The Bad LotR Fan Fic Drinking Game

[Morthoron]

Elrond thinks us completely expendable (as well as annoying), so he sends us on a suicide mission with a false ring -- its properties give the appearance of the One Ring, like invisibility, but as Gandalf said, 'There are many magic rings in the world and none of them should be taken lightly'.

Thus, believing we have the One, we (the anti-fellowship) traipse off over the Misty Mountains and head eastward, get mixed up with Thranduil, then the dwarves of Erebor, and, passing to the Orocarni Mountains, we are to find the last sacred pool of Cuivienen to toss the Ring in (thus dissolving it in holy water)...

BUT!

We meet...THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!! Ummm...just kidding, actually, we meet...The BLUE WIZARDS, who are warring with each other in the East just as Gandalf and Saruman are in the West. Both Blue Wizards see the chance of using the pseudo-one ring to destroy the other, and we get mixed up in the whole mess.

Unwittingly, of course, we have steeled the hearts of both Thranduil and the dwarves (who had no intentions of fighting before we came), and we prevent the great legions of the Blue Wizard Alatar (the bad blue wizard of course) from marching into Rhun and then to Mirkwood at the behest of Sauron (because, naturally, there was another unaccounted for Palantir). Without the legions of Alatar, Sauron's armies are limited against Erebor, Dale and Mirkwood, and thus they are eventually defeated, and Rivendell and Eriador are not overrun.

There. How's that?

[mark12_30]

Verily I am stunned into silence.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by mark12_30

Verily I am stunned into silence.

You're stunned? Just think how I feel, I had to write it!

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

But.... (it feels weird to be saying this) ....that almost sounds like too good a plot for a truly awful Sue. Where are the cute guys for the Sue to adore (or for the Stu to become bestest buddies with)? Okay, there's Thranduil, who is okay because he's Leggy's dad, but a bunch of dwarves and elves and wizards and men that nobody's ever heard of (well, they didn't make it into the movies, so they didn't really exist, did they???)... Oh, the horror, not enough of the Right People for the Sues to ogle or impress with their miraculous and splendiferous skills and beauty...!

(time to go scrape residual crud off the roof of my brain... )

[Oddwen]

Well, Alatar could have a daughter and Pallando a son, who of course are in love with each other...and since, ubiquitously, they've obviously been forbidden to even meet, though they regularly have secret midnight meetings a couple of times a fortnight, they could be easily swayed by any passing fancypants.

Or a tribe of Amazon-Sues are in the employ of one of the wizards. Of course, they must be dazzled by even the least of well-choreographed Suecraft.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

But.... (it feels weird to be saying this) ....that almost sounds like too good a plot for a truly awful Sue. Where are the cute guys for the Sue to adore (or for the Stu to become bestest buddies with)? Okay, there's Thranduil, who is okay because he's Leggy's dad, but a bunch of dwarves and elves and wizards and men that nobody's ever heard of (well, they didn't make it into the movies, so they didn't really exist, did they???)... Oh, the horror, not enough of the Right People for the Sues to ogle or impress with their miraculous and splendiferous skills and beauty...!

(time to go scrape residual crud off the roof of my brain... )

You know, I had thought about that. Having personally written extensive fan-fic taking place in the far east of Middle-earth (and not a Mary-Sue character anywhere, mind you!), I considered the possibility that this plot might be too...ummm....credible. However, I had to weigh the readability factor of the piece, as well as take into consideration we the writers.

My concern is that if it is too idiotic, then it will quickly loose any cohesion and will not maintain any readership; likewise, if the writing isn't clever, how soon shall the contributors grow bored of the exercise? A farce or satire is only as good as its premise. If the story we write has an internal logic and a credible storyline, the abuses to canon and the distraught nature of the romances will be apparent but acceptable because a suspension of disbelief has hopefully occurred.

Anyone can mock bad Tolkien fan-fic (this thread is a testament to that), but most bad fan-fic is not readable after the first page. As soon as the first violet-eyed, silver-haired Elfess comes prancing out mourining the loss of her lover Legolas, the literate readers roll their eyes, laugh for a moment, copy pertinently abysmal passages, then post them elsewhere on threads like these for other posters to heap their derision on. I know, I've done it before.

Traveling eastward opens up some new dimensions of banality:

1. Falling in love with a Beorning and bearing his cub (great for the skinchanger crowd)

2. The tragic King Brand, who is to fall before Erebor. Who knew he had the sodomitical proclivities of Edward II?

3. Legolas' other brother Orophelas (or sister Thrandulasse?) is forbidden to leave Mirkwood (because, of course, one prince is all that can leave at a time). He/she might consider disobeying her/his tyrannical father (a la Luthien/Thingol) to go with her/his lover into great danger.

4. The Blue wizards are much more...ummm...passionate in an earthy sense than Saruman or Gandalf. Who knows? We can have a part 2 based on the son or daughter of the Blue Wizard trying to dominate the world after Sauron's fall.

5. Jesus Christ lives in Dorwinion (or perhaps its John the Baptist).

6. The Arkenstone is really a Silmaril (I got that from this forum), and with the combined force of the Silmaril and the Ring, one of the anti-Fellowship's power becomes too great and he/she betrays us and must be destroyed.

7. One of the characters in the anti-Fellowship is actually a Black Numenorean mole, and the son of the Mouth of Sauron, who has been sent to infiltrate and destroy the anti-Fellowship (stupidly mistaking us for the actual Fellowship).

*shrugs*

I don't know. Thoughts?

[Mithalwen]

Other than I think we should keep Jesus (and indeed his cousin) out of it .... some splendid ideas there

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

Other than I think we should keep Jesus (and indeed his cousin) out of it .... some splendid ideas there

Actually, I was joking; but I have seen Tolkien fan-fic so overtly religious that there were indeed churches and sacerdotal paraphernalia so profuse, one would think they were at the Vatican.