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Old 08-17-2002, 02:41 AM   #1
HerenIstarion
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ME jokes and funny stories

Well, methinks it would be fun [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] In this thread ME related jokes and funny stories are to be posted . Here we go:

* * *

Elrond, Gandalf and some elves sitting near the hearth at Rivendell. Sound of steps from the roof, coughs, swearing. Then a ring falls into the hearth. Gandalf:
“Don’t you worry, chaps, that’s Frodo practicing”

* * *

When Ar-Pharazon’s fleet approached Aman, Valar laid down their authority and applied to Eru:
- What is to be done, oh the One?
- Make the sea swallow Numenor, and paint Sauron green
- But why green?
- I knew that the first one would not meet any objections at all

* * *

Once Celeborn was beating his wife. Gimli, hearing her cries, took his battleaxe and rushed to her aid. When he came back to his senses with a horrible head-ache, he asked:
- What happened to me?
- You felt the power of the Lord of of the Galadhrim, answered Haldir

* * *

Before the beginning of time Eru asked Melkor:
- Whom you want to be, o Ainu?
- I wanna be a warlord
- But the Enemy may beat you
- Than I wanna be an Enemy


* * *

Bilbo sailing to Valinor: “how old I am now, gollm, gollm... er, I mean, eh, eh”

* * *

Pippin in the battle at the gate of Mordor: “Goats, Goats are coming”
“This one also was watching Palantir-night shows” – thought Gandalf

* * *

Saruman sitting in Orthanc amidst a dirty pool. Gandalf passing by:
“What happened? Ents again?”
“not ents. Plumbers”

* * *

Lo! Lords and knights and men of valour unashamed, kings and princes, and fair people of Gondor, and Riders of Rohan, and ye sons of Elrond, and Dnedain of the North, and Elf and Dwarf, and greathearts of the Shire, and all free folk of the West, now listen to my lay. For I will sing to you of Beren of the One and, Frodo of the Nine Fingers, Sauron of the One Eye, Samwise the Brainless and other cripples and maims of Middle-Earth...

* * *

“Nice-ss-s fis-s-sh” hissed Smeagol climbing down to water
“Fatty Smeagol” – thought piranhas gathered near the bank, but their hope was vain...

* * *

Minas-Anor at the begining of the 4th age. Tiny black-skinned creature runs to and fro with a tiny golden ingot in hand and yells: “I’m a Lord here, obey me”
But nobody believes it...

* * *

A pillar near nargothrond with an engraved announcement:
“Talking lizard draconius glaurungus escaped from Angband Zoo. Please return if found. Don’t keep, don’t feed– an animal is ill (Megalomania)”

[ August 17, 2002: Message edited by: HerenIstarion ]

[ August 29, 2002: Message edited by: HerenIstarion ]
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Last edited by HerenIstarion; 02-12-2012 at 07:24 PM.
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Old 08-17-2002, 09:03 PM   #2
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Ring

Haha! Hilarious!
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Old 08-18-2002, 07:13 PM   #3
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How do you keep Samwise in suspense?
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Old 08-18-2002, 07:17 PM   #4
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Eye

Heehee, I liked the first one best, HerenIstarion. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]
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Old 08-18-2002, 11:37 PM   #5
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Sting

heh, Burra, nice sig.

another one:

When in Sammath Naur Frodo claimed Ring for his own, and announced himself a Master of it, he said in a deep voice:
- Now we can play a fool for a bit

It is reported that Sauron was cast from wall to wall in his tower for more than two hours
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Old 08-19-2002, 01:40 PM   #6
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Silmaril

Hehe, they are very funny! I wish I could come up with things like that, I guess I'm just not a very funny person!
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Old 08-23-2002, 06:12 PM   #7
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Tolkien

Haha! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] Those are great! I like the first one, and the one about plumbers! Those are the best!
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Old 08-29-2002, 03:18 AM   #8
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Sting

new entries:

* * *

Gandalf grumbling climbs up the Endless Stair:
“what a bad taste in jokes this Legolas has. Just imagine me walking on a narrow bridge and him yelling “Balrog , Balrog”


* * *

Gimli: Gandalf, you are white now!
Gandalf: Yes, son of Gloin, deep is the abyss that is spanned by Durin's Bridge, and mighty are the chalk-fields at the bottom of it…
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Old 08-31-2002, 03:37 AM   #9
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Sting

For a month after the battle with Balrog Gandalf had no news of the world, so he was very puzzled when he got rumours of Dark Lord's diminishing in stature and feet hair growth.
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Old 08-31-2002, 09:32 AM   #10
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Tolkien

In geometry our teacher was reading the days lesson aloud to us when farther down the page we came to tiny little drawings. There was a question following.
"Which of these has the characteristics of an ork?" Honestly thats what it said!!! All of us lotr-freaks were sitting in a corrner and pointing to one another then to the book and laughing. it was werid..
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Old 09-01-2002, 08:14 PM   #11
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Ha ha ha ha ha those were good!!! I liked the one w/ Eru and Melkor and the other one about painting Sauron green. [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]
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Old 09-05-2002, 02:02 AM   #12
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Sting

9 worms are crowling beneath the feet of Midolluin. Not far away newly rebuilt gates of Minas Anor are gleaming in the sun. One of the worms applies to another, who's wearing a golden crown:
- Com'on, Angmar, let us dig under Aragorn
- Hush, don't you remember how we tried to dig under Gandalf?
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Old 10-23-2002, 02:52 AM   #13
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Sting

Gimli: Dear Sam, today your cooking was extraordinary...
Sam (blushing): Really?
Gimli: Yeah, even [i[my[/i] stomach rises...

* * *

Gimli is visiting Legolas in Mirkwood. On the wall of elf’s chamber there is a hide of fell beast hanged
Gimli: whoa, Lego, how many arrows did you spend to get this thing?
Legolas: 47
Gimli: And how many times did you hit it?
Legolas: never
Gimli: yet how did you manage to kill it?
Legolas: It suffocated because of laughter


* * *

“What a cracked idea – set a hedge in a cellar! What for?” Thought drunken Bilbo walking around the barrel in Thrandul’s cellar
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- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 10-23-2002, 02:02 PM   #14
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Sting

hee hee! These are good!
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Old 10-26-2002, 04:51 PM   #15
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1420!

How would you like that?
A Nazgul comes to Hobbiton and asks:
-Is Baggins here?
-No, he’s left.
The next day he comes and asks again:
-Is Baggins here?
-No, he’s left. Don’t know when he’ll be back.
The next day
-Is Baggins here?
-No, he’s left. If you don’t stop haunting me, I’ll call Gandalf!
On the fourth day the Nazgul comes again and asks
-Is Gandalf here?
-No,- answers the perplexed hobbit
-And baggins?
####################
The beginning of the Fourth Age. Some hobbits are sitting in a clearing drinking beer. From the bushes there darts Frodo madly shouting ‘Nazgul!!!’ The company scatter in all directions. When everyone calms down and gets out of the bushes, Frodo is nowhere to be seen. And neither are beer and snacks…
####################
Once Merry and Pippin indulged in elven liquor and made a row. The next day they woke up on the ruins of Isengard. And don’t you blame the Ents, that’s that!
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Old 10-26-2002, 09:15 PM   #16
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Pipe

How many hobbits does it take to change a light bulb?.......None .Thay don't have light bulbs.
Thats stupid I know.
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Old 10-28-2002, 05:18 AM   #17
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Sting

hya Akhtene, we drink from the same well there, I surmise [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 10-28-2002, 05:18 PM   #18
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Sting

Most probably. "Kulichki", right?
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Где найти мне сил, чтобы вернуться через века,
Чтобы ты - простил?..
А трава разлуки высока...
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Old 10-28-2002, 11:04 PM   #19
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Sting

akhtene, I loved those!!!
Arwen
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Old 10-29-2002, 12:14 AM   #20
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Sting

not only, but yes, definitely [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 11-12-2002, 03:52 AM   #21
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Sting

Archery Contest in Mirkwood. Tall, but slender elf comes out with a medium bow, bends it sends an arrow right into the aplle of the mark
"I'm Legolas" proclaims he and goes back to his seat

Another one, still taller and kingly looking, approaches the spot, bends his large bow and hits the feather of Legolas' arrow, which is torn apart

"I'm Thranduil" Cries he out loudly and goes back to his seat

Third one comes out. One of the astonishing height, large limbs and enourmous breast. He bends his gigantic bow, sends an arrow size of a log which hits Thranduil, knocks him over and drags Legolas who happens to be seated right behind deep into the forest.

Third elf looks up and roars:

"I'm Sorry"
...and goes back to his seat
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Old 11-14-2002, 05:44 PM   #22
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As you know, Finwe had three sons. Feanor was the most skillful and eloquent; Fingolfin – firm and valiant; Finarfin – fair and wise. If there had been a FOOL among them – the tale would have had a HAPPY END.
####################

-How did elves call Morgoth?
-They didn’t call him. He came by himself.
####################

Who said that Smaug drowned? The Loch-Ness monster is still alive, so why should Smaug be dead?
####################

-Knock-knock!
- Who’s there?
- Do you want the ring, my preciousssss?
- Nooo!
In the morning Bilbo wakes up with a thick head, but the Ring is gone…
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Old 11-18-2002, 05:20 AM   #23
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Sting

lol

alas, but Morgoth came by himself indeed
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Old 02-19-2003, 04:11 AM   #24
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Sting

new entries:

***

Among the ents Sam was known as a gifted barber

***

'Well, what may you be doing here, bum-burarum?'
Asked Fangorn
'Nothing! Leastways I was just trimming the grass-border…'
Those were the last wors of Sam Gamgee…

***

In the Internet-cafe “Prancing Pony” some of the PCs were supplied with Windows 98 special edition – RoundWindows ™ 98 -
just in case hobbits came along...


***
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- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 07-14-2004, 08:02 AM   #25
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some more, after a break

***
When Beorn was young, he was quite thin, bald, cachetic and undersized, But once he fell into the Entwash...

***

Two doctors in an asylum:

Doctor #1: And this here chap is our gravest case - he thinks he's an elf
Doctor #2: I can't believe he's incurable!
Doctor #1: Do believe me, he's here since 1645, and still there is no improvement, no imrovement at all!

***

Imrahil comes up to Minas-Tirith walls. There is disorder and panic there.

Imrahil: What's the matter?
Some soldier: We've heard rumours, Lord, that Rohirrim are coming,
Imrahil: So it is a good news, what are you scared of?
Soldier: They say that when the Riders come from Rohan each would bring behind him a halfling warrior, small maybe, but hard, bold, and wicked. And that on top of those here orks and haradrim! May the Valar turn them aside...

***

Elrond complains to Galadriel:

E: Crazy ways of my daughter will break my heart. She refuses to go to the West, and weeps for this Aragorn guy all the time. What have I sinned to deserve it?
G: Don't you worry, Elrond, dear, it's just awkward age of hers. Wait couple of millenia, it will heal itself, you'll see

***

cheers
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Old 07-14-2004, 08:08 AM   #26
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an another one

The following one refers to movie version (and actually was concerned with crocodiles, to be honest )

So:

Gandalf on Caradhras raises his hands and starts murmuring

Aragorn: What is all about, Gandalf?
Gandalf: I'm scaring Crebain away!
Aragorn: But there are no Crebain this high!
Gandalf: Exactly, As I'm very good at scaring them away!
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Old 07-14-2004, 11:43 AM   #27
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Sting

All these are funny! But, alas, I am not the funny type and am otherwise incapable of making such merriment. Although, I am known, not so fondly at that, to meddle with minds and confuse the unaware. Keep the jokes flowing, though!
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Old 07-15-2004, 12:00 AM   #28
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Do pay for your passage, dear trolls...

Trolley-bus is a carrier devised by Morgoth in mockery of an Ento-bus
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- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 07-15-2004, 12:09 AM   #29
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Narya

So a fork is made in the mockery of felves?
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Old 07-15-2004, 12:19 AM   #30
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But yes! Its mere shape is a hint at cruelty of its essense...

'twas a good one, Nilpaurion, kudos!
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Old 07-16-2004, 10:52 PM   #31
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Narya

You shouldn't really compliment him. His ego grows quite exponentially.

Hush, Adam. He said "kudos!"

Quote:
The nine ships of the faithful were borne by a giant wave, and are carried to Middle-earth. Elendil, upon landing, said,

"I think I forgot my glasses back in Nmenor."
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Old 08-05-2004, 01:54 AM   #32
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new new

- What is it: Huge, black, hairy, leggy, eats everything?
- It's a huge, black, hairy, leggy all-eating Ungoliant!

alternative answer: Shelob
another alternative: pig (not the pink one, black one, )


***

Five steps to become a hero:

First, it is required to kill an elf - one's enemy. As the second step, it is recommended to kill another elf - one's freind this time. Third move is to fall in love with one's close relative, preferably sister, but cousins will do too, and marry them. And, of course, it is essential, as the fourth step, to stab some huge animal of the species on the brink of extinction. But one will not get anywhere unless one commits suicide as the fifth step.

Than one becomes a hero and qualifies for nice epitath on one's grave.

***

more to follow, folks

cheers for now
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- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 08-06-2004, 12:17 AM   #33
Nilpaurion Felagund
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Narya Uh, H-I...

There is another step between the second and the third step. It's the step where someone is required to fall in love with the hero, preferrably an Elf. Some variants of horrible death may follow thereafter.
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Old 08-06-2004, 12:41 AM   #34
The Perky Ent
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White Tree

Here's one. It's not the best, but it's the best I can come up with for right now

Elf 1: I love being immortal
Elf 2: Nothing can kill us!
Elf 1: Actually, we can be killed by fire, metal, and a broken heart!
Elf 2: Oh...but that's it right?
Elf 1: Right
Elf 2: Whoo!

(later that day by the mirror of Galadriel)

Elf 2: Guess what Galadriel! Did you know we can't die! Isn't that cool!
Galadriel: You're 8,000 years old, and you just realized that?
Elf 2: Yeah, but we can die by fire, metal, and a broken heart! It's true watch!
(Elf 2 sticks his face in the mirror)
Elf 2: See! I'm not in fire, metal, or am broken hearted! I could do this for days!
Galadriel: Idiot, you're gonna run out of oxygen!
Elf 2: No i wo....*dead*
(Celeborn walks in)
Celeborn: Wow! So we can die of more than fire, metal, and a broken heart!
Galadriel: no, the water had lead poisoning in it!
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fanor, and there he slew Finw King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finw alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 08-06-2004, 04:54 AM   #35
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It was funny, perky, it was

new entries:

***

The Lord of the Rings (a.k.a. Rocky VI) is a movie where a small time boxer Frodo Bilboa gets a once in a lifetime chance to fight the heavyweight champ in a bout in which he strives to go the distance for his self-respect


***

In the FA, Frodo was employed by ork ready-to-wear clothes company to advertise for them

***

One of the greatest chapters in the History of ME deals with deeds and doings of Joan d'Ork

***

cheers
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Egroeg Ihkhsal

- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!

Last edited by HerenIstarion; 08-06-2004 at 05:05 AM.
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Old 08-06-2004, 10:26 AM   #36
The Perky Ent
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White Tree

new entry!


Aragorn: Gandalf, we must go back!
Gandalf: No (starts doing some magic against Gandalf)
Saruman: (doing magic) wha-- whoooo! (a gust of wind knocks him off the roof)
Saruman: Ahhh! I'm falling! I'm falling! Oh well, I'll fall into some nice trees! Wait, I cut the trees down! Noo! (Saruman falls into a forge and becomes completly metal)
orc: Are you alright my lord?
Saruman in a robotic voice: I'll be back, Gandalf!


****much later when gandalf comes back to Isengard****

Gandalf: I will take you of your power!
Saruman: Terminate! Terminate! Danger Will Robinson! Terminate!
(Gandalf shoots a magic blast at Saruman)
Saruman: I'll...be...back........in the threequil!
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fanor, and there he slew Finw King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finw alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 08-08-2004, 06:47 PM   #37
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White Tree

Here's this:

Gimli: Do, I can go to Valinor...right?
Legolas: Of course! Would I lie to you?
Gimli: No. Of course not! I won't bring it up again
Legolas: Good
*at the edge of the world, the boat doesn't cross on*
Gimli: Legolas? You know how I said I wouldn't bring it up?
Legolas: Yeah?
Gimli: I'm gonna take that back now!
Legolas: Ok
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fanor, and there he slew Finw King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finw alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 08-09-2004, 02:21 AM   #38
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some more

***

Bilbo and Frodo in Rivendell:

B: 'Whats become of my ring, Frodo, that you took away?
F: I have lost it, Bilbo dear, I got rid of it, you know.
B: What a pity! I should have liked to see it again. But no, how silly of me! (starts rummaging in his chest) Here! Lucky I've kept the original!


***

(With regards to chapter 07 discussion )

Tom Bombadil and Frodo in Tom's house:

F. How come you can see me with ring on?
T. (Putting off his glasses) Have you never heard of infrared binoculars, silly?
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Egroeg Ihkhsal

- Would you believe in the love at first sight?
- Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time!
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Old 08-09-2004, 04:48 AM   #39
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LOL! and the first one as a contribution to the thread Mysterious 10th Bearer. As in- Bilbo replaced the Ring with a fake one when he changed the chain in Rivendell. Aw, people, don't roll your eyes!
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Old 08-09-2004, 01:24 PM   #40
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Thumbs up

Heres a bad one;
What is Dearon's favorate sweet (candy for all you americans out there)
Minstrels!
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