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Old 12-28-2004, 01:23 PM   #201
Boromir88
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Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.Boromir88 is wading through the Dead Marshes.
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1420! Translated text of the Entmoot, with times.

9:15 am- 9:35 am: Treebeard: Welcome to the Entmoot.

9:35 am- 10:10 am: Ent: Hi Treebeard.

10:10 am- 11:40 am: Treebeard: Hi Oaky! Glad you could make it.

11:40 am- 12:35 pm: Ent #2: What's on the agenda today?

12:35 pm- 2:30 pm: Treebeard: First is the welcome, which we just did. Then umm breakfast will be served, but it looks like we already missed breakfast so we'll just go to lunch....

2:30 pm- 2:50 pm: Ent #3: Who are they? oints to hobbits:

2:50 pm- 3:15 pm: Treebeard: They are hobbits.

3:15 pm- 4:20 pm: Ent #3: Hobbits? Never heard of a hobbit before, they look like orcs.

4:20 pm- 5:15 pm: Treebeard: They dig holes, and Gandalf says they aren't orcs.

5:15 pm- 7:00 pm: (all Ents say they agree)
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Old 01-02-2005, 09:42 PM   #202
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Okay Menel, we'll dump boiling oil on you FOR posting. Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa-ahem ahem *cough*

Anyway. This shouldn't mess with Meela's post, if she decides she wants to do honor to her Denny-Poo in this here thread.

_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_
*Scene: The White Highly-Accentuated-With-Black-Accesories City, more namely the Citadel of the Steward. Gandalf and Pippin approach the throne of the King*

Gandalf: The hospitality of your halls has sommat lessened of late, Denethor Steward!

Denny: Why...should I welcome you...Gandalf Stormcrow?

Imrahil: A just question, my leige. Late is the hour when the Grey Wanderer...

Gandalf: Wait a minute...this is all familiar...too familiar. Begone, foul Dwimmerlaik! Or Gandalf will not slay thee in thy turn! He will get you in a half-nelson and give you noogies until your brain lies open to the lidless eye...

Pippin: Eew!

Gandalf: ...and then he will get some termite larvae and...

Pippin: Gandalf, please, enough!

Gandy: Very well. How long has it been since Sauron bought you? What was the promised price? That you would pick your share of the treasure, and take the woman you desire?

Imrahil: What woman? We only have women in the first two circles of the city, in case we're attacked and don't want to risk expensive armor.

Gandy: Bah! Humbug! Get thee gone!

*And Imrahil fled the hall, and was never seen in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings again*

Gandy: Now, on to business...

_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_O_

Definitely a wierd post. No question about that.
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Old 01-30-2005, 08:58 PM   #203
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Skipping over the Denethor scene...skipping, skipping...lalala...

...so Meela can write it...lalala...


^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^

Scene: Outside of the citadel, Gandalf storms out with Pippin in tow.

Gandalf: All has turned to vain ambition. He would even use his grief as a cloak. *grumblegrumble* A thousand years this city has stood. Now, at the whim of a madman, it will fall. And the White Tree, the tree of me...I mean the king, will never bloom again. It's a very temperamental tree, and will only bloom if fed the finest plant food. Needless to say, Denethor is a cheapskate who wouldn't buy plant food for his own mother. I remember, I needed to borrow three silver pennies for tolls...

Pippin: Why are those *teehee* men with the *teehee* silly helmets guarding it then? *teehee*

Gandalf: They guard it because they still have hope. Plus there's a depression, and jobs are hard to come by.
Yes, a faint and fading hope is still there that one day, the Tree will flower. That a king will come and this city will be as it once was, and they will get a raise and new uniforms.
The old wisdom borne...

Pippin: Jason Bourne? He's cool.

Gandalf: ... ... ... no. The old wisdom borne out of the West was forsaken. King made tombs more splendid than the houses of the living, and counted the old names of their descent dearer than the names of their puppy dogs.
Childess lords sat in aged halls, musing on heraldry or in high, cold towers, asking questions of Encaitare.

Pippin: Who?

Gandalf: And so the people of Gondor fell into ruin. The line of kings failed. The White Tree was malnourished. The rule of Gondor was given over to *cough* lesser, weaker, stupider, not-me men.

Pippin: Oh look. Over. There. Mordor.

Gandalf: Yes, there it lies. Why they built Gondor so close I'll never know...

Pippin: Perhaps it's because Minas Tirith was built along with Minas Ithil to be a watchtower in case of the return of Sauron.

Gandalf: What? Who told you that?

Pippin: I believe YOU did.

Gandalf: Duhhhhh....oh yes. Glad to see you were paying attention, and not sleeping like I thought you were...*harrrrumph*

Pippin: Oh yes, I thought your discourse on femenine undergarments was very informative. HAHAHAHAHAEHHEHEEEEHEEEEHAHAAAAHAAAAAAA!! A CORSET! You are tooooo much, Gandy old man! HAHAHAAAAAA!

Gandalf: Drat.

Pippin*still wiping away tears*: Hoohoohaahaaa...hey look, a storm is coming...heehee...

Gandalf: This is not the weather of the world. It's a device of Sauron's making...oh forget it! I HATE HOBBITS! *he storms off*

Pippin: A corset..heehee...

^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^o^

Next scene would be the Crossroads. Here is the RotK EE script.
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Old 01-31-2005, 06:24 AM   #204
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White Tree

Gandalf and Pippin enter the hall.

Guard #1: Feet!

Gandalf and Pippin wipe their feet and walk forward.

Guard #2: Wait, body search.

Gandalf: Is it necessary? We’re here to stop the impending destruction of all mankind, not gossip over tea and cake.

Guard #2: We had some nutter in here the other day raving about death, doom, and a lack of toilet paper. We’re taking no chances.

Gandalf: I think you’ll find that was your Steward.

Guard: Oh…well, you’re clear. Approach him with caution and make no sudden movements.

Gandalf and Pippin tiptoe towards the far end of the room. Gandalf coughs loudly, adding some after-effects spluttering, and bangs his staff on the floor.

Gandalf: Hail Denethor, son of Ecthelion, Lord and Steward of Gondor, High Warden of the Crooked Mountain, and recent Official Juror of the Crackpot Committee. I come with tidings in this dark hour, and with complimentary cookies from Rohan, which are supposed to put some sense into your head. I’ll leave you a few thousand.

Denethor: Perhaps you come to explain this. Perhaps you come to tell me why my son is dead.

Denethor holds up a cloven purple teddy bear. Gandalf swiftly turns his snort of laughter into a bad cough. Denethor Glares Suspiciously™.

Denethor: Oh, uh… *snatches back the bear and holds up the cloven horn*

Gandalf scratches his head and looks away.

Gandalf: Uh, nope… no idea. We’re completely in the dark, aren’t we Pippin? *nudges Pippin*

Pippin: But you said he was dead. You said he was as loony as his dad and deserved everything he got- *whack* ow!

Pippin kneels before Denethor.

Pippin: You’ve got to help me, see how he treats me! Pleeeeaaase let me work for you. I’ll wash cutlery, I’ll cook, I’d gladly be a food taster… I’ll be in charge of your toilet paper supplies…

Denethor perks up.

Pippin: Pleeeaase, I’ll do anything!

Denethor: I wouldn’t mind having an amusing, pocket-sized court jester. Jason, you’re out of a job.

Jason the Court Jester gloomily packs away his hand puppets and leaves.

Gandalf: Get up, Pippin! *mutters* I’ll deal with you later… My Lord, there will be a time to grieve for Boromir-

Denethor: Who? *gleefully pokes Pippin with his staff* Look at him dance!

Gandalf: The enemy is on your doorstep! As steward, you are charged with the defense of this city! Where are Gondor's armies?

Denethor: Gone off to Osgiliath, I s’pose. They all love Faramir so much… and something about a chess tournament…

Gandalf: You still have… some friends. One or two.

Pippin: And me!

Gandalf: I was counting you in there. C’mon Denny… pal…you’re not alone in this fight. Send word to Théoden of Rohan. Light those candle thingies. Someone’s bound to see them.

Denethor: *snarl* You think you are wise, Mithrandir, yet you don’t even know that white went out of fashion six months ago. Do you think the eyes of the White Tower are blind? I know who rides with Théoden of Rohan. Word has reached my ears of this Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and I tell you now I will not bow to this Ranger from the North, one who refuses to bathe.

Gandalf: Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king, Steward, no matter how smelly he may be.

Denethor: *standing* No, it may not be so. But I can push my chair down that hall and bar the door with it!

Denethor sits. Gandalf pulls a rude face at his bowed head, then turns and walks away.
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'The Hobbit' 1st impressions: 1. Thorin is hot... Oh god, I fancy a dwarf. 2. Thranduil is hotter. 3. Is that... Figwit! 4. Does Elijah Wood never age?
2nd: It's all about Fili & Kili, really. 3rd: BARD! OMG, Bard.

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Old 01-31-2005, 10:35 PM   #205
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1420! A great post, Meela!

Quote:
Denethor: *standing* No, it may not be so. But I can push my chair down that hall and bar the door with it!
Worth all the wait.

I'll do the next scene. The one in Minas Morgul, ja?
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Old 02-02-2005, 08:08 PM   #206
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1420! Frodo in Senate-land.

Frodo, Sam and Gollum pull themselves up over the edge of the causeway and see Minas Morgul. It glows green in the darkness.

Gollum: The dead city. Very nasty place. Full of . . .

Sam: Dead?

Gollum: No! Don’t be a Legolasss! It’s full of politicians.

Sam: Must be that old Senate chamber Gandalf told us about. Don’t you agree, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: The motion is quashed! Senate Bill 3019 . . .

Gollum: Don’t be silly, master, imitating politicians. Let’s go!

Gollum approaches the City, followed by Frodo and Sam.

Gollum: Quick, quick, they will see! They will see!

Sam: This close . . . ya think?

Gollum leads them to the cliff-face on the North side of the Morgul vale.

Gollum: Come away! Come away! Look! We have found it. The way into Mordor. The secret stair. Climb.

Sam: It’s not that secret.

They look up to see an impossibly steep stair carved into the cliff face.

Sam: It’s just that nobody would be stupid enough to go that way.

Frodo turns back to the city. He stumbles toward it, past a pair of Silent Watchers and down the causeway toward the city.

Sam: No! Mister Frodo! If this way’s stupid, then that way’s for Pippin!

Pippin (from far away): HEY!!!

Gollum: Not that way!

Sam and Gollum scramble to catch Frodo.

Gollum: What's it doing?

Sam: No! He’s trying to pass new tax cuts!

Sam and Gollum begin to pull him back toward the stair.

Frodo: They're calling me.

Gollum: No! No more tax cuts! Sauron thrives on budget deficits!

Just as they reach the stairs, a great flare goes up from Minas Morgul.

Flash to Gandalf and Pippin and then to a group of Gondorian soldiers surprised by the flare.

Gondor Gary: If that ain’t a presage of impending doom, I don’t know what that is.

Pippin: I dunno . . . someone farted?

Gollum: Hide! Hide!

Gollum and the hobbits hide on the stair.

The Witch King on his fell beast flies up and perches above the city gate. The Witch King gives a long, piercing shriek. Frodo groans.

Frodo: I can feel his blade cutting off my pork barrel!

The fell beast bellows and the gates open. The Orc army marches out, followed by hordes of Faramir fangirls.

Gandalf: We come to it at last. The great drool-fest of our time.

In Minas Morgul the army marches over the causeway and past the hobbits. The stair hides the hobbits from their view. But as the fangirls walk past the hobbits’ position, they suddenly stop.

Faramir_is_a_hottie: *sniff sniff*

Faramir4evr: What is it? What do you smell?

Faramir_is_a_hottie: Puppy dog eyes.

Faramir4evr: But nobody’s hotter than Faramir!

All the fangirls: *SCREEECH!!!*

As they march on, the Witch King shrieks and flies over the causeway toward the mouth of the vale.

Gollum: Come away hobbits. We climb, we must climb!

Gandalf: The board is set. The pieces are moving.

Pippin: I wanna be the bishop.

Gandalf: I better make sure Denethor doesn’t send his son to fight. He’ll be mauled.
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Old 02-08-2005, 06:30 PM   #207
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Lé Crossroads

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

Scene: The unholy trinity are walking in a dense brushwood.

Sam: It must be getting near teatime. Please be near teatime...

Fro: Sam, we don't have any tea.

Sam: Well, it would be near teatime, if we were in decent places.

Gollum: Silly hobbit! We're not in decent places. Sméagol doesn't even have decent underwearses.

*Suddenly, Frodo stops in his tracks*

Sam: Mr. Frodo? What is it?

Fro: I'm hopelessly traveling to Mordor with a short, fat hairy man and a frog who doesn't wear underwear to destroy a small metal bauble. It's just a feeling, but I don't think I'll be coming back.

Sam: Don't be ridiculous! That's just morbid thinking, and won't do you any good at all. We'll be there and back again, just like old Mr. Bilbo. Did you like how I inserted a book reference into my speech just there, Mr. Frodo? I could do it again. Short cuts make long delays, but Mordor makes longer ones! Forgive the paraphrasing there, but I thought a bit of brevity might lighten the mood a tad...

Statue: Shut up!

Sam: Whoa! A talking statue!

Fro: Yeah. Wow. *he hides his "Learn Ventriloquism in Five Easy Steps!" book*

*The statue is not a pretty thing anymore. Where once a grand head stood, now stood a football emblazoned with the words "Go REd sOx"*

Fro: I think these lands were once part of the Kingdom of Gondor. Long ago when there was a king.

Sam: Really? Where did you learn that?

Fro: Oh, for fun I listened once to one of Gandalf's long discourses. Heehee...garter belts...

Sam: Hey, look! The original head of the statue! It must be a priceless relic. I wonder if we could carry it...

Fro: No!

Sam: But it would fetch such a price...

Fro: No!

Sam: *grump*

Statue Head: Hey, look! I've got a crown again!

Sam: Whoa! The head talks too!

Fro*staring*: Wow. Yeah.

Sam: They cannot conquer for ever.

Fro: Hey, that wasn't in the script.

Sam: I KNOW. ( PJ!)

Gollum: COME ON HOBBITS! It's this way, there's a clear path, COME ON!!!! *grumble* Do I have to drag you two? I thought you were in some sort of a hurry or something...*muttermutter*

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

The next scene would be Pippin and Gandalf discussing "The Deep Breath Before The Plunge", Pippin being sent to light the beacons, and the beginning of the battle in Osgiliath.
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Last edited by Oddwen; 02-08-2005 at 06:35 PM. Reason: Added something...
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Old 04-05-2005, 08:36 PM   #208
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Nearly two months later...

...Oddwen enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarassed at the sight of Nilp in a towel, she regains her composure and says -

"I think I saw a post back thee-eere!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

(Scene: Gondor, again it seems. Gandalf and Pippin are in their quarters, Pippin examining his new garb of the Citadel and Gandy smokin' on the porch.)

Pippin: So, this is just a costume, they don't actually expect me to wear this do they?

Gandy: You are in the service of the Steward now, Peregrin Took. You're going to have to do as you're told. *hack hack hack*

Pippin: Wait just a minute here Istari. You mean to tell me that I'm going to have to do some actual character interaction here? Serious stuff? It won't just be comic relief and moral support anymore?

Gandy *in a scratchy voice*: Ridiculous hobbit. Guard of the *hackhackhacck ptui!* Citadel.

Pippin: Riiiiight. And I'm going to have to wear this clown suit while doing it. That's perfect. *he pours a glass of water and comes to stand by Gandalf*

Gandy: *hack hack hack cough* Yes *haaaaooorrrrkkkkk coff coff hack* Oh, thank you Pip-*hack hack* *he reaches for the glass*

Pip(draining the glass): It's so quiet.

(Gandy glares through bleary eyes at the hobbit before leaning over the edge of the parapet and hacking up a hairball)

Gandy: It's the deep breath before the plunge, to use an obscure diving quote that you probably won't understand, you small-minded hole-digging sandy-haired dirt-grubbing gopher.

Pippin: I don't want to be in a battle, but waiiiting on the eeeedge of one I caaaan't escaaape is even worse. Is there any hope, Gandalf? For Frodo and Sam?

Gandy: Who?

Pippin: I guess not.

Voice from Below: Oh, man! Who dropped a cat off the Seventh Level again??

Gandy: Our enemy is ready. His full strenth gathered. Not only Orcs, but Men as well. Legions of Haradrim from the South. Lawyers from corrupt courtrooms. Mercerenaries, pirates, from the coasts. And fangirls from the dredges of Angband itself. All will answer the call of Mordor. *ringring* Oh, excuse me, that's my cell phone. I thought I told you never to call me here! Nada! Zip! I'll call back! Where was I? This will be the end of Gondor as we know it, and I feel fine. Here the hammer-stroke will fall hardest. If the river is taken, if the garrison at Osgiliath falls, the last defense of this city will be gone.

Pippin: Oh dear.

Gandy: But we've got the White Wizard, and that counts for something. Right, Pippin?

Pippin*humming*: It's the end of Gondor as we know it, and I feel fine...dangit, now it's stuck in my head!

Gandy: That isn't the best part.

Pippin: Oh? You mean, Frodo and Sam manage to destroy the Ring, Aragorn gets crowned king and there's a huge FEAST in that field over there?

Gandy: Sauron has yet to reveal his deadliest servant. The one who will lead Mordor's armies in war. The one they say NO LIVING MAN can kill.

Pippin: You mean, some orc who looks like a pink marshmallow? HAHAHAHAHA-ow.

Gandy: The Witch-King of Angmar, you pointy-nosed fungus-eating garden-raiding son-of-a-possum.

Pip: Which king?

Gandy: Yes.

Pip: Which?

Gandy: Yes.

Pip: What king?

Gandy: No, Witch King.

Pip: Which what king?

Gandy: Witch. King.

Pip: *stare*

Gandy: You've met him before. He stabbed Frodo on Weathertop.

Pip: ...Aragorn?

Gandy: That was an ACCIDENT. I mean the Ringwraith, Ulari, Black Rider *seeing no comprehension* The scary big person on the big black horse? *still nothing* Who nearly killed you all *nothing* The one Merry threw the mushrooms at?

Pip: Ohhhhhhhh!! The Scary Big Person On The Big Black Horse! What about him?

Gandy: *faceslap*


-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Aaand, the next scene would be Pippin lighting the beacons.
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Last edited by Oddwen; 04-06-2005 at 08:45 AM. Reason: I forgot the hairball!
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Old 06-29-2005, 11:23 AM   #209
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Sting Small sword +1

Almost but not quite three months later, Oddwen re-enters the scene. Shocked and slightly chagrined by the empty hall she sees there, she let's out a "Halloooo! Halloooo? Echo! Echo!"


-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

(Scene: Gandalf and Pippin are striding with some purpose to an unnumbered circle of the White City.)

Pippin: *whine* Are we there yet?

Gandalf: Shut up. *whack* I have another task for you, Peregrin Took. Another chance for the Shirefolk to show their uses.

Pip: What, taking the Ring to Mordor isn't enough? Being a servant to that Demented Wierdo isn't enough? Singlehandedly...well, almost singlehandedly bringing down Isengard isn't enough? Even being fat isn't enough for you, you greedy grabber?

(They now stand at the foot of the beacon tower)

Gandy: *gestures upwards*

Pip: Now that was uncalled for!

*Gandy grabs Pippin and throws him nine feet up the tower*

Gandy*shaking his fist*: And don't come down until you've lit that beacon!

Pip: Denethor's not gonna like this!

Gandy: Get going, or you'll see Gandalf the White uncloaked!

Pip: Yipe! *scramble scramble*

(It took longer than this tale takes to tell, of course, but after hours of scrambling, climbing, scaling, near slips, and murderous thoughs of a wizard, Pippin reached the top of the tower. Before him was a pile of wood, a cauldron of oil above that, and a torch yet above that. Pulling something out of his pocket, he does what he set out to do...)

Gandy(from below): Fool of a Took! I said light the BEACON, not BACON!

(A light of recognition [however faint] dawns in Pip's eyes at last, and he sloshes the oil over the wood, and the fire on that and stands proudly. Until his foot-hair catches fire)

Pip: AIIEEEE! *leap*

(Two seconds later, after he plummets to his death, he appears back on top of the tower with a confused yet terrified look on his face, and then climbs hurriedly down)

Denethor(from a high cold tower, where he had been asking questions of the stars): Snarl!

Meanwhile...

Beacon guard 1(morosely): Got any 3's?

Beacon guard 2(equally so): Go fish.

(And as the two play on with their game of cards, suddenly a hairy form rushes out of the doorway behind them and crams treefrogs down their throats!)

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

And the next scene (if any care to do it) would be the continuation of the Beacon Lightings, Orcs arriving at Osgiliath, and Theoden setting out.
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Old 07-03-2005, 03:35 AM   #210
Nilpaurion Felagund
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1420! Hi, Oddie!

Sorry about the lynching, and the whole towel incident. I might volunteer for the next scene--although I can't promise that I'll post is within a foreseeable amount of time.

Great. That means World Cup 3002 will have come and gone before he thinks of what to post.

At least he told the truth. Isn't that enough?
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Old 07-08-2005, 08:49 PM   #211
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Eye The orcs attack Osgiliath

(Another nod to Monty Python)

*Faramir is talking to a large group of Gondorian soldiers*

FARAMIR: Make sure nobody crosses the river until I come back.

SOLDIER #1: Right. We're not to cross the river until you come back.

FARAMIR: No, make sure NOBODY ELSE crosses the river until I get back.

SOLDIER #2: So we're allowed to cross the river?

FARAMIR: No, you're supposed to stay here.

SOLDIER #1: Until you get back.

FARAMIR: Yes. And make sure nobody crosses the river. Got it?

SOLDIER #2: Right.

*Faramir turns to leave*

*The soldiers follow him*

FARAMIR: Where are you going?

SOLDIER #1: We're coming with you.

FARAMIR: NO! You're supposed to stay here and make sure nobody crosses the river!

SOLDIER #2: Oh, right.

*Faramir leaves to check on the rest of the men*

*Orcs start crossing the river*

GOTHMOG: Quiet.

*The soldiers see this, yet do absolutely nothing*

GOTHMOG: Draw swords.

*The soldiers still don't do anything*

*The orcs land*

SOLDIER #1: Hey! You're not supposed to-AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
*gets killed*

ORCS: RARRRRRGH!
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Old 07-14-2005, 05:34 AM   #212
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1420! Finally!

Night comes and passes before the signal beacon reaches Rohan, where Aragorn sees it and runs into Meduseld.

Aragorn: The Beacons of Minas Tirith! The Beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!

Théoden remains silent. Éowyn stands beside her brother. Everyone waits for the King's answer.

Théoden: Uh, what?

All: *groan*

Aragorn: The Beacons? Y’know, the things built in case Gondor needs your help?

Théoden: What do they want now? Last time they lit the darned things, they were just asking for a cup of sugar!

Aragorn: I think they need more than a cup of sugar now.

Théoden: What?! Two cups?

Aragorn:

Théoden: What did I tell you about rolling eyes in my . . .

Éomer: The Sound FX man is making hoof beats. Someone’s coming!

All hold their breath as the door opens and reveals . . .

All: BOROMIR?!

Boromir: No, I’m not Boromir. But I’m wearing his clothes.

All exchange dubious looks.

Boromir: *clears throat* I’m Hirgon, and I bear this to present to the King of Rohan. *reveals something from under his cloak*

Théoden: The Horn of Gondor? No, thanks, Boromir.

Boromir: *tosses horn aside* Hehe. I meant this. *reveals some other thing from under his cloak*

All: *GASP!*

Théoden: The Red Arrow! In all my years as king I have never needed to spin it.

Aragorn (to himself): "Spin" it???

Boromir: But you know the rules, right?

Théoden: Yes. We go where it points.

Boromir: Very good, sire. *sets the Red Arrow on a table*

Aragorn: I thought the Red Arrow was supposed to be a token of Gondor’s need?

Éomer: Oh, get off it, Aragorn. Nobody gets help for free now.

Éowyn: Yes. We need the chance to escape from our responsibilities.

Théoden spins the arrow. It points towards Minas Tirith.

Some Old Historian: In all the years of the Mark, no one who has spun the arrow has ever needed to do his duty. Now tradition is broken. ROHAN IS DOOMED!!! *runs off into the wild blue yonder, tearing off his clothes*

Théoden: *shrugs* OK, so I’m a lousy spinner. I guess we have to come to Gondor’s aid.

The muster bell is struck. Men climb on horses. Théoden and company stride out of Meduseld. Théoden is talking to Éomer.

Théoden: Assemble the army at Dunharrow; as many men as can be found. You have two days . . .

Éomer (puzzled): Two days? Sir, I’ll have it done in two hours.

Théoden: Very well, then. On the third, we ride for Gondor. And war. *turns to Gamling* Gamling!

Gamling: My Lord.

Théoden: Make haste across the Riddermark. Summon every able-bodied man to Dunharrow.

Gamling: All twenty of them?

Théoden: What do you mean, "All twenty"?

Gamling: Sir, most of the able-bodied men are in Far Harad, working for those rich oil magnates. That’s why we had a great petrogold income this year.

Théoden: *sigh* Just get them to Dunharrow.

Gamling: As you wish, sire.

Aragorn is securing his gear on Brego. Éowyn joins him, leading a horse with her.

Aragorn: You ride with us?

Éowyn: Just to the encampment. It's tradition for the women of the court to farewell the men.

Aragorn (staring weirdly at Éowyn): Izzat so . . . ?

Aragorn walks over to her horse and lifts up the folded blanket, revealing a sword. Éowyn pulls it down.

Éowyn: So I’ll go off into Minas Tirith. Big deal.

Aragorn: Let me tell you a story: Once, some gal rode off to war. Her uncle found out and gave her such a spanking she can never sit down again for the rest of her life.

Éowyn: Is it true? Who did it happen to?

Aragorn: Nah, I just made it up. *rides off laughing*

Éowyn: So much for hope. But . . . he is still charming . . . *rides off after Aragorn*

The women and children of Rohan are saying good-bye to the men.

Woman: Don’t forget! I want an extra large pizza with all the toppings!

Rider: I won’t forget, mom!

Éomer talks to the riders.

Éomer: I guess this is the time I say something encouraging to you guys.

Silence

Éomer: Oh, let’s just go.

The Riders of Rohan, led by their King, leave Edoras. Merry, on a pony, rides with them.
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I think someone better than I should do the lighting of the more-than-seven Beacons.

Vy ze vay, I call dibs on Dunharrow. I have a special script for Rohan's "Army."
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Old 07-15-2005, 08:47 PM   #213
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nilpie
I think someone better than I should do the lighting of the more-than-seven Beacons.
Well if you insist!


^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Scene: Flying over the mountains, to Rohan we go

As the first beacon is lit, it is suspiciously soon followed by the next...and the next...and the next, all down the line. Alas, it was the last anyone ever heard of the brave Beacon Guarders, for they all were found months later in various poses of gruesome death.
Some were chok'd by treefrogs, and one brave Guardian's head was found, its face eerily white as the windblown snow it rested on. One body was still dangling from a makeshift gallows with the noose still about his neck, and yet another bore the nametag "Hi, I'm ____, Lynch Me!", which apparently had happened. In a hut, remains were found of human flesh boiling in saucepans...while in the snow around a man kneeling with his head in a frozen bucket of water there were evidences of some breed of large dog, which were not prone to wander to those high places. Investigators in later years discounted the deaths and they were officially said to have been caused by "Severe Windburn".



^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

Um, yeah...couldn't find a reliable script, had to do that from my poor memory.
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Old 07-15-2005, 11:02 PM   #214
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1420!

Quote:
Quote:
I think someone better than I should do the lighting of the more-than-seven Beacons. (Nilpie)
Well if you insist! (Oddie)
I guess someone did! Hi, Oddwen! Welcome to the Downs! Enjoy your stay here!
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Old 08-31-2005, 09:03 PM   #215
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1420! *bump*

We'd better keep this thing going. Otherwise my prediction might come true.

I don't have any ideas on the next scene. Can someone else take it?
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Old 09-01-2005, 08:09 PM   #216
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Merry: (Bowing.) "Theoden, may I join your service?"

Theoden: "Yes. Render me your sword."

(Merry gives Theoden his sword.)

Theoden: "Stand up Meriadoc Brandybuck, esquire of the Rohirrim." (Gives Merry his sword back.)

Merry: "Thank-you! May I have some pizza?"

Theoden: "We have not the time to make pizza. Our doom approaches at Minas Tirith. In short, it's time to ride."

Merry:"Oh."

Gimli: "I wish I had three thousand Dwarves with axes with us."

Legolas: "I wish I had three thousand Elves of Mirkwood with us."

Gimli and Legolas: (Simultaneously.) "But your people probably have war enough at home."

Eomer: "Lets get out of here!"

(The musicians start playing the William Tell Overture and the Rohirrim canter away."
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Old 09-02-2005, 09:39 AM   #217
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?!?! This is Osgiliath!

Whoa, don't click on Nilp's above link! Unless you want your eyes to be assailed by the Red "The" Of Dooom!

-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-

*meanwhile, back at Osgiliath*

*Faramir is running, running. All about him are Orcs and his fellow men. The men are dying. He runs through an arch, followed by the living...*

Madril: Faramir! Duck!

Faramir: Quack, quack!

*Fortunately for the Steward's heir, he triPs on one of the dead and goes sprawling as the Gondorian archers loose their arrows at the following Orcs*

Madril: We cannot hold the Orcs back! The city is lost!

Faramir: But surely there are a few brave men who...

Madril: BY THE NOSE OF THE LORD FARAMIR, RETREAT!

Various Soldiers: Ai, the command of the Nose! We are lost!

*Suddenly, Nazgûl appear, and begin to rake men from their posts high up in the towers and to subsequently drop them from great heights*

Faramir(nose pointed to the sky): NAAAZGÛÛÛÛLLLL!!

Madril: Please, please not a repeat of that scene from TTT...

*The Nazgûl swoop down towards Faramir, but are confounded and swept away as Faramir strikes at them with his nose*

Madril: ...What are you doing, my lord?

Faramir: I am *grunt* fighting a losing *swipe, screech!* battle, Madril!

*Finally, the Nazgies are confounded, giving the men of Gondor time to retreat for their horses. Alas for Madril, as he ran for his horse Mookie, an Orc steps out from behind a post and wounds him*

Madril(lying on the ground, wheezing): Ouch...pain...hey guys? Wait up! If you could just wait a second...ow...'tis but a scratch...

*Slowly, slowly the living approach. At their head is a pink monstrosity, a fearsome color amongst Sauron's army. After all, 'tis but a watered-down shade of red*

*Madril looks up from his vantage point with fear in his eyes, and the "Orc" stabs down with his blade*

Orc #7: My lord...that was his thigh.

Gothmog: Oops *stab*

Orc #7: That was his shoulder, lord.

Madril: Ouch!

Orc #18: Go for his vitals, his vitals!

Gothmog: *stab stab stab stab*

*Finally, Madril's chest was crushed and he could breathe no more*

Gothmog: The age of Men is over. The time...of the Orc has come.

Orc #82: Then what are YOU doing here?

Gothmog: *stab!* Punk.

Random Pink Orc: I love you!

Gothmog: Freak. *stab!*

-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-

End of side one. Please fast forward side one, and turn the tape over to side two.

Next scene is "The White Rider Coming To The Aid Of What Is Left Of The Army Stationed At Osgiliath", or TWRCTTAOWISOTASAO.
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Old 09-04-2005, 10:09 PM   #218
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1420! Re: The Red 'The' of Dooom!

Quote:
Whoa, don't click on Nilp's above link! Unless you want your eyes to be assailed by the Red "The" Of Dooom! (Oddie ex-Moddie)
Ugh. I thought it would only highlight the 'until the next World Cup' part. *shrugs* Highlighting is a tricky business, y'know?

I'll have to take the next one, 'TWRCTTAOWISOTASAO' did you call it?
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Old 12-24-2005, 10:40 AM   #219
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Eye Sorry about stealing it, Nilp, but I really needed to keep this thread moving...

*Meneltarmacil enters the thread, finding it full of cobwebs and smelling terrible. Rats scurry across the floor*

*Menel calls in several exterminators and a Toxic Waste Disposal Team*

Menel: Okay, I'd better get to work here.

*Politicians descend upon the Gondorian soldiers fleeing from Osgiliath, showering them with campaign flyers.*

FARAMIR: For the last time, I'm not going to vote for you!

POLITICIAN: I'll get you a lifetime supply of coffee if you do...

FARAMIR: Well, in that case...

GANDALF: *tosses Pippin at the Nazgul/Politicians*

POLITICIANS/NAZGUL: Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech! *fly off, getting as far away from Pippin as possible*

*Pippin appears back on Shadowfax, looking quite confused*

*dramatic music as Gandalf, Pippin, Faramir, and the soldiers return.

FARAMIR: They've captured Osgiliath and they stole all our coffee and doughnuts. I don't know how we're going to survive now.
*looks at Pippin*

GANDALF: This is not the first Halfling to have crossed your path.

PIPPIN: You've seen Frodo and Sam!

GANDALF: Where? When?

FARAMIR: In a non-canonical scene where some idiot director made me try to steal the Ring. If I ever see that guy again... Anyway, they took the road to the Morgul Vale.

GANDALF: Ah, good. The Morgul Vale. No problem ther- Wait a second. Did you just say "the MORGUL VALE?!"

*freaks out*

HORSES: Our backs are seriously hurting. Won't these guys get down already?
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Old 01-03-2006, 07:40 AM   #220
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lothlorien has just left Hobbiton.
Sting

Well guys I've never done this before but I'll have a go anyway

*Frodo Sam and Gollum climb up and up and still up quite a bit more until finally Frodo who has been busy counting of all the stairs they've climbed slipped on step number 10099 and almost fell*

Gollum: "Stupid hobbit almost falls to it's death why is Smeagol stuck with the idiot and his fat friend" in the distance

Sam "I'm not fat" starts crying

Gollum reaches out to grab Frodo and sees the ring hanging out of his shirt

Gollum: "Pretty shiney"

Sam: "Mr Frodo back you or I'll have a new ingrediant for my stew" and brandishing a large sauce pan he swings at Gollum who rolls his eyes and pulls Frodo up cursing all the while


Gollum: "Smeagol saves Master and fat hobbit attacks him"

Sam reluctantly puts away his sauce pan

Frodo: "We should have taken the elevator"

Sam: "There is no elevator Mr Frodo"

Frodo: "If there's no elevator than what's that" sure enough there is an elevator wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy down below

Sam: "Well that's a good lot of use to us down there now isn't it

Gollum: "Elevator is for politians only you need ID card and campaign benefits to use it" the hobbits start climbing again grumbling about unfairness and damn politians

Gollum: "Master carries heavy burden the fat one wants it for his own he wants to bargain with people on ebay for it tricksy that one soon he'll ask you how much it's worth you'll see" Frodo clutches the ring and glares at Sam who immediately says

"I'm not fatttttt"


well that's me done anybody feel free to take it from here the next scene should be the Witch King at Osgiliath then back to Minas Tirith seeya
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Old 01-15-2006, 05:42 AM   #221
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White-Hand Okay . . .

I promise I'll do the next one.

'I pwomise I'll da next one.' Haven't we all heard that before? Lynch him, I say!
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Old 01-15-2006, 04:31 PM   #222
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Wasn’t sure if you guys were doing the extended version in here, but I thought I’d pop in and see if I could do a scene anyway. I didn't want to step on Nilp's toes so I've skipped over the Stair and the Osgiliath bit.

Pippin: What were you thinking, Peregrin Took? What service can a Hobbit offer such a great lord of Men?

Faramir: Yes it was a little idiotic. I mean, you couldn’t fight anything but a strangely stunted orc and expect to win. Nevertheless, by the decree of my oh so sane father, you are to join the tower guard.

Pippin: I didn't think they would find any livery that would fit me.

Faramir: They couldn’t. But there is this fake one. It won’t stop any blows from killing you but it looks nice. Belonged to a very foolish boy. . .

Pippin: Oh it was yours was it?

Faramir: Yes, it was mi . . . wait how did you know? I didn’t finish the story!

[Pippin shrugs]

Pippin: And I’ll bet your father had it made for you too. Well, I'm taller than you were then. Though, I'm not likely to grow anymore, except sideways, though not as much as you have since then.

[They laugh, Faramir a little self consciously]

Faramir: Never fitted me either. Boromir was always the soldier. They were so alike, he and my father. Proud, stubborn even. But strong.

Pippin: I think you have strength of a different kind. *whispers to himself (I wonder if he bought that!)*

[Pippin kneels before Denethor in the citadel. Faramir waits hopping from foot to foot, desperate to find a bathroom.]

Pippin: Here do I swear fealty and service to Gondor. In peace or war, in living or dying, from...

[Gandalf whispers the next words out of the corner of his mouth and then whistles innocently]

From this hour henceforth, until my lord release me, or death take me.

[Denethor rises, smiling, and approaches Pippin. Smelling the remarkable odour that seems to follow Denethor around, Pippin began to wish death would take him right then.]

Denethor: And I shall not forget it, nor fail to reward that which is given. You will have cream cakes and custard pies in abundance!

[Denethor holds his ring to be kissed. Pippin kisses it while trying to hold his breath.]

Denethor: Fealty with chocolate, valour with apple crumble, [He looks at Faramir] disloyalty with spinach.

[Faramir shudders.]

[Denethor sits to eat.]

Denethor: I do not think we should so lightly abandon the outer defences, defences that your brother long held intact you lazy toerag.

Faramir: What would you have me do, oh subtle comparer?

Denethor: I will not yield thurriveranPelennor unfought. Osgiliath must be retaken

Faramir: Uh, well, I don’t know about the first place, but Osgiliath is overrun.

Denethor: My words are perfectly clear! If you do not understand them then why did you become a translator?

Faramir: I didn’t become a . . .

Denethor: Never mind! Much must be risked in war. Is there a captain here who still has the creme brulee – I mean the courage to do his lord's will?

Faramir: You wish now that our places had been exchanged. That I had died and
Boromir had lived.

Denethor: Yes, I wish that. He wouldn’t have lost me that ice cream factory.

[Faramir bursts into tears and runs from the hall shouting as he goes]

Faramir: It’s so unfair! Boromir always got to do everything first! And now he’s dead and I’m stuck with you, and you know what? You smell!

Denethor: Oh the pain, the pain! What will I do! *Shouting* I’m king you idiot! I can smell however I want!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yes ok I know that was useless, but at least I had a go right?
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Old 01-19-2006, 06:45 AM   #223
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1420! Just a short one . . .

. . . since I didn't want to do the Stair, and a sneaky Cobbler took over half of my scene ( ) . . .

~*~

The Witch-king surveys Osgiliath from atop some random building.

Witch-king: Okay, so we'll build my castle here, and then place a giant fountain in front of it . . .

Gothmog: Uh, sir?

Witch-king: What? What is it?

Gothmog: We need to take that city first. *points at Minas Tirith*

Witch-king: Hmmm, just send everything with hands to attack it.

Gothmog: Even the clocks and wristwatches, sir?

Witch-king (back to surveying his future kingdom): Uh, yeah, sure, whatever. Now, we put the amusement park in that vacant lot over there . . .

Gothmog: What of the Wizard?

Witch-king: We don't need wizards. Just get clowns, or better yet, jesters. With bells on their strange hats and all.

Gothmog: No, I mean the White Wizard.

Witch-king: Who?

Gothmog: The creepy guy wearing out-of-fashion white clothes, the one who threw a hobbit at you?

Witch-king: Ah, him. I have something very special planned for him. First, I'll drag out his entrails, then when I've ripped off his skin, I'll drain off all the blood.

Gothmog: Very good, sir.

Witch-king: I'll treat his body so it doesn't decay, then I'll stock it up with the rest of my doll collection. He'll go quite well with that old hag I found a few centuries ago.

Gothmog: Dolls, sir?

Witch-king (uneasily): Uh . . . uh . . . You didn't hear me say that, or I'll tell the whole world all about your parents.

Gothmog: *gulp* Mum's the word, sir.

~*~

. . . Uh, will somebody else do the Stair scene? I've already claimed the Muster scene (q.v.) and it's a bit inappropriate if I take too many scenes now. Unless, of course, you all disappear (like what Oddwen always does when nobody else posts. We love you, Oddie-poo. )
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:36 PM   #224
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Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.
Oddie wubs all you, too! Speakin' of the EE, let's try this for starters...



_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Gandalf(ignoring the fidgeting horses): Faramir, tell me everything, down to the last minute detail.

Horses: *whinny! pain!*

***Scene switches to the Citadel, where Faramir has just explained "everything" to Denethor***

F: ...and that's when I realized that I had too low of an SPF in my sunblock.

D: This is how you serve your city? You have two hitherto mythical creatures and the Ring of Power in your grasp and you let them LEAVE FOR THE ENEMY'S LAND?

F: I did what I judged to be right.

D: It's a good thing you're not judge of my jury, sonny! You should have brought the Halflings here, to be locked in a cage and laughed at, until the city burns and we all perish in the flames of doom. And the Ring, too, should have been brought here, not to be used but hidden, until the very very very very very very very very last moment, until everyone but me was dead.

F: I would not use the Ring. Not if I needed a chain to hang myself with and it was the last metal ring in the city.

D: So, you've changed your tune rather quick, eh? Boromir was at least honest, he didn't flip-flop about "bringing it to father" and "not using it".

F: Boromir would not have brought the Ring to you. He would have sold it, and bought ice cream, and eaten it until he was dead.

D: What do you know about this matter? Nothing! *he tries to throw himself at Faramir, but misses and hits his head against his chair. Looking up and rubbing his head, he sees a vision of Boromir behind the younger son*

D: My darling boy!

F: *strange look*

D: You've returned from dark places!

F: *tears up*

D: My darling, favorite, wonderful, handsome son!

F: You're hallucinating again, aren't you father?

D: What? *he stops hallucinating* Oh, it's you. Leave me alone, fool!

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The first stair part's been done, next would be the Stairs & Lembas scene.
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Old 01-31-2006, 05:46 PM   #225
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May I reserve the brief scene with Gandy talking to Faramir and Pip singing, please? Unless someone has a particular fancy for that scene then they can have it.
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Old 02-01-2006, 01:49 PM   #226
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Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.
Elfearz! Gosh, it's been a while, hasn't it?

o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o_o <(Looks like a whole row of shocked faces, doesn't it?)

Scene: Somewhere on the Secret Stairs, the hobbits and Gollum are resting. Sam is trying not to doze off, but seeing his two companions sleep, he finally succumbs.

Sam: SNXXXXXXX....

Gollum*muttering*: Finali3z, precious! Thought he would never...

Sam: SNXXXXXXX....

*Gollum sneaks into Sam's pack, fishing out SNXXXXXXXXX the lembas with an insincere touch. He then SNXXXXXXXXXgingerly breaks off a few crumbs, and sprinkles them on Sam's cloak SNXXXXXXXXX and greedy face. HeSNXXXXXXXXX then tosses the rest off the stairs*

Sam: SNXXXX...XXX....XX...*tosses and turns*...xXXxxxx...*rolls over the edge* AIIIIIIIIiiiiii....

*He then appears back on the ledge with a confused and terrified look on his face*

Sam: Hoo boy, what a dream! Boy, do I miss Rosie...hey, you Gollum! What're you doing, sneaking off?

Smeagol: Yes.

Sam: I'm sorry, you just...hey, what?

Gollum: Just kidding, precious. We weren't sneaking.

Smeagol: Yes we were.

Gollum: Shut up.

Smeagol: Uhh...we weren't sneaking. At all. Not one bit.

Gollum: But we're still offended.

Sam: Alright then, what were you doing?

Smeagol: Sneaking.

Gollum: Shut up!

Sam: *headledge* Fine, I'll leave you two alone. Mr. Frodo, wake up! We've got to get moving before I push a certain sneak over the cliff.

Fro: Mumblemumble still darkout fivemoreminnits...

Sam: Okay, then.

*five minutes later*

Sam: Mr. Frodo, it's been five minutes.

Fro: *whack*

*five minutes later*

Sam: Mr. Frodo, it's been five minutes.

Fro: *whack*

*five minutes later*

Sam: Mr. Frodo, I'm afraid I must insist that we get going.

Fro: I'M UP! Where's the food?!?

Sam: Now you're talking! *rummages around in his pack* Uhh...now we're talking... *rustlerummage* Uh-oh. It's not here.

Fro: WHAT? I mean, what? It's all we have left! How will we survive without the heartening effects of the elven bread, which would have given us strength as we relied more and more on it alone?

Sam: I don't think anybody knows that!

PJ: *snickers*

Gollum: *snickers*

Sam: HE took it! It was the Sneak, in My Backpack, with the Food!

Gollum: Meeeeeeeeee? No, it wasn't meeeeeee, precious, I don't like the stuff!

Sam: But...

Fro: He doesn't like it.

Sam: But...

Gollum: We can't stand the taste of it.

Sam: But...

Fro: He retches whenever he catches a whiff of it.

Sam: But...

Gollum: We breakes out in hiveses if I touch it, precious.

Sam: But...

Fro: He had a heart attack last time he tried to eat it, and we had to give him CPR, remember?

Sam: But...

Gollum: What's this, on his jacketses? It looks like crumbses, that's what it looks like!

Sam: So I'm a sloppy eater...wait a minute, I haven't eaten in...YOU LYING SNEAK!

*Attack of the Sam! It's ferocious, and Frodo tries to stop it by slapping them both, but suddenly he falls down in a dead faint*

Sam: Oh Mr. Frodo, I'm sorry! I didn't mean...I was just so angry...haven't eaten in days notthatit'syourfault...here, let me help...

Fro: No Sam, it's not that...I think I just saw Gandalf the Grey...UNCLOAKED!

DUN DUN DUN!!! *Random Downer prepares his neg-rep!*

Sam*muttering*: Oh for the love of...

Gollum: Where?!?

Sam: Mr. Frodo, you're hallucinating. It's that Gollum, and all the undue stress, and it's the Ring too.

Fro's eyes: *widen*

Sam: I could help, you know. Carry it for you. Shaaaaaaare the loooooooad...

Fro's eyes: 0_o

Sam*in slo-mo, surround sound, and some sick reverb*: Share the looooooad, shaaaaare the load, share the loooooad, shaaare the looooad shaaaare the loooooaaad, shaaaaare the looooad share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the load share the loooooooooooooooooooooad

*the echoes die away into silence*

Fro: O_O ... ... ......... ... .... .. . .... ...That was cool.

Sam: What?

Fro: I mean, get away from me!!

Gollum: Sees, do you sees? He wants it for himself! And then he'll UNCLOAK!

Fro*gasp*: No! Never!

Random Downer: Aww man, too bad you can't neg rep a post twice...

Sam: But he's poisoning you against me!

Fro: You can't help me anymore, Sam.

Sam: But I can! Look, I...I'm cheerful, I can lift things, I can carry things, I can carry you and It too! I'll do a puppet show every night! I'll write poetry! I'll dress like a girl! I'll do anything you want!

Fro: Go...

Sam: You can hit me if you want!

Fro: ...Home, Sam.

Sam: WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

*And as Sam throws himself sobbing onto the ground, Frodo takes Gollum's hand and continues up the stairs.*

Gollum: Pbblllblbbtttt!!

O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O_o_O

Meh. The proper environment for writing these is about two a.m.

Annnnnd, the next scene would be the one elfearz has claimed.
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Old 02-01-2006, 09:10 PM   #227
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Well, ill take the next bit of Cirith Ungol.....
__________________________________________________ _______________

Gollum: See, see! The tunnel....

Frodo: *doubting murmurs* ugh...I dont know....

G: Its the only way!

Frodo: Are you sure? There was that elevator too, and you said the stairs were the only way up. Is there a mine cart or somthing we can take to the other side?

Gollum: No! Only way...

Frodo: oookkkkkaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!

*Scene moves to Sam, descending the Stair*

Sam: Hey, its like Splash Mountain! Wheeeeee!

*Sam falls down about ten feet and theres a gross crunching sound*

Sam: .......

Sam: O wait, that was just Lembas...haha...

*silence*

Sam: Hey! I think I figured it out! Frodo dropped these on the way up and GOllum mistakened them for me eatin them! Ha! Wait till i tell Frodo!
________
DAIHATSU MATERIA

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Old 02-03-2006, 01:02 AM   #228
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Gandy: Faramir my boy! You fathers a nutjob... he's got a few screws loose, he's one elephant short of a circus or however that saying goes.... oh anyway, do not throw your life away so rashly!

Faramir: Where does my allegiance lie, if not here?

Gandy: *as he watches F. ride away* Your father loves you... He will remember it before the end. ...or he'll just try to kill you, either way. *shrugs*

*Scene switch to Denny and Pip*
Denethor: Can you sing, Master Hobbit?

Pippin: Well, I don't normally, but after I've had a few pints *giggle* then there was this one time Merry and I stayed up way past midnight *giggle* oh.. well we hobbits don't have any songs fit for such a steward as you *cough*

Denethor: (grimly) And why should your songs be unfit for me? Come, sing me a song.

Pip: I don't know very many songs

Denethor: I said sing me a song

Pip: I'm not a very good singer

Denny: SING ME A SONG

pip: uh... row row row your boat gently down the stream....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
nonesensical as always
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Old 03-06-2006, 09:57 PM   #229
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Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.
Scene: Dunharrow, & the mustering of the troops.

^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^

(Theoden and his entourage ride up the winding way to Dunharrow, trampling down any in their way)

Random Rohirrim: *blowing a kazoo* Make way for the King! The King! The King is - *RR is trampled*

Random Rohirrim 2: Hail, sire, hail!

Theoden: Yes I am, hale and hearty. Grimbold, how many men were you able to recruit?

Grimbold: There are five hundred men from the Westfold, sir.

Random Rohirrim 3: And I bring three hundred from Fenmarch!

Theoden: That makes...um...seven hundred and fifty riders. Where are the riders from Snowbourne? Where is the kazoo that was blowing?

RR3: They have passed like a wind on the mountain, sire. However, from each village I came to, for each man there were three fierce women armed to the teeth and ready to fight.

Theoden: You turned them away, of course?

RR3: Yes, of course sire! Imagine, a woman in battle! *they both laugh*

(Theoden and Aragorn continue upwards to the tents of the Truly Important People. They stand and survey the troops gathered below, near the For Important But Only In A Small and Insignificant Way People Camp)

Theoden: Six spears. Only a third of what I'd hoped for.

Aragorn: Er...that won't be enough.

Theoden: More will come.

Aragorn: Every hour that passes hastens Sauron's advancement. We have to ride at dawn.

(Suddenly, a horse snorts in terror and rears up. A Random Rohirrim [no. 843] is thrown upwards and over the mountain with a fading shriek)

Legolas: The horses are restless and the men are quiet. The sun is going down behind the mountains. We are very high up. The air has oxygen in it. I am annoying people. Gimli has a beard. Aragorn smells.

Eomer: They are restless in the shadow of the mountain.

Gimli: That road there, that creepy one, where does that lead, and why are we so near to it?

Legolas: It is the road to Dimholt, the door under the mountain. That means that there's a door under the mountain, and that road leads to it.

Eomer: None who venture there ever return. The mountain, road, and door are EEEEEVIL.

Howard's Score: *DUN DUN DUN!!!*

Gimli: How many people have ventured the road?

Legolas: And the door under the mountain that is at the end of the road leading to the door in the mountain that is at the end of the road?

Eomer: One.

Gimli: Oh. You're right, it's obviously a danger to whomever attempts the road...and the door at the end.

(Aragorn peers at the road. He stares so hard that his eyes begin to water. Something green and venomously vaporous appears from behind a rock and shakes its fist at the smelly Ranger. It opens its mouth and would say something except - )

Gimli*punching Aragorn in the kidney*: Hey!

*Aragorn says 'Oophfff!' and doubles over onto the ground*

Gimli: Two for flinching! *kicks Aragorn in the head twice* Let's go find some food.

(Aragorn lifts his head, and with watering eyes he surveyed the Evil Road Leading To the Door Under the Mountain At the End Of the Road Leading To the Door Under the Mountain, but the green apparition is nowhere to be seen. Painfully, he crawls after Gimli and Legolas)

^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^T^

Annd, the next scene is Eowyn readying Merry for battle.
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Old 05-28-2006, 12:57 PM   #230
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Right, a few stats:

Revenge of the Entish Bow: Started 1/08/2003, finished 4/18/2003 = approx. three months, ten days

Reunification of the Entish Bow: Started 7/09/2003, finished 5/11/2006 = approx. two years, ten months, two days

New Movie Script: Started 6/15/2003, still going 5/28/2006 = approx. two years, eleven months, eighteen days

This page of the NMS: 12/18/2004, still going 5/28/2006 = approx. one year, five months, ten days

Ladies and corpses, do we have a record? Should we start "The Hobbit Script", or would that fall into oblivion worse than this has?

I know not where this should fit exactly, make of it what you will:

)8)8)8)8)8)8)(8(8(8(8(8(8(

Scene: Somewhere on the border of Rohan and Gondor

*Theoden and the army of Rohan gallop onwards, suddenly Theoden holds up his hand to stop*

Theoden: Hold it! Back up a few feet! (The army grumbles and wonders, but does so)

Theoden: Now ride forward a bit! (They do so)

Eomer: What are you doing, my lord?

Theoden: You don't hear that?

Eomer: Uh, what, the army muttering behind your back?

Theoden: No, listen!

*everyone does so*

Theoden: You honestly didn't hear? Back up again! (The army does so)

Theoden: Now forward. (They do so)

Eomer: My lord, time grows short, what are you talking about?

Theoden: You honestly don't hear that? Back up again! (The army does so)

Theoden: Back here, you can hear the Rohan theme, hardic fiddles and what-not, while here (The army moves forward again), it's trumpets and the theme for the White Tree of Gondor!

The Army: *stare*

Theoden: The theme music is switching! That means that we've passed over into the Realm of Gondor! I always loved going across the border when I was younger...used to drive my Dad crazy when I'd back the whole cavalcade up. Now here we go, to battle and a red dawn, ONWARD!

*The William Tell Overture plays, and the army gallops forward muttering to itself angrily*

Howard Shore: That man drives me CRAZY!!
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Old 05-30-2006, 11:37 AM   #231
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Sting

The men have all stopped for the night to camp as they sit around thinking their deep thoughts Eowyn readies Merry for battle

Eowyn: There you go hobbit you look like any old smelly man of Rohan * while Merry considers whether this is a good thing or not Eowyn hands him his helmet*
Make sure you rest well tonight as I'm afraid my uncles time wasting earlier today at the border has put us behind a bit

Merry: Do I have to wear that thing

Eowyn: What's wrong with it *glances at helmet*

Merry: Well it's just there so ugly

Eowyn: My uncle chose these helmets

Merry: Why couldn't he choose something that wasn't quite so bad *looks at the helmet and sighs*

*Eowyn steers him around and points outside the tent to a random soldier you have to have read make your own crazy scene with pics to get this* It could be much worse you could look like him

Merry: AH NO WHAT IS IT RUN AWAY!!!!!!!

Eowyn: It's the earlier design for the helmets you could be wearing that yourself
*Merry stares in horror at the soldier in the hideous helmet before him*

Merry: This ones fine *puts it on and pulls out his sword almost getting her with it*

Eowyn: I thought that thing wasn't suppose to be sharp

Merry: Who said it wan't sharp

Eowyn: Never mind get to the smithy and have him check it over *they exit the tent Merry starts away looks once at the man in the helmet shudders and keeps walking*

Eomer: You shouldn't encourage him he might follow us which means the other one might come too *he and Gamling both shudder at the thought of Pippin*

Eowyn: You shouldn't make assumptions

Eomer: I'm not I happen to have heard it from a very reliable source that the other one is a painstaking burden

Eowyn: Who has told you this *at that moment Aragorn who is standing nearaby starts away whistling*

Eowyn: Why shouldn't he be allowed to bring his friend with him if he wants to *Eomer stands to face her*

Eomer: Don't joke about such things you know nothing of this friend he could be the ruin of all merry doesn't come *she stands there looking upset*

Eowyn: Well you have ugly messed up hair *Eomer and his men gasp in horror and pull our their mirrors at this as she storms away*


ok someone else feel free to take over you should be up to Aragorns dream about Arwen and Elronds surprise visit

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Old 07-01-2006, 07:30 PM   #232
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(Aragorn dreams that Arwen is lying unconscious.)

Arwen: (v.o) "I choose a mortal life, especially since Elrond is so cranky. Too bad I'll never see Aragorn again." (Cries.)

(Aragorn sees the Evenstar pendant fall and shatter in six hundred thirty five pieces. He awakes with a start, brandishing a pike.)

Aragorn: "Qui va la?"

Guard: "Eh!"

Aragon: "Pardon me! It's French for 'Who goes there?'"

Guard: "Your French is dreadful my lord. It should be ‘Pardon’ and it means ‘excuse me.’ Lord Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of Arador, Theoden King of Rohan, son of Thengel, son of Fengel doth desire your presence in his tent."

Aragorn: "I shall perambulate over posthaste."

Guard: "Wot!"

Aragorn: "I'll walk over to his tent!"

Theoden: (Pointing to a hooded and cloaked figure.) "Do you have any idea who this cranky old man is?"

Aragorn: "Elrond."

Theoden: "Do you know him?"

Aragorn: "Know him? Nah! He's only the father of my betrothed and my foster father."

Theoden: "I beg your pardon, sir."

Aragorn: "My foster father!"

Theoden: "Sir, I understood every word you said. I was just begging your pardon for asking a question that apparently annoyed you."

Aragorn: "Who, me, annoyed? Inconceivable!"

Theoden: "I shall take my leave, sir"

Aragorn: "It's none of my business what you do with your leave, Theoden."

(Theoden walks out shaking his head.)

Aragorn: "Greetings and salutations, lord Elrond of Rivendell."

Elrond: "Quit standing on ceremony!"

Aragorn: "Where is it? I don’t see it anywhere."

Elrond: “Where is what!”

Aragorn: “Ceremony.”

Elrond: “Quit acting so stuck up! It would be a compliment to call you a moron, you smart-mouth brat!”

Aragorn: “Yo, what’s up, Elrond?”

Elrond: "Arrgh! Arwen is sick in bed, Elfstone!"

Aragorn: "Unconscious?"

Elrond: "How did you guess that?"

Aragorn: "From her posture."

Elrond: "What are you talking about?"

Aragorn: "I saw her in my dream before the guard summoned me here."

Elrond: "Arwen is dying."

Aragorn: (Under his breath.) "Figures with the way he treats her."

Elrond: "What did you just say?”

Aragorn: "Figureswiththewayhetreatsher!"

Elrond: "Are you implying that I am less than a good father to my daughter?"

Aragorn: "No. I am explicitly stating so."

Elrond: "Don’t be contrary with me! She will not long survive the spreading evil of Mordor because Sauron has tied her fate to that of the Ring."

Aragorn: "One those not walk into Rivendell and tie my betrothed’s fate to an inanimate, or semi-inanimate object actually. Rivendell is guarded by Vil..."

Elrond: (Covering Aragorn’s mouth.) “You mustn’t speak of such things. The Shadow is upon us! Doom is come!”

Aragorn: “It’s his doom that’s coming.”

Elrond: “I wish I could share your optimism but I’ve been around a lot longer than you. You know Sauron is marching on Minas Tirith…”

Aragorn: “I had no idea.”

Elrond: “Shut up! This is serious! Sauron AKA Annatar AKA Artano AKA Aulendil AKA Gorthaur, who calls himself Lord of the Earth, is also attacking Minas Tirith via the Anduin River from the south with a fleet of black-sailed Corsair ships. They shall arrive at Minas Tirith in two days.”

Aragorn: “If Sauron himself is marching to Minas Tirith that means he has the Ring and we’re doomed.”

Elrond: “I was talking about his armies coming from Mordor! You need more men.”

Aragorn: “There are none.”

Elrond: “What! What about the men of Lossarnach?”

Aragorn: “They got lost.”

Elrond: “What about the men of Ringló Vale?”

Aragorn: “They went to a Beatles concert.”

Elrond: “What about the men of the Paths of the Dead?”

Aragorn: (Gasps.) “They are loyal to nobody, not even the Dark Lord! Are you nuts?”

Elrond: “They will answer to the King of Gondor.” (Pulls out Anduril.)

Aragorn: “You wouldn’t murder your daughter’s betrothed, would you?”

Elrond: “Stop your fretting! This is Anduril, Flame of the West, forged from the shards of Narsil and it’s all yours!”

Aragorn: “At last! Yippee! (Sings:) You will curse the day you did not do all that the Elfstone asked of you!”

Elrond: “The new patented E@E process is ten times stronger than the nearest competitor and resists corrosion five times better than Rustbegone and the five year limited warranty gives you the confidence you need to defeat the Dark Lord!”

Aragorn: “Speak the speech, I pray you, trippingly on the tongue as I pronounced it to you. But if you mouth it, like many of your players do, I had as lief the town crier spoke my lines.”

Elrond: “Put aside the bad attitude. Become who you were born to be! Take the Dimholt Road.”

Aragorn: “Feed a cold,”

Elrond: “Starve a fever. Good-bye.”
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Old 07-29-2006, 07:28 PM   #233
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Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Oddwen is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.
Scene: The camp. Aragorn is leaving in Middle-night for the Paths of the Dead.

)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)

Aragorn: *muttermutteryawn* Stupid Paths, don't know why the Dead would follow me, I haven't exactly chosen to accept my destiny as king yet...

Éowyn: Hey!

Aragorn: AHH!

Éowyn: Why are you packing up? The war's to the East! MY LORD, WE HAVE A DESERTER HERE MMMMMMMMMMPH!!

Aragorn: Shh! I'm not deserting! I'm just getting the Angband outta here!

Éowyn: And the difference is...?

Aragorn: Why are you here anyway? Shouldn't you be asleep?

Éowyn: I was stalking you...er, couldn't sleep and decided to follow you...er, I mean, I'm taking a walk.

Aragorn: Cute, real cute. Too bad, I've got a fiancée. She may or may not be dying, but a fiancée all the same.

Éowyn: I don't wanna marry you, who said anything about marriage? *wink*

Aragorn: *drool* No, no no, her father would kill me...I cannot give you what you seek, Éowyn. Anyway, it's only a shadow and a thought that you love.

Éowyn: I thought your shadow was pretty fine. *pout*

Aragorn: *drool* Ahhh haa muhhhhhhhhh...uh, I gotta go bye. Don't worry, be happy. Don't go after the host either, even if I have crushed all your hopes and you wish to die, or you'll be in big trouble.

(Éowyn wails and runs away. Aragorn watches her with glazed eyes, but then turns to go)

Aragorn: *sigh* Well, c'mon Brego, let's go rouse the zombies...AHH!

Gimli: Where are you going, you deserter? ALERT, ALERT, DESERTER AAAGH!!

Aragorn: For the last time, I'm not deserting! And you can't come with me.

Legolas: Yes he is.

Aragorn: AHH! Is everyone following me tonight?

Gandalf(behind a rock): No.

Théoden(behind a tent): No.

Eöl(behind a rock): No.

Finarfin(behind a tent): No.

Varda(behind a star): No.

Sauron(in the Palantir): No.

Arwen(behind a spear): No.

Celeborn(behind Brego): No.

Boromir(from Aragorn's saddlebag): No.

Eärendil(from Vingelot): No.

Éowyn(in plain sight): I am.

All: Go back to bed!

Aragorn: You guys cannot come with me.

Legolas: Have you learned nothing of the stubbornness of Dwarves?

Aragorn: Yes.

Legolas: Wait...which?

Pippin(behind a horse): We're going, or you'll have to tie us up in a sack to stop us!

Gandalf: Fool of a Took!

Pippin: I mean...they're going with you.

Aragorn(throwing his hands up): I'm outnumbered, fourteen to one!

Sauron: Actually, thirteen. I don't want them to go. The less, the best as I say!

Celebrimbor(in a hole): Is that why only One master ring was made?

Féanor(next to Eöl): That's why I never made any single item. If my only item were lost, I'd be doomed!

Sauron: Shut up!

Gothmog the Balrog(behind a small moon): You managed to be doomed pretty well, considering.

Fëanor: Well, I wasn't just going to kill one of my kin. It would go against my entire philosophy! The more the merrier, I say!

Sauron: That's not what I say.

Fëanor: Just who taught *you*?

Aulë(behind the mountain): I did!

Aragorn: ARGH! *He charges off wildly, followed by Legolas and Gimli. The rest of the crowd gets into a huge argument about Silmarils*

)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)i)

Next scene is Théoden and Éowyn's discussion before he leaves.
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Old 08-03-2006, 09:06 AM   #234
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Sting

*Éowyn stands alone with her arms crossed, looking into the distance, her face perfectly still in deep thought.*

Eowyn: "What does he mean his shadow...Shadow heh, it is more than a shadow I care for". The sun rises. Théoden approaches.*

Théoden: "Ah Eowyn I left insturction with those not riding towards death and despair. The people are to follow your rule in my stead. It's quite fun you wouldn't believe the crazy things soldiers will do if you ask them" *he smiles fondly*. "Like the ones I had them go spy on that pesky Boromir heh heh he's a crazy one".

Boromir: from off in the distance "Hey I did hear that you know"

Theoden: "Hmm whatever happened to those guys...I don't think they've returned yet"...."Wait wasn't Boromir hiding in Aragorns saddlebag?" "Then where are the soldiers I sent after him?" *at that moment 6 soldiers come up practically dead on their feet*

Soldier: "King Theoden sir we have tracked the Lord Boromir throughout his journey

Theoden: "What why are there only 6 of you?. Where are the rest?"

Soldier: "Most of our number tragically died in an incident including a very scarey drop over a waterfall" *sudden flash back of them plunging over the water fall after Boromir* "Sir we believe he's dead"

Theoden: "Oh is he really?". "Then what do you call that riding away with Aragorn and the others?". "Go on get after them I haven't said you could stop tracking him yet" *they all groan but get up and start at a amazinlgy slow pace after them*

*Eowyn coughs to get Theodens attention again* Oh as I was saying long may you defend Edoras if the battle goes ill which it probably will. *Eowyn looks at him in surprise*

Eowyn: "Do you really think it that hopeless?"

Theoden: What? With Eomer taking a lead, that idiot will be the death of us all him and his stupid delivery trucks...I mean I have complete faith in the man even if he is...a little enthusiastic". *they both look over at Eomer who is practising intimidating facial expression's and shake their heads as they hear* "Are you looking at me...Are you looking at me".

Theoden: "Take up my seat in the Golden Hall...it needs a serious woman's touch as I fired the cleaning lady quite a while ago"

Éowyn: (blankly) What other duty would you have me do, My Lord?

Théoden: *Turns to Éowyn and takes her hands.* "Duty? Well now you mention it..." *Éowyn cuts him off quickly then forces a tiny smile* "Don't grieve for those whose time has come". *He cups Éowyn's head in his hands and brings her forehead to his.* "You shall live to see these days renewed. No more despair....Although I expect some grief if my unfortunate death does arrive in this battle". "And make sure no one tries to follow us I mean we can't have some silly woman follow us into battle now can we"

*He walks away leaving Eowyn considering this suddenly a lightbulb appeared above her head. 'If she followed them she could go into battle. and if she could go into battle, she could fight. And if she could fight she could prove she was as brave as any man. And if she could prove she was as brave as any man she could show up Aragorn and if she could show up Aragorn she'd feel better about not being with him...YEAH' she smiled and whistling innocently started towards the men's armour tent*.

Well that's this bit done the next scene is Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas on the road to the paths of the dead.

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Old 11-10-2006, 09:25 PM   #235
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Two months later, Oddwen enters...ah, you know the drill.

Dang...it's been too long. I don't even remember the order of of the original script. 0_o; And I was watching FotR today (at my Dad's behest, I had naught to do with it), and I was remembering scenes from the book and wondering why they were missing in the extended edition...sheesh. Time to re-read.

_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_9_

Scene: Uh, lemme check...the road to the Dimholt.

(Dwarf, Ranger and Elf are on two horses riding towards the Door through the mountain.)

Aragorn: I can't help but think I should have a host of my kin at my side...

Legolas: War marches on their borders as well.

Gimli: Th-this is spooky. So tell me Aragorn, because half the audience needs some backstory, why does an army linger in such a place?

Legolas: The people who used to live here were afraid of wizards. So one day, when it rained and the sun and moon were out at the same time, they tried to burn the two village wizards Palatar and Allando, but they exploded killing everyone within 7.2 miles. They became vengeful spirits waiting for anyone to come through with musical instruments, for a gentle lullaby is the only thing that can give their souls rest.

Aragorn: What?

(Gimli swallows and nonchalantly throws away his lute and tuba)

Aragorn: Uh...no. Actually, the people of these mountains were supposed to fight for Isildur, they didn't, he cursed them, blah-blah-blah, me being the only heir of Isildur left, I'm the only one who can release them from their oath. Not that I've actually accepted my destiny yet, mind.

Legolas: Not the way my mommie told it to me.

(They reach the end of the road and the beginning of the door. The doorway is dark, and stick figures are everywhere.)

Gimli(flapping his arms): Brrr! My very bones are chilled!

Legolas(reading the symbols): "See Jané run. Run run run. See an orc chase Jané. Chase chase chase."

Aragorn: "The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut." Actually, it looks open, so let's go in.

Horses: Neigh! Fear! Run away!

Gimli: Nooo! Take me with youuuuuu!

Mysterious Voice from Within the Cavern: Whoo! Boogie-boogie-boogie!

Another Voice: PEEVES!

Aragorn: I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

(Legolas steps forward so he's firmly in the camera eye and smiles dashingly. With a spring in his step, he follows Aragorn in.)

Gimli: This is a thing unheard of! An elf will go underground and a dwarf dare not! Ooooh, if I don't go in, Aragorn will probably tell the elf he tossed me, ooohhh... *he stamps his feet and runs in as quickly as he can * Hey guys, waiiiiiit for meeeee!!

-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-q-

Scene: Back in Dunharrow. Merry has just expressed the desire to go fight with Theoden.

Men of Rohan: BAW-HAW-HAW-HAW!!

Merry: No, really!

Theoden(wheezing): We need big strong men to fight, not people who might get underfoot and stab someone behind the knee by mistake. Sorry, Holbytla.

Merry: But I want to kill someone. I...I have to kill someone. I...I NEED to kill someone. *he fingers the strange, otherworldly weapon in his pack as his eye begins to twitch*

Theoden: Little hobbits do not belong in war. They belong in the field, or in the pub, or in the kitchen doing dishes. Or wait, that one's about women. No matter. Women and hobbits can't fight, everyone knows that.

Merry: But all my friends went! I'll be a laughingstock!

Theoden: If your friends all jumped off the Tower of Ecthelion, would you jump too? Besides, we might all die anyway. You have my permission to fight if someone attacks back here. And that's all I have to say about that.

(Merry pouts as the men of Rohan start to ride past. More and more horses stream around him, black and dun and roan and piebald and palomino and stuff, until one of the last riders reaches out and pulls him onto his...I mean her, horse.)

Merry: AGH! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED! AAAAGHH...

Mysterious Young Female Rider: Shut up and ride with me!

Merry: Alright! I get to kill something! WOOO-HOOAAA-HAA-HAA-ow! That hurt, Eowyn.

MYFR: Sorry...I mean who?

Teh End
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Old 11-12-2006, 12:50 AM   #236
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White Tree

(Cut to the Paths of the Dead and Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn. The ladder is carrying a medal torch. He won it in the Best Enuciator contest in T. A. 3002)

Gimli: "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

Legolas: "If you're seeing the shapes, but necessarily the full reality of men and horses, then yes. I also see with my two Elf eyes pale banners like shredded government documents and spears rising out of the paranormal mists. In short, the Dead are following us. They have been summoned."

Gimli: "Wonderful."

Legolas: "I am glad you think so."

Gimli: "I meant it sarcastically!"

Aragorn: "Look down if you want to be scared insane."

(Gimli looks down and screams in horror when he sees the skulls of the dead. They walk into a giant hall and see a green figure rotten with decay.)

King of the Dead: (Through ventriloquism.) "Who dares to intrude into my domain?"

Aragorn: "One who will have your allegiance."

King of the Dead: "The King of the Dead is in no mood for riddles! Oh, and by the way, the Dead do not suffer the living to pass."

Aragorn: "Tell the King of the Dead that we are but warriors for the working day. Our gayness and our gilt are all besmirched with rainy marches in the painful fields, but by Elbereth, our hearts are in the trim! Anyways, you're going to have to suffer me."

King of the Dead: "Mua, ha, ha, ha!" (The dead come and make a wall of undeadness around Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas.) The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead. And the Dead keep it. The way is shut. Case closed."

Aragorn: "Then how come there's an open passageway into this dismal place? We didn't even have to open a door."

King of the Dead: "It is dangerous to presume to ask questions of the King of the Dead..."

Legolas: "Here he goes using the third person again."

King of the Dead: "And for your crimes of burglary,"

Gimli: "It's not burglary if you walk through a completely open passageway!"

KotD: "Silence! And for your sedition you shall die!"

Gimli: "He doesn't mince words, does he?"

(Legolas shoots an arrow straight through the KoD with little effect.)

Aragorn: "I summon ye to fulfill your oaths, draft-dodgers."

KotD: "Yeah, I suppose you're the King of Gondor. Well, I'm Kodos the Executioner."

(Aragorn draws out Andúril and the KotD draws out his own sword and attacks Aragorn with it. Aragorn stops the KotD's attack and puts his sword to the KotD's throat.)

Kotd: "That line was broken."

Aragorn: "I remember all my lines and furthermore the line has been remade. This statement does not imply that my bloodline was at any time broken. It merely acknowleges that for the longest time my family has not been King. What say you?"

Gimli: "You're wasting your time. If they didn't have any honor in life, how can they have any in death? And besides, they're freaking me out."

Aragorn: "I am Isuldir's heir. Fight for me, and I will deem ye oaths fulfilled."

(The Dead shrug their shoulders.)

Aragorn: "WHAT SAY YOU? You have my word of honour! Fight, and I will de-shade you! WHAT SAY YOU? Will you yield, or guilty in defense be not destroyed?"

Gimli: "Heel, you traitors!"

(The mist clears and the skulls start falling.)

Aragorn: "Gimli, waddle out of here as fast as you can! Legolas, run!"

(They run out as the skulls fall on and around them. Aragorn falls down in despair when he sees the black corsairs. Legolas comforts him. A noise comes out of the cave and Aragorn turns to see the KotD."

KotD: "A day may come when the courage of..."

Aragorn: "Quit stealing my lines. Get to the point."

Kotd: "We fight. We help you kill bad men."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Next up, the return of the nearly dead Steward's son and the attack on Minas Tirith.
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Old 11-13-2006, 05:02 PM   #237
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I saw some of this thread, so I thought I'd try my hand at this, just a little bit. It got addictive though. I'll try posting it.
-~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~--~-~-~

Guard: Open the gate! Quick!

The gate opens, revealing a horse, dragging a pincushioned Faramir behind it.

Guard 1: Why was he being dragged? Wouldn't it have been easier to ride?

Guard 2: Aye, that's odd.

Angry Wounded Faramir: That......bloody........horse........

Guard 3: (shocked) Lord Faramir!

Cut to Pelennor, Gothmog is inspecting the orcs.

Gothmog: Lovely day, isn't it?

Orc:Yes, Moggy, Lovely. The White City looks absolutely gorgeous.

Gothmog: Ah, and the helms of the tower guards are shining. They look so gallant!

Orc: Well, your warg seems quite fierce, my lord!

Gothmog: Yes, isn't he! Usually he's wearing something a bit more festive, but that Witch-King fellow said it wouldn't be appropriate.

Orc: I'm not sure I like him. He's always so, well, mean. All doom and gloom. I heard he was a man once too! Er...anyway a lovely day.

Gothmog: Once this war business is over, I think I'll-

Orc 2: Uhh...My lord...the camera, it's-(whispers in Gothmog's ear)

Gothmog: Uhuh, uhuh....this whole time? Oh. Oh dear. Ummm...er, ah,
TAKE NO PRISONERS! WE SHALL FEAST ON MAN-FLESH TONIGHT! YEAH!

(Orcs cheer)

Gothmog:Oh, dear.

Back to the city, Faramir is borne on a stretcher to his father.

Denethor: Faramir!!!

Guard: Oh no, not again. He was mad enough when Boromir died...

Denethor: Say not that he has fallen...

Guard: Well, my lord, this is a shock to everyone in the fair city. He and his comrades were outnumbered a thousandfold by entrenched troops.

Denethor: What idiot ordered this suicide assault!?

(awkward pause)

Denethor:Oh yeah...anyway, got to get to the pyre.

Guard (to companion): He loves his kids a lot more after they're dead.

Guard 2: You know what would make this scene better?

Guard 3: hm?

Guard 2: If we borrowed from that Monty Python sketch, the "I'm not dead yet" one. (chuckles)

Guard 3: No, they already used it.

Guard 2: Oh. How about the "You shall not have died in vain" one?

Guard 3: They used that one too.

Guard 2: Where?

Guard 3: Earlier in the thread.

Guard 2: The what?

Guard 3: Uh...never mind.
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Old 02-27-2007, 05:48 PM   #238
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The tale of Telchar and Narsil

Scene: Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli are camping for the night. The Dead glow greenly around them.

KotD: Buncha pansies. Don't know why you need rest every night.

Legolas: Tell me about it.

Aragorn: Legolas, pay attention to this map I'm drawing. There's no way we can make it to Gondor on time on foot, so we'll have to hijack a pirate ship or something.

Gimli: Can't the Dead fly or something? Why don't we send them on ahead?

KotD: That's true, we do have some dead eagles at our command, we could have them drop you right into the city...

Aragorn: No. Their part in the story is over. We're doing it my way. Who's got the magic sword? Who's finally reclaimed his destiny? That's right, me.

Legolas: It's not magic, really.

Aragorn: Oh yeah? I beat a dead guy with centuries-old rusted sword with it. I don't know what you call that if not "magic".

Gimli: 'Tis true. Verily and hearken to my Dwarvish Tale!

(Everyone groaned except Legolas, whose permanent expression of confusion deepened)

(Gimli dug in his pack and pulled out his spare lute, spent several moments tuning it, and struck a bright chord with an opening "La!")

Gimli:

La!

Oh listen up beardlings to my sorry sorry tale
Without a rock to be seen, nor gold, nor a nail

It's a story about a sword that was steel
And a Dwarf who grinds up elves' bones for his meal!

Telchar was a famous Dwarven smith
He made famous weapons to kill bad guys with

He made a famous dragon hat, and a butter knife that pried a jewel
From another famous hat, the one that Morgoth wore when he ruled!

He made a famous sword and Narsil was its name,
It was super-duper enchanted, that's what gained it lasting fame!

Telchar warned the owner greatly,
Warned him long bord'ring on berating,
"If e'er evil touches the hilt, t'will be YOUR blood that is spilt!"

Poor Narsil was mistreated, its powers used for ill
Its bearer chopped up little kids his belly for to fill

So Telchar took his magic hammer, and then set it on fire
And brought it down upon the skull of the man who drew his ire!

"Alas!" lamented Telchy, who to his chagrin and his shame,
Bestowed poor mistreated Narsil on the brother of the same!

But this ownership lasted not as long as before,
Telchar soon made sure that THIS bearer was no more.

So Telchar set good Narsil upon his highest shelf,
Forgetting that it was an easy reach for any elf.

So when Telchar left his workshop to get himself some lunch,
A elven thief crept inside, and of weapons stole a bunch.

Dun dun dun!

When the Dwarf-smith returned after stuffing his bearded face
He stared in shock and horror at the brand-new empty space!

He tore his beard in fury, forgetting even the fire in his forge
He'd get revenge on that darn thief, he swore and swore and swore!

So taking only his magical fiery hammer that he'd happened to have in his hand,
He pursued his foe across the months, and trees, and cows, and land.

At last one day he caught up with the guy who broke-and-entered,
Aimed his hammer at his head and cackled as he centered.

The elf pleaded and cried, laid the sword down as he sighed,
"I guess that my gorgeous face will be forgotten, once I've died"

Telchar paused momentarily,
And took a closer look to see what he could see.

"Hubba, mister," Telchar softly set her fiery hammer down
And hand in hand together, they walked to the nearest town.

Their marriage lasted long enough, for those of you who keep track of this sort of thing
Just long enough for Telchar to forge her great-great-granddaughter's wedding ring.

Narsil was handed down from generation to generation,
When the dwarven blood was finally bred out, it caused quite a sensation.

The elves cried "Narsil is ours! There is no dwarf-blood left!"
The dwarves replied "And this we cry! We'll give it to no elf!"

So wars began, and death begun, lives spun out and died
In secret Telchar's children stole Narsil and put it somewhere to hide.

No sign of the super-magical sword was ever found,
'Til Elendil fought that famous war and Isildur his own bane found.

But poor Narsil, the strain was too much, it cried in pain and broke,
But with its dying ring it cut a ring from the hand of that Sauron bloke.

Narsil's body was laid to rest, at least we think that's so,
For this tale doesn't tell anymore, because no more do we know!

La!

(With a final "La!" of Finishing, Gimli sat down and would say no more about Narsil)

Gimli: I wish you could hear it in its original Dwarvish, it loses something in the retelling.

Aragorn: Like the listener?

Legolas: ...wow. That was educational. I've learned to cut out the tongue of any Dwarvish bard I happen to meet.

KotD: It was told differently in my day.

Anduril: *sniff* Too true, too true...
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Old 04-09-2007, 04:07 PM   #239
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I considered writing a serious, thoughtful post for the Books forum, but thought better of it. We go now to the highest circle of Minas Tirith...

Denethor: My son is dead. My line is ended...

Faramir: Dad, seriously! you're embarassing me!

Pippin: (checks Faramir's pulse) I think he's alive!

Denethor: The House of Stewards has failed.

Pippin: (to Guards of the Fountain) Can't you do somehing? He's not dead!

Guard: Sorry, we're busy. We've got to keep this withered tree under constant guard. And anyway, it's kind of funny.

Denethor: My line has ended.

Pippin: I know who could help us-Beregond! Now, where has he gotten off to?

*Peter Jackson steps into shot.*

PJ:Pip, about that...I'll tell you later. O.K., let's take it from 'My line has ended'.

Cameraman: Pete, you didn't say cut. We're still rolling.

PJ: Eh, whatever. Just keep going. I'll have the VFX people turn me into something awesome. I'll put it in the Extended Edition. *exits*

Fountain Guard: Haven't we just done that 'the cameras are still on' gag?
(points at me)
You're a terrible scriptwriter! I'll—

Guard 2:Enough! What about the epic battle scene?! Get on with it!

Faramir: Get on with it!

Gandalf: Get on with it!

Orc Horde: Get on with it!

Denethor: My line has ended...

Guard: (muttering) we've gotten that far...

*Denethor looks out over the ledge. He happens to spot Sauron's army. The 250,000 orcs are formed to spell out 'BOO!'

Denethor: Ah! Abandon your posts! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Muttering Soldier: to where?

*Gandalf appears from nowhere and institutes a quick regime change.*

Gandalf: They say you should be a sage. They say you shouldn't interfere. But sometimes you just have to sneak up on an old man and bludgeon him with a stick.

Fountain Guard: The grey wanderer has just knocked the lord we have sworn unswerving fealty to unconscious. What do you think we should do?

Fountain Guard 2: Let's wait a bit, and then help him roast himself and his dying son alive on a pyre.

Fountain Guard: Sounds like a plan.

NEXT UP: Certain characters enact another one of the stirring adaptions from book to film, I think.
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Old 04-09-2007, 07:51 PM   #240
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Sting

I wrote a new part

Gandalf: Quick to battle and certain death everyone (Gandalf rides towards the outer defenses. And sees everyone is reluctant to do what he says)

Gandalf: What’s wrong with you people you act like you’ve never had an assault on Mina’s Tirith before

Soldier: They’re a bit down sir

Gandalf: Down. There isn’t time to be down we…I mean you have to fight

Random soldier: Sir maybe if you gave the men a pep talk

Gandalf: Right then now I know some of you might be a bit concerned about dying because we’re seriously outnumbered. Well you should be. but what you have to remember is that we’re the good guys we’re not meant to die

Boromir: I did

Gandalf: Well most of us. He’s the exception…wait he’s not even dead (Boromir coughs nervously)

Boromir: Um yes I am

Gandalf: Come on to the wall defend the wall. *points in the opposite direction* you know it’s over there

(the soldiers reluctantly get up and go to defend the wall, there are a couple of seconds with soldiers and civilians rushing about in confusion.)

Gandalf: Return to your posts!

(He reaches the outer wall, and sees the oncoming army.)

Gandalf: WHOA that’s a big army, how am I supposed to win against all that?. Oh well I’ll improvise

(The Gondorian soldiers begin hurling large rocks and pieces of buildings towards the Orcs with trebuchets.)

Gothmog: Stay where you are, we’ve seen scarier things at home.

Soldier: Watch out! (A rock flies towards the outer wall, flinging several people off of the wall.)

Gandalf: Oohh that had to hurt

Soldier: Down to the lower level. Quick!

(One flung rock comes hurtling towards Gothmog, who having taken dance classes earlier in life neatly leaps aside at the last minute. Suddenly he realized all the orcs were staring at him in disbelief, He spat on it and the battle continues as normal)

Soldier: Did you see what I did

Gandalf: Yes I give him a 9.5

Soldier: Right

(The Nazgûl on their fell beasts then arrive, and strike terror in the hearts of the Gondorian soldiers, by picking up random Men and dropping them. Pippin appears, holding his ears with his hands, to block out the sound of the Nazgûl cries.)

(Gandalf yells at the warring soldiers)

Gandalf: Don’t get discouraged now. Keep fighting strong, Stay where you are


Gandalf: Hold them back. Do not give into fear! Stay at your posts!

Gandalf: Oohh those things, hit those um what do you call them? Big things, they move

(The siege towers are nearly at the wall.)

Soldier: Siege towers

Gandalf: No although they’re big too

Soldier: (nervously) Uhh trolls

Gandalf: That’s it. trolls, hit them

(The archers aim for the indicated target, they fire and miss, a mass of arrows go awry and hits a random lot of orcs)

Gandalf: (to the archers) Not at the towers. Aim for the Trolls! Kill the Trolls!

(The siege towers connect with the walls, and Orcs begin swarming in. Gandalf sees Pippin coming down the stairs towards him.)

Gandalf: Fool of a took go back to the Citadel! Let me handle this

Pippin: They called us out to fight

(An Orc heads towards Pippin, and Gandalf heads it off, killing it.)

Gandalf: This is not the place for you, nor any hobbit. Do as I say

(The Wizard fights off several more Orcs, but one comes up behind him while he is busy fighting another Orc. Pippin stabs the Orc just as it is going to hit Gandalf.)

Gandalf turns and upon seeing the Orc lets out a loud girly scream)

Pippin: I killed it

Gandalf: Oh uh right ahem, Guard of the Citadel indeed. Now, back! Up the hill! Quickly! Quick!

(Huge creatures pull the massive battering ram, Grond, towards Minas Tirith. It is shaped like a giant wolf, with flames licking inside its mouth.)

Armies of Sauron: (chanting) Pizza, pizza, pizza (orc general scratches his head in confusion)

General: I don’t think that’s the right chant, try again

Armies of Sauron: (chanting) Grond! Grond! Grond!

General: Ah that’s the one

(Gandalf looks down from the wall with great concern.

Gandalf: Oh this can’t be good

Well that’s it from me the next part should be back with Frodo and Gollum

Last edited by lothlorien; 04-09-2007 at 07:55 PM.
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