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Old 03-14-2002, 04:40 AM   #1
Airetauriel
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Ring The Secret diaries of The Lord of the Rings

This is going round on email at the moment - apologies for anyone who ahs already read it, but I couldn't resist posting it! Read it and weep! Unfortunately I can't take the credit for it, but I'm working on the secret diary of Gollum, if that's any help!<P>Lord of the Rings: Secret Diaries<BR>_________________________________<P>The secret diary of Legolas<P>Day One:<BR>Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some <BR>tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission <BR>- gold ring tacky.<P>Day Four:<BR>Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the <BR>time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted <BR>we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship.<P>Day Six:<BR>Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am <BR>developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest.<P>Day Ten:<BR>Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on <BR>my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years <BR>or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.<P>Day Eleven:<BR>In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite <BR>sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 <BR>years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored <BR>fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her claim that my <BR>hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 <BR>years, why would it start now?<P>Day 30:<BR>All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn obviously <BR>starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries <BR>anything. Still the prettiest.<P>Day 33 :<BR>Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already <BR>have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.<P>Day 35:<BR>Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn <BR>as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get <BR>any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. <BR>Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men <BR>caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. <BR>So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky <BR>braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark <BR>times.<P>__________<P>The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor<P>Day One:<BR>Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior. He thinks he's so <BR>great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just <BR>because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan <BR>and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there <BR>for a bit.<P>Day Three<BR>Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.<P>Day Four<BR>Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. <BR>Stupid Ring. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor <BR>shoved right up his...<P>Day Four:<BR>Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will <BR>kill him if he tries anything.<P>Day Six:<BR>Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." <BR>"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir,quit trying to cut <BR>off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." Blatant <BR>favoritism most annoying.<P>Day Ten:<BR>Why isn't Aragorn into me ?<P>Day Eleven:<BR>Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am not <BR>turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what <BR>happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too... In other <BR>news, Gandalf died.<P>Day 30:<BR>In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my <BR>rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in <BR>trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has <BR>spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in <BR>nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.<P>Day 33 :<BR>Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must <BR>admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled <BR>around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle <BR>(made easier when he punched me in the face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!<P>__________<P><BR>THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:<P>Day One:<BR>Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave <BR>me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.<P>Day Three<BR>Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.<P>Day Four<BR>Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount <BR>Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the <BR>ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.<P>Day Six:<BR>Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. He must be after <BR>the Ring. Damn its siren call. Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries <BR>anything.<P>Day Ten:<BR>Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was stunned. Had <BR>no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too. It must truly be an object of awesome <BR>power.<P>Day Eleven:<BR>Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat <BR>not just for show. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. <BR>peculiar.<P>Day 24 :<BR>Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me <BR>and pinch me as he has been doing lately. Gandalf fell into shadow.<BR>Was sad to see pointy hat go.<P>Day 27 :<BR>Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she <BR>kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo <BR>Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my gave her my extra pair of <BR>breeches since she seemed fond of them.<BR>Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.<P>Day 30 :<BR>Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a <BR>group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not <BR>affecting them. Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?<P>Day 33 :<BR>Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure <BR>he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite <BR>huge.<P>Day 36 :<BR>Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam coming too. Am <BR>sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea <BR>of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, <BR>he never would have liked me anyway.<P><BR> <P>Airetauriel
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Old 03-14-2002, 08:37 AM   #2
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Actually, that was taken from a website. The rest of the Secret Diaries can be seen <A HREF="http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=kielle&keyword=LOTR:+Secret+Diar ies&filter=all" TARGET=_blank>here</A>.
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Old 03-14-2002, 03:41 PM   #3
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I really like them - sooooo funny!
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Old 03-14-2002, 05:14 PM   #4
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Hilarious!!!!!!
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Old 03-14-2002, 05:23 PM   #5
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Unfortunately, I have done the exact same thing on my site at <A HREF="http://www.geocities.com/lotrthelostdiaries." TARGET=_blank>www.geocities.com/lotrthelostdiaries.</A> So much for either of us having an original idea. Yours are very clever though... however, I think a little less sexual humor would have made them see more so. Nevertheless, good work, and I'd like your input on mine. <p>[ March 14, 2002: Message edited by: Maltaharma ]
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Old 03-14-2002, 05:57 PM   #6
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Silmaril

I don't really like it; it relies almost solely on sexual "humor". Plus one of my pet peeves is the whole "gay Tolkien characters" thing that's been going around lately.<p>[ March 14, 2002: Message edited by: ElanorGamgee ]
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Old 03-14-2002, 08:09 PM   #7
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1420!

HaHaHa HaHaHa HaHaHa HaHaHa HaHaHa HaHaHa HaHaHa. I just fell into my grave from laughing so much.
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Old 03-14-2002, 08:59 PM   #8
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Sting

Those are ok..Sorta funny but I gotta agree with everyone else tho, too much sexual humor...
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Old 03-20-2002, 07:47 AM   #9
Airetauriel
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Tolkien

Ok, I didn't write them, sorry if I didn't make that clear, I just got them sent to me by a well meaning friend!!! I've read your other diaries - and they are far more inspired! These just made me laugh!<P>Airetauriel
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Old 03-21-2002, 01:10 AM   #10
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I read the one at Livejournal.com, plus there's another one at fanfiction.net. They are HILARIOUS!! But only from Elf-boys POV. And the whole thing is from Rivendell to the Gates of Mordor, so it's right through the three books, though I don't think the author is done yet. You can read them here:<A HREF="http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=563497" TARGET=_blank>Legolas Greenleaf's Diary</A> The author knows about the other diaries written in the same style, but trust me, these are just as hilarious!!
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Old 03-21-2002, 01:40 AM   #11
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I thought they were pretty funny, but they did get old after a bit. I had never really thought of Tolkien's character's as gay...maybe I'm just niave. If people have a problem saying that much about gay characters in Lord of the Rings, I'd hate to hear what they'd say about some other books if they were made into movies. I needed a good laugh though, so thanks.
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Old 03-21-2002, 12:26 PM   #12
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Oh, please please please (with a cherry on top) let's not turn this into another "Gay" thread. The Very Secret Diaries were meant as pure fun. <BR>Whoever hyped those links should have put a disclaimer next to them, something along the lines of "do not read if cannot stand gay humour." That's what I did when I had them in my signature, and it certainly kept the people who could not handle gay sex-jokes from being offended.<BR>I, for one, am as dirty-humoured as they come, so I probably enjoyed those things more than all of you combined.
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Old 03-22-2002, 09:13 PM   #13
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Hey, guys, would Tolkien really want gay jokes being posted on his fan site? He was Catholic, you know. I was hoping they would be funny, but the sex-jokes ruined them for me. I think people enjoy the diaries more when they are kept clean.<P>God Bless
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Old 03-23-2002, 10:41 AM   #14
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Like I <I>just</I> said, <B>disclaimers</B> & <B>warnings</B> are in order here. That way, those of us who can't stand references to Arwen and Gimli gettin' it on behind Aragorn's back while the Heir to the throne of Men himself is busy chasing after Frodo, will not read these things, thus avoiding scarring themselves for life. Meanwhile, those of us who can handle it, may have fun without offending anyone and causing the Mods grief.<p>[ March 23, 2002: Message edited by: Lush ]
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Old 03-25-2002, 06:49 AM   #15
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Sting

I fell of my chair, I was laughing so much. No, really.<P>
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Old 03-25-2002, 09:14 AM   #16
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Talking about secret diaries... I found one recently that really got me falling of my chair. Its Saurons Diary and its no gay-thing and its not by me but some fellow named Lalaith. Here is the link: <A HREF="http://people.wiesbaden.netsurf.de/~lalaith/Tolkien/Diary.html" TARGET=_blank>http://people.wiesbaden.netsurf.de/~lalaith/Tolkien/Diary.html</A> <BR>Greetings, gildor
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Old 03-26-2002, 02:30 PM   #17
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That was hilarious. Yes there didn't need to be so much sexual humor, but it was still funny. I loved Legolas' diary.
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Old 10-21-2003, 03:22 PM   #18
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Hehe... I read something like that and liked it better then these but all and all pretty funny...
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Old 10-21-2003, 06:05 PM   #19
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<A HREF="http://flyingmoose.org/tolksarc/saruman.htm" TARGET=_blank>Saruman's Diary</A> is pretty funny, too.
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