Arda Employment Agency

[Diamond18]

This idea seemed suspiciously familiar to me, but I wasn't able to find anything like it, so here goes:

Welcome to the Arda Employment Agency! What's it for, you wonder? Well, I thought it would be fun to come up with job related spoofs, such as 21st Century occupations Tolkien characters might be good at, or writing up mock résumés for characters, or Want Ads, or funny answers a character might put down on a job application, etc.

I'll give some examples:

Wanted: Companion for Perilous Quest.
Must be loyal, brave, trustworthy and loving. No previous adventuring experience necessary. Good cooking skills are a plus, and ability to carry employer on back is a must. Lurk under the window at Bag-end for details.

Or a job application question:

Have you ever been cast out of Eä into the Void for reasons other than layoff due to lack of work?

Or an answer for the question: List all magic rings, equipment or any other skill related to the job you are applying for that you possess: "I am a Servant of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Arnor, and Keeper of Narya, the Red Ring of Fire!"

You get the idea. Anything that has to do with employment, post it here!

[Meela]

Wanted: experienced, reliable ranger to guard spacious and comfortable land. Choice of areas in Ithilien or Gondor. Skill with bow and sword necessary. Dead brother optional.

Apply to Denethor, PO Box 1, Gondor.

[LePetitChoux]

Wanted: Burglar to help 13 dwarves steal gold. Terms and conditions apply. Don't call us, we'll call you.

That wasn't original, BTW. [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img] [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]

[Diamond18]

Very good! More? (I beg shamelessly [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] )

[TealDude3]

WANTED!!!
An elven princess willing to stele other elves parts and rescue hobbits in distress. Must know elvish and have a striking resemblesnce to the actoress from Armageddon.

[Lindril Arvilya]

Wanted: Good optomitrist for checkup. Must have good pain-tolerance levels and own flame-resistant clothes. Please present yourself to any outpost or tower in or near Mordor, and ask to be taken to the boss.

[Beren87]

Wanted: Exterminator, must have experience in handeling large fire demons and cave trolls. Send application to

Lord of Moria
123 Durins Bane Lane
Moria, 12502

[ December 03, 2002: Message edited by: Beren87 ]

[Aylwen Dreamsong]

Wanted: Expert at ancient craft of fireworks. Must be fire and hobbit-tolerant, with plenty of lovely fireworks for a party including half a shire.

(would have thought of a cool address to send to but I'm too tired. Sorry [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img] )

[Beren87]

Wanted: Gatekeeper for Bree, needs experience in dealing with hobbits. Bravery required as last keeper was killed. Experience in dealing with Black Riders helpful.

[Diamond18]

I like! (Especially the optometrist one) [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

Wanted: Tall, thin, beautiful people between the ages of 16 and 30 who can be available on call 24 hours a day for two years. Apply to Victoria Burrows, John Hubbard, Amy MacLean, Liz Mullane or Ann Robinson.

(I got that from one of the features on the regular ed. DVD...that the specs. they needed for all the Elves in the movie.)

Wanted: Elven archer for year long quest. Must be skilled in quick, madcap arrow flinging as well as having excellent aim. Being easy on the eyes is a plus, but will consider all applicants. Apply to Elrond Half-Elven at mailto:youshallbethefellowshipofther...ladrisjobs.comyoushallbethefellowshipofthering@imladrisjobs.com</A>

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Wanted: Resident caretaker for recently-vacated tower. Building requires minimal maintenance, but some experience with water damage is desirable. Would suit tree-lover.

Apply Estel Employment, 1 High St, Minas Tirith. No megalomaniacs please.

[Beren87]

Wanted: One security expert, needs to be knowledgeable in the latest techniques. Needs to have experience in diging tunnels and scaling mountains. Give application to Ulmo, we'll find you.
Sincerely,
Turgon.

[the witch king]

baggans of the shire magical ring is a must wanted for immediate relocation to mordor for more info see the witch king of angmar of any of the 9 dark riders in your area now

[Diamond18]

Wanted: One articulate but depraved individual to act as spokesman for disembodied Maia. No names please; there is no "me" in Mordor. You will be provided with a title.

Send résumé to:

Dark Lord Enterprises
c/o the Lidless Eye
666 Dark Tower
Lugburtz, Mordor

Or e-mail us at:

wheretheshadowslie@darklord.eye

[Rimbaud]

Wanted:

Malcontents of Arda for recruitment to Army of Darkness. Unparalleled potential for career growth and job satisfaction. No prior world-taking-over skills required; you will receive on-the-job training. Please apply, on a postcard to:

"There's No Eye in Team Sauron!"
Mount Doom Televisual Enterprises
Peter Jackson Street, Mordor.

Feel free to give us a Ring.

Additionally, Shelob of MDTV's syndicate partner Ungoliant Enterprises seeks Webmasters to expand her Web presence.

mailto:shelob@web.netshelob@web.net</A>

(MDTV is a subsidiary of Disney Corp.)

[Diamond18]

Wanted: Spy. Must be a smooth talker, skillful at deceit and slander. Discontentment with current job plus a certain degree of lust are helpful attributes.

Apply to Sharkey at:
5 Wizards Lane
Orthanc, Isengard

Or visit my website at manycolours.cur for further details and an online application.

...
...
...

Welcome to the official website of Saruman of Many Colours! NEW!!! NEW!!! NEW!!! Now hiring: Download application form here.

...
...
...

Name:
Last...............Middle...............First
Gálmóndson.....Wormtounge.......Gríma

Who is your current master?
Théoden Thingolson, King of Rohan

What information or services can you provide?
I can use my words to prematurely age men and cause women to become depressed and suicidal, plus anything else my master might ask of me. My tongue is at your command.

Check all applicable boxes:

Are you discontented with your current job? Yes ( X ) No ( ) Moderately so ( )

To what lengths are you willing to go to betray your current master?
Great lengths ( X ) Short lengths ( ) Fat lengths ( ) Skinny lengths ( ) I'd rather go eat worms ( )

What do you wish for in payment?
Money ( ) Power ( ) Knowledge ( ) Immortality ( ) The woman you desire ( X )

How much mental and physical abuse can you endure without snapping?
Vast amounts ( X ) Moderate amounts ( ) Small amounts ( ) None: I'm a sensitive wimp ( )

Submit Form

...
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...

Thank you for applying. Your credentials have been submitted to Sharkey for consideration. Have a miserable day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okey-dokey, please tell me, was that funny or just kind of boring?

Oh and, don't bother using those links, they're fake. But you knew that [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] .

[ December 05, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Kalimac]

Diamond, very nice [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]. It's frighteningly easy to picture Orthanc as being cluttered with useless bureaucratic paperwork like that app, now that I think of it...he probably gives employment aptitude quizzes too, urgh. ("What do you feel is your biggest failing?" "Uh, mercy." "Out!")

ARE YOU A MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER WITH A TAKE-CHARGE ATTITUDE??

Then the White Hand wants YOU! Our newly created team of Fighting Uruk-Hai is revolutionizing Middle-Earth history, but the battle won't be won without you! Come join our lively, exciting atmosphere of constant battles, exhilirating, healthy marches by night AND - in an exciting new development - by day! Learn new skills, make new friends, and have food and clothing provided as well - all at our expense! Frequent opportunities for promotion as leadership positions are always opening up! Call 1-888-SARUMAN, email saruman@nancurunir.bad, or write to

P.O. Box 1
Orthanc 666.

Or beam in by Palantir; just select "Palantir 7" and use the Black Channel.

BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE!!!

*Medical coverage provided, including all costs of burial or cremation; no body return since you're an Orc and don't have a family anyway. No dental, you'd never use it. 401K provided after six months of service or after your decease, whichever comes later.

[Diamond18]

Lol, that was excellent Kalimac, as always [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] . I especially liked the part about new leadership opportunities. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[mordor136]

WANTED- new lord of the ringwraiths. must be tall and scary. you must provide your own black cloak. Also if possible knee guards apparently the first ones weren't "mighty" enough cause a little sword hurts alot.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Those are some pretty tempting offers.

We could, of course, apply this to an earlier period entirely:

Bored? Lonely? Shaped like a giant arachnid? Capable of creating webs of pure darkness? Why not take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make big profits? Why not become a partner in the most profitable liquidation in the history of Arda?

The finances for this project have already been found, and I require assistance only to maintain secrecy during my acquisition of stock. Disaffection with the current management of Two Trees Inc would help, but a 'can do' attitude is much more important to me, as this enterprise may entail a certain amount of risk. As I said above the potential profits are enormous, although you may prefer to eat the proceeds instead.

Interested parties need only reply to me at melkormasteroftheworld@DarkLordEnterprises.org to set them on the road to riches beyond their wildest dreams (or a nice drink of sap).

[Frodo Baggins]

Oh Diamond 18!!!

I absoluttely LOVED your's!!!!! hee hee

[Diamond18]

Thanks, Frodo. [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] And Squatter, I loved yours...can I apply? [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Kalimac]

Thanks, Diamond! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]. Squatter, yours was fantastic! (I'm still a little afraid to do Silmarillion ones, for some reason). Hmmm, what next....

INTERESTED IN MAKING FAST MONEY WHILE WORKING AT HOME?

Join the new "Neighborhood Watch" specially sponsored by the Lidless Eye himself and cosponsored by the Barad-Dur and Minas Morgul Preservation Commissions. Put your observational and deductional skills to work while observing the comings and goings in your area and submitting a monthly report to our local contact. No previous experience necessary; we offer a competitive salary and benefits, as well as a chance for handsome commissions should your reports lead to the capture of extralegal elements. We have several immediate openings in all four Farthings, especially Hobbiton and Bree. Apply to our local agents:

Hobbiton - Ted Sandyman
2 Millers Crossing
Little Griping
Hobbiton 02165

Bree - Bill Ferny
"The Old Barn"
45 Apple Way
Bree 03472

[ December 07, 2002: Message edited by: Kalimac ]

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Experienced lingerie designer seeks new employment, as her former company, Doriath's Secrets, was liquidated. Specialty protective girdles, expandable yet comfortable. Please contact Ms. Melian Elwë, Nightingale Lane, Lórien.

PS - I am enjoying this thread tremendously - keep up the good ideas, everyone!

[ December 07, 2002: Message edited by: Estelyn Telcontar ]

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

can I apply?

Dark Lord Enterprises is an equal-opportunities employer. Anyone with the requisite skills may apply for an equal* partnership in this unique enterprise.

We may be able to accommodate Ms Elwë as well. Do you undertake bespoke work?

Kalimac - nice idea. I've a feeling that we need to keep a much closer watch on those pesky hobbits, whatever Sauron may think.

* Subject to our terms and conditions, available on application to askmenoquestionsandhearnolies@DarkLordEnterprises. org

-----------------
Another advertisement could read:

Wanted: Stonemasons, carpenters, glaziers, architects, civil engineers and affiliated trades for large construction project. Hardiness and complete discretion essential. Please apply to 'T' at PO Box 902, Nevrast, Beleriand.

[Diamond18]

These are excellent, you guys! I'm loving it. [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

Wanted:

Do you have a lovely voice? Can you sing in harmony for long periods of time without flagging or attempting to usurp the melody? Soprano, Alto, Tenor, Bass—it doesn't matter. I want YOU to join my chorus! That's right, I'm looking for highly creative, forward thinking Ainur with vocal chords that can go the distance.

Also, a select few will be chosen for special duties in exotic locales. Do not miss this opportunity! Sing the World and See the World; join the Ainulindalë Project today!

Write to:

The Ainulindalë Project
c/o Eru Ilúvatar
One Flame Imperishable Avenue
Timeless Halls, E.R.U.

[ December 07, 2002: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[busybee]

Are you bored with your life?Do you need adventure to make it more interesting?Well here is your chance!Join our Fellowship to go on the adventure of a lifetime.Now we know you are eager to join but you need qualifications:
-Must be able to work as part of a group
-Must be able to accept the leadership of others
-Must be a light eater and sleeper
-Must be able to use some form of weapon not including dagger
-Must have some expertise on survival techniques
So here is your chance to look Death in the eye!Join the Fellowship of the Ring now!!

[ December 20, 2002: Message edited by: busybee ]

[DarkRose]

Great work, guys! I'm laughing my head off here.

Wanted: A sturdy, durable pony for a quest that will determine the fate of all.

Requirements: Must be extremely tolerant, for a pudgy hobbit man will lovingly clutch your neck and weep into your mane on a daily basis. Must not be a picky eater, for you will only have ransid elf chow to eat.

(Beware that the only things you will see for months will be the rear ends of squat hobbits and burly men. [not a pretty sight] Also, beware of rejection. The men have a tendency to throw you back to the wolves once they reach safe mines.)

Please send applications to:

Bill the Disgruntled and Annoyed Pony
The Middle of Lost Peril
Middle Earth

[Diamond18]

Wanted: Nine extrememly gullible and short-sighted Men, preferably Kings. No special skills required, merely the ability to extend hand, take ring, and put said ring on. On the job training will be provided subsequently. Just a few of the great rewards will be unending life, a keen sense of smell, wicked halitosis, and fun and exciting new types of mounts. Also, you will never have to think for yourself ever again. No cares! No fears! Hurry and get your rings today, before it's too late!

Send inquiries to Annatar the Fair: giftlord@eyegivepresents.com

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Wanted: motivated self-starters to take part in exploration/restoration project.

We are looking for experienced stonemasons, miners, carpenters and smiths to join our committed and determined team of restorers working in one of Arda's most impressive stately homes. Although experience in fighting Orcish hordes would be an advantage, a stout heart, a strong arm and a knack for finding Truesilver are all that you need to become an important member of our corporate family.

The potential rewards of this project have to be seen to be believed. A competitive salary is only the beginning, as potential commissions and bonuses can include the hoarded treasure of generations, huge veins of Mithril and as many halls as you can reclaim. Promotion is fast in this fluid and forward-looking environment, so there is every chance that you could have what it takes to be the Lord of Moria.* Contact us now for your free prospecting pack and pre-filled headstone at

Balin, son of Fundin,
Dwarrowdelf Project,
Hall 12,
Second Deep,
Erebor

Or visit our web-site at www.lordofmoria.com

*Quick promotion is due to high probability of unpleasant death. Those suffering from Balrog-related allergies should not apply.

[Agent Evenstar]

Wanted: Large troll

Requirements: Must be large and strong. The ability to follow orders when given is a must. Intelligence is not a main concern...

Job Description: It depends on what you are assigned too and what you are mentally capable of. It is possible that you will be in operation of various machineries of war, such as battering rams, catapults, and the pushing of seige towers. You may also be enlisted to charge the gates of a city once they are knocked down and wage battle on the people behind them, providing you can handle a large club and are not afraid to wreak havoc on your enemies. There is also the possibility that you may be assigned to the opening and closing of the Gates of Mordor if you are found lacking in the war department.



WARNING: You will most likely be put in compromising situations during battle. When this happens, you are soley responsible for yourself and the preservation of your own life, so do not expect us to come to your defense, should you end up surrounded or brought down. Health plans and dental are not offered.

Thank you for your time
- Sauron, lord of Mordor

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Are you tired of your backwards country? Would you like to see progress being made? Well, we may just have a job for you! We here at Lotho Enterprises love our home, that's why we want to better it! Come join our industrial family today. We don't have a problem with trees or flowers, we just don't want them here. Got hay-fever? Make it personal! Machinery, fire and smoke is the way forward. Natural greenery is old-fashioned and many observers believe that exposure to it stunts growth and causes impotence. So what are you waiting for? A better Shire is there, you just need to make it happen!

Contact The Chief at thechief.lotho@iamtheboss.com

Please no questions regarding my white-haired friend and his 'pet'. They are answerable to me, and me alone. Your friend, Lotho Sackville-Baggins.

[Arwen Evenstar]

If the form Pippin was filling out for a job asked for a self desciption, what would he put?

Description: Small about 3 foot 8, thick brown curls on both head and feet, bare-foot, beautiful blue/hazel eyes, a dazzling smile, and a sexy scottish accent.

[Saraphim]

Tired of waiting around Elvenhome? Well then join the House of Finwe! We offer two ways to the fabulous Middle-Earth:

If Kinslaying's your thing, then come down to the harbors and sign up with Feanor or any of his sons. They'll set you up with something sharp that you can hurl at pesky Teleri. Then enjoy months of backbreaking work at sea on a never ending quest to find three small jewels!

OR

Sign up with Fingolfin for a lovely stroll down Helcaraxe! The grinding ice is a perfect way to spend your year. Enjoy the below freezing climate as you walk over uncharted ice cliffs with very little food or protective clothing!

The House of Finwe wants YOU!

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Fed up with Feanor and Fingolfin? Not really interested in adventure? Join the Vanyar and hang around in Valinor! Who wants to be fighting Balrogs when you could be loafing around on the grass watching beautiful maidens dance all day? Idiots, that's who! Are you an idiot?

Join us. You don't even need to apply (that's the beauty of it), all you need to do is hide in your house until Feanor leaves.

[Araréiel]

Wanted: Tall, pale, and blonde! (lol, j/k-I got one already and he's waiting for me to get to bed)

Wanted: Hairdresser. Must understand hair like no one else. An obsession with hair is desireable.

Okay, my post-midnight brain is too tired to think of anything fun.

[The Perky Ent]

Wanted: Man of Royal Lineage to go on a impossible quest. Reward: You get to be married to the most beautiful elf in Arda. Applicant must not be too attached to their hand.

[Osse]

UNCLE SAURON NEEDS YOU

Fed up with sand, sun and sweat?? Join the armies of Mordor and see the world in open-air comfort atop your own, personal Oliphaunt (supplied by applicant) !!!

Do you feel hard-done-by?? Have the West-Men plagued your country's existance?? Are you looking for excitement and challenge?? Have you got a firey, unconquerable nature??

THEN THE HOSTS OF MORDOR ARE FOR YOU!!!


Enquire now at your local Hosts of Mordor recruiting post, or simply fill out the registration form on our website :

http://www.wannajointhehostsofmordor...mor/more_pawns

[Araréiel]

Osse, that one's excellent! And the weblink you did for it- more_pawns. Gotta love it!

[Osse]

Thanks