New Movie Script

[Sleepy Ranger]

Then we're on to ROTK...

And I bagged the WK death scene...

[Oddwen]

Thank you once again, Elennar!

DISCLAIMER: Peace, Oddie-Woddie Poo.

Nilpescence of Fegalunsia: "We will have peace," said Oddwen at last thickly and with an effort. Several of the Downers cried out gladly. Oddwen held up her hand. "Yes, we will have peace," she said now in a clear voice, "We will have peace when you and all your works have perished - and the works of your dark master to whom you would deliver us. You are a liar, Nilp, and a corrupter of men's hearts."

"No, no! What am I saying? I have been dreaming."

Seriously, Menel, Sleepy and Nilp good jobs! My attention was especially drawn to this paragraph:

Merry: I've wanted to kill someone - or something - ever since I was a wee little kid. Now the chance comes, and you won't help me? You must help me. Please! You must do something.

Treebeard: You are crazy, Master Merry. I think you need to see a friend of mine. His name's Strate Jacquet.

HA HA HAAAAAA!!! HAHAHAAHAAAhem. Sorry, bloodlust finds me rolling on the floor. And then I got the image of Merry and the m-16...oh that's priceless. Hee hee...

Anyway. Good jobs, keep 'em up! Gotta go!

[Oddwen]

I can't believe I forgot about this...I wrote it for a really dumb fic a while back. It fits somewhere after Aragorn falls off the cliff/before Elrond and Arwen have their talk in TTT.

***(***

Arwen: What have you been doing?

*Flashback to Elrond standing in front of a tub of water. In his hand is a little Aragorn doll. Elrond sticks a pin in the doll and drops it into the water*

Elrond: Nothing.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

So hang on.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Nilpescence of Fegalunsia: "We will have peace," said Oddwen at last thickly and with an effort. Several of the Downers cried out gladly. Oddwen held up her hand. "Yes, we will have peace," she said now in a clear voice, "We will have peace when you and all your works have perished - and the works of your dark master to whom you would deliver us. You are a liar, Nilp, and a corrupter of men's hearts."

"No, no! What am I saying? I have been dreaming."

"Oddwen, Oddwen!" cried Nilpaurion amidst his tears. But she opened her eyes and said: "Nilpaurion! What joy is this? For they said that you would not post. Nay, but that was only the dark voices in my dream. How long have I been dreaming?"
"Not long, fellow Downer," said Nilpaurion. "But think no more on it! Here is my post."
__________________

Faramir and Company enter the ruins, and they see two Tiger tanks approaching from the other side of the bridge. One of the Gondorian soldier is aiming a bazooka . . . uhhh . . . Sorry, wrong film. OK, so the bunch of weirdos enter Osgiliath.

Faramir: This isn't Osgiliath . . .

They hear a faint voice from the West, crying, "Hey! That's my line!"

Soldier 1: *ignores the voice from the West* The words of Boromir the Dazed . . . may his fëa rest in piece . . .

Frodo: Boromir's dead?!

Faramir: Yes. Haven't I told you back at Henneth Annûn?

Frodo: Uhhh . . . no?!

Faramir: OK. So now you know.

Frodo: Yee . . . ummm . . . Dead? How?! When!?!

Faramir: Shouldn't this have happened earlier?

Madril appears.

Madril: Faramir! SS reinforcements have taken the eastern shore, supported by panzers and artillery. Their numbers are too great. By nightfall we'll be overrun.

I really am in the wrong film . . .

Readers: A-hem!

Oh . . . Frodo begins to breath heavily. This causes Sam concern.

Sam: Frodo?

Frodo: It's calling to him, Sam. His eye is almost on me . . . AAAH!!! The mascara! Too much! Too much!!!

Sam: Hold on, Mr. Frodo.

A whomp-whomp noise begins to drown him out. Frodo strains to hear him.

Sam: You'll be all right . . . (to self) Or maybe not . . .

Sam continues to speak but his voice fades away and we can only see his lips moving. OK, someone pressed the mute. Look for the remote.

Here!

No, that's my phone!

I found it! *presses mute* The sound returns to normal for us, but the whomp-whomp sound can still be heard in the background. (to crew) HEY! Tell that chopper to buzz off! We're filming here!

Faramir: *pushes Frodo and Sam* Take them to my father.

Another faint voice can be heard, this time from the North. A feminine voice, saying "I told you so . . . "

Faramir(shouts back to the North): It's your fault, Galadriel! You called me big-nosed! My feelings were hurt, y'know?!

Soldiers: *stops when Faramir turns back to them*

Faramir: Tell him his big-nosed son sends a mighty gift. A weapon that will change our fortunes in this war.

Sam and Frodo are turned over to Madril and his men. Sam jerks free and confronts Faramir.

Sam: You wanna know what happened to Boromir? You wanna know why your brother died?

Faramir: Uh . . . Orcs killed him?

Sam: Oh. Just asking.

Soldier 2: Watch out!

An missile crumbles a tower. The whomp-whomp sound approaches the city. Frodo looks up and his eyes roll back in his head. That kid’s plain weird. No wonder Gandalf set him off to Mordor.

Sam: Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: They're here. They've come.

Sam:

A Nazgûl screeches overhead.

Faramir: NAZGÛL!!!



So that’s what the chopper was for.

Readers: *glower*

Uh . . . Everyone runs for cover. Duh. Who wants to be in the open against an attack helicopter. Faramir places Frodo and then Sam against a wall. Wait, where’s Gollum.

Madril: There you are. *grabs Gollum and pushes him against another wall*

Faramir: Stay here. Keep out of sight.

He leaves them and calls to his men.

Faramir: Take cover! That thing’s got a loudspeaker!

Nazgûl: Vote for Sauron 3019! Oh, and give us back the porcelain cow!
__________________

Oh, and can I have the Nazgûl vs. Eagles fight?

[Oddwen]

"Oddwen, Oddwen!" cried Nilpaurion amidst his tears. But she opened her eyes and said: "Nilpaurion! What joy is this? For they said that you would not post. Nay, but that was only the dark voices in my dream. How long have I been dreaming?"
"Not long, fellow Downer," said Nilpaurion. "But think no more on it! Here is my post."

'Nilpaurion, Nilpaurion!' said Oddwen still laughing. 'Nilpaurion, you missed your path in life. You should have been the BW's jester and earned your reputation, and PT too, by parodying his favorite books. Ah me!' she paused, getting the better of her mirth. 'Understand one another? I fear I am beyond your comprehension.'

__________________________

Scene: Treebeard is escorting Pippin and Merry through the forest.

Treebeard: ...Then there was this family of fieldmice who used to climb up into every crack and crevice, and they'd crunch something awful when I moved, and then there was the problems with the bloodstains and let me tell you I got in trouble with Fimbrethil for that! And...*gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaspooooooooooooooommmmm mm!!*

Pip: Zzz...snork...wha?

Tree: The forest! It's been razed to the ground!

Merry: Raised to the ground? Isn't that an oxymoron?

TB: What? No, RAZED. But this is no time for a spelling lesson!

Pip: Why not?

TB: Don't waste my time! Saruman must PAY for this treachery! *HOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!*

Pip*rubbing his ears*: Boy, that'll do it! Come on Merry, let's go home!

*TB picks up Pippin from his perch and drop-kicks him towards Isengard. A moment later he appears back in the ent's branches with a puzzled look on his face*

Pippin*points*: Look! The trees are moving!

TB: They have business with the orcs. But my business is with Isengard tonight. With rock and stone!

Merry: And next with Pippin! Whose head is made of rock and stone!

*Merry & TB roar with laughter. Pippin looks oblivious*

*Other ents start to feebly totter out of the forest on their ancient legs. They blink in the sunlight and grumble*

Merry: Alright! A bunch of old fogey trees and a couple of halflings are storming the impenetrable fortress of a great and mighty wizard! There's gonna be bloodshed tonight! *mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA...*

*thump!*

TB: Okay, that's enough. It's time to reintroduce you to my friend, Jaque Strape.

Pip: Jaque who?

TB: Oops, wrong friend.

____________________________

Hmm. Hee hee. Hmm. Gonna go 'board with my brother. Gnarly, dude.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

'Nilpaurion, Nilpaurion!' said Oddwen still laughing. 'Nilpaurion, you missed your path in life. You should have been the BW's jester and earned your reputation, and PT too, by parodying his favorite books. Ah me!' she paused, getting the better of her mirth. 'Understand one another? I fear I am beyond your comprehension.'

Ascended Finrod's son and heir.
With dreadful voice he uttered there:
'Be you friend or foe, or just a guest
Of Barrowdowns, or on a quest
To parody the film three-part
Of Gandalf's journey in a cart,
Neither law nor love nor court order
Forbidding me to come hither
May save you, if you daring call
Me clown, or wit, or jester tall,
From being proven ever false:
See my next post, see how it galls!'
__________________

The Ents were breaking the wall. Treebeard picks up four Orcs, moulds them into a ball, then throws it at Isengard.

Merry: Hit! Has anyone ever said you rock?

Treebeard: Not since the Sillmarillion.

Some half-orcs, quarter-orcs, and 9/16th-orcs appear. Merry kills them with his M-16.

Merry: Oh, yeah! Darling, where have you been all my life?

M-16: In your bag . . . with your pipeweed . . . teeheeheeheehee! HAWHAWHAWHAWHAW!!! *rapid fire*

Merry: Hey chill, dude. Look, you're out of rounds.

M-16: Awww . . .

Some Calico-orcs* and Sheep-orcs** appear.
* Calico-orcs = Orcs + Tortoiseshell Cats.
** Sheep-orcs = Orcs + Sheepdogs.

Treebeard: Uh-oh. We're out of rocks.

Pippin: Me! Throw me!

Treebeard: ???

Treebeard shrugs his shoulders, picks Pippin up and throws him at the Pet-orcs. The Orcs are squashed. Pippin appears back unharmed in Treebeard's branches.

Treebeard: Wow. Uber-cretin, dude.

Pippin: Yep. That's me. Cretin. Whatever that is.

Merry and Treebeard roar with laughter. Pippin looks stumped.

Meanwhile . . .

Drunkroot: I'm stiff. I need a stiff drink. Bring out the beer!

Dogbark: OK, OK. *breaks dam open*

Drunkroot: This ain't beer, duuuuuu . . . *is swept away by the river*

Up in Orthanc . . .

Saruman (in multicoloured PJs): *yaw . . . Agh! Many weird tree people and two weird small people are attacking my impenetrable fortress! Gríma! Bring out the Dy-no-mite!

Gríma: Coming, boss-Maia. *trips, Dy-no-mite falls on a candle* Oops . . .

Orthanc: KA-BOOOOOOOM!!!!!

Ents: Whoa! Massive shockwave!

And thus, Saruman and Wormtongue were not in RotK. Good night.

[Oddwen]

This is you. " " This is you after reading Nilp's post. " ". Oh wait...that is Nilp. My mistake.

~*~*~*~*~*~* Scene: Osgiliath *~*~*~*~*~*~

Nazgul: Vote for Sauron 3019! Oh, and give us back the Porcelain Cow!

*Frodo, in his dazed state, takes this opportunity to leave the corner where he had been put for a "Time Out", and starts climbing the very dangerous ruins for a closer look at the chopper*

Faramir: They want the Porcelain Cow! They can have it when they pry it from our cold dead fingers. For Gondor!!!

*There is a furious volley of puny arrows towards the massive choppers. Meanwhile, Frodo has reached the top of an archway*

Nazgul no. 5: Quick, Operator, I need to know how to minutely maneuver a 'copter!

*Quickflash to Naz5, his (?) undead robes twitch as the information is downloaded into his brain*

Frodo: You know, I have a sudden urge...

Random Soldiers: He's got the Urge!

Frodo: ...to look at my Porcelain Cow! *mutters* Shampoo fiends...

*Slowly, with trembling fingers, he pulls the small knick-knack out of a secret pocket*

Naz5: Aha! Now to get closer...

Sam: Blue 42! Blue 42! Hut, hut!

Sports Announcer: And Gamgee sacks the quarterback!

*Fro and Sam tumble down the stairs, while the Nazgul loses control of the 'copter and crashes into the building. It sets off a chain reaction which destroys a whole building*

Morpheus: What do you think now, Trinity?

Trinity: That we're in the wrong movie.

*Fro and Sam end up at the bottom of the stairs. Fro pulls Sting out and points it at Sam's face*

Sam: Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo! You have smashed the Porcelain Cow!

*A climactic pause as all of our faithful readers GASP!*

*Frodo's eyes lose their former madness, and a grief uncalculable dawns. With a small sigh, he looses Sting and collapses against a pillar*

Frodo: Oh, Sam! What have I done? I can't do this anymore!

Sam: I know, I know. By rights we shouldn't even be here in Osgiliath, talking about a Porcelian Cow or politicians. But it's like the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes, the ending you didn't want to know, hmm? Because happy, how could the end be?

Fro: Sam? Why have you gone green?

Sam: Hmm! Wants to know why I am green, he does!

*Fro smacks him*

*Flash-sideways to where the Rohirrim et. al. have defeated the Uruks*

Theoden: Victory! We have victory! I knew it all along!

Everybody:

Sam v.o.: But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. The sun will rise. The dew will evaporate. The noonday sun will make most of the shadows disappear. And the rays will fall upon the little seeds, and the seeds will spring up and spring towards the sky, and the gentle rains...*smack*

*Flash to Isengard, where there is a gigantic kegger going on, in which Merry and Pippin are making complete and total drunken fools of themselves, the little cuties*

Sam v.o.: Those were the stories that stayed with you.

Fro v.o.: The stories that stayed with me were the ones my cousin Burfo told me about the giant turnips that they used to grow back in his grandfather's day.

Sam v.o.: Those were disturbing. But even that means something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. And I am even more disturbed than before.

Fro v.o.: What is there to hold onto, then?

*Back to Osgiliath*

Sam*hoisting Fro to his feet*: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it doesn't involve turnips.

Gollum: Well, Sméagol is confused.

Faramir*walking up to Frodo*: I think at last we understand one another, Frodo Baggins.

Fro: Um...why?

Madril: You know the laws of your country, the laws of your decent-nosed father. If you let them go, statues of you with tremendously exaggerated noses will mysteriously appear in strange places at strange times.

Faramir: Hoo boy. I forgot about that. Well, shall I endure the statues, or condemn Middle-earth to enslavery forever? I'll have to sleep on that.

Sam: What?!

Faramir: Never mind my former statement, Frodo Baggins. I may understand you, but you will never fully understand me.

Fro: *sobs*


~*~*~*~*~*~* Scene: The Forests of Ithilien *~*~*~*~*~*~

*Frodo, Sam and Gollum finally escaped the freak-show of Osgiliath, and are walking through Ithilien towards Mordor*

Sam: I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs, or tales.

Fro: What?

Sam: I wonder if people will ever say, 'Legolas is sooo hott!!11!! I luv him! And I luv Pipin he is so funy!!!1!! lol!! And I love Aragorn 'cuz his hair...'

Fro: Stop! Stop! If people ever say that sort of thing, I might just think that this quest isn't worth it. And I have a feeling that the worst is yet to come.

Sam: You're right, Mr. Frodo. And anyway, they would probably say more things along the line of 'I dont liek Frodo, I only lik Leoglas, bcuz hes prettyr! lol!! Frodo is ugli, and he cant act!'

Fro*sarcastically*: But you're forgetting the chiefest of characters: Sammy the Fat. 'I dont liek Sam, hes too fat and ugli lolol he makes the ringrathes look almost as pretti as Lagolos but not quite bcuz Legolas is so pretti I want to ksis him and marri him lololol!!1!!!!'

Sam: Now, Mr. Frodo, you shouldn't make fun. I was being serious!

Fro: So was I. *stifling a laughing fit, he turns to walk on*

Sam: I don't get it.

Frodo: Now where has Sméago gotten to? SMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEAAAAGOOOOOLLLLLLLL!!!

*Meanwhile, Gollum is ahead of the duo, scouting ahead*

Sam: Ouch! Mr. Frodo, do you think it's wise to yell that loud?

Smeegs*crawling tortuously*: Master...Master looks after us. Master wouldn't hurt us.

Gollum: But he did, just now. Ouches, our eardrums...

Smeegs: Yes, maybe, perhaps...

Gollum: Master broke his promise.

Smeegs: But the ice cream store was closed!

Gollum: Master betrayed us! We ought to wring his filthy little neck!

Smeegs: Can we wash it first, precious?

Gollum: Kill him! Kill them both! And we take the Precious, and go back to the ice cream store and TRADE it for a double-dip waffle cone!

Smeegs*scuttles behind a tree*: The fat hobbit, he knows. Eyes always watching.

Gollum: Then we stabs them out. Put out his eyeses. And put them on our ice cream, eh? Yummy sundae for Sméagol?

Smeegs: Yes, yes!

Gollum: Kill them both. Then there's two eyeballses for each of us!

Smeegs: Yes! No no! It's too risky, too risky! But then, risks are our business. When man first looked at the stars...

*The hobbits have come closer during this argument*

Sam: Where's that Gollum? Hey, Gollum! I have hamburgers!

Fro: You do? GIMMIE!

Sam*sotto voice*: No Mr. Frodo, I'm trying to lure him.

Gollum*low and deadly, savoring the syllables*: We could let...her do it.

Smeegs: Yes, she could do it.

Gollum: Yes, precious, she could. And we takes it once they're dead, and with the time She will take to do it, the gold standard will have skyrocketeded, and we will be able to buy TWO ice cream cones!

Smeegs: Once they're dead...

Gollum: Shh!

*Suddenly out in front of Sam and Fro a hideous creature leaps! It's spindly and pale, and its mouth with its six teeth is horribly in need of a breathmint!*

Smeegs: Silly hobbits, climb out of tree! Long ways to go yet. Sméagol will show you the way!

*Sam and Fro climb down, muttering evilly. Smeagollum turns to go*

Gollum: Follow me...heheheheheeeeee...

Sam: Was that an evil laugh I just heard, Gollum?

Smeegs: *cough* No, must be a nice fishhhbone stuck in poor Sméagol's throat! Gollum gollum!

Sam: Alright then, just don't try any sinister plans on us! We weren't born yesterday, you know!

Gollum: Okay, okay...

*And as the trio walk on, the horizon above them darkens. For quite near now is the land of Mordor. There is a dark eye in a dark tower, and dark shapes fly darkly across a darkening sky. Fadeout to the darkest dark yet...*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*The End...?*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

...And now ladies and gentlemen...unless you'd like to do some EE scenes, on with "THE RETURN OF THE FISH!"

. ' ` ' . ' `' >)))o>. ' ` ' . >)))o>` ' . ' ` '.

Before going on with that, I shall do an EE scene. Ha ha! Hoho! They're coming to take me away, haha, to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time...

@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@
*It is a subdued scene in Rohan, as the body of Théodred, son of the king, is brought to his final rest. The bier is carried by the royal guard, and the King, the Wizard and the Ranger follow. Théoden is carred into the tomb, and Éowyn lifts her voice in grief*

Éowyn:
Walk with me my little child-DAH!
To the forest of denial-AH!
Speak with me my only mind
Walk with me until the time
Make the forest turn to wine
Take the legend for a fall
You saw the product
Why cant you see that you are my child?
Why don't you know that you are my mind?
Tell everyone in the world, that I'm you
Take this promise to the end of you!

Theoden: *muttermutter*

Éowyn: But he liked it!

Theoden: *MUTTERmuttermutter*

Éowyn: Oh, fine.

Bealocwealm hafa / fréone frecan forth onsended
giedd sculon singan gléomenn sorgiende
on Meduselde æt he ma no wære
his dryhtne dyrest and mæga deorost.
Bealo...

(An evil death has set forth the noble warrior
A song shall sing the sorrowing minstrels
Blah! Blah! The kitty goes meow!
In Meduseld the welcome mats
Are overcome by fattened rats
Would welcome we, a nice kitty!
In Meduseld that he is no more,
To his lord dearest and his kinsmen most beloved.
An evil death...)

*And Boom! The tomb door was shut*

Gimli v.o.: I liked the first one better.


*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*

And now onto RotK!
Da RotK script

[Meneltarmacil]

In AD 2004 war was beginning.

Nilpaurion Felagund: What happen?

Oddwen: Someone set up us the bomb.

Oddwen: We get signal.

Nilpaurion Felagund: What?

Oddwen: Main screen turn on.

Nilpaurion Felagund: It's you!

Meneltarmacil: How are you gentlemen?

Meneltarmacil: All your base are belong to us.

Meneltarmacil: You are on the way to destruction.

Nilpaurion Felagund: What you say?

Meneltarmacil: You have no chance to survive make your time.

Meneltarmacil: Ha ha ha ha...

(The above came from the opening sequence of a Japanese video game that didn't get dubbed in English very well. The phrase "All your base are belong to us" has since been spread all over the Internet as a rather weird joke.)

************************************************** **************
(Helm's Deep)

GANDALF: Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift. The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle-Earth is about to begin. However, I do have some good news.

ARAGORN: Our hopes now lie with two little hobbits somewhere in the wilderness?

GANDALF: No. I just saved a bundle on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I think she's quoted every song from the album Toxicity . . . well, maybe not all, but still . . .

Oh well. Back to topic.
__________________

Outtakes: Merry and Pip gets drunk

Merry, Pippin, and Treebeard sit near Orthanc.

Pippin: Hey, T-man! That drink was totally awesome!

Merry: Yeah! Mixing that ent-draught with Isen-water just increased the alcohol content to 70%!

Pippin: I need seventy cents?

Merry: *takes out his pipe and bag o' weed.* Wanna smoke?

Treebeard: No, I quit. It blocks my stomata.

Merry: Yeah? Well those folks will stop smoking in a day or two. *motions to ruins of Orthanc*

Treebeard and Merry share a laugh. Pippin (as usual) looks confused.
__________________

Hey, can I have "The Black Gate Opens" and "Mt. Doom" scenes? I really have prepared a good script for it. Trust me.

[Oddwen]

A TTT EE scene:

*At the end of the battle of Helm's Deep*


Gimli: Forty-two, master Legolas!

Leggy: Forty-two what? Orcs?

Gimli: No. It's the answer!

Legs: To what?

Gimli: Well, everything.

Legs: How do you know that?

Gim: Duh! I have a brain the size of a planet!

Legs: Now that I doubt.

Gim: Oh, and I did get forty-three orcs, by the way.

*Leggy pulls his bow out, and then screaming obscenities starts to chase a frightened Gimli around Helm's Deep*

[lothlorien]

Hey you guys are so funny I love the script so far keep working on it oh and if no bodies already baggsed it then could I please claim the scene where Denethor gets set on fire if somebodies already claimed it then that's cool

Well that's all I wanted to say keep writing ok bye

Lothlorien

[Oddwen]

But we'll try anyway.

lothlorien: Thank you! I believe we were sort of saving the Denethor scenes for Meela, but multiple versions of scenes are ok!


And Nilpsy-Wilpsy -

Diss on System and make long waits!
Run with knives and wargs and orcs!
That's what Nilpy Feggy hates--
Hack the BD's and poke with forks

Cut the crap and get to the chat
Give him rep based on postings poor,
Rate his bones using rate F flat!
Post the whine on every door!

Dump his posts in a trashy bin;
Grind them up with a rotten pumpkin;
And when you've finished, if he's still talking,
Send him on his way now walking!

That's what Nilpy Feggy hates!
So carefully, carefully he's irate!

Okaaay...that made little if any sense.


o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

*Scene: Nearabouts the Shire, the Second Age. Two hobbit-like creatures are sitting in a little boat, peacefully fishing*

Creature #1: Rub-a-dub-dub, two men in a tub...

Creature #2: Cold be hand and heart and bone...

#1: Really, Sméagol, must you be so depressing all the time? It's your birthday even!

Smeegs: Yes, and we haven't caught one stinking fish, Déagol!

Deegs: Well you picked the spot.

*Deegs suddenly gets a bite!*

Deegs: Quick, Sméagol! Get the net! I've got one....WHOAAAA!

*Déagol is suddenly yanked out of the boat! He is pulled along on the surface of the water, huge plumes of water are churned up by his feet! before he is dragged underwater. Déagol, finally remembering to let go of the rod, sees something shiny underwater. Thinking it was a lure he lost in a snag some summers back, he grabs it and goes to the surface*

Deegs: Woo, what a ride! Now for my precious lure...

*But it is not his lure! It is another's. (haha, a pun!) Instead, it is a ring. A very shiny ring. A very shiny...round ring...*

Deegs: Where's the grief? (haha, another pun!)

Smeegs(panting and running up): Déagol! That was AWESOME! The fish must've been a league long! What lure were you using?

*He sees the ring in Deeg's hand, and fate starts its fateful wheels a'turning*

Smeegs: But how did you catch the fish, it doesn't even have a hook?

Deegs: It's not a lure, stupid, it's a ring.

Smeegs: Ha ha, very funny. Of course it's a lure, it must be a magic lure. Why else would you be hiding it behind your back?

Deegs: I don't know what you are talking about.

Smeegs: Give me the lure, my love, it is my birthday!

Deegs: I already gave you that can of nice, juicy worms! Besides, it's mine, I found it. Finders keepers losers weepers!

Smeegs: But I...wants it.

Deegs: Yeah, well your mother was a hampster and...gurkkll! Glaaablalarrghhh! *dies*

Smeegs: My...Precious...where do you attatch the hook?

*And Sméagol disappeared!*

Smeegs v.o.: They cursed us, called us "Murderer". "It's the will of the Bambino" they said. They took away our red sox and drove us away.

It is a shadow of its former self, a gnawed and hungry being that is thrown out of his home. Forever tying a string to the ring (a pun! Ha ha!) and throwing it into rivers, he caught no fish with it. Finally, he searched so high and low for worms he found himself in a cave.

Gollum: Gollum! Gollum! Gollum! (Gollum? Gollum!) GOLLUM! GOL-No! Let go of me! Ahhhh*is carted off to meet Mr. Straite Jaquet*

Smeegs v.o.: And we forgot the sound of the crack of the bat. We forgot the taste of baseball park hot dogs. We even forgot our own name. My...
Red Sox.

*A closeup! Sméagol at a sushi bar! The fish is slimy, and putrid. His plaquated teeth grind the juicy pink flesh, and the roe trickles out the side of his mouth! Oh, look, he's gumming the liver now! He's gnawing on the spine and...no! Don't take me away nooo ahhhh!!!

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Hokey-dokey, next scene is Fro, Sam and Gollum waking up and moving on.

[Oddwen]

(haha, I'm watching the movie AND typing this at the same time!)

a rehash


Smeagol: Mmm! Worms! *stick*

Worm: Ahh! *dies*

lalala...Deagie falls out

Deags: Smeagol! hahaha!

Deagol's hat: Help me! I'm drowning!

River: *boot* Here! Take him back!

Deegs: Oh, the sun, the sun!

Deegs: Yum, mud!

Smeegs: Tell a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and...ooh, mud!

Smeegs: Give us that...

Deegs: No! My mud!

*SMACKDOWN!*

Deegs: I'm gonna stick my fingers up your nose!

Smeegs: Nooo! *bite*

Smeegs: Hey...whose heartbeat is that? Sure not Deagol's...uh-oh...

Smeegs: Hey, that's not mud! But it's pretty!

/rehash

--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--

Scene: Near Mordor.

Sam: SNNXXXXXX.....

Fro: Cant stand anymore...must disappear...pretty pretty ring...ahh!

Gollum: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Yes we're so tired of waiting!

Sam: SNXXXXXXX...What? Oh, time to get up! Why, Mr. Frodo! You look as if you haven't slept for a week!

Fro: *twitch*

Sam: Well, I for one had a lovely refreshing nap! *stretches and yawns* Hey, blanket, you and I have another date for tomorrow night, heh heh!

Fro: *twitch* *twitch*

Sam: Well, bless my furry hobbit feet! It's getting late outside!

Fro: No, it isn't midday yet.

Sam: Isn't it? Well, I can take a little nap then...

Fro: SAM!!! The days are growing darker, the hour is late and Gandalf the Grey comes to Isengard, seeking my counsel!

Sam: Just a little joke, Mr. Frodo, and...what?

*Suddenly, the earth starts to shake...*

Gollum: Hurry hurry, silly hobbits! Place will fall down around our ears!

Sam: Not until I have...I mean Mr. Frodo, has somethin' to eat. *Sam ignores Gollum and rummages blithely around in his pack* Here, have some laaaaaambas bread.

Fro(a light appearing in his eyes): Food! *snarf!*

Sam: Oh, um, okay...I'll eat the leaf then...although really I'm not hungry...not like I can't get laaaaaaambas bread at any old store or anything...

Fro: Hmm bmm flrrmm hmm?

Sam: Not like there isn't plenty to get us there and back, ya know.

Fro: Hmm mmph?!?

Sam: Although I don't know if we will get back...go ahead and eat...I'll starve...poor thin Gamgee.

*trudge, trudge trudge, on the road again...*

Gollum: WILL YOU JUST HURRY UP ALREADY?? We're so close, I can smell it!

Sam: I thought that was Mr. Frodo's socks.

Fro: Sam...I don't wear socks.

--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--

Pip: I feel like I'm back at the Green Dragon, after a hard day's night of idling and shoplifting.

Merry: And drinking!

M&P: HAHAHAHAHAAAA! Hey, ho to the bottle I go...

Pip: I am soooo wasted, man...

Merry: Hey, lookie there! YO, LORDS! Welcome to Ishengard! *falls off wall*

Gimli: You drunken hooligans! You are a disgrace to decent society! Hey, is that Pipeweed?

Pip: We are shhhhhhh...

Merry: Pip, watch the language!

Pip: We are sheated on a field of victory. I have consumed enough ale for an *hic* navy on shore leave! The salted pork is particularly good, as we marinaded it in ale and cooked it over burning *hic* pipeweed, heheheheeee!

Gimli: *drool*

Gandy: Stupid hobbits...muttermutter...did he say pipeweed?

Merry: We are under orders from Teebear...

*Pippin peers quizzically upwards*

Merry: Tee, tr..Treebear', who's taken over management of Ishnngard. Hee hee *hic!*

Pip: That means he's the GRAND POOBAH.

Merry: The HIGH MUCKETY-MUCK.

Pip: The BIG CHEESE.

Merry: Ooh, cheese!

--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--0--

That's enough for now, I think. Next scene is Gandy & the rest meeting w' Treebeard, and Pip gets the Palantir.
...
Wake up, wake up, wake up, yeah I'm so tired of waiting, waiting for us to...for us to make a move...

[Oddwen]

Well, here I am again...posting, posting, posting...

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Scene: The Three Hunters, the White Wizard, the Host of Rohan, and two not-orcs approach Isengard.


Treebeard: Hoommmmmmmmmmmmooooooohhhhhooooooooommmmooohhhhooo om, Young Master Gandalf. I'm...glad, yes, glad you've come. Hotels and restaurants, stock and portfolios I can master, but there is a wizard to manage here. We think. There's this huge crater where Isengard used to be. No trace of the tower or wizard.

Gandy: Oh. Um. Script?

PJ: *whisperwhisperwhisper*

Howard Shore: Aright, time for some brooding theme music!

Gandy: *whispermutter, what the Angband am I supposed to...* Oh, ahem! But you said "used", and "no trace" of Saruman. What about "is?" Is he dead?

TB: We...don't know.

Gandy: Well, did you go into Isengard?

TB: *stare* You're kidding, right? I just explained...it...

Gandy: Well, the snake still had one tooth left, I think, for he has obviously poisoned your mind. But I shall speak to him.

TB: Is he kidding?

Aragorn: Probably not.

Gandy: Saruman, Saruman! Come down Saruman!

TB: Well anyway, this mess is slowly washing away. Soon the Isen will run clean again, and Drunkbeard and Dogbark can fix the dam. *glare*

Gandy: Saruman, Saruman. Saruman, you missed your path in life.

Aragorn: I think he has delusions of grandeur.

*Pippin, through a drunken haze, sees a glowing glow in the waters. After staring cross-eyed at it for a while, he fell off the horse*

Pip: Ahhhh*splash!*

*He appears back on the horse with a confused look on his face. He then climbs down very carefully down*

Gandy: Come back, Saruman!

Pip: *blubber*

TB: And trees, young trees who HAVEN'T flunked AA will come to summer vacation here, and the land will spring up green, and the little plants will shoot up towards the sky, and the sun will nourish the tender shoots sending their little roots deep into the rich earth...

Gandy: I did not give you leave to go...

Pip: Hey, cool, a glowing bowling ball! Anyone up for some ninepins?

Gandy: I am not Gandalf the Grey whom you betrayed...

Merry: Shure, can we find some sticks we can use for pins?

Gandy: I am Gandalf the White, returned from death!

Gimli: Ooh! Ooh! I want Legolas for my team!

Legs: Shut up, shorty.

Gandy: You have no colour now, and I cast you from the order and from the Council.

A: Hey, Pippin, that isn't a bowling ball!

Gandy: Saruman, your staff is broken! Pow, kapow, ziingie!

All: What?

Gandy: No, that was not thrown by Saruman; nor even at his bidding, I think. It came from a window far above. A parting shot from Master Wormtongue, I fancy, but ill aimed.

Éomer: Is it just me, or does he keep talking, like we're listening or something?

Gandy: Pippin, here, I did not ask you to handle that! Give it here!

Pip: Noo!

*After a few minutes of wrestling, Gandy managed to wrest the ball from Pippin's tight grasp. Barely*

Pip: Wahh! He BIT me!

Leggy: Ha, you owe me twenty dollars! Pay up!

Gimli: *grump*

Merry: Hey, now we can't play ninepins!

The Host: Aww, man! Stupid Gandalf!

Gandy: It is the end. Let us go.

*Not without a mutter, not without a death threat or two, the host made their way back to Edoras*

Pip: I'm gonna get you, Gandalf, if it's the last thing I do. Hey, Aragorn, let me back up! Don't leave me behind! Waiiiit uuuup youuuu guyyyyys!

TB: Well, bless my furry little hobbit feet!

Ent: Wrong metaphor there, sir.

TB: Shut up, Dutchelm!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Annnd the next scene is Hail the Fallen Dead/The Palantir scene. And unless someone gets crackin', it'll be time for the EE Drinking Contest Scene!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I'm rather sorry if I haven't been posting that much. But I'll come back with a post sometime this week.

And you think we would want to read it?

Hush, Adam.

[Oddwen]

Not to interrupt Nilp's post or anything...I just had an idea for something at the tower of Cirith Ungol and want to post a reminder for myself.

"SAMSAMSAMSAM"

I just hope it hasn't been claimed already...what with all the activity going on around here and all...lawks, lahdy-day.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

. . . but still no posts. Oh, well.

Tomorrow. Really.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

At Meduseld. Théoden rushes in and goes straight to his room. He plunges into his bed.

Théoden: Ah, I thought I’d never see you again. *rolls up in his blankie, bambi eyes at Gandalf* Can I stay here ‘til the war is over?

Gandalf: No. We have to rescue your *coughcuckoo* friend.

Théoden: Ms. Cuddles?

Gandalf: No. Denethor.

Théoden: But I don’t wanna! Can’t you tell him “doctor’s orders” or something?

Gandalf: No. We have to save his city from being overrun by a gazillion Orcs. If that happens I lose my retirement fund . . . I mean Middle-earth shall surely fall.

Théoden: But I almost died!

Gandalf: “Almost” doesn’t cut it! You still have to . . . oops. Hehe.

Théoden: *stands up and stares at him weirdly* What?

Gandalf (): Nothing . . .

Gamling: My lord, it’s time for the celebration.

Théoden: Awww . . . do I have to?

Gamling: Yes, sire. You have to keep your people drunk so they could forget your lack of a standard welfare program.

Théoden: *sigh* Very well. But I want the theme to be Star Wars.

Gamling: What, my lord?

Théoden: Just tell ‘em.

Later, at Meduseld’s Press Room (and Party Hall), the celebration has just begun.

Bouncer: What are wearing?

Guy in styro-Númenor island costume: I’m Hyarrostar. The king said Star-something is the theme.

Bouncer: It’s Star Wars. You’re not allowed.

Guy: But . . . but . . . It hasn’t existed in this Age yet! You have to let me in!

Bouncer: *draws light sabre* Don’t make me force you out . . .

Guy: Hey. Where’d you get that?

Bouncer: Somewhere . . . *uneasy for a while* Now GIT!

Inside . . .

Théoden (in Emperor costume): . . . and so we give tribute to those were in front, to those who caught all the incoming arrows, and to those who were slow and clumsy. All hail the victorious Dead!

Men of Rohan: *silence*

Théoden: C’mon! ‘coz of ‘em we’re still alive!

Men: YEAH!!!

Théoden: So eat, drink and be Pippin! Forget the fact that tomorrow we may be needed to ride our horses at breakneck speeds!

Men: PAAAR-TAY!!!!!

Éowyn (approaches Aragorn in Amidala costume): Drink to me not only with thine eyes. *offers cup*

Aragorn (in Darth Vader costume): Huh?

Éowyn: I meant have a drink, Aragorn.

Aragorn: Yeah, sure. *takes cup, inhales aroma* Hey, this decade-old Dorwinion red wine is laced with Imloth Melui rose extract. Are you trying to do something to me?

Éowyn: Me? Aman, no! *mutter* With you, maybe . . .

Aragorn: What?

Éowyn: Nothing. *pouts*

Aragorn leaves.

Gimli (sidles up to Éowyn in Ewok costume): I don’t see why you keep trying to get Aragorn, when you could have me.

Éowyn: Here I mean no offence, Master Dwarf, but you’re . . . small . . .

Gimli: Hey, I can live with your height.

Éowyn: . . . and female.

Gimli: True. Go on.

Éowyn: I’m straight.

Gimli: Nobody’s perfect, dear.

Éowyn: *groan* I’m so outta here . . .

On top of some table, a little Ossefest has begun . . .

Merry:

Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!
Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!

Pshycho! Pippin! Pipeweed! Crashy!
Pshycho! Pippin! Pipe!
Pip ish high, Pip ish high, Pip ish really on the go!

Pippin: You’re shtill shlurring, dude.

Merry: Shteer.

Pippin: Shkola.

Merry: Schule.

Pippin: Ich habe dash nicht vershtanden. Ich shpreche nicht Deutsch.

Merry: What-ever, dude.

On the buffet table . . .

Freda’s mom (from afar in C-3PO costume): The last pepperoni pizza slice!

Théoden: Hey, look! Pepperoni! *takes slice* Gamling, do we still have more pizza?

Gamling (in Obi-Wan costume): No, sire. The Pizza Hall’s closed ‘til the next age. I think they’re perfecting the manflesh pizza in case Sauron wins.

Théoden: Yeah, whatever. *eats last slice*

Mom (approaches Théoden): I swear that for the rest of this age you shall know neither peace nor rest, pizza-stealer.

Théoden: Woman, I’m the king of almost half the world of Free Men. No-one can harm me.

Freda’s mom storms off, vowing bloody vengeance.

Meanwhile . . .

Aragorn: No news of Frodo.

Gandalf: No word. Nothing.

Aragorn: We have time. Every day Frodo moves closer to Mordor.

Gandalf: Do we know that?

Aragorn: What does your heart tell you?

Gandalf pauses.

Gandalf: That Frodo is alive. *pause* Yes. Yes, he's alive.

Aragorn: Is that you or the ale that’s talking. ‘coz there’s no way in Menel, Cemen, or the three cities of Valinor that he’s still alive.

Gandalf: True. He’s dead in some ditch near Mordor.

Aragorn (laughs): And you made him Ringbearer.

Gandalf: Yeah. The Ring’s near Mordor. *gulp* We are so dead.

Aragorn: Told you your plan sucked from the start. We should just have allied with the Galactic Empire.

Gandalf: Is that you or Darth Vader talking?
__________________

Can I have the scene immediately after the WK/Éowyn/Merry scene? I want to be the one to kill Théoden.

[Oddwen]

Just a quickie. This fits in...somewhere.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

*Meanwhile Aragorn, to flee the highly suspicious dregs of Queen Armaeowyn, hides outside on the porch, where he finds Legolas dressed as Jar-Jar Binks*

JJ: They laughed at me. Some of them tried to kill me.

DV: What do you expect? You're a stupid and pointless character.

JJ: Are you speaking of me, or...me?

DV: Nevermind.

JJ: *shudder! twitch!*

DV: What was that all about?

JJ: A shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind. I can feel it.

DV: Whoa, deja vú. Maybe it's behind that small moon?

JJ: That's no moon. That's an eye.

DV: Don't be silly. That's too big and flaming to be an eye.

JJ: Oh, so it's easily a big flaming moon, huh?

DV: Hey, you never know...

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Leggy as Jar-Jar . . . precious!

Vy ze vay, I think I forgot this:

~*~

Théoden: I saw that.

Éowyn (confused): What?

Théoden: You're trying to make moves on my Aragorn.

Éowyn: Your Aragorn? Ai, Eru nín! Uncle, what has the spell of Saruman done to you?

Théoden: It was not Théoden of Rohan who led our people to victory.

Éowyn looks at him weirdly.

Éowyn: I'm going to have to send you for a lobotomy as soon as this whole business is over.

Théoden: No, Luke. I am your father's cousin's grandmother's niece's neighbour's poker buddy's son's sister.

Éowyn: *leaves*

[Oddwen]

C'est la vie! Éowyn knows elvish now, huh Nilpy?

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

*Scene: Smeegy/Gollum argument. Again*

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

SmeaGollum: ...snrrt, wanna ride the...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

SG: ...thieves, they stole it from...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

SG: ...them. Both of them...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

SG: KILLLL! KILLLRAAAAA...oh. Oopses.

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: Quiet! Mustn't wake them!

S: Hobbitses sleeping. They'll never hear us over the Fat, Noisy Hobbit.

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: But they knows...they knows! They suspects...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...my precious, my love? Is Sméagol losing...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: ...nasty hobbitses! Sméagol wants to see them...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...do it again. It's....

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: ...the precious. We must get...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...patience, my love. First we must...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: ...lead them to the...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...the stairs. And then?

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: Up, up, up...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: ...up, up, up, up...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: ...until we come to...

G: ATunnel!AndWhenTheyGoInThere'sNoComingOut!

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: Excuse us! We're trying to have a conversation here!

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

S: Ooh, ooh! Shall we go into a detailed discription of all the gory things SHE'll do to the hobbitses? Can we? Can we?

G: Sméagol, you are a stupid...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...donkey. And furthermore, your feet...

Sam: SNXXXXXX.....

G: ...! Take that! Nobody wants to hear about how SHE eats!

Sam: SNXX...xxxxxx...eat? Did someone say eat?

S: No, you take this! *Smeegs throws a rock at Gollum's reflection* Haha!

Sam: You treacharous little toad!

Smeegs: Uh, uh-oh! Don't touch me, or I'll give you warts!

Sam: Ahh! Mr. Frodo!

Fro: Sam! Leave him alone! *Fro tackles Sam and then bodyslams him*

Sam: But I overheard him plotting! I heard it with my own eyes! That's me, ol' Faithful Sam Gamgee, never asleep on the job, I never close an eye!

S: No, you've got that wrong. Faithful ol' Sam never closeses his mouth.

Sam: Why you little...

Fro: SAM! *Fro sits on his head* Behave yourself! He is the only one who can lead us to a highly suspicious entrance into the land of Shadow where we may or may not be violently and gorily consumed by a vicious monster! Can't you see, Sam?

Sam: Mmf, mmm hmm mm!

Fro: I'm not sending him away.

Sam: Mmfmm, hmm HMM! HMM HMM!

Fro: We can't do this by ourselves, Sam. Not without a guide. I need you on my side.

Sam: Fmm mm hmm mmph!

Fro: I know, Sam. I know. Trust me.

S: I may be mistaken, but I think he's trying to say "Get off our headses", master.

Fro: Oh...right. Come on little Smeegly-Weegly, take master's hand, and we'll go for a walk!

*Fro walks away leading a reluctant SmeGollum by the hand. Sam gets up gingerly and rubs his head. As he is lead by him, SG turns and sticks out his tongue at Sam smarmily*

Sam: *does same* Pbllbloppppppbllpppttttt!!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

All-righty then. My JarJarolas post goes here, and the next scene is "Pippin and the Palantir". Dun dun dun!!!

[Meneltarmacil]

Admit it. You probably thought I was never going to post here ever again. Well, guess what? I am going to post here. And there's absolutely nothing you can do about it!

MU-WA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, seriously, on to ye olde poste.

MERRY: *wakes up* Where am I? How did I get this hangover? And why am I wearing a Darth Maul costume?

PIPPIN: (wearing a Luke Skywalker costume) You think YOU've got a hangover? I'm feeling so bad, I'm just going to klunk myself over the head with Gandalf's bowling ball and knock myself unconscious.

*steals Palantir*

PIPPIN: Hey! This isn't a bowling ball!

*The overused giant flaming eyeball of DOOM appears*

SAURON: You cannot hide. I see you.

PIPPIN: *stare*

SAURON: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

PIPPIN: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

SAURON: No. I AM YOUR FATHER!

PIPPIN: That's not true! That's impossible!

MERRY: What's going on?

PIPPIN: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo...

MERRY: Gandalf! He's lost it!

[Oddwen]

Menel! *wrings Menel's hand* So glad you're back. I don't know how much more -

I'll get my post in next week.
Next week for sure.
Boy, that week went by fast, didn't it?
Liar. Slacker. Governmental Conspiritist.
Quiet, Adam! You'll give us away!

- of that that I could take. Methinks that Nilp has a Sméagol complex. Heh...now I can imagine him going around making a queer "Louis! Louis!" noise in his throat...hahaha.


~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

Merry: Gandalf! He's lost it!

*Cut to Jar-Jarolas and Darth Thorongil outside*

JJ: He is here. I can feel the presence of my old master.

DT: What? Your old WHAT???

JJ: No time for the blaming game, let's go inside!

*The twain burst upon the scene, hair a'flying, swords a'unsheathing, and manly looks shot a'everyone*

DT: Pippin, put that down! *He grabs the bowling ball. Unfortunately, his sweaty palms made contact and the electric shock sends him violently across the room*

JJ: Noooooooo!! Aragooooooooooooooooorn!

Gandy: Oooohhhhh noooooo noooot sloooo-mooooo agaiiiiin!

Merry: Stuuuuuuupid Auuuuthoreeeesssss!

*Suddenly, everything goes to regular speed and the shock sends everyone to the floor. Heh*

Gandy: Fool of a Took! What were you doing? *he covers the Bowlingballtír with his cloak*

Merry: Well, we were so hung over he thought that he could knock himself unconcious with a blow to the head but a dark figure appeared and spake vague paternal secrets in an inconceiveably cool accent. It was awesome man, you should have been there. Oh man, I'm outta pipeweed? DUDE!

Aragorn: Struck by lightning! Struck by lightning!

Arwen: He needs elven medicine. We must get him to my father.

Gandy: Shut up, everyone. Arwen, you go away. Peregrin Took, wake up!

*Pippin lies flat on his back, staring with unseeing eyes at the ceiling*

G: Yoo-hoo, Pippin! *he waves his hand in front of his face* Hmmrrmm...I know what to do.

*And with that, Gandalf lifted Pippin and threw him out the window. Pippin immediately reappears back on the floor with a slightly more confused expression*

Legs: Tell me...why are you trying to wake him up? Life is so much better without him.

Gandy(whispering): Peregrin Took, if you do not get up this instant, I shall never allow you to smoke pipeweed again!

Pippin: AHHHH! Gandalf it was horrible, horrible! Darth Vader told me that he was my father, I fell into an abyss and then he turned me into a newt!

Gandy: A newt?

Pippin: I got better. At least until he started burning the trees...AND PLACED ME ON THE ALTAR OF SACRIFICE! THE TEMPLE OF MY FLESH BURNED WITH THE FERVOR OF THE ANCIENT HEATHEN KINGS! My hair blazed, and eyes glazed, my feet smell and skin cracked, my fat melted and bones blackened...and he kept singing this awful "Ha-harri-hoy!" song...

Legs: Ai Elbereth...how horrible!

Pip: No, that's what usually happens when I'm hung over. Well, actually that's what happens when I'm drunk. When I'm hung over, I'm stuck with this orange parka over my face, I can't talk and people keep calling me "Kenny".

Gandy: What did you tell him about Frodo and the Ring?

Pip: I told him...everything.

*shock*

*later*

Pip: BWAW-HAW-HAW! You should have seen the look on your face, Gandalf! HAW-HAW-HAW-ow! You hit me!

Gandalf: There were lies in Pippin's eyes. I read his mind. Legolas, do you remember that fiasco at Parth Galen? Peregrin is the thief of your shampoo.

Legolas: RRRRRRAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Merry: Gee Gandalf, you really hit a guy below the belt.

Pippin: And to a hobbit, that's very hard to do.

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

That's all for tonight. I've given the next person a reason for Gandalf to take Pippin to Gondor...and the next scene is Gandalf's *hinthintGondorhintMinasTirithwarhintcoughAragornK inghint* speech, and Pip sets off to the White City.

[Meneltarmacil]

I'll do the scene immediately after Gandalf's speech, where he and Pippin leave Edoras.

*Menel flings a large block labeled "2000 TONS" at Nilpaurion Felagund*

[Oddwen]

"I want to be the one to kill Théoden. " ~Nilp

If it fits, may I have the moment that Theo draws his last breath?

[Boromir88]

Elrond giving Anduril to Aragorn.

Elrond- I come to give you news. Arwen is dying, her strength begins to wain. Sauron is secretly sending a fleet of Corsair ships, they will be in the city in two days. You're outnumbered Aragorn you need more men.
Aragorn- Well what about the Men from Dol Amroth, or the men from Lossarnach, Morthond, or Lebennin?
Mr. Jackson- CUT! Aragorn, you're line is "There are none." ACTION!
Aragorn-There are none.
Elrond-There are those who dwell in the mountains.
Aragorn-You will trust a bunch of cut throats, traitors, they answer to no one.
Elrond-They will answer to the King of Gondor. (unsheathes Anduril)
Aragorn-About time you give me my sword.
Elrond- Anduril, flame of the west forged, by the shards of Narsil. The man who carries this sword can summon him an army more deadly then what walks this earth.
Aragorn-I know that.
Elrond-You must put aside the ranger in you.
Aragorn-I know that.
Elrond- Become who you were born to be.
Aragorn-I KNOW THAT! Jeez, where is Elladan and Elrohir? I wish they were here.
Mr. Jackson- CUT! (whispers in Elrond's ear) ACTION!
Elrond-It just so happens they are deadly sick too.

George Foreman Grill

Frodo-I'm hungry Sam, what food do we got left?
Sam-(unpacks cooler) we got some steak, chicken, a couple turkeys....
Frodo-Well that's no good Sam, we don't have anything to cook it with.
Sam-I beg your pardon Mr. Frodo, I just so happened to bring my George Foreman Grill with me.
Frodo-Sam you're a genius! But, we don't have an outlet.
Sam-It's battery powered, and before you say anything I brought extra batteries.
Frodo-Sam you're a genius!
Sam-I did go to Harvard you know.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Hey, Boromir88, welcome to New Movie Script! A great post you made!

Oddie, how about we both do the scenes? I just want to bring the story o the pizza-crazed mother of Freda and Éothain to conclusion.

*catches Menel's 2000-ton rock, throws it back at him*

I'll do the next one, up to Menel's part. Friday at the latest.

Here we go again . . .

No, really this time. Friday.

[Oddwen]

That'll work Nilp, you cut him into eight equal slices or whatever, I've just got an idea to "send him off".
And b88, I loved that Sam bit.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I finally did something on time!

Anywhen, I noticed that the pages have somewhat . . . shifted. I tried to look for the problem, and I saw Meela's Council of Elrond post replaced with this:

To be re-added at a date. (Meela)

Ummm . . . we'll be waiting for that.

With all introductions done, I present my post:
__________________

Gandalf (to Aragorn and Théoden): The fool of a Took won’t talk. I need to call . . . an old friend.

Patrick Stewart appears, riding a wheelchair.

Patrick Stewart: Hello, old friend.

Gandalf: Yeah, yeah. Just read his mind and then get back to shooting X-Men 3.

Mr. Stewart holds Pippin’s head, then concentrates.

Patrick Stewart: There is . . . nothing!

Legolas: You owe me twenty, Gimli.

Patrick Stewart: Wait, there’s something.

Gimli: Nope. You owe me fifty.

Patrick Stewart: I see . . . a child. My son with Arwen!

Arwen (offstage): Hey! That’s my line!

Aragorn: Do we really need him? Let’s just feed him to the Nazgûl and go.

Patrick Stewart: No, wait. I see . . . Sauron’s plans.

Gandalf: How do you know?

Patrick Stewart: It’s on the title bar. Duh?

Aragorn: What does it say?

Patrick Stewart:

Sauron's Plans

1. Destroy Minas Tirith.
2. Send black ships to do something.
3. Give Isildur’s Heir a bath.

Yup, That’s it,

Aragorn: Merciful Menel!

Meneltarmacil: *snork*

Gandalf (to Mr. Stewart): OK, that’s it. Go back to taping X-Men 3 or something. (to Aragorn and Théoden) Now we know the totality of Sauron’s plans. If Minas Tirith falls the Valar’ll have me scrubbing toilets the rest of my life. If the beacons of Rohan are lit, Rohan must be ready for war

Théoden: Tell me, why should we ride to the aid of those who did not come to ours? What do we owe Gondor?

Gandalf: If you don’t go I’ll scrub the toilets with your face.

Aragorn: Théoden is too chicken. I will go.

Gandalf: No.

Aragorn: They must be warned.

Gandalf: They will be. (quietly to Aragorn) You must come to Minas Tirith by another road. Follow the River. Look to the black ships.

Aragorn: But it’s near the water. I’m afraid of the water.

Gandalf (ignoring Aragorn): Understand this, things are now in motion that cannot be undone . . .

Gimli: Here we go again . . . *takes out plastic bag full of earplugs, takes a pair, then hands the bag to the others*
__________________

I just realised we wove in the Star Wars theme quite nicely into the script, and I hope that another theme will do the same.

Tchüss!

[Boromir88]

ty NP and Oddwen.

Council of Elrond

Elrond: Welcome Frodo. Let me introduce you to the other members, starting from left to right. You already know Gandalf, then there's Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, and Boromir.

Boromir: I'm just here for the refreshments.

Frodo: Who are all these other people?

Elrond: Oh they are just random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, from various places of Middle-Earth.

[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod head in approval.]

Elrond: Strangers from distant lands. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the ring Frodo.

[Frodo sets Ring on stone pedestal. Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod head in approval.]

Boromir: Ooooh, give me the Ring. I want it.

Gandalf: Sit Boromir!

[Boromir sits.]

Elrond: You only have one chance...The ring must be destroyed.

[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.]

Gimli: Then what are we waiting for!

[Gimli spins into a kung fu leap and tries to chop the Ring in half with his axe. But fails and falls on his butt.]

Elrond: What are you stupid! Dwarves of all people should know you can't chop a piece of gold in half!

Boromir: Let's get some refresments...and continue this crap later.

Elrond: The Ring must be destroyed! It must be taken...

[Aragorn cuts Elrond off.]

Aragorn: Ya, ya, before you go into one of your monologues, we get it, the ring must be destroyed.

[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.]

Boromir: Ok! How about we do this! Give me the ring! And let's get them refreshments!

Gandalf: Don't make me get the whip Boromir.

[Boromirs sits]

Legolas: Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond just said! The Ring must be destroyed!

Aragorn: Thank you Captain obvious.

Gimli: I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of the Elf.

Boromir: Give me the Ring! Problem solved!

Gandalf: Sit Boromir!

[Boromir sits]

Frodo: I will take it....I will take it.... I WILL TAKE IT!

Elrond: Didn't have to say it three times you know.

Frodo: I WILL TAKE IT!

Elrond: Ok take it.

Boromir: But you won't give it to me?

Gandalf: Boromir sit! Don't make me tell you again. I'll make you my punching bag like I did to your father.

[Boromir sits. Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.]

Stay tuned for the forming of the fellowship, coming soon.

[Oddwen]

Hehe, I loved how you did Boromir b88! And

[Random Elves, Dwarves, and Men, look on and nod their heads in approval.]

is just hilarious.

And Nilp -

Tchüss!

Bless you.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Scene: The forests of...who knows where. I'll just call them "Whatsumfoozits".
Scene: The forests of Whatsumfoozits. Arwen and her grumpy company are travelling for the Grey Havens.
Suddenly, the company is attacked by rock-throwing hobbits. The elves flee the vicinity of the Shire and come unto the forests of...Blartzinoff.

Elrond v.o.: Have you ever just stood and stared at it? Marvelled at its beauty, its genius? Billions of people, living out their lives, oblivious.

*Half the elves are freaked out. The horses are restless*

Ev.o.: Take her by the safest road. Don't go near the Shire, or I'll sit you down and make you watch me move my eyebrows.
A ship lies at the Grey Havens. You will recognize the ship, as it is Grey. Do not go near the Blue Havens or the Fuscia Havens. The Grey ship will carry her home, across so wide a sea. The last ride of Arwen Undómiel.
Oh yeah, watch out for strange children in the woods of Blartzinoff. They are known to eat anyone who wanders off the path.


*Suddenly, Arwen sees a vision! An extremely chubby boy runs across her path. Her horse screams and throws her. From her vantage point among the bracken, she sees the child leap into the arms of a grizzled, smelly man. Arwen suddenly recognizes her beau, Aragorn. The child turns to her and meets her gaze with eyes that were as blue as limpid pools of moonlight. But Arwen sees something else..."

Arwen: You stole my necklace! You STOLE it you little brat! Give it BAAACK!

Figwit*restraining her*: No, my lady! Don't do it!

Arwen: Oh, no! I understand! You're Aragorn...when he was a little boy! No doubt Sauron got wind of his heritage and somehow aged him backwards! My poor, poor shmoopie!

Child: *growl snap*

Arwen: Oh, you poor little darling...

Child: Have you ever just stood and stared at it?

Arwen: Wait a minute, I'm on my way to the Grey...Havens...DAAAAADYYYYYYYY!!

*She leaps back up onto the horse, and rides back to Rivendell so fast that the shockwave blasts her entourage far into the forest! They wander all night, but never see the light of day again. The cannibal children, however, eat very well the next morning*

Scene: Elrond is in the gazebo, eating h'ors d'ouvres and prime rib roast.

Arwen: Tell me what you have seen!

Elrond: Yes, I will tell you what I have seen. I saw it when I stood and stared at it, marvelling at its beauty, its genius...

A: No! What did you see in the future about me?!?

E: I looked into the menu of your life and death was your dessert.

A: But you've forgotten the main course. You saw an all-you-can-eat buffet! You saw my son!

E: That buffet is almost depleted.

A: Well, if you hadn't let the hobbits stay here for so long...but anyway, there's still enough for a meal.

E: What were we talking about?

A: Ada, it is time. Reforge the sword of the King.

Fr0m teh ash3s a f|r3 sh4ll b w0kenxors
A l|te fr0m teh shad0w$ sh4ll spr|ng
R3n3w3d sh4ll b blad taht was br0kenxors
Teh crownl3ss aga|n sh4ll b king!!!11!!!!eleventy-one!!! lol!!1!!

E: What are you reading there?

A: I don't know, it's marked "My Diarie"...

E: NOOOOO! *he slaps it from her hand* Hey, your hands are cold. Put some socks on.

A: This was my choice, Ada. Wether you will or nil, there is no ship that would bear me hence.

E: Why?

A*grin*: I knocked holes in all the boats.

E: NOOOOOOOOOOooooo.....

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Und de next scene wuldt be Gundulf and Pippun rrrrreaching de White Tuwur, bork bork!

[Boromir88]

I'll have to wait a little bit, to rep you up for that one oddwen . The return of Figwit! But, I must say, I always that Arwen's horse boy was Glorfindel, and PJ was just trying to give us a slap in the face

[Boromir88]

The crapiest job on Middle-earth.
(On top of a random mountain)
Beacon man #1: So what do you want to do?
Beacon man #2: I don't know what do you want to do?
Beacon man #1: Do you want to light the pile of wood?
Beacon man #2: We can't do that without the signal.
Beacon man #1: Do you want to sleep again?
Beacon man #2: That's all we ever do.
Beacon man #1: How did we get stuck with this job anyway?
Beacon man #2: I can't remember it was 16 years ago...or maybe 17.

Rohan.
(Aragorn busts through the door).
Aragorn: The beacons of Minas Tirith! The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!
Theoden: Tell me, why should we go to the aid of those who did not come to ours? What do we owe Gondor?
Aragorn: Please?
Theoden: No.
Aragorn: Pretty please?
Theoden: No.
Aragorn: Pretty please, with a cherry on top?
Theoden: (perky) Muster the Rohirrim!

[Meneltarmacil]

(Meduseld)

GANDALF: I ride for Minas Tirith. And I won't be going alone.

*Gandalf walks to the stables. Merry and Pippin trail behind him.*

GANDALF: Of all the inquisitive hobbits, Peregrin Took. You are the worst! All those times I thought it was Legolas who was stealing my shampoo...

PIPPIN: Where are we going?

GANDALF: To a giant battle where you'll probably die a horrible death.

MERRY: Why did you look? Why do you always have to look?

PIPPIN: I don't know. I can't help it.

MERRY: Maybe you should see a shrink.

PIPPIN: I'm sorry, all right? I won't do it again. *fingers crossed*

MERRY: Don't you understand? The enemy thinks he's your father. You must face Darth Vader agai... oops, wrong movie.

PIPPIN: You're coming with me, right? I mean, being alone with Gandalf all the time is kind of scary.

MERRY: Are you serious? You'll eat all of my mushrooms!

PIPPIN: Merry?

MERRY: Come on!

*Gandalf puts Pippin up on Shadowfax, who tosses him off. Pippin reappears on Shadowfax with a confused expression on his face. The horse sighs.*

PIPPIN: How far is Minas Tirith?

GANDALF: Three day's ride, as the Nazgul flies. And we'd better hope we don't have one of those on our tail. Or our head, for that matter. In fact, there are worse things than that where we're going. Actually, *blahblahblahblah*

PIPPIN: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

*Gandalf mounts Shadowfax.*

MERRY: Here, something for the road.

*hands Pippin the pipeweed*

PIPPIN: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....

MERRY: I know you've run out. You smoke too much, Pip.

PIPPIN: ZZZZZZZ*SNORK* What?

MERRY: Never mind. Just get out of here already.

GANDALF: Run Shadowfax. Show us the meaning of haste. Run like the wind, my noble steed! Fly! Fly! Fly!

SHADOWFAX: Shut up.

GANDALF: *grump* Okay, just run already.

PIPPIN: *examines pipeweed pack, noticing that all it contains are pencil shavings* MERRY! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ALL OF MY PIPEWEED?!!!!!!!!

MERRY: *laughs*

*They ride out of the stables. Merry runs up the steps to the watchtower on the fence, hitting some random guard in the stomach*

RANDOM GUARD: OUCH! Hey, watch were you're going! Sheesh, kids these days...

ARAGORN: Merry! *runs into random guard at full speed, knocking him down and trampling him underfoot*

RANDOM GUARD: Aaaaaaaaaargh!!! *falls down steps* *klunk klunk klunk klunk THUD*

*They see Shadowfax running across the plains. The horse trips over a rock and falls over. Gandalf and Pippin are knocked on their faces. Gandalf kicks Shadowfax and yells some very bad words. The horse gets up and takes off at full speed. Gandalf chases him screaming bloody murder.*

ARAGORN: This'll be a long trip.

RANDOM GUARD: Is there a doctor in the house?

[Boromir88]

Good one Menel, I felt bad for that Rohan Guard too .

Behind the Scenes

Witch-King: So, Peter do I get to awak the Barrow-wright, that captures the hobbits?
PJ: Were not putting that in the movie.
Witch-King: Do I get to break the Gates of Minas Tirith?
PJ: No, were having Grond do that.
Witch-King: Atleast let me command the armies of Mordor.
PJ: Nope, we are having Gothmog do that. To build up his character when Aragorn decapitates him.
Witch-King: Well what do I do?
PJ: You get this cool fell beast thingy and you get to die.

[Oddwen]

Menel, I don't feel sorry for that Rohirrim guard at all. He got exactly what he deserved, the sneak.

Hey, y'know? This scene was never really done. Thus, therefore, ergo...

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Scene: Edoras, more namely the golden hall of Meduseld. Do not look for welcome here, as*coughburarum*

Eowyn: Wahh! Theodred, you were too young, too young! WAHH!

Grima: Oh, he must have been kill...DIED sometime in the, um, night. Speaking of marriage...

Eowyn*sniff*: We weren't speaking of it. *sob*

Grima: Oh, right...um. Too bad about your cousin being poisoned, I mean HEWN by Orcs. It must be hard, especially since your brother was banished...errrrr, has deserted you.

Eowyn: Leave me alone you handsome...I mean, you snake!

Grima: But you are alone. Who knows what you've spoken to the dark watches of the night, when the walls of your bower seem to close in about you; a hutch to trammel some wild thing in. How 'bout it, baby? Will you be my wild thing?

Eowyn: Your word are tempting...I mean POISON! *she flees*

Grima: Was it something I said?

*Eowyn flees the hall and gazes upon the last flying Rohirrim banner. At that moment, the wind chooses to rip it from its pole and send it fluttering beyond the wall. To Eowyn's consternation, it does the same to her outer dress. She flees screaming back into the hall*

*At that moment, strange visitors ride to Edoras. The man in the rear pauses to watch a banner flutter out of the sky and lay on the ground twitching like a dying frog. So distracted, he gets a dress in the face*

Aragorn: Hmm-mm!

*The visitors enter the city and ride towards Meduseld. The old man seems confident, the elf and dwarf are wondering about the state of affairs, and the man in the rear keeps peering around as if looking for someone*

Gimli: You'll find more cheer in a graveyard.

Leggy: And dead people.

Gandy: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Leggy: And tombstones.

Gandy: Thank you, but I'm sure that we all...

Leggy: And ghosts. And coffins. And mausoleums. And Barrow-downers cracking jokes. But not pizza!

Gandy: Yes yes, we all knew...what?

Aragorn: Let me know if you guys see a lady running around in her underwear, will ya?

Gandy*muttering*: I'm travelling in the company of loonies...

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

I guess that fits waaaay back on page three, somewhere in Theoric Windcaller's post.

[The Elf-warrior]

------------------------------------------

*Gandalf catches up with Shadowfax, mounts him, turns around and picks up Pippin.

Gandalf: Now Shadowfax, let's start this off right. Hi yo, Shadowfax, away! Oh, and show us the meaning of haste.

*Shadowfax starts galloping and the William Tell overture starts playing then shifts to the Rohan theme and changes to the Gondor theme as Shadowfax crosses a boggy stream.

Gandalf: We've just arrived in Gondor. And you'll see Minas Tirith just over the hill.

*Minas Tirith cames into view then Shadowfax clatters along the stone streets of Minas Tirith. They dismount in view of the White Tree and walk up to the royal hall.

Gandalf: Listen Peregrin Took, Denethor is not like Theoden. He is a stern man of great sutilty although he is not a King, only a Steward who would not be amused by Hobbit pertness.

Pippin: What are you talking about?

Gandalf: The line of Kings was broken when...

Pippin: I mean what you said about Hobbit pertness.

Gandalf: (Slaps his hand on his brow.) Oh, Fool of a Took! What about right now, you interrupting me! That's just plain impertenance. Or what about both of your all's conduct when we arrived at Isengard? "The big cheese." indeed! Or, "Yo lords, welcome to Ishengard." That goes beyond pertness. You both could have tried to keep a little composure even while drunk. I was talking about the Hobbit tendency to never be serious about anything. Listen, no drinking booze in Minas Tirith, do you understand, young Peregrin!

Pippin: (Sullenly.) Yes sir.

*They pause at the door.

Gandalf: And no Hobbit pertness, do you really understand?

Pippin: Yes sir.

Gandalf: Keep your mouth shut as much as possible when we talk to Denethor, and say nothing about Frodo and the Ring, Boromir and Aragorn.

Pippin: (Sullenly.) All right. I mean yes sir! What's wrong with Boromir and Strider?

Gandalf: Aragorn is the heir to the throne of Gondor! And it is most unwise to break the news of his favorite son and heir's death to a man as mentally unstable as Denethor. To tell him that a man is coming who will supplant his position would be unwise too.

Pippin: Wow, Aragorn is going to be king?

Gandalf: Have you been keeping your head completely in the sand? Be on your best behavior!

Pippin: Yes sir.

Gandalf: And get rid of the bad attitude. The only reason you're here is because you looked in the palantir. And that's another reason to keep you away from booze. You wanted to knock yourself out with it thinking it was a bowling ball because your hangover was so bad.

*Pippin looks at Gandalf sheepishly.

Pippin: Yes Gandalf. I will.

Gandalf: That's better.
-----------------------------------------------

The next scene is with Denethor in the royal hall of Minas Tirith.

[Meneltarmacil]

I will not be posting here again until at least December 30th since I am leaving on a ski trip, just to let you know. So please don't dump boiling oil on me for not posting.

I believe Meela would be best at doing the next scene, but if someone else wants to take it, feel free.

[Meela]

I was waiting until the Denethor scenes turned up, so I'm happy to have a go. I'll see what I can dig up, but I'll leave it open for anyone else.