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Old 06-03-2004, 08:55 PM   #1
The Perky Ent
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White Tree Defective Weapons Inc.

Well, I think don't think there's a thread like this, so I'll start one. This thread is dedicated to wondering what would happen to people if their weapons didn't work. Enjoy

Quote:
Witch King: No man can kill me. Die now.

Merry: Die! *sword breaks* D'oh!

Eowyn: *dies*
Quote:
Gondorians retreating from Osgiliath: Run away!!!

Gandalf: Let there be light! *no light* D'oh! Why did I pick Energizer?
Quote:
Frodo: Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!
*nothing happens*
Shelob: Sucker! Mwa ha ha!
Quote:
King of the Dead: None but the King of Gondor may command me!

Aragorn: *parry* *Anduril breaks* Thanks a lot Elrond
Quote:
Orc: I'm going to bleed you!

Sam trying to impale orc: *nothing happens*

Orc: *licks mouth* Yay! A two for one special

Sam: Can't we just work this out?
Quote:
Orcs: Grond! Grond! Grond!

Trolls: Alley Oop!

*rope supports break* *Grond falls on the ground*

Pink Orc: You...you can fix that...right?

Get the idea. Cool! Have fun
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fanor, and there he slew Finw King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finw alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 06-04-2004, 12:31 AM   #2
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lol, perky! Great thread!

Quote:
Gandalf: You shall not pass! *slams down staff; breaks*
Balrog: Well, lookie there. Who's the weilder of the flame of Anor now?
Quote:
Frodo: I claim the Ring as my own! *puts on Ring*
*Nothing happens*
Frodo: I said I claimed the Ring as my own! *shakes the ring and puts it back on*
*Still nothing*
Frodo: uh...
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Old 06-04-2004, 06:09 AM   #3
The Perky Ent
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White Tree

Nice ones Saraphim! Here's another:
Quote:
Pippin: Let's light the Becons!
*drops fire*
*nothing happens*
Pippin: Why won't it work?
*tries again*
*nothing happens*
Pippin: Um...guys, can you give me a hand here?
Guard: Sorry, that becon doesn't have any wood
Pippin: D'oh! Gandalf's gonna kill me *pulls out his cell phone* Let's see here. Text msg: Steward crazy, world ending, bring help...ps, tell Merry I say hi. To:EDORAS
Gandalf: Did you light the becon?
Pippin:Um...yes (hoping his lie will work)
Gandalf:...ok. Wanna go for a round of whack the steward?
Pippin: I thought you'd never ask!
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fanor, and there he slew Finw King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finw alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 06-04-2004, 06:21 AM   #4
elronds_daughter
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Silmaril heehee... this is good....

lookin' good so far! let's see if i can manage to add something....
Quote:
Lurtz: *tries to shoot Boromir*
*nothing happens*
Boromir: Are you trying to do something?
Lurtz: *tries again. still nothing* uh...
Boromir: All right, that's it. You've stood there long enough. I'm just going to have to kill you. *tries to cut off Lurtz's head. his sword breaks*
Aragorn: *comes running into a scene that was perfectly good without him* I'LL SAVE YOU, BOROMIR!!!!!!! *trips over a tree root and sprawls face-first on the ground*
*Boromir and Lurtz sigh and walk off, arm in arm, humming "we're off to see the wizard..."*
(after all, there really was nothing to save)
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Old 06-04-2004, 06:30 AM   #5
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White Tree

Wow. This is a really cool thread. How about...
Quote:
Frodo: For no reason whatsoever, I'm going to put on my ring
Witch King: Die!
*nothing happens*
Frodo: *kicks Nazgul and runs away* Sucker
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Old 06-04-2004, 11:25 AM   #6
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What if...
Quote:
*Isildur picks up the already broken Narsil*
Isildur: I will have the Ring!
*swings at Sauron - Narsil doesn't cut*
Isildur: What the...?
Sauron: Never!
*Sauron wins the Battle of The Last Alliance.*
Quote:
Gurthang: Yea, I will drink thy blood gladly, etc.
*Trin casts himself on his sword - sword turns to jell-o*
Trin: Hey! Stupid sword.
Quote:
*The bridge of Khazad-dm breaks*
*Falling, the Balrog swings his whip at Gandalf, which does nothing.
Gandalf: Haha, not this time!
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Old 06-04-2004, 01:48 PM   #7
Maeggaladiel
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Sting I can see some lawsuits agains the ACME weapons company coming...

Heh heh! This thread is awesome!
Quote:
*in Shelob's lair* Frodo: O Elbereth! Gilthoniel! (or whatever it is he says) *Holds up phial. Nothing happens* Wuh oh...
Shelob: Meh heh heh! *eats him*
Quote:
*Witch King swings giant mace and hits Eowyn. Mace busts.*
Eowyn: Was that supposed to happen?
Witch King: Well, this is not my day.
*Eowyn swings sword. It shatters*
*silence*
Witch King: Soooooo... Rock Paper Scissors?
Eowyn: Loser jumps off a cliff!!
Yeah. I'll shut up now, OK?
~Maeg
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Old 06-04-2004, 02:19 PM   #8
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Quote:
Lurtz: Stand still while I shoot you, human.
Boromir: Aha! You think you can go uncontested but see what happens when I blow the mighty horn of the kings of yore!
*big breath* *blows into horn* *random bubbles drift out the other end* Ahhm...
Quote:
Elrond: Take ye this mighty blade of Isildur and with hammer and anvil and flame reforge the sword of kings!
Random elf blacksmith (Will turner?): *bows* I will make it shine as the sun upon the Anduin. *places it reverentially in the forge for the metal to soften*
Elrond: Your name will be sung in the halls of mandos. *leaves*
Blacksmith: *turns around and sees a puddle of molten metal in the forge* Damit, forgot to set the timer... *runs away*
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Old 06-04-2004, 05:36 PM   #9
The Perky Ent
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White Tree

Yes, if we already have one, please don't copy it, unless of course, it's funnier. But if you are going to do the same thing, try not to stick to the same format. Otherwise, these are looking great!


Quote:
Feanor: Quick! Kill the Teleri and take their ships!
*nothing happens*
*Teleri surround Noldor*
Feanor: Um...right. What I meant was, can I borrow a couple of ships? I swear I'll bring them back.
*nothing happens*
Feanor: Uh...look over there!
*Teleri look away*
*Feanor gets in boats, about to leave*
Feanor: Suckers!
Teleri: Yeah, you know the boat's still tied up to the dock...right?
*Feanor tries to cut the ropes, sword breaks*
Feanor: I can make the simarils, but you'd think I could at least make a decent sword!
Teleri: Not really
Feanor: Shut up *whimpers*
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fanor, and there he slew Finw King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finw alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 06-04-2004, 07:56 PM   #10
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Shield

At the Balck Gate

Troll is fighting with Aragorn and he tries to put his massive foot on Aragorn's stomach. Instead he squishes an orc, he tries again but squishes another orc. Five minutes later the trol finally realizes he is killing his own army and Aragorn has already dissapeared in the fray.
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Old 06-05-2004, 07:46 AM   #11
The Perky Ent
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White Tree

These are looking really good.
Quote:
Sam: Destory it Mr. Frodo!
Frodo: NO! (BUM BuM BUMMM)
Gollum: I'm telekenetic *bites off finger* Yay! I've got the ring! Now I think I'll hop around and see what I can fall in! *gollum falls and melts*
*ring still floats*
Sam: Um...why didn't it destory?
Frodo:What kinda ring is this?
Sauron: The one ring...TO RULE THEM ALL!!
Sam: I have a plan Mr. Frodo. We'll tie your dead finger to a rope, use it as a lure to go lava fishing. Then, when something eats it, we'll cut it open, and get the ring. Any questions? *looks around for Frodo* Frodo? Oh Frooooodo?
*Frodo is in the lava, melting while getting the ring*
Sam: Oh well, no Undying Lands for you. *Frodo melts* Sam leaves* *Ring just sits there*
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fanor, and there he slew Finw King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finw alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 06-05-2004, 09:12 AM   #12
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Eek sorry for repeating earlier I kind of missed the previous one... to make up for it-
Quote:
(at helm's deep)
Legolas: I'm coming Aragorn! *grabs shield and slides it towards stairs* *jumps onto shield* *shield stops under his weight and Legolas is sent flying down the steps*
'kay, not much dialogue but i find the mental image amusing...
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Old 06-05-2004, 11:48 AM   #13
The Only Real Estel
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Pipe

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Frodo vs. Shelob
--------------------

As Frodo turns around, Shelob slams her stinger into his stomach.

Nothing happens. She tries again, with the same result.

Shelob: "Oh...this is anti-climactical"

Shelob hurries back to her lair to wonder just what in the world went wrong
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Old 06-05-2004, 12:17 PM   #14
The Perky Ent
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White Tree

This thread is really looking good. I'm glad I made it

Quote:
Faramir's old Captain partner: *dying on the ground in Osgiliath
Pink Orc: Gimme that spear. I wanna kill this guy
*tries to shove spear in Captain's stomach*
*nothing happens*
Pink Orc: D'oh! Common! Please work! *tries again*
*nothing happens*
Pink Orc: I need to get this spear sharpened *pink orc leaves*
*5 hours later*
Pink Orc: Finally!
Random Orc: Um...he's already dead. He died of blood loss. Sorry
Pink Orc: *whimper*
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fanor, and there he slew Finw King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finw alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 06-05-2004, 01:07 PM   #15
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Frodo: Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!

*nothing*

Frodo: Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!

*nothing*

Frodo (with an air of panic in his voice): Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!

Sam (running in at the last moment): Frodo no! That's a lightbulb!
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Old 06-05-2004, 01:52 PM   #16
Kransha
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I'm assuming Lurtz is the orc in the movie, yes? Well, nevermind. Time for the special Kranshanian Brand of Sil[maril]ly stuff, strait from the pages. Feel the stingy wroth of the Pre-Third Age Defective Weapons, twice as defective as before!

Of Epic Battles and Equally Epic Pitfalls

Quote:
*Morgoth battles Fingolfin outside Angband*
Morgoth: Die, pitiful elf!
*bashes with Grond, Hammer of the Underworld, nothing happens*
Morgoth: Bloody orc manufacturing!
Fingolfin: Eh, my grandma made better maces!
Morgoth: Did even have a grandmother?
Fingolfin: Ummm...I'm not...sure...actually...
Of Elven Craftmanship and Gundabad

Quote:
Great Goblin: I know that blade! It is Glamdring, the foe-hammer!
Gandalf: Indeed, foul Goblin! Now, feel the hammering!
*nothing happens*
Great Goblin: I've said it before, I'll say it again. Elves can't make swords.
Thorin: Here, Gandy, lemme try! *stabs Great Goblin; nothing*
Great Goblin: Go back to Lindon, ya sissy!
Of Watts and Checkout Counters

Quote:
*the Valar are lighting the great lamps*
Manwe: LET THERE BE LIGHT!
*the Lamps of the Valar flicker, then go out*
Manwe: Aule! Why have the lamps gone out
Aule: Sale on used lightbulbs at Mandos-mart.
*in the distance, jingle can be heard*
Mandos: Shop smart! Shop at Mandos-mart!
Of Problematic Blades and a Dark Maiar

Quote:
Beren: Meet thy doom, Morgoth the Dark!
*swipes Angrist at Morgoth's crown to no avail*
Morgoth: This is becoming very boring.
Beren: Shut up, I'm doing the best I can! *slashes continually*
Morgoth: Sure, sure, whatever *yawns*
Beren: Okay, I've almost got it! And...and...and...*still nothing*
Morgoth: Oh, give it up, already. *steps on Beren*
Of Wolves' Teeth and Handy-dandy Elven Stuffp

Quote:
Carcharoth: *battling Beren* Aha! This might come in 'hand'y!
*stunned by the horrible pun, Beren can only stand and watch as Carcharoth leaps up and attempts to bite off his hand, but the wolf's teeth break*
Carcharoth: NOOO! Blast Melkorian primeval dentistry!
Beren: *stifling laughter* can I give you...a 'hand'?
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Old 06-05-2004, 04:12 PM   #17
The Perky Ent
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White Tree

True, but they can be the same topic if they have a different flair. The first two were exactly the same: frodo says light, no light, frodo says light, no light, shelob is happy. However, the third one goes: frodo says light, no light, frodo says light, no light, sam comes, it's a lightbulb There's a difference
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fanor, and there he slew Finw King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finw alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 06-05-2004, 07:26 PM   #18
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yes, Kransha, Lurtz is the head of the Uruk-Hai. in the movies at least. so to have a legitimate reason for posting....
Quote:
as saruman is calling down an avalanche...
*avalanche stops*
Saruman: huh? what happened??
*tries again*
*still nothing*
Saruman: *whimpers and jumps off orthanc because his magic won't work*
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Old 06-05-2004, 08:52 PM   #19
The Perky Ent
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White Tree

Actually, the pink orc (who I think you're talking about) isn't Lurtz. Lurtz is dead. I'm talking about the pink orc in RotK, who commands the orc army at Pelenor. Ring any bells? Remember the scene where the trebuchets hurl a piece of the city at him, he dodges it, then spits on it? Anyways,
Quote:
Saruman: Be wise Gandalf. Give in to the ring
Gandalf: Never
Saruman: You have elected the way of pain! *tries to do some "telekenetic blast" at Gandalf* *nothing happens*
Gandalf: Now let me try! *tries a "telekenetic blast* *nothing happens*
Saruman:So...uh...
Gandalf: Yeah, I guess there's only one thing to do
Gandalf and Saruman: ROCK PAPER SCISSORS!
Gandalf: 3...
Saruman:...2...
Gandalf and Saruman: ...1!
Gandalf: Ha, my staff is made of wood, which makes paper. Your staff is all marbley, which is rock. Paper Covers Rock! I win! In your face!
Saruman: How in the world does paper beat rock? It makes no sense whatsoever!
Gandalf: True.
Saruman: Oh well
Gandalf: Yay! Mmm, what's that I smell? I think it's...pipeweed! Get me some! I have more than one use for paper! *snickers*



Morale (think I spelled it right): If in doubt, always follow your nose
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'But Melkor also was there, and he came to the house of Fanor, and there he slew Finw King of the Noldor before his doors, and spilled the first blood in the Blessed Realm; for Finw alone had not fled from the horror of the Dark.'
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Old 06-05-2004, 10:55 PM   #20
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Boots Great post Perky!

Quote:
Ents storm Orthanc, break dam, not strong enough to withstand water, all get washed away.
That doesn't have to do with a weapon, but a mishap nonetheless.

Quote:
Grima: I hate you!
*Throws palantir, hits somehting springy and bounces back up hits him in the face*
*the present members of the fellowship point and laugh.*
Quote:
Bard: My black arrow has never failed me!
*Breaks in half as he pulls it from quiver*
or

Quote:
Bard: My black arrow never fails to hit a target!
*thrush whispers in ear*
*Bard shoots arrow as thrush flies away, accidentally hits thrush.*
Bard: uhhh...oops?
*Turns around and walks away whistling*
Quote:
*Isildur travelling with party of men*
*Orcs ambush them, Isildur puts on ring to disappear*
*As he swims away invisible, ring slips off finger*
*Orcs see Isildur, shoot him to his death*
Oh wait...that actually did happen
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Old 06-06-2004, 12:26 AM   #21
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The Eye

Quote:
Turin: I will not disgrace the waters of this river with my foul blood
*sets Gurthang in the rocks and goes to jump on it, instead lands overshoots and falls into the river*
Niniel: I will cast myself into the river! *trips and lands on Gurthang*
Gurthang: I need to get a new hobby. Ruining depressed people's lives just doesn't do it for me anymore
Quote:
King of the Dead: The dead do not suffer the living to pass!
Aragorn: You will suffer me! *smacks Anduril down on the Dead King and cuts his head off* Uh...*looks around at all the other dead guys, who start closing in menacingly*
In contrast to what everyone else says, I promote copyright infringment!

*avoids random, airborne objects propelled at her*
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Old 06-06-2004, 08:14 AM   #22
The Squatter of Amon Rdh
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Two more disasters that weren't

'You can take yourself off, you horny old varmint.' said Giles, also hoping to escape battle. 'I only want to be shot of you. Go right away from here, and get back to your own dirty den!' He stepped towards Chrysophylax, waving his arms as if he was scaring crows.
That was quite enough for Tailbiter. It circled, flashing in the air and then returned to its sheath, where it remained stuck fast. Giles gave one mighty heave and was left holding the broken hilt, while Chrysophylax eyed him balefully.

The dragon ate the horse first, because it didn't need peeling.

******

Hrin: Aur entulva!
The head of his axe snaps off and falls on his foot, severing some of his toes. He falls over.
Gothmog: All right, lads: you can take your tea break now.
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Old 06-06-2004, 03:52 PM   #23
The Perky Ent
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White Tree

Quote:
Orcs: Get those seige towers to the city!
*seige towers move* *seige towers stop 4 inches out of range*
Pink Orc: Stupid Hybrids...
No offense to Hybrid cars. They seem really cool!

This next really isn't a weapon, but it's sharp enough to be used as one
Quote:
Gandalf: Now come the days of the king. May they be blessed. *puts the crown on Aragorn's head* *misses and pointy part goes in his head*
Aragorn: Ow *passes out*
Gandalf: He's dead
Pippin: He's not dead! He's not dead!!
Gandalf: Ah, no one listens to you anyways!
Monty Python person: He's not dead. He's just...uh...pining for the fjords!
Gandalf:Uh...right. Arwen, you aren't pregnant yet, are you?
Arwen: No
Gandalf: Ok, this is a problem. Uh...Faramir, get over here!
*Faramir Kneels*
Gandalf: Now come the days of the Steward. May they be blessed.
No offense to Monty Python, as they are cool people. No offense to Pippin either.
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Old 06-06-2004, 06:03 PM   #24
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good ones, Perky! how 'bout....
Quote:
*Boromir is sitting on the ground with arrows stuck in him...*
Aragorn: *comes running up* Boromir! You'll die!
Boromir: No, i think i could come around.
Aragorn: No, no, you're going to die. you just stay there while i rout these orcs.
Boromir: I'm getting better! I could come with you!
just thought another spoof off of Monty Python would be appreciated by Monty Python fans...

cheers!

Elrond's (other) daughter
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Old 06-06-2004, 09:25 PM   #25
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Good ole Monty Python!
Quote:
Shelob: You know, I'm glad your here! Most of the time, all I eat is orcs!
Gollum: And they doesn't tastes very nice, does they precious?
Frodo: Well, I really don't wanna be eaten.
Shelob: Common. It will be fun. Here! I'll show you!
*Shelob closes in on Frodo*
*Frodo pulls out the Phial of Galadriel*
Frodo: Ni! *light turns on* Ni!
Sam: Let me try! Nu! Nu! Nu-
Frodo: No, it's Ni
Sam: Nu!
Frodo: Ni
Sam: Ni
Frodo: Now you've got it!
*light flickers off*
Sam: What happened Mr. Frodo?
*Frodo gets "telepathically teleported to Galadriel*
Galadriel: We are no longer the elves who say Ni. We are now the elves who say Ekky Ekky Ekky z'bang zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringnmmm!
*Frodo comes back to reality*
Frodo:Ekky Ekky Ekky z'bang zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringnmmm!
*light comes back*
Shelob: No! The light has returned!
Sam: You've done it
Shelob: Nooo!
Frodo: Yes, it worked
Shelob: He said it again!
Frodo: Let's go. We must be rid of it!
*Shelob rolls around in pain*
Good times good times. BTW, the defective weapon was the phial.
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Old 06-07-2004, 02:33 AM   #26
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Again, not really a weapon spoof, but still a Monty Python rip off...


Aragorn: Let the lord of the black land come forth!

*silence*

Aragorn: Let the lord of the black land come forth!!

*silence*

Morannon orc: Aaaand whaaaay should weee you stuuuuuupid gondorian pigdog with your little kannnniguts.

Aragorn: I'm the king of Gondor! Come forth and face me!

Morannon orc: Non, I faaaaart in your general direction, silly king type.

Aragorn: You will learn respect!

Morannon orc: Aaaaand whaaaat are you going to do, silly king?

Aragorn: I'll call down the wrath of my fathers upon you.

Morannon oec: Your mother is a hamster, and your father smelt of eeeeelderberries!

Aragorn: Right that's i-

Galadriel: GET ON WITH IT!

Host of the West: GET ON WITH IT!

Aragorn: Yes, yes, alright. Come down and fight me you silly or-

Sauron: GET OOOOON WITH IT!!

Aragorn: Fine!! Get down an-

Valar: GET ON WITH IT!!!!
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Old 06-07-2004, 11:15 AM   #27
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Nice. Here's another Python:
Quote:
Aragorn: If you don't stop, I'll kill you!

Lurtz: The black night *cough* I mean Lurtz knees before no man!

Aragorn: Fine *cuts Lurtz's arm off* Now stand aside!

Lurtz: It's just a scratch

Aragorn: Why you! *Stabs Lurtz in the stomach*

Lurtz: I am invincible!

Aragorn: You're a loony! *cuts off Lurtz's head*

Lurtz: It's just a flesh wound!

Aragorn: Just a flesh wound! You've got no bloody head!

Lurtz: Yes I have!

Aragorn: Well, I'm going to go look for Merry and Pippin now. So, see ya!

*Aragorn leaves*

Lurtz: Come back here! I'll bite your nose off! You pansie!
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Old 06-07-2004, 06:41 PM   #28
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Tolkien

Wonderful thread!

Quote:
RANDOM SOLDIER: Halt! Who goes there?
ARAGORN: It is I, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, from the north. King of Men, defeater of Mordor, Sovereign of all Gondor!
RANDOM SOLDIER: Pull the other one!
ARAGORN: I am... and this is my trusty servant Pippin.
PIPPIN: Hullo.
ARAGORN: We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Minas Tirith. I must speak with your lord and master.
RANDOM SOLDIER: What? Ridden on a horse?
ARAGORN: Yes!
RANDOM SOLDIER: You're using coconuts!
ARAGORN: What?
RANDOM SOLDIER: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
ARAGORN: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Rohan, through--
RANDOM SOLDIER: Where'd you get the coconuts?
ARAGORN: We found them.
RANDOM SOLDIER: Found them? In Rohan? The coconut's tropical!
ARAGORN: What do you mean?
RANDOM SOLDIER: Well, this is a temperate zone.
PIPPIN: D'oh!
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Old 06-07-2004, 09:49 PM   #29
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White Tree

Welcome to the Downs Audreidi! Awesome post!
Quote:
Gandalf: I am a servant of the Secret Fire, weilder of the flame of Anor. The dark fire shall not avail you, flame of Udn!
*Gandalf makes bubble shield thingie*
Balrog: Uh...
*shield flickers and dies off*
Balrog: He he he
Gandalf: Bugger off!
Balrog: K
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Old 06-08-2004, 07:11 AM   #30
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HA!! good ones! here's one that wasn't in the movies for a change... (maybe it'll be in the EE...)
Quote:
*at Isengard, as Gandalf confronts Saruman*
Gandalf: Saruman, your staff is broken!
*Saruman's staff does not break*
Gandalf: I said, your staff is BROKEN!!!
Saruman: Sucker!! i ordered an unbreakable staff from the Staffs 'R' Us catalogue, when you pretty much gave up that option when you said you wanted a white staff. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Evil triumphs once again!!!! oh, by the way, white is so not your color...
Gandalf: D'oh!...*mutters unintelligibly to himself as he bashes Saruman over the head and manages to break his own staff*
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Old 06-08-2004, 10:13 PM   #31
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How come I never found this thread before????? Sigh.... can't win 'im all... I guess...

Quote:
Gandalf and the Dwarves have climbed to the top of the trees. The goblins prance around singing annoyingly, of course. (Read the Hobbit, peoples!!!)

Gandalf: *lights pinecones on fire* Ha ha. *throws at nearest Warg*

Goblin: We clothe our Wargs in fireproof vests! You have failed, Wizard. Loser!

*Warg lights on fire*

*Gandalf throws at Goblin*

Goblin: Oh crap.

Gandalf: Who's the loser now? Ha!
Okay, not very funny, but I wanted to watch this thread... sigh... the lack of inspiration... not very funny. Sigh.... Can't I just pull out some GARLIC? No, don't answer that, Audriedi. I know what YOU'D say... odd to find you here...

Perky, I loved the post, by the way. Very funny.

-Eowyn Skywalker
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Old 06-09-2004, 12:17 AM   #32
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The Eye

Why didn't I think of this before?

Quote:
What really happened before the gates of Thangorodrim
Fingolfin: Morgoth Bauglir, come out of your foul abode and fight me in single combat!
Morgoth: *walks out, weilding Grond and looking all menacing and huge*
Fingolfin: *unsheathes Ringil*
*Fighting ensues, yadda yadda*
Morgoth: *goes to slam down Grond, and it gets stuck in the ground*
Fingolfin: Ha! Now you die! *stabs Ringil, which breaks on Morgoth's armor* Er...
Morgoth: I'm about fifty meters to your two. Let's see what happens when we play 'step on the Elven-King'
I love Fingolfin, but there's just so much room for parody in that scene.
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Old 06-09-2004, 05:10 AM   #33
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Quote:
Morgoth: I'm about fifty meters to your two. Let's see what happens when we play 'step on the Elven-King'
Priceless...that had me laughing for ages...
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Old 06-09-2004, 05:14 AM   #34
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A defective weapon, but defective because its TOO SHARP!

Eowyn: Take the reigns! Left! Left! Right! Through its legs! YAAAH!

*slices at mumak's lefg, sword cuts clean through it*

Merry: Crap...

*mumak collapses on Merry and Eowyn*
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Old 06-09-2004, 05:35 AM   #35
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Question Remember the books?

So many of these are based on the movie that I am considering moving it to THE MOVIES. Seriously, remember the books? Let's try using them for our reference.
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Old 06-09-2004, 07:29 AM   #36
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Sorry. We'll stick to the book, unless everyone desides that in should be about the movies, in which case, maybe it should be moved.
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Old 06-09-2004, 07:38 AM   #37
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Thumbs up

No, this is definitely a MIRTH topic (though the mirth is often difficult to find in it), so we'd do best to keep to the books. They are superior, after all
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Old 06-09-2004, 09:14 AM   #38
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Pipe

One Book and one Movie.

"Gandalf in the meantime was still standing outside the door, and laughing long but quietly. After a while he stepped up, and with the spike on his staff sawed the hobbit's beatuiful green front-door in two. Bilbo ran out to check on the noise and promptly fainted. "Er... sorry..." said the wizard."

The four hobbits are running away from the Ringwraith, vault the fence, down the slope, onto the raft, which sinks beneath their weight. The Wraith saunters up as the hobbits try to escape the muddy-bottomed Brandywine.


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Old 06-09-2004, 10:59 AM   #39
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Sting

Bilbo: "I will give you a name, and I shall call you Sting."

Sting: "Actually, my name's Tarquin and I'm a pacifist."
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Old 06-09-2004, 02:59 PM   #40
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Jandalf: ...PUT AWAY THE GARLIC, PADAWAN!!! I had no idea that would continue over here...

Auddie: Erk...sorry about that, folks.

Quote:
At that sound the bent shape of the king sprang suddenly erect. Tall and proud he seemed again; and rising in his his stirrups he cried in a loud voice, more clear than any there had ever heard a mortal man achieve before:

Arise, arise, Riders of Thoden!
Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter!
Spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered,
A sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises!
Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!


With that he seized a great horn from Guthlf his banner-bearer, and he blew such a blast upon it that it burst asunder. And straightaway all the horns in the host were lifted up in music, and the blowing of the horns of Rohan in that hour was like a storm upon the plain and a thunder in the mountains.

Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!

Unfortunately for the company, the Narrator had become tired of such incredibly-won victories that would await their arrival, and let the sound-waves of the horns and voices continue to thunder around the nearby mountain range that had popped up at random.

"AVALANCHE!!" screamed some poor soldier before the rocks came up.

The king turned around... "D'OH!!!!"
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