Survivor: The Second Age

[Anguirel]

(The camera pans over a wide, grey sea. Waves lash. Foam leaps. Gulls squawk hauntingly.)

(We see a ship, tiny in the immense swell. It is purple, pink, gold, and silver in colour, and looks thoroughly tasteless against the Romantic, refined background.)

(Close-up on a familiar figue in black plate armour staring meaningfully out to sea.)

ANGUIREL: I am about to struggle with one of the most awesome, unstoppable and terrifying forces in Arda...

(A vast, vast wave towers above the ship. A storm is howling. Land comes into sight, still far off, and the distant lights of Mithlond.)

FAR-OFF VOICES: Gonna get me a paaal-aaant-iiiiir...gonna get me a Sil! Mar! Il!

ANGUIREL: ...elvish pop music.

(Cut to Anguirel walking through a street in Mithlond to Gil-Galad's palace, which is emanating raaave sounds. Anguirel approaches an Elven Bouncer, imposing and bearded.)

ANGUIREL: Excuse me, have you seen two humans here, a recently evicted King filing for divorce and a ravishingly attractive love goddess?

CIRDAN: Maybe I have, 'n maybe I haven't. Wasinitfame, yo?

ANGUIREL: (sighing) Never mind. Could I have a ticket for the next performance by Spearplay?

CIRDAN: It'll cost ya, mate.

(Cut to Anguirel in the front row. Ereinion Gil-Galad and his backing group, Glorfindel, Elrond and Celeborn, are onstage.)

ANGUIREL: Fans of Elven boybands say that they're at their best when illustrating the range of their tonality.

GIL-GALAD: Yaaah, yaaah, gonna beat Annataar!

ELROND: Er, yeah, um, yeah, yar. (Aside) Is this the sort of thing you wanted, my lord?

GLORFINDEL: And I'm singin' and slingin' becos Gold is best.

CELEBORN: What did you say?

GLORFINDEL: Gold is best.

CELEBORN: Oh yeah? Well is you hard enough for silver, yo?

(He grabs Glorfindel's hair and they collapse to the ground, scratching and biting.)

ELROND: (to Anguirel, apologetically) They're the best of friends really.

ANGUIREL: Quite...ah...have you seen a King called Tar-Aldarion?

ELROND: Yes, actually. He's been imprisoned for disorderly behaviour.

ANGUIREL: And was he accomp...

ELROND: Oh, her. Don't ask, friend. Just don't...

GIL-GALAD: (in tears) Amaaanda!

ELROND: There, there, my lord...try Eregion, old chap. You might just have better luck.

ANGUIREL: Thanks for the help.

(He clanks out in an easterly direction.)