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Old 03-08-2005, 10:33 PM   #1
Neurion
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White Tree If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would....

Well, what would you do? How about it chaps?
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Old 03-08-2005, 10:49 PM   #2
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Q: What is 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the Anduin? A: A good start.

Send all the Gondorian lawyers out to negotiate a peace treaty.

(Relax! My sister is a lawyer - who do you think tells me all the lawyer jokes?)
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Old 03-08-2005, 11:01 PM   #3
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Eye

Funny thread.
Quote:
negotiate a peace treaty
Ha ha! Taking the French approach, I see.

What would I do? Hmm...

I know! I'd start a rumor that Turin came back to life, then I'd paint a sword black and charge at them. They'd probably run away.

If that didn't work, well, I suppose I'd ask everyone I knew if they were friends with the Ents, or at least knew where I could find a grove of orc-hating Huorns.
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Old 03-08-2005, 11:31 PM   #4
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If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would....
laugh and point and wonder how they got so small they could fit on my front door! Then I'd cover the door with a thick coat of barn red paint to make it match the roof! Bye bye 200,000 tiny orcs!

Cheers!
Lyta

P.S. Then I'd put my tiny houseplant Huorns out and let them feast on whatever tiny orcs fell off the door...
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Old 03-09-2005, 02:17 AM   #5
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Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!Estelyn Telcontar has reached the Cracks of Doom and destroyed the Ring!
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If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would....
...resurrect Martin Luther and have him nail his 95 theses to the door - preferably with 200,000 nails!
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Old 03-09-2005, 02:56 AM   #6
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1420! Orcs? 200 000 of them?

Show them they could be redeemed.
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Old 03-09-2005, 03:16 AM   #7
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200 000 Orcs......

I don't think I'd be able to do much as the sent of my flesh would probably send them wild, so they'd jump on me and tear me to pieces!

Ok, if they didn't jump at me straight away I'd pull out The One Ring which permanently lives around my neck on its very own silver chain, and put it on. I would then be so powerful I could bend their will to leaving my front door! Not that I would then get much peace as I imagine I would now be incredibly evil and try and take over the world. This would be so much hard work I would most likely die of exhaustion!

Ok, who am I kidding? I'd slam the door shut, run to the back of the house like I was being pursued by, well, 200 000 Orcs; throw open the back door and never come back to this part of Middle-Earth again! Of course I would probably die in The Wild....

Hmmmmmmmmm. *scratches head * I seem to always end up dying....
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Old 03-09-2005, 03:36 AM   #8
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Start a business manufacturing orcish products. They'd be happy little consumers in no time, and I would become bloated and wealthy. It's the Gondorian dream.
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Old 03-09-2005, 07:17 AM   #9
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If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would....

Sigh resignedly and dig deep into my pockets as I paid for 200,000 cotton tea-towels, before signing 200,000 sponsored walk pledge sheets and saying 200,000 times "No, I don't want anything from the Avon book, thank you" before closing the door and collapsing into an exhausted heap.
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Old 03-09-2005, 07:51 AM   #10
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I'd threaten to give them all a bath. That would probably be sufficient to frighten them off.

However, there don't really seem to be a lot of realistic options here other than "Die".
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Old 03-09-2005, 07:52 AM   #11
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Sting If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would....

If I were to find 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would most likely run into my room and get my fighting knives (the ones that are like Legolas' but they are because they are mine), which i had just purchaced some where becaue i want them so bad, i would then proceed to call my friend who has Anduril. he would come over and we would both fight bravely and would most likely be over run and have to retreat not into the Hornburg mainly because i dont have one, but into first my kitchen to grab a bite to eat and replenish our strength and then into the bathroom as it is the smallest place and it would be hard for like 200,000 orcs to fit in there so we would have more of a chance. After fighting for a long time we would eventually show that we are so skilled in fighting and that the orcs dont have a chance, so the remaining ones would run away. my friend and i would choose not to pursue them on account that we just fought off like 170,000 or so orcs.
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Old 03-09-2005, 07:53 AM   #12
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If I found 200,000 orcs on my front doorstep, I would...

...invite them in for tea and then drug them with multiple Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters. Then I would hide them in my basement, chained to the walls, and when I didn't like my dinner I would throw it to them. Nyay.
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Old 03-09-2005, 08:38 AM   #13
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Demonstrate the delights of shield-boarding down my steps.
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Old 03-09-2005, 08:52 AM   #14
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Find some hemlock.
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Old 03-09-2005, 08:58 AM   #15
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Put on some ultra strong ear muffs and crank up the Dixie Chicks...gotta watch out for friendly fire though


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Old 03-09-2005, 09:59 AM   #16
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200,000 orks, eh?

200,000 orks is a disaster waiting to happen. All that I need to effect it is a few costumes, a little bit of wit, and a nuclear bomb shelter.

To start off, when I find 200,000 orks on my doorstep, my first move is to don my generic-ork costume, slap on a silvery S-rune, and go visit the Isengarders. There, I spread the rumour that the Moria-orks prefere the command of the Mordor-orks to the Isengarders.

Before things get too hot there, I switch emblems, and go visit the orks of Lugburz, and discreetly whisper that the Isengarders plan to let the Mordor-orks lead the charge, and get slaughtered, so that they can feast on Mordor-ork-flesh.

Then I scrap all emblems, and dash over to the Misty Mountain goblin camp, and inform them that the Mordor orks have killed Blub, the illegitimate son of Bolg and the Great Goblin. Without stopping to see their reactions, I run over to my bomb shelter, and await the explosion.

Three hours, twenty-six minutes later, I emerge, having shaved, washed, and put on perfume and Elf-clothes. I brandish my bow and sword and do my best Elf-warrior impersonation. If the two-and-a-half remaining orks don't flee in terror, they'll probably die of laughter.
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Old 03-09-2005, 03:31 PM   #17
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weild my wooden sword in one hand and my sabor bayonett in the other, when my wooden on breaks grab the cast Iron frying pan, and throw my Tree Beird action figure at them... when all this fails just run away...
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Old 03-09-2005, 03:37 PM   #18
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Look up to see if Frodo had destroyed the Ring yet.
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Old 03-09-2005, 03:53 PM   #19
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Silmaril

Bar the gates!

Then take my trusty bow (made of a few small pieces of wood) and irritate them with my seven ro so arrows. Then barricade myself and presume that I have more supplies for one person in my house than the orcs have supplies outside.
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Old 03-09-2005, 04:15 PM   #20
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If i found 200,000 orcs outside my front door i would.

1. Get the hose and spray down those smelly things
2. Get them to buy aprons from the local store
3. Give them gardening tools and say the weeds stole there land.
4. and finally i would get them to pose as gnomes so i dont get damned Jehovas Witnessess coming to the door
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Old 03-09-2005, 06:13 PM   #21
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Sting

gnomes that's so funny I'd hate to visit your house imagine the instant carnage that would be your yard every time someone came to visit and your like "Mum the knomes just killed our neighbor again" .
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Old 03-09-2005, 08:41 PM   #22
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4. and finally i would get them to pose as gnomes so i dont get damned Jehovas Witnessess coming to the door
Call the Jehovah's Witnesses Hotline and get them all to come to my house so they can distract the orcs and try to convert them, while I slip quietly away through the back door.
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Old 03-09-2005, 09:41 PM   #23
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Pipe

Quote:
If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would....
Um...lock the door and scream like a little girl!?

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Old 03-09-2005, 10:44 PM   #24
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If I found...

1) Well, first I'd hop quickly to the BarrowDowns to see what advice I could get in two-point-five seconds, and then I'd turn on my iTunes visual effects to hypnotize them, and while that was happening I'd sneak out the back door.

2) I would bribe them with raw cookie dough. Then hope they get salmonella really quickly.

3) Wake up.

4) Grab my BB gun and...fire off two shots before I die.

5) Get them involved in the Balrog Wing debate. After all, wouldn't some of them have seen/not seen wings?

6) Blast some Korn or Disturbed at them...woo, look at 'em run!

7) Start some "drums in the deep" of my own.

8) Tell them the Barrow-Wight thinks that they're off topic. ( )

9) Tell them that the general concensus is that them being on MY doorstep is non-canonical.

10) Wonder if this will interfere with my visits to the BD's...
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Old 03-09-2005, 10:48 PM   #25
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White Tree

Quote:
Originally Posted by Oddwen
2) I would bribe them with raw cookie dough. Then hope they get salmonella really quickly.
Doubt it. I've been eating it my entire life.

Great thoughts everyone. Keep it up!
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Old 03-10-2005, 01:05 AM   #26
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mmm
attack them with my frying pan.. it would crush a few skulls.
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Old 03-10-2005, 01:54 AM   #27
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Sting Orcs.

Ask them whether they are corrupted beasts, corrupted Elves, corrupted Men, Úmaiar, or any combinations thereof.

While they wonder, I get as far away as I can.

Who am I kidding? Eönwë trained me in the art of sword-fighting. I'll show them why somehow they haven't won a decent war since the First Age.
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Old 03-10-2005, 12:55 PM   #28
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Here's a plan:

1. Shut the door. That should slow them down a bit.

2. Use my keyfob to set off my car alarm. Not only would it cause a little wonder in the orcs, it would torque off my neighbors who, armed to the teeth (this is 'Merica!), would start shooting just to get the noise to stop.

3. Call the police. Most local police carry enough firepower to handle a few thousand or so orcs, but what would really get them going would be me telling them that the orcs were having some kind of religious rally without a permit. The ACLU lawyers sniffing the line would beat the cops to the scene, and, by all accounts, those lawyers can be pretty tough.

4. Call the local Teamsters. "Hey, I gotta some guys here who are working below union scale." One might pity the orcs.

5. The next calls would be to cable TV and satellite dish companies who, so hot on signing up a new customer, would be there in minutes. Some of the orcs would be caught in the ensuing crossfire.

6. Call a timeshare company and tell them that there are ~200,000 potential clients at my door if they would be so interested to stop by. Need I say more?

7. Use my video camera to capture the fun for sale later to the local news. Hey, what's wrong with turning a buck on the whole deal?

After that, I'd sit back and load up ROTK EE on the DVD player to find the next thing to nitpick about in the movies forum ("...just why doesn't Merry's cape make him invisible on the Pelennor Fields?"
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Old 03-10-2005, 02:16 PM   #29
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If Buck McCoy has taught me anything, it's that any foe can be defeated with a lasso.

I'd have a quick search for a lasso.
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Old 03-10-2005, 02:21 PM   #30
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Call Peter Jackson and tell him that I have an army of extras big enough for him to do the battle of Pelennor Fields again without cgi.

And then I'd send out the lawyers to negotiate an exclusive representation contract with the orcs so that I could take a %10 finder's fee from each of them for getting them signed up with Jackson for the reshoot of the battle.
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Old 03-10-2005, 05:14 PM   #31
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Eye If I saw 200,00 orcs at my front door, I would...

Let's see. Firstly, call all my friends and tell them the good news (that there are actually orcs) and the bad news (that they're gonna slaughter me possibly). Next, lock the door and get a fake bow and just start shooting at them like mad when they start hacking at the door. If that doesn't work, I'd run to the back and jump out the window. Unfourtunatley, there is no window so I'd just smash into the wall. Then I'd get up and do it again. I'd probably do that until I was unconcoious. Then I'd get on the computer, come to the Barrow-downs and tell every about my exciting new video game where 200,00 orcs show up at your front door.

Glirdy
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Old 03-10-2005, 06:16 PM   #32
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Thumbs up

kick butt! what else? (apart from negociating lawyers...) I would probably use some nunchucks and karate!!!
~EF
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Old 03-10-2005, 07:38 PM   #33
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call my grandmother to bring me my 22 rifle real qu8ick, and to bring whatever gun she has, in the mean time use my bayonett and my frying pan
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Old 03-11-2005, 10:49 AM   #34
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Tell them for the fifteenth time that the National Orc Conference is NEXT weekend.
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Old 03-11-2005, 11:58 AM   #35
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Call a psychiatrist.
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Old 03-11-2005, 03:14 PM   #36
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If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would....

...Wonder what I'd had to drink last night.
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Old 03-13-2005, 07:17 PM   #37
Nilpaurion Felagund
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Location: The brink, where hope and despair are akin. [The Philippines]
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1420! Orcs?

See how they'd react to "knock-knock" jokes.

Quote:
Me: Knock knock?

200,000 Orcs: Who's there?

Me: 200,000 Orcs.

200,000: 200,000 Orcs who?

Me: I dunno. I was hoping you knew the answer to that one.
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Old 03-13-2005, 08:06 PM   #38
Gurthang
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Tolkien If I found 200,000 orcs on my front door, I would....

Tell them that they had the wrong house. Frodo lives on the next block.

AND

Wonder how I could count 200,000 orcs so quickly.

OR

Go find a full sized mirror and scare them with the reflection of 200,000 orcs.
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Old 03-14-2005, 07:07 AM   #39
Hama Of The Riddermark
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Offer them a cookie?

Quote:
Orc: Rarrarghahtarahgha Uruk Hai!

Me: Cookie?
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Old 03-14-2005, 07:54 AM   #40
Carrűn
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Tolkien

Start a rumor that the short orcs wanted to kill the tall orcs.

Sit back with some popcorn and observe.
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