New Movie Script

[Boromir88]

The crapiest job on Middle-earth.
(On top of a random mountain)
Beacon man #1: So what do you want to do?
Beacon man #2: I don't know what do you want to do?
Beacon man #1: Do you want to light the pile of wood?
Beacon man #2: We can't do that without the signal.
Beacon man #1: Do you want to sleep again?
Beacon man #2: That's all we ever do.
Beacon man #1: How did we get stuck with this job anyway?
Beacon man #2: I can't remember it was 16 years ago...or maybe 17.

Rohan.
(Aragorn busts through the door).
Aragorn: The beacons of Minas Tirith! The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!
Theoden: Tell me, why should we go to the aid of those who did not come to ours? What do we owe Gondor?
Aragorn: Please?
Theoden: No.
Aragorn: Pretty please?
Theoden: No.
Aragorn: Pretty please, with a cherry on top?
Theoden: (perky) Muster the Rohirrim!

[Meneltarmacil]

(Meduseld)

GANDALF: I ride for Minas Tirith. And I won't be going alone.

*Gandalf walks to the stables. Merry and Pippin trail behind him.*

GANDALF: Of all the inquisitive hobbits, Peregrin Took. You are the worst! All those times I thought it was Legolas who was stealing my shampoo...

PIPPIN: Where are we going?

GANDALF: To a giant battle where you'll probably die a horrible death.

MERRY: Why did you look? Why do you always have to look?

PIPPIN: I don't know. I can't help it.

MERRY: Maybe you should see a shrink.

PIPPIN: I'm sorry, all right? I won't do it again. *fingers crossed*

MERRY: Don't you understand? The enemy thinks he's your father. You must face Darth Vader agai... oops, wrong movie.

PIPPIN: You're coming with me, right? I mean, being alone with Gandalf all the time is kind of scary.

MERRY: Are you serious? You'll eat all of my mushrooms!

PIPPIN: Merry?

MERRY: Come on!

*Gandalf puts Pippin up on Shadowfax, who tosses him off. Pippin reappears on Shadowfax with a confused expression on his face. The horse sighs.*

PIPPIN: How far is Minas Tirith?

GANDALF: Three day's ride, as the Nazgul flies. And we'd better hope we don't have one of those on our tail. Or our head, for that matter. In fact, there are worse things than that where we're going. Actually, *blahblahblahblah*

PIPPIN: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

*Gandalf mounts Shadowfax.*

MERRY: Here, something for the road.

*hands Pippin the pipeweed*

PIPPIN: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....

MERRY: I know you've run out. You smoke too much, Pip.

PIPPIN: ZZZZZZZ*SNORK* What?

MERRY: Never mind. Just get out of here already.

GANDALF: Run Shadowfax. Show us the meaning of haste. Run like the wind, my noble steed! Fly! Fly! Fly!

SHADOWFAX: Shut up.

GANDALF: *grump* Okay, just run already.

PIPPIN: *examines pipeweed pack, noticing that all it contains are pencil shavings* MERRY! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ALL OF MY PIPEWEED?!!!!!!!!

MERRY: *laughs*

*They ride out of the stables. Merry runs up the steps to the watchtower on the fence, hitting some random guard in the stomach*

RANDOM GUARD: OUCH! Hey, watch were you're going! Sheesh, kids these days...

ARAGORN: Merry! *runs into random guard at full speed, knocking him down and trampling him underfoot*

RANDOM GUARD: Aaaaaaaaaargh!!! *falls down steps* *klunk klunk klunk klunk THUD*

*They see Shadowfax running across the plains. The horse trips over a rock and falls over. Gandalf and Pippin are knocked on their faces. Gandalf kicks Shadowfax and yells some very bad words. The horse gets up and takes off at full speed. Gandalf chases him screaming bloody murder.*

ARAGORN: This'll be a long trip.

RANDOM GUARD: Is there a doctor in the house?

[Boromir88]

Good one Menel, I felt bad for that Rohan Guard too .

Behind the Scenes

Witch-King: So, Peter do I get to awak the Barrow-wright, that captures the hobbits?
PJ: Were not putting that in the movie.
Witch-King: Do I get to break the Gates of Minas Tirith?
PJ: No, were having Grond do that.
Witch-King: Atleast let me command the armies of Mordor.
PJ: Nope, we are having Gothmog do that. To build up his character when Aragorn decapitates him.
Witch-King: Well what do I do?
PJ: You get this cool fell beast thingy and you get to die.

[Oddwen]

Menel, I don't feel sorry for that Rohirrim guard at all. He got exactly what he deserved, the sneak.

Hey, y'know? This scene was never really done. Thus, therefore, ergo...

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Scene: Edoras, more namely the golden hall of Meduseld. Do not look for welcome here, as*coughburarum*

Eowyn: Wahh! Theodred, you were too young, too young! WAHH!

Grima: Oh, he must have been kill...DIED sometime in the, um, night. Speaking of marriage...

Eowyn*sniff*: We weren't speaking of it. *sob*

Grima: Oh, right...um. Too bad about your cousin being poisoned, I mean HEWN by Orcs. It must be hard, especially since your brother was banished...errrrr, has deserted you.

Eowyn: Leave me alone you handsome...I mean, you snake!

Grima: But you are alone. Who knows what you've spoken to the dark watches of the night, when the walls of your bower seem to close in about you; a hutch to trammel some wild thing in. How 'bout it, baby? Will you be my wild thing?

Eowyn: Your word are tempting...I mean POISON! *she flees*

Grima: Was it something I said?

*Eowyn flees the hall and gazes upon the last flying Rohirrim banner. At that moment, the wind chooses to rip it from its pole and send it fluttering beyond the wall. To Eowyn's consternation, it does the same to her outer dress. She flees screaming back into the hall*

*At that moment, strange visitors ride to Edoras. The man in the rear pauses to watch a banner flutter out of the sky and lay on the ground twitching like a dying frog. So distracted, he gets a dress in the face*

Aragorn: Hmm-mm!

*The visitors enter the city and ride towards Meduseld. The old man seems confident, the elf and dwarf are wondering about the state of affairs, and the man in the rear keeps peering around as if looking for someone*

Gimli: You'll find more cheer in a graveyard.

Leggy: And dead people.

Gandy: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Leggy: And tombstones.

Gandy: Thank you, but I'm sure that we all...

Leggy: And ghosts. And coffins. And mausoleums. And Barrow-downers cracking jokes. But not pizza!

Gandy: Yes yes, we all knew...what?

Aragorn: Let me know if you guys see a lady running around in her underwear, will ya?

Gandy*muttering*: I'm travelling in the company of loonies...

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

I guess that fits waaaay back on page three, somewhere in Theoric Windcaller's post.

[Oddwen]

...so Meela can write it...lalala...


^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^

Scene: Outside of the citadel, Gandalf storms out with Pippin in tow.

Gandalf: All has turned to vain ambition. He would even use his grief as a cloak. *grumblegrumble* A thousand years this city has stood. Now, at the whim of a madman, it will fall. And the White Tree, the tree of me...I mean the king, will never bloom again. It's a very temperamental tree, and will only bloom if fed the finest plant food. Needless to say, Denethor is a cheapskate who wouldn't buy plant food for his own mother. I remember, I needed to borrow three silver pennies for tolls...

Pippin: Why are those *teehee* men with the *teehee* silly helmets guarding it then? *teehee*

Gandalf: They guard it because they still have hope. Plus there's a depression, and jobs are hard to come by.
Yes, a faint and fading hope is still there that one day, the Tree will flower. That a king will come and this city will be as it once was, and they will get a raise and new uniforms.
The old wisdom borne...

Pippin: Jason Bourne? He's cool.

Gandalf: ... ... ... no. The old wisdom borne out of the West was forsaken. King made tombs more splendid than the houses of the living, and counted the old names of their descent dearer than the names of their puppy dogs.
Childess lords sat in aged halls, musing on heraldry or in high, cold towers, asking questions of Encaitare.

Pippin: Who?

Gandalf: And so the people of Gondor fell into ruin. The line of kings failed. The White Tree was malnourished. The rule of Gondor was given over to *cough* lesser, weaker, stupider, not-me men.

Pippin: Oh look. Over. There. Mordor.

Gandalf: Yes, there it lies. Why they built Gondor so close I'll never know...

Pippin: Perhaps it's because Minas Tirith was built along with Minas Ithil to be a watchtower in case of the return of Sauron.

Gandalf: What? Who told you that?

Pippin: I believe YOU did.

Gandalf: Duhhhhh....oh yes. Glad to see you were paying attention, and not sleeping like I thought you were...*harrrrumph*

Pippin: Oh yes, I thought your discourse on femenine undergarments was very informative. HAHAHAHAHAEHHEHEEEEHEEEEHAHAAAAHAAAAAAA!! A CORSET! You are tooooo much, Gandy old man! HAHAHAAAAAA!

Gandalf: Drat.

Pippin*still wiping away tears*: Hoohoohaahaaa...hey look, a storm is coming...heehee...

Gandalf: This is not the weather of the world. It's a device of Sauron's making...oh forget it! I HATE HOBBITS! *he storms off*

Pippin: A corset..heehee...

^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^

Next scene would be the Crossroads. Here is the RotK EE script.

[Meela]

Gandalf and Pippin enter the hall.

Guard #1: Feet!

Gandalf and Pippin wipe their feet and walk forward.

Guard #2: Wait, body search.

Gandalf: Is it necessary? We’re here to stop the impending destruction of all mankind, not gossip over tea and cake.

Guard #2: We had some nutter in here the other day raving about death, doom, and a lack of toilet paper. We’re taking no chances.

Gandalf: I think you’ll find that was your Steward.

Guard: Oh…well, you’re clear. Approach him with caution and make no sudden movements.

Gandalf and Pippin tiptoe towards the far end of the room. Gandalf coughs loudly, adding some after-effects spluttering, and bangs his staff on the floor.

Gandalf: Hail Denethor, son of Ecthelion, Lord and Steward of Gondor, High Warden of the Crooked Mountain, and recent Official Juror of the Crackpot Committee. I come with tidings in this dark hour, and with complimentary cookies from Rohan, which are supposed to put some sense into your head. I’ll leave you a few thousand.

Denethor: Perhaps you come to explain this. Perhaps you come to tell me why my son is dead.

Denethor holds up a cloven purple teddy bear. Gandalf swiftly turns his snort of laughter into a bad cough. Denethor Glares Suspiciously™.

Denethor: Oh, uh… *snatches back the bear and holds up the cloven horn*

Gandalf scratches his head and looks away.

Gandalf: Uh, nope… no idea. We’re completely in the dark, aren’t we Pippin? *nudges Pippin*

Pippin: But you said he was dead. You said he was as loony as his dad and deserved everything he got- *whack* ow!

Pippin kneels before Denethor.

Pippin: You’ve got to help me, see how he treats me! Pleeeeaaase let me work for you. I’ll wash cutlery, I’ll cook, I’d gladly be a food taster… I’ll be in charge of your toilet paper supplies…

Denethor perks up.

Pippin: Pleeeaase, I’ll do anything!

Denethor: I wouldn’t mind having an amusing, pocket-sized court jester. Jason, you’re out of a job.

Jason the Court Jester gloomily packs away his hand puppets and leaves.

Gandalf: Get up, Pippin! *mutters* I’ll deal with you later… My Lord, there will be a time to grieve for Boromir-

Denethor: Who? *gleefully pokes Pippin with his staff* Look at him dance!

Gandalf: The enemy is on your doorstep! As steward, you are charged with the defense of this city! Where are Gondor's armies?

Denethor: Gone off to Osgiliath, I s’pose. They all love Faramir so much… and something about a chess tournament…

Gandalf: You still have… some friends. One or two.

Pippin: And me!

Gandalf: I was counting you in there. C’mon Denny… pal…you’re not alone in this fight. Send word to Théoden of Rohan. Light those candle thingies. Someone’s bound to see them.

Denethor: *snarl* You think you are wise, Mithrandir, yet you don’t even know that white went out of fashion six months ago. Do you think the eyes of the White Tower are blind? I know who rides with Théoden of Rohan. Word has reached my ears of this Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and I tell you now I will not bow to this Ranger from the North, one who refuses to bathe.

Gandalf: Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king, Steward, no matter how smelly he may be.

Denethor: *standing* No, it may not be so. But I can push my chair down that hall and bar the door with it!

Denethor sits. Gandalf pulls a rude face at his bowed head, then turns and walks away.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Denethor: *standing* No, it may not be so. But I can push my chair down that hall and bar the door with it!

Worth all the wait.

I'll do the next scene. The one in Minas Morgul, ja?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Frodo, Sam and Gollum pull themselves up over the edge of the causeway and see Minas Morgul. It glows green in the darkness.

Gollum: The dead city. Very nasty place. Full of . . .

Sam: Dead?

Gollum: No! Don’t be a Legolasss! It’s full of politicians.

Sam: Must be that old Senate chamber Gandalf told us about. Don’t you agree, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: The motion is quashed! Senate Bill 3019 . . .

Gollum: Don’t be silly, master, imitating politicians. Let’s go!

Gollum approaches the City, followed by Frodo and Sam.

Gollum: Quick, quick, they will see! They will see!

Sam: This close . . . ya think?

Gollum leads them to the cliff-face on the North side of the Morgul vale.

Gollum: Come away! Come away! Look! We have found it. The way into Mordor. The secret stair. Climb.

Sam: It’s not that secret.

They look up to see an impossibly steep stair carved into the cliff face.

Sam: It’s just that nobody would be stupid enough to go that way.

Frodo turns back to the city. He stumbles toward it, past a pair of Silent Watchers and down the causeway toward the city.

Sam: No! Mister Frodo! If this way’s stupid, then that way’s for Pippin!

Pippin (from far away): HEY!!!

Gollum: Not that way!

Sam and Gollum scramble to catch Frodo.

Gollum: What's it doing?

Sam: No! He’s trying to pass new tax cuts!

Sam and Gollum begin to pull him back toward the stair.

Frodo: They're calling me.

Gollum: No! No more tax cuts! Sauron thrives on budget deficits!

Just as they reach the stairs, a great flare goes up from Minas Morgul.

Flash to Gandalf and Pippin and then to a group of Gondorian soldiers surprised by the flare.

Gondor Gary: If that ain’t a presage of impending doom, I don’t know what that is.

Pippin: I dunno . . . someone farted?

Gollum: Hide! Hide!

Gollum and the hobbits hide on the stair.

The Witch King on his fell beast flies up and perches above the city gate. The Witch King gives a long, piercing shriek. Frodo groans.

Frodo: I can feel his blade cutting off my pork barrel!

The fell beast bellows and the gates open. The Orc army marches out, followed by hordes of Faramir fangirls.

Gandalf: We come to it at last. The great drool-fest of our time.

In Minas Morgul the army marches over the causeway and past the hobbits. The stair hides the hobbits from their view. But as the fangirls walk past the hobbits’ position, they suddenly stop.

Faramir_is_a_hottie: *sniff sniff*

Faramir4evr: What is it? What do you smell?

Faramir_is_a_hottie: Puppy dog eyes.

Faramir4evr: But nobody’s hotter than Faramir!

All the fangirls: *SCREEECH!!!*

As they march on, the Witch King shrieks and flies over the causeway toward the mouth of the vale.

Gollum: Come away hobbits. We climb, we must climb!

Gandalf: The board is set. The pieces are moving.

Pippin: I wanna be the bishop.

Gandalf: I better make sure Denethor doesn’t send his son to fight. He’ll be mauled.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Night comes and passes before the signal beacon reaches Rohan, where Aragorn sees it and runs into Meduseld.

Aragorn: The Beacons of Minas Tirith! The Beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!

Théoden remains silent. Éowyn stands beside her brother. Everyone waits for the King's answer.

Théoden: Uh, what?

All: *groan*

Aragorn: The Beacons? Y’know, the things built in case Gondor needs your help?

Théoden: What do they want now? Last time they lit the darned things, they were just asking for a cup of sugar!

Aragorn: I think they need more than a cup of sugar now.

Théoden: What?! Two cups?

Aragorn:

Théoden: What did I tell you about rolling eyes in my . . .

Éomer: The Sound FX man is making hoof beats. Someone’s coming!

All hold their breath as the door opens and reveals . . .

All: BOROMIR?!

Boromir: No, I’m not Boromir. But I’m wearing his clothes.

All exchange dubious looks.

Boromir: *clears throat* I’m Hirgon, and I bear this to present to the King of Rohan. *reveals something from under his cloak*

Théoden: The Horn of Gondor? No, thanks, Boromir.

Boromir: *tosses horn aside* Hehe. I meant this. *reveals some other thing from under his cloak*

All: *GASP!*

Théoden: The Red Arrow! In all my years as king I have never needed to spin it.

Aragorn (to himself): "Spin" it???

Boromir: But you know the rules, right?

Théoden: Yes. We go where it points.

Boromir: Very good, sire. *sets the Red Arrow on a table*

Aragorn: I thought the Red Arrow was supposed to be a token of Gondor’s need?

Éomer: Oh, get off it, Aragorn. Nobody gets help for free now.

Éowyn: Yes. We need the chance to escape from our responsibilities.

Théoden spins the arrow. It points towards Minas Tirith.

Some Old Historian: In all the years of the Mark, no one who has spun the arrow has ever needed to do his duty. Now tradition is broken. ROHAN IS DOOMED!!! *runs off into the wild blue yonder, tearing off his clothes*

Théoden: *shrugs* OK, so I’m a lousy spinner. I guess we have to come to Gondor’s aid.

The muster bell is struck. Men climb on horses. Théoden and company stride out of Meduseld. Théoden is talking to Éomer.

Théoden: Assemble the army at Dunharrow; as many men as can be found. You have two days . . .

Éomer (puzzled): Two days? Sir, I’ll have it done in two hours.

Théoden: Very well, then. On the third, we ride for Gondor. And war. *turns to Gamling* Gamling!

Gamling: My Lord.

Théoden: Make haste across the Riddermark. Summon every able-bodied man to Dunharrow.

Gamling: All twenty of them?

Théoden: What do you mean, "All twenty"?

Gamling: Sir, most of the able-bodied men are in Far Harad, working for those rich oil magnates. That’s why we had a great petrogold income this year.

Théoden: *sigh* Just get them to Dunharrow.

Gamling: As you wish, sire.

Aragorn is securing his gear on Brego. Éowyn joins him, leading a horse with her.

Aragorn: You ride with us?

Éowyn: Just to the encampment. It's tradition for the women of the court to farewell the men.

Aragorn (staring weirdly at Éowyn): Izzat so . . . ?

Aragorn walks over to her horse and lifts up the folded blanket, revealing a sword. Éowyn pulls it down.

Éowyn: So I’ll go off into Minas Tirith. Big deal.

Aragorn: Let me tell you a story: Once, some gal rode off to war. Her uncle found out and gave her such a spanking she can never sit down again for the rest of her life.

Éowyn: Is it true? Who did it happen to?

Aragorn: Nah, I just made it up. *rides off laughing*

Éowyn: So much for hope. But . . . he is still charming . . . *rides off after Aragorn*

The women and children of Rohan are saying good-bye to the men.

Woman: Don’t forget! I want an extra large pizza with all the toppings!

Rider: I won’t forget, mom!

Éomer talks to the riders.

Éomer: I guess this is the time I say something encouraging to you guys.

Silence

Éomer: Oh, let’s just go.

The Riders of Rohan, led by their King, leave Edoras. Merry, on a pony, rides with them.
__________________

I think someone better than I should do the lighting of the more-than-seven Beacons.

Vy ze vay, I call dibs on Dunharrow. I have a special script for Rohan's "Army."

[Oddwen]

Originally Posted by Nilpie

I think someone better than I should do the lighting of the more-than-seven Beacons.

Well if you insist!


^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Scene: Flying over the mountains, to Rohan we go

As the first beacon is lit, it is suspiciously soon followed by the next...and the next...and the next, all down the line. Alas, it was the last anyone ever heard of the brave Beacon Guarders, for they all were found months later in various poses of gruesome death.
Some were chok'd by treefrogs, and one brave Guardian's head was found, its face eerily white as the windblown snow it rested on. One body was still dangling from a makeshift gallows with the noose still about his neck, and yet another bore the nametag "Hi, I'm ____, Lynch Me!", which apparently had happened. In a hut, remains were found of human flesh boiling in saucepans...while in the snow around a man kneeling with his head in a frozen bucket of water there were evidences of some breed of large dog, which were not prone to wander to those high places. Investigators in later years discounted the deaths and they were officially said to have been caused by "Severe Windburn".


^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

Um, yeah...couldn't find a reliable script, had to do that from my poor memory.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Well if you insist! (Oddie)

I guess someone did! Hi, Oddwen! Welcome to the Downs! Enjoy your stay here!

[lothlorien]

Well guys I've never done this before but I'll have a go anyway

*Frodo Sam and Gollum climb up and up and still up quite a bit more until finally Frodo who has been busy counting of all the stairs they've climbed slipped on step number 10099 and almost fell*

Gollum: "Stupid hobbit almost falls to it's death why is Smeagol stuck with the idiot and his fat friend" in the distance

Sam "I'm not fat" starts crying

Gollum reaches out to grab Frodo and sees the ring hanging out of his shirt

Gollum: "Pretty shiney"

Sam: "Mr Frodo back you or I'll have a new ingrediant for my stew" and brandishing a large sauce pan he swings at Gollum who rolls his eyes and pulls Frodo up cursing all the while


Gollum: "Smeagol saves Master and fat hobbit attacks him"

Sam reluctantly puts away his sauce pan

Frodo: "We should have taken the elevator"

Sam: "There is no elevator Mr Frodo"

Frodo: "If there's no elevator than what's that" sure enough there is an elevator wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy down below

Sam: "Well that's a good lot of use to us down there now isn't it

Gollum: "Elevator is for politians only you need ID card and campaign benefits to use it" the hobbits start climbing again grumbling about unfairness and damn politians

Gollum: "Master carries heavy burden the fat one wants it for his own he wants to bargain with people on ebay for it tricksy that one soon he'll ask you how much it's worth you'll see" Frodo clutches the ring and glares at Sam who immediately says

"I'm not fatttttt"


well that's me done anybody feel free to take it from here the next scene should be the Witch King at Osgiliath then back to Minas Tirith seeya

[Oddwen]

Scene: Dunharrow, & the mustering of the troops.

^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^

(Theoden and his entourage ride up the winding way to Dunharrow, trampling down any in their way)

Random Rohirrim: *blowing a kazoo* Make way for the King! The King! The King is - *RR is trampled*

Random Rohirrim 2: Hail, sire, hail!

Theoden: Yes I am, hale and hearty. Grimbold, how many men were you able to recruit?

Grimbold: There are five hundred men from the Westfold, sir.

Random Rohirrim 3: And I bring three hundred from Fenmarch!

Theoden: That makes...um...seven hundred and fifty riders. Where are the riders from Snowbourne? Where is the kazoo that was blowing?

RR3: They have passed like a wind on the mountain, sire. However, from each village I came to, for each man there were three fierce women armed to the teeth and ready to fight.

Theoden: You turned them away, of course?

RR3: Yes, of course sire! Imagine, a woman in battle! *they both laugh*

(Theoden and Aragorn continue upwards to the tents of the Truly Important People. They stand and survey the troops gathered below, near the For Important But Only In A Small and Insignificant Way People Camp)

Theoden: Six spears. Only a third of what I'd hoped for.

Aragorn: Er...that won't be enough.

Theoden: More will come.

Aragorn: Every hour that passes hastens Sauron's advancement. We have to ride at dawn.

(Suddenly, a horse snorts in terror and rears up. A Random Rohirrim [no. 843] is thrown upwards and over the mountain with a fading shriek)

Legolas: The horses are restless and the men are quiet. The sun is going down behind the mountains. We are very high up. The air has oxygen in it. I am annoying people. Gimli has a beard. Aragorn smells.

Eomer: They are restless in the shadow of the mountain.

Gimli: That road there, that creepy one, where does that lead, and why are we so near to it?

Legolas: It is the road to Dimholt, the door under the mountain. That means that there's a door under the mountain, and that road leads to it.

Eomer: None who venture there ever return. The mountain, road, and door are EEEEEVIL.

Howard's Score: *DUN DUN DUN!!!*

Gimli: How many people have ventured the road?

Legolas: And the door under the mountain that is at the end of the road leading to the door in the mountain that is at the end of the road?

Eomer: One.

Gimli: Oh. You're right, it's obviously a danger to whomever attempts the road...and the door at the end.

(Aragorn peers at the road. He stares so hard that his eyes begin to water. Something green and venomously vaporous appears from behind a rock and shakes its fist at the smelly Ranger. It opens its mouth and would say something except - )

Gimli*punching Aragorn in the kidney*: Hey!

*Aragorn says 'Oophfff!' and doubles over onto the ground*

Gimli: Two for flinching! *kicks Aragorn in the head twice* Let's go find some food.

(Aragorn lifts his head, and with watering eyes he surveyed the Evil Road Leading To the Door Under the Mountain At the End Of the Road Leading To the Door Under the Mountain, but the green apparition is nowhere to be seen. Painfully, he crawls after Gimli and Legolas)

^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^

Annd, the next scene is Eowyn readying Merry for battle.

[The Elf-warrior]

(Aragorn dreams that Arwen is lying unconscious.)

Arwen: (v.o) "I choose a mortal life, especially since Elrond is so cranky. Too bad I'll never see Aragorn again." (Cries.)

(Aragorn sees the Evenstar pendant fall and shatter in six hundred thirty five pieces. He awakes with a start, brandishing a pike.)

Aragorn: "Qui va la?"

Guard: "Eh!"

Aragon: "Pardon me! It's French for 'Who goes there?'"

Guard: "Your French is dreadful my lord. It should be ‘Pardon’ and it means ‘excuse me.’ Lord Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of Arador, Theoden King of Rohan, son of Thengel, son of Fengel doth desire your presence in his tent."

Aragorn: "I shall perambulate over posthaste."

Guard: "Wot!"

Aragorn: "I'll walk over to his tent!"

Theoden: (Pointing to a hooded and cloaked figure.) "Do you have any idea who this cranky old man is?"

Aragorn: "Elrond."

Theoden: "Do you know him?"

Aragorn: "Know him? Nah! He's only the father of my betrothed and my foster father."

Theoden: "I beg your pardon, sir."

Aragorn: "My foster father!"

Theoden: "Sir, I understood every word you said. I was just begging your pardon for asking a question that apparently annoyed you."

Aragorn: "Who, me, annoyed? Inconceivable!"

Theoden: "I shall take my leave, sir"

Aragorn: "It's none of my business what you do with your leave, Theoden."

(Theoden walks out shaking his head.)

Aragorn: "Greetings and salutations, lord Elrond of Rivendell."

Elrond: "Quit standing on ceremony!"

Aragorn: "Where is it? I don’t see it anywhere."

Elrond: “Where is what!”

Aragorn: “Ceremony.”

Elrond: “Quit acting so stuck up! It would be a compliment to call you a moron, you smart-mouth brat!”

Aragorn: “Yo, what’s up, Elrond?”

Elrond: "Arrgh! Arwen is sick in bed, Elfstone!"

Aragorn: "Unconscious?"

Elrond: "How did you guess that?"

Aragorn: "From her posture."

Elrond: "What are you talking about?"

Aragorn: "I saw her in my dream before the guard summoned me here."

Elrond: "Arwen is dying."

Aragorn: (Under his breath.) "Figures with the way he treats her."

Elrond: "What did you just say?”

Aragorn: "Figureswiththewayhetreatsher!"

Elrond: "Are you implying that I am less than a good father to my daughter?"

Aragorn: "No. I am explicitly stating so."

Elrond: "Don’t be contrary with me! She will not long survive the spreading evil of Mordor because Sauron has tied her fate to that of the Ring."

Aragorn: "One those not walk into Rivendell and tie my betrothed’s fate to an inanimate, or semi-inanimate object actually. Rivendell is guarded by Vil..."

Elrond: (Covering Aragorn’s mouth.) “You mustn’t speak of such things. The Shadow is upon us! Doom is come!”

Aragorn: “It’s his doom that’s coming.”

Elrond: “I wish I could share your optimism but I’ve been around a lot longer than you. You know Sauron is marching on Minas Tirith…”

Aragorn: “I had no idea.”

Elrond: “Shut up! This is serious! Sauron AKA Annatar AKA Artano AKA Aulendil AKA Gorthaur, who calls himself Lord of the Earth, is also attacking Minas Tirith via the Anduin River from the south with a fleet of black-sailed Corsair ships. They shall arrive at Minas Tirith in two days.”

Aragorn: “If Sauron himself is marching to Minas Tirith that means he has the Ring and we’re doomed.”

Elrond: “I was talking about his armies coming from Mordor! You need more men.”

Aragorn: “There are none.”

Elrond: “What! What about the men of Lossarnach?”

Aragorn: “They got lost.”

Elrond: “What about the men of Ringló Vale?”

Aragorn: “They went to a Beatles concert.”

Elrond: “What about the men of the Paths of the Dead?”

Aragorn: (Gasps.) “They are loyal to nobody, not even the Dark Lord! Are you nuts?”

Elrond: “They will answer to the King of Gondor.” (Pulls out Anduril.)

Aragorn: “You wouldn’t murder your daughter’s betrothed, would you?”

Elrond: “Stop your fretting! This is Anduril, Flame of the West, forged from the shards of Narsil and it’s all yours!”

Aragorn: “At last! Yippee! (Sings:) You will curse the day you did not do all that the Elfstone asked of you!”

Elrond: “The new patented E@E process is ten times stronger than the nearest competitor and resists corrosion five times better than Rustbegone and the five year limited warranty gives you the confidence you need to defeat the Dark Lord!”

Aragorn: “Speak the speech, I pray you, trippingly on the tongue as I pronounced it to you. But if you mouth it, like many of your players do, I had as lief the town crier spoke my lines.”

Elrond: “Put aside the bad attitude. Become who you were born to be! Take the Dimholt Road.”

Aragorn: “Feed a cold,”

Elrond: “Starve a fever. Good-bye.”

[Oddwen]

Scene: The camp. Aragorn is leaving in Middle-night for the Paths of the Dead.

)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)

Aragorn: *muttermutteryawn* Stupid Paths, don't know why the Dead would follow me, I haven't exactly chosen to accept my destiny as king yet...

Éowyn: Hey!

Aragorn: AHH!

Éowyn: Why are you packing up? The war's to the East! MY LORD, WE HAVE A DESERTER HERE MMMMMMMMMMPH!!

Aragorn: Shh! I'm not deserting! I'm just getting the Angband outta here!

Éowyn: And the difference is...?

Aragorn: Why are you here anyway? Shouldn't you be asleep?

Éowyn: I was stalking you...er, couldn't sleep and decided to follow you...er, I mean, I'm taking a walk.

Aragorn: Cute, real cute. Too bad, I've got a fiancée. She may or may not be dying, but a fiancée all the same.

Éowyn: I don't wanna marry you, who said anything about marriage? *wink*

Aragorn: *drool* No, no no, her father would kill me...I cannot give you what you seek, Éowyn. Anyway, it's only a shadow and a thought that you love.

Éowyn: I thought your shadow was pretty fine. *pout*

Aragorn: *drool* Ahhh haa muhhhhhhhhh...uh, I gotta go bye. Don't worry, be happy. Don't go after the host either, even if I have crushed all your hopes and you wish to die, or you'll be in big trouble.

(Éowyn wails and runs away. Aragorn watches her with glazed eyes, but then turns to go)

Aragorn: *sigh* Well, c'mon Brego, let's go rouse the zombies...AHH!

Gimli: Where are you going, you deserter? ALERT, ALERT, DESERTER AAAGH!!

Aragorn: For the last time, I'm not deserting! And you can't come with me.

Legolas: Yes he is.

Aragorn: AHH! Is everyone following me tonight?

Gandalf(behind a rock): No.

Théoden(behind a tent): No.

Eöl(behind a rock): No.

Finarfin(behind a tent): No.

Varda(behind a star): No.

Sauron(in the Palantir): No.

Arwen(behind a spear): No.

Celeborn(behind Brego): No.

Boromir(from Aragorn's saddlebag): No.

Eärendil(from Vingelot): No.

Éowyn(in plain sight): I am.

All: Go back to bed!

Aragorn: You guys cannot come with me.

Legolas: Have you learned nothing of the stubbornness of Dwarves?

Aragorn: Yes.

Legolas: Wait...which?

Pippin(behind a horse): We're going, or you'll have to tie us up in a sack to stop us!

Gandalf: Fool of a Took!

Pippin: I mean...they're going with you.

Aragorn(throwing his hands up): I'm outnumbered, fourteen to one!

Sauron: Actually, thirteen. I don't want them to go. The less, the best as I say!

Celebrimbor(in a hole): Is that why only One master ring was made?

Féanor(next to Eöl): That's why I never made any single item. If my only item were lost, I'd be doomed!

Sauron: Shut up!

Gothmog the Balrog(behind a small moon): You managed to be doomed pretty well, considering.

Fëanor: Well, I wasn't just going to kill one of my kin. It would go against my entire philosophy! The more the merrier, I say!

Sauron: That's not what I say.

Fëanor: Just who taught *you*?

Aulë(behind the mountain): I did!

Aragorn: ARGH! *He charges off wildly, followed by Legolas and Gimli. The rest of the crowd gets into a huge argument about Silmarils*

)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)

Next scene is Théoden and Éowyn's discussion before he leaves.

[lothlorien]

*Éowyn stands alone with her arms crossed, looking into the distance, her face perfectly still in deep thought.*

Eowyn: "What does he mean his shadow...Shadow heh, it is more than a shadow I care for". The sun rises. Théoden approaches.*

Théoden: "Ah Eowyn I left insturction with those not riding towards death and despair. The people are to follow your rule in my stead. It's quite fun you wouldn't believe the crazy things soldiers will do if you ask them" *he smiles fondly*. "Like the ones I had them go spy on that pesky Boromir heh heh he's a crazy one".

Boromir: from off in the distance "Hey I did hear that you know"

Theoden: "Hmm whatever happened to those guys...I don't think they've returned yet"...."Wait wasn't Boromir hiding in Aragorns saddlebag?" "Then where are the soldiers I sent after him?" *at that moment 6 soldiers come up practically dead on their feet*

Soldier: "King Theoden sir we have tracked the Lord Boromir throughout his journey

Theoden: "What why are there only 6 of you?. Where are the rest?"

Soldier: "Most of our number tragically died in an incident including a very scarey drop over a waterfall" *sudden flash back of them plunging over the water fall after Boromir* "Sir we believe he's dead"

Theoden: "Oh is he really?". "Then what do you call that riding away with Aragorn and the others?". "Go on get after them I haven't said you could stop tracking him yet" *they all groan but get up and start at a amazinlgy slow pace after them*

*Eowyn coughs to get Theodens attention again* Oh as I was saying long may you defend Edoras if the battle goes ill which it probably will. *Eowyn looks at him in surprise*

Eowyn: "Do you really think it that hopeless?"

Theoden: What? With Eomer taking a lead, that idiot will be the death of us all him and his stupid delivery trucks...I mean I have complete faith in the man even if he is...a little enthusiastic". *they both look over at Eomer who is practising intimidating facial expression's and shake their heads as they hear* "Are you looking at me...Are you looking at me".

Theoden: "Take up my seat in the Golden Hall...it needs a serious woman's touch as I fired the cleaning lady quite a while ago"

Éowyn: (blankly) What other duty would you have me do, My Lord?

Théoden: *Turns to Éowyn and takes her hands.* "Duty? Well now you mention it..." *Éowyn cuts him off quickly then forces a tiny smile* "Don't grieve for those whose time has come". *He cups Éowyn's head in his hands and brings her forehead to his.* "You shall live to see these days renewed. No more despair....Although I expect some grief if my unfortunate death does arrive in this battle". "And make sure no one tries to follow us I mean we can't have some silly woman follow us into battle now can we"

*He walks away leaving Eowyn considering this suddenly a lightbulb appeared above her head. 'If she followed them she could go into battle. and if she could go into battle, she could fight. And if she could fight she could prove she was as brave as any man. And if she could prove she was as brave as any man she could show up Aragorn and if she could show up Aragorn she'd feel better about not being with him...YEAH' she smiled and whistling innocently started towards the men's armour tent*.

Well that's this bit done the next scene is Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas on the road to the paths of the dead.

[Oddwen]

Two months later, Oddwen enters...ah, you know the drill.

Dang...it's been too long. I don't even remember the order of of the original script. 0_o; And I was watching FotR today (at my Dad's behest, I had naught to do with it), and I was remembering scenes from the book and wondering why they were missing in the extended edition...sheesh. Time to re-read.

_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_

Scene: Uh, lemme check...the road to the Dimholt.

(Dwarf, Ranger and Elf are on two horses riding towards the Door through the mountain.)

Aragorn: I can't help but think I should have a host of my kin at my side...

Legolas: War marches on their borders as well.

Gimli: Th-this is spooky. So tell me Aragorn, because half the audience needs some backstory, why does an army linger in such a place?

Legolas: The people who used to live here were afraid of wizards. So one day, when it rained and the sun and moon were out at the same time, they tried to burn the two village wizards Palatar and Allando, but they exploded killing everyone within 7.2 miles. They became vengeful spirits waiting for anyone to come through with musical instruments, for a gentle lullaby is the only thing that can give their souls rest.

Aragorn: What?

(Gimli swallows and nonchalantly throws away his lute and tuba)

Aragorn: Uh...no. Actually, the people of these mountains were supposed to fight for Isildur, they didn't, he cursed them, blah-blah-blah, me being the only heir of Isildur left, I'm the only one who can release them from their oath. Not that I've actually accepted my destiny yet, mind.

Legolas: Not the way my mommie told it to me.

(They reach the end of the road and the beginning of the door. The doorway is dark, and stick figures are everywhere.)

Gimli(flapping his arms): Brrr! My very bones are chilled!

Legolas(reading the symbols): "See Jané run. Run run run. See an orc chase Jané. Chase chase chase."

Aragorn: "The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut." Actually, it looks open, so let's go in.

Horses: Neigh! Fear! Run away!

Gimli: Nooo! Take me with youuuuuu!

Mysterious Voice from Within the Cavern: Whoo! Boogie-boogie-boogie!

Another Voice: PEEVES!

Aragorn: I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

(Legolas steps forward so he's firmly in the camera eye and smiles dashingly. With a spring in his step, he follows Aragorn in.)

Gimli: This is a thing unheard of! An elf will go underground and a dwarf dare not! Ooooh, if I don't go in, Aragorn will probably tell the elf he tossed me, ooohhh... *he stamps his feet and runs in as quickly as he can * Hey guys, waiiiiiit for meeeee!!

-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-

Scene: Back in Dunharrow. Merry has just expressed the desire to go fight with Theoden.

Men of Rohan: BAW-HAW-HAW-HAW!!

Merry: No, really!

Theoden(wheezing): We need big strong men to fight, not people who might get underfoot and stab someone behind the knee by mistake. Sorry, Holbytla.

Merry: But I want to kill someone. I...I have to kill someone. I...I NEED to kill someone. *he fingers the strange, otherworldly weapon in his pack as his eye begins to twitch*

Theoden: Little hobbits do not belong in war. They belong in the field, or in the pub, or in the kitchen doing dishes. Or wait, that one's about women. No matter. Women and hobbits can't fight, everyone knows that.

Merry: But all my friends went! I'll be a laughingstock!

Theoden: If your friends all jumped off the Tower of Ecthelion, would you jump too? Besides, we might all die anyway. You have my permission to fight if someone attacks back here. And that's all I have to say about that.

(Merry pouts as the men of Rohan start to ride past. More and more horses stream around him, black and dun and roan and piebald and palomino and stuff, until one of the last riders reaches out and pulls him onto his...I mean her, horse.)

Merry: AGH! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED! AAAAGHH...

Mysterious Young Female Rider: Shut up and ride with me!

Merry: Alright! I get to kill something! WOOO-HOOAAA-HAA-HAA-ow! That hurt, Eowyn.

MYFR: Sorry...I mean who?

Teh End