If LotR had been written by someone else!?

[Hilde Bracegirdle]

Estelyn, since you have a wonderful command of English, I only wish that I could read German as well!

[Elanor]

Thank you Guinevere, for saying you like my Austen version. I'd forgotten all about this thread, I've just spent a very pleasant time rereading the entries. What a talented lot of people frequent the Downs! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Niluial]

Ha ha ha ... "rolls on flour laughing and laughing*, she stops breathing and her face turns red.... he he he that was so funny all of the stories! Yikes, that makes me think, I am glad JRR Tolkien wrote LOTR, I am REALLY glad..

[GaladrieloftheOlden]

I love the Gene Rodenberry ones!

Dear Barrow-Downers, (is that right?)

I am the webmaster of a LOTR site, "What if The Lord of the Rings had been written by someone else..." (http://www.teemings.com/extras/lotr/index.html). The project started as a thread over at the Straight Dope Message Board which ran onto about 40 or so pages, so we decided to index it for easier reading on the sister site, "Teemings." (http://www.teemings.com)

It came to my attention this morning that one of the posters there had plagerized some of the entries on this thread. Consequently, when we moved them over to the Teemings site they were attributed to the person there and not to the correct author who originally posted them over here.

Firstly I would like to offer my humble apologies for having this happen. I am currently fixing the attributions on my site and have alerted the administrators on the other MB about the plagerization.

However, since the door has been figuratively opened to a few of these posts being reprinted over there I'm wondering if anyone would have any objection to adding the wonderful posts here to the site there as well?

If anyone would like to talk to me about this privately, my e-mail is Eutychus55@cox.net.

Thanks, and once again, my most sincerest apologies.

[The Barrow-Wight]

Eutychus,

I am the chief Wight over here, and I appreciate you taking the time to give credit to the original authors of those excellent parodies. I also thank you for your kind post of explanation. As for the parodies that you find here, I think it would be great if you included them in your collection with that dandy little 1.

Unfortunately, now that I've found your collection, I have no more time to continue this post as I am too busy reading the nearly 500 entries on your list [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Mister Underhill]

Eutychus, since you're setting the record straight, looks like Fingolfin nipped my Hemingway and Mark Twain entries as well. Thanks for the heads-up.

It's hardly a matter to get steamed about, though, since these entries are virtually all shamelessly cribbed from the original authors anyhow.

[ 8:05 PM January 25, 2004: Message edited by: Mister Underhill ]

[Kalimac]

Eutychus, thank you. Feel free to put up any of my parodies that you want - my Tom Wolfe parody was nabbed by the Straight Dope poster, but if you want the others, feel free. (Odd that the Wolfe one was picked, since IMO it's the weakest one I did. Ah well, the ways of the internet are inscrutable).

Mister Underhill - you know, you're right. I doubt our feelings are anything at all compared to the horror of the original authors [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img].

Thanks again for everyone's kindness and understanding. I think I've got all of them changed now, but if anyone sees any others be sure to drop me a line. I will be adding the entries here to the site but I've still got about 20 more pages to put up from OUR site, so please be patient.

[Kransha]

Here's some styles unmentioned

The Bible! (as a mighty reader of all literature, I HAVE READ THIS)
The Book of Stewards: 5:16
And Denethor was begotten, and with Finduilas he begot Faramir, who with Eowyn begot Elboron, and Elboron begot Baragir. And Denethor, upon that of Faramir, begot Boromir. And Boromir to Rivendell went while Faramir begot some people. And Sauron smote down Elendil from the rock and fought with him a fight. And Elendil fell and begot Isildur after falling. And Isildur chained Sauron and thrust him into the Land of a Thousand Lemurs! But Isildur took the ring of the begot of the begotten of Sauron as Sauron begot Morgoth who actually begot him. And Isildur was smitten by the begotten hordes of darkness and fell, sacrificing his father and brother and some guy, and then the orcs killed all the first-born hobbits who retaliated with hobbit plaques to smite the orcs! And they all got smitten by various plagues!

and.......
Teletubbies!

Deagol: Smeagol, Oog!

Smeagol: Oogieeeeee!

Deagol: Oogie Boogie *dives into lake*

Smeagol: Daegol doogie?

Deagol: *surfacing with One Ring* WOOOOO

Smeagol: Wooo goog limi nimi?

Deagol: Noogie

Smeagol: Me wantie!

Deagol: *hoarding* Nooogo no no

Smeagol: Birthdoogiday!

Deagol: Oh, please SHUT UP!

*The two fight, Smeagol wins*

Deagol: Doogie moogie boogie dead *dies*

Smeagol: *looking at Ring* Gaa.....Gaa-gum....Gaaa-lummm.....Gaalumm....Gollum! *dances with Deagol's corpse*

Boromir: BOOOOOGIE!! *begins disco dancing*

Wow, that last one really was a travesty.

[Son of Númenor]

And Denethor was begotten, and with Finduilas he begot Faramir, who with Eowyn begot Elboron, and Elboron begot Baragir. And Denethor, upon that of Faramir, begot Boromir. And Boromir to Rivendell went while Faramir begot some people. And Sauron smote down Elendil from the rock and fought with him a fight. And Elendil fell and begot Isildur after falling. And Isildur chained Sauron and thrust him into the Land of a Thousand Lemurs! But Isildur took the ring of the begot of the begotten of Sauron as Sauron begot Morgoth who actually begot him. And Isildur was smitten by the begotten hordes of darkness and fell, sacrificing his father and brother and some guy, and then the orcs killed all the first-born hobbits who retaliated with hobbit plaques to smite the orcs! And they all got smitten by various plagues!

Kransha, that sounds eerily similar to

The sons of Hador were Galdor and Gundor; and the sons of Galdor were Húrin and Huor; and the son of Húrin was Túrin the Bane of Glaurung; and the son of Huor was Tuor, father of Eärendil the Blessed. The son of Boromir was Bregor, whose sons were Bregolas and Barahir; and the sons of Bregolas were Baragund and Belegund. The daughter of Baragund was Morwen, the mother of Túrin, and the daughter of Belegund was Rían, the mother of Tuor. But the son of Barahir was Beren One-hand, who won the love of Lúthien Thingol's daughter, and returned from the Dead; from them came Elwing the wife of Eärendil, and all the Kings of Númenor after" (The Silmarillion, "Of the Coming of Men Into the West", 173).

except for the former's extensive smiting.

This could be an excerpt from T.S. Eliot's The Lord of the Rings:

Where is the tower over the mountains
Cracks of Doom, fire streaks the smoggy air
Falling tower
Bree Imladris Moria
Morgul Orodruin
Unreal

[Rimbaud]

I know, I know. But still:

Fade in, BILBO is writing. We see his words on the page over his shoulder.


"At times one remains faithful to a Ring only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid," mumbled Gandalf moodily.

Gimli glared at him. "Oh, how tired I am of insufficiency!"

Shot moves to BILBO, talking to himself.

"It is my ambition to say in ten sentences; what others say in a whole book. "


Etc. It would have been great.

[Mister Underhill]

LotR by RAYMOND CHANDLER

An excerpt from a tale of that world-weary, hard-boiled private investigator, Philip Frodo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Book I - Chapter 13

I drove south from Overhill but I didn’t go home. At the East Road I turned east and swung out past Frogmorton, Whitfurrows, and Stock. There was nothing lonely about the trip. There never is on that road. Fast lads in stripped down buggies shot in and out of traffic streams, missing the bigger wagons by a sixteenth of an inch, but somehow always missing them. Tired Hobbits in dusty carts and carriages winced and tightened their grip on the reins and ploughed south and east towards home and dinner, an evening with the family genealogical charts, the barking of their flea-ridden dogs, the whining of their spoiled children and the gabble of their silly wives.

Behind the Bucklebury Ferry an occasional light winked from the hills. The holes of the high-class Hobbits. High-class Hobbits, phooey. The veterans of a thousand scandals. Hold it, Frodo, you’re not a Hobbit tonight.

The air got cooler. The highway narrowed. I ate dinner at a place near Rushy. Bad but quick. Feed ‘em and throw ‘em out. Lots of business. We can’t bother with you sitting over your second cup of coffee, mister. You’re using money space. See those Hobbits over there behind the rope? They want to eat. Anyway, they think they have to. Eru knows why they want to eat here. They could do better at home out of the back of the larder. They’re just restless. Like you. They have to get the wagon out and go somewhere. Sucker-bait for the racketeers that have taken over the inns. Here we go again. You’re not a Hobbit tonight, Frodo.

All right. Why would I be? I’m sitting in that Hobbit-hole, playing with a dead fly and in pops this dowdy little item from Bree and chisels me down to a shop-worn silver penny to find her brother. He sounds like a creep but she wants to find him. So with this fortune clasped to my chest, I trundle down to Bywater and the routine I go through is so tired I’m half asleep on my feet. I meet nice people, with and without daggers in their necks. I leave, and I leave myself wide-open too. Then she comes in and takes the silver penny away from me and gives me a kiss and gives it back to me because I didn’t do a full day’s work.

So I go see Aragorn son of Arathorn, retired (and how) Ranger from Lothlórien, and meet again the new style in neckwear. And I don’t tell the Shirriffs. I just frisk the customer’s toupee and put on an act. Why? Who am I cutting my throat for this time? A blonde with sexy foot-hair and too many door keys? A lass from Bree? I don’t know. All I know is that something isn’t what it seems and the old tired but always reliable hunch tells me that if the hand is played the way it is dealt the wrong person is going to lose the pot. Is that my business? Well, what is my business? Do I know? Did I ever know? Let’s not go into that. You’re not a Hobbit tonight, Frodo. Maybe I never was or ever will be. Maybe I’m an orc-spawn with a private license. Maybe we all get like this in the cold half-lit world where always the wrong thing happens and never the right.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Thanks for that glimpse of a more cynical and hard-bitten Frodo, Underhill. It now remains to be seen only how JRRT would have handled sardonic detective fiction.

Earlier on, a Middle-earth version of Blackadder was mooted. It is now possible through the magic of satire to reveal what Messrs. Curtis and Elton would have made of the great War of the Ring.

Bagadder Goes Forth Episode I, by Richard Curtis and Ben Elton. Adapted for Tolkien-vision by The Squatter of Amon Rûdh, with apologies to all parties.

SCENE ONE: BAG END

A comfortably appointed dug-out in the middle of Hobbiton. There is a general atmosphere of pipe-weed. It contains table, chair, settee, Captain Bagadder and Private Samwise Baldrick.

Bagadder is reading, but there is a tiny annoying scratching sound. He shifts slightly, trying to ignore it but finally can't.

Bagadder
Samwise, what are you doing out there?

Baldrick
I'm carving something on this Orc-arrow, sir.

That's the scratching noise

Bagadder
What are you carving?

Baldrick
I'm carving 'Samwise', sir.

Bagadder
Why?

Baldrick
It's a cunning plan, actually.

Bagadder
Of course it is.

Baldrick
You know they say that somewhere there's an arrow with your name on it?

Bagadder
Yes.

Baldrick
Well, I thought if I owned the arrow with my name on it, then I'd never get hit by it. 'Cause I won't ever shoot myself.

Bagadder
Shame.

Baldrick
And the chances of there being two arrows with my name on them are very small indeed.

Bagadder
Yes, that's not he only thing round here that's very small indeed. Your brain, for example, is so minute, Samwise, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.

Lieutenant Peregrin Took enters, with a strange parcel and a wood-cut. He is a very enthusiastic, bright-eyed and bubble-headed young officer.

Pippin
Tally-ho, pip, pip and Bernard's your uncle.

Bagadder
In Westron we say 'Good morning'.

Pippin
(Excited) Look what I've got for you, sir!

Bagadder
What?

Samwise goes back outside into the garden

Pippin
The latest issue of Thain and Shire. Damn' inspiring stuff. "The magazine that tells the Hobbits the truth about the war."

Bagadder
Or, alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since vows of non-violence were included in the Mordorian national anthem.

Pippin
Come, come, sir, you can't deny that this fine newspaper is good for the morale of the men.

Bagadder
Certainly not. I just feel that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet paper.

Pippin
Not with you at all, sir. What could any patriotic chap have against this magnificent mag?

Bagadder
Apart from his bottom?

Pippin
Yes.

Bagadder
Well, look at it. This stuff's about as convincing as Morgoth Bauglir's defence lawyer! The Shire Hobbits are all portrayed as four foot six with biceps the size of Bree.

Pippin
Exactly - thoroughly inspiring stuff. Oh, and look, sir, this also arrived for you this morning.

Pippin holds out a short sword wrapped in a brown paper bag. Bagadder unwraps it and handles it thoughtfully

Bagadder
Do you know what this is, Lieutenant?

Pippin
Why, it's a good old barrow-blade.

Bagadder
Wrong - it's a brand new barrow-blade, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it. I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Sam's rabbit stew.

Pippin
That's funny: we didn't ask for those new trench-climbing ladders either.

Bagadder
New ladders?

Pippin
Yes, sir. Came yesterday. I issued them to the Hobbits and they were absolutely thrilled.

He shouts out into the garden

Isn't that right, hobbits?

Pt. S. Baldrick appears at the window, suspiciously quickly

Baldrick
Yes, sir. First solid fuel we've had since we burned the cat, sir.

Bagadder goes out into the garden, followed by Pippin

Bagadder
Mmm - something's going on, and I think I can make an educated guess what it is - something which you, Pippin, would find hard to do.

Pippin
True. When I was at school, education could go hang as long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school song very loud and take a hot crumpet from behind without blubbing.

Bagadder
Yes. I, on the other hand, am a fully rounded Elf-friend, with a degree from the University of Life, a diploma from the school of hard knocks and three gold stars from the kindergarten of getting the stuffing kicked out of me. And my instincts lead me to believe that we are at last about to go over the top.

Pippin
Great Scott, sir! You don't mean that the moment's finally arrived to give Harry Uruk a darn good Tookland-style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?

Bagadder
If you mean 'Are we all going to get killed?', yes. Clearly Field Marshal Gandalf is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his tobacco jar six inches closer to Barad-dûr.

[Lobelia]

I love it! And I've read many of the authors mimicked here.

For the record, in reply to a question part way down: Bagenders" is a reference to long-running British soap "Eastenders". The name "Bagenders", by the way, was used in a LOTR fanzine some years ago, so someone had the idea back in the 80s, I think.

[Galadriel]

HAHAHAHA! P.G. Wodehouse?? HAHAHAHA! He's one of my favourites buuut...
Nay, I think 'tis best left to Tolkien!

Oh Lord, imagine if Stephenie Meyer wrote LotR!
"There was also an Elf wearing green and brown. His name was Legolas, I think. He was a messenger from his father, Thranduil, the King of Mirkwood. It was hard to determine who was more beautiful: the rugged ranger Aragorn, or the Elf."
"I gasped. Lothlorien was so beautiful. Everything seemed so bright: the flowers swayed in the breeze and the trees shimmered in gold and silver. It wasn't fair. Why was EVERYTHING in Lothlorien so perfect?"
Haha, what an epic fail!

[Orofarne]

1] is Bella running around in Middle Earth? and
2] if so,how come no one has killed her yet?

[Galadriel]

Originally Posted by Orofarne

1] is Bella running around in Middle Earth? and
2] if so,how come no one has killed her yet?

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if Gimli just cut off her head. She is incredibly annoying

[Archaic Elf]

The versions by James Joyce and PG Wodehouse are the best in the original post. I would probably read one or the other if there were legitimate parodies. I've never read Wodehouse, but that just looked to be so funny. The version by Raymond Chandler also looked good. I'm into old 1930s mobster films, and that reads like one.

I haven't finished reading the whole thread yet, but a version by William Blake would be cool to read. It would be pretty hard to figure out the symbolism, but he would bring a new found intensity to the novels.

What a cool thread.

[Pitchwife]

Originally Posted by Archaic Elf

a version by William Blake would be cool to read. It would be pretty hard to figure out the symbolism

Yeah to both! Especially the ambiguity of Orc. On a slightly more serious note, I could imagine a Blakeish Silmarillion, mapping the Zoas onto the Valar or vice versa - Aulë would obviously be Urthona/Los, while Luvah/Orc would have to be something like Tulkas and Melkor rolled into one; and then it gets complicated.

But what about this for starters?

Did Elven feet in ancient times
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And were the holy fairy folk
On England's pleasant pastures seen?

And did the light of Valinor
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Cortirion builded here
Among these dark Mordorian mills?

Bring me my pen of silver bright;
Bring me my notebooks of desire;
Bring me my inkpot dark as night;
Bring me my typewriter of fire!

I will not cease to subcreate
Nor shall my pen sleep in my hand
Till I've rebuilt Cortirion
In England's green & pleasant land.

[damonbutler11]

Wow brilliant really, I dont know what to say...

Dr. Suess : I will not eat them Samwise I am, I will not eat Suaron's ring with ham! I will not eat them in the morn, I will not eat them with Boromir's horn! I will not eat them with a Ringwraith, I will not eat them in the bath! I will not eat them Samwise I am, I will not Suaron's ring with ham.

[Galadriel]

Originally Posted by damonbutler11

Wow brilliant really, I dont know what to say...

Dr. Suess : I will not eat them Samwise I am, I will not eat Suaron's ring with ham! I will not eat them in the morn, I will not eat them with Boromir's horn! I will not eat them with a Ringwraith, I will not eat them in the bath! I will not eat them Samwise I am, I will not Suaron's ring with ham.

It's Sauron. And this is funny.

[morwen edhelwen]

Wow brilliant really, I dont know what to say...

Were you talking about my LOTR-in-the-style-of-That-70s-Show? If so, thanks! I LOVE that show! Hey, anyone want to read another "That Third Age show"?