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Old 10-31-2017, 05:51 PM   #34
Aiwendil
Late Istar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,129
Aiwendil has been trapped in the Barrow!
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArcusCalion View Post
I have prepared some comments, and this post actually turned out far shorter than I expected. I think this draft was actually a great improvement over the first one, and I am extremely excited about it.
Yes, I'm feeling pretty good about this draft overall as well. It just goes to show how much better the result is when we combine our efforts!

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Bot-03: Where it says "fields of Aman" it should be "Arda."
Thanks. Missed that one.

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BoT-04: after "so would Melkor undo or corrupt it." I would add in Fin's BoT-05: This is a nice detail that I miss.
How about this:

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BoT-04 <Ainulidale D {This} tale {I have heard also among}[was learned from] the lore masters in ages past. For they tell us that the war began before Arda was full-shaped, and ere yet there was anything that grew or walked upon earth, and for long Melkor had the upper hand{.}, and><AAm great ruin with fire and deadly cold {and marred all that the other Valar made}.>{that the}The Valar endeavoured ever, in despite of Melkor, to rule the Earth and to prepare it for the coming of the Firstborn; . . .
The reason I omit the "and marred all that the other Valar had made" is that the passage that follows describes this marring in greater detail. But this captures the detail from AAm that he wielded fire and deadly cold.

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BoT-06b: I miss the longer LQ description of Tulkas' coming. It conveys his personality and description so much more fully and charismatically: Maybe we could use a combination of the two? I greatly prefer the longer LQ version over the briefer AAm version, so if we must pick one I say we use that one.
I think you mean the Ainulindale? I think using the Ainulindale version is fine:

Quote:
BoT-06c <Ainulindale D But in the midst of the war a spirit of great strength and hardihood came to the aid of the Valar, hearing in the far heaven that there was battle in the Little World. And he came like a storm of laughter and loud song, and Earth shook under his great golden feet. So came Tulkas, the Strong and the Merry, whose anger passeth like a mighty wind, scattering cloud and darkness before it. And Melkor was shaken by the laughter of Tulkas, and fled from the Earth{;}.{, and there was a long peace.}>
I'd rather either use the Ainulindale version or the AAm version as a whole rather than mix them.

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BoT-08: This seems redundant, and adds no information, simply repeating things already said in the last paragraph.
Omitting it is fine with me; actually I think I prefer to omit it. But I don't feel strongly about it, and if Findegil or someone else thinks it's valuable, I don't mind it.

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BoT-08.6: what about

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BoT-08.5 <MT; 2; Outline It was in the wielding of flame that Tulkas {(? originally Vala of the Sun) }defeated {him}Melkor in the First Battle.>
Is this considered too minor to mention?
I omitted it for two reasons. First, the style is that of an informal comment on the story, rather than part of the narrative itself, so it feels stylistically very out of place. Second, it seems to me that this is related to the new story in MT II (giving new importance to Melkor's attitude toward light, flame, and the sun) and to the speculative (and quickly rejected) association of Tulkas with the sun. All in all, I think that for the small detail it provides, it's not worth including.

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BoT-13b: i somewhat miss the turns of phrase in Fin's version, but there is no real reason not to use yours
My goal here was to do less chopping up of the text and to give preference to AAm except where the other texts provide substantial new details. But I'm certainly open to other arrangements of the text here.

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BoT-15.1: in the AAm insert, as I said to Fin, Vana cannot robe Nessa in flowers, as it has been said that flowers have not come forth yet on earth, so we decided to change it to "signs of spring".
Ah, well caught! And sorry I missed that in your discussion. I must say, I find "signs of spring" a bit weaselly, though. What signs of spring could one be robed with other than flowers? I'd instead err on the side of just omitting that line.

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BoT-21: what is the source of your replacement for the "And" in the second sentence?
It's from the incomplete AAm* typescript made by Tolkien (given after the main version of AAm in HoMe X). Since this was made by Tolkien himself, and he introduced changes in it, whereas the full typescript of AAm was made by an assistant from the manuscript, I think AAm* clearly has priority where the two diverge.
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