101 Things LOTR Characters Would Never Say

[Aduyuldaiel-MirkwoodPrincess]

Galadriel: I think i'll make some potatoe salad in my mirror

[Daewen]

Legolas in the Battle of Helms Deep:
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting! huh! *stabs orc* Those cats were fast as lightening! huh! *stabs orc* It was a little bit frightening...

Gandalf: I'm too sexy for my robes...

The entire fellowship: *around the campfire singing* Kumbya my Lord, Kumbya...

Gimli: Everyone...I'm gay!

Saruman: *looks into palantir* Yes, um, can please have a large cheese pizza, a diet coke, and an order of breadsticks please? Twenty minutes? Ok thanks...

[ April 22, 2003: Message edited by: Daewen ]

[Airehiriel]

Sam quoting anything from Shakespeare or Albert Einstein equations, or pretty much anything else that might be considered 'higher learning'. Not that I don't think he could if he wanted to...after all, Bilbo did learn him his letters.

[One Axe to Rule them All]

HEY!, the Kung-fu fighting was my post!

THIEF!!!

[Daewen]

sorry...it was really good....

[Daewen]

Elrond: Right so I was like, dude and he was all like, dude and then we're both all like, dude...

Frodo: Cool, a giant spider! That's one more for the exotic instect scavenger hunt.

Legolas: Life is pain highness...anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something...

Gimli: *watching a Walk to Remember* *sniff* Oh my gawd, he married her! Aww...how romantic...*sob, grabs tissue*

Legolas: I'm an Elf! I'm in Elf in tights! I roam around the forest looking for fights! I'm an Elf...an Elf in tights...tight tights...

*I hope you've all seen a Knights Tale...*
Aragorn: Grr...you're just a silly girl!
Arwen: Better a silly girl with a flower than a silly boy with a horse and a stick. *walks away*
Legolas:...It's called a sword, hello...

[Daewen]

*~*C'mon people let's keep this thing going*~*

Gimli: Voulex vou couche avec moi...

Aragorn: Hit me baby one more time!

[Yavanna Kementari]

*imagines Gandalf at the front yelling orders as they travel*
Gandalf: "Foward, March!"
Gandalf: "I don't know but I've been told,"
The Fellowship: 'repeats'
Gandalf: "Saruman is really old,"
The Fellowship: 'repeats'
Gandalf: "He's a traitor yes he is,"
The Fellowship: 'repeats'
Gandalf: "Now I am the Mighty Wiz. Sound off!
T.F. "One, Two,"
Gandalf: "Sound off"
T.F. "Three, Four,"
Gandalf: "Bring it on up now"
T.F. "One, Two, Three, Four,..One..Two ThreeFour!"
Yavanna to Aule: "Go ahead honey cut down the old ones first!" [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img]

Thats all the time I have, sorry if you didn't think it was funny. My jaw hurts as well!! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] I like Aragorns "I am a mondern Major General!!LOL This thread is really Fun!! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] ~(~<~> Yavanna

[Tinuviel the Nightingale]

Wargs approach, just before the Fellowship gets to Moria's gate.

Legolas: Screams like a girl, tosses away his bow, picks up his skirts and runs.

Rest of the Fellowship: And why did we bring him again?

See my sig. as well.

[Rindoien, elf of Lothlorien]

Isildur: I think I'll throw this ring into Mount Doom

Sauron: Who cares about the one ring? Not me!

Eowyn: I'll just stay home and make Eomer some new clothes

Sam: Yes, Gandalf, I was eavesdropping

[Yavanna Kementari]

Daewen, I love the Knights Tale thing!! LOL
The Elf in tights thing is really funny too! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]
How about this ( Another Matrix parody)

Elrond: Come with us Mister Greenleaf

Leglolas: The Name IS LEGO!! [img]smilies/cool.gif[/img]

Nah, that was dumb.
Let me try again.

A long long time ago:
Deagol is eating a box of cracker jacks and picks out a ring and Gollum takes it from him.

the 2nd age

Frodo is eating a box of cracker jacks, pulls out another One ring.

Frodo: Wow, hey Uncle Bilbo looky what I found!

Bilbo, upset and astounded, rushes over to compare the two.

Bilbo : I don't believe it!

Sam comes bumbling up the walk to Bag End, pops his head in the window and with a mouth choc-full-o cracker jacks and exclaims,'Miffer Frodo, Loo wha I found!', as chewed carmel covered pop corn hits Bilbo's face.
Bilbo inspects Sams ring as well.

Bilbo: They are just cheap imitations.

Gollum sitting in the woods he is so fat he looks like a bloated frog with a humongous pile of empty cracker jack boxes on one side
and a giant pile of One rings in front of him.

Gollum: Ohh yessss, we have the Preciousesss now don't we. Yessss we has the preciousesssss. Because preciousss has had babiesss yess.

[ April 27, 2003: Message edited by: Yavanna Kementari ]

[Daewen]

Here are some more...

Aragorn: It's a bird, it's a plane, it's an eggsalad sandwich...
Bormir: No you idiot...
Both: It's Captian Underpants!!!

Denethor: "Hey Faramir! Let's have a father/son bonding moment! You get the gasoline, I'll get the matches!"

Turin: I'm happy! I'm happy in my marriage, I'm happy in my life, I'm happy in my job! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!

Peter Jackson: *Arwen* in the movie? ARWEN? Are you insane?!

[Tinuviel the Nightingale]

Gandalf is on top of Orthanc in the evil clutches of Saruman, bringer of all things Fluffy and Special. Suddenly a moth flies straight towards him.

Gandalf: "Arrggh! A moth!!!" (squish!)

[stickifinger]

Ted Sandyman: I want to hear more about Sam, dad. Why didn't they put in more of his talk, dad? That's what I like, it makes me laugh. And Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam, would he, dad?

[Oddwen]

Lol, stickifinger! Still laughing...

Sam: "The sum of the square of the right triangle is equal to the legs of the hypotnuse."

Fro: Yah, who cares about the ring? Let's go home and WASH SOME WINDOWS!! Woohooo!!

Legolas: They sing a lament for Gandalf...no, wait! Um, sorry, that's 99 Beers on the Wall!

(way back from the first page, that)

Legolas: Uh, no wait that's 99 bottles of Beer on the Wall!
Frodo: That is his lament!
Pippin: *sniff* That was his favorite song..."

[ May 06, 2003: Message edited by: Oddwen ]

[Helkahothion]

Frodo: I see dead people
Sam: We all do you stupid mofo!
Frodo: What the hell is your problem?
Sam: That I am stuck up with you. I don't know why I am still here.
Frodo:You're father tolled you to!
Sam: Ahw screw him. What does he know?

Sam walks of swearing.

[Everdawn]

Legolas: Charlie's Angels! Please save us!!

Merry: Ale increases your character.
Pippin: I agree Meriadoc, did you know that when you drop things down wells they make noise.

[SilverEmbers]

Lol- Sauron: the ring is just to pretty for me to have-lets donate it to the Save The Elves fund!

[Daewen]

Aragorn: C'mon baby let's paint the town...and all that jazz! (hope you guys have seen Chicago. Good movie, but it shouldn't have beat TTT for best film...there was NO plot!!!)

Gandalf: D00 j00 5p34l< 1-14x00r?

Saruman: And as the Chairman of the Middle Earth Greenpeace Organization I would just like to announce that we are donating $5,000 to help maintain Fangorn Forest!

Treebeard: C'mon hurry up.

[Thorin Oakenshield]

Gandalf: I cant believe Sauron has goten so far. I look up to him!

[Tarien Ithil]

101 Things LOTR characters would never say

Ummm…what to say. OK, let me have a go at it. (please excuse the lameness)

Elrond: SMILE!! You’re on candid camera!

Arwen: Git lost, Aragorn! Who would want a scruffy man when I can have…*sighs dreamily*…..Legolas….

Aragorn: Where did you say the soap was? I’d like to have a bath so Arwen will love me again. *sniff sniff*. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Tom Bombadil: *Groans* …Hmph..… I REALLY don’t feel like singing right now. A break, please? Please?

Gimli (in the Mines of Moria): Eeeewww! What a wreck this place is!


OK, for my first go, wasn’t it? OK, maybe I’m being vain but anyway! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]


Take care, eh?

Tarien Ithil

[SamwiseGamgee]

Boromir: 'What is this new devilry?'
Gandalf: 'Weasels! Ancient weasels running up and down your legs and int your pants! Weasels, I tell you!'

Pippin: 'Actually, just leave it, I'm not that hungry.'

Gimli: 'Ooh, a pink axe? Yes please.'

Sam: 'Cheerio, Frodo.'

Aragorn: 'I never wanted to be King of Gondor, I wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the River Isen!'

Elrond: 'Anyone fancy a belching competition?'

Galadriel: 'Let's go round the back of the tree for a ***, Frodo.'

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Tom Bombadil: Faster you miserable cretins! *whips Hobbits with the Cat O'Nine Tails*

[SamwiseGamgee]

Eomer, what is this apparent undying fascination with the cat o' ninetails that you have? Haha!

Gollum: 'Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. But half a bee has got to be vis a vis its entity. But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, when half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?'
Sam: Sucks quizzically on pipe whilst furrowing his brow. 'An interesting point you raise, my dear Smeagol. And one which must be addressed, I feel. Now, it's as my old gaffer would say: Half a bee is, despite being only half of its origonal entity by its very morphological definition only half of what it should be, and therefore half a bee is half a bee.'
Frodo: 'But my dear Samwise, you have forgotten the argument of the teleologist. This "ancient injury" of which Gollum...sorry, Smeagol, speaks would surely, by teleological thinking, have happened for a purpose, in order that the task which this half a bee- we shall call him Eric- has been appointed with may be fulfilled. By this reasoning the bee, despite being "Eric the half a bee" by the morphological definition, is by teleological reasoning an entire bee for the purposes of fulfilling his long-appointed task. Your thoughts, Master Smeagol?'
Gollum: 'I'll be honest with you, I was quoting Monty Python and am just bored now. You got any fish?'

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Now that you've called me 'Eomer' I just feel very strange now! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Also, nice Denis Law reference!

If we can continue the 'Only an Excuse' theme;

Aragorn: Faur's the birds?

(for all you non-Scots, this loosely translates as "Could you please tell me the whereabouts of the fair, young women?")

[SamwiseGamgee]

Haha! There are too many!
Gandalf: At the Black Gate, realising The Ring has been destroyed 'Shockarooney!'
Nice Scots translation, by the way, Burns himself would have been proud.

[Saraphim]

*Just outside Fangorn Forest, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are resting for the night.*
Gimli: What was that noise? Did you see that shadow move? And where is that bloody Elf?!?!?
Aragorn: Shhh.*whispers* Over there, in the forest, do you see that light?
*Gimli nods*
Aragorn: *gets up* come, master Gimli, and have your axe at the ready.
*Pushing aside some branches, they come to a small clearing in the woods. Legolas is in purple,silk pajamas, looking into an oversized mirror he stuck onto a tree. He looks at his two companions, who are standing dumbfounded, then goes back to rebraiding his hair.*
Legolas: Well, you cant expect me to go around looking like you people! And why didnt you TELL me I had a smudge on my forehead the WHOLE TIME we were running here? And in front of Eomer too...

Sorry it's so long winded, heres a shorter one:
Frodo: Why does Gandalf alway wear grey?
Aragorn: Meddle not in the affairs of Saruman, for he is quick to put black socks into your whites

[Ainaserkewen]

Legolas: Life is pain highness...anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something...

Actually Daewen, the quote is
"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] Kudos for using that quote...Princess Bride is my second favourite movie.

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 1:02 PM January 16, 2004: Message edited by: Ainaserkewen ]

[Nimrothiel]

"Frodo: Why does Gandalf always wear grey?
Aragorn: Meddle not in the affairs of Saruman, for he is quick to put black socks into your whites."

Roflmao!!!! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Eomer: "I would cut off your head, dwarf; if only it stood a little higher from the ground."

Gimli: "Oh really? You and what army?"

Argghhh, that was lame. [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Pippin: I'm out of Bacardi Breezers. Merry, get me a Bailey's.

[SamwiseGamgee]

King Theoden: At Helm's Deep 'Oooh, there's rather a lot of them, isn't there. Gamling, pass me the white flag.'

Gimli: 'Make mine a mineral water. Sparkling, please.'

Aragorn: While running across the plains of Rohan 'My feet hurt, I haven't slept in days and I really need to go poo. Who cares about Merry and what's-his-name? It's not like they've even got The Ring.'

Aragorn: 'Sphinkters say what.'
Elrond: 'What?'
Gandalf and Aragorn laugh at Elrond's stupidity.

Pippin: Aragorn is eight feet tall. And if he were here, he'd blast the Uruks with lightning bolts from his eyes, and thuder bolts from his arse! | Braveheart, a wonderful movie. |

...

Pippin and Merry: But the only brew for the brave and truuuuue, comes from the Green Dragon!

Gandalf: So that's why all the rum's gone. | PotC! Yay! |

...

Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas bowing before the mysterious White Wizard at Fangorn...

Aragorn: You killed my Gandalf!!

The White Wizard: No, Aragorn, I AM your Gandalf.

Aragorn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[Lily]

Eowyn to Witch-King: Your mother wore combat boots!

Witch-King: My mother was a saint!

Eowyn: ...........

[Finwe]

Gandalf (before the Doors of Durin): Umm... guys... now would be a bad time to tell you that I left my copy of Everything you want to know about Middle-earth (and Passwords too!) back in Rivendell, right?

[Thengal]

Sauroman: "There will be no dawn for men."

Grima: "PROVE IT!!!!!!!!!" [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Crystal Heart]

These are so great!!

Here are mine. I don't think they are great, but I hope they are funny enough for your liking everyone!

Frodo: Where are we?
Sam: Who knows? Let's just toss the ring in the ditch and go back to the Shire.
Frodo: Okay

Gandalf: You are by far the worst ring bearer I have ever heard of.
Frodo: But you have heard of me

Pippin: We've been drinking too much
Merry: Maybe we should enter the Alcholics Annoymus group.

Arwen: Who are you?
Aragorn: The man you love.
Arwen: Which one?

Aragorn: Do you see what I see?
The Fellowship: A star, A star, high above the trees, with a voice as big as the seas. With a voice as big as the seas.

Gimli: This is my home
Gandalf: I've never seen pink dwarf walls before
Gimli: They are the newest fashion in Gondor

Aragorn: Got your weapons?
Gimli and Legolas: Yep
Aragorn: Got your water bottles?
G & L: Yep
Aragorn: Need to go to the bathroom?
G & L: Yep
Aragorn: Then go
Legolas: I didn't really, just forgot how to say no

Orcs: I can't stand all this blood, let's go to the mall

I don't know about these, I think they are funny, but let me know!

[SamwiseGamgee]

Very good, Crystal Heart! I especially like the Frodo: 'But youhaveheard of me!' Hehe! Welcome to the Downs, by the way. May your soul struggle here for many years! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

Merry: 'Phew, I'm tired.'
Pippin: 'Yeah, let's just turn in for an early night, eh. just stay out of trouble.'

Legolas: 'Another drink, Gimli?'
Gimli: 'No thanks.'

[Catlyn21]

Don't know if anybody's said something like this yet:

Aragorn: Hmm... maybe the "I just washed my hair in bacon fat" look isn't really working for me....

^Yes, rather boring, I know... I only posted this so my postings would go up.... plus I'm in school right now (supposed to be typing an essay!) and am really bored.

~Caitlyn [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

[Elassar 516]

This is an Awesom thread!

Fangorn: Hello Saruman, I brought you a present, they call themselves "hobbits" I thought you'd have some use for them.
Saruman: Wow, just what I always wanted! Oh by the way can you come over for tea next week?
Fangorn: Sure anytime. Oh and by the way, if you ever need wood, my forest isat your disposal.

Gollum: Massster, we could help you carry the Preciousssss.
Frodo: Okay here you go, it's been rather heavy lately.

Denethor: Gandalf, so good to see you, any chance you have found the long-lost heir of Isildur?
Gandalf: as a matter of fact, yes.
Denethor: How splendid!

Sauron: I wish I had eyelashes.

Denethor: And know I shall burn myself and my son alive.
Pippin: Are you sure you want to do that?
Denethor: On second thought, burning myself really isn't a very good idea.
Or
Pippin: Great idea, can you burn me to?

Sam: Gollum, if you ever get the ring back will you give me the Shire to be my own personel garden?
Gollum: Okay, nice hobbit.

(Gandalf changes Theoden back into a human beingin TT)
Theoden: My beutiful wrinkles, what did you do with them! Change me back, NOW!

Saruman after gathering his huge army: You know, maybe I shouldn't take over Rohan...

Gandalf on Orthanc when Gwaihir shows up: Ugh, you again, couldn't some other eagle come to rescue me.

Sauron: Really, what's the point of a big scary eye without eyelashes...