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Old 05-01-2007, 02:08 AM   #1
Estelyn Telcontar
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Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!
Thumbs up *The Barrow-Downs Official Birthday Newspaper*

“Extra, extra! Read all about it! Dead barrow celebrates birthday! Reports of ghosts, wights, zombies, and other ghastly invaders in the publishing house frighten reporters and staff! Get your copy right here!”

The young paper boy's enthusiasm for his special task on this early morning sped his feet down the road faster than he realized. He had sold a goodly number of newspapers to interested citizens, yet his cart held more, and he had the ambition to empty it completely before returning to his home.

The pale sun arose, yet it gave only a grey light through the mist. The fog rolled up over the fields and rose above him, bending over his head until it became a roof. He felt as if a trap was closing around him, but he did not quite lose heart. He recognized nothing, not having been in this area before, but he had the foreboding feeling that something - or someone - was there, and he was not sure that it was someone - or something - he wanted to meet. Fear prevailed over duty and ambition, and he had begun to turn his cart to make a hasty retreat when he heard a voice, deep and cold, that seemed to come out of the ground, calling to him:

"I am waiting for you!"

He stood still, his knees knocking a cowardly rap rhythm, but he did not run away. Then his legs gave, and he fell on the ground. Nothing happened, and there was no sound. Trembling he looked up, in time to see a tall dark figure like a shadow against the fading stars. It leaned over him. He thought there were two green-glowing eyes, as though lit with a pale light that seemed to come from a remote distance. Then a grip stronger and colder than iron seized him. The icy touch froze his bones, and he remembered no more.

When he came to himself again, for a moment he could recall nothing except a sense of dread. Then suddenly he realized that he had been robbed - his cart was empty! Almost he would have wept bitter tears to think of the lost revenue his papers should have brought him, then he saw a glitter of gold in the bottom of the vehicle. And lo! there were chains and brooches and rings and coins - their worth was much greater than anything he could have expected. Hurriedly, lest any further mischance should happen to him, he pulled the cart and ran down the road homewards as fast as his legs could carry him.

° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° ° °

Behind him in the dark, a pale greenish light enveloped the countryside. Glowing letters appeared upon a flat, rectangular surface, and the image of a gleaming sword could be seen. From within the nearby mound, a voice could be heard:

"What took the paper boy so long today? I want my morning paper - maybe there'll be something interesting to read on the Barrow’s birthday. Here, folks, there are enough for all of you - spread them around!"
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Old 05-01-2007, 02:09 AM   #2
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Thumbs up A Birthday Barrow

A special Newspaper was piblished for the day...



They'd seen part one...



And part two...



but the people finnally got to see the concluding part of The Phantom and Alien 3-part special!



And now... Ladies and gentlemen.

The Downer Newspaper, in association with Lester Square productions proudly presents.

For the first time ever...

In 2D

THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN CARTOON SHOW! ON YOUTUBE

Or follow this link…
Downloadable


Credits:

Voices
The Phantom - Matt Cornah
Alien - Joel Cornah

Animation - Lester Square
Storyboard - Hookbill the Goomba
Scripting - J.k. Cornah

Cake - Sir Harrold
Music - The Director
Eyes - Sauron
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THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket...

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Old 05-01-2007, 07:40 AM   #3
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Bęthberry is wading through snowdrifts on Redhorn.Bęthberry is wading through snowdrifts on Redhorn.Bęthberry is wading through snowdrifts on Redhorn.Bęthberry is wading through snowdrifts on Redhorn.
Very Classified Advert--Bottom of the Barrow

Eddie Orc Sports and Expedition Outfitters

Check out our birthday specials! Discounts up to 70% in honour of the Downs' birthday.

Second hand pots and pans--no reasonable offer refused--comes with special recipe for coney stew

Reconfigured military equipment--check out the latest in our snow blowers and lawn mowers--guaranteed to produce elven-proof results!

Huge selection of army surplus bedrolls, tents, axes, port-a-potties

Also, Skateboarders: Come to us for expert shield alterations. There is no shield that cannot be wheeled by our expert fitters and machinists.

A few mumak seats are still available--ideal for patio or pool-side furniture.
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Old 05-01-2007, 12:54 PM   #4
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Caution!

This section of the paper, newly arrived on the barrow lawn, may cause the inadvertent spewing of coffee.
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Old 05-01-2007, 02:02 PM   #5
Hilde Bracegirdle
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Sword and Sinew – “The rite place for all your extermination needs.” Catering services available. Fully licensed and bonded.

Has your barrow got you down? Is it deadly boring? Then liven it up with The Spirits of Angmar, your one stop spirit shop. Always stocked with a largest selection of foreign and domestic spirits.

******************************
Quite an uproar reportedly occurred in Tyrn Gorthad Monday afternoon, when a large alien crashed into the tomb of one of the more prominent elderly residents of the Roswell retirement community, the bones of whom have rested here in relative peace since a time well before the Great Plague of 1636 T.A., but which have now been confiscated and stored in area 51 as evidence in a police inquiry.

A local scientist interviewed by a Barrow-downer staff reporter suggested that the intruder was in fact a large bear that succumbed to profound lethargy, a common malady among foreigners passing through our unique realm. He further speculated that the bear was merely stumbling around in the search for a den suitable for hibernation, and was not on any ‘mission or quest’ that would interfere with the birthday festivities to take place later this evening.

A police spokesman reassured residents in a press conference, reporting that the bear had not attempted any spells and carried no suspicious weapons or iremarkable jewelry, but had been discovered napping on the floor of the barrow. The subject had not resisted arrest, beyond the twitching of a paw, and had remained unconscious until a double shot espresso was administered. The trespasser was than released later that same day, and was last seen gamboling toward the Misty Mountains.

Although, this incident resembles the famous break-in of the late Third Age, police officials state that the cases appear to be unrelated.

Last edited by Hilde Bracegirdle; 05-01-2007 at 02:08 PM.
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Old 05-01-2007, 02:30 PM   #6
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1420! A Downer movement behind the 1st May?

The 1st May is traditionally a very significant day in many aspects. The biggest significance in the world is it being the International Worker's Day. In many countries, on the 1st May also many demonstrations and protest marches are held, sometimes even led by radical groups and sometimes even ending in conflicts between different interested groups.

"Such problems cannot occur at the Downs," DCI Lalwendë from the Barrow-Downs said to our reporter. "We don't have people with pronounced opinions here... well, maybe except for a few... dozens, let's say... and we've got a Specter of Capitalism and a guy who looks like Karl Marx... but nothing much more, really."

Our reporter, however, discovered that this is not as true, and that indeed some Downers' pressure-group must have participated on this year's 1st May demonstrations. There is an evidence based on a photography taken by our reporter from the streets of Prague, where a protest march of the supporters of a certain ideology took place. We have not yet heard from the Downs' official representatives, but we hereby present our readers the evidence to form their opinion by themselves. See the photo
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Old 05-01-2007, 05:31 PM   #7
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Local House Destroyed by String of Freak Accidents

In an incredibly bizarre and shocking coincidence early this morning, the house of a certain Nilpaurion Felagund has been completely obliterated, along with its owner.

Reports say that the house was invaded by a swarm of rabid killer squirrels, blown up by a freak volcanic eruption from beneath, and finally crushed by falling meteors.

"Okay, what are you all staring at me for?" asked one Meneltarmacil, who reportedly hid a mysterious device labeled "Random Accident Generator of Doom" behind his back.
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Old 05-01-2007, 06:56 PM   #8
Durelin
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This Day in History

On May 1, 2003, the questions of canonicity were thrown out the window, and residents of The Barrow-Downs, at large, for a brief time had the nerve to do whatever they wished with Tolkien’s creations. The “Entish Bow Nonsense Act” apparently paved the way for such blatant disregard of J.R.R. Tolkien’s dream, his vision, his creation.

Supporters of the “EBNA” claimed that enforcing the observance of Tolkien’s “rules” creates a metaphorical prison for their natural and naturally abundant creativity. Apparently as part of exercising their freedom of creative expression, a number of Wights partook in the cooking, BBQing, and consumption of what they called “Balrog Wings.”

This display of questionable existence seemed to be the occasion for the debacle at Minas Arnor, at which attendees were seen using devices of questionable and likely dark-magic-as-in-necromancer-ring-a-bell?, went so far as to address questions unanswered with as-they-pleased assumptions, and were accompanied peacefully by creatures who Tolkien specifically stated in Letter 1337, “tear…[the] living…life out…[of] anything…[and] anyone.”

Among the excess of negative reactions was chair-high-grand-puba of the Canonites of the New Nexus of Neo-Tolkienites’ words, which were quoted in the 134th issue of Ye Olde Downer: “I…[am] flabbergasted. There is nothing funny…[about] Tolkien.”

This statement did much to spark a loud dialogue between Canonites and FIFites*, but the questions of whether or not Balrogs have wings, whether Balrogs are funnier with or without their wings, whether Balrog wings are actually funnier on a Balrog or as a separate entity, and whether right or wrong is in the eye of the book-holder or the book-owner were never sufficiently answered.

*FIF is the traditional acronym for the Free Interpretation Front
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Old 05-01-2007, 07:16 PM   #9
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Dispute Over Native Land

As known by all (that go to the Barrow-Downs) today is the birthday of the Barrow-Downs newspaper. Normally, this would be a day of celebration, but recent riots have made the opposite true. Recently, a large group of foreign spirits have gathered around the Barrow-Downs, and they have been complaining wildly. Who are these people?

The spirits of Arnor.

Slain by the Witch-King thousands of years ago, these spirits, freed from Minas Morgul due to the death of the Witch-King, have returned to their native lands, hoping to find peace in the barrows of Cardolan. However, the occupation of their burial mounds has sparked outrage. They demand to speak to the "Lead wight", which is impossible at the moment, due to said wight dying at the hands of an eccentric man of the forest some years ago. The ghosts of Arnor are also angered that the city of Fornost is now called "Deadman's Dike", as if to say that the whole land is cursed. Few quotes could be gathered at the moment, because other than the Nazgul and the Oathbreakers, the dead in Middle-Earth are nearly mute. A hobbit named Frodo Baggins was reported to have heard the "lead wight" sing a song in his stay at the wight's barrow, but that wight appears to have been the only one that could truly speak.

Ultimately, the people of Arnor want to rest in peace, and to do so they need their sacred mounds back.
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Old 05-01-2007, 07:43 PM   #10
The Saucepan Man
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The Saucepan Man has been trapped in the Barrow!
Boots Many happy returns ...

This are serious dog, and he bring serious cracker as birthday gift.
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Old 05-02-2007, 02:58 PM   #11
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Breaking News!

It seems that the reason for Serious Cat's vacation isn't taking a break, relaxing or losing some weight.
Some well informed sources say that Serious still has some unpaid debts of cat food to the Cat Mafia, and that Al Catone, the head of the family wants him dead or alive. In order to save his fur Serious toke the first flight out of the country and is living now on an unknown tropical island, waiting for things to cool down.
When asked what his opinion on the situation is, Al Catone replied: "Nobody f***s with the family, if you do, you're cat litter!"

Below you'll also find a photo of Catone
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Old 05-02-2007, 03:11 PM   #12
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Quote:
When asked what his opinion on the situation is, Al Catone replied: "Nobody f***s with the family, if you do, you're cat litter!"
The Downer managed to get an interview with the leader of the Cat Mafia. He told us that if anyone has any information on Serious Cat, then one should contact Brando Cat, because...

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THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket...
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Old 05-02-2007, 03:27 PM   #13
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Too much fun.

The Argonath: The Awesome-Tastic Namarie Tour
by Alfredo Norman "Pickles" McSpankypants-Winthorpe of Long Grange South III Jr.

This evening marked the ninetieth stop of the band "The Argonath" on their farewell tour, ineptly titled "We Are More Awesome-Tasticular Than You!". The antics of the band were many and varied, ranging from the physically disturbing to the mentally deranged, and every shade in between.

The opening act Sgt. Saucie's Shiny Pan Club Band was a hit amongst the kiddies, playing their bawdy and jolly tune "We All Post On A Green and Black Forum" five times in succession, changing merely the tempo in an attempt to hack it.

Finally, the headlining band took the stage, and began their ninetieth stop on the tour with a bang as the guitarist fell off the stage. Nine helpful people set him back upright, and sheepishly, almost cajolingly, they opened with their hit "I Can Stand Up Better Than You, Dumbface".

The police were called in fifteen seperate and distinct times, but the same number of times were beaten back by walls of sound and strange nearly-invisible creatures summoned by the lead singer with the blood of one of their fans and their guitarist's "special" guitar, which looked more to this reporter like a sacrificial knife, as it had no amplifier cord. Or strings.

"I'm baffled," confessed Mme. Oromin Uialwen loudly. "I came here because it was supposed to be the most fan-tastic-abular thing ever, but I never expected for them to steal my blood! I want my mommy and a tourniquet!"

"We're baffled," shouted an irate policeman, the name of which we did not catch as he could not seem to yell very loudly with smashed bass guitar around his neck. "We keep getting more and more people with missing limbs down at the station - and I for one am getting suspicious."

The band, which consists of two grey statues with one uplifted arm each, played for several hours, in which time seven people collapsed from blood loss. Only once was their magnanimous performance interrupted, when a man leapt with superhuman strength onto the stage and attempted to wrest a guitar from one of the backup players and play it. It took eight men and D.C.I. Lalwende, but finally the man was dragged offstage. We were not able to get a name.

The Argonath's arguably biggest hit ever "Flood Posting" began with a creschendo of kazoos building up a wave of sound that flattened nearby mountains, and ended with a buzzing of pipes and small squashed frogs went over very well, even bringing tears to a few eyes.

"It was beautiful," sobbed a Mr. Elf Warrior. "I've loved this band ever since their first album came out, and I watch all of their shows. I have all of their albums. I cut pictures out of magazines. I take newspapers and clip the letters out of them to spell their names and paste them on my walls. I quit my job to see this show." Mr. Warrior then ran off towards the stage and began to mosh uncontrollably, and violently.

The musical talents of The Argonath are undeniable, mostly due to the fact that their drummer has six legs and is able to play both percussion and a gramaphone simultaneously. Most of the fans whom we asked were not overly adverse to this physical deformity, indeed the drummer seemed to be much loved and coddled over as a young child's teddy bear never was.

"Hubba hubba," we quote from a young lady named Diamond18.

But every six-legged drummer has their enemies, as is evidenced by our next quote from a one-legged moderator named Norman. Or Mormegil. We couldn't hear anything and are making a lot of this up.

"This is outrageous," said Mormegil. "I donated my leg to a very reputable charity in the assurance that it would go to a small cute child, and there it is on a troublesome stone drummer! The authorities shall hear of this!" At this Mr. Mormegil began approaching the stage, but at the same moment a nearly invisible creature grabbed him and dragged him screaming into a newly opened crevasse in the earth.

At this point, this reporter was overcome by the weed smoked by the hobbit next to me, and my notes are all muddled. From my horrible handwriting and the smears of blood, it appears that as the guitarist began the long and occult-sounding riff at the beginning of "Balrog Wings/Balrogs Don't Have Wings", a portal of some sort opened above the stage and many people were sucked therin. Here my words end, save for fragments such as "horrible", "suffer", and "We cannot get out".

And after this, all this humble reporter can say is to go see The Argonath on tour if you possibly can, you will not regret it.

Signing off to bind my arm and clip letters out of this newspaper to spell my new favorite band's name with,
Your Friend
"Pickles" McSpankypants.
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Last edited by Oddwen; 05-02-2007 at 03:32 PM.
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Old 05-03-2007, 12:10 PM   #14
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The Downer managed to acquire another picture, which proves beyond doubt the existence of a link between the Cat Mafia with the Corleone family.
Also, yesterday one of Serious' long time cat friends was found badly injured in a dark alley. Coincidence? We think not...
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Old 05-03-2007, 02:13 PM   #15
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1420!

From the 'Classifieds'

Come on down if you got the notion!

* Party at the Bird and Baby *



Happy BD, B-D
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Old 05-03-2007, 08:17 PM   #16
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St. Barrow's Day Massacre Averted

The Downer has exhaustively examined these allegations of feline fellonies and the disappearance of Serious Cat. Crack investigative reporter, Fedora Cat, seen below, has produced the following report.

Fedora Cat:



Notwithstanding that it is extremely difficult to infiltrate the secret society of Cafia, it is still possible to ascertain some information of the actions and behaviours of the members of this secret society that threatens to overrun the Downs. First of all, we find a definite predilection for playing not pianos, but violins.



However, these musical instruments are a ruse to hide the most violent forms of assault known in this country. Here is the formerly peaceful violin-playing cat showing his true colours:



Yet even more nefarious are those feline fellons behind the scene who engage in the worst sort of conspiracy against the happily Dead. I refer to those planners, the catsigliori, who mastermind the overtaking of the barrow:



Thankfully, however, all was not lost in this case. The Downs can commend DCI Eomer of Scotland Yardarm for his swift action in uncovering this cell by the efficient caterwauling of his national musical instrument.



The Downs remains a safe barrow in which to celebrate another day.
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Old 05-03-2007, 09:16 PM   #17
Oddwen
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From the Editor (or an editor of her own posts, anyway...)

To our reader(s):

It is a great occasion that we write you on; the birthday of a most illustrious forum dedicated to an illustrious and wonderful work, and also another anniversary to be celebrated, namely, the Coming of Age of our Great and now Official newspaper.

We wished to take this moment to beg a boon of our reader(s). While our policy has always been "We'll Print Anything Vaguely Interesting We Get In The Mail, All Of It, No Really We Mean Anything", we take great pains to not run the same story twice (without changing a few names, anyway).

In short, the phantom, will you please stop sending us six pages a week reading nothing but "The Lord Of The Rings And I Are Awesome". We will never get anywhere (important or controversial enough) by continuously stating the obvious.

Thank you,
The Editor
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Last edited by Oddwen; 05-04-2007 at 03:36 AM. Reason: See? I am The Editor...
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Old 05-06-2007, 02:52 PM   #18
Durelin
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Woopsies, forgot: The original putting Leonidas' head on that particular cat was not done by me.

Last edited by Durelin; 05-06-2007 at 03:50 PM.
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Old 05-06-2007, 07:25 PM   #19
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Downer memo

To: Editor
From: Fedora Cat
Subject: Mewlitzer Prizes

Chief,

The quality of submissions to the Downer of late has been substantial, so substantial that the acclamation of Newspaper of the Year seems an inadequate designation.

Has our publisher initiated any contacts with potential patrons who could underwrite Mewlitzer Prizes as awards for the outstanding contributions to journalism which our writers clearly merit?

Clearly, who would have thought that flogging a Serious cat could produce humour?

Yours,
a cryptic 'ora
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Old 05-12-2007, 10:17 AM   #20
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Goomba alert!

Good thing this thread quieted down because ...

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Old 05-18-2007, 02:58 PM   #21
the guy who be short
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Biff Mystery May Be Solved

Detectives last night revealed to the media in a shock move that they may have discovered Biff's true identity.

Older Downers may remember Biff, alleged to be Eomer of the Rohirrim's "Keeper". His true nature has been the source of much contentious debate amongst the Downing community, and his relationship with Eomer - Keeper, Servant, Fellow Traveller - never fully resolved. Interest died down after Biff's disappearance from Downs life several months ago.

An informant from the Ministry of Mysteries yesterday revealed that detectives believed Biff to actually be Biffy Clyro. "It's early days yet," he said, "but all the right signs are there. Biffy Clyro is Scottish and like rock, both important aspects of Eomer's personality. In addition, his name is often shorted to Biff, as in the cry 'Mon the Biff' before a performance."

Rumours that Biffy Clyro may actually be several people are so far unsubstantiated.
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