Beren and Lúthien - Changes needed

[Findegil]

BL-SL-03:

So would they not that angry day
King Felagund their lord obey,
but murmured that Finrod was not grand
as any Vala to command.

Looks good for me.

BL-RG-00.7: I searched for the discussion about 'magic', but could not find it. I think now that the discussion was done in a phase of the project with not many participants, but I am not sure of that. But I can asure you that Patrick Curry's opinion played no part in that discussion at all. The Letter you quoted and the refelctions of Galadriel where considered.
Anyhow, after that discussion, I as the keeper of the texts, did go through all texts and introduced the changes (when the reference was to elvish craft) without farther discussion of each occurence. Therefore I appreciate when you (or anybody else) finds such places where these regular changes are problematic for any reason.

In this special case I, after farther refelction could even agree to keep magic, since we most probably speak about a work crafted by dwarfish masons and we did allow magic to stand in other cases of dwarfish craft. But nonetheless as they had elvish help and the help of Melian in crafting the halls of Menegroth, I would rather replace it.
I like your new suggestion of {in magic}[so crafted]. Aiwendil, is that okay for you as well?

BL-RG-08.5: I did understood your use of doom well enough. I just find it a bit broad. But if you and Aiwendil are okay with it, we can take it.

BL-EX-10: Okay, as I said, I am far from beeing in expert in ryhming. If 'seek'-'indded' id not good your lines wih 'seek'-'reek' are totally okay for me.

BL-EX-10.5: Well, as a none native speaker syllables and stress counting doesn't seemed to be that easy for me. For the first line your repetition of 'went' works fine for me.

Respectfully
Findegil

[Aiwendil]

On the subject of the provenance of the texts, I agree with Findegil.

BL-RG-00.7: I don’t really agree that “magic” must be purely negative in its connotations. I’m not sure about “by masons”, though. The imagery in the poem is one of a forest of real trees being petrified, turned to stone. Yes, in reality they were carved by masons, but what the poem is saying is that they are like towers of an enchanted wood, made fast by magic.

“So crafted fast forever bound” doesn’t work for me, either; I’m not quite sure how it fits grammatically, and again it loses the point of the imagery, which is of a forest having been turned to stone.

BL-RG-08.5: I guess I can live with the spark/dark solution, though again, I also think that omitting the lines as we had earlier decided is fine.

BL-SL-03: I agree with Findegil here. I’d prefer to omit the couplet, unless a different solution can be found. The “grand/command” solution doesn’t work for me, I’m afraid. “Grand” is not the appropriate word here.

BL-EX-10: I’m not wholly convinced by either of these proposals.

First of all, I’m not sure what you mean, Elvellon, by “putting ‘Celegorm the fell’ and ‘sight that is given’ back in Finrod’s mouth. In the version previously adopted, both of these phrases are direct quotes from Finrod. However, your first couplet is an improvement over mine in terms of meter. I’m not sure about the “But lastly”, though. I think a slight improvement over your lines would be:

But Finrod, ere he bade farewell,
spoke thus: ‘To Celegorm the fell

“By thou” is wrong; it should be “by thee”.

I’m not sure about “from the reek”. I mean, yes, maybe it’s true that Angband is filled with noxious fumes, but since this hasn’t been brought up, it seems an odd way to refer to it. I recognize that “’neath the triple peak” is also clunky, but at least “triple peak” is a clear reference to Thangorodrim. Findegil’s version tries to avoid this, but “seek” and “indeed” fail to rhyme.

I don’t understand why you change “shall” to “will” in these lines:

will be delivered from the reek,
but never to your hands will fall.

“Shall”, with its implication of necessity, seems more appropriate for a foretelling of the future, a “doom” as it were.

Finally, I think the last line, “to another the bride-price of Luthien” is also too long.

I will try to take another crack at these lines tonight, but at least my earlier proposal could be slightly revised:

But Finrod, ere he bade farewell,
spoke thus: ‘To Celegorm the fell
I say, by sight received this hour,
by neither thine nor any power
shall thy kin the Jewels regain
before the end. All in vain
you swore. And this that we now seek
shall come from ‘neath the triple peak
but never to your hands shall fall.
Nay, your oath shall devour all
Fëanor’s sons, and to other care
Lúthien’s great bride-price bear.

BL-RG-22: I’m slightly hesitant about “purpose true”, but I suppose it’s fine. However, I do think we should retain “neither” instead of changing to “not”.

BL-RG-10.5: I’m afraid these lines don’t work for me. The “would go/follow” rhyme is very awkward, and the curse doesn’t lay “therein” but rather “thereon”. Also, the line “Celebrimbor rose and disclaimed” is a little metrically awkward. Let me think about these lines; I agree it would be nice to be able to include Celebrimbor’s renunciation here.

Apologies if I'm being a bit difficult about some of these lines, but I really do feel that we should be very careful about messing with Tolkien's verse, and I would generally rather omit some lines than have our amateurish poesy stick out line a sore thumb.

Edited to add: Sorry, I started writing this post before the last two posts from Findegil and Elvellon, but I've edited to add my thoughts on additional proposals from them.

[Elvellon]

Apologies if I'm being a bit difficult about some of these lines, but I really do feel that we should be very careful about messing with Tolkien's verse, and I would generally rather omit some lines than have our amateurish poesy stick out line a sore thumb.

No apologies necessary. Since I’m new here, I just want to make sure to say, I’m not wedded to any of my suggestions, nor am I offended by their rejection. I realize I’m very late to the party, and suggesting changes to things that were decided years ago, so I’m just offering up ideas. And though I might disagree, it’s never with hard feelings.

BL-RG-00.7: I agree, which is why I think "by magic fast for ever bound" is really best here.

BL-RG-08.5: Omitting is best, since a solution hasn't been found that everyone is happy with.

BL-EX-10:

First of all, I’m not sure what you mean, Elvellon, by “putting ‘Celegorm the fell’ and ‘sight that is given’ back in Finrod’s mouth. In the version previously adopted, both of these phrases are direct quotes from Finrod.

In the latest working draft Findegil sent me, these lines are outside the quotes. Here is the clean text of that section taking from the Word doc:

But Finrod, ere he bade farewell,
spoke thus to Celegorm the fell,
by sight allowed him in that hour:
‘By neither thine nor any power
shall thy kin their Jewels regain
before the End; yea, all in vain
you swore. And this that we now seek
shall come from ‘neath the triple peak,
but never to your hands shall fall.
Nay, your oath shall devour you all,
Fëanor’s sons, and to other care
shall Lúthien’s great bride-price bear.’

Maybe the working draft was not updated?

For comparison, in §194 of the Grey Annals, Finrod says:

[…] ‘But this I will say to you, [son of Fëanor >] Celegorn the fell, by the sight that is given me in this hour, that neither thou nor any son of Fëanor shall regain the Silmarils ever unto world’s end. And this that we now seek shall come indeed, but never to your hands. Nay, your oath shall devour you, and deliver to other keeping the bride-price of Lúthien.’

My goal was to find a way to more closely follow this speech.

I’m not sure about the “But lastly”, though. I think a slight improvement over your lines would be:

That’s a fine improvement.

“By thou” is wrong; it should be “by thee”.

You're right, but that's what Tolkien used, so I left it.

I’m not sure about “from the reek”. I mean, yes, maybe it’s true that Angband is filled with noxious fumes, but since this hasn’t been brought up, it seems an odd way to refer to it. I recognize that “’neath the triple peak” is also clunky, but at least “triple peak” is a clear reference to Thangorodrim. Findegil’s version tries to avoid this, but “seek” and “indeed” fail to rhyme.

It's a poetic allusion to the reek of Thangorodrim and the Iron Mountains, and it’s a noun Tolkien used several other places in the text, although not for Thangorodrim, but it still seemed a rather safe option for a rhyme, in order to more closely follow the Grey Annals.

“Shall”, with its implication of necessity, seems more appropriate for a foretelling of the future, a “doom” as it were.

You’re right, it should be “shall be delivered from the reek,” but “but never to your hands will fall” seems fine to me, and keeps the number of “shalls” the same as in the original quote.

Finally, I think the last line, “to another the bride-price of Luthien” is also too long.

It’s 11 syllables, true. But it still works as 4 feet:

to an-oth-er the bride-price of Lu-thi-en

which doesn't sound so out of place, and has the benefit of being Tolkien's own words.

[Aiwendil]

BL-EX-10:

In the latest working draft Findegil sent me, these lines are outside the quotes.

I have to apologize; it seems the version of our chapter that I have on my laptop may not be up to date. It had a slightly different version with those lines part of the direct quotation.

You're right, but that's what Tolkien used, so I left it.

I don't see where Tolkien used "by thou", which would be quite a surprising error from him.

It's a poetic allusion to the reek of Thangorodrim and the Iron Mountains, and it’s a noun Tolkien used several other places in the text, although not for Thangorodrim, but it still seemed a rather safe option for a rhyme, in order to more closely follow the Grey Annals.

I understand this, but I still don't think it works here. Tolkien uses the word plenty of times in descriptive passages, but here it's being asked to stand as a metonym for Thangorodrim or Angband, without any other context.

If the rhyme using "reek" is strongly preferred to "triple peak", we might make it a little clearer:

But Finrod, ere he bade farewell,
spoke thus: ‘To Celegorm the fell
I say, by sight received this hour,
by neither thine nor any power
shall thy kin the Jewels regain
before the end. All in vain
you swore. And this that we now seek
shall come from Angband's smoke and reek
but never to your hands shall fall.
Nay, your oath shall devour all
Fëanor’s sons, and to other care
Lúthien’s great bride-price bear.

It’s 11 syllables, true. But it still works as 4 feet:

It's four feet, yes, but three of those feet are dactyls instead of iambs or trochees. Scanning through Tolkien's verse in this lay, I can't find any lines that do that - in fact, it's rare to find a line with other than 8 or 9 syllables.

So, overall, I think I prefer my version above.

[Elvellon]

Originally Posted by Aiwendil

I don't see where Tolkien used "by thou", which would be quite a surprising error from him.

Not "by thou." I'm referring to "neither thou nor any son of Fëanor" in §194 of the Grey Annals.

If the rhyme using "reek" is strongly preferred to "triple peak", we might make it a little clearer

I like that.

It's four feet, yes, but three of those feet are dactyls instead of iambs or trochees. Scanning through Tolkien's verse in this lay, I can't find any lines that do that

I can think of one, line 189 of the Lay Recommenced:

• no shadow of Morgoth, and no evil thing

And he did use 10 syllables every so often (not an exhaustive list):

• and secretly, alone, would peril dare,
• of many a bird, the pattering fall
• great powers, and towers, and strong walls shake;
• in the land of the Valar long ago;
• in dream and wandering.’ Whispering low
• The wolves whimpering and yammering fled
• thou shalt learn the power of Elfinesse!’
• in the dark corridors. ‘A guileful oath
• Then clear in the silence the cold words rang

[Findegil]

BL-RG-00.7: Okay, since the ‘like’ in the line before makes this a figurative description and a petrified wood (living trees being stopped from fulfilling their natural grows) has exactly that subtle touch of evil Tolkien saw and laid into Galadriels mouth, I agree that ‘magic’ can stand here.

BL-RG-08.5: Okay, ‘dark’-spark’ solution it will be than. (Since the restoration of lines will call for renumbering, which is quite an amount of work, I will only take up that task, when all active members agree that we are done with ‘Beren and Lúthien’.

BL-SL-03: What about this:

So would they not that angry day
King Felagund their lord obey BL-SL-03
but sullen murmured that {Finrod}offhand
{nor yet his son were as a god}was not his right to command.

BL-EX-10: Do I see rightly that only the last couple is still not settled?

BL-RG-22: Seems we are all in agreement here.

BL-RG-10.5: I tried my hand at avoiding ‘would go’-‘follow’, and what if we avoid the curse here:

‘We will remember it,’ they said,
and turned upon their heels, and sped,
saddled their horses, trussed their gear,
and went with hound and bow and spear,
BL-EX-10.5 alone; for none would follow their track.
Celebrimbor, son of Curufin, stepped back
at that time, and he disclaimed
his father’s deeds; and he remained
in Nargothrond. At last they spurred
their horses north, and spoke no word
but sounded horns, and rode away
like wind at end of stormy day.

Respectfully
Findegil