Middle Earth Tech Support - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Carrûn · 03-12-2005, 06:34 PM

...a bit morbid and off color perhaps. Hope it's ok.

Tech Support #1: Hello?
Túrin: Hello?

~ Static ~

Túrin: Hello?
Tech Support #1: Yes, can you I help? Call will being monitored for your safety and satisfaction.
Túrin: Um, I'm having some issues with my sword.
Tech Support #1: We not be making spear. Please hold for transfer.
Túrin: !?

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #2: Hello?
Túrin: Yes, I'm having some issues with my sword.
Tech Support #2: This is Nogrod Crafts and Craftsman, we specialize in jewels. Do you have any jewels?
Túrin: I was transferred here by your associates. I need help with my sword.
Tech Support #2: If you don't have jewels, we don't want your business. Sword manufacturing has been outsourced to Gondolin. Good day.
Túrin: Wai-

Tech Support #1: Hello?
Túrin: Fix my sword.
Tech Support #1: Yes, we making sword. Also making very strong medicine. What is problem with you?
Túrin: I'm fine, my sword is the problem.
Tech Support #1: How fine when sound so angry? Please hold for supervisor.

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Supervisor: Hello? Tech supervisor speaking. How can I help you?
Túrin: I need some answers about my sword.
Tech Supervisor: Please describe the problem.
Túrin: I feel some malice lies deep within it. Or maybe I just still feel guilty for killing my friend with it, I'm not sure really.
Tech Supervisor: I can transfer you to our sister service, Morwen Counseling, Inc. if you would like...
Túrin: No! Wait, please. I'm convinced that it speaks to me.
Tech Supervisor: It speaks? Really? I've always wanted one of those but they were always a customer only product.
Túrin: I don't like that feature. How do I turn it off?
Tech Supervisor: I don't know. There's nothing about that on the screen here in front of me.
Túrin: You're using a screen?
Tech Supervisor: Swords 1.0. The boss doesn't want to pay the license for 1.5.
Túrin: I hate you. I want to return the sword. Now.
Tech Supervisor: Please hold.

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #3: Hello? Product Returns Department? Help you I can, yes.
Túrin: I want to return my sword.
Tech Support #3: Having problem? Let me transfer you to customer service.
Túrin: !

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #1: Hello?
Túrin: I want to return my sword.
Tech Support #1: Will be transferring. Please hold.

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #3: Hello? Product Returns Department? Help you I can, yes.
Túrin: I want to return my sword.
Tech Support #3: Shipping address for you?
Túrin: Doriath
Tech Support #3: Dorthonion no good, address only, no Postal Office boxes.
Túrin: No, Doriath. One more mistake and you're on my list of tragically deceased associates.
Tech Support #3: So sorry, please to be speaking more calmly and slowly. Model name please.
Túrin: Gurthang.
Tech Support #3: Very nice model. Not many available.
Túrin: I want mine replaced.
Tech Support #3: When replacing, will be sending special offer. Only 19.95. Will enjoy.
Túrin: I just want the sword replaced.
Tech Support #3: What about offer #2, two payments of 9.99?
Túrin: No, just the sword.
Tech Support #3: Very well, will be sending special offer after you be receiving us sword.
Túrin: I don't understand. So will the sword be replaced?
Tech Support #3: Sword being replaced after you complete special offer.
Túrin: Special offer? Goodbye. I'm coming to kill you and eat your children alive while I dance on your corpse.
Tech Support #3: Thank me for you calling. Please be having wonderful day and call anytime we make you problem.

Lyta_Underhill · 03-12-2005, 08:31 PM

TS: Hello, Eregion Fine Jewelry Customer Service...(drones on..)
Frodo: I want to complain about my ring. I specifically asked for the NON-EVIL model.
TS: (still droning)...This branch is no longer in service; please refer all complaints to the Orodruin Center. Thank you for your business, and farewell until the world is changed.
Frodo: (angrily slams phone down) I only just GOT this ring! How can the manufacturer be out of business? (dials Orodruin Center)
TS: Orodruin Customer Service, Snaga speaking, how I help?
Frodo: I want to complain about my ring. I ordered a non-evil variety, you know, party tricks, disappear, pick your friends' pockets...and I got this nasty staring Big Red Eye and Wraith Attractant version. I want to exchange it for the right model!
TS: Uh...only one ring...to rule them all...One Ring.
Frodo: (fuming). How can there be only ONE ring? How do you guys stay in business?
TS: One Ring...get boss. (on hold...sounds of screaming and torture overlaid by strains of the Carpenters)
TS: Boss say bring ring in to shop. He fix.
Frodo: Where's your nearest branch to Hobbiton?
TS: Bring ring to Barad-Dur. He fix.
Frodo: How far is your shop?
TS: 1784 miles
Frodo: Can't you send someone?
TS: Sure. Send Witch King to get, er...fix! ring! Where you live? Name?
Frodo: Shire. Baggins. (knocks self in head) thinking: I don't think I should have said that!

Cheers!
Lyta

Morai · 03-15-2005, 06:07 PM

Quote:

TS: Sure. Send Witch King to get, er...fix! ring! Where you live? Name?

So that's how it happened!

Here's my somewhat lame contribution:
*Sauron 'picks up phone reciever' and dials Elven Contact Lenses Tech Support*
TS: Hello, If you'd like a refund or replacement for your product: press 1. If you'd like an autograph from our official spokesperson/ contact lense model (Legolas):Press 2. If you need counseling from one of our professional therapists: Press 3. To enter to win a free trip to the Grey Havens, press 4 now.
*Sauron presses 1*
TS: Press 1 for Common Tounge, Press 2 for Sindarin, Press 3 for Quenya
*Sauron Presses 1, thinking to himself 'What about Black Speech? Have I not conquered the property of this company already?'
TS: Transfering Call
*Pleasant Elven Voices sing elevator music*
TS: You have a problem with our product?
Sauron: Yes, my contact lense melted. It says on the label that it will magically cool off any burning sensations or dry eye.
TS: Do you have burning sensations or burning flames coming from your eye?
Sauron: Well...I guess my eye is on fire,
TS: We're sorry, but our contact lenses are designed for burning sensations only. Please Hang up now.
*Sauron slams the reciever down as it catches on fire, and the voice on the other line screams in terror*

Edit: Apologies for my misguided errors before, I don't have copies of the books, so sometimes I forget these things.

Celebuial · 03-16-2005, 05:47 AM

Quote:

TS: Press 1 for Common Tounge, Press 2 for Sindarin, Press 3 for Quenya, Press 4 for Dwarvish,

Not to be nit picky, but wouldn't sauron prefer to talk in Quenya being Maia and all????

Don't mind me I'm just jealous because I can't think of a witty tech support situation to post about!!!

Formendacil · 03-16-2005, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celebuial

Not to be nit picky, but wouldn't sauron prefer to talk in Quenya being Maia and all????

Don't mind me I'm just jealous because I can't think of a witty tech support situation to post about!!!

No more than Sindarin. Or less, perhaps. Quenya was an elven language, not an Ainur-ian one. And as the tongue of the Noldor, i doubt he would have appreciated it...

But how could you press for Dwarvish, since that is a secret tongue, not spoken to strangers.

It should be replaced with Black Speech, the real lingua franca of middle-earth. Spoken from Gundabad to Harad, from Moria to Rhun. Knowledge of Black Speech is a must for any fast-rising minion of Mordor.

Esgallhugwen · 03-16-2005, 05:21 PM

"Sword fixers tech support, If you have dented or warped your sword press one, if you have "lost" or "misplaced" your sword press two, if your sword was broken long ago press three, if you like the sound of my voice press four, if you want to hear the options again press five, if you don't have a sword and wish to buy one for a ridiculous amount of money press six, if your sword has a talking entity in it press seven, if you have forgotten why you called press six and we'll refresh your memory"

Aragorn presses three

"You have pressed three: if your sword was broken long ago. Would you like to here the option again? press six for yes and three for no."

Aragorn presses three again.

"You have pressed three confirming that you want your broken sword fixed, why bother it's best to buy a new one, so press six, if you insist on getting help to fix your sword press four"

Aragorn grumbles and pushes four

"you have pushed four which means you like the sound of my voice....."

Aragorn screams and hangs up the phone.

Morai · 03-16-2005, 07:41 PM

Quote:

But how could you press for Dwarvish, since that is a secret tongue, not spoken to strangers.

Good point:
*Gilmi dials Middle Earth Axe Company Tech Support*
TS: For instructions on how to use your axe Press 1. If you need a replacement axe Press2. For service on reparing your axe Press 3.
*Gimli Presses 3*
TS: For common tounge, press 1. For Sindarin: Press2, Quenya: Press3. Black Speech Press:4. Dwarvish: Press 5
*Gimli hesitates and presses 5*
TS: To confirm your dwarvish idenity, please repeat the following phrase in Dwarvish: "I like pink boxers."
Gimli: Phony imposters! *Hangs up phone and fixes the axe himself*

The question I have is...would the 'folks' of Middle Earth preferred to use other means to contact tech support?

03-16-2005, 05:21 PM	#6
Esgallhugwen Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Where the Moon cries against the snow Posts: 526	"Sword fixers tech support, If you have dented or warped your sword press one, if you have "lost" or "misplaced" your sword press two, if your sword was broken long ago press three, if you like the sound of my voice press four, if you want to hear the options again press five, if you don't have a sword and wish to buy one for a ridiculous amount of money press six, if your sword has a talking entity in it press seven, if you have forgotten why you called press six and we'll refresh your memory" Aragorn presses three "You have pressed three: if your sword was broken long ago. Would you like to here the option again? press six for yes and three for no." Aragorn presses three again. "You have pressed three confirming that you want your broken sword fixed, why bother it's best to buy a new one, so press six, if you insist on getting help to fix your sword press four" Aragorn grumbles and pushes four "you have pushed four which means you like the sound of my voice....." Aragorn screams and hangs up the phone. __________________ "...for the sin of the idolater is not that he worships stone, but that he worships one stone over others. -8:9:4 The Witness of Fane"

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03-12-2005, 06:34 PM	#1
Carrûn Wight Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Behind you, counting to 3 Posts: 234	Túrin wants his sword fixed. ...a bit morbid and off color perhaps. Hope it's ok. Tech Support #1: Hello? Túrin: Hello? ~ Static ~ Túrin: Hello? Tech Support #1: Yes, can you I help? Call will being monitored for your safety and satisfaction. Túrin: Um, I'm having some issues with my sword. Tech Support #1: We not be making spear. Please hold for transfer. Túrin: !? ~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~ Tech Support #2: Hello? Túrin: Yes, I'm having some issues with my sword. Tech Support #2: This is Nogrod Crafts and Craftsman, we specialize in jewels. Do you have any jewels? Túrin: I was transferred here by your associates. I need help with my sword. Tech Support #2: If you don't have jewels, we don't want your business. Sword manufacturing has been outsourced to Gondolin. Good day. Túrin: Wai- Tech Support #1: Hello? Túrin: Fix my sword. Tech Support #1: Yes, we making sword. Also making very strong medicine. What is problem with you? Túrin: I'm fine, my sword is the problem. Tech Support #1: How fine when sound so angry? Please hold for supervisor. ~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~ Tech Supervisor: Hello? Tech supervisor speaking. How can I help you? Túrin: I need some answers about my sword. Tech Supervisor: Please describe the problem. Túrin: I feel some malice lies deep within it. Or maybe I just still feel guilty for killing my friend with it, I'm not sure really. Tech Supervisor: I can transfer you to our sister service, Morwen Counseling, Inc. if you would like... Túrin: No! Wait, please. I'm convinced that it speaks to me. Tech Supervisor: It speaks? Really? I've always wanted one of those but they were always a customer only product. Túrin: I don't like that feature. How do I turn it off? Tech Supervisor: I don't know. There's nothing about that on the screen here in front of me. Túrin: You're using a screen? Tech Supervisor: Swords 1.0. The boss doesn't want to pay the license for 1.5. Túrin: I hate you. I want to return the sword. Now. Tech Supervisor: Please hold. ~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~ Tech Support #3: Hello? Product Returns Department? Help you I can, yes. Túrin: I want to return my sword. Tech Support #3: Having problem? Let me transfer you to customer service. Túrin: ! ~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~ Tech Support #1: Hello? Túrin: I want to return my sword. Tech Support #1: Will be transferring. Please hold. ~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~ Tech Support #3: Hello? Product Returns Department? Help you I can, yes. Túrin: I want to return my sword. Tech Support #3: Shipping address for you? Túrin: Doriath Tech Support #3: Dorthonion no good, address only, no Postal Office boxes. Túrin: No, Doriath. One more mistake and you're on my list of tragically deceased associates. Tech Support #3: So sorry, please to be speaking more calmly and slowly. Model name please. Túrin: Gurthang. Tech Support #3: Very nice model. Not many available. Túrin: I want mine replaced. Tech Support #3: When replacing, will be sending special offer. Only 19.95. Will enjoy. Túrin: I just want the sword replaced. Tech Support #3: What about offer #2, two payments of 9.99? Túrin: No, just the sword. Tech Support #3: Very well, will be sending special offer after you be receiving us sword. Túrin: I don't understand. So will the sword be replaced? Tech Support #3: Sword being replaced after you complete special offer. Túrin: Special offer? Goodbye. I'm coming to kill you and eat your children alive while I dance on your corpse. Tech Support #3: Thank me for you calling. Please be having wonderful day and call anytime we make you problem. __________________ "Dic, hospes, Spartae, nos te hic vidisse iacentes dum sanctis patriae legibus obsequimur."

03-12-2005, 08:31 PM	#2
Lyta_Underhill Haunted Halfling Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: an uncounted length of steps--floating between air molecules Posts: 841	Wrong model... TS: Hello, Eregion Fine Jewelry Customer Service...(drones on..) Frodo: I want to complain about my ring. I specifically asked for the NON-EVIL model. TS: (still droning)...This branch is no longer in service; please refer all complaints to the Orodruin Center. Thank you for your business, and farewell until the world is changed. Frodo: (angrily slams phone down) I only just GOT this ring! How can the manufacturer be out of business? (dials Orodruin Center) TS: Orodruin Customer Service, Snaga speaking, how I help? Frodo: I want to complain about my ring. I ordered a non-evil variety, you know, party tricks, disappear, pick your friends' pockets...and I got this nasty staring Big Red Eye and Wraith Attractant version. I want to exchange it for the right model! TS: Uh...only one ring...to rule them all...One Ring. Frodo: (fuming). How can there be only ONE ring? How do you guys stay in business? TS: One Ring...get boss. (on hold...sounds of screaming and torture overlaid by strains of the Carpenters) TS: Boss say bring ring in to shop. He fix. Frodo: Where's your nearest branch to Hobbiton? TS: Bring ring to Barad-Dur. He fix. Frodo: How far is your shop? TS: 1784 miles Frodo: Can't you send someone? TS: Sure. Send Witch King to get, er...fix! ring! Where you live? Name? Frodo: Shire. Baggins. (knocks self in head) thinking: I don't think I should have said that! Cheers! Lyta __________________ “…she laid herself to rest upon Cerin Amroth; and there is her green grave, until the world is changed, and all the days of her life are utterly forgotten by men that come after, and elanor and niphredil bloom no more east of the Sea.”