If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would....

[Mithalwen]

Or say "he's not the messiah... he's a very naughty boy" ?

[Esgallhugwen]

Convince them to join my Legion of Darkness because it has better member benefits of course.

or

Reach for my trusty mace....oh that's right I havn't bought one yet, hmm this could be problematic to my future.

[Celebaglar]

Bring out a cd player in lingerie and play afternoon delight.

[Tymezennith]

Not really sure what I'd do with 200,000 orcs, but maybe:
1)Snatch a bunch of order forms and get them to buy my little sister's girl scout cookies
2)Subscribe to a pyramid scheme selling jewelry and get filthy rich
3)tell them I only have one toilet and the rest will have to go someplace else, but please not on my lawn.
4)scream, slam the door, hide in some dark corner downstairs and get my fiendish little brother to open the door.

[Celebaglar]

id huff and puff and blow their house down

hmmmm 200000 orcs


oh s#i#!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

200000 orcs at the door,

"Oh no, not again! What is it this time?"

OR

I'd offer them accommodation for the night, but no breakfast, they deserve no less for coming so late!

[HerenIstarion]

If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would....

Close the door. Upon some reflection - stop drinking. Right now. Upon some more reflection - go splash some cold water over my head. Upon even more reflection - check the door again. If orks were still there, well, try to dispose myself to salutary mood real quick and prepare to die, meanwhile posing a question of 'yes, may I help you' (who knows, maybe it's not me they are after, after all?) in the most unobtrusive tone I could possibly manage given the circumstances.

Or maybe die of fright on the spot

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Challenge the leader and two of his best Orcs to a game of Monopoly (because it takes ages to finish) and hope to casually win them over with my lovely character. If that got a bit heated then I would amuse them with magic tricks.

The Orcs would grow to like me and leave my home without hurting anyone.

If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would...

Smirk as they bowed in humble reverence before my dark, dimented glory.
Then I'd politely say thank you as one of them got me a Pina Colada, while the rest give me neck massages, put soothing music on the CD player, and started up the jaccuzzi.
*sigh* It's a hard life... *evil smirk*

[Lalwendë]

Originally Posted by Eomer of the Rohirrim

Challenge the leader and two of his best Orcs to a game of Monopoly (because it takes ages to finish)

I would challenge them to a game of that classic from the 70's, Escape From Colditz. It took so long to gather the little cards which gave your plastic men guns or fake passports that you began to wonder if they were ever going to get out, and then when they did, they'd land on a square where they'd get caught. The Orcs would die of boredom.

Or else I'd challenge them to a game of darts. With my useless throwing I'd knock out one hundred and eighty Orcs a time with one arrow.

[Mithalwen]

If this were a while ago....

Tell my sister her date had arrived (and brought his family)

[Elennar Starfire]

Call Falky to come cover my back, then proceed to kick their derrieres.

[THE Ka]

Formally introduce myself and my animals, then proceed to teach them the Time Warp...

Afterwards, I think we would have a lovely victorian picnic in a cemetery, or I would conduct an art lesson...

I really don't know what we would do... Or I would do for that matter with 200,000 orcs at my door. Maybe I could invite Melkor or something over. Not Sauron though, I have a suspicion that he would steal them... While Melkor would give me tips on how to care for them. Then, we could sit, drink tea and talk philosophy and music. Besides, Melkor is cooler anyway...

~Ka

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Tell them, in as kindly a voice as I can wield, that they do not exist.

[Tuor of Gondolin]

Hmm.

What if 200,00 orcs, after reading a fantasy novel in which they are
negatively stereotyped as evil guys who get killed by the good guys,
become born again proselytizing American Christian fundamentalists
(say, hare krishnas or Mormons). They go back in time to 1950s Oxford
and try to convert to their cause an Oxford don scholar/writer. This
professor becomes so irritated with their constant knocking on his
door and driving past in cars with bad exhausts he decides to put them
in the fantasy novel he is writing as bad guys who get killed by the
good guys, a book which is eventually read by 200,000 orcs who,
after reading this fantasy novel.......

[Ainaserkewen]

I'd do what I do with most everyone who comes to my door.

Sign for the package and/or refuse to by the vacuum and/or tell them I'm not interested in converting and/or don't need a home security system and/or not by candy and/or give pop cans and if they don't go away, release my hound.

[the guy who be short]

Wander about, looking for female Orcs to determine their existance. At the same time, I would wonder how and army of 200,000 managed to fit on so small a front lawn.

[Memory of Trees]

Use my evil Snithy mind powers to convince them that they are my evil minions and must do my bidding. Then I would have them weed my lawn BY HAND!!! MUAHAHAHAHAchoke*cough*ack... and then they would have to watch endless reruns of American Idol with me while drinking cold tea!!!! POWERRRR!!!!

[Holbytlass]

being the hobbit that I am, I'd feed them to death. Have a nice day.

[the guy who be short]

But Holbytlass... there isn't enough of you to feed 200,000 orcs.

[Holbytlass]

Hahahahaha!! Too funny, guy who be short. I suppose I would have to throw them my children first!! And, what, pray tell would you do, oh quick-witted one?
I just went back and saw what you did. So, did you find any females? Were they to your liking? And have you figured out the great question of our time of them fitting on the lawn?

[the guy who be short]

Hm... I've posted two or three times on the topic. But in all likelyhood, I would stick to my original plan and lie besieged. Bring orcs, I don't think they'd be organised enough to have provisions to wait out a siege. And any assault would obviously fail: I would have plenty of boiling water at the ready!
Yes... that just might work.

I'm afraid to say that the army has yet to invade my town, and I therefore have not had the chance to hunt for female orcs. Perhaps it's better for my sanity this way.

Now that I think about it, the 200,000 would probably swarm around the street rather than just in my front lawn... My mistake.

[Holbytlass]

All right, beseiged it is. You bring the water and I'll bring the food and a deck of cards. You do play, don't you? Anyone else care to join? All head to Guy who be short's place, it's the one with the small front lawn. Don't forget to bring something to share.

[the guy who be short]

Wonderful idea, Holbytlass If the stores do run out, we can turn to cannibalism.

More details on the siege:
Board up the lower windows with planks from the garage so they cant be broken through.

Pour boiling water, the cheap substitute for oil, onto the orcs from the upper windows.

Throw antique lamps and other such parental belongings at the orcs. Perhaps set them on fire first.

Play loud rock music Especially Blind Guardian.


Hm... I think I need more detail. What did the orcs bring? If they have siege weaponry I'm in trouble. I'm presuming they just have their little scimitars and swords?

[Holbytlass]

We will have to enlist Formendacil's help. He/She said they had a generic-orc costume, and very good at mixing it up with the enemy. They could go on a reconnisance mission.

[Formendacil]

Originally Posted by Holbytlass

We will have to enlist Formendacil's help. He/She said they had a generic-orc costume, and very good at mixing it up with the enemy. They could go on a reconnisance mission.

Oh dear...

It appears that I have been found out...

In reality, all references to my bravery, cleverness, bomb shelter, and even the Ork costume, are figments of my (rather active) imagination.

Although I imagine that a generic ork costume, due to the rather scruffy nature of the generic ork, would be quite easy to manufacture. Lots of cloth, rusty armour, assortment of dirty cultlery, and a lot of dark facepaint (well-smeared) ought to do the trick.

I'm far from an expert on the subject, but I'm willing to help, if I can... Although my main experience with lawn-battles tends to deal with lawnmowers....

~Definitely male,

Formendacil~

[Glofin]

Hope I had a fast horse and a back door.

[Memory of Trees]

Go back inside, of course!

[the guy who be short]

I've just realised that my siege idea wouldn't work. Orcs wouldn't run out of stores - they'd just eat one another.
I guess I could try and withstand the siege and wait until the majority of the army has been consumed, then make a break for it...

Orc pie, anyone?

[Glirdan]

Guy who be short, would you happen to have any more room in that card game you were planning? It's better than my idea anyway. What kind of person would want to try and jump out a window that doesn't exisist? Oh, right, that would be me............

[the guy who be short]

Let us look at the wording of the question once more.

If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would....

This is a happy scenario: the orcs only appear at one person's house, not all. Therefore, whilst one of us is beseiged and slowly goes insane through loneliness, the others can continue living their merry lives. Unfortunately, this means no communal card games.
However, if I am besieged, I extend offers to all of you to dig your way in for a game of cards.

A thought: If the Orcs were on the front door... surely they'd be tiny little ants swarming over it? In which case, a can of bug spray and problem solved.

EDIT:

Originally Posted by Lyta_Underhill

laugh and point and wonder how they got so small they could fit on my front door! Then I'd cover the door with a thick coat of barn red paint to make it match the roof! Bye bye 200,000 tiny orcs!

Ah, apparently it wasn't my idea. Oh well.

[Larien Telemnar]

Run around screaming and calling for help.

Or perhaps I would grab my frying pan and start knocking them around, then slip out among the confusion because of how short I am, they'd think one of their own had attacked some of them, they'd kill each other off, problem solved.

Or I would baracade the door................ Yeah, THAT'D do a whole honkin' lot of good! *Snort* Let's here it for the mouse Hobbit!

[Lady_Galadriel]

If i found 200,000 orcs outside my front door i would.

Originally Posted by Sett

1. Get the hose and spray down those smelly things

.. hey you took my idea!!! first i would hose down the nasty orcs and when they were nice and wet they would go mentally insane becasue they dont know how to deal with being sparkly clean!!!

Originally Posted by Sett

4. and finally i would get them to pose as gnomes so i dont get damned Jehovas Witnessess coming to the door

oh i labsolutley love that idea!! orkish lawn gnomes!!! yay!!!!!!

[Amanaduial the archer]

Wonder what took them so long. Psh. You just can't get the staff these days...*mutters*

[Hookbill the Goomba]

If I found 200,000 Orcs on my front door, I would ask them if they take sugar in their tea.

OR

If I found 200,000 Orcs on my front door, I would tell them to get off it.

[malkatoj]

If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would offer them tea and spike it with Vodka...or whatever you spike tea with. I'd wait for them to get drunk enough that they forgot about me and sneak off, waiting for their drunkenness, in conjunction with their belligerent nature, to cause them to kill themselves off.

[Vinyacoriel]

Well, first I'd scream like crazy and then start asking them all these questions like, "did you fight the fellowship" "if so, how did you survive"... and they'd be so confused that they wouldn't see me calling up my friend to get his girlfriend's army of penguins that will one day dominate the earth (long story, don't ask) and after they all die, I'd get my one ring and when I use it the witchking will come and kill me, but the hobbits will live on and rule the world!!!!!

[Gil-Galad]

Direct them to the nearest "How to save your mone fast" Seminar, thus making them bankrupt by the pyramid-sceme and making then into hobos...

[yavanna II]

Summon Anakin Skywalker to my side with my thought the way I summoned those orcs...