New Movie Script

[Oddwen]

Whoa, don't click on Nilp's above link! Unless you want your eyes to be assailed by the Red "The" Of Dooom!

-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-

*meanwhile, back at Osgiliath*

*Faramir is running, running. All about him are Orcs and his fellow men. The men are dying. He runs through an arch, followed by the living...*

Madril: Faramir! Duck!

Faramir: Quack, quack!

*Fortunately for the Steward's heir, he triPs on one of the dead and goes sprawling as the Gondorian archers loose their arrows at the following Orcs*

Madril: We cannot hold the Orcs back! The city is lost!

Faramir: But surely there are a few brave men who...

Madril: BY THE NOSE OF THE LORD FARAMIR, RETREAT!

Various Soldiers: Ai, the command of the Nose! We are lost!

*Suddenly, Nazgûl appear, and begin to rake men from their posts high up in the towers and to subsequently drop them from great heights*

Faramir(nose pointed to the sky): NAAAZGÛÛÛÛLLLL!!

Madril: Please, please not a repeat of that scene from TTT...

*The Nazgûl swoop down towards Faramir, but are confounded and swept away as Faramir strikes at them with his nose*

Madril: ...What are you doing, my lord?

Faramir: I am *grunt* fighting a losing *swipe, screech!* battle, Madril!

*Finally, the Nazgies are confounded, giving the men of Gondor time to retreat for their horses. Alas for Madril, as he ran for his horse Mookie, an Orc steps out from behind a post and wounds him*

Madril(lying on the ground, wheezing): Ouch...pain...hey guys? Wait up! If you could just wait a second...ow...'tis but a scratch...

*Slowly, slowly the living approach. At their head is a pink monstrosity, a fearsome color amongst Sauron's army. After all, 'tis but a watered-down shade of red*

*Madril looks up from his vantage point with fear in his eyes, and the "Orc" stabs down with his blade*

Orc #7: My lord...that was his thigh.

Gothmog: Oops *stab*

Orc #7: That was his shoulder, lord.

Madril: Ouch!

Orc #18: Go for his vitals, his vitals!

Gothmog: *stab stab stab stab*

*Finally, Madril's chest was crushed and he could breathe no more*

Gothmog: The age of Men is over. The time...of the Orc has come.

Orc #82: Then what are YOU doing here?

Gothmog: *stab!* Punk.

Random Pink Orc: I love you!

Gothmog: Freak. *stab!*

-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-

End of side one. Please fast forward side one, and turn the tape over to side two.

Next scene is "The White Rider Coming To The Aid Of What Is Left Of The Army Stationed At Osgiliath", or TWRCTTAOWISOTASAO.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Whoa, don't click on Nilp's above link! Unless you want your eyes to be assailed by the Red "The" Of Dooom! (Oddie ex-Moddie)

Ugh. I thought it would only highlight the 'until the next World Cup' part. *shrugs* Highlighting is a tricky business, y'know?

I'll have to take the next one, 'TWRCTTAOWISOTASAO' did you call it?

[Meneltarmacil]

Ummmm, I already did the Aragorn/Legolas/Gimli chasing the Orcs scene. The next scene is where Aragorn and Co. meet up with Eomer's riders.

[the guy who be short]

(Aragorn, Gimli and Leggy hide behind a rock as the Riders come up.)

Aragorn: Little hey little ho!
Riders: Little hi little ho!
Eomer: What business have a man, a woman and a child in Rohan? Speak slowly, I have bad hearing.
Gimli: Child? Child? You have bad sight too. Do you wanna swap names, by any chance? Gimli gets a bit tiring after a while...
Eomer: I would cut off your head, Child, if I could find my sword. *squints*
Gimli: I am no child!!!
Leggy: And I no woman! *strings bow*
Aragorn: Let there be peace. I am Aragorn, and am Aragoing to find my friends who were abducted by alie- er, Orcs.
Eomer: Can you speak up please?

[ August 25, 2003: Message edited by: the guy who be short ]

[Meneltarmacil]

The next scene is where Aragorn is finding out what happened to Merry and Pippin and Merry and Pippin's meeting with Treebeard.

[elfearz1]

This scene was already done (Cinderella did a good job btw) but I thought of something funny to add:
Frodo: Sam, what have we got to eat?
Sam:*taking the elven-way bread out of his pack* Lembas bread and look more Lembas bread*he throws a piece to Frodo, but he doesn't catch it*
Frodo: 10 second rule!!!

(ok, my creativity is tapped out [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] )

[Cinderella]

[Leggy, Aragorn, and Gimli approach the pile of burning orc flesh and A & G begin to paw thru as Legolas watches with disgust]

Legolas: *squeel* Ew... don't touch it!
Gimli: Look, it's one of their little belts!

Leggy: mmm, Yah, out of fashion too, defintely theirs, a gift from Galadriel, Lothlorien is so last season

Gimli: *mutters* self-centered, nancing, pretty boy elf....

Legolas: "Hiro hyn hîdh ab 'wanath."
Translation: (May all dwarves (esp. Gimli) die a fiery death in unfashionable clothing with bad hairdos, preferably beehives and mu-mu's)

[Aragorn stares at the belt and begins to cry like a little girl and suck his thumb, Gimli affectionately hands him his blankie]

Gimli: We failed them

[Aragorn looks to the side and tracks catch his attention]

Aragorn: A Hobbit lay here, and the other.

[Aragorn licks the dirt, suddenly smiles and nods knowingly]
Leggy: Was that really necessary?

[Flashback: Merry and Pippin shrug their shoulders and trot off towards Fangorn]

Aragorn: Their hands were bound.
Gimli : Kinky!
Leggy: [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img]


[Flashback: Merry takes some rope out of his pocket and puts it on the ground as Pippin rubs his tush in the dirt to leave his scent]

Aragorn: Their bonds were cut.
[Aragorn holds up a broken rope]
Leggy: Whats that smell?
[everyone looks at Gimli]
Gimli: He who smelt it dealt it...

Aragorn: [rolls eyes] They ran over here...

[Flashback: M&P enter fangorn and Pippin removes belt on the way in due to bloating from fab orc food]

Aragorn: Tracks lead away from the battle, into...Fangorn Forest.

[The Three look up into a very dense forest, Gimli develops a twitch, much to the annoyance of Leggy]

Gimli: *twitch* Fangorn! What madness drove them in there?

Leggy: *giggles* oohh!! *nances into Fangorn*

[ September 01, 2003: Message edited by: Cinderella ]

[Oddwen]

*Merry and Pippin rush inside Fangorn*

Merry: *wheeze* I think we lost 'em! *pant*

Pip: That's good. *gasp!*

Grishnak: Wait up! You-

Merry: Run!

*They both run, but the orc is catching up, in spite of his deadly wound. Merry sees that it's hopeless to outrun him and tries to save Pippin.*

Merry: Climb a tree, Pippin!

Pip: I don't wanna!

Merry: Climb it!

Pip: You can't make me!

Merry: CLIMB THE TREE IF YOU VALUE YOUR SOUL!

Pip: Eh? I didn't know that hobbits could cl-
*Merry grabs him and throws him twenty feet up. He tries to climb up himself, but is suddenly grabbed from behind. Grishnak stands over him and growls menacingly*

Pip: MERRR-RRYYYYYYY!!!

*Suddenly, the tree he has been so violently thrown up in starts to move!*

Tree: Humm??

Pip: Ugh!
*The tree drops him to his death. Miraculously, he appears back in its branches unharmed*

Grish: I just wanted to tell you that you dropped your wal-
*But he is cut short by Pippin falling on him and is crushed*

Merry: Wha?

Tree: *picks them both up and surveys them curiously* Little orcs, burarom!

Merry: AHH! Where??

Tree: *blinks* Er, well, you I thought...

Pip: Nah.

Merry: We're hobbits!

Both: We're hobbits, we're hobbits, we're hobbits by rights! We eat all day and we eat all night-

Tree: No, no singing! I allow no singing in MY forest!

Merry: It's your forest? You must be an Ent! A shepherd of the forest! An Onodrim! Why, one of the very beings that Yavanna sent to the world to guard the woods from evildoers! You must be older than the very hills!

Tree: My my, aren't you the scholarly type? My name, little orcs, is Treebeard.

Pip: Whose side are you on?

Treebeard: Well, I tend to stray away from left-wing policies, but I'm not really on anybody's side. For you see, that nobody is on my side.

Pip: Not even playing softball?

Treebeard: Huh?

Merry: You'll have to excuse him. He's a little slow.

TB: Oh. No problem. I have the same problem with Saruman.

Pip: The White Wizard?

TB: Yep. *he suddenly dumps them in front of the only clean person in the entire trilogy*

Both: Wow!

(Next scene, unless you want to parody the meeting between the White Wiz, is "The Black Gate is Closed")

[Meneltarmacil]

Actually, the next scene is the Dead Marshes.

[Oddwen]

You're right, I'm sorry. Marshes, Three Hunters meet Gandalf, more Treebeard, then the Black Gate.

[Meneltarmacil]

Frodo and Sam arrive at the Dead Marshes.
FRODO: There are faces! Dead faces in the water!
GOLLUM: Don't follow the lights, or nice hobbits go down to join the dead ones.
*Frodo falls into the water and is immediately surrounded by screaming fangirls [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img]*
*Gollum pulls him out*
GOLLUM: Don't follow the lights!
*Frodo is completely traumatized for the next few days*

[ September 07, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[elfearz1]

Frodo finally gets to sleep, but he has a nightmare about fangirls and wakes to find Gollum crouching a few feet away from where Sam and himself are sleeping. He is muttering something about his precious.

Gollum: soo bright, so beautifull
Frodo: What did you say?
Gollum: Master must sleep, he needs his rest.
Frodo: Who are you?
Gollum: I am...your father
Frodo: no! Noooooooo
Gollum: oh wait, that's not in the script
Frodo: whew! I don't think I can handle any more surprises like that I'm already scared enough for one day.
Gollum: *ahem* musn't assk usss not hiss buisnesss no *gollum* *gollum*
Frodo: Gandalf told me you were one of... them
Gollum: I'm a little bit country
Frodo: he said your life was a sad story
Smeagol: I'm a little bit rock and roll
Frodo(trying to ignore what Gollum is singing): You were not so very different from a hobbit once, were you... Sméagol?
*it has no effect on him*
Frodo: ... Sméagol!
*dramatic music plays yet it still has no effect*
Frodo: SMEAGOL! *splashes him with water and he wakes up*
Gollum: oh! oh...What did you call me?
Frodo:That was your name once, wasn’t it? A long time ago.


alright that was lame, I'm done for now.

[Meneltarmacil]

Since this thread was never finished and I'm planning to turn it into a fanfic when it's all done, I must revive it.

I believe the next scene is here Frodo talks to Gollum about his past, and then they see the Nazgul (or in this case, they're politicians...read the Weathertop scene) fly overhead. I don't have any real good ideas right now though.

[Oddwen]

Well, we'll see here:

Frodo: You weren't that much different from a hobbit once, were you?

Gollum: Of course we weress, Precious! Not like hobbits at all, all fancy grammarses and brass buttoness, no no! *gollum gollum*

Frodo: *in slow-mo* Smeeeeaaaaaaagoooooolllll....I still retain some residual effects from that Politician blade. blah blah blah blah blah blah...

Gollum: NOO! Yes, Smeagol, that was my name!

Nazgul: *WREEEE!!* Give up the porcelain cow, mere puny mortal! You amateur right-wingedconservativetaxing muffincajoler! I blow my nose in your general direction!

Frodo: *rolls eyes* Oh puh-leeze... *clutches shoulder weakly* Ooh, the pain, the pain, wa wah wah.

Naz: Perhaps you are not frightened yet...but look at what I now ride on!

*Sam, Fro and Smeegs now gasp as they catch sight of...A HELICOPTER IN FULL MILITARY REGALIA! The three dive under the only bush in the vicinity. Their heads clonking together sounds like coconuts*

Naz: Oh, where have they gone to now? I cannot see! Ah well. Back to report to the Eye.

Fro: It's gone! But I thought they had had their campaign funding cut!

Smeegs: No, you cannot totally cut them off from their funds! There's always anonymous contributions...and even the lottery!

Fro: There, see Sam? There's no use for you to contribute to the lottery, it's fixed in their favor!

Sam: *grumble, flazzzumph*

Smeegs: The Black Gate *dun dun dun!* is very close. Hurry hurry, silly hobbitses!

(next up, the three hunters enter rohan and meet "someone they did not expect [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img] )

[Oddwen]

(heck, why don't I do it?)

*The Three Hunters walk into the woods, and look warily about them*

Gimli: *picks at a leaf* Mmm, spearamint!

Legs: *stares absentmindedly at a tree*

Aragorn: These are strange tracks! They read...like strange tracks.

L: I think that I shall never see, a poem lovely as a tree...

G: *crunch crunch*

L: This forest is old. Very old. Older than I am.

A: Goodness sakes!

L: *deadly glare* It's full of memory. And anger.

A: And you're full of beans.

L: Gimli! Stop eating the plants! They don't like it!

G: Who doesn't like it?

L: My elven senses are tingling.

A: What is it?

L: My foot's asleep.

G: Hmm, that's funny, I think I feel the presence of a great, powerful person.

A: Try rubbing it.

GreatPowerfulPerson: Eh?

L: Ooh, it's tingling!

GPP: What?

A: Strike it against something.

GPP: I beg your pardon! I have not passed through fire and water to bandy crooked words with witless worms!

G: Uh, guys?

L: Ah, I feel life in me again!

A: Oh, hello Saruman! What...GREAT GALLOPIN' GOLLUM! *leaps onto Leggy's shoulders and screams*

GPP: Uhh, aren't you supposed to be looking for two young hobbits?

G: Miserable trickster! What have you done with our friends?? *grabs his axe and deftly hacks of bits and pieces of GPP's clothes, all the while humming and absentmindedly examining his fingernails*

GPP: Gimli, you idiot! *tries to hold pants up* Don't you recognize me? I'm Gandalf!!

G, L, & A: ...

G: Oops...here's your suspenders...

Gandy: *huff*

L: Forgive me while I kneel....I think my other foot's asleep...

A: Hey, wait a minute...didn't you fall?

Gandy: Yes, I did. I fell through fire..................AND WATER!

*flashback: fight with Bill the Balrog*

Gandy: And I cast him from the high space, and smashed him against the mountainside. And then I strayed through................SPACE! And then..............THROUGH TIME! And every stinkin' day took longer than it takes Legolas here to wash his hair.

G & A: WHOA!

Gandy: Then I wandered through space and time, to another dimention. A dimention of sight, of sound, and of mind. At the signpost up ahead, my next stop was the Twilight Zone. I relived the horror of William Shatner in "Terror at 20,000 Feet", slept as long as they in "The Rip Van Winkle Caper", and was batted about by the whim of Eru as if he were the boy in "It's A Good Life".

G&A&L: Zzzzz...

Gandy: And then I was sent back for a brief time for good behavior. Hello?

A: Zzz*snork* wha? Oh. One thing hasn't changed, old guy. You still talk on, and on, and on, and on, and on...

G: So, do we go after the hobbits now? Please? I think that tree is giving me a dirty look.

Tree: Hoom!

Gandy: No, maybe not right away. We've got to go to Edoras.

A: Why?

Gandy: Because I said so, that's why! I'm Saruman as he should have been, cuz if you haven't noticed he's a very very very bad guy. And he's got a spy in the royal halls, and if we do not act soon, the great pizza stores of Rohan may be sucked into the vaccuum of the fires of industry, and the iron fist of the orc.

A&L&G: *gasp!*

G: What're we waiting for??

A: Let's go!

L: Guys, my hand is asleep!

(Ok, I'll stop rambling. Next scene, if ya wanna go EE, is Gandalf's royal talk with Aragorn, or the scene with Shadowfax)

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 3:26 AM December 07, 2003: Message edited by: Oddwen ]

[Theoric Windcaller]

(The four exit Fangorn, Gandalf whistles to and the call is quickly returned by a gleaming horse, white as snow, galloping towards them fom across the plains.)

Legolas: That's one of the Mereas, unles my eyes are cheat--, hold on. Gandalf, that's my horse! I remember cause he has a scar on his leg!

(Gandalf looks around.)

Legolas: Give me back my--

Gandalf: Well, it looks like we better be going now. Up, up and away horse!

(The horse doesn't move.)

Gandalf: Grrr. (kicks the horse. He speeds off.)

--

(The four ride up to Rohan.)

Gandalf: Edoras, and the Golden Hall of--uh---, uh. Yeah. Theoden's mind is overthrown, and we're gonna have to beat the mess out of him to get Saruman out.

(Meanwhile...)

Eowyn: My lord, your son--well, we were paintballing in the field, and I guess I was aimed to low, I am shot your son in the no-no spot.

(Theoden laughs.)

---

Gandalf: Be careful what you say, this is the land of critics and Harry Potter fans--do not look for welcome here.

---

Grima: (seeing the lord's son in pain)- Oh, I guess your team won then. Poor bloke never wins.

Eowyn: No shoot, sherlock.

---

Hama: Sup dog, I mean... (cough) Hail. I cannot have you before Theoden king so armed.

Gandalf: I bet it was that little twit Grima who made up that rule, pompus little---

Hama: Actually it was me.

(Silence.)

Gandalf: Fine.

(Gives the guys their weapons and the four head on.)

Hama: my lord, Gandalf comes, and he looks like he ain't happy.

Gandalf: Man, you better get all yo fools up in 'ere to start acting nicer to me.

Grima: Yeah, he ain't happy.

Theoden: Why should I do that, Gandalf?

Gandalf: Cause I told you to.

Grima: Late is the hour in which this conjurer comes! Ill news is an ill guest.

Gandalf: shut up you Harry-Potter look alike! I've seen you in your room, dressing up like the boy! Keep your tongue behind your teeth.

Grima: (cough) I dunno what he's talking about.

(That's my two cents. Someone else take over.)

[Meneltarmacil]

(skips over a Treebeard scene...hopefully someone will go back and do that later.)

GOLLUM: The Black Gate!

SAM: Actually, it looks more gray to me...

GOLLUM: Nassty hobbit! Never can do anything right, can we? Ohh noooo...

*the Easterlings come up from the southwest*

RANDOM EASTERLING: Umm, I guess PJ wanted us to take the long way around or something.

FRODO: It's opening!

SAM: I can see a way down! *slides down the hill*

FRODO: Sam! No! *slides after him*

*The Easterlings notice them, and Frodo puts the cloak over them*

EASTERLING: Hmmm. *accidentally kicks the "rock" rather hard*

FRODO: Ouch!

EASTERLING: Hmmm, a talking rock. Cool. *moves on*

FRODO: I do not ask anyone to go with me...

SAM: I know.

GOLLUM: No! Must not go that way! He'll catch you! And he'll take the preciousss!
...There's another way, yesss... a stair... and then a tunnel...

SAM: He's trying to trick us!

FRODO: No he isn't!

SAM: Yes he is! I happen to know because I read the book! He's going to lead us into some bug ugly stinky spider's lair and take the Ring!

FRODO: Well, in that case... *goes to the gate*

*the gate abruptly shuts, pinching Frodo and Sam in between*

F&S: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

GOLLUM: *pulls them out* Stupid hobbitses!
(thinks to self) Must take nasssty bookses...

If someone wants to do that fairly short scene with Treebeard, go right ahead, otherwise, continue with Theoden's exorcism.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I'll do Treebeard...and Théoden's exorcism, too...

Treebeard: My home lies deep in the forest near the roots of the mountain. I told Gandalf I would keep you safe and, safe is where I'll keep you. The trees have grown wild and dangerous. Anger festers in their hearts. They've lost their pensions and their life savings to some scam of Saruman, something about investment in cross-breeding. They will harm you if they can. And they sure can. I've seen some drunk trees accidentally step on Men. Horrible, I tell you. There are too few of us now, too few of us Ents left to manage them.

Merry: Why? Impotence?

Treebeard: No...we're still as wild as we used to be far back in the Elder Days. Problem is, we've lost the Ent-chicks.

Merry: Poor things...

--------------------

Grima: His staff. I told you to take the wizard's staff!

*Grima's boys move toward Gandalf. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli do Matrix-style moves against them*

Gandalf: Théoden, son of Thengel. Too long have you sat in the shadows.

Théoden: Your love of the Halfling's weed has clearly slowed your mind.

Gandalf: What the...I need to call a lawyer... *brings out phone*

Théoden: *wicked laugh* You have no signal here...Gandalf the Grey!

Gandalf: What the Mandos...I'm a lawyer myself! *Gandalf removes cloak* I will sue you, Saruman, and you will lose.

Théoden: ACK...join the dark side, Magneto...ARGH!!!

Éowyn runs toward Théoden, but Aragorn stops her*

Aragorn: Wait.

Éowyn(thinking): Oooh...manly grasp...

Théoden: If I go, Théoden dies.

Gandalf: You did not kill me. You will not kill him.

Théoden: Well, I can't argue with that...bye! *Théoden becomes younger...until he becomes a baby*

Théoden(to Éowyn): Ma-Ma.

Gandalf: Hey special effects! You overdid the "younger" thing!

SPFX guys: Sorry... *presses a few buttons* There!

Lame, yes...but the Ents cannot hold back the storm... [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]

Later days! [img]smilies/cool.gif[/img]
-&gt;Elenrod

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 3:45 AM December 11, 2003: Message edited by: Nilpaurion Felagund ]

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I'll do the next one, too.

Gandalf: Your fingers would remember their old strength better, if they grasped your sword.

*Hama brings him his sword*
*Theoden pulls it from its scabbard, but drops it, right through his stomach*

Théoden: Augh! *dies*

Gandalf: He's down...MEDIC!!!

PJ: Oh...sorry, Ian. We can't afford to hire medics.

Gandalf: But New Line gave you more than a hundred million!

PJ: We spent it mostly on the Elves' hair care.

Gandalf(mumbles to self): Stupid Elves. *turns to PJ* We'll just have to replace him...who do you have there?

PJ: Well...John Noble is here.

Gandalf: Great...

Théoden: I'm OK! I'm not hurt! Nobody panic! It was deliberate!

Gimli: You are full of surprises, Master Horseman, and... *whispers* you stole my line...

Théoden: Whatever. Where were we? Oh, yeah. *glares at Grima*

*Hama and another Rider roll Grima outside*

Grima: Argh! Ow!

*King Théoden follows down the stairs, draws sword*

Grima: I've only ever served you, my lord. *slinks backwards*

Théoden: Your leechcraft would have had me crawling on all fours like a beast!

Grima: Send me not from your side! Or just don't kill me! *whimpers*

*Théoden raises sword*
*Aragorn grabs his hand*

Aragorn: No, my lord! No, my lord. Let him go. Enough blood has been spilt on his account.

Théoden(thinking): Ooooh...manly grasp...

Grima: What do you expect!? I use leeches!

Théoden: Say...you're right!

*Grima scrambles to his feet and runs toward the gates*

Grima(thinking): Good thinking, Master Wormtongue!

Later days! [img]smilies/cool.gif[/img]
-&gt;Elenrod

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 11:56 PM January 20, 2004: Message edited by: Nilpaurion Felagund ]

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

So...anyone next?

[Sleepy Ranger]

Whats the next scene?

[Meneltarmacil]

Finally. Somebody besides me cares about this thread. THANK YOU NILPAURION FELAGUND!!! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] Together, you and I shall keep this parody strong until the end of ROTK! Just save the Paths of the Dead for me, as I've got a nice little parody planned for that.

Theoden visits Theodred's grave

THEODEN: Symbl... smprh... simmy... whatever that stupid flower's called, how I'm supposed to keep up with these long and unpronouncable names, I sure as heck don't know, I mean I'm just not...

PJ: AHEM!

THEODEN: Oh! Right, as I was saying, long has it covered the tombs of my fathers. Now it shall cover the grave of my son. Alas that these evil days should be mine....

GANDALF: Get a grip Theoden, you didn't kill him, that slimy little Worm guy did.

THEODEN: No parent should have to bury their child.

GANDALF: He was strong in life. His spirit will find its way to the halls of your fathers.

THEODEN: *sniffle*

GANDALF: Resto harfthpmlfff, uhh, restrothing, umm, fredrath hoof, no that's not it, uhhhmmmm, *sigh* I give up! What the (censored) am I supposed to say?!

PJ: For the 1,000,000,000th time... *hands Gandalf the script*

GANDALF: OH! Right, I knew I was forgetting something...

PJ: AHEM!!!!!!!!!

GANDALF: OK, Ok!! Resto had. Ferthu, Theodred, ferthu.
*mutters* Whatever that means...

THEODEN: Oh, thank you, Gandalf!

*kiss*

*WHACK WHACK WHAM WHACK*

GANDALF: Listen, you, just because I'm played by a gay actor DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO HUMILIATE ME IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY!!!!!!

THEODEN(covered in bruises from Gandalf's staff): *whimper*

EOTHAIN & FREDA(who just arrived): *giggle giggle*

GANDALF: WHAT?! What are you kids lookin' at?! Aren't you supposed to be half dead at this point?

Next scene is where Theoden learns about the orcs in the westfold and decides to lead the people to Helm's Deep, Gandalf leaving to find Eomer, etc.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Finally. Somebody besides me cares about this thread. THANK YOU NILPAURION FELAGUND!!! Together, you and I shall keep this parody strong until the end of ROTK!

Or until the next World Cup, whichever comes first.

Just save the Paths of the Dead for me, as I've got a nice little parody planned for that.

Yes, and save me the part of the Helm's Deep scene where Pfc. Todd Blackburn...erm...Legolas throws the rope to Gimli and Aragorn. And maybe the part when Théoden and Aragorn will attack from the inner chamber of the burg.

Anywhen...

--------------------

Éowyn(rising): They had no warning. The wild men ordered coffee, but our stores had run out. Now the wild men, deprived of caffeine, pillaged every village, looking for coffee.

Freda: Where is Mama?

Éothain: We left her behind, remember? She'll just eat all the pizza.

Freda: Oh. Yeah.

Gandalf: This is but a taste of the terror that Saruman will unleash. Soon, he'll take all the sugar in Rohan, and your land will be flooded by hyperactive Orclings. Ride out and meet him head on.

Théoden: Nah, I'm too old to do that...how about Éomer? He could do it.

Gimli: HP-lookalike just sent him away, remember?

Théoden: Right. OK, then. I won't fight. I won't risk open war...

Aragorn: Open war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not.

Théoden: ...ts. Hate those things. They're too itchy when they pop open.

Aragorn:

Théoden: Hey! Nobody rolls his eyes in my court! I'm the king!

Lawyer: A-hem!

Aragorn:

Théoden(to Aragorn): Do that again and I'll leave you behind when you fall from a cliff! (to lawyer) What?

Lawyer: I represent the estate of the deceased Elvis Presley. You just violated 24 000 copyright laws and is hereby penalised...

Théoden: That's it. We hide in Helm's Deep. Hurry!

--------------------

Háma: By order of the king, the city must empty. Litigation is upon us. If you value your life, GO NOW!

*Gandalf and Aragorn rush through the street to the stables, followed by Legolas and Gimli*

Gimli: Helm's Deep! They flee to the mountains when they should kill the lawyer! What has happened to good ol' gore?

Aragorn: Théoden is a cowardly b****** who p*sses on his pants. What do you expect?

*They enter the stables*

Gandalf: There is no way out of that ravine.

Aragorn: Good!

Gandalf: *glares at Aragorn* As I saying, the people of Rohan will need you. The defenses have to hold.

Aragorn: I will hold Éowyn's...*Gandalf glares at Aragorn*...I mean, they will hold.

*Gandalf reaches Shadowfax and strokes him*

Gandalf: The Grey Pilgrim. That's what they used to call me...

Gimli: Yak, yak, yak. Why don't you just go?

*Gandalf mounts Shadowfax*

Gandalf: Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.

Gimli: JUST GO! *raises axe*

*Gandalf rides off, passing Legolas and Gimli on his way out of the stable*

Gimli: Damned git almost ran us over!

Later days!
->Elenrod

[ 10:24 PM January 25, 2004: Message edited by: Nilpaurion Felagund ]

[Arwen Evenstar]

Darn! I forgot what comes next! That hardly ever happens! If I mess this up I`m so sorry! Alright, I`ll try:

Sam: Hey, Stinker, don`t be gettin` too far ahead!
Gollum: Why is it soo mean to us?!
Sam: I was talking to Frodo, stupid!
(Frodo glares thinking, "Do I really smell that bad?". Gollum goes back to chasing fish.)
Frodo: Why do you do that?
Sam: What?
Frodo: Call him names, run him down all the time.
Sam: Because. That`s what he is Mr. Frodo. There`s not left in him but lies and deceit. It`s the ring he wants. It`s all he cares about.
Frodo: You have no idea what it did to him. What its still doing to him!
Sam: Uhhhh... what`s it doing to him?
Frodo: (scratching his head) Hmmmmm... I forget. Anyway, I want to help him, Sam.
Sam: Why?
Frodo: Because... because... Oh stop confusing me, you stupid fat hobbit!
(Sam nods and walks away)
I`m sorry, Sam. I don`t know why I said that.
Sam: I do.
Frodo: You do?
Sam: Yes. You said that because ...er...um...never mind.
Frodo: (making a noise in his throat)
Gollum! Gollum! (walks away)
Sam: Can`t you here yourself? Don`t you know who sound like? (walks away)
Gollum: (still chasing fish, looks up)
Where`d they go?

I know, it`s very lame. It was fun though! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img] [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img]

[Meneltarmacil]

Just to clear some things up, as we just skipped a few scenes...

The next scene was where Aragorn and Eowyn did their little "duel", then Grima telling Saruman that the road to Helm's Deep was dangerous and Saruman giving the order to send out the Warg Riders. After that, there's the scene in the post above this one, then Gollum's famous "talking-to-self" scene.

This site has the whole script in movie order, so please check it if you can before posting. Thanks!

I personally can't do justice to the Eowyn/Aragorn scene, so I'll pass it to somebody else.

And be sure to leave the Pyre of Denethor scene for Meela, as I don't think anybody is NEARLY as qualified for it as she is. [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 11:57 PM January 24, 2004: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

&lt;Éowyn opens a chest in which lies a sword. She unsheathes it and begins to practice. She swings around and is met by Aragorn, who blocks her parry.&gt;

Aragorn: You have some skill with a blade.

&lt;With a swift move, Éowyn swings her sword and renders Aragorn vulnerable, gaining the upper hand.&gt;

Éowyn: I know, I got ****ed off ages ago that my uncle wasn't letting me fight, so I learnt how to use a sword so I could disguise myself as a Rider...but don't tell Theoden...

Aragorn: Not a word...Ahem, now back to the script...What do you fear, my lady?

Éowyn: Theoden finding out that I've learnt how to use a blade and disguised myself as a rider. His slipper really hurts...

Aragorn: You are a sneaky, deceitful little woman... &lt;He sheaths his knife.&gt; I do not think that would be your fate...and stop staring at me...

&lt;He bows and Éowyn gazes after him as he walks away.&gt;

[Sleepy Ranger]

If nobody minds I'll do the next scene.

&lt;Nighttime, Frodo and Sam are asleep. Gollum is crouching in a corner by himself.&gt;

Gollum: We wants it. We needs it. We lovesss it. We diesss without it. It was our first and last love. We needs it. We needs it.

Smeagol: No we love master but stupid fat hobbit not let us get close.

Gollum:Yes, precious. We loves it too......I mean he will cheat you, hurt you, break your heart.

Smeagol: Masters closer than a friend.

Gollum: You don't have a friend you're too fat thats why nobody would date you back in school.

Smeagol:&lt;Staring at his hand watching the nailpolish dry&gt;You say something?

Smeagol#3: No maybe no. 4 did.

Smeagol#4: What I didn't say a thing.

Smeagol#5: Nope not me.

Smeagol: Wait how many more are there?

Gollum: Well due to budget cuts ony the 7 of us there were supposed to be about 7 million.

Smeagol: HAHAHA

Gollum: That was my line.

Smeagol#4: Come and give me a big kiss.

Smeagol: Gaaaaahhhhh!! Go away! Go away! Master loves us now we don't need you.

&lt;Smeagol pants and then looks around to see that they're all gone.&gt;

Smeagol: Well thats over with.
--------------------------------------------

Next is the rabbits scene. Hope someone likes it.

[Elennar Starfire]

Smeagol: Lookie! Lookie, mommie! See what good Smeagol finds? *drops two mutilated rabbits in Frodo's lap*

Frodo:*stares at the rabbits, then at Smeagol, in horror*

Smeagol:What? Are they not tenderized enough yet? *picks one up and starts chewing on it*

Sam: *turns an unattractive shade of green* You'll make him sick, you will! You've already made me sick!

Smeagol: Thank you, Yoda. [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]

Sam: There's only one way to eat a brace of coneys! *muttering* probably give us all indigestion, after being touched by that slimeball...

~LATER~

Smeagol: Stupid fat hobbit! I wasn't finished tenderizing them!

Sam: I am not fat! *cries*

That is the end of my creativity for now. Back when my brain recharges.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Errr...guys...you forgot this...

--------------------

Gríma: Theoden will not stay at Edoras. It's vulnerable from our lawyers and random solicitors. He knows this. They will flee to Dunkirk...

Saruman: Dunkirk?

Gríma: Ooops, wrong war...hehe...I meant Helm's Helmet? Helm's Comb?

*Saruman arches left eyebrow*

Gríma: Look, it's here...*points at map*...OK?! I'm not an atlas or something!

Saruman(strides through the caverns of Isengard muttering): Insubordinate servants...*shouts* Hey! Sharkû!

*An exact clone of Saruman appears(Well, this is...slightly disturbing.)*

Saruman: What the...where's Sharkû?

Sharkû: I'm Sharkû!

Saruman: No, you fool...the Orc!

Sharkû: I'm not an Orc!

Saruman: But PJ named the Orc who handles the Hyenas...Bacons...Something-that-growls...whatever...look, PJ named the Orc "Sharkû!"

*Sharkû walks out muttering, then bonks PJ hard in the noggin. PJ is knocked unconscious*

Elenrod Felagund, someone who happened to be there at that moment: OK, continue!

Saruman: Send out your Warg Riders.

*Sharkû (the Orc) snarls and growls*

--------------------

Well, that was disconcerting...

Later days! [img]smilies/cool.gif[/img]
-&gt;Elenrod

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 10:15 PM January 25, 2004: Message edited by: Nilpaurion Felagund ]

[Oddwen]

I care too! It's just been busy, I guess...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Sam: I am not fat! *Sam sobs his li'l heart out*

*meanwhile, Frodo hears a loud sneeze and goes to investigate*

Gollum: Oh, isn't he Precious? Fat he is!

Sam: I am not fat! I'm just...festively plump.

G: Pphhft.

Sam: Boy, all we need now is some 'taters.

G: Taters? Oh, puh-leesssse. You ignorant FAT hobbitses...don't need taters. Rutabaga and chives! And you'll be wanting some nicccce parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme too, eh precious?

S: I'll parsley sage rosemary and thyme you...hey Mr. Frodo? *goes crashing loudly through the brush screaming* MISTER FROOOOODOOOOOOOO!!!

*Frodo grabs Sam's leg from his hiding place in a bush*

F: Will you shut up!

*Smeagol sneaks up behind them, giggling faintly and holding a cup of warm water*

S: That only works when we're asleep, Stinker! Oh wait, I probably shouldn't have said that. Every time you open your mouth, my old Gaffer used to say, I'd put my big foo-*Frodo stifles him*

*The trio see in front of them sneaking through the bushes...men wearing altogether too much eyeliner! It is a horrible sight, as one of them keeps drinking out of a glass bottle and screaming "That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow to you, savvy?" But just then, Sam grabbed Frodo's arm*

S: Mr. Frodo, look! It's an Oliphaunt!

F: Where?

S: *points* Right there!

F: I don't see...

S: *grabs Fro's head and points it at the Oliphaunt* RIGHT there.

F: Sorry, I'm just not seeing it.

S: D'oh!

*Gollum, tiring of this stupidity, abruptly leaves*

S: How can you say you can't see it? It's as grey as a mouse, and big as a house!

F: Sorry, dude. Must be my politician wound has blinded me to potential pork bills.

S: Pork?? Pork??? Mr. Frodo, I know pork, and that ain't pork!

*Suddenly, arrows fwip! out of nowhere, and the men in eyeliner start screaming and flailing wildly. The one with the bottle screamed out "YO HO my hearties!" one last time before being ensnared in a loose rope off of one of the Oliphaunts, and jerked about like a rag doll. His body landed smack in front of the two hobbits*

S&F: Yipe.

F: I think we've lingered quite long enough. Let's skedaddle. *Fro jumps up and turns, and runs right into a really tall man*

S: I can't believe you didn't see that...hey Mr. Tall Guy! Did you see that Oliphaunt?

Tall Guy: Several.

S: I told you, Mr. Frodo....hey! You can't treat Mr. Frodo like that! *he tries to pull his sword out of the sheath, but it sticks*

S: Dratted Gollum and his dratted peanut butter...nevermind! I think I'll just sit on you! *he rushes the man, but another knocks him down and puts a sword to his throat*

*A creepy guy appears. His nose is very large*

Faramir: Bind their hair from their faces. It must be blinding them.

Madril: Ahem...

F: Oh yes. Glue their fingernails together...*Madril shakes his head* I mean tie them together with used hankerchiefs. *Madril rolls his eyes and the hobbits are toted off screaming*


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wheee-eeew!

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 1:40 AM January 31, 2004: Message edited by: Oddwen ]

[Oddwen]

I just had to do this scene too:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

*Scene: The Three Hunters, Gandalf, and the Rohirrim are riding to Helm's Deep. Gimli is on a horse, chatting to Eowyn who is walking beside him*

Gimli: True, you don't see many Dwarf women. The truth is, they are so ugly that the men never let them out of the caves for fear that they will be mistaken for Orcs, heheheheh. And if you believe that, I have a piece of Mt. Doom I can sell.

Eowyn: (in a monotone as she gazes unblinkingly at Aragorn) Heh. Heh. Heh.

G: It's of course rediculous, since I've never been near Mt. Doom. I did, however, go to the Lonely Mountain when I was a lad...

Arod (The horse): STOP! Stop, I can't take it anymore! *charges off*

Gimli (while flying through the air): ...It was the nicest summer I had ever seen. The grass was long, the sun was keen, the shining river afar was seen...*thump*

Eowyn: *smirk*

Theoden: Eowyn, go pick him up. He is company, after all.

Eowyn: *grump*

Gimli: I meant to do that. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. My friend Grakalaka and I were taking a walk down by the stone gardens and...

Entire host: AAARRGH!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Next scene is the Aragorn/Arwen flashback.
Or...when did the Stew scene appear? I can't remember.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Hey! At the risk of sounding presumptious, I've got a few ideas...mind if I place them here? Thanks! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

Merry: Ok. *looks around and hides the gun in his bag. Walks away wistling*

We could use the M-16 for the slaying of Witch-King...

Hey, what do you think about Boromir not dying, at least not at Amon Hen?

I've got these few ideas...


1. Arwen kisses...Boromir?

2. Gimli: Where is he? I'm gonna kill him!...Boromir? You fell?
Boromir: I fell? I FELL??? You hit me with the axe!

3. Legolas: That is no Orc-horn.
Gimli: No, it's Boromir's...

4. Boromir to die in Helm's Deep, but how is up to you...

Thanks! [img]smilies/cool.gif[/img]
-&gt;Elenrod

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 10:29 PM February 01, 2004: Message edited by: Nilpaurion Felagund ]

[Meneltarmacil]

We could use the M-16 for the slaying of Witch-King...

I had the same idea! Great minds think alike, don't they?

OK,it's official. The M-16 is used for that scene.

[Kransha]

Continuing into the Warg Attack Sequence

*Gamling and Hama are scouting*

Hama: Ya know, Gamling, you and I are nothing more than extra characers designed to respond to all of Theoden's orders and our purpose from book to script has been mangled horribly.

Gamling: You, shut up.

*Right on cue, a huge pink hyena/lemming pounces on Hama*

Hama: NOOOOOOO! My brief and unnoticed career cut short by a lemming!

*Legolas is already on top of the lemming, riding it like a cowboy*

Legolas: Giddy-up little doggie!

*the warg dies because of the bad cliche*

Legolas: A scout!

Hama's dead body: Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.

-Cut to back with the refugees-

[Meneltarmacil]

ARWEN: The light of the Evenstar does not fade.

ARAGORN: I am asleep. This is a dream...

ARWEN: Then it is a good dream... *kiss*

*Aragorn wakes up to the smell of warg breath, and finds that he has just kissed a warg*

ARAGORN: Zzzz...Oh, Arwen...zzz...snort.. Huh? What the-
EYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

*chops off warg's head and runs*

THEODEN: What is it? What do you see?

ARAGORN: Wargs! We're under attack!

Next scene is... well, you know, the warg attack/cliff fall scene.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

*Aragorn turns around to look at Éowyn, then rides to battle*
*Everyone is silent*

Aragorn: It's not me. I took a bath, I swear. *looks at the battlefield, sees Gimli twirling his axe, killing the last lemming*

Théoden: Well, I'll be...the midget did it.

Legolas: Hey, I shot a little doggie, too.


-----Flashback to Isengard-----

Elenrod Felagund, someone who happened to be there at that moment: OK, continue!

Saruman: Send out your Warg Riders.

*Sharkû (the Orc) snarls and growls*

Saruman: Oh, and send the fangirls, too. Just in case.

-----End flash back-----


Fangirls: viggo! orly! We luv u!!!!!!!!11 lol

Gamling: Fangiiiiiiiirls!!!!

*The fangirls pass by Gimli, and try to grab Legolas and Aragorn*

Gimil: What? None for me?

*Two fangirls grab Gimli by the beard*

Gimliluver17: Look!!!!1 Hes so cute! lol

*Gimli hacks both their heads with an axe*

Gimli: Legolas! Two!

Legolas(shooting fangirls): I'm on 17-

Gimli: What?!

Legolas: -million.

Gimli: Another: What?!

*Aragorn tries to run away from the fangirls, not realising he is no longer on solid ground, but is over the edge of the cliff
*The law of gravity takes effect*

Aragorn: It's one of those days...

Later days! [img]smilies/cool.gif[/img]
-&gt;Elenrod

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Well, I'm back:

Aragorn Fangirls(who were still alive): waaaaaaa!!!!111 viggo dyed!!!!!1 *they all die - just because I want to, and I can [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] *

Théoden: Well, that's that, then. Let's go.

Legolas: Good call! *sees struggling fangirl* Hold on a sec.

iluvviggo3184832654891: lokk! look!!!! i got the evanstar, lol *dies*

Legolas: I'll take that. *takes the Evenstar*

Théoden: It looks better on you.

Legolas: Thanks. Let's go!

--------------------

I can't continue!!! Who's next?
-&gt;Elenrod

[Meneltarmacil]

The next scene is the refugees arriving at Helm's Deep, but I have no time to post, as I have to go to school in a minute.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Meneltarmacil: Hey, I'm in this too! After all, I've got 38 posts on this thread counting this one. After Nil's next scene is done, you can count me in! I'll use the time to come up with some good ideas to keep things moving...

And don't forget I'm the one who came up with the politicians!

NF: Oh, look. He's back. *yawns*

A million flamingoes rush at NF.

NF: Ouch. *his hand stretches upward, clutching a folder.* I've got the next part.

Menel: Finally. *grabs the folder from NF's hand.*

NF: I'm sorry it's late. An op had gone bad and . . .

Odd: Liar.

NF: What?

Menel: You spent your weekend trying to perfect your Lego army so you could beat your little brothers at Lego wars.

NF: How did you--

Odd: And after that, you watched Dante's Peak, then Roman Holiday, just to find something to post on the Mixed up Movies Game. You didn't even do your Physics homework.

NF: What--

Odd: You procrastinate so much, it isn't even funny.

NF: *cringe* . . . wait, how d'you know?

Menel: We have our sources . . . *opens the folder*
__________________

The battle continues at Helm's Deep. The army of Isengard appears to be winning. Théoden looks on from the Keep. Of course. He's a chicken.

But enough of them. Let's check the shindig . . . I mean the refugees at Aglarond.

Women: The men are away! Slumber party!

Freda: No more pizza! Mom ate 'em all!

Women: *groan*

Meanwhile . . .

Théoden: Fall back!

Many men jump from the wall. Of course, they died.

Théoden: I mean RETREAT!!!

Rohirrim: Oh.

Aragorn: Théoden's chicken! Don't retreat!

Rohirrim: Sorry. We're outta here.

Aragorn: Hmph.

He notices Haldir still fighting on top of the remnants of the Deeping Wall.

Aragorn: Haldir's alive!

Haldir was slashed in the back - stupid PJ . . .

Haldir: I knew something bad would happen to me when I join that filthy Ranger. *dies*

Aragorn: Or maybe not.

Gimli: Was that in the book?

Aragorn: No.

Gimli: Were the Elves supposed to be here?

Aragorn: Not that I know of . . . no, I guess.

Gimli: OK.

They just stand there stupidly, watching the Orcs kill all the other Elves.

Uruk 1: Non-canonical! *slash*

Elf: It's not our fault! Blame PJ! *dies*

The Uruks are using a whisk broom to break the gate.

Rohirrim: Hey, ugly! That's not the way to break a gate!

The Uruks break through the gate.

Rohirrim: Or maybe not. *an Orc shoots him*

Théoden: To the gate! Draw your swords.

Gamling: Well, this is interesting . . .

Théoden goes to the wall. An Uruk stabs him with a spear. He dies.

Gamling: Wait, this isn't how it's supposed to happen . . . *leafs through script* Hmmm . . .

Gamling pulls Théoden is back to safety.

Gamling: I'm supposed to say "I love you", but I don't. *kiss*

Théoden: Blech. *wipes his mouth* What was that for?

Gamling: Errr . . .

Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn rush up the stairs and up to the gate.

Legolas: Whew! Shield-surfing is tiring!

Gimli: You think that's tiring? Try standing around doing nothing.

Théoden:What happened to the Elves?

Aragorn: They're all dead.

Théoden: Wanna join then?

Aragorn: Sure! Gimli!

[Who needs a parody when you could have the entire "Toss me" conversation?]

Aragorn and Gimli appear outside the fortress near the top of the causeway. They look down on the Uruks fighting at the gate.

Gimli (peering around Aragorn): Ah! Come on! We can take 'em.

Aragorn: It's a long way.

Gimli checks the distance and considers his options.

Gimli: Toss me.

Aragorn: What? *arches an eyebrow*

Gimli: I cannot jump the distance, you'll have to toss me.

Aragorn reaches for him.

Gimli: Don't tell the elf.

Aragorn: Not a word. *fingers crossed*

Aragorn tosses Gimli to the causeway into the Uruks. Gimli gives a battle cry. Aragorn jumps to the causeway with a cry of his own. And no, they don't fall down.

Théoden: Let's get outta here!

Gamling: How about the gate?

Théoden: Well . . . I'll guess we'll have to fix it first.

The gate is repaired . . . with paper? Huh. Good luck.

Théoden: Gimli! Aragorn! Good bye!

He fits in a last board.

Uruk 2: What is it? What do you smell?

Uruk 3: *sniff sniff* MANPADS.

[MANPADS=Man-portable Air Defence System. The RPG, although technically an anti-tank weapon, is sometimes used against aircraft.]

Legolas: Aragorn! *throws down rope.*

An RPG is launched. Legolas looks up.

Legolas: RPG!!!™ *loses balance* Aaah!!!

Boromir emerges from the gate, and catches Legolas

Boromir: Heeere's Johnny!

Théoden: He wrecked the gate!

Gamling: Back to work, guys.

As he sets Legolas down, Boromir loses his balance. He'll be shish-kebabed by the Orcs! HE'LL BE SHISH-KEBABED BY THE ORCS!!!

The Orcs move away.

Boromir: Ouch.

Legolas: Boromir's dead! Again!

Boromir: I'm not dead!

Legolas: Boromir's dying!

Boromir: I'm perfectly fine!

The Uruks move back in place, stepping over him.

Boromir: Ow!

Aragorn: Don't worry. He'll be back in time for RotK.

Théoden: There's a moral in this scene . . . somewhere . . .

[Meneltarmacil]

*Somehow, Legolas manages to haul Aragorn and Gimli up to the top of the wall*

*Uruks start firing giant crossbow-things at the wall. One of them hits Peter Jackson as he's making a cameo appearance.*

PJ: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! You idiot! You weren't supposed to do that! How am I supposed to direct this (censored) thing when I'm DEAD?!!!

ARAGORN: Maybe you should make fewer cameo appearances.

PJ: AAAAAAAARRRGGGHH!!! *attacks Aragorn with huge battle axe*

ARAGORN: Shut up. *hits the director over the head*

PJ: *falls backward, unconscious, snapping rope attached to ladder*

URUKS ON LADDER: STUPID DIRECTORRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

URUK IN HAWAIIAN SHIRT: Cowabunga!!!

THEODEN: Aw, forget it. I think we're doomed. Yes, that's it! We're DOOMED! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

*Theoden runs like a chicken. The others stupidly follow.*

ARAGORN: Um, why are we hiding in here waiting for the orcs to kill us?

THEODEN: Because it's absolutely hopeless, we're doomed, and I'm too chicken to do anything.

GAMLING: Exactly.

ARAGORN: Well, if we're all gonna die anyway, can't we at least ride out and run over a couple hundred orcs with some cool music playing in the background?

THEODEN: No, I'm too chicken to do that. WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!!

GIMLI: The sun is rising.

THEODEN: The sun is rising? The SUN is RISING? THE SUN IS RISING?! Well, that changes everything. Let's go. Gimli, the secret weapon, please.

ARAGORN: Secret weapon?

THEODEN: You'll see.

GAMLING: Here, I recommend you take these. *hands everybody some earplugs*

*Uruks break in. Gimli runs up to the top of the tower and finds a CD player wired to some HUUUUGE speakers. He turns it on*

*Uruks fall to the floor and die from the horror of hearing ELEVATOR MUSIC at ear-splitting decibel levels* (where's the evil smily when I really need it?)

*Theoden and Co. ride out and run over many of the remaining orcs, who die just as easily*

*Gandalf, Eomer, Rohirrim show up and ride down the hill*

GANDALF: Where did all these guys come from? You only had 20 or so.

EOMER: Must be a plot hole. Pay no attention.

GANDALF: Right. Got it.

RANDOM GUY: Aaaaaaagh! *horse trips over rock*

*his horse hits the rider in front of him, who crashes into the riders in front of him, etc., and everybody falls like dominoes, crashing into the orcs who in turn fall like dominoes*

OK, all we need to do for the rest of TTT are:
Treebeard discovering half the forest is missing
Ents trashing Isengard
Frodo and Sam at Osgiliath
Gandalf's "We're doomed" speech
Final scene with Frodo, Sam and Gollum in Ithilien

Then we're on to ROTK...