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Old 04-19-2003, 03:43 PM   #1
Marileangorifurnimaluim
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Pipe Hobbit Sex Ed

In the spirit of irreverence not often found in the books section of the Downs (in fact, we may have to move this thread), I have done a bit of research into the elusive social mores of hobbit life. That is to say, that when asked about food, drink and other good things of hobbit life, hobbits are quite forthcoming. In fact, many will talk a blue streak. But on the subject of, ahem, procreation, they suddenly become embarrassed, blush, and in general are not very informative. Yet is clear from the sheer size of Hobbit families that they know a great deal about this subject.

Initially, the most I could learn was that young hobbits in their early 'Tweens' are taken aside by their parents and given a talk on the 'birds and the bees.' With much hemming and hawing, and liberal use of confusing analogies, the blushing parent would attempt to explain sex without actually directly mentioning it, or implying that they themselves have ever done this. The confused lad or lass was then freed from this mutually humiliating conversation, to seek the more blunt advice of an older cousin or younger uncle or aunt. Advice one would hope is more accurate.

Beyond this, it was clear that hobbit society at large encouraged long courtships, though there are a fair number of 'hurried' marriages, the reasons for which are not explained. Divorce is unheard of, though there are a fair number of instances where an irate wife will 'go visit mother,' or a husband will 'go hunting,' a trip which could last months and involve no hunting whatsoever.

My research was most discouraged by this curious hobbitish reticence, but I was urged to continue by some very kind friends. Still I had all but given up, when years after I had abandoned the project, I received a number of belated, heated letters from the (now infamous) Hobbiton 'Garden Club' discouraging my efforts. A very odd occurrance. I was actively interested in the subject once again.

As it worked out, the 'Garden Club' (much to its dismay) proved instrumental to a breakthrough in my research.

While my queries regarding, um, recreational unmarried 'assignations' had been rebuffed by the hobbit community, the Hobbiton Garden Club was in fact actively attempting to shut down a South Farthing 'house of ill-repute.' Which answered my questions quite nicely.

Apparently, while previous such houses had been quite discreet, this particular establishment was open about its purpose, and in the opinion of the irate ladies of the Garden Club, flagrantly immoral. It had grown so well known that the phrase 'going to South Farthing' or 'going South' developed a particular amusing connotation (one that passed into the vernacular and remained long after the actual events were forgotten).

The fact the Mayor of the day winked at its activities (and was reputed to visit from time to time) infuriated the Garden Club to no end and they insisted that he retire. When he laughingly refused, they began a slanderous campaign to force him into retirement. The citizens of Hobbiton were rather distressed by this development, but they did agree that perhaps, this particular brothel was a tad more open than was strictly proper. The next Mayor was largely considered to be 'in the pocket' (or pocketbook) of the Garden Club, and he swiftly shut the South Farthing brothel down on the pretext that it was 'unclean.'

Flush from their success, the Garden Club began to shut down other more discreet 'clubs' throughout the Shire, not all of which could be proven to be actually what the ladies said they were. (Annabel Heathertoes long-standing friendship with one late Bilbo Baggins was not considered to be proof of her licencious activities, as she was also quite erudite for a hobbit.)

When the Garden Club learned that the infamous South Farthing brothel was originally a pub (with some extra services rendered upstairs), they made the connection between such activities and drink.

Thus the Garden Club pressed for prohibition of all alcholic beverages throughout the Shire. Or at least in Hobbiton proper where decent folk lived.

At this point, the good citizens of Hobbiton had had enough. While generally considered to be 'well-meaning,' the Garden Club also called 'a bunch of busybodies out to ruin everyone's fun.' Even the most sympathetic decided they had simply gone too far.

The previous Mayor was returned to office, and greeted with cheers when he spoke out on 'no more bossing around, ganging up on folks and telling them what to do, thank you very much.' This marked the demise of Hobbiton's first and last political party, whether they realised it or not.

The alcohol prohibition was swept under the carpet (if not outright laughed at), and, although the South Farthing establishment did not reopen, other such places were studiously ignored. The fact that one of these was in the exact same location as the original South Farthing club went unremarked, if not unnoticed.

The curious side-effect of all this was that hobbits became, for a time, far more loquacious about the subject of sexuality than was their wont. It was the ideal atmosphere for a researcher such as myself, and I took full advantage, guessing (correctly) that this mood in the Shire was only temporary.

I quickly learned that the reason for those 'hasty' marriages was well-known and snickered at (the 'early' arrival of hobbit children noted with tongue in cheek), and that foot fetishes were unsurprisingly common -- so much so that they were not considered a fetish at all, but rather a proper respect for what on many hobbits was their best feature after all.

It was quite surprising to me to learn that the wearing of shoes was considered to be so risque that many hobbits denied the practice existed at all. Vehemently, in fact. Though hobbits accept the wearing of shoes as being an unfortunate need of foreigners who (sadly) have 'naked feet,' it is not at all acceptable among hobbitfolk. Shoes for hobbits are quite tight, hot and uncomfortable, and wearing them is considered... seedy. A few discreet enquiries among tanners, led me to Bree, where the local cobblers (all of the race of Men) confirm a brisk business of tiny shoes for hobbits; they are most amused, though obligingly respectful, of their small customers' request for 'discretion.' They do confirm that the recreational wearing of shoes is common, and practiced even among the most respectable of hobbit families.

Hobbits were mystified by any official terms for sexual practices (they had never heard the word 'fetish' for example), but when they were explained often knew what I was talking about. Although rougher bedroom practices such as S&M were unfamiliar (hobbits are a gentle folk), 'fooling around with ropes' was largely accepted, with a 'rescue the fair hobbitlass (or lad) in distress' being a surprisingly common fantasy.

The subject of extramarital affairs left hobbits appalled, and was a good way to end an otherwise productive conversation; though they admit it did happen, from time to time.

Premarital sex was generally considered to be a one-way ticket to a 'hasty' wedding, considering the lack of birth control hobbits' astonishing fertility. It has already been noted that such weddings weren't exactly uncommon.

Hobbits were mystified at the concept of 'homosexuality,' and were quite certain it didn't occur (once it was carefully explained what this was). When pressed, some younger more forthcoming hobbits did admit that 'helping out a friend' in this way was understandable, of course (given the one-way ticket to marriage noted above), but they couldn't imagine a lasting or even romantic attachment. They considered the whole concept laughable, and shook their heads at the perversions of 'foreigners.'

Recalling my experience with the vehement denial of 'wearing shoes,' I made similar discreet enquiries, and was led to a young Brandybuck was generally considered to be 'among the lads' more than was common. The young Brandybuck was considered a bit of a rogue and was not himself of any such persuation, but he did introduce me to a pair of 'friends' who had discreetly lived together in the Marish for years. They agreed to meet with me on the condition of utmost respect for their anonymity and privacy. They both were respected members of the community, and preferred to keep it that way. "Hobbits don't hold with anything out of the ordinary," they explained. Although they refused to answer any personal 'intrusive' questions, they did confirm there was a scattering here and there of such 'friends,' though it was by no means common.

They wanted to make it absolutely that although they admitted their being together was unusual in and of itself, they were quite normal and contrary to certain ideas, couples such as theirs did not wear shoes.

Thus, my final conclusions in my research, is that hobbits are typical of most rural close-knit communities with the exception of a rather gentle inherent nature, and certain peculiarities owing to race.

- Maril

P.S. Garden Club members are requested to direct their comments to the special Hobbiton Post Office box at:

Post Office Box 13
3 West Road Lane
Hobbiton, The Shire

Which has been established expressly for their responses. Thank you.

-Maril
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Old 04-19-2003, 06:03 PM   #2
Morwen Tindomerel
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Silmaril

A very interesting exegesis on a topic sadly neglected by Professor Tolkien. Shoe fetishes eh? my the things these Little Folk get up too.

I must admit I find it rather hard to believe that Bilbo lived all those years without a discreet liaison or two with respectably unattached ladies of a scholarly or adventurous bent.

As for Frodo, given his prospects it's hard to believe that a Hobbit lass or two didn't set her cap for him from time to time, and while he obviously never married he might have dallied - from time to time. I am *quite* certain Merry and Pippin did!

Sam on the other hand strikes me as the kind who falls in love young and never falls out again. I very much doubt there's ever been any girl for him but Rosie. And while nothing's actually been *said*, (Rosie can't object to Sam's going off on the quest because he 'hasn't spoken yet') I'm quite sure there's been an silent understanding there for a *very* long time.
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Old 04-19-2003, 06:48 PM   #3
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Maril,

Having spent many hours researching hobbit byways and paths, I am duly amazed at your ingenuity in turning up such obscure but fruitful details. I must admit that there are a great many things here that I have never heard of. And, like you, I am not certain if this thread belongs in Books. Nevertheless, I would like to add a few observations based on what Master Tolkien himself said.

First, please note that hobbits live in a farming community, surrounded by the richness of the earth and many animals. As such, I doubt that too many verbal explanations of the birds and bees would be required by the time a hobbit reached his or her tweens. Those of us living in an urban enironment have perhaps lost this magic gift. But a good part of Tolkien's boyhood was spent in a country village where such things would be seen as a natural part of the surrounding environment.

Also, note that Trotter the Ranger Hobbit from The Return of the Shadow always wore wooden shoes that went "clitter-clap" as he roamed among the pathways. Bingo Baggins was quite amazed by this phenomenon. In his own words, Bingo exclaimed upon meeting the Ranger: "Very remarkably, he had wooden shoes." Perhaps, there was more behind this statement than I first perceived!

Also, Master Tolkien himself admits the folowing:

Quote:
The hobbits of that quarter, the Eastfarthing, were rather large and heavy-legged, and they wore dwarf-boots in muddy weather. But they were well known to be Stoors, in a large part of their blood....
The Mannish influence on Stoors, whether genetic or cultural, is well-documented. We may perhaps ascribe this unfortunate habit to the influence of the Big Folk.

Regarding hobbit marriage and procreation, I would again draw your attention to The Return of the Shadow which states that secrecy was the norm among hobbit couples and elopments were quite common. The couple would often run off on their own on an extended trip, and their union would not be announced to the community until their return.

Quote:
Hobbits had a curious habit in their weddings. They kept it (always officially and very often actually) a dead secret for years who they were going to marry. even when they knew. Then they suddenly went and got married and went off without an addres for a week or two (or even longer).
Perhaps, this discrepency between actual marriage and offical announcement might explain any so called "early" arrivals!

Cami Goodchild, a hobbit who never wears shoes

[ April 19, 2003: Message edited by: Child of the 7th Age ]
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Old 04-19-2003, 07:23 PM   #4
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1420!

Bada-bing!

It is logical that the sorts of recreational activities above would fit in with the fact that Hobbits enjoy a pint (before) and a smoke (afterwards).

It is also hard not to draw the obvious connection that someone with a great love of food should have a capacity for abundance in other areas of life that engage the senses.

Child also makes a nice point about the lush nature that surrounds these creatures. The green grass, the flowers, all this seclusion...

Hm, Maril, I positively need a pipe now.

[ April 19, 2003: Message edited by: Lush ]
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Old 04-19-2003, 07:34 PM   #5
Morwen Tindomerel
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Silmaril

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hobbits had a curious habit in their weddings. They kept it (always officially and very often actually) a dead secret for years who they were going to marry. even when they knew. Then they suddenly went and got married and went off without an addres for a week or two (or even longer).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What a very interesting and sensible custom! No fuss and no muss and the newlyweds can make the necessary adjustments without the well meant jokes and advice of their friends and family.

Tell me, do they have some kind of reception or celebration when they return to set up housekeeping?
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Old 04-19-2003, 08:30 PM   #6
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Quote:
What a very interesting and sensible custom! No fuss and no muss and the newlyweds can make the necessary adjustments without the well meant jokes and advice of their friends and family.
Now I find this Hobbit custom particularly peculiar. Even more than the shoe "thing", (having found that a brave dunedain wearing a smile, some boots and nothing else can be...)

Ahem...Anyway, considering the Hobbit's love of celebrations, I can't understand why the happy couple would pass up the opportunity to have some kind of public ceremony, since this would certainly be followed by a reception, and of course, lots of presents.

Perhaps the custom of giving gifts to others on one's birthday was thought to extend to one's wedding day as well. If that's the case, I can perfectly understand why a cash-strapped couple "just starting out" might want to elope. After a few generations of skipping out on the giving of "nuptuial gifts" to a plague of in-laws, everyone must have pretty much thown up their hands and resigned themselves to the "custom" of secret marriages.

[ April 19, 2003: Message edited by: Birdland ]
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Old 04-19-2003, 10:03 PM   #7
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Silmaril

Dear Miss Maril Eangorifurnimaluim,

I have just lately read your scandalous article in The Barrow Downs Gazette, and must inform you of the moral outcry that has arisen in the Hobbit community. From the farthest reaches of the Four Farthings, such indignation as has not been heard since one Thistle Thwipon of Bywater took off her dress in the midday to swim in the Brandywine River, has poured forth from the upstanding citizens of the Shire.

Therefore, Miss Eangorifurnimaluim, I am writing this letter on behalf of not only the Garden Club, but the entire Shire. We represent 11 different guilds (though not the Lollygag Guild, for there is no such thing and you are gravely mistaken if you even suggest that there is) when we call for a complete and total retraction of all the slanderous words regarding [here the ink is smudged] in the Hobbit community.

If you do not comply with our just request, we shall move the Mayor to pass a resolution to do something about it, and you don't want that, do you? Because, whatever it is, it won't be pleasent. In other words, no elevenses for you, young lady, until you publish a statement which falls under the moral guidelines adopted by one Fernious Hogswill. That is, the Garden Club motto: Prim, Priggish, Prude: Forever...Anon.

Yours Truly,
Lousewart Chastitybelt, Secretary of the Garden Club
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Old 04-21-2003, 10:12 PM   #8
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Quote:
Lousewart Chastitybelt
*Snorts and rolls over laughing*
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Old 04-21-2003, 10:43 PM   #9
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Tolkien

*is still laughing*

Oy, I would never believe I would have found out such shocking things about the Hobbits. Shoe fetishes you say? Very interesting. And, Morwen Tindomerel, I do agree. I think Bilbo and Frodo would have had their pick of the ladies. Maybe there is still a little Baggins running around out there...

By the way, good investigative reporting, Maril. I look forward to more. Any chances of doing a special on this secretive couple that were living in the Marish? I'm sure all the fanfiction writers out there would love to see that.... [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]
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Old 04-22-2003, 01:19 PM   #10
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Silmaril

Mistriss Maril,
I am not a great one for the letters, but I have read your letter and was vary upset by the aspershuns you cast on the Hobbit comunity. I wil not stand idely by and let you spaek of these 'hasty mariages'. We here in Bywater are a honourabel and god-feering lot, watever those Tooks and Brandybucks may get up to, never mind the Stoors and watnot. Are you by any chance from Bree? That miht explain your ideas. I myself maried less than a year ago, and the fact that it was dicided in a short time meens nothing. And I ashure you there is nothing odd about a child born at 7 months watsoever. My Cordelia was, as it happens. But thats by the by and I must some up by ading that I throw my suport behind Mistriss Chastitybelt, and I call for other desent hobbits to do the same. We culd do with less of you're sort around here starting rumurs. Their is nothing amis with my Cordelia at al.
Respectfuly, Letty (Letitia) Brown of Bywater

[ April 22, 2003: Message edited by: Lyra Greenleaf ]
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Old 04-22-2003, 02:51 PM   #11
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Maril! I've been wondering where you have been. Obviously busy working on your doctoral dissertation on the social habits of undersized mythological races. So, tell us all about graemlins...
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Old 04-22-2003, 03:36 PM   #12
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Maril,

Excellent work! I have read about Stoors wearing boots as well, but maybe they aren't afraid to go public with it, after all look at what some humans go public with [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img] EEK!

The hobbits that have a problem with hearing this are probably the same hobbits that are guilty of the 'charges' [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] LOL

Why else would you go 'away' to get married? That way no one can calculate when you were fooling around as compared to when your child was born. I from a hobbits point think birthdays are great, wouldn't a wedding be greater?

This was a really colorful, informative and fun thread! Thanks for your work and research Maril!! -(~<~> Yavanna

p.s. Garden Clubbers (lol clubbers) Don't be so offended, you do it too! hehehe. It's nature!

[ April 22, 2003: Message edited by: Yavanna Kementari ]
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Old 04-22-2003, 03:52 PM   #13
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Thank you Maril! I'm still rolling on the floor laughing...

Lousewart Chastitybelt? lol
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Old 04-22-2003, 04:52 PM   #14
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To discourage such nicely done antics from being repeated in the incorrect forum, I am placing this where is belongs and hoping that others take it as an example - something to strive for that is not a diary, list, or catalog.

Look for it in Mayhem.
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Old 04-23-2003, 03:36 AM   #15
Marileangorifurnimaluim
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Pipe

Such is the life of a doctoral candidate, researching in such the ever-popular, yet often dismissed as frivolous, topic of Hobbit sexuality.

Why even just this last month I sent an article on my findings to the prestigious 'Elven Hoard Journal' ~ 'publishing since the breaking of the world, younglings.' Alas, it was rejected on the basis of species, and Hobbit's lack of 'general relevance to Middle Earth.' They state that Frodo and Bilbo Baggins are "the exceptions that prove the rule."

I submitted the same article to Wizard's Weekly. It was rejected as being of mere 'prurient interest,' and I was politely referred to Olorin Publications as specialists in the the subject of Hobbit 'trivia' as they put it.

Ms. Chastitybelt has effectively blocked any publication of my work in Hobbiton, although Brandywine Press has released a first edition printing that has sold out. It is, however, only legally available in Buckland. One might note that the number of copies sold in Buckland exceeds the number of residents, hobbits, hobbit women, and hobbit children. One can assume the additional copies are going to Bree.

Now, the stodgy Borrow-downs Books has deferred me to 'Middle Earth Mayhem.' Athough not unexpected, it is most disappointing.

- Maril
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Last edited by Marileangorifurnimaluim; 03-16-2012 at 02:59 PM. Reason: tyo
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Old 04-23-2003, 07:12 AM   #16
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Dear Miz Maril,

Do you perhaps know if Brandywine Press is planning on a second printing of your article? I went to Bree, but could not find any.

Sincerely,

Master Oleo Chastitybelt

P.S. - I don't want it for myself. It is for a friend.

[ April 23, 2003: Message edited by: Birdland ]
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Old 04-23-2003, 10:31 AM   #17
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The Eye

Ms. Maril,

I truly admire your dedication to your work; this publication was very well done, informative, and tasteful, not at all the seedy, inappropriate writing the Garden Club accuses it of being. I respect your work immensely. Also, I am pleased to tell you that a few copies of this work have leaked outside the Shire, coming to the hands of avid Hobbit scholars such as myself. Let me assure you, the information is much appriciated.

I wish you well in all your endevors.

~~Berethiel of Rivendell
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Old 04-24-2003, 07:47 PM   #18
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Silmaril

This is intresting.... Odd, yet intresting. I never thought about any of that stuff being in LOTR before.... I think that's what makes it so great, you don't have to think about all that stuff.....
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Old 04-25-2003, 09:28 PM   #19
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Dear Miss Maril,

I am a representitive from The Dwarven Daily Journal. We have heard about your article (you have become quite well known up in Erebor for your 'Hobbit Studies') and would like to tell you that we are interested in reading and perhaps finding a place for it in The Dwarven Daily Journal!

Please contact myself as soon as possible, many residence have all of a sudden become more interested in Hobbits and any of your articles are on high demand!

Thanks,
Lerin Stonelegs of The Dwarven Daily Journal
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Old 04-25-2003, 10:20 PM   #20
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Dear Master Oleo Chastitybelt,

Thank you for your letter. In response to your inquiry, yes, Brandywine Press does indeed plan a second printing. Being a fairly small, family-owned business they have been a little overwhelmed by 'all the fuss' as they put it, and are taking a much needed (and well-earned) break. The second printing is expected to take place sometime next year.

Should you wish a copy sooner for your friend, Mr Lerin Stonelegs of The Dwarven Daily Journal has expressed an interest in publishing the work as a series over the summer. As the The Dwarven Daily Journal is readily available in the Shire, and the series would be published nearly six months prior to the Brandywine Press version, this is probably your best bet.

Unfortunately, at this time the illustrations will not be available in the Journal version, given some of the depictions of hobbits in the more exotic shoes. We are discussing the possibility of creating images that will appear with the proper words at certain times of the year. Mr. Lerin Stonelegs and staff of The Dwarven Daily Journal are quite interested in the technical challenge this presents. But we are not certain it is feasible just yet.

I hope this will suit. Should you require anything else, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely,
Marileangorifurnimaluim, Doctor Emeritus
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Old 05-21-2004, 02:08 AM   #21
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Up up it goes
With hope that it grows...
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Old 05-21-2004, 10:42 AM   #22
tar-ancalime
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Boots

I don't hold with all this talk of shoes and the like. It's not proper and a young hobbit might get ideas.

Now I have had about enough of these suggestions about us Eastfarthing hobbits and our boots. It is well known that we only keeps them for the spring rains and who could blame us? I listened to my stories as a young hobbit and even that nine fingered Frodo didn't much like putting his feet into slime and muck. I daresay if there had been some boots on that journey of his he would have put them on once or twice. Not that we like our boots mind you or that there is anything more to it than slime. We put them away for the summer as soon as may be. Whatever those queer Bucklanders who read your book may say about us plain folk, we take them off at the doorstep always and never wear them into the house.

You should know that if our wives happen to see us with our boots on and for dinner there should happen to be a large plate of our favorite mushrooms--well, that can't be helped. Mushrooms thrive in the muck as everyone knows. And it is well known that mushrooms make a hobbit sleepy and if we should go to bed early on those muddy nights there is nothing more to raise your eyebrows at. Even that nine fingered Frodo as you think was so fine would have agreed. So I'll have no more of this nasty talk about us in the Eastfarthing. It's bad enough your slander of the whole Southfarthing. I am starting to think your intentions are no good at all.

Hoping you never need YOUR boots,

Olgo Hornthrottle
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Old 05-21-2004, 03:52 PM   #23
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The Eye

My dear Marileangorifurnimaluim,

My, you have a long name.

At any rate, I would like to congratulate you upon your fabulous dedication to your work. Many investigators have been turned back by the judicious frown of a Hobbit. Your assets to the field of Hobbit studies have given the Royal Library here in Minas Tirith a major step forward in the subject of Hobbits, who, after all, became the most celebrated heroes of our time.

It is my pleasure to invite you to publish your writings, and any future discoveries you might have, in our news, the Gondorian Wing. We publish four times per year, and it is read by nearly every mortal in the Reunited Kingdom, a fact that we are quite proud of.

Again, thank you for youor contribution, whether you choose to accept our offer or not.

With Kindness and Honor,
Palin Toradin,
Head Bookeeper of the Royal Library of the Reunited Kingdom
Editor-in-Chief of the Gondorian Wing
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Old 05-21-2004, 04:36 PM   #24
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Boots

Ms. Maril,

Thank you for such an enlightening topic! Those old dish rags of a hobbit, especially Lousewart Chastitybelt and her cronies, have their noses so far up, they haven't noticed how they got children in the first place. Their poor husbands have had to visit my fine establishments many times, sometimes more than seems proper, but a hobbit has needs.
As for the 'friends' at Marish, they are outstanding members of the community, and whatever goes on behind close doors is none of anyones business. As for, how do you say?, the foot 'fettish', well, where else can you get such lovely feet but on a hobbit?
Please continue printing, and maybe the Garden Club will come to their senses.

Thanks again,
Daisy 'Rabbit' Fields
Frogmorten, Shire

P.S. Lousewart was seen entering the Green Dragon with another hobbit fellow, and didn't leave for 4 hours. P.P.S. She is supposedly against alchohol...
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Old 05-31-2004, 10:54 PM   #25
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Ms. Maril,

Let me first express my appreciation of your obviously studious nature. It is because of learned researchers such as yourself that the rumors flying about are righted and the truth can be revealed.

Speaking of such truths, I would like to be a part of your continuing research, if it is at all possible. You see, my "friend" Myrtle Green and I are currently residing together in Marish, and we are willing to let you interview us, should you be interested in hearing our side of the story. I'd like to show those persnikity old brown-nosers of the Garden Club what really goes on in the Shire.

Hildigard Goodbody
Marish, the Shire
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Old 06-07-2004, 07:03 PM   #26
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Dear Ms. Marileangorifurnimaluim,

I must say I have found your article wonderfully fascinating. As stated, little is discussed of the "birds and bees" among hobbits, and it is astonishing to note the amount and sorts of responses Brandywine Press received, along with a generally positive reaction in regards to the second printing. The Garden Club, of course, think they know much of political matters while many other hobbits will disagree. Respectability is a somewhat vague definition, and while I do not tend to support the idea of brothels, some relaxation is necessary once in a while, as well as the occasional reminder to do so.

Thank you again,

Clyryan Moresby, Editor-in-training for the Brandywine Press
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Old 06-07-2004, 09:31 PM   #27
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How on Middle-earth did this escape my notice the first time around? Maril, you are sorely missed.
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Old 06-08-2004, 10:51 AM   #28
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Dear Ms. Eangorifurnimaluim,

I write to you on behalf of our local Ladies’ Flower Club, hastening to assure you that there is no connection whatsoever to the Garden Club which has so vigorously opposed your research. I first read your article after finding it hidden under my son’s mattress when I cleaned his room. He was not surprised that I confiscated it, but seems puzzled that I have not punished him for having it.

You dare to speak in plain words of matters which, though a part of our daily life, are usually treated with secrecy and shame. By doing so, you have inspired me and a few friends to dare something we would not otherwise have ventured. You see, our Flower Club is named so for more than one reason; yes, we raise flowers in our gardens and are proud of them, but we also all bear traditional flower names.

In the past, we have drawn pictures of our most beautiful flowers, according to the time of year in which they bloom, adding the names of the months and days. These were given away as birthday presents and much admired by all. However, nearly everyone has one by now, and we must think of something new. I suggested in jest that the only flowers we have not yet portrayed are our own members, and this was greeted with more enthusiasm than I had expected.

The really revolutionary idea came to my friend Lilac after reading your treatise – she said that we should have our portraits done with something unusual enough to generate widespread interest – wearing shoes!! You can imagine how shocked many of the ladies were! They were afraid we would be thought disrespectable if we did such a thing. I was able to convince several of them already – we have volunteers from Afteryule to Thrimidge, but the rest are not yet willing to participate.

For this reason I would like to invite you to hold a lecture at one of our weekly meetings, hoping that they too will be inspired to join us in this venture. Please let me know when it would be convenient for you; you will be most welcome!

With cordial greetings,
Heather Twinkletoes

P.S. – We have heard rumours of an Elven shoemaker, Manwëolo Blahnikion, who creates such wonderful shoes that even hobbits find them irresistible. (The slogans “One Shoe to Rule Them All” and “The Shoe Goes Ever On and On” have become known to us.) Have you any further information about his creations and the place they may be purchased? We would be grateful for your help!
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Old 06-20-2005, 08:08 PM   #29
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Boots

It would appear that, after long and intensive study of the variant texts of the Redbook, recent scholarship has shown that Dr. Marileangorifurnimaluim based her work on a previously little known scroll now referred to as the S-Text, for its place of discovery, the Sackville Mathom House, although with the possibility of scribal error, the initial letter of the second word could in fact be 'B', as the text demonstrates considerable erasure at the end of this second word, leading to speculation that Mathom Houses were initially the Brothel Houses which Dr. Marileangorifurnimaluim hypothesized, creating further controversy over the possibility that hobbits swapped more than goods they no longer found a use for.

The study of Hobbit Letters is a most recondite subject.

Yours respectfully,
Prudence Pennyworth
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Old 07-13-2008, 01:57 PM   #30
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Hmmm.... Interesting.
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Old 04-16-2009, 07:49 PM   #31
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Diamond18 View Post
Dear Miss Maril Eangorifurnimaluim,

I have just lately read your scandalous article in The Barrow Downs Gazette, and must inform you of the moral outcry that has arisen in the Hobbit community. From the farthest reaches of the Four Farthings, such indignation as has not been heard since one Thistle Thwipon of Bywater took off her dress in the midday to swim in the Brandywine River, has poured forth from the upstanding citizens of the Shire.

Therefore, Miss Eangorifurnimaluim, I am writing this letter on behalf of not only the Garden Club, but the entire Shire. We represent 11 different guilds (though not the Lollygag Guild, for there is no such thing and you are gravely mistaken if you even suggest that there is) when we call for a complete and total retraction of all the slanderous words regarding [here the ink is smudged] in the Hobbit community.

If you do not comply with our just request, we shall move the Mayor to pass a resolution to do something about it, and you don't want that, do you? Because, whatever it is, it won't be pleasent. In other words, no elevenses for you, young lady, until you publish a statement which falls under the moral guidelines adopted by one Fernious Hogswill. That is, the Garden Club motto: Prim, Priggish, Prude: Forever...Anon.

Yours Truly,
Lousewart Chastitybelt, Secretary of the Garden Club
The things that happen to one's eyesight in old age. I reread this and could have sworn it was signed by one Lousewart Chastitty. tsk.

*makes note to bring this to the attention of Mr. Dark Elf, who has a sharp hand himself in such (letter writing) affairs*
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Old 04-17-2009, 11:04 AM   #32
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And I am still able to write Marileangorifurnimaluim without need to resort to copy-paste

Marileangorifurnimaluim (typed out)
Marileangorifurnimaluim (pasted)

Phew
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Old 04-21-2009, 11:42 AM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bêthberry View Post
*makes note to bring this to the attention of Mr. Dark Elf, who has a sharp hand himself in such (letter writing) affairs*
From the Desk of the Dark Elf

TO: The Hobbiton Garden Club
Post Office Box 13
3 West Road Lane
Hobbiton, The Shire


RE: Hobbitish Habits and Perrianathic Proclivities

Considering the invisible hand of non-ritualistic Catholicity permeating Hobbitish society, stiff as it is with a rigid class-system groaning with Victorian repression, one can easily ascertain among heaving Halflings who is on top and who is bringing up the rear (speaking from a purely societal sense). The sublimated Popery never swells to bulging proportions, as religiosity is neatly swept beneath the covers, but there is still a missionary zeal among Hobbits -- at least in the sense of the commission of one’s procreative mission, with no admission of dominant/submission, a glaring omission certainly in keeping with the stifled moral aspects of the priggish perrianath.

But roiling below the prim veneer of tightly buttoned weskits and brooding bustles is a nipple…I mean…ripple of kinkiness pervading the seedy underbelly of seemingly staid Hobbitish life. Is it any wonder that the mushroom, that most phallic of fungi, is worshipped by these habitual hole-dwellers? Of course, proclivities and fetishes stay as well hidden as the inhibited inhabitants ensconced in their undulating mounds, and a symbolic code – a language of love – has risen up among the Hobbits, representing a secret idiom that foils nosey outsiders, but is as good as a wink and a nudge to the knowing Shirelings. For example, there is the rather disturbing naming convention of some established Hobbitish families that vaguely resembles soft-core porn (Bilbo and Bungo, for instance), and the more pervasive naming of female Hobbits after flowers, who are, of course, pollinated quite regularly with fertile abandon.

Of course, there is the presence of ‘confirmed bachelors’ living under the same roof (which is perhaps where the ‘Queer Lodgings’ chapter from The Hobbit got its name), and the all too uncomfortable sequence of four male Hobbits cavorting and dancing naked on the Barrow Downs. To put it in terms that are not too explicit, Samwise had to marry Rosie Cotton, not because he knocked her up prematurely, but because the gossip around Hobbiton centered on Bag End (and if that isn’t a metaphoric name, I don’t know what is), and the odd relationship between the ‘gardener’ and his ‘master’. Talk about turning into something ‘unnatural’!

Keep up the good work, ladies. Stiff upper lip and all!

Sincerely,
Morthoron
The Dark Elf
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:04 AM   #34
Eruhen
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Pipe

Dr. Eangorifurnimaluim,

We of the editorial staff of the Bree-land Times only recently received the manuscript of your study of the procreative activities of the Hobbits of the Shire. While hesitant to name names, I believe that the delay was due to the propensity of a local publican to inadvertently forget to arrange the delivery of important missives.

Regardless of the long delay, we would be more than happy to arrange a printing of your findings for the Folk of Bree, both Big and Little. Breelanders have always been more open about such matters than the stodgy Shirefolk; there are several old jokes and bawdy songs about the matter of wearing shoes which have come down to us from time out of mind.

There would be a wide market for your work in the shops of the Bree-land, and I am certain it would also sell well to visitors from the East and the South who wish to learn more about the habits and proclivities of the Little Folk. If you wish, I could also arrange interviews with members of the Hobbit community of Bree and Staddle; several individuals have already come forward wishing to share their experiences and those of their distant relations off to the West.

Also, contrary to popular belief, this study has not been widely circulated in Bree. Less than a dozen copies have come to us from Brandywine Press, and those few copies only recently reached their intended recipients, due to the above-mentioned issues with the delivery of the post.

Respectfully yours,

Tom Fernroot
Editor-in-Chief, Bree-land Times
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