Yet another example of humorus ignorace - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Rose Cotton · 01-26-2003, 03:19 PM

I saw this article in my newspaper about LotR, TTT and I thought I'd share it:

Why can't those lords just lose their ring in the sink?

I finally saw the new Lord of the Rings movie which is entitled "Lord of the Rings II: A LOT More Stuff Happens." It's a tad on the long side (three days), but I am not complaining. My eyeballs where literally rivited to the screen, by literal rivets, from the moment I sat down until the moment I lost all sensation in my lower body.
Yes, this is a classic movie, the kind that makes you laugh; makes you cry; makes you wonder, over and over, if this would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Above all, it's a movie that makes you think about issues raised by the plot, the main issue being: What the heck IS the plot?
I say this because it's a very complicated story, with numerous subplots and somthing like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have hard-to-remember names like "Flagodirt" or "Grempkin." So today, as service to all of you who were confused by this great movie, I present the following:
SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II

(Scene 1)
FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!

SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act?

FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!

SAMWISE: But who will guide us?

FRODO: How about a reptillian, computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?

SAMWISE: D ick Cheney's in this movie?

GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbit-breath.

(Scene 2)
LORD ARAGORN: Well my two trusty companions-Legolas the Strangely Tall Elf and Gimli the Comic Relief Dwarf-In our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohon, ruled by King Theoden, whose daughter, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtounge, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!
LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking about.

LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script.

GIMLI: Well, I'm really short!
(Laughter)

LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are couragous heroes!
LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.

SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

(Scene 3)
MERRY:Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!

PIPPIN: Apparently the audience will swallow anything!

TREE: It get's worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat!

(Scene 4)
MONSTERS: Arrrrr!

SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

(Scene 5)
FRODO: How come if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I'm stuck with D ick Cheney?

GOLLUM! Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're wearing a pair of dead weasels.

(Scene 6)
LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador before the forces of Ba'Zoot, led by the King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom!

LEGOLAS: Now your just making stuff up.

LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as kung-fu trees.

GIMLI: I'm still short!
(Laughter)

(Scene 7)
FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that means?

SAMWISE: That "Weasel Feet" would be a good name for a rock band?

FRODO: Yes, as would "Kung-Fu Trees" and "Combat Alfalfa." But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be...

SAMWISE: No! Not that!

FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.

MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
[img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[ January 26, 2003: Message edited by: Rose Cotton ]

Meela · 01-26-2003, 04:15 PM

*dies laughing

that is the best thing i have read in a looong time!!

and extremely accurate!!

LePetitChoux · 01-26-2003, 04:18 PM

Hmm...Funny.

Manwe Sulimo · 01-26-2003, 04:43 PM

That was pretty good. Unfortunately, my sore throat burst while I was laughing...I need stiches. Thanks for the good cheer.

Diamond18 · 01-26-2003, 04:47 PM

Dave Barry wrote that, didn't he? If that wasn't Dave Barry, then I'm a dwarf.

Rose Cotton · 01-26-2003, 05:05 PM

Yes, that was Dave Barry. I forgot to mention that.

Diamond18 · 01-26-2003, 05:31 PM

Ah, darn. I just looked him up on Google, and they say he doesn't take emails anymore (due to not being able to keep up with the flood). I wanted to point out that Éowyn is Théoden's niece, that Merry and Pippin are carried around by Ents (not talking trees), that the Ents don't engage in branch-to-hand combat with anyone (they stomp on the Orcs, and stones don't have hands), that the movie is "The Two Towers" not "Lord of the Rings II", and that neither TTT nor Rotk are sequels, but one movie kindly divided into three for those with incontinence. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

And then I wanted to suggest that "Hobbit Breath" would be a very good name for a rock band.

[ January 26, 2003: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

Horse-Maiden of the Shire · 01-26-2003, 06:58 PM

LOL! That was hilarious! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Marigold Hedgeworth · 01-26-2003, 07:09 PM

Thank you, Rose, for posting that! When I read it in the paper this morning, I just about fell off the sofa laughing, particularly at the D*ck Cheney bit...oh, my. It's horrible, but it's just hilarious too...My apologies to the VP [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img].

Quote:

I wanted to suggest that "Hobbit Breath" would be a very good name for a rock band.

Diamond, you're absolutely right! I can't believe he forgot *that*...

Mari(Used to be Máme, until I realized people might start calling me 'Ma', and I didn't want that, so I changed it:P.)

Bekah · 01-26-2003, 08:44 PM

Oh, that was hilarious!! I couldn't stop laughing. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Mari, are you a Christian?

I live in NZ, and I haven't been to most of the places those actors went to. Do you realize though, that 'walking slowly, in real time, all over New Zealand is practically impossible? 'Cos he'd need the ferry to get to the South Island, and then another one to visit Stewart Island.

Lots of love and God bless,

~ Elentari

Isilmëiel · 01-26-2003, 08:45 PM

Dave Barry is hilarious...I love his column. It's always great when he does parodies. The Q&A columns are great too.

Lady_Báin · 01-28-2003, 10:29 AM

oh ma goodness that was too funny, usually parodies make me mad but that one was actually funny! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] and not too offensive [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]. but does this guy do anything on the net? i'd love to read more of his stuff.

Quote:

I say this because it's a very complicated story, with numerous subplots and somthing like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have hard-to-remember names like "Flagodirt" or "Grempkin."

HAHAHA Grempkin! Flagodirt

Vardadurwen · 01-28-2003, 02:35 PM

Too good! The Gimli comic relief was hilarious as well as accurate. I'll have to pass this along to my brother who will probably enjoy it much more than the actual movie. Thanks again, Rose Cotton.

Brinniel · 01-28-2003, 06:31 PM

My friend first told me about the D ick Cheney part at school, in which I burst out laughing, causing our history teacher to come over. Then I read it myself in the newspaper myself. It is a funny article.
LOL [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Hirilaelin · 01-28-2003, 07:51 PM

I read this article a couple of days ago in my newspaper, andmy first reaction was histarical (s/p?) laughter. My second was, "Hey, this isn't what the movie was like at all?!" Then came, "Oh what the heck, it's a humor column! HAHAHA!" Although he got just about eveything wrong, the column was dang funny. Especially "Grempkin" and "Flagodirt." lol! Dave Barry is great!

Gimli: I'm short! *laughter* Also liked...

Samwise: **** Cheney is inthis movie? lol! Any my personal fave...

Frodo: And, to destroy it,we must walk slowly across New Zealand in REAL TIME! LOL!!!

lol! The whole thing was funny! Even though it was wrong... [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

~Hirilaelin

[ January 28, 2003: Message edited by: Hirilaelin ]

Liriodendron · 01-28-2003, 08:35 PM

Yeah, Dave Barry is very funny without being mean! I laughed when I read this also! I like "clang, clang, clang, clang"......Gimli speaks, "ha ha ha"....... [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] and "Gandalf the Beige"! hee hee! The picture was funny too!

VanimaEdhel · 01-29-2003, 05:32 PM

If you like that, you should also go to This Parody. It's actually in good taste and it's hilarious!

*Continues to laugh at both of them at the same time...* Ooo...my tummy hurts from laughing...hahaha...hahaha...

01-26-2003, 03:19 PM	#1
Rose Cotton Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: A place worse then Mordor........School! Posts: 1,075	Yet another example of humorus ignorace I saw this article in my newspaper about LotR, TTT and I thought I'd share it: Why can't those lords just lose their ring in the sink? I finally saw the new Lord of the Rings movie which is entitled "Lord of the Rings II: A LOT More Stuff Happens." It's a tad on the long side (three days), but I am not complaining. My eyeballs where literally rivited to the screen, by literal rivets, from the moment I sat down until the moment I lost all sensation in my lower body. Yes, this is a classic movie, the kind that makes you laugh; makes you cry; makes you wonder, over and over, if this would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Above all, it's a movie that makes you think about issues raised by the plot, the main issue being: What the heck IS the plot? I say this because it's a very complicated story, with numerous subplots and somthing like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have hard-to-remember names like "Flagodirt" or "Grempkin." So today, as service to all of you who were confused by this great movie, I present the following: SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II (Scene 1) FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie! SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act? FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand! SAMWISE: But who will guide us? FRODO: How about a reptillian, computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over? SAMWISE: D ick Cheney's in this movie? GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbit-breath. (Scene 2) LORD ARAGORN: Well my two trusty companions-Legolas the Strangely Tall Elf and Gimli the Comic Relief Dwarf-In our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohon, ruled by King Theoden, whose daughter, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtounge, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman! LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking about. LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script. GIMLI: Well, I'm really short! (Laughter) LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are couragous heroes! LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa. MONSTERS: Arrrrrr. SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 3) MERRY:Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees! PIPPIN: Apparently the audience will swallow anything! TREE: It get's worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat! (Scene 4) MONSTERS: Arrrrr! SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 5) FRODO: How come if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I'm stuck with D ick Cheney? GOLLUM! Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're wearing a pair of dead weasels. (Scene 6) LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador before the forces of Ba'Zoot, led by the King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom! LEGOLAS: Now your just making stuff up. LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as kung-fu trees. GIMLI: I'm still short! (Laughter) (Scene 7) FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that means? SAMWISE: That "Weasel Feet" would be a good name for a rock band? FRODO: Yes, as would "Kung-Fu Trees" and "Combat Alfalfa." But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be... SAMWISE: No! Not that! FRODO: Yes. Another sequel. MONSTERS: Arrrrrr. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [ January 26, 2003: Message edited by: Rose Cotton ] __________________ "There's nothing you can do, Harry... nothing... he's gone."-Remus Lupin "The closer we are to danger, the further we are from harm."-Pippin (now how can you argue with that logic?)

01-26-2003, 04:15 PM	#2
Meela Denethor's True Love Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Mirkwood. With Thranduil... swoon Posts: 2,049	*dies laughing that is the best thing i have read in a looong time!! and extremely accurate!! __________________ 'The Hobbit' 1st impressions: 1. Thorin is hot... Oh god, I fancy a dwarf. 2. Thranduil is hotter. 3. Is that... Figwit! 4. Does Elijah Wood never age? 2nd: It's all about Fili & Kili, really. 3rd: BARD! OMG, Bard.

01-26-2003, 04:18 PM	#3
LePetitChoux Vegetable of Doom Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: London Posts: 720	Hmm...Funny. __________________ je suis une bonne odeur

01-26-2003, 04:43 PM	#4
Manwe Sulimo Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Taurelilómëa-tumbalemorna Tumbaletaurëa Lómëanor Posts: 553	That was pretty good. Unfortunately, my sore throat burst while I was laughing...I need stiches. Thanks for the good cheer. __________________ "Monkeys learn sign language so they can tell the dolphins they love them."

01-26-2003, 04:47 PM	#5
Diamond18 Eidolon of a Took Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: my own private fantasy world Posts: 3,460	Dave Barry wrote that, didn't he? If that wasn't Dave Barry, then I'm a dwarf. __________________ All shall be rather fond of me and suffer from mild depression.

01-26-2003, 05:05 PM	#6
Rose Cotton Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: A place worse then Mordor........School! Posts: 1,075	Yes, that was Dave Barry. I forgot to mention that. __________________ "There's nothing you can do, Harry... nothing... he's gone."-Remus Lupin "The closer we are to danger, the further we are from harm."-Pippin (now how can you argue with that logic?)

01-26-2003, 05:31 PM	#7
Diamond18 Eidolon of a Took Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: my own private fantasy world Posts: 3,460	Ah, darn. I just looked him up on Google, and they say he doesn't take emails anymore (due to not being able to keep up with the flood). I wanted to point out that Éowyn is Théoden's niece, that Merry and Pippin are carried around by Ents (not talking trees), that the Ents don't engage in branch-to-hand combat with anyone (they stomp on the Orcs, and stones don't have hands), that the movie is "The Two Towers" not "Lord of the Rings II", and that neither TTT nor Rotk are sequels, but one movie kindly divided into three for those with incontinence. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] And then I wanted to suggest that "Hobbit Breath" would be a very good name for a rock band. [ January 26, 2003: Message edited by: Diamond18 ] __________________ All shall be rather fond of me and suffer from mild depression.

01-26-2003, 06:58 PM	#8
Horse-Maiden of the Shire Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Chillaxin' with Glorfindel-441 miles on the RtR Posts: 1,197	LOL! That was hilarious! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] __________________ "There's a big...machine in the sky...some kind of electric snake...coming straight at us." "Shoot it," said my attorney. "Not yet...I want to study its habits."

01-26-2003, 08:44 PM	#10
Bekah Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Several miles over the madness horizon and accelerating Posts: 431	Oh, that was hilarious!! I couldn't stop laughing. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] Mari, are you a Christian? I live in NZ, and I haven't been to most of the places those actors went to. Do you realize though, that 'walking slowly, in real time, all over New Zealand is practically impossible? 'Cos he'd need the ferry to get to the South Island, and then another one to visit Stewart Island. Lots of love and God bless, ~ Elentari __________________ Vocatus Atque Non Vocatus Deus Aderit ------------~~~~~~~~~~~~~------------ A laita Atar, ar Yondo, ar Ainasule. Ve nes i yessesse na sin, ar yeva tennoio. Nasie.

01-26-2003, 08:45 PM	#11
Isilmëiel Animated Skeleton Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: wandering about... Posts: 33	Dave Barry is hilarious...I love his column. It's always great when he does parodies. The Q&A columns are great too. __________________ I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. ~Graffito

01-28-2003, 02:35 PM	#13
Vardadurwen Wight Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Saskatchewan, Canada Posts: 102	Too good! The Gimli comic relief was hilarious as well as accurate. I'll have to pass this along to my brother who will probably enjoy it much more than the actual movie. Thanks again, Rose Cotton. __________________ 'In this phial,' she said, 'is caught the light of Earendil's star....May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out...' - Galadriel 'Now there's an eye-opener and no mistake!' - Samwise Gamgee

01-28-2003, 06:31 PM	#14
Brinniel Reflection of Darkness Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Polishing the stars. Well, somebody has to do it; they're looking a little bit dull. Posts: 2,983	My friend first told me about the D ick Cheney part at school, in which I burst out laughing, causing our history teacher to come over. Then I read it myself in the newspaper myself. It is a funny article. LOL [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] __________________ Nolite te bastardes carborundorum

01-28-2003, 07:51 PM	#15
Hirilaelin Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Immersed in a Good Book Posts: 367	I read this article a couple of days ago in my newspaper, andmy first reaction was histarical (s/p?) laughter. My second was, "Hey, this isn't what the movie was like at all?!" Then came, "Oh what the heck, it's a humor column! HAHAHA!" Although he got just about eveything wrong, the column was dang funny. Especially "Grempkin" and "Flagodirt." lol! Dave Barry is great! Gimli: I'm short! laughter Also liked... Samwise: **** Cheney is inthis movie? lol! Any my personal fave... Frodo: And, to destroy it,we must walk slowly across New Zealand in REAL TIME! LOL!!! lol! The whole thing was funny! Even though it was wrong... [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] ~Hirilaelin [ January 28, 2003: Message edited by: Hirilaelin ] __________________ ...so I fired two warning shots. Into his head. - Chicago Let Helky stay! Bree\|Imladris\|guess you'll never know...

01-28-2003, 08:35 PM	#16
Liriodendron Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 527	Yeah, Dave Barry is very funny without being mean! I laughed when I read this also! I like "clang, clang, clang, clang"......Gimli speaks, "ha ha ha"....... [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] and "Gandalf the Beige"! hee hee! The picture was funny too! __________________ http://www.lizmargason.com

01-29-2003, 05:32 PM	#17
VanimaEdhel Etheral Enchantress Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Wellesley College! Posts: 1,461	If you like that, you should also go to This Parody. It's actually in good taste and it's hilarious! Continues to laugh at both of them at the same time... Ooo...my tummy hurts from laughing...hahaha...hahaha... __________________ "I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams, we can be together all the time." - Hobbes of Calvin and Hobbes