New Movie Script

[Oddwen]

Well, here I am again...posting, posting, posting...

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Scene: The Three Hunters, the White Wizard, the Host of Rohan, and two not-orcs approach Isengard.


Treebeard: Hoommmmmmmmmmmmooooooohhhhhooooooooommmmooohhhhooo om, Young Master Gandalf. I'm...glad, yes, glad you've come. Hotels and restaurants, stock and portfolios I can master, but there is a wizard to manage here. We think. There's this huge crater where Isengard used to be. No trace of the tower or wizard.

Gandy: Oh. Um. Script?

PJ: *whisperwhisperwhisper*

Howard Shore: Aright, time for some brooding theme music!

Gandy: *whispermutter, what the Angband am I supposed to...* Oh, ahem! But you said "used", and "no trace" of Saruman. What about "is?" Is he dead?

TB: We...don't know.

Gandy: Well, did you go into Isengard?

TB: *stare* You're kidding, right? I just explained...it...

Gandy: Well, the snake still had one tooth left, I think, for he has obviously poisoned your mind. But I shall speak to him.

TB: Is he kidding?

Aragorn: Probably not.

Gandy: Saruman, Saruman! Come down Saruman!

TB: Well anyway, this mess is slowly washing away. Soon the Isen will run clean again, and Drunkbeard and Dogbark can fix the dam. *glare*

Gandy: Saruman, Saruman. Saruman, you missed your path in life.

Aragorn: I think he has delusions of grandeur.

*Pippin, through a drunken haze, sees a glowing glow in the waters. After staring cross-eyed at it for a while, he fell off the horse*

Pip: Ahhhh*splash!*

*He appears back on the horse with a confused look on his face. He then climbs down very carefully down*

Gandy: Come back, Saruman!

Pip: *blubber*

TB: And trees, young trees who HAVEN'T flunked AA will come to summer vacation here, and the land will spring up green, and the little plants will shoot up towards the sky, and the sun will nourish the tender shoots sending their little roots deep into the rich earth...

Gandy: I did not give you leave to go...

Pip: Hey, cool, a glowing bowling ball! Anyone up for some ninepins?

Gandy: I am not Gandalf the Grey whom you betrayed...

Merry: Shure, can we find some sticks we can use for pins?

Gandy: I am Gandalf the White, returned from death!

Gimli: Ooh! Ooh! I want Legolas for my team!

Legs: Shut up, shorty.

Gandy: You have no colour now, and I cast you from the order and from the Council.

A: Hey, Pippin, that isn't a bowling ball!

Gandy: Saruman, your staff is broken! Pow, kapow, ziingie!

All: What?

Gandy: No, that was not thrown by Saruman; nor even at his bidding, I think. It came from a window far above. A parting shot from Master Wormtongue, I fancy, but ill aimed.

Éomer: Is it just me, or does he keep talking, like we're listening or something?

Gandy: Pippin, here, I did not ask you to handle that! Give it here!

Pip: Noo!

*After a few minutes of wrestling, Gandy managed to wrest the ball from Pippin's tight grasp. Barely*

Pip: Wahh! He BIT me!

Leggy: Ha, you owe me twenty dollars! Pay up!

Gimli: *grump*

Merry: Hey, now we can't play ninepins!

The Host: Aww, man! Stupid Gandalf!

Gandy: It is the end. Let us go.

*Not without a mutter, not without a death threat or two, the host made their way back to Edoras*

Pip: I'm gonna get you, Gandalf, if it's the last thing I do. Hey, Aragorn, let me back up! Don't leave me behind! Waiiiit uuuup youuuu guyyyyys!

TB: Well, bless my furry little hobbit feet!

Ent: Wrong metaphor there, sir.

TB: Shut up, Dutchelm!

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Annnd the next scene is Hail the Fallen Dead/The Palantir scene. And unless someone gets crackin', it'll be time for the EE Drinking Contest Scene!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I'm rather sorry if I haven't been posting that much. But I'll come back with a post sometime this week.

And you think we would want to read it?

Hush, Adam.

[Oddwen]

Not to interrupt Nilp's post or anything...I just had an idea for something at the tower of Cirith Ungol and want to post a reminder for myself.

"SAMSAMSAMSAM"

I just hope it hasn't been claimed already...what with all the activity going on around here and all...lawks, lahdy-day.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

. . . but still no posts. Oh, well.

Tomorrow. Really.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

At Meduseld. Théoden rushes in and goes straight to his room. He plunges into his bed.

Théoden: Ah, I thought I’d never see you again. *rolls up in his blankie, bambi eyes at Gandalf* Can I stay here ‘til the war is over?

Gandalf: No. We have to rescue your *coughcuckoo* friend.

Théoden: Ms. Cuddles?

Gandalf: No. Denethor.

Théoden: But I don’t wanna! Can’t you tell him “doctor’s orders” or something?

Gandalf: No. We have to save his city from being overrun by a gazillion Orcs. If that happens I lose my retirement fund . . . I mean Middle-earth shall surely fall.

Théoden: But I almost died!

Gandalf: “Almost” doesn’t cut it! You still have to . . . oops. Hehe.

Théoden: *stands up and stares at him weirdly* What?

Gandalf (): Nothing . . .

Gamling: My lord, it’s time for the celebration.

Théoden: Awww . . . do I have to?

Gamling: Yes, sire. You have to keep your people drunk so they could forget your lack of a standard welfare program.

Théoden: *sigh* Very well. But I want the theme to be Star Wars.

Gamling: What, my lord?

Théoden: Just tell ‘em.

Later, at Meduseld’s Press Room (and Party Hall), the celebration has just begun.

Bouncer: What are wearing?

Guy in styro-Númenor island costume: I’m Hyarrostar. The king said Star-something is the theme.

Bouncer: It’s Star Wars. You’re not allowed.

Guy: But . . . but . . . It hasn’t existed in this Age yet! You have to let me in!

Bouncer: *draws light sabre* Don’t make me force you out . . .

Guy: Hey. Where’d you get that?

Bouncer: Somewhere . . . *uneasy for a while* Now GIT!

Inside . . .

Théoden (in Emperor costume): . . . and so we give tribute to those were in front, to those who caught all the incoming arrows, and to those who were slow and clumsy. All hail the victorious Dead!

Men of Rohan: *silence*

Théoden: C’mon! ‘coz of ‘em we’re still alive!

Men: YEAH!!!

Théoden: So eat, drink and be Pippin! Forget the fact that tomorrow we may be needed to ride our horses at breakneck speeds!

Men: PAAAR-TAY!!!!!

Éowyn (approaches Aragorn in Amidala costume): Drink to me not only with thine eyes. *offers cup*

Aragorn (in Darth Vader costume): Huh?

Éowyn: I meant have a drink, Aragorn.

Aragorn: Yeah, sure. *takes cup, inhales aroma* Hey, this decade-old Dorwinion red wine is laced with Imloth Melui rose extract. Are you trying to do something to me?

Éowyn: Me? Aman, no! *mutter* With you, maybe . . .

Aragorn: What?

Éowyn: Nothing. *pouts*

Aragorn leaves.

Gimli (sidles up to Éowyn in Ewok costume): I don’t see why you keep trying to get Aragorn, when you could have me.

Éowyn: Here I mean no offence, Master Dwarf, but you’re . . . small . . .

Gimli: Hey, I can live with your height.

Éowyn: . . . and female.

Gimli: True. Go on.

Éowyn: I’m straight.

Gimli: Nobody’s perfect, dear.

Éowyn: *groan* I’m so outta here . . .

On top of some table, a little Ossefest has begun . . .

Merry:

Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!
Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!

Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!
Pshycho! Pippin! Pipe!
Pip ish high, Pip ish high, Pip ish really on the go!

Pippin: You’re shtill shlurring, dude.

Merry: Shteer.

Pippin: Shkola.

Merry: Schule.

Pippin: Ich habe dash nicht vershtanden. Ich shpreche nicht Deutsch.

Merry: What-ever, dude.

On the buffet table . . .

Freda’s mom (from afar in C-3PO costume): The last pepperoni pizza slice!

Théoden: Hey, look! Pepperoni! *takes slice* Gamling, do we still have more pizza?

Gamling (in Obi-Wan costume): No, sire. The Pizza Hall’s closed ‘til the next age. I think they’re perfecting the manflesh pizza in case Sauron wins.

Théoden: Yeah, whatever. *eats last slice*

Mom (approaches Théoden): I swear that for the rest of this age you shall know neither peace nor rest, pizza-stealer.

Théoden: Woman, I’m the king of almost half the world of Free Men. No-one can harm me.

Freda’s mom storms off, vowing bloody vengeance.

Meanwhile . . .

Aragorn: No news of Frodo.

Gandalf: No word. Nothing.

Aragorn: We have time. Every day Frodo moves closer to Mordor.

Gandalf: Do we know that?

Aragorn: What does your heart tell you?

Gandalf pauses.

Gandalf: That Frodo is alive. *pause* Yes. Yes, he's alive.

Aragorn: Is that you or the ale that’s talking. ‘coz there’s no way in Menel, Cemen, or the three cities of Valinor that he’s still alive.

Gandalf: True. He’s dead in some ditch near Mordor.

Aragorn (laughs): And you made him Ringbearer.

Gandalf: Yeah. The Ring’s near Mordor. *gulp* We are so dead.

Aragorn: Told you your plan sucked from the start. We should just have allied with the Galactic Empire.

Gandalf: Is that you or Darth Vader talking?
__________________

Can I have the scene immediately after the WK/Éowyn/Merry scene? I want to be the one to kill Théoden.

[Oddwen]

Just a quickie. This fits in...somewhere.

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*Meanwhile Aragorn, to flee the highly suspicious dregs of Queen Armaeowyn, hides outside on the porch, where he finds Legolas dressed as Jar-Jar Binks*

JJ: They laughed at me. Some of them tried to kill me.

DV: What do you expect? You're a stupid and pointless character.

JJ: Are you speaking of me, or...me?

DV: Nevermind.

JJ: *shudder! twitch!*

DV: What was that all about?

JJ: A shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind. I can feel it.

DV: Whoa, deja vú. Maybe it's behind that small moon?

JJ: That's no moon. That's an eye.

DV: Don't be silly. That's too big and flaming to be an eye.

JJ: Oh, so it's easily a big flaming moon, huh?

DV: Hey, you never know...

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Leggy as Jar-Jar . . . precious!

Vy ze vay, I think I forgot this:

~*~

Théoden: I saw that.

Éowyn (confused): What?

Théoden: You're trying to make moves on my Aragorn.

Éowyn: Your Aragorn? Ai, Eru nín! Uncle, what has the spell of Saruman done to you?

Théoden: It was not Théoden of Rohan who led our people to victory.

Éowyn looks at him weirdly.

Éowyn: I'm going to have to send you for a lobotomy as soon as this whole business is over.

Théoden: No, Luke. I am your father's cousin's grandmother's niece's neighbour's poker buddy's son's sister.

Éowyn: *leaves*