Who Would Win?

[Fordim Hedgethistle]

Choose a kind of contest and two characters from Middle-Earth to compete in it, and then explain who you think would win and why.

For example:

In a footrace between Frodo and Legolas, I think Frodo would win because he would never give up and keep going and going, despite the fact he had no hope of overcoming the swifter Elf, while Legolas would get distracted by the sight of seabirds, or run away at the first sight of a Balrog, or whitter away a century or so drifting through Fangorn listening to the trees.

In a belching contest between the Balrog and Smaug the Balrog would easily beat Smaug because it doesn't waste any breath on talking before doing something; Smaug would use up a lot of good gas trying to trash talk the Balrog.

In a flying contest between the Balrog and Smaug the Balrog would also win because the Balrog has wings and they are much bigger than a dragon's.

In a potato growing contest between Sam and Yavanna Sam would win because he would be salivating at the thought of nice crispy chips while Yavanna would be more interested in making a potato without eyes or something.

In a beauty contest between Galadriel and Arwen Galadriel would win because nobody would remember that Arwen was even there (unless they'd seen the movie version, in which case Arwen would win because she'd inexplicably whip out a sword and threaten the audience).

In a long distance spitting contest between Sauron and Gandalf, Sauron would win because Gandalf would have the good sense to let him.

And finally. . .

In a hard body contest between Aragorn and Legolas, Aragorn would win because Elves are sissies!

(Apologies if this has been done before -- I swear that I looked and looked but I could not find anything like this. If it has been done before then *&!@*%^&$#!!! )

[the phantom]

In an orc slaying contest between Turin and Hurin Hurin wins in a landslide because orcs, as we know, seem to always flee from Turin and his black sword. By the time Turin has chased down a few, his daddy has killed seventy or so. But Turin redeems himself by defeating his father in an orc scaring contest. He is rewarded with a long, steamy victory-kiss from his sister.

In a talking contest between Glaurung and Smaug, Smaug takes an early lead with idle chatter and small-talk, but Glaurung proves he's the dragon-daddy and busts out with some nasty curses and fiendish put-downs. But Smaug evens the score in a flying contest. From just high enough to be out of range of Glaurung's fiery breath, Smaug taunts the wingless dragon- "You're an out-dated model!"..."Real dragons have wings!"... and of course "Attercop!" and "Tomnoddy!"

[The Only Real Estel]

In a flying contest between the Balrog and Smaug Smaug would win because Balrogs, of course, have no wings .

In a staff fighting contest between Saruman & Gandalf Saruman would win because Gandalf would let him, knowing he could just get another later. And another and another...

[Nimrodel_9]

In a wheel-barrow race between teams Legolas/Pippin, and Merry/Aragorn

Team Merry/Aragorn would win because Legolas would be too terrified to touch Pippin`s hairy-hobbit-feet.

[Lachwen]

In a staring contest between Aragorn and Sauron; Sauron wins, of course, because he's a giant eye: probably doesn't even have eyelids.

In a beauty contest between Gimli and Boromir; Gimli wins because he actually washes his hair.

In a tree-climbing contest between Sam and Gollum; Sam wins, despite his inbred fear of heights, because Gollum says the tree smells like Elves and leaves to wash his hands.

In an arm-wrestling contest between the Witch-king and Merry; Merry wins by distracting the Witch-king with a sword to the back of the knee.

In an archery contest between Legolas and Lachwen; Lachwen wins because Legolas plucks like a biznatch.

[Lalwendë]

In a welly throwing competition * between Tom Bombadil and Strider, which would of course be held at the Prancing Pony Beer Festival and Family Fun Day on Wedmath Holiday Monday, then the competition would be closely fought. Tom's infamous yellow boot would speed through the air aided by the sneaky workings of Goldberry, who would charm the breeze to better propel the boot. But Strider, with his 'high boots of supple leather' would have the advantage of greater height and a longer reach. Ultimately, the layers of mud caking Strider's boot would take away any advantage he gained, by reducing the aerodynamic properties of the said item. Many cheers all round for Tom Bombadil as he aces the competition and then proceeds to spend the rest of the day in draining the last barrel of Old Hobgoblin dry.

*Welly throwing is a very silly competitive game which will be familiar to UK readers of a certain age and background...

[Lachwen]

In a caber toss between Saruman and Treebeard: Treebeard wins by successfully tossing not only the caber, but the entire Tower of Orthanc as well.

In a fishing competition between Sméagol and Déagol: Déagol takes an early lead by actually catching a fish while Sméagol sits on shore, but is murdered by Sméagol and thus disqualified.

And in an arrow-catching competition between Boromir and Faramir: well, that's just harsh, isn't it?

[Rimbaud]

In a Scrabble competition between Frodo and Legolas, the Elf triumphs, due to his language having a higher average of letters per word, and a preponderance of 'q's.

In a Monopoly competition between Frodo and Gimli, the Dwarf comes through easily, as he has a more natural propensity to hoard and gather resources, and proves a ruthless landlord. Frodo, rather sportingly, lets Gimli stay in Park Lane for free. Feh!

In a Poker competition between Frodo and Gandalf, the wizard snatches the cash, due to his face being entirely obscured by bushy beard, not allowing Frodo to read his reactions. The Hobbit's ruddy cheeks are thoroughly scarlet by now. Three straight defeats!

In a Cross-country race between Frodo and Aragorn, the Man is victorious, because a) his legs are longer and b) he's a Ranger. Doh! Four down for Mr Baggins.

In an Eating competition between Frodo and Sam, the young Gamgee is ecstatic following a thumping win, as Frodo is worried that excessive weight gain may not enable him to wear fine pieces of gold jewellery, particularly on his fingers.

In an Invisibility competition between Frodo, and the two Blue Istari, the mssing wizards are successful by default, as nobody had seen them at all, whereas they'd all see Frodo fall over in the pub and disappear.

Thoroughly fuming by this point, Frodo sets off for his Ring-throwing competition with Sauron, with a deadly glint in his eye... Who'd be a naughty Maia, eh?

[Beanamir of Gondor]

In yet another Eating contest, this one between Merry and Pippin, both would eat themselves sick, and as they lie on the floor groaning and asking for a pipe, Frodo waltzes over and, picking up a single cracker FINALLY GETS A VICTORY by eating it! Merry and Pippin, after a long period of convalescence, are very bitter.

Then in a DITZSCHIFAT (think Mark Chang from Yugopotamia) between Boromir and Haldir, the Elf's herringbone is cut off by the Gondorian's sword, and the Men cheer; then Haldir whips out his bow and arrow. The manly heir to the Stewardship of Gondor falls to the ground whimpering. Faramir rushes into the ring and whips out a sword pilfered from an orc at Osgiliath. Haldir screams and tries to hide under the prone Boromir, and Faramir is declared the winner.

Finally, in the Forced-Growing contest between (yet again) Merry and Pippin, both spill so much Ent-draught that they are disqualified (even though Merry ends up as the tall hobbit yet again) by Treebeard, who roars at them for three days.

[Boromir88]

A Fight to the death, mudwrestling contest, for the love of Aragorn.-Between Arwen and Eowyn. Winner- Eowyn, since she just all around kicks butt, and can put some of those manly body slams down on Arwen. However, Aragorn seeing the strength of Eowyn, and seeing he doesn't want to be beaten down by a girl, decides he doesn't want to be with Eowyn. Eowyn still wins because of course Arwen is dead, she just doesn't get the guy.

A who's a more pessimistic misanthrope, most likely to commit suicide- Agent Elrond and Denethor. Agent Elrond is the more pessimistic misanthrope as he happens to hate everyone. "I hate dwarves, they hid ine their mountains, they don't care for anyone. I hate men, men are weak. I hate my daughter, she ran off with a man, who just happen to hate. I hate orcs they wounded my wife. I hate my wife she was wounded and left me. I hate my sons all they care about are killing the orcs I hate." Considering Agent Elrond hasn't committed suicide yet, like Denethor, Denethor wins by a judges decision. It was a close one.

A who's more of a radical fangurl contest- Beregond or Orlando Bloom fans. Winner-Orlando Bloom fans. For the simple fact that there's more of them. Beregond risked his life, risked his job, risked jail time, and has a shrine devoted solely with little Faramir memorabilia. But, there's just too many Orlando fans, and only one Beregond. Again, winner-Orlando Bloom fans.

[The Perky Ent]

In an Orc killing contest between Legolas and Gimli, Legolas would unfortunatly win because his arrows are computer animated, and could technically make the orcs extinct in one shot.

In a flying contest between the Balrog and Smaug, the Balrog would win because he can hop higher than Smaug can fly, and the Balrog used his wings (he has wings, but can't fly) to glide across the air.

In a ring destorying contest between Isildur and Frodo, Isildur would win, because according to my version of LOTR, Elrond grabs Aiglos and stabs Isildur in the chest. Then he lifts him up and chucks him into the fire.

In a dance contest between Frodo and Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadil would win, because the sheer color of his boots would blind the Shire out of all existance

[The Perky Ent]

In an Orc killing contest between Legolas and Gimli, Legolas would unfortunatly win because his arrows are computer animated, and could technically make the orcs extinct in one shot.

In a flying contest between the Balrog and Smaug, the Balrog would win because he can hop higher than Smaug can fly, and the Balrog used his wings (he has wings, but can't fly) to glide across the air.

In a ring destorying contest between Isildur and Frodo, Isildur would win, because according to my version of LOTR, Elrond grabs Aiglos and stabs Isildur in the chest. Then he lifts him up and chucks him into the fire.

In a dance contest between Frodo and Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadil would win, because the sheer color of his boots would blind the Shire out of all existance

[Ainaserkewen]

A flying contest between Pippin and Frodo...who am I kidding, I just really want to see them both launched. Probably Pippin because he would have the Took instinct to catch the upward drafts.

A singing contest between Aragorn and Legolas, I'd opt for Legolas because he's had so many more years of practice and Aragorn was probably shot down by Rivendell Elves when he was 10 and didn't sing in public much.

[Formendacil]

I shocked that this isn't in here yet... I really am!

In a disco contest between Boromir and... anybody...

(I'll let you guess what happens. )

[Glirdan]

In an orc killing contest between Legolas and Gimlig I'm afraid that Captain Obvious would win because he miraculously always has a full quiver of arrows!

In a hottest Steward contest between Denethor and Faramir Denethor would win because he was literally on fire where as Faramir was unfourtunately saved by Gandalf (oh no he's uncloaked again!! ) and Pippin.

[Lily Bombadil]

i'd like to see Gimli fight a toaster. I know, ridiculous--not to mention off-topic--but I'd love to see it. The toaster would start out in the lead, because it would burn Gimli, but Gimli would ultimately triumph, as he would hack it to tiny bits. Or, what if we took away his axe... Anyway, i'd like to see Gimli attack a toaster. i can just see him jumping it when the Eggo pops out!

[Glirdan]

You could say that for a lot of ME character's. But Captain Obvious would only point out after the Eggo popped out "Look! The Eggo popped out!!"

Anyway.......

In a fire contest between Sauron and Denethor Denethor would win because his body would be completely on fire. Sauron only has an Eye. Ok, a big Eye. I'll give him that, but no more.

[Valesse]

In a riddle contest between Bilbo and Gollum: Gollum would win, because, well, for being a tormented and wicked creature with an abnormally long life corrupted by the Ring... he at least played by the rules and asked riddles and not questions. Geeze, Bilbo. Gawd.

In a figure skating competition between Boromir and Gothmog: (Though an interesting crosssection) Gothmog would win, considering Boromir OBVIOUSLY tripped over nothing (as far as the judges could see) and was generally sloppy. Gothmog, however, even though he melted the ice through and found himself splashing in the suddenly boiling water (which led him to nearly incinerate the judges) rack up enough pity votes to win Miss Rohan were it his goal and, therefore, won.

In a rock climbing contest between Aragorn and a Moria Orc Aragorn, who'd barely leave the ground by the time the orc was 15 feet over head, would win because of the misfortunate destruction of said orc's life due to the interferance of that bow-twanging git, Legolas.

In the "Scariest being in Middle-Earth" with Sauron going eye-to-head with Bilbo Baggins: Sauron would suffer a crushing defeat by the ancient hobbit. Sauron is expected to be frightening... Bilbo just keeps becoming more and more like a one halfling horrorshow. (Scared me'h so bad...)

In a head banging competition pitting Pippin against Haldir: Haldir would win expecially if Gandalf were one of the judges... who'd say that Mister Took needs far more practice against the Walls of Moria.

[The 1,000 Reader]

In a Morgoth's favorite competition between Sauron and Gothmog: Gothmog would gain victory since he gained many important victories and was Morgoth's main battle captain, where as Sauron was a mere lieutenant and suffered such humiliating defeats( mostly due to stupid mistakes) that Morgoth may have very well hung him from the towers of Thangorodrim.

[Glirdan]

In a eyesight contest between the Eagles and Legolas Captain Obvious would take home the gold only because when the Eagles are in the sky the clouds block thier view. Stupid clouds!!!!!