ARDA CUP Football 2012

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

[Author's note: The text in triple brackets [[[text]]] are to be struck through. Unfortunately the strikethrough tag doesn't work in the Downs, nor do strikethrough text generators. So sorry. ++N(L)]

Group G at Nargothrond (Continued)

Notice to the Public:
Tar-Eldar Network Television and ArdaCup.com Stats Report are run by pretentious prats. I’ve succeeded in cutting off their feed just this once, so I can give you the coverage free from their corporate-sponsored blathering and give you the real game.

And now, we return to our [[[ir]]]regular programming:
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A long time ago, just after Bëor began his pioneering research in [[[in]]]effective goalkeeping , the hosts of the Valar landed in Beleriand and tore the land asunder in their battle against the forces of Morgoth. Morgoth himself cowered helplessly in the deepest pits of Angband and was soon dragged out by Eönwë, Herald of Manwë and typical tough guy, who strode across unstable footing in his Chucks, hauling the One Who Arises in Might by his collar. This was the image conjured in my mind by the dismantling of Nargothrond by AC Beleriand.

This has been done to the hidden realm before, of course. But Glaurung is innocent this time; he’s even wearing the home team’s yellow shirt. No, this time the damage was inflicted mostly by ‘Mr Own Goal’ Fëanor and Beren ‘Luckiest Guy in Arda’, who decided that fourteen second-half minutes would be enough to turn a tightly-contested match into a slaughter reminiscent of Elenna going against a tsunami. And like the ‘Akallabêth’, it was quick, it was generally painless, and it changed the world forever—or at least Nargothrond’s chances of getting past the group stage.

The match began deceptively, as if Sauron, in his guise as Annatar, was in the pitch with Finrod and his lads, offering them the chance to make it to the round of sixteen and beyond. And like the enlightened Noldor of Eregion, they believed it. They attacked with a gusto usually reserved by the Fëanorians for their fellow Elves. Gwindor ‘Charge!’ son of Guilin made a by-your-leave cross past Fingolfin that missed Glaurung’s tail by, I dunno, a few yards. Then there was a perfect Finrod through ball for Imlach ‘In Which Chapter was This Guy Mentioned?’, who had no trouble converting the Wise One’s pass into a clearance. Scintillating.

But all their efforts were not in vain. In the seventh minute, after receiving a lofted pass inside the box from Orodreth ‘Firm Believer in Infrastructure’ son of Finarfin or Angrod (which one is it, really?!), Glaurung ‘The Faithful’ held the ball up against the challenge of Imlach ‘Who Was This Dude Again?’ and ‘I’m a Horse Playing Football’ Rochallor before cutting it back for Finrod ‘Worst Ruler in Arda’ Felagund, who put the ball past the outstretched hand of a helpless Marach (because that’s the perfect adjective to describe most of the Edain during the First Age—helpless.)

One would expect that with the early lead, AC Beleriand would simply fold and hand the group over to Nargothrond. However, much like Maedhros’s triumph over Morgoth in the Fifth Battle of Beleriand, that was not the case. It took a while, but after more than half an hour of kicking the ball up and down the pitch, Fëanor found Beren to the left of the box with enough space to fit the Éothéod in, and Beren… Well, after getting a Silmaril and Lúthien, what more can you deny the man?

The two squads took a tied game into the break, and while Nargothrond seemed to have let their offensive prowess take a sabbatical in the pristine shores of the Falas, AC Beleriand must have asked theirs to call their cousins in Hithlum over, because AC Beleriand took to the pitch with a redoubled fury that reminded no one of Farmer Maggot after Frodo stole some mushrooms again. And like Farmer Maggot it would take them a while (fourteen minutes, to be exact) to find out whom to vent their fury against, but when they did…

Against a lesser goalkeeper, they might have scored one or two. But they were up against Bëor, a record-holding goalkeeper, none of whose records, unfortunately, are related to goalkeeping. Fortunately, some of them are really cool, like AR/DA’s ‘Let It Be Rock.’ Unfortunately, even I think that that pun was totally lame. So moving on…

Fëanor took a long ball from Rochallor and waved to the Nargothrond defenders sipping their daiquiris and lounging in their poolside chairs on his way to an appointment with the netting. Five minutes after Beren, played in by ‘Bungee Jumper’ Eöl, rifled the ball past the Great Wall of Nargothrond (so-called because Bëor is, after all, old and hopelessly useless as a means of defence.) The whole AC Beleriand squad was so pumped up, even Ulrad ‘Where Did Fëanor Find These People?’ and Ecthelion ‘Pointy Hat’ joined the party four minutes later, with the Ultimate Radical heading in a spiked-helmet cross to triple their lead. Then in the sixty-seventh minute, referee Atanalcar[[[, signed by Fëanor from Manwë’s Pelóri squad for $10 million]]] gave a free kick to AC Beleriand from a position so perilous I’m surprised no one has yet placed an ‘Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here’ sign above it. Bregolas took the shot, and Bëor ‘Butterfinger Not Butterbur’ spilled the save into the path of, oh, look, Fëanor. Can I wake up now?

After the fourteen minutes of horror, Nargothrond recovered from their daze (in the defenders’s cases, it was the daiquiri’s fault) and tried to fight back. However, they failed to create any goalscoring opportunities, nor did they have a chance of beating the finest defenders in Beleriand arrayed before Marach. This was particularly the case in the eighty-fourth minute, as Fingolfin did not allow Gwindor to cross; thus his cross, which never happened, was not tailed over the crossbar by Glaurung. And soon the game, like the unfortunate Man struck by Glaurung’s not-tailer, was done.

This must be the curse of the yellow shirts. The last time Nargothrond players took to the pitch wearing their home colours, they lost to Tol-in-Gaurhoth, and before that, to Túna. Or maybe this time it could be the curse of ‘paying too much for offence and having no budget left for defence’. In any case, it’s back to the drawing board for the most reviled prince of the Noldor; his squad now has to defeat the team from Melian’s belt if they still want a chance to go where no other Nargothrond XI had gone before. Oh, and they also have to hope that the Anfauglith-AC Beleriand game doesn’t end in a draw. Yes. Good luck with that. Viva Nargothrondia.

AC Beleriand 5-1 Nargothrond
GOALS:
7, 0-1 Finrod (Glaurung)
38, 1-1 Beren (Fëanor)
59, 2-1 Fëanor (Rochallor)
64, 3-1 Beren (Eöl)
68, 4-1 Ulrad (Ecthelion)
73, 5-1 Fëanor (Bregolas)

Total Shots
22-12
Shots On Target
10-4

YELLOW CARDS:
1-2
AC Bel: Ulrad
Nargothrond: Mîm, Gwindor