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Old 08-10-2008, 01:14 PM   #41
Morthoron
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CHAPTER III: A SHORT REST, Part IV

Narrator: [formerly known as Narrator #2] And so Master Elrond sets his great store of loremastery into deciphering the dwarven map.

Elrond: Jolly wonderful the dwarves were at mapmaking once in their short history, eh? Lovely detail, wot?

*The full moon appears from behind the clouds and casts it wondrous white light full upon the map*

Elrond: Eh? What's this?

Thorin: [drawing nearer in curiousity]: Yes? What is it?

Elrond: Oh, nothing. This coffee stain looks remarkably like a dragon.

Gandalf: Why, that is a dragon!

Elrond: Yes, yes...of course it is. Temporarily blinded by the moonlight, you know.

Gandalf: Hmm...it seems the moonlight is showing hidden runes and letters on the map.

Elrond: It is? Oh yes, of course it is. They're callled...ummm...moon letters. Yes, moon letters...that's what they are!

Bilbo: What are moon letters, wise Master Elrond?

*Elrond stares blankly at Bilbo for a moment*

Elrond: Why, they are...letters that...errrr...only show up in moonlight.

Bilbo: My, you are wise. Where did you learn that from?

Elrond: I believe it was in a rerun of an old MacGyver episode or in an Umberto Eco novel about monks. I can't recall, really. I am a few thousand years old, after all.

Bilbo: What do the moon letters say?

Elrond: What do they say? [Long pause] Well, if I read the runes corrrectly, they say --"Stand by the gray crone until her knees knock," and then it says -- "and the sitting nun with a bad bite from tooth decay will shut her pie-hole."

Thorin: But that makes no sense at all.

Elrond: It doesn't?

Gandalf: No, it does not. Where are we to find an old crone in a habit with periodontal disease who we have to shut-up? And what good will it do us in any event?

Elrond: [indignantly] Well, the other translation seems even more daft -- "Stand by the gray stone when the thrush knocks, and the setting sun with the last light of Durin' Day will shine upon the key-hole."

Thorin: Durin's Day! A thrush knocking!

Elrond: That makes sense to you?

Thorin: Yes, it does. Durin's Day arrives in autumn and the key-hole in question is obviously a secret entrance to the Lonely Mountain! And I have the key! All we need to do is find the stone where the thrush knocks on Durin's Day and we shall find the secret entrance!

Elrond: Oh yes, that does make a lot of sense. [rolls his eyes] You'll have more luck finding the toothless old nun with creaky joints.

Thorin: We'll have to be on our way, and soon, if we want to reach the Lonely Mountain by Durin's Day. If I remember correctly, it is the first day of the last moon of autumn.

Elrond: Would that be the Julian or Gregorian Calendar?

Bilbo: Or is it by Shire Reckoning?

Gandalf: Neither and none, as the proper chronology for Middle-earth has not been fixed as of yet. Not until Tolkien writes The Lord of the Rings.

Bilbo: The Lord of the Rings? Is that a take-off on the Sword of Shannara?

Gandalf: Ummm...

Elrond: May I ask a favor?

Gandalf: Certainly, Master Elrond.

Elrond: Take me with you.

Gandalf: What?

Elrond: Please, take me with you!

Gandalf: I don't understand...

Elrond: I am bored, Gandalf, bored! I feel sort of thin and stretched...like not enough mayonnaise scraped over too much bun.

Gandalf: Buns?

Elrond: It's the Elves, Gandalf -- So damn merry! No wonder why they call death the Gift of Men! It's preferrable to living here for thousands of years...they don't even have cable. Always tra-la-la-lally, hopping and skipping, all blonde, all dull as doorknobs!

Gandalf: But...

Elrond: Let me explain...

[The lights dim and a single spotlight shines on Elrond]

ELROND'S SOLILOQUOY

An Elf or not an Elf...that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler to be mortal and suffer
The twinges and hair-loss of mankind's fortune,
Or to take up Elfdom and unlimited potential,
and by inference become immortal. An Elf -- to sleep no more --
Because Elves rarely sleep given their high metabolism.
But there is heartburn -- a thousand years of eating lembas --
Does not aid in my digestion. 'Tis not a bowel movement
One would wish on an enemy. And sheep -- the sheep of which I've dreamed --
Ah, I've lost count. For in that count of sheep no dreams may come,
While snuggly mortals coil all soundly 'neath comforters and nap wihout pause,
There's only insomnia that makes a calamity of so long a life....


Narrator: While Elrond rambled in stilted iambic pentameter, the company of travelers had slipped unnoticed from the Last Homely House, and even now were heading up the great slopes of the Misty Mountains.

Elrond: Hey! Where did everyone go?

Elves: Tra-la-la-la-lappy, Elrond isn't happy

Elrond: Oh good lord.

Elves: Tra-la-la-la-lever, you're stuck with us forever!

*Elrond sobs uncontrollably*

TO BE CONTINUED...
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Last edited by Morthoron; 08-10-2008 at 01:41 PM.
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Old 08-17-2008, 02:16 PM   #42
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CHAPTER IV: OVER HILL AND UNDER HILL, Part I

Narrator: And so, Gandalf, Bilbo and the dwarves escaped the dread gaiety of the elves and the taxing dialogue of the Last Homely House. Guiding their ponies up the circuitous paths that lead to the very heights of....

Bombur: 'Old on! Just a minute! Where did we get these blinkin' ponies from?

Narrator: Well, you see, the Italian funding the producers were expecting has fallen through (I told them they shouldn't trust the Italians), and subsequently the production team has had to sell the utility vehicles that were expected to be used as transport in all the Misty Mountain scenes. As a consequence of this budget reduction, they've had to buy these ponies on the cheap from a local glue factory to do the job instead. You'll notice various different departments' equipment crammed into your packs.

Bombur: Well, don't that defeat the suspension of disbelief required for a successful fantasy movie? I mean, the last scene we were scramblin' up the mountain on foot, and the next we're riding ponies?

Narrator: Not any moreso than a costumed character in the piece having an out-of-context discussion with an off-camera narrator.

Bombur: Right. Go on then.

Narrator: As the stalwart band of travelers made for the pass which would lead them over the Misty Mountains, a virulent thunderstorm struck.

Director: Cue the virulent thunderstorm!

Randall: Cue the virulent thunderstorm!

Scottie: I'm givin' 'er all she's got, Cap'n!

*Colorful animation of a virulent thunderstorm, complete with stone giants playing cricket with lightning bolts and storm clouds*

Bilbo: My, this is a virulent thunderstorm!

Gandalf: Indeed! No sense in muddling our way further, I can't see a foot in front of my nose, and the pass is treacherous enough without missing the trail and falling into an abyss.

Bilbo: That would be abysmal.

Thorin: I believe Fili and Kili have found a cave over to the right.

Gandalf: Hmmm...I am not at all comfortable with lodging in a cave in these parts. One never knows what lurks inside.

*A livid streak of lightning strikes a boulder nearby*

Gandalf: But then again, perhaps we should go in; at least until the storm abates...for the sake of the Hobbit.

Narrator: Safe from the crash and din of the storm, the travelers -- soaking, bedraggled and low in spirits -- made a small fire with Gandalf's wizardly assistance, and huddled the ponies at the very far end of the cave. Shorn of their wet clothes and exhausted from the perilous journey up the mountain, it wasn't long before the company started to nod off.

*Bilbo awakens to the sound of grinding rock*

Bilbo: What's this?

*To Bilbo's surprise, he sees the last of the ponies being herded off into a great crack that had opened in the rear of the cave*

Bilbo: This mountain certainly has an appetite. I wonder what it eats when it can't get ponies?

*Coming groggily to his senses, Bilbo sees goblins creeping from the crack where the ponies had disappeared*

Bilbo: GANDALF! HELP!!!

*Bilbo's cry awakens his companions, foremost of all Gandalf, who, having a knack for self-defense unleashes a bolt of lightning, killing several goblins, and in the smoke and confusion, saves himself by disappearing, leaving Bilbo and the dwarves at the mercy of the remaining infuriated goblins, who grabbed the helpless hobbit and dwarves and dragged them through the crack, which snapped shut with an angry crash*

Goblin #1: I 'eard you 'airy-footed 'alf-pints like singin' and merriment.

Bilbo: That's Hobbits, not half-pints, thank you, and yes we do like singing and making jolly.

Goblin #2: Garn, he's a precocious li'l blighter, aint 'ee?

Goblin #1: I'll say. But 'ee'll change 'is tune once we 'ave our way wi' 'em! Ready m'boys?

*a pitch pipe sounds in the darkened stone corridor, followed by several goblins struggling to get in tune*

The hills are alive with the sound of goblins
Wi' songs we have sung for a thousand years
The hills shake your bowels with the sound of goblins
And enchained, you can't stop up your ears


*The dwarves and Bilbo grimace in agony*

Your heart wants to shriek like the wings of bats
That rise like the dead in the dark
Your belly does a churn as the horse flies
Leave maggots on droppings so stark...


Bilbo: Enough! Enough! Oh please, no more torment!

Goblin #1: Ho-ho! You think this is bad, do ye? Wait'll the Goblin King gets 'is 'ands on ye!

Bilbo: He sings worse?

Goblin #2: [Coughs out a hoarse laugh and then becomes serious] Totally tone deaf.

Goblin #1: Aye, that 'ee is. Now, where were we?

How do we solve a problem like a Baggins?
How do you pinch and bite him while he's down?
How do you find the words to insult a Baggins?
Why, drag his sorry arse to Goblin-town...
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And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision.

Last edited by Morthoron; 08-18-2008 at 06:06 AM.
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Old 08-25-2008, 07:13 PM   #43
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CHAPTER IV: OVER HILL AND UNDER HILL, Part II

Narrator: Having been literally abandoned by Gandalf once again, Bilbo and the dwarves were in a bad way. They had been fiendishly serenaded by the diabolical goblins, and the torment was only beginning. Now they stood, heaped in chains, before the horrible and huge Great Goblin, named Marian after his domineering mother (which might explain his ill-temper).

Marian: Garn! Who are these miserable creatures!

Orc Driver: Dwarves and a Hobbit, Marian, your majesty.

*The Dwarves and Bilbo giggle*

Marian: What? Is there something you find amusing?

Thorin: No, not at all your highness. In fact, we are quite taken aback at the impression you've made...Marian.

*More giggles from the Dwarves and Bilbo*

Marian: I do not see the joke, no not at all! And what were you thieves doing on our front porch?

Thorin: Thieves? I am no thief! Do not call me a Robbin' Hood, as there are much kinder, gentler names you could've made...Marian.

*The stifled laughter gets louder*

Marian: Oh, I get it! You think my name is funny do you? Marian is a girly name, is it?

*The Dwarves and Bilbo cannot answer as they are convulsed in laughter*

Marian: That's it! Janet and Betty -- throws this vermin in a pit!

*A clap of thunder and a blinding streak of lightning sear the gloom of the cavern, and all the torches go out. The gleam of a blade flashes from the shadows, and the Great Goblin becomes Marian in fact and not in name only. A second streak of the sword cleaves the castrato in twain*

Gandalf: Quickly, fools, let us make our escape!

Narrator: And so Gandalf (returned from who knows where) led the band from the Great Goblin's throne room while the goblins were thrown into chaos. Making their way down the darkened corridors beneath the mountain was tough going, and soon the goblins had recovered and were in hot pursuit.

Gandalf: We must stop for a moment. The corridor branches off in several directions here and I need time to figure out which direction is best. Is everyone here?

Thorin: [Uses his fingers to count down the members and then borrows one of Balin's hands when he runs out of his own digits]. Two, three, four, eight, ten...thirteen dwarves and a hobbit. Yes, that makes fifteen.

Balin: Fourteen.

Thorin: Fourteen plus Gandalf -- fifteen! [sticks out his tongue at Balin]

Gandalf: I can hear the Goblins coming; therefore, I'll shall have to go on instinct here. We'll go in this direction.

Bilbo: What makes that direction better than the others?

Gandalf: My dear Bilbo, I am a wizard -- a member of the ancient order of Istari -- come from the Blessed Realm beyond the Western Sea. Have a little faith that I know what I'm doing based on my loremastery, innate magical ability and supernatural prescience.

Bombur: That and the exit sign on the wall over there.

Gandalf: Let's get going!

Narrator: Madly they ran down into the blackness followed by the shrieking, cursing goblins. But they had not counted on side corridors where goblins laid in wait. All was confusion and chaos when the goblins ambushed. Poor Bilbo took a nasty knock on the noggin and fell from the path down a steep cliff that yawned along the side. When he awoke, Bilbo was in complete darkness, with no sound of either goblin or dwarf nearby.

Bilbo: Why did I ever leave my hobbit hole! Wait a moment...[slaps his pockets and finds his pipe and pipeweed]...now, that's a bit better! [lights up and takes a few drags]...thank goodness, a little bit of home!

Production Disclaimer: The makers of this movie in no way condone or endorse the use of tobacco products, as the use of said products are known to be carcinogenic and are filthy and nasty and we hates them. However, since we have received a rather hefty promotional fee from Philip Morris International (an Altria Company), we feel the product placement overrides the frivolous complaints we may receive from cranks and busybodies who make up a rather tiny percentage of the movie-going public. So smoke 'em if ya got 'em!

Bilbo: Now where did I put my knife? [Fiddles about with his sock and pulls out his blade which glows dimly in the dark] Ah, Sting! This'll come in handy. Hmmm...now which way to go? Back? Well, I don't rightly know which way is back. To the right or left? No, don't want to take anymore nasty falls. Oh well, I guess the only way to go is forward.

Narrator: Struggling alone in the blackness, Bilbo crept silently down the tunnel, which seemed to have no end. On and on he went, unknowingly travelling deeper and deeper towards the heart of the mountain. Suddenly, without any warning he trotted splash into water.

Bilbo: Ugh! It is icy cold. Is this a puddle or stream in the way of the path?

Narrator: Unbeknownst to Mr. Baggins, he was on the brink of a subterranean lake.

Bilbo: So it is a lake and not an underground river!

Narrator: Well, yes.

Bilbo: I wonder how far off it goes, and if there are any strange creatures lurking about near the roots of the mountains?

Narrator: Funny you should mention that...

Gollum: S-s-s-s! Quits interrupting.

Narrator: Look, do you want an introduction or not?

Gollum: Bah! Gets on with it, gets on with it.

Narrator: Deep down here by the dark water lived old Gollum.

Gollum: That's us, precioussss.

Narrator: Yes, and although we are saving a fascinating vignette of Gollum's early life and times for The Hobbit II, lets just say that old Gollum saw Bilbo a lot sooner than Bilbo saw him. But before we go on, Mr. Baggins, aren't you forgetting something?

Bilbo: I'm not sure. Did I miss a line?

Narrator: [whispering] The ring! The ring!

Bilbo: What? Oh yes...what's this? why, it's a ring! Imagine that. Looks to be no more than 12 or 14 karats, but still it'll fetch a pretty farthing or two in Hobbiton...

Narrator: [still whispering] Put it away!

Bilbo: What?

Narrator: [still whispering] Away! Put it away!

Bilbo: Right. Sorry.

*Bilbo hears a hissing coming from the lake*

Bilbo: What the 'ell...

Gollum: God bless us, everyone, precioussss! A tasty morsel, this one, and no goblin. Bleahhh! We hates dark meat! *Gollum*

Biblo: [thrusting his dagger forward] Who are you?

Gollum: What isss he, my precious? A bit of clever CGI p'raps? Much better than that nasty Jar-Jar...horrid animation, my precious, simply horrid.

Bilbo: I...I am Bilbo Baggins.... and this...this is Sting, a blade from Gondolin!

Gollum: Sssssss! P'raps we sits and chats with is a bitsy, eh my precious? It likes games does it?

Bilbo: What, like Parcheesi or Stratego?

Gollum: No, no, precious. No board games. We means riddles.

Bilbo: Very well, riddles it is. You go first.

Gollum: Yesss, preciousss...

What is as small as a pin,
But looms large on your chin?
Such a small deformity
Is, socially, an eruptive enormity.


Bilbo: That's easy -- it's a zit!

Gollum: Does it thinks its easy? It must have a competition with us, yes it does, precious. If it tells us a riddle and we don't guesses it, we shows it the way out.

Bilbo: And if you ask a riddle and I can't answer, what do you get?

Gollum: [snarling] Dinner.

Bilbo: Right. Here we go then...

They’re as ugly as sin
And they don’t smell sweet
But you cannot begin
Lest their marching in beat


Gollum: Isss that all you've got, precious? Pffft! It's feets...feets! Now, here's mine...

Wingless with flies
Not edible but pies
A relief when it parts
But bought by the cart


Bilbo: That's not too hard, considering how badly you smell. It's cow dung. Okay, here's one for you...

Remove the outside,
cook the inside,
eat the outside,
throw away the inside.


Narrator: Now Bilbo thought this one was quite easy, but as he was pressed for time, it was the only one he could remember offhand. But it proved exceptionally hard for Gollum, who hadn't eaten anything but raw fish and an occasional orc the last few centuries.

Gollum: Ss-ss-ss. Chestnuts, precious, chestnuts.

Bilbo: Well, are you going to guess or not? With all that hissing, one would think your guess was a tea kettle, but that would be wrong.

Gollum: Give us a chance; let it give us a chance, my preciouss-ss-ss.

Narrator: And then Gollum thought back to the days of his youth when his grandmother (a Rhodes Scholar and Oxford graduate) sat and detailed the many anachronisms present in Tolkien's published work (it was part of her thesis). There was tobacco and potatoes, trains and timepieces and...

Gollum: Corn! corns, my precious! Or maizes as the Euros calls it! Ssssss...no mister nice guy, my precious, no more. Here's a toughie...

It speaks loudly but says nothing
The seat of judgment without wisdom
It stands for nothing and sits concealed
It runs regularly but does not move
Each has a pair like unto brothers
But some loom larger than others


Bilbo: Well, ahem...hmmm...

Gollum: Is it nice, my precioussss? Is it scrumptiously munchably scrunchably crunchable?

Biblo: Half a minute now! I gave you a good long time while you were hissing like a steam boiler.

Gollum: No, it must make haste, my precioussss. We don't wants to waste a taste, so hassste! [creeps closer to Bilbo with fangs bared]

Bilbo: But...but..but? BUTT! A BUTTOCKS!

Gollum: Bah! Now its got to ask us a question. So assskks away.

Bilbo: Ummmm....

Gollum: Ask us! Ask us!

Bilbo: Errr...what have I got in my pocket?

Gollum: Not fair! Not fair to asks us whats it gots in its pocketses! It goes against longstanding rules of riddle etiquettes, it does! It goes against international riddling conventionses!

Bilbo: Nevertheless, what have I got in my pocket?

Gollum: S-s-s-s-s! It must give us three guesses, my precious, three guesses!

Bilbo: Alrighty then, ask away.

Gollum: A banjo?

Bilbo: Nope.

Gollum: Lint?

Biblo: No. Unfortunately for you I was so hungry, I scraped it all out and ate it about half an hour ago.

Gollum: Hands or nothing.

Bilbo: [waves his hands at Gollum] No on both counts, and since that make four guesses, that means I have won -- game, set, match.

*silence*

Bilbo: Well? What about your promise? I want to go, and you must show me the way.

Narrator: Will the wily Gollum show Bilbo the way out, or has Gollum's promise been nullified by Biblo's infraction against ancient riddling conventions...es? Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion!

TO BE CONTINUED...
__________________
And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision.

Last edited by Morthoron; 08-25-2008 at 09:05 PM.
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Old 08-31-2008, 06:40 PM   #44
Morthoron
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CHAPTER IV: OVER HILL AND UNDER HILL, Part III -- well, actually it's the Riddles in the Dark chapter of the book, but due to the time compression necessary in film-making, it was decided necessary to fold one chapter into another, like eggs in a bowl, smooshing them up nicely with some cheese, onions and green pepper (actually anachronistic, as the capsicum was unknown to the Old World until Columbus' discoveries) for a Tolkien omlette...perhaps with crispy bacon on the side, and some nice toast (not too burnt), slathered in butter. Mmmmmmm.....

*Daunting silence*

Narrator: Ummm...heh...We were last in the very bowels of the mountains and Bilbo had won the riddle contest (although by rather underhanded means), and he was waiting for the creature Gollum to live up to his side of the deal (and as their was no legal remediation or collective bargaining at this juncture in Middle-earth history, Gollum was perforce impelled to perform the terms of his verbal agreement).

Bilbo: [impatiently] Well? I want to go. You promised to show the way.

Gollum: Did we say so, precious? Show the cheatin' little bugger out, yesss, yessss. But what has it got in its pocketses, that rascal Puff? Not strings or sealing wax or other fancy stuff! Oh no! Gollum!

Bilbo: Never you mind. A promise is a promise!

Gollum: Ss-ss-ss, Cross it is, irascibly brusque, precious. But it musn't go yet, no it mustn't. We mustn't go through tunnels so hasty. We must gets us some travel aids first, yes things to help us, gollum.

Bilbo: Well, hurry it up. I'm starting to feel like a mushroom in this dank dark.

Narrator: And so Gollum paddled off in his little boat (how he managed to find wood in a subterranean cave is anyone's guess), and unbeknownst to Bilbo, went to a secret island in the middle of the lake where he kept his precious, his treasure (so I guess it was a Treasure Island), a very beautiful and wondrous thing. He had a ring, a golden ring. it was given to him by his cousin Deagolovitz many years ago as a present. He wanted to slip his ring on, his precious, and thus become invisible (as it was a magic ring, although not rabbinically kosher perhaps), so as to throttle the uppity gentile Hobbit in the dark.

Gollum: My Bar-Mitzvah present! Where isss it? Oy veh, were issss it?

Bilbo: What's the matter?

Gollum: It mustn't ask, mishugenah. It's losssst, golem, golem, golem!

Bilbo: Well, so am I! And I want to get unlost. You never guessed my last riddle and you promised!

Gollum: Never guessed! Ss-ss-sss--sss...What has it got in its pocketses?

Bilbo: Well, perhaps I'll...ummm...try to find my own way out myself, while you ...errrr...find whatever it is you lost.

Gollum: What has it got in its pocketses?

Bilbo: Thank you so much for the splendid time. I don't believe I've ever had such an enchanting chat...in a dark cave with a menacing green creature such as yourself.

Narrator: Bilbo knew the jig was up and that Gollum meant to make matzoh balls out of him. He ran madly back up the tunnel from whence he came. Gollum's angry hissing came ever closer and his eyes appeared as green lamps in the darkness. Suddenly, Bilbo's rush to escape ended abruptly as he tripped on a snag, and he tumbled in a ragged heap on the stone. For no apparent reason save for pushing the plot forward, he felt the ring in his pocket.

Bilbo: What could that Gollum be missing? Could it be...? Hmmm.

*Gollums ran right by Bilbo, who unknowingly had slipped the ring on*

Gollum: Where did he go? Cursed Bagginses, we hates it! Hates it forever!

*Due to the lack of comedic pacing, the scene abruptly changes to a green glen among a stand of pine trees on the far side of the mountain*

Bilbo: And that, dear Gandalf and master dwarves, is how I escaped the creature Gollum and the orcs and passed through the secret door.

Gandalf: Ummm...but you haven't told us anything.

Bilbo: I haven't?

Gandalf: No, you began at the finish with no start or in-between whatsoever.

Bilbo: Well, you know what they say: keep it secret, keep it safe.

Gloin: I have heard that before.

Gandalf: Yes, it does sound vaguely familiar, but I fail to see how it applies...

*The sound of snarling and howling wargs echoes through the hills*

Bilbo: What's that?

Gandalf: Our next big-budget action sequence. Run everyone! The wargs are coming!

Thorin: Dash it all! The slopes are too steep hereabouts. We can't outrun them, and we have no weapons. We'll have to climb the trees!

*The Panicked escapees frantically scramble up the fir trees just in the nick of time, for the ferocious wargs, huge wolfish creatures, arrived in the clearing*

*The wargs slather and snarl around each tree, speaking in their gruff growls*

Bilbo: What are they saying Gandalf?

Gandalf: I can’t very well translate aloud, Bilbo, or else we may lose our PG rating. Needless to say, they are being quite rude. [cackling loudly] How about a little fire, Scarecrow?

*Gandalf begins pitching fiery fir-cones down on the wargs, which ignite as soon as they hit the beasts’ pelts (or, more poetically, flying fir-fire fearfully flaming foul fur, as it were)*

Bilbo: Hah! They’re on the run! Those are some hot dogs! [a drum and snare sound in the distance with a pronounced ba-dump-bump]

Gandalf: Ah, but look: the Goblins are here. It appears we are out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Bilbo: Oh, I like that! Mind if I use that for the book I’m writing? The working title is ‘Bilbo Baggins: A Glorious Retrospective of the Legendary Hero’.

Gandalf: [irritatedly] It might be titled ‘Hobbit Hash’ if we can’t get out of this mess. Even now the Goblins are fanning the fire below us!

Goblin #1: Garn, wha’ do we ‘ave ‘eer me boyos? A captive audience, it seems! Janet, line up the sopranos and altos. I think some serenadin’s in order ‘eer.

Gandalf: Not more singing!

Goblins:

O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!
It reeks of scorching wizard’s beard,
But in the warmth we still find cheer.
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!

No use to chop to get our crop --
They’re sure to drop before they pop!
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!


Goblin #2: [Sobbing] Sniff! That song always chokes me up.

Goblin #1: There, there, Betty, you always were a softy.

Gandalf: Go way, little boys! It’s not time for your curdled carols! You know what happens to brats who play with fire?

Goblin #1: I dunno. But I’m sure you’ll be a’telling us once you’re well-done! Let’s give him another, boyos!

Goblins:

Gandalf roasting on an open fire,
Dwarf beards singed below their nose.
Hobbit feet burnt up in the pyre,
And Orcs await the afterglow --
Everybody knows --
That turkey tastes like Hobbit toes,
Or chicken fingers fried just right.
‘Tater-tots and mushrooms I’m told
Are the perfect sides for Baggins tonight…


Goblin #1: Hey, look! What to my wond’ring eyes should appear?

Goblin #2: What, a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer?

Goblin #1: No, you dolt, it’s the Eagles!

Narrator: More rapid than coursers the eagles they came, And Gandalf whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; "Now, Landroval! now, Thorondor! now, Meneldor and Gwaihir! On, Miley! on Lindsey! on, Britney and Paris! To the top of the trees they had answered the call, grabbed them up in their talons, and dashed away all!

TO BE CONTINUED…
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Old 10-14-2008, 03:39 PM   #45
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CHAPTER V: Wargses and Eagles and Bears (Oh my!)

Narrator: And so the Beagles, great fluffy puppies of the north, saved Bilbo, Gandalf and the Dwarves from the dreadful fire set by the Goblins. These curious canines had sensed goblinish mischief afoot and had come down from their mountain kennels, baying boldly in the moonlight like their noble sires, the hunting hounds of the Vala OromŽ...

*The narrator is handed a slip of paper*

Narrator: Strike that last paragraph. It would seem it was the Eagles of the North that were the ones that saved the company from certain disaster; although why the Eagles rather than the Beagles did the saving is up for conjecture. I mean, after all, dogs have always been man's best friend, haven't they? Eagles are raptors, and would just as soon steal your sheep as look at you. Where were the Beagles? Were they hunting elsewhere, or was there perhaps a more sinister plot to keep dogs out of the story? Or cats for that matter! One mention of Huan the Hound in the Silmarillion, and one offhand remark regarding the cats of Queen Beruthiel in Lord of the Rings -- that's it! It's always the Eagles saving Gandalf here and rescuing Gandalf there, aiding in a battle here, swooping to Mount Doom there. No Fido or Tabby in several thousand pages!

*The narrator is handed another slip of paper*

Narrator: Well, it seems I've been sacked. Damn.

*Cut-scene to one-dimensional cut-outs of Eagles carrying dwarves against a static background set*

Bilbo: [shouting as the eagles fly off] Thank you very much for the ride! I'd always heard that beagles were noble creatures.

Gandalf: Eagles.

Bilbo: Right. Ummm...where are we at present?

Gandalf: We are at the Carrock.

Bilbo: Carrot?

Gandalf: No, Carrock.

Bilbo: And what is a Carrock, exactly?

Gandalf: It is what he calls it.

Bilbo: He who?

Gandalf: He who named the Carrock. It is what he calls such things.

Bilbo: Whom?

Gandalf: Whom?

Bilbo: Yes, whom? The person who named the Carrock.

Gandalf: That's right.

Bilbo: What's right?

Gandalf: He is the person who named the Carrock.

Bilbo: Yes, but who is he?

Gandalf: I just told you.

Bilbo: Look, I don't want to get caught up in an Abbott and Costello comedy routine, who is he?

Gandalf: Bilbo, I shan't tell you anything further if you're not going to listen.

Bilbo: [bites his lip] Alright then, let's try this again. This is the Carrock.

Gandalf: Yes.

Bilbo: And he who named the Carrock a Carrock did so because that is what he calls such things.

Gandalf: Precisely!

Bilbo: And what is his name, this person who calls Carrocks a Carrock?

Gandalf: Beorn.

Bilbo: Who is he?

Gandalf: [sighs in exasperation] He is the person who named the Carrock.

Bilbo: I probably won't be getting anything further out of you, will I?

Gandalf: Most likely not.

Bilbo: Right then, off we go.

Gandalf: [speaking to the whole company] Ah, but before we go, I must warn you, he is not a man to be trifled with. When we reach his home perhaps it would be better if I introduced you in pairs rather than all at once.

Thorin: But that could take all night.

Gandalf: It is better than having your limbs ripped off and being pummelled about the head and neck with your arm or leg.

Thorin: Yes, yes...I suppose you have a point there. But what sort of a man would do such a thing?

Gandalf: Well, I've heard tell that when he is riled Beorn becomes a giant tree sloth.

Thorin: A tree sloth? They're rather lazy and moss-covered aren't they? Not the type of creatures to be ripping limbs off.

Gandalf: No, you're right. Perhaps it was a large badger....or a menacing aardvark.

Bilbo: Yes, they do get antsy, I suppose.

Bombur: I've 'eard tell the squirrels in these parts are quite nasty. Black as coal and go right after your nuts.

Gandalf: No wait, I have it! He turns into a great bear and roams the land at night.

Bilbo: [nervously] Ummm...perhaps we should just skip going to Beorn's house altogether then.

Gandalf: Oh, stop fidgeting! Beorn is a very kindly man. It's just that sometimes he gets a bit testy. So don't aggravate him.

Bilbo: ...Or else he'll rip my limbs off and pummell me about the head and neck with my arm or leg?

Gandalf: See, you are very bright when you actually listen.

Narrator #3: Hello, Narrator number three here! Yep, Narrator the Third. I am actually quite excited to be narrating this tale for you, as it is my first time doing narrative work. Well, there was that brief bit I did back in school as God in The Ten Commandments. "LET MY PEOPLE GO!" Ha-ha, good times, good times! Hmmm? What? Oh yes, sorry. Tune in next week as Bilbo and company visit Beorn's house. I'm rather looking forward to seeing Bilbo aggravating Beorn and getting his limbs torn off, aren't you?
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Old 02-03-2009, 09:55 PM   #46
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A few of you have inquired about the ongoing parody I was fiddling about with here, and just suddenly stopped a couple months ago. Well, I was so smitten with the idea that I totally revised the concept and decided to do a full-blown novel (chapter-by-chapter, and in some spots page-for-page) parody entitled, not surprisingly, Monty Python's The Hobbit. Why, you ask? Because my AD/HD addled brain requires concentration of this sort; therefore, in addition to serious writing projects, I waste time writing something I will in no way ever receive any type of remuneration for (imagine trying to battle for rights from both the Tolkien Estate and the members of Monty Python!).

As the project required a different venue for chapter-by-chapter presentation, editing capabilities and material review (in addition to allowing some of the bawdy material that would perhaps be inapproprite here), I have plopped the 'ole bloody thing roight 'ere:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4732841/...ons_The_Hobbit

I have employed most of the bits from this thread but fleshed it out from a movie script to novel-form. Stop by and say 'ello.
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Old 06-30-2009, 07:18 PM   #47
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As a follow up to the last follow up, 'Monty Python's The Hobbit' has been completed and is ready for your perusal here...

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4732841/...ons_The_Hobbit

Amusingly, a few crazy persons nominated it for a Middle-earth Fanfiction Award (MEFA) -- before it was even completed!

The MEFA Site is here (you are required to log in to enter the site)...

http://www.mefawards.net/MEFA2009/index.php?page=index

If you like it, review it on the MEFA site, as I guess the only way to win a MEFA award is to shamelessly shill for reviews (i.e., votes). Literary excellence is, of course, a secondary consideration with such contests, as it is in the world of literature.
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