The Battle of the 5+ Armies

[Zigûr]

An odd element which comes to mind in addition to the weird Trolls are the weird cavalry mounts: Dáin's boar and Thorin and co's rams (taken straight from World of Warcraft more or less).

We know in the books that the Dwarves weren't fond of animals in general and only used things like ponies/horses for transportation: they don't seem to have ever used cavalry in battle, for instance, and they didn't keep pets.

One thing I disliked about these mounts was that they were too overtly "fantastical" in the sense that they neglect the element of realism that underlines all this fantasy in the books. Orcs rode wolves, but that was a very unnatural thing. I disliked Thranduil's elk-ish mount and Radagast's rabbit sled for the same reason. Just put them on horses. If this was one of their films of The Lord of the Rings, I think they would have been on horses.

In any event, it didn't gel with elements like Thorin's musing over the acorn of Beorn which he was shown by Bilbo: the Dwarves are meant to be disconnected from the natural world, growing things and so forth, so it felt inconsistent to me that they were magically able to produce strange animals over which they had a great deal of control. Maybe it was meant to be emblematic of Thorin's change of heart that suddenly he was a friend to bird and beast but riding goats? Not in Middle-earth, I don't think. Leave it to the imitators.

Speaking of animals and transportation as well, what's happening with all these armies marching around Wilderland in full gear even when miles from the battle without any visible supply train? The Orcs of Gundabad must have had snacks concealed in those huge metal fan blades on the backs of their helmets. Note that in the book it's mentioned that the Dwarves of the Iron Hills did march in full gear while carrying large packs of supplies on their backs.

[Kuruharan]

Originally Posted by Zigûr

it felt inconsistent to me that they were magically able to produce strange animals over which they had a great deal of control. Maybe it was meant to be emblematic of Thorin's change of heart that suddenly he was a friend to bird and beast but riding goats? Not in Middle-earth, I don't think. Leave it to the imitators.

I think you are giving them too much credit. I think it was just meant to be "kewl!"

Speaking of animals and transportation as well, what's happening with all these armies marching around Wilderland in full gear even when miles from the battle without any visible supply train? The Orcs of Gundabad must have had snacks concealed in those huge metal fan blades on the backs of their helmets. Note that in the book it's mentioned that the Dwarves of the Iron Hills did march in full gear while carrying large packs of supplies on their backs.

You forget that in this version of Middle earth, Gundabad and Dul Guldur are both about 5-10 miles away from Erebor.

[Rikae]

Well, immediately after watching BoFA I wrote a review and toddled off to the 'Downs to post it. But, alas, the 'Downs was not there.
So here you go, if anyone still even remembers the movie at this point!



Well, I finally saw it. I wasn't in any hurry. But, to be honest, it wasn't as bad as I expected. Not nearly as bad as the second film. It certainly wasn't good -
too much over-the-top garbage and padding and sheer nonsense for that - but there were actually moments I enjoyed. Perhaps it could be edited down into something decent.

Maybe I was able to enjoy those moments because PJ can no longer offend me with his stupid roadrunner-cartoon slapstick. I've come to expect it and
laugh at the absurdity. I actually got a good chuckle out of Thrandy's party elk with orcs dangling from his antlers. It's so terrible it's funny, if one can keep
from getting angry at how disrespectful PJ is of Tolkien.

So, the low points:

- I'll start with the worst, probably the worst moment from all six of PJ's Tolkien-inspired romps: the moment when the Hobbit became Dune. I was waiting for someone to
announce that Bilbo was the Kwisatz Haderach. They were only in one shot - if only those worms could have been left on the cutting room floor!

- Electric!Galadriel and Possessed!Thorin. Apparently PJ was so overwhelmed by the positive response to the former in LoTR, he just had to bring her back. And how does it make
sense for her to be able to banish Sauron completely on her own?
As for Thorin, as others have mentioned, it removes all complexity from his character. But hey, I guess it was more important to have a "ring" and a "Gollum". Why mess with a successful
formula, amirite?
There's a pattern of PJ not trusting actors to convey changes of mood without digitally altered voices, it seems.

- Most of the titular battle, especially the bit with Leggy and Bolg on the bridge. I was under the impression, briefly, that Bolg and Tauriel died when she kicked them over the cliff. I even said
"good way to take him out!" - and then we're treated 20 minutes of aging Orlando (can he really be only two years older than I am? He looks ROUGH) hopping around on rocks suspended in midair
and so on.

And the elves jumping over the dwarves' shield wall, as you do.

The presence of trolls bigger than the ones in LoTR, because, uh, why not?

The fact that the women in Laketown decide to join the fight (which I liked) but you never actually see them fighting.

The bit where Azog jumps out of the ice. This was my conversation with Mac:
*Thorin steps off the ice, Azog falls in* Me: "That was actually pretty cool" Mac: "Yeah, something new for a change."
*Thorin stands there* Me: "But I bet he pops out and drags him in." Mac: "I hope not, that would be terrible."
*Azog floating under the ice* Me: "Called it" Mac: "Please, no..."
*Thorin follows him* Me: "Oberyn Martell all over again!"
*Azog's eyes pop open* Both: *groan*

Not to mention the presence of Azog at all, but that's an old gripe.

- That stupid unibrow lakeman. He's not funny. He's not interesting. He's a predictable, boring, annoying, stereotyped excuse for a character and he ruins every scene he's in.


The high points:

- Smaug attacking Laketown. Although I was annoyed by the way the thrush was left out (which is very important to the plot!), this scene did look suitably scary and impressive.

- The costumes of the dwarves, orcs and lakemen (the elves were a bit too "Elder Scrolls Altmer" for my liking). I also like the look of Dale.

- Thorin and Kili. Hey, I have no objection to a little eye candy. Mac complained about Thorin running to battle without armor, with his shirt unbuttoned no less. I didn't.

- Bilbo giving the Arkenstone to Bard. It was actually touching, as it should be.

- Thorin's death scene, same reasons. Although for some reason the Rankin-Bass version is replaying in my mind now.

- Bilbo returning to the Shire. Lobelia's spoons, and the transition to LoTR. It actually left me with a smile on my face. I also liked Billy Boyd's song during the credits.



Overall, there is one thing I think we can all celebrate about this film: it should mark the end of the Peter Jackson Tolkienesque Franchise. Now, perhaps, the Tolkien fandom will go back to being about Tolkien. Images of elves on surfboards will fade, and the tides of Time will sweep them away.