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Old 10-24-2020, 03:57 PM   #336
Blossom of Dwimordene
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An obligatory post-exam party: Progress 2

I am particularly happy with Luthien's "When she came her breath made the leaves turn brown". Though the start of that stanza is a bit weird, almost bag-pipey.

Speaking of that line, how strongly do you feel about "when she came"? I feel like it's more the mention of death rather than its coming, which technically doesn't happen until later - unless it's the coming of mortality in the form of Beren. What is your take on it? Do you think something like "The breath of her name made the leaves turn brown"? Or just "From her breath the [insert something here] leaves turned brown"?

Also, how strongly do you feel about sticking to the original for "what is loyalty"? When I sing that part in Russian, I keep subconsciously changing vernost (loyalty) to nezhnost (tenderness). "Loyalty" just doesn't sit right. Not only is it a really odd question for Beren, who knows more about loyalty than Luthien does, but the answer of a nightingale's song is not even a good illustration or metaphor for it. The one thing going for loyalty is that is sort of echoes "tell the truth, O Loyalty, tell" - except that in this context the parallel isn't that strong, Meeting is more about internal concept building within the song. What do you say to picking out a better question?

ETA: as I'm copying the second half of the lyrics onto my music sheet, one more minor suggestion. "Then you weren't waiting for me" --> "were not"?
(Also, noticed while singing: "You lay in a grassy pool" - did it used to be "You fell into grassy pools" at one point, or did I make that up?)

ETA#2: Couldn't resist a one-man-sing-all version, after today's progress. Lesson learned: if you want to sing both Beren and Luthien simultaneously, first you need to grow a set of auxiliary lungs. ^.^
You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera

Last edited by Galadriel55; 10-25-2020 at 08:28 PM.
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