Middle Earth Answering Machine Messages

[Kalimac]

Diamond - love the Faramir one [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]. I don't think I appreciated Faramir too much when I first read the book, but now that I'm grown up he's definitely in the first rank of favorites. (A guy who's sensitive, intelligent, understanding, handsome AND employed! It's too much! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]).

Time to give some of the minor characters their due:

Ghan-buri-Ghan: "Hello. This Ghan-buri-Ghan. I not sure how use thing here, I plain wild man, only hunt, kill Orc-folk. Not understand this magic. If magic work, leave message at noise! Then kill Orc-folk! This Ghan-buri-Ghan."

Ioreth: "Hello, you've reached Ioreth, herb mistress and keeper of the medicines for Pavilions A, B and E of the Government Houses of Healing. I'm not available right now, in fact I've just been run off my feet with all the excitement going on here, there have been so many brought in for healing that I've hardly even gotten a chance to be in my office for night on two weeks now, especially after those strange men came in the other night. Would you believe it, one of them was a Wizard - Mithrandir himself, though he was so polite you'd have thought he wasn't anybody, and a strange man who looked so grim that I was terrified, but he had the hands of a healer if ever I saw them. All the girls laughed at me because I told them about the healing hands and kingsfoil; well, they're not laughing this morning, I can tell you that. Last night the strange man and Mithrandir asked for kingsfoil, of all things - of course I didn't have it, but I knew where to get it if only there'd been time. And I remembered what they used to say about the King being able to heal with that herb - do you know, I'm sure the stranger is the King returned, and I'm sure I told the girls so! Nobody took it seriously of course, but I did. And Mithrandir said to me, "Ioreth, men will long remember your words," and I just -"

[BEEEEEEP].

Wormtongue: "Hello, this is Wormtongue's voicemail. I'm afraid I'm busy right now - in fact, why do you think I'd rather be taking your call than dancing attendance on His Most Worshipful Highness King Theoden? Shame on you for even thinking it. Leave me a message and I'll return it at His Highness's convenience. If this is, uh, someone I'm sending deliveries to, I sent the last - shipment - two days ago by Post Haste express, you should be receiving it by Thursday. I hope the - materials - are satisfactory. If this is a certain King's niece - I just want to say that I'm as devoted to your welfare as I am to his. Please do leave a message, and we'll talk some more later."

[Arwen Melian]

You really got the last three characters personalities precisely. It's really funny how you imitated Ioreth and Ghan-buri-Ghan.
Especially Ioreth and how she talks too much! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Tanraugwen Greenleaf]

Legolas: Hello, I'm not home right now. Probably off dealing with orcs. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Oh, yeah I DON'T CALL FANGIRLS! Beeeeep
[img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Diamond18]

Why thank you Kalimac (yes, that Faramir is a great guy *swoon* ) I liked all your messages, as always! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

(Bergil): "Hi, this is Bergil! I am ten years already, and shall soon be five feet. How tall are you? How old are you? I'll bet that I could stand you on your head or lay you on your back! And I bet that my dad could beat up your dad, too! Anyway, leave a message after the beep."

[Arwen Melian]

That was great,make one more about pippin please.I know I ask too much... sigh [img]smilies/frown.gif[/img]

[Diamond18]

(Pippin): "Hello, this is Peregrin Took, but you can call me Pippin. I'm away from the phone right now. If you want to call me a Fool of a Took or insult me in any other way, press one and wait to see what happens (don't take the phone away from your ear, okay? It'll ruin the effect...) If you have already pressed one, and would like to know where a good doctor can be found, press two. If you have already pressed one and would like to sue me, press three...and wait to see what happens. If you have already pressed three, please press two."

[Arwen Melian]

Hahahahahahh! I love it! Pippin is so funny.
And yes I think I'll call Pippin to see if I'll go deaf after calling him a fool of a Took!

Gollum: We cannot reach the phone now, no not now...BECAUSE OF BAGGINSSS!! Yes we hates the baggins dont we...yessss. The baggins stole the precious. We swore on the precious, and Smeagol was good, but no...Baggins lost my birthday present. Fisssssshhhhh...BEEP

[Arwen Melian]

That's scary my preciousssssss.

[Mintyztwin]

Hmm . . . this is slightly difficult. Lemme think.

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins: [Pre-LotR] You have reached the home of the Sackville-Bagginses. If this is Bilbo, I don't know anything about your spoons, and if you had been dead like you were supposed to be, You wouldn't know anything about them either! If this is Frodo, you don't deserve Bag-End, you little upstart! You were a nothing until that ridiculous Baggins took you in! And in any case, I'm not speaking to either of you! So don't leave a message! *beep*

[After Frodo left the Shire] You have reached Bag End the home of the Sackville-Bagginses. At last! If you have called for a tour of Bag End please press one. If you would like to come admire my silver spoons, press two. If you are Frodo or Bilbo I don't want to hear from you, and you are never getting Bag End back!*beep*

Okay. That's kinda . . . yeah. Lame. That pretty much sums it up!

[ November 04, 2002: Message edited by: Mintyztwin ]

[Arwen Melian]

Thats funny and so true.
P.S. Don't you just hat Lobelia [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

[Kalimac]

Diamond - cool! Yes, I'm starting to wonder if I won't become a Faramir Fangirl when TTT comes out - guess I won't be able to smile at the Legolas-lovers anymore, hmm? (Though since I'm married to a quite Faramir-like guy, albeit he's as skinny as Legolas, I'll be restrained about the movie version for his sake [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]).

I don't think anyone's done this yet:

"This is Hamfast Gamgee. Call me Ham if ye like, or just do like all those little whippersnappers and call me the Gaffer, I'm more used to it anyway. I don't rightly hold with this newfangled machinery - what's the point of leavin' someone a little message when ye could just walk a mile or two and visit face-to-face, like honest folk? What are you afraid of, that you have to slip in all silent-like and talk to a bit of machinery instead of telling me something face to face?

Anyway, that's summat else. If ye really can't visit, leave a message and I'll return it personally by coming over to your place for a bite and a visit. If this is my son Sam, let me know where you are if the dragons haven't et ye yet - and remember, as soon as ye come home I'll have your hide for not sending news more regular. If this is young Sandyman, go away, you're not wanted around here. [pause] Marigold, how do I stop this contraption?"

[Nevfeniel]

Heh, that last part made me laugh out loud.

[Mintyztwin]

Hah! That last bit WAS great! It reminded me of some people I know! [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[Diamond18]

Yup, Kalimac, when I see Faramir pics sometimes I feel my devotion to Pippin slipping. But don't tell anyone! [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

(Lonely Mountain): "This is the lair of Smaug the Dragon. My armour is like tenfold shields, my teeth are swords, my claws spears, the shock of my tail a thunderbolt, my wings a hurricane, and my breath death! After the sound of the ground-shaking roar, please leave your name, aliases, phone number, home address, and an inventory list of all you valuables, plus the blueprints of all the doors in your home. Good day to you."

[ November 05, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Mintyztwin]

Niccccccccce. Very niccccce, my precccccioussssssss. We likesss the partssss about the dragonsessssss, yersssssssss.

Bombur: This is Bombur the dwarf. I am asleep, trying to dream about a lovely feast I was having in Mirkwood, until Thorin and co. woke me. It was a lovely dream, delicious food, and singing and danceing, and food, and I am asleep, trying to dream it again. Leave a message quietly after the beep so you do not wake me up. *beep*

Okie, that was a little . . . yeah. I'm hungry. [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]

[Arwen Melian]

You're hungry? Oh no! You're turning into a hobbit. I really liked the Hamfast one, and the lonely mountain and Bombur messages were cool. You people have great imaginations. Stop impressing me. For once will someone make a lame message?
I'm just kidding, keep up the good work. But leave me some characters that I could make a message for. So far I can think of none since all of the good ideas were used.

[Diamond18]

[Dial tone]

Chirpy voice: "Operator."

"Hi, I need to reach Elbereth Gilthoniel in Valinor. It's an emergency."

"Please insert 50¢ into the slot and I will be happy to place your call."

"Um, I'm sorry, this isn't a pay phone."

"Please insert 50¢ and I will be happy to place your call."

"No, you don't understand, I'm on a cell-phone. There is no slot..."

"Sir, if you will just insert the 50¢ I will be happy to—"

"Listen! I'm about to be mugged by a group of men in black cloaks...it's an EMERGENCY. Place the !@#$ call!"

"Profanity. Automatic disconect." *beep*

[Seconds later]

*plink, plink*

Deep, calm voice: "Elbereth Gilthoniel, please."

"Mr. Baggins, I know two quarters dropped in a jelly jar when I hear it." *beep*

Okay, that was really lame. It was a scene from "Funny Farm". Forgive me.

[ November 08, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Lostgaeriel]

The voice-mail of BARLIMAN BUTTERBUR:

Welcome to The Prancing Pony—the Inn of Bree—Reservation & Concierge Services.
If you would like information about our guest facilities, press 1.
If you wish to make room reservations, press 2.
If you are a guest requiring concierge service, press 3.

[Press 1]

The Prancing Pony Inn is conveniently located in the quaint village of Bree, just off the East-West Road, approximately two week’s ride west of The Last Bridge (by the scenic route) and one day’s ride east of The Shire.

We offer comfortable man-sized suites for Men, Elves and Dwarves and cosy ground floor rooms for Hobbits. Ample stabling facilities are available. We have a large atmospheric common room, ideal for parties, conferences, story-telling, sing-alongs, dancing, magic acts, etc. Or if you prefer a quiet supper with friends, we have some nice little parlours. Our kitchen offers good plain food—very homelike. Our beer is always good—even the King says so.

Ask about our off-season room rates during of The War of the Ring.

If you would like information about Bree-land and nearby tourist attractions, press 1.
If you wish to make room reservations, press 2.

[Press 1]

As the home of the descendents of the first Men that ever wandered into the West of the middle-world and the centre of the oldest hobbit settlement in the world, Bree offers tourists a unique opportunity to experience life in a dual-cultural community. And with a steady stream of Elf and Dwarf travellers passing through, Bree is probably the most cosmopolitan locale in Middle-earth.

For those seeking a wilderness adventure excursion, there are many Ranger-guided tours through the nearby wilds, including The Old Forest, The Weather Hills and Midgewater. Those interested in sorcery, architecture, ancient history, anthropology or archaeology may wish to visit the Barrow Downs or Fornost or the ruins of Amon Sûl. If you are interested in any of these tours, please press 1.

Note that we can no longer offer river-rafting on the Bruinen; Imladris Tours now has the exclusive rights. We will be happy to put you in touch with them. Just press 0 for assistance from the operator.

If you wish to make room reservations, press 2.

[Press 2]

The Innkeeper will be with you eventually. Please have ready your credit card information.
...
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us.
...
In order to make the stay of all our guests pleasant and comfortable, we do have some rules at The Prancing Pony that we ask you to observe. …
Check-in is any time after four o’clock. …
Check-out is no later than eleven o’clock. …
All accounts are payable in full at check-out time. …
Any damage to pillows, bolsters, mats, etc. will be charged to your room account. …
In the common room we have a strict policy of ‘No shirt, no shoes, no substantial shape—no service’. This policy is not to be understood as discrimination against Black Riders; it is in accordance with the local health and safety code. Only hobbits are excused from the no-shoes policy, as bare feet are a custom of their culture.
...
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us.
... [While on hold, one can hear a recording of Frodo singing Bilbo’s song about the merry old inn.] ...
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us. The Innkeeper will be with you eventually.
... [The song about the inn continues.] ...
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us. The Innkeeper will be with you eventually.
... [A second time through the same song.] ...
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us. The Innkeeper will be with you eventually.
... [And again.] ...
Please hold the line. Your call is important to us. The Innkeeper will be with you eventually.
... [And again.] ...

[Press 3]


If you want Room Service, press 1 and Nob will come. If he doesn’t come, press 1 and shout.

If you need to hire horses or ponies to points East or West, North or South, please contact our Transportation Specialist, Bob, at extension 262 (B-O-B).

If you would like to use our Expedited Messenger Service to send a package or letter, press 2.

[ November 10, 2002: Message edited by: Lostgaeriel ]

[ColletteTook]

Hehe! here Bag-End after the WOTR and after Frodo leaves to the Grey Havens.

Sam: Hello! You've reached the Gamgees! To leave a message for me, press one! to leave a message for Rosie, press two! to leave a message for little Elanor, press 3! to leave a message for little Frodo,press 4! to leave a message for little Rose, press 5! to leave a message for little Merry, press 6! to leave a message for little Pippin, press 7! to leave a message for little Goldilocks press 8! to leave a message for Hamfast (panting) press...(pant) 8! To leave a message for (Pant) Daisy (Pant) press..er..9. To leave a (pant) message to (pant) Primrose, press 10. (Pant) to leave a message for little Bilbo, pres (pant,pant) 11. To leave a message (pant) to (pant) litlle (Pant).....Ruby, press...(pant)12. to leave a (pant) message for Robin, press.....(pant) 13...to (pant) leave (pant) a message to little Tolman, press 14.....and press 15 if you want to ask or tell me WHY IN ERU DID I HAVE SO MANY CHILDREN, PLEASE DO SO BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW!

[Thengise Greenleaf of Mirkwood]

LOL! That's hilarious Collette! BTW I was wondering the same question. Hmm.........

[Mintyztwin]

Why did he have so many kids? I can answer that! 'Cause the world can always use more hobbits!

BTW GREAT message! Lol!

[Lindril Arvilya]

"Frodo here. I'm terribly sorry, but I can't reach the phone right now. Please leave a message while I get Sam to fetch the ladder."

[Arwen Melian]

Ha!

[Mintyztwin]

*Chortles happily* That was great! Okay, I got one!

Shelob: *skittering noises* *Heavy breathing* *drip* *drip* *faint slapping sounds* Yeeeeeeersssssssss. You have reached Her. She will help usss yersssss. We will get the precioussss back, and She will eat. Yerrrsssss. All wayssssss are watched Precioussssss. But this way is safe, yerssssss. We will lead you, preciousssss. Yersssss. *more skittering sounds* BEEP

It's hard to make a message for something that won't talk!

[Lindril Arvilya]

Here's a different one for Shelob, thought of this in the car on the way home:
"(No Doubt starts playing) Sorry I'm not home right now, walking in a spiderweb, but leave a message and I'll call you back.... (guitar solo)"

[ November 11, 2002: Message edited by: Lindril Arvilya ]

[bombur]

(Valinor phone central) : This is the recorded voicemail by the herald Eonwe. If your business concerns rings, Sauron, manners of wizards or anything else of middle earthern origin please dial 555-Isengard instead. If you were trying to reeach a friend, mentor or relative on an issue of social nature then be informed you that due to our continents removal from the world, the phone number you tried to reach has turned into irrationalnumber. To reach any of the valar or vanayar please rotate your telephone 180 degrees and redial. BEEEEEP

(Mordor phone central) : If you have information concerning the little sentimental memento lord Sauron has been asking about, please press 1 and wait for nazgul to arrive. If this is a crank call, please dial 1 and wait for nazgul to arrive. If your business concerns war or diplomacy, please dial 1 and wait for nazgul to arrive. If you wish to grovel, please leave your whinings on a tape, lord Sauron likes to listen to the tapes while he is bathing. And remember kids, being evil does not mean you have to make sense.... BEEEEEP

[Lindril Arvilya]

I liked the Mordor one.

[Mintyztwin]

Great job on the Mordor one, Bombur! That was great!

Quickbeam: Hello, you have reached Quickbeam, the hasty Ent. I am not here right now, but morning for my rowan trees. If you happen to see any orcs that may have cut down my rowan trees, please leave a message and I will be right over. *BEEP*

[Arwen Melian]

QUOTE-"AND WAIT FOR THE NAZGUL TO ARRIVE."

HAHA- i LOVE IT!

[Melephelwen]

They're all great, but I think the one with he Prancing Pony was really really really great!!! ROFL!!!

[Mintyztwin]

yeah! The prancing pony was awesome! I really don't feel like my humble messages are up to that standard! [img]smilies/frown.gif[/img] Ah well. If at first you don't succed, try, try agian!

Elrond's Sons [I can't remember their names and I can't find my book! But Diamond told me! Yay!]:

"You have reached Elrohir and Elladan. We are not in now, we are probably out fighting Orcs to avenge our mother. If this is a beautiful girl elf, yes, we are brave and handsome! Please leave your name and phone number after the beep. If you would like to hear a personal message, wait for instructions. If this is Aragorn, press 1. If this is Arwen, press 2. If this is Dad, press 3.

*press 1*
Hi Aragorn. Yes, we delivered your message to Arwen, and she hasn't changed her mind. In fact, she made you something. We'll be catching up with you later, and will drop it off for ya'. See ya soon!

*press 2*
Arwen, how are you, little sis? Is Aunt Gallie treating you nicely? Oh, and if that jerk Haldir is still annoying you, just tell us the word, and we'll wipe that smug look of his face. Aragorn's the man! No we haven't forgotten your package for Aragorn, yes, we'll deliver it as soon as we see him. By the way, Dad is still mad, and you owe us big. Imagine, two big strong elves like us playing deliveryboy. See ya' soon sis.

*press 3*
Hey Dad! No, we don't know where Arwen is, but if we see her we'll try to talk her out of this crazy "marrying a mortal" sceme. Y'know that Aragorn is taking on all the forces of evil. Pretty impressive for a mortal! We might drop by and give him a hand, no sense in letting Middle Earth go to Sauron, right Dad? So, see ya soon, and don't worry about the whole Arwen/Aragorn thing. It'll work out in the end."

Okay, I don't have anything against Haldir, he's just the only Lothlorien elf I could remember at the moment, and in the movie he was pretty . . .proud. Also, the Arwen message is based on my brother's attitude toward me, so if it doesn't fit "two strong elves" sorry! I liked it! [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img] [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[ November 14, 2002: Message edited by: Mintyztwin ]

[Diamond18]

Elrohir and Elladan.

That was good, BTW, Mintyztwin. Those duplicitous guys...!

I haven't been able to think up any in ages! Pity me.

[Mintyztwin]

Poor Diamond. I pity you. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] Thanks so much for their names! I'll just go fix that . . . Heh heh . . .

[Aralaithiel]

First off, let me say that you guys are good! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]
Now then, if you don't mind, here's one from my fan fic...
Queen Nárëlindalë Aralaithiel's answering machine
"Hello, you have called the realm of Nárëlindalë Aralaithiel, High Queen of the Eldar. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please hang up and try your call again. To complain about how I talk with my beloved Legolas, press 1. To complain about my illegitimate heritage, press 2 and discuss it with my father Lord Elrond. To report alleged mistreatment of my horses, press 3 and Haldir my SPCA rep will be happy to assist you. To request a song from my minstrels, press 4. To bestow upon me praise & adoration, press 5. To speak with me directly, press 1,2,3,4,5,6,7, and 8 simultaneously, and maybe I'll answer.
To end this call, hang up the phone.
Thank you for calling! Námarië!

[Sapphire_Flame]

I came up with this when I was IM-ing my friend the other day...
Saruman looks into the palantir and gets Sauron's call waiting:

"The Lord of Barad-dur is currently out destroying other civilizations and is unable to answer. To request an army, press one. To report palantir problems or theft, press two. To report information about the search for the halfling that has MY RING!!, press 3. If you are Saruman calling to whine about not having a ring of your own, press 9 and a representative will be sent out immediately to deal with you.

[Max]

Legolas:

"Hello you have reached the residence of the prettiest elf in Mirwood. If you think I'm delicious press 1. If you think I'm graceful press 2. If you think I'm pretty press 4. If you think I'm poised press 5. If you find my nacying about cute press 6. If you think I'm rugged and manly you have dialed the wrong number and may press 7 to be transfered to Aragron. If you were attempting to reach Lothlorien press 3 to be transfered. If you were shooting for Rivendell press 9. If you want to repeat this list press 0. If you want to talk to me please stay on the line.

A depress Legolas sits in his room wondering why no one ever stays on the line to talk to him.

Maxdout

[Max]

Frodo:

"Frodo Baggins of Bag-end here. I'm not availible to take you call as a case of sevre angst has gripped me. Please leave a message so that when this period of hardship in my life passes I know I have friend that will be there for me. I you are trying to reach Samwise Gamgee, that nasty rumor anout us is not true."

Gladriel:

"Greetings friend of elf, you have reached to phone of Gladriel of Lothlorien. If you are looking for a mirror viewing appointment press 1. If you simply want to fawn over me press 2. If you are attempting to get in touch with Celeborn, he has no social life so feel free to hang up now.

Elrond:

"This is Elrond of Rivendell. If you are calling in regards to the secret meeting being held the 21st at 4pm at my council press 1. If you are looking for advice my answer is both yes and no. If you simply wish to speak with me, forget it, I am an unattainble lord of Rivendell and cannot triffle with such mortals."

The end of Elrond kind of sucks, but its 1:05 am. I'm going to bed.

Maxdout

[Mintyztwin]

Celeborn:

"You have reached the LORD of Lothlorien. I am the one in charge here. Galadriel said so. If you would like to visit our beautiful golden wood, please call Haldir at 4LO-RIEN, he takes care of our guests. If this is Gandalf, please call my beeper. I really want to talk to you. Otherwise, please leave a message after the beep. I am in charge here. Galadriel said so." *beep*

[Arwen Melian]

Truly...i love this thread, and you people have such good ideas( sigh...I started this and never wrote one of my own..) Keep up the good work...can someone do Tom Bombadil?