The Bad LotR Fan Fic Drinking Game

[Lush]

This drinking game is intended for entertainment purposes only. I have no affiliation to the Tolkien estate, and I do not own any of the fan fic characters discussed herein. In fact, I own pretty much nothing - unless you count some raggedy books and Elven-princess-stumbles-to-senior-prom heels.

The game can be played in two ways - you take either a shot or a sip of your chosen beverage (if you're not of legal drinking age, or else are wary of the dangers of alcohol - unlike yours truly - your beverage will be nonalcoholic). For clarity purposes, I'll only include shots below.

Please note that no otherworldly maidens/dashing heroes were harmed in the making of this production.

IHeroine/hero is the 10th member of the Fellowship - take a shot.

Heroine/hero has violet-coloured eyes - take a shot

Legolas teaches heroine/hero how to use bow - take a shot.

Heroine/hero out-performs Legolas with bow - take two shots.

Heroine/hero is described as any of the following: raven-haired, golden-haired, or as fiery redhead - take a shot.

Hero/heroine has near-death experience and wakes up in Middle Earth - take a shot.

Hero/heroine wakes up in Middle Earth to be immediately pounced upon by orcs, necessitating a dramatic rescue from Legolas, who just happened to be faffing about in the vicinity - take two shots.

Aragorn has "relationship problems" with Arwen - take a shot

Aragorn has "relationship problems" with Legolas - take two shots.

Gimli used as comic relief - take a shot.

Hobbits used as comic relief - take a shot.

Gandalf says to the heroine/hero "your fate is tied to the Ring" (or any variation thereof) - take a shot.

Boromir says something sexist - take a shot.

Denethor says something sexist - take two shots.

Saruman says something sexist - take three shots.

Legolas uses the word "melamin" - take a shot.

Legolas uses the phrase "tula sinome" - take two shots.

Gimli makes dumb joke - take a shot.

Gandalf makes dumb joke - take two shots.

Hero/heroine has to rescue Frodo, or Sam, or Pippin, or Merry, or a combination thereof - take a shot.

Random orc attacks randomly - take a shot.

Legolas broods about his feelings for hero/heroine - take a shot.

Legolas broods about something Thranduil said or did - take two shots.

Arwen is/becomes heroine's/hero's bestest friend 4-ever - take a shot.

Galadriel is/becomes heroine's/hero's bestest friend 4-ever - take two shots.

Legolas is described as "lithe" or "cat-like" - take a shot.

Legolas' ears are described as super-sensitive to touch - take two shots.

Hero/heroine is orphan - take a shot.

Hero/heroine is victim of horrible accident/abuse/bad weave - take two shots.

Hero/heroine is awesome with sword, despite not having any lessons, ever - take a shot.

Hero/heroine is awesome with sword and kills an entire platoon of orcs, all on account of taking a few fencing lessons, once - take two shots.

Hero/heroine is awesome with sword, slaughters Balrog, and makes Uruk-hai weep like naughty children - take three shots.

Hero/heroine wakes up back in her own world, only to run into Legolas, who's waited an x number of millennia to be reunited with his one true love again. The happy couple gets a dog/cat/gerbil and live happily ever after. Until they are whisked off to Valinor, to live happily ever after some more. - take three shots.

Please add to the game below.

[Nerwen]

I'm sure this has been done before, but who cares?:cool:

Hero/heroine has a special horse, which could basically be described as "Like Shadowfax, only much, much better". –take a shot.

Hero/Heroine owns an improbable number of extra-special weapons. –take a shot.

Heroine dresses in black leather. –take a shot.

Hero/Heroine is mentioned in a badly-rhymed Ancient Prophecy. –take two shots.

Hero/Heroine has a special connection to the Ring. –take two shots.

Hero/heroine is allowed to join the Fellowship despite being a vampire/werewolf/half-orc/Sauron's kid/something else which has no business being there. –take two shots.

Hero/heroine is a fairy/angel*/merperson/something else which has no business being in Middle-earth at all. –take three shots.

Legolas and Aragorn are old friends and have adventures together, most of which consist of being captured and tortured by random bad guys. –take a shot.

Aragorn or Legolas is deaf/blind/mute/scarred/paralysed. –take two shots.

The Council of Elrond scene from the movie is quoted verbatim. –take a shot.

The fic's premise means that the actual plot of LotR couldn't happen at all. –take three shots.


*Note: meaning traditional angel, with wings, not Ainu.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Heroine jumps on horse with no assistance, despite her petite stature and the gigantic size of the equine: take a shot.

Heroine's hair is described as "flowing" while riding: take a shot.

Heroine's hair is called "tresses" or "locks": take two shots.

Heroine's clothing (preferably an impractical, flimsy dress) is described in exhaustive detail: take a shot.

Heroine's clothing is called "feminine yet practical": take two shots (courtesy of :Merisu: ).

Heroine causes every man in sight to fall in love with her: take a shot.

Heroine causes Elrond/Denethor to decide to end his widowed status: take two shots.

Heroine becomes pregnant, decides to go back to her real life and raise the offspring of ..... without letting the child's father know of her condition: take a shot.

Heroine falls in love with Arwen, causing her to leave Aragorn so they can be together (alternative: Éowyn leaves Faramir for her): drink whatever beverage you want in any quantity you like, there's little danger - I've never seen it happen in any fan fiction I've ever read! ;)


No shots are allowed for misspellings, homophones, and grammatical mistakes - no reader can possibly drink that much! :rolleyes:


More:

Heroine is, unknown to herself at first, the heir to a kingdom in Middle-earth: take a shot.

Heroine's singing softens the hardest heart, even awaking the dead: take a shot.

Heroine's name has at least four syllables, of dubiously Elven origin: take a shot.

Heroine's name has at least six syllables, including elements from the various cultures of her mixed genetic background: take two shots.

[Morthoron]

Heroine is Galadriel's long lost love child: snort a shot of tequila.

Hero is either the sixth Istari or one of the Blue Wizards: shotgun a beer.

Half-elves have multiplied and now constitute an entire race: drink Jack from a flask and claim it's Miruvor.

The Hero/Heroine has a weapon crafted by Telchar of Nogrod: take a shot from a dagger sheathe.

Hero is an Elf-Pirate (recently displaced from the Caribbean): take a shot of rum.

Heroine has purple hair (obviously to match her violet eyes -- I swear I've read this!): Take a shot of hydrogen peroxide.

Heroine describes all female elves as 'Elfess' or 'Elfesses': Chug a Guinesses.

[Mithalwen]

This could be as intoxicating as the drinking game from my cousin's student years in the "Dallas" era "Drink along with Sue-Ellen....

Heroine is a pwinceth:
House of Dol Amroth -one shot
Elrond's second daughter - two shots (+bonus shot for half elf)
Descended from Elwing's missing brothers (+bonus shots for half elf and undermining subsequent history)

Incongruous naming 1-5 shots dependent on degree of silliness and whether it affects "book characters". Personally I would have instituted capital punishment for the person who, playing Elrond, gave him a horse named Peanut (it wasn't here)

Male pregnancy - 4 shots

Thranduil's wife is dead - 1 shot

Male character has female name - 2 shots

[Nerwen]

Heroine comforts depressed/injured characters by singing them a pop-song. –take a shot.

–And the story is named after said song. –take a shot.

–And there's an Author's Note about how incredibly appropriate the lyrics are. -take a shot. Make that two shots if the lyrics have no discernible relationship to Middle-earth, and three if, alternatively, the song is Enya's "May it Be".
–Update: and one more if "May it Be" is described as an ancient Elvish lulllaby.

Elrond, M.D. has to patch up the sick or injured hero/heroine. –take a shot.

Existing characters' origins are rearranged to suit the writer, e.g., Frodo is really the son of Galadriel (I've read this, honestly). –take two shots.

Hero/heroine is not just half-Elven, but the offspring of an Elf and a Maia. –take two shots.

–And said Maia is Sauron or Saruman. –take two shots.

–And the story has a suitably dramatic title, like "Child of Shadows", or "Daughter of Darkness". –take a shot.

Hero/heroine is an assassin. –take a shot. Take two if everyone treats this as a normal, socially acceptable career.

The heroine (it's always a heroine, in this case), is the Tenth Ringwraith. –take a shot. Take two shots if her sinister beauty is inexplicably visible to mortal eyes.
–No, on second thoughts, just take two shots anyway. She's always beautiful and visible.

[skip spence]

Oh dear. I've never felt so happy to be sober. :eek::)

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Oh dear. I've never felt so happy to be sober. :eek::)

I could agree with that. :D

And to add one to the list:

Hero/Heroine is Gandalf's apprentice ala Harry Potter (or, conversely, villain/villainess is Saruman/Sauron's apprentice, also ala Harry Potter). Two shots for one, three for both, four or more for both plus villain/ess reforms and becomes the apprentice's BFF (and probably Gandalf's newest apprentice).

[Lalaith]

I once read some slash involving Legolas and Smaug. How much miruvor had I drunk, do you think?

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I'm very glad that I am not legally old enough to drink yet!:D

[Diamond18]

Heroine falls in love with Arwen, causing her to leave Aragorn so they can be together (alternative: Éowyn leaves Faramir for her): drink whatever beverage you want in any quantity you like, there's little danger - I've never seen it happen in any fan fiction I've ever read! ;)

Ah Esty, you innocent thing. Google "Lotr slash" and prepare to get very drunk.

:p

Legolas and Gimli fall in love. -- swig some mouthwash

Legolas discovers that Gimli is female, and they fall in love. -- drink some mouthwash.

Frodo/Sam -- best stick to water for this one.

Hero/heroine is a Hobbit who just happens to be adventurous and warrior-like, defying normal Hobbit tendencies, and this is not at all unusual. - Have a pint.

Heroine has a normal modern name, ending in -wyn or -wen (examples -- Nicolwyn, Alexawyn, Bethwen) -- chug a coke and mentoes

[Morthoron]

The misuse of OOC text: best defined as 'out of context' or 'out of control' -- a thwack with a ruler to the typing fingers and a shot of earwax solvent.

Elf-princes/princesses named Terry, Aslan, Felicia, Stephanie, Zero, Valve, Matthias, Jack Sparrow, etc.: any naming convention that includes Greek, Roman or Judaic names or words -- A shot of no-name brand vodka.

Heroes who are Night Elves: an invention of the Everquest game, usually having a shock of white hair and arcane magic -- a shot of reality.

Elves greeting people from atop trees branches: a stock meeting place (elves being squirrelish, I suppose) -- a shot of wormwood liquor.

Heroes who keep pet tigers, lions or wolves: exotic familiars are fairly unfamilar in middle-earth -- a furious spray from a hormonally imbalanced platypus.

There are no rabbis in Middle-earth: neither are there pastors, bishops, cardinals, popes, dalais, imams, ministers or deacons -- a shot of Benedictine.

Elf heroes are required to carry two daggers: and have luminescent blonde hair, of course -- a sip of champagne from Orlando Bloom's elf slipper.

[Oddwen]

Elves greeting people from atop trees branches: a stock meeting place (elves being squirrelish, I suppose) -- a shot of wormwood liquor.


"Tra-la-la-lally" doesn't count then, I take it. ;)



A Hobbit is abused by another member of the Fellowship - take a shot.

Random Middle-earth denizens are thrown into a single house/room, resulting in hilarity - take a shot.

Fellowship members quoting modern movies - take a shot

The Fellowship is zapped to the Real World - take a shot

Gratuitous schmecks that doesn't concern Legolas or Aragorn - take a shot

A Fellowship member gets hit on the head and thinks he's someone/thing else - take a shot. (Two shot if it's Pippin)

Grima/Eowyn - take a shot.

Legolas torture that's actually funny on purpose - take a shot (and email me the link!)

AU (alternate universe) which places characters from other canons into the plot - take a shot of Butterbeer

AU which completely replaces the familiar denizens of Middle-earth with characters from another canon - take a shot

Harry Potter is the Mary-Sue - take a shot and curse Snape!

Aforespokenof Mary-Sue is turned from a human into a specific M-E race - take a shot

Legolas is joined with a mortal who isn't a Sue, even though they both know that their time together is short - take a shot

A female Ranger exists - take a shot

A male character is purposefully changed to female for narrative purposes - take a shot

Queen Arwen is kidnapped by brigands - take a shot.

Take one additional shot if Aragorn goes out alone to save her.

Take two additional shots if after she is saved, it's discovered she's pregnant and there is doubt about the paternity.

The daughter of a Fellowship member shows all the symptoms of being a Mary-Sue - take a shot

The daughter of a Fellowship member must start another Fellowship for whatever reason - take a shot

The Mary-Sue is actually named Mary-Sue for terribly ironic reasons - take two shots

A young Frodo tortured - take a shot

The presence of a villainess - take a shot

Elrond is abusive - take a shot

Elrond/Agent Smith jokes - take a shot, in bullet time


Any jokes about "The horn of Gondor", "Strawberry Soap", "Sam will kill you if you try anything", etc. without it actually being the Secret Diaries - take a shot

Boromir, going down Raurous, screaming "I'm not dead yet!" - find a shrubbery and take a shot

Saruman misspelled as "Aruman" - take a shot, and wonder if they ever wrote up to RotK...

Any torture that isn't sexual - take a bathroom break.

A daughter of Gandalf with a tragic past consisting of being captured and tortured by Grima & Saruman, along with the Fellowship, usurping Gandalf's place in everything, complete with lots of fainting, revealed powers, ear-biting by a sexist Boromir and an elven boyfriend who freaking lactates since all male elves breast-feed their lovers - shoot yourself.

Ooh, and also take a shot if the Fellowship somehow discovers bad fan-fiction.

[Lush]

a sip of champagne from Orlando Bloom's elf slipper.

*cocks eyebrow* Have you been following Orli and me around? Don't tell anyone what we get up to with those daggers. Children might be reading.

I've got a few more,

Legolas is way, way into casual relations with other Elves, until the hero/heroine captures his heart and sets him right. Of course, he never cheats on hero/heroine - take two shots.

Legolas cheats on hero/heroine, resulting in tedious subplot, usually involving random orcs attacking randomly, and lots of idiotic relationship advice from a seemingly lobotomized Gandalf - take three shots.

Moody Eomer is moody - take a shot.

Thranduil's realm closely resembles Playboy Mansion, with denizens who use words like "alas" - take two shots.

Hero/Heroine is always able to tame out-of-control equine - take a shot.

[Anguirel]

You collapse in giggles on reading this thread and are forced to briefly break cover - take half-a-dozen shots

[The Sixth Wizard]

Hero is either the sixth Istari or one of the Blue Wizards: shotgun a beer.

:cool: I get to drink beer? Awesome!

[Nerwen]

Hero is an Elf-Pirate (recently displaced from the Caribbean): take a shot of rum.


Hero? I've seen a female Elf-Pirate, too. Also an entire Elven Pirate Ship that dropped anchor just outside Rivendell.

Which brings me to the latest addition:

The story plays havoc with Middle-earth's geography– e.g. Rivendell is now situated on the coast, on top of a mountain or on "vast, sweeping plains". –take a shot.

Rivendell is called "Riverdale". –take a shot. (I know someone said not to do misspellings, but that one's such a classic.)

Legolas has an evil half-brother or evil twin. –take a shot.

The sons of Elrond are pranksters. –take a shot.

Arwen is a giggling twit who gives the heroine a makeover. –take a shot.

The characters are not only in the real world, they're in high school. –take two shots.

The story is an alleged parody, titled something like "Lord of the Burger Rings". –take two shots.

–And the synopsis says "Warning: RANDOMNESS!!!!!. –take a shot. (Translation– "Warning: Stupid".)

The author, having been too mesmerised by Orli's platinum wig to pay any attention to the plot at all, refers to the Nine Walkers collectively as "Lord of the Rings". –take three shots.

[Oddwen]

If you're guilty of having more than five of these scenarios in your own fanfiction - slap yourself on the wrist and take a shot

Take an additional shot if it's all in the same one story.

[Nerwen]

Let's see... you mean like that one where Legolas' half-angel daughter got rescued by Glorfindel from a pack of random Orcs just outside the city of Rivendell? And then Elrond used his amazing healing powers on her? And she had an Irish male name? And Elladan fell in love with her? But it could never be because she was promised to another angel? And Legolas cried bitter tears as he recalled how his evil, angel-hating father had tried to kill his own granddaughter, leaving her with a terrible scar on her earlobe? And then Legolas turned out to have wings too, having turned into an angel himself due to being bitten by his angel wife? And then they went out carousing with the crew of the Elven pirate ship? And then Aragorn and Legolas had sex in a tree? And Mrs Legolas joined them to make a threesome? And then they got attacked by random Orcs again, and Legolas' daughter slaughtered heaps of them, but Legolas and Mrs Legolas were captured and tortured (Legolas had his wings cut off)? And Elladan comforted Legolas' daughter, falling even more deeply in love with her? And then the angel daughter's angel fiance showed up to be Elladan's rival? And then the writer deleted the story because nobody understood what a genius she was?

Yeah, that one. It was called "Complexity".

[Morthoron]

Some fan-fic is just unbelievably corny...

Aragorn is a conflicted and reluctant hero: undecided about the future, haunted by the past -- take one shot and whine to the bartender.

An Elvish army magically appears at a battle they were never at, over terrain controlled by 10,000 orcs: then just as magically, they disappear after the battle -- take 2 shots of air.

Arwen has uber-magic powers: usually arcane powers reserved for ring-wielders alone -- take a shot and a sprinkling of pixie dust.

Elves using mental telepathy: a full conversation over a distance of several hundred miles -- levitate the shot to your lips with your mind and call your mother.

The Army of the Dead appearing where they never were: and are best described as a great green horde of Scrubbing Bubbles -- take a shot of Drano.

Rather mediocre, eh?

[Nerwen]

Oh, that fan fic... ;)

Shhh! Don't let a certain party hear you...

[Diamond18]

Ha this thread is priceless. Though it really belongs in Mirth. :P

I wish I could come up with more to list, but since I generally avoid any fan fiction like the plague, I've been spared any first hand knowledge of the common, ehm, missteps.

But really, I almost want to read that one about Legolas' half-angel daughter. It sounds so... complex...

[Morthoron]

Oh, that fan fic... ;)

You are just too clever Nerwen. ;)

Let's see... you mean like that one where Legolas' half-angel daughter got rescued by Glorfindel from a pack of random Orcs just outside the city of Rivendell, and etc.

That is so bizarre it defies description, but somehow I see Keanu Reeves cast in the film version.

[Elmo]

This is why I don't read fanfic I'd be an alcoholic.

[Nerwen]

But really, I almost want to read that one about Legolas' half-angel daughter. It sounds so... complex...

Alas, she took it down. Not only did people keep saying mean things, but she was terrified of being plagiarised.
The story was at first thought to be a "troll-fic", i.e. a deliberately bad/weird story written as a hoax, but way the she reacted when a friend of mine tried to correct her grammar put paid to that theory.

That is so bizarre it defies description, but somehow I see Keanu Reeves cast in the film version.

Whoa.

This is why I don't read fanfic I'd be an alcoholic.

Actually, if you played this game with some fanfic, you wouldn't be an alcoholic. You'd die.

[Oddwen]

Take a shot if the disclaimer at the beginning of the story contains any form of "I don't own Tolkien's characters, sadly."

Add another if after this statement is made, a Tolkien character pops up whining about being let out of the torture basement once in a while.

[Nerwen]

And two more if the disclaimer is followed by threats of legal action against anyone who copies the story or characters.

And, of course, the big one:

Synopsis says: "NOT a Mary Sue!!!" –take four shots.

[Nerwen]

somehow I see Keanu Reeves cast in the film version.

That reminds me: I was thinking of starting a "Let's NOT cast The Silmarillion" thread. It would feature the worst possible casting choices.

Keanu Reeves as... well as anyone springs to mind.

[Morthoron]

Keanu Reeves as... well as anyone springs to mind.

Yes, precisely. His range has never exceeded Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure; except, sometimes he has a beard (also, he is very reminiscent of Orlando Bloom as far as emoting).

That reminds me: I was thinking of starting a "Let's NOT cast The Silmarillion" thread. It would feature the worst possible casting choices.

We should start directly. Might I suggest Quentin Tarentino or Spike Lee to direct?

[Nerwen]

Perfect!

We need to open a new thread for this, though.

EDIT: I've started one in the "Mirth" section.

[Mithalwen]

This is why I don't read fanfic I'd be an alcoholic.

Well I do read fanfic and err ..that is a vile and unfounded rumour:cool:

[Kitanna]

If you're guilty of having more than five of these scenarios in your own fanfiction - slap yourself on the wrist and take a shot

Take an additional shot if it's all in the same one story.
Quite so, but it too fun/funny to write for me to care.

My liver hurts and all I've done is read this thread.

Haldir and the Lorien warriors appears to save the day often- Take a shot
Hero/Heroine is Galadriel and Celeborn's other child- Take a shot
Hero/Heroine had one mortal parent and one elven parent who gave up their immortality- Take a shot
Arwen/Legolas- Take a shot
Hero/Heroine captures the heart of Frodo and wipes away the pain from the Ring- Take a shot
Gollum/Sam or Frodo pairing- Cry and down a bottle of vodka

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Hmmm, all of this could lead to the need for a new 12-step program.... ("Hello, my name is Ibrin, and it's been three months since I read my last -- oh, wait a sec, is there a new posting on...?") :D

[satansaloser2005]

I'm sure this has been mentioned, but I think if I read all the posts I would laugh myself to death. *chuckles*




One from me:
If the fic mentions Frodo's bright blue eyes (or as my duck likes to call them, "cerulean orbs"). One shot.

Some from Emily. Cheers:
If Pippin has a Scottish accent. One shot.
....Written in. Another shot.
(both of these only apply if the fics claim to be bookverse accurate)
For every suicide attempt on the part of Frodo, one shot.
If the fic's title is taken from the song "Into the West". One shot.
If it deals with Frodo and/or Sam in Eressea, add one more.



*swaggers*

[satansaloser2005]

I asked Emily if she'd like to contribute anything. She gave me the above, then came up with more. Heh.

If Frodo does not sail: 1 shot.
Because he's found healing by falling in Wuv: 2 shots.
If Pippin has "Speshul Faerie Powers" because Somebody took one line in The Hobbit waaaay out of proprotion: 1 shot.
If the hobbits are ever described as "snuggling": chug some Dramamine.

And an addition to my "cerulean orbs" comment: Drink a pint of Butterbeer if Frodo got them from his mum.

[Nerwen]

"Story" is a thinly-veiled attempt to promote the author's religion or political cause. –take a shot. Two if this is completely out of place in Middle-earth.

–A thinly-veiled attempt to promote the author's personal interest/hobby. –take a shot. Again, take another if this is highly unlikely to be popular in M-e.

–A thinly-veiled attempt to promote the author's sexual fetish. –take two shots. Take three more if said kink involves rape, torture, bestiality or incest. If it involved more than two of these... shoot yourself.

[Kitanna]

Hero/Heroine is a wielder of magic in a Harry Potter, we can all be wizards, sort of way - take a shot
Frodo has a half-elf, half-hobbit child* - Take two shots
Fellowship reunites - take a shot
There's another dragon to kill or it'll ruin everyone's life for realz - Take a shot
Author admits to never having read the books and based it on the movies - take three shots and cry

* Found this one floating about and I laughed quite hard.

[Thenamir]

You know, I might take it on as a personal challenge to write every one of these items into a single story (minus the slash/sexual parts) and thus create some kind of mass-comatose binge.

It'll have to wait until I can get the next post for REB III up...which has been in the works for, what, 10 months now? :Merisu:

[Morthoron]

You know, I might take it on as a personal challenge to write every one of these items into a single story (minus the slash/sexual parts) and thus create some kind of mass-comatose binge.

It'll have to wait until I can get the next post for REB III up...which has been in the works for, what, 10 months now? :Merisu:

If you would care to have an accomplice, I would love to add a character to the mayhem. Perhaps a few roleplayers could make the most wretched "Mary-Sue and the Middle-earth High School Massacre, Part IV: The Seduction of Arwen's Blind Sister" ever created.

I even have the perfect starting sentence:

"It was a dark, stormy night."

*The Dark Elf takes a shot for even thinking of something so diabolical*

[Gwathagor]

Wormwood liquor...is that the same thing as absinthe?

[Morthoron]

Wormwood liquor...is that the same thing as absinthe?

Yes, it is. Yet in context with Elves in trees and branches, I went with the 'wormwood' connotation instead. But as they say, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

[Lush]

A so-called friend sent me a link to a blog which hosted a story with the following elements:

Arwen is really Aragorn's long lost mother... somehow.

They enter into a romantic relationship anyway.

But then Aragorn falls in love with a magical woman with "amber eyes."

Magical woman with amber eyes kills Arwen in some sort of... duel.

Then random hilarity ensues when Thranduil shows up and claims magical woman with amber eyes. And Legolas gets involved on both sides. Somehow.

Oh,and Aragorn just sort of cowers and mopes through it all, and composes bad poetry that sounds kind of like a Nickelback rip-off.

Seemed like a trollfic, but author was defending it rather viciously in the comments. Then it was deleted.

So if you're wondering where I've been, the short answer is "in alcoholic stupor."

[Nerwen]

Link, please?:Merisu:

*is a masochist*

[Lush]

Sadly the opus was deleted, along with the blog it was hosted on. Obviously the brilliance of the author was too much for the collective interwebs to handle, and he wisely decided that casting pearls (i.e. his narrative genius) before swine (i.e. his readership) was ultimately beneath him.

*tiny emo tear*

[Morthoron]

You know, I might take it on as a personal challenge to write every one of these items into a single story (minus the slash/sexual parts) and thus create some kind of mass-comatose binge.

It'll have to wait until I can get the next post for REB III up...which has been in the works for, what, 10 months now?

If you would care to have an accomplice, I would love to add a character to the mayhem. Perhaps a few roleplayers could make the most wretched "Mary-Sue and the Middle-earth High School Massacre, Part IV: The Seduction of Arwen's Blind Sister" ever created.

I even have the perfect starting sentence:

"It was a dark, stormy night."

*The Dark Elf takes a shot for even thinking of something so diabolical*

I repeat my offer to anyone who is interested in writing the most dreadful RP ever created. I am in the process of having the dwarves create a prosthetic finger for Frodo so that he won't be so melancholy, and be whole, and find the Hobbit boy of his dreams.

[Nerwen]

Me! Me!:D

[Morthoron]

Me! Me!:D

*The Dark Elf smirks*

Nerwen, somehow I knew you'd want to be in on this conspiracy. So, what do you think, a true epic farce with stunningly bad elements, or just a stunningly bad epic drama? Or is the line between the two so thin it doesn't matter?

[Mithalwen]

Me! Me!:D

Please sir!!! Me too Sir!!

[Nerwen]

So, what do you think, a true epic farce with stunningly bad elements, or just a stunningly bad epic drama? Or is the line between the two so thin it doesn't matter?

Not really... a stunningly bad epic drama is a farce. We must have angst!

[Morthoron]

Please sir!!! Me too Sir!!

Yes, most certainly.


Not really... a stunningly bad epic drama is a farce. We must have angst!

Hmmm...no, a bad drama maybe farcical, but it's not a farce; whereas a farce is not a bad drama because it is purposely farcical (although it could be a bad farce).

For instance, Lush's author (the one who had Arwen as Aragorn's mum) was not writing a farce, he was deadly serious about his wordsmithing; however, when it became obvious that other readers were not giving the story its just due, he deleted the whole thing in a pique of righteous indignation.

I suppose we could do nothing but write a farce (or satire, if you prefer) because the bad elements will be planned and not merely spontaneous inspiration; yet the story must not seem forced or evident (as if we were planning and presenting a farce or satire). A good satire is one that fools the uninitiated, lulling them into a belief that what they are reading is serious.

[Nerwen]

Precisely what I had in mind.

[Kitanna]

I repeat my offer to anyone who is interested in writing the most dreadful RP ever created. I am in the process of having the dwarves create a prosthetic finger for Frodo so that he won't be so melancholy, and be whole, and find the Hobbit boy of his dreams.
Me sir!

[Morthoron]

Me sir!

Great! Nerwen, Mithalwen, Kitanna...we have the makings of a wondrously...ummm...banal...classic! I should think a few more contributors (roleplays tend to get rather muddied and confusing if there are more than 6 or 7 full-time characters ), and we can start planning.

I'm thinking of creating a half-elven character -- with a twist. You see, my mother, an elf of Doriath, was raped by a dwarf in the sack of Menegroth. Growing up a short elf has been rather hard on me, and the fact that I have to shave every day to look like the other Elves is quite grating. The other elven children used to taunt me and call me "Perenaug". Naturally, I have grown up to be an embittered elf with an axe to grind (quite literally).

[Nerwen]

Hmmn... perhaps I could take up your suggestion from a few posts back? My character is Arwen's blind sister. I have the Mary Sue version of blindness– meaning it causes me deep anguish, but no practical inconvenience whatever. In fact, I'm a much better archer than Legolas.

[Morthoron]

Hmmn... perhaps I could take up your suggestion from a few posts back? My character is Arwen's blind sister. I have the Mary Sue version of blindness– meaning it causes me deep anguish, but no practical inconvenience whatever. In fact, I'm a much better archer than Legolas.

Sort of like the Chuck Norris of blind elves, except with angst.

[Bêthberry]

May one inquire where this hysterical tome will be produced should one wish to follow the hilarity?

While I alas do not peruse fanfiction and so have nothing to contribute here, I do note from the examples provided by this drinking fraternity that apparently Tom Bombadil and Goldberry do not figure highly in fanfiction.

Perhaps Tom as he appears in LotR is enough to drive some fans to drink that there's nothing left to the eager fabulist to overproduce?

[Morthoron]

May one inquire where this hysterical tome will be produced should one wish to follow the hilarity?

Well, since it is roleplay, I assumed it would go under one of the roleplay forums here. Unless, of course, being deemed farcical, it has to go into the Mirth section. I'm not too keen about putting it in the Mirth section, as it will continually get overposted by miscellaneous threads like werewolves, soccer and other off-topic or tangential game posts.

The intent will be a farce, but the method and delivery will be serious. I guess the mods will decide for us.

While I alas do not peruse fanfiction and so have nothing to contribute here, I do note from the examples provided by this drinking fraternity that apparently Tom Bombadil and Goldberry do not figure highly in fanfiction.

Perhaps Tom as he appears in LotR is enough to drive some fans to drink that there's nothing left to the eager fabulist to overproduce?

Perhaps, as you intimated, Tom is far too silly in the first place to go even further beyond the pale.

[Formendacil]

Well, since it is roleplay, I assumed it would go under one of the roleplay forums here. Unless, of course, being deemed farcical, it has to go into the Mirth section. I'm not too keen about putting it in the Mirth section, as it will continually get overposted by miscellaneous threads like werewolves, soccer and other off-topic or tangential game posts.

The intent will be a farce, but the method and delivery will be serious. I guess the mods will decide for us.

Well, granted, I'm no mod... but if Assigned to Mordor and Assigned to Mordor II were suitable for the Shire, I don't think this can be that much worse... though the Mods might see it differently, in their omniscience. ;)

There is, of course, the proposal form you'd have to fill out, likely, before you'd get the official go-ahead in the RPG forums anyway.

[Nerwen]

Well, we might have a few problems there, given that the rules include the following:

WEAPONS (No magical, super-hero, mithril weapons. Just good solid Middle-earth weapons and armor only that is appropriate to the race of the character and the time period.):

PERSONALITY/STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES: (No half-Elven characters. No mixed-type characters. No super-heroes. No assassins. No one all powerful, martial arts proficient, or having any magical traits. Just regular characters with normal abilities for their races only)

and this:

Please play your character realistically and within the boundaries of Middle Earth "reality". Don't act in ways that give you unfair advantages over other players.


also this:

"They were tall, fair of skin and grey-eyed, though their locks were dark, save in the golden house of Finrod; and their voices had more melodies than any mortal voice that is now heard . . .”

Please use this as a guideline for describing your Elven character’s appearance.

and even this:

Jedi Knights and lasers are not permitted.

What is wrong with these people? Why must they stifle our creativity?:mad:

What's a Mary Sue to do?:(

[Mithalwen]

Yes that would stymy my character plans.... :o

[Lalaith]

an addition to my "cerulean orbs" comment: Drink a pint of Butterbeer if Frodo got them from his mum.


What are these orbs? Some kind of moobs? :eek:

I´d be up for this horror-RPG.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Ah,"cerulean orbs." Since I have seen fanfic writers use the term "orbs" to describe two very different parts of human anatomy (one specifically male), and on occasion in the same story, I really think they ought to settle on one or the other, else the reader think some poor character is freezing to death... :rolleyes:

This reminds me of a tale I once heard of Anne McCaffrey's early years as a writer, in which her editor told her that there was a very fine word in the English language, "said," and she might consider using it more often. :)

And for the drinking game, would someone please rate this "summary" tidbit I just happened upon? For me, it's too ghastly to even think of reaching for the bottle (much less attempting to read the story):

A new member to the Fellowship. A mysterious elf, a sorceress, youngest daughter of Elrond and rider of the horse of Sauron. Leoglas and Kyra based. I decided Legolas should get a girl.

And no, I did not misspell Legolas. The author did. Sigh. And please don't ask me who Kyra is. I shudder to think, and really have no desire to know.

[Nerwen]

Heroine/hero is the 10th member of the Fellowship - take a shot.

Legolas broods about his feelings for hero/heroine - take a shot.
(This will happen, obviously.)

Hero/heroine has a special horse, which could basically be described as "Like Shadowfax, only much, much better". –take a shot.

Hero/heroine is allowed to join the Fellowship despite being a vampire/werewolf/half-orc/Sauron's kid/something else which has no business being there. –take two shots.[ (Look, how did she come to ride "Sauron's horse"? There's something funny going on.)

Elrond's second daughter - two shots (+bonus shot for half elf)

Hero/Heroine is a wielder of magic in a Harry Potter, we can all be wizards, sort of way - take a shot.

And possibly:

Hero/Heroine is Gandalf's apprentice ala Harry Potter (or, conversely, villain/villainess is Saruman/Sauron's apprentice, also ala Harry Potter). Two shots for one, three for both, four or more for both plus villain/ess reforms and becomes the apprentice's BFF (and probably Gandalf's newest apprentice).

There you go. At least eight shots, and you haven't even got past the synopsis.

[Eönwë]

Well, we might have a few problems there, given that the rules include the following:

Basically you have to do the exact opposite of all those rules. It should probably go in mirth then...

[Morthoron]

Well, we might have a few problems there, given that the rules include the following:

WEAPONS (No magical, super-hero, mithril weapons. Just good solid Middle-earth weapons and armor only that is appropriate to the race of the character and the time period.):

PERSONALITY/STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES: (No half-Elven characters. No mixed-type characters. No super-heroes. No assassins. No one all powerful, martial arts proficient, or having any magical traits. Just regular characters with normal abilities for their races only)

I have studied these two codicils housed within the Role-playing Moderation Pronouncement very carefully, and, having just watched 'A Man For All Seasons' just now, I am vey much in the mood for a philosophical debate (in the mode of Sir Thomas More) on the fit, form and function of the two aforementioned rulings.

1) In regards to weapons, I would say that there were, in fact, no recorded weapons in Middle-earth fashioned from mithril (mithril, being pliable, could not maintain the rigidity necessary for a tempered sword or axe blade). However, it can be reasonably assumed that a well-to-do dwarf could have a weapon inlayed with mithril, or could have accoutrements made of mithril as family heirlooms (whether coif, hauberk, baldric, helm etc.). Mithril is certainly rare, but a suffiecient amount was mined in Moria (and the bottomless mines are testament to the haul the dwarves took in) to assure a goodly amount is passed on from generation to generation (dwarves being the supreme hoarders, after all). The question here lies in what is reasonable. To have a dwarf fully caparisoned in mithril from head to toe is not reasonable; having some mithril armor is not.

As far as 'magical' weapons, that, of course, would depend on one's definition of magical, the time period one is discussing, and the relative status and race of the character in question. Elvish craftsman did imbue articles with their innate power. This is more readily apparent in the 1st and 2nd Ages (any work of Feanor, or Eol, or Celebrimbor, for instance), but this ability did not rest solely with such renowned masters. One only has to look to the work of the unnamed smiths of Gondolin (who crafted Orcrist, Glamdring and Sting -- magical blades by any other name), or the craft of the the Gwaith-i-Mirdain. In the 3rd Age, there are the Blades of Westernesse. Whether these blades came from Numenor is conjectural, given their title; however, considering these blades were woven with spells to unbind the spirit of the WitchKing, then they could have not been forged anywhere but in Arnor.

Given the fact that these perilous (and 'magic') blades were found accidently in a barrow (just as Sting and Glamdring happened to be in a troll horde for some poorly explained reason), then it is reasonable to assume that these are not the only blades of such caliber and quality and magicality hidden throughout Middle-earth (in the Barrow Downs, the Dead Marshes, in Rivendell, the Gray Havens, Forochel, Annúminas and Fornost). The smiths of Imladris had the ability to reforge Narsil into Anduril (Telchar of Nogrod, a dwarf, not an elf, first forged this magical blade), and there are many descriptions of it, shining as with a flame, covered with runes for Aragorn, as it was when it was still Narsil:

...the sword of Elendil filled Orcs and Men with fear, for it shone with the light of the sun and of the moon, and it was named Narsil. ...Thus Narsil came in due time to the hand of Valandil, Isildur's heir, in Imladris; but the blade was broken and its light extinguished, and it was not forged anew.

2) In regards to personality strengths and weaknesses (and the prohibition on half-elves and magical traits), again, there are very few unions of elves and men, at least withing the context of LotR; however, the tale of Prince Imrahil's ancestor Imrazor and his Silvan bride gives pause to making a blanket statement that there were only those unions germane to Aragorn's story. Let us say instead there were those important in context to the story, but they were not necessarily the only such unions that occurred.

As far as magical traits, what is reasonable? The Noldor of Aman are noted for their duality of spirit, incomparable craftsmanship and powers beyond that of the Sindar or Moriquendi; The Silvan Elves of Mirkwood disappeared in a flash when their feasting was confronted by the dwarves; Eol, a Teleri, wove spells around Nan Elmoth, and the Silvan elves of Lothlorien crafted the world's first camoflage cloaks (almost chameleon-like in their adaptability). It is true that Men, Hobbits and Dwarves lack magical propensities (although it can be argued that the dwarves had innate powers that declined over the ages). But, as Gandalf intimated, there are many magic rings in the world (other than the one, three, seven and nine), and many lost items of great lineage laying about that could aid a muggle...ummm...a non-magical personage.

Bah! I suppose we'll end up in the Mirth section.

I´d be up for this horror-RPG.

You are more than welcome to join, Lalaith.

And for the drinking game, would someone please rate this "summary" tidbit I just happened upon? For me, it's too ghastly to even think of reaching for the bottle (much less attempting to read the story):

A new member to the Fellowship. A mysterious elf, a sorceress, youngest daughter of Elrond and rider of the horse of Sauron. Leoglas and Kyra based. I decided Legolas should get a girl.

And no, I did not misspell Legolas. The author did. Sigh. And please don't ask me who Kyra is. I shudder to think, and really have no desire to know.

An Elfess sorceress, who is a daughter of Elrond, rides Sauron's pestilential pony, and gets to mate with Leoglas? Good lord, this could only be inimitable and renowned Kyra of the Thousand Sorrows! Ummm...actually, I made that last bit up. I have no idea who Kyra is. *shudders*

[Nerwen]

1) In regards to weapons, I would say that there were, in fact, no recorded weapons in Middle-earth fashioned from mithril (mithril, being pliable, could not maintain the rigidity necessary for a tempered sword or axe blade).

On that note, my character is going to have a mithril bow.

An Elfess sorceress, who is a daughter of Elrond, rides Sauron's pestilential pony, and gets to mate with Leoglas? Good lord, this could only be inimitable and renowned Kyra of the Thousand Sorrows! Ummm...actually, I made that last bit up. I have no idea who Kyra is. *shudders*

Google reveals that she was in fact Kyra, the White Sorceress. The fic has –alas!– been deleted.

[Morthoron]

Google reveals that she was in fact Kyra, the White Sorceress. The fic has –alas!– been deleted.

I prefer Kyra of the Thousand Sorrows as a more melodramatic title (and she, of course, should have cerulean orbs). Perhaps the author of the said...ummm...piece needs a ghost writer.;)

[Mithalwen]

Ah,"cerulean orbs." Since I have seen fanfic writers use the term "orbs" to describe two very different parts of human anatomy (one specifically male), and on occasion in the same story, I really think they ought to settle on one or the other, else the reader think some poor character is freezing to death... :rolleyes:

.

Snowballs?

[Morthoron]

Ah,"cerulean orbs." Since I have seen fanfic writers use the term "orbs" to describe two very different parts of human anatomy (one specifically male), and on occasion in the same story, I really think they ought to settle on one or the other, else the reader think some poor character is freezing to death... :rolleyes:


Snowballs?

Blue balls....ummm...in this case meaning...cold....snow balls. Errr...forget this post...post-haste.

[Mithalwen]

Well in the small hours I was wondering if it could be rendered into cod-Elvish as a name.... Sereluin Orbar was the best I could do with out waking up enough to consult reference works...

[Morthoron]

Well, so far our intrepid band of questers in search of ultimate insipidity consists of Nerwen, Mithalwen, Kitanna, Lalaith and Morthoron.

I feel it necessary at this juncture to perhaps discuss the overall project a bit. Perhaps a title? I know most writers actually start the story before coming up with an apt title, but maybe a bassackwards approach would be more appropriate given the specious material in which we shall delve.

With a title we can at least post a discussion thread in the Mirth section (I guess that's where we'll end up), and start outlining the story a bit. Here's some ideas to start:

The Melancholy Mists of Mirkwood (A tragic love story)

With Fronds Like This, Who Needs Anemones? (A tale of the Corsairs of Umbar)

Desire in the Shire (A hobbit romance)

Riverdale High School (No, not with Archie and Jughead, merely a tale of teenage elven angst with Rivendell misspelled)

The Slimarillion (A Middle-earth short story)

To Kill a Crebain?

Drogo Copperfield?

The Brothers Khazâd ai-mênu!?

Aragorn and Old Lace?

Fingolfin's Wake?

The Charge of the Wight Brigade?

Bag-end Revisited?

Okay, cut me off...too much coffee today.

[Lalaith]

Riverdale High School
Ah, Morthoron, not only is your list most excellently hilarious, but you are clearly on my wavelength.

I had you see already envisaged a character: an elven teen named Sharpairien. She is the spoilt, self-centred yet somehow inexplicably lovable youngest daughter of Elrond (from his second marriage to a much younger she-elf) and alone among the Peredhil she boasts glossy auburn locks, a smattering of cute freckles and amber eyes. Her best friend is a camp and gossipy elfboy named Daemian.

[Kitanna]

Aragorn and Old Lace?


Would this mean Galadriel and Arwen will be doing old men like Gandalf in for their own good?

But Riverdale High School sounds like it could bring the most angst to this venture.

[Morthoron]

Ah, Morthoron, not only is your list most excellently hilarious, but you are clearly on my wavelength.

Thank you. The same wavelength? We must be both getting the same signals from outer space. Prepare! The Mother Ship is coming!


I had you see already envisaged a character: an elven teen named Sharpairien. She is the spoilt, self-centred yet somehow inexplicably lovable youngest daughter of Elrond (from his second marriage to a much younger she-elf) and alone among the Peredhil she boasts glossy auburn locks, a smattering of cute freckles and amber eyes. Her best friend is a camp and gossipy elfboy named Daemian.

Excellently derivative and unbelievable!

Would this mean Galadriel and Arwen will be doing old men like Gandalf in for their own good?

I can see Cary Grant as an urbane send-up of Aragorn, circa the late 1930's, early 40's.

[Kitanna]

I can see Cary Grant as an urbane send-up of Aragorn, circa the late 1930's, early 40's.
If only...

[Nerwen]

Would this mean Galadriel and Arwen will be doing old men like Gandalf in for their own good?

But Riverdale High School sounds like it could bring the most angst to this venture.

Decisions, decisions... Is there anyway we can combine the two?

I had you see already envisaged a character: an elven teen named Sharpairien. She is the spoilt, self-centred yet somehow inexplicably lovable youngest daughter of Elrond (from his second marriage to a much younger she-elf) and alone among the Peredhil she boasts glossy auburn locks, a smattering of cute freckles and amber eyes.

So we're sisters!:D

But I was planning on having glossy auburn locks! Now what will I do? :(

[Morthoron]

So we're sisters!:D

But I was planning on having glossy auburn locks! Now what will I do? :(

Well, you can offset the similarity by having violet eyes, and Lalaith can have cerulean orbs. :Merisu:

[Mithalwen]

Oh I was hoping for Bag-End revisited ... ;) with Elrond as Lady Marchmain and Elladan as Bridey Elrohir as Sebastian. Aragorn would of course have the Charles Rydey role. Eomer would be Boy Mulcaster and Eowyn his sister whose name escapes me ..... I may now have to do this for the "Tolkien by other authors" thread

[Morthoron]

Oh I was hoping for Bag-End revisited ... ;) with Elrond as Lady Marchmain and Elladan as Bridey Elrohir as Sebastian. Aragorn would of course have the Charles Rydey role. Eomer would be Boy Mulcaster and Eowyn his sister whose name escapes me ..... I may now have to do this for the "Tolkien by other authors" thread

Well, we have one vote for a Middle-earth parody presented in the mode of Brideshead Revisited (in this case, Bag-end revisited), and we also have a vote for Riverdale High School (teenage Elven angst).

I have given thought to the Fingolfin's Wake title and considered that we might do it in a stream of consciousness (or in this case unconsciousness) style a la James Joyce. We won't require a plot per se, nor will we need characters (or at least, characters that make sense from one page to the next)... just a potpourri of allusions, metaphors, multi-level puns, neologisms, dangling participles and Freudian dream sequences.

No one will understand a thing we're tallking about; therefore, we shall appear deep.
And we are, are we, swoping priggily the prof's Middangeard, barrowing Mahtan's spark as the espiritu flammula did on a once ago.

[Nerwen]

And we are, are we, swoping priggily the prof's Middangeard, barrowing Mahtan's spark as the espiritu flammula did on a once ago.
:D

I fear this could get tiring, however.

[Morthoron]

:D

I fear this could get tiring, however.

I know. I got tired just writing it.

In any case, I was joking. I'm just trying to start a discussion on the overall plot.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Well, we have one vote for a Middle-earth parody presented in the mode of Brideshead Revisited (in this case, Bag-end revisited), and we also have a vote for Riverdale High School (teenage Elven angst).

If you go for the latter, it should be "Rivendale" (because you won't believe how many times I've seen it spelled that way -- and not as a typo, consistently throughout the story, which makes it obvious the writer never cracked the books, but spelled it the way s/he "heard" it in the movies. You ask why I bother ever actually reading some of this? For someone who has been both a writer and professional editor, it's like watching a train wreck. Compelling in its sheer horror... ;)). And it seems that a true Mary Sue is never merely Elven. They're almost always some combination of Elf/Human, Elf/Istari (almost never in the singular, mind you, I guess that i on the end must sound cooler or something), all three, or even Elf/Hobbit. Never Elf/Dwarf. A pity -- now, that could be a real source of teenage angst, an outcast even to herself, because everyone knows how terribly Elves hate Dwarves, so of course the MS would be torn between hating and loving herself, and would need the Love of A Good Elf to teach her just how Wonderful and Special she really is...

Good lord, I think I feel my gorge rising at the very thought... or a severe case of sugar shock coming on.... :D

[Morthoron]

If you go for the latter, it should be "Rivendale" (because you won't believe how many times I've seen it spelled that way -- and not as a typo, consistently throughout the story, which makes it obvious the writer never cracked the books, but spelled it the way s/he "heard" it in the movies.

Actually, I used the 'Riverdale' spelling because I've seen it spelled that way on multiple occasions (I've also seen it spelled 'Rivendale', as you recalled); however, the Riverdale spelling cracks me up because Riverdale High was where Archie comics of the 60's had its base. So, one can have Elf equivalents of Veronica, Betty, Reggie and...ummm...Jughead.

You ask why I bother ever actually reading some of this? For someone who has been both a writer and professional editor, it's like watching a train wreck. Compelling in its sheer horror... ).

As a writer, English lit. major, former university English tutor and ex-substitute teacher, I am equally enthralled by horrid writing (it must be the trade's addiction). I once did an ongoing Roleplay 101 course (novel-based roleplay) on another forum for a few years, and used the most appalling examples of 'what not to do' rp'ing-wise directly from the stories on those boards. Needless to say, I never ran out of examples.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Hmm, then who's Jughead...? :D

Actually, you could use both names, randomly. I've seen plenty of bad fanfics wherein the author is quite unable to decide which one it's supposed to be, and certainly doesn't care one bit about proofreading. What's even more horrifying is the fact that people actually praise some of the worst I've seen as being excellent and true to canon. *shudder*

[Morthoron]

Hmm, then who's Jughead...? :D

Jughead? Probably Erestor, Elrond's sidekick.

Actually, you could use both names, randomly. I've seen plenty of bad fanfics wherein the author is quite unable to decide which one it's supposed to be, and certainly doesn't care one bit about proofreading. What's even more horrifying is the fact that people actually praise some of the worst I've seen as being excellent and true to canon. *shudder*

Yes, abberant misspellings (meaning, even the misspellings do not follow a consistent pattern) are a hallmark of bad roleplay and bad writing in general. I am always amused with what I refer to as 'Chat RP', wherein the collaborators' efforts consist of single line posts (one or two sentences per character) with nominal grammar (the article 'teh' is prominent) that stretch on for hundreds of posts. This type of RP is fun because one can start from the final post and read backwards to the first post and the story does not suffer (having made little sense to begin with). Needless to say, canonicity is about as evident as punctuation.

[Nerwen]

Yes, abberant misspellings (meaning, even the misspellings do not follow a consistent pattern) are a hallmark of bad roleplay and bad writing in general.

In that case, we should all remember to refer to Isildur's heir as "Aragon", "Eragon" and "Argon".

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Perhaps "Errorgorn" would be a suitable alternative... :D

[Mithalwen]

If you don't think I woul dbe handicapped by never having slogged through much of Joyce other than Portrait of the Artist as a Pretentious Git then Fingolfin's Wake gets my vote. I have an "Easter rebellion" surname and a tendency to stream of consciousness (some call it rambling) I'll save Brideshead for another thread. I can't help thinking the Bloom link is a sign....

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Morthoron and cohorts, it's a shame the Entish Bow/Merisu parody has stalled - sounds like you'd all be great contributors! I was going to keep writing it all alone, if necessary, but alas, other priorities have kept me from imaginative writing at this time. Still, I wonder if there would be some way to incorporate your ideas in the stranded adventures of the Guy/Galship... :Merisu:

[Morthoron]

Morthoron and cohorts, it's a shame the Entish Bow/Merisu parody has stalled - sounds like you'd all be great contributors! I was going to keep writing it all alone, if necessary, but alas, other priorities have kept me from imaginative writing at this time. Still, I wonder if there would be some way to incorporate your ideas in the stranded adventures of the Guy/Galship... :Merisu:


*The Dark Elf bows*

I've read the Entish Bow, and feel it would be impertinent to take up where others have left off in this case. It is, after all, not our story, and I feel it would stifle the creative process to maintain a stilted adherence to someone else's plot-line. However, if you'd like, you are more than welcome to join in the formulation of the present tale, and add your character from the previous story; thus, one of the old guard joins with the new.

Estelyn, one question: where is the best place to put this story? I believe that all those who have agreed to collaborate are veteran rp'ers (whether on these forums or elsewhere), so which segment of the forums (or fora) would this best fit?

If you don't think I would be handicapped by never having slogged through much of Joyce other than Portrait of the Artist as a Pretentious Git then Fingolfin's Wake gets my vote. I have an "Easter rebellion" surname and a tendency to stream of consciousness (some call it rambling) I'll save Brideshead for another thread. I can't help thinking the Bloom link is a sign....

Actually, I was only joking about making a parody of Middle-earth that mimics Joyce (I would liken it to eating ice cream too fast and getting a brain freeze). But what would be humorous is to synthesize several different author's styles within the framework of the story. It often seems that seriously banal roleplay (and I mean serious regarding someone who is actually trying to be literate) has an another author's influence directly imposed on the fan-fic. In that regard, we are intending to write dreadful prose, or rather, what seems at a glance to be dreadful, but is deviously plotted to be, in actuality, something altogether different from its intended purpose. Satire (like fantasy) is only great when there is a suspension of disbelief, and the reader is lulled into enjoying the story for its own sake (which is why most bald farces fail).

[Mithalwen]

Eeek... I think I am going to have to rely on an innate ability to write dreadful prose.... and I would prefer a completely new start for many of the reasons Morthoron stated plus the not having read the original one.

[Nerwen]

I think, even before we decide on the scenario, we should lay down some basic rules. Here are my suggestions:


1. Try to upstage everyone else as much as possible, making your character the centre of attention at all costs. Remember: When you're a Sue, it's all about you.

2. Your character's beautiful appearance (particularly the hair and eyes) must be described at least once per day, using a minimum of four adjectives on each occasion.

3. Your character must also appear in a stunning new outfit at frequent intervals– even if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness. In fact, make that especially if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness.

4. You may launch into a detailed account of your character's beauty, talents, tragic past etc. at any time, regardless of what else is going on. (Yes, I do mean in the middle of a fight.)

[Morthoron]

I think, even before we decide on the scenario, we should lay down some basic rules. Here are my suggestions:


1. Try to upstage everyone else as much as possible, making your character the centre of attention at all costs. Remember: When you're a Sue, it's all about you.

2. Your character's beautiful appearance (particularly the hair and eyes) must be described at least once per day, using a minimum of four adjectives on each occasion.

3. Your character must also appear in a stunning new outfit at frequent intervals– even if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness. In fact, make that especially if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness.

4. You may launch into a detailed account of your character's beauty, talents, tragic past etc. at any time, regardless of what else is going on. (Yes, I do mean in the middle of a fight.)

*snickers*

perhaps add the following:

5. The death of a parent or loved one (usually done in by orcs) is central to your character's melancholia.

6. The desire for an unrequited love, a love who has already sailed into the West, or in any case a love who is far off, is central to your character's melancholia.

7. A weapon of unlimited and arcane power is naturally a requirement.

8. Your character must have abilities that are not necessarily canonical to Tolkien (ie., telepathy over hundreds of miles, magic in a non-magic race, beserker power to slay hundreds of orcs at one sitting, etc.).

9. Your character should either speak in a heightened, almost-Shakepearean manner, or else talk in modern slang.

10. Without our aid, the ring-bearer will ultimately fail.

[Nerwen]

11. As a corollary to Rule 9, you should avoid the correct use of archaic pronouns. Accompanying verbs should also be wrong (and, occasionally, German*). Your character may shift speaking styles as often as you like– preferably in mid-sentence.

12. Add local colour! Your character's conversation should be peppered with words and phrases from the Elvish languages of Middle-earth– such as Grey Company Elvish, Spanish, Italian, Pig Latin, Backwards English and Cat-Walking-on-the-Keyboard.**




*Truly, I've seen this.

**I've seen all of these, too.

[Mithalwen]

*snickers*

perhaps add the following:

5. The death of a parent or loved one (usually done in by orcs) is central to your character's melancholia.



Ideally both parents and all relatives other than some connection to a status giving person or someone missing presumed enthralled (in a bad way).

We mustn't forget the uber talented pet in all this... whether wonderdog or extremely obliging and communicative hawk.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

13. (the Evil Number :D) If the source of your melancholia is not your parents or lost love having been done in by orcs, then Sauron is your father. Or possibly Saruman, if the melancholia isn't terribly severe.

14. If your melancholia is severe and Sauron is your father, then he either killed your lost love, or is holding him prisoner.

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda. :D

16. If you do call your friends by name, you ALWAYS call them by name. You cannot say a sentence to them without including their name at least once.

My, this could get truly warped.

[Morthoron]

17. The word 'elfess' or 'elfesses' must be liberally strewn in the text to denote Elvish women; likewise, the use of the term 'elven maid' is recommended.

18. Your character should be directly related to one of Tolkien's characters (Aragorn's disinherited half-brother, Elrond's love child, Legolas' lesbian sister, etc.). Anonymity, bourgeois or pedestrian relations are not de rigeur in Mary-Sue fan-fic.

19. In conjunction with #17, Tolkien's characters must play integral parts in the story, and are beholden to your character in one way or another ("If it weren't for my timely aid, Gandalf would not have driven the Nazgul from Weathertop!").

20. Use Harlequin Romance novels as research tools rather than Tolkien's works (they are more canonical in Mary-Sue fiction).

[Nerwen]

17. The word 'elfess' or 'elfesses' must be liberally strewn in the text to denote Elvish women; likewise, the use of the term 'elven maid' is recommended.

Also: "She-elf".

[Nerwen]

Character Description Form:


(Your-Name)'s character

NAME:

AGE (chronological):

AGE (mental):

RACE(S):

GENDER:

SPECIAL WEAPONS/JEWELLERY/OTHER ITEMS:

RENOWNED CRAFTSMAN WHO MADE THEM:

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

SPECIAL PET(S):

RELATIONSHIP TO TOLKIEN'S CHARACTER(S):

IS IN LOVE WITH:

IS LOVED BY:

APPEARANCE: (No grey-eyed, dark-haired Elves. No Hobbits with curly brown hair and furry feet. Please pick an appearance which will show that your character is really special.)

TOKEN FLAW/WEAKNESS (which proves that your character is NOT, repeat NOT, a Mary Sue!):

TRAGIC PAST/OTHER REASON FOR ANGST:

(OPTIONAL) REALMS TO WHICH YOUR CHARACTER IS THE RIGHTFUL HEIR:

REASON THE FATE OF MIDDLE-EARTH DEPENDS ON YOUR CHARACTER:

[Mithalwen]

12. Add local colour! Your character's conversation should be peppered with words and phrases from the Elvish languages of Middle-earth– such as Grey Company Elvish, Spanish, Italian, Pig Latin, Backwards English and Cat-Walking-on-the-Keyboard.**

.

I like this idea - is there a fixed convention here - German for Rohirric? Latin for Quenya, French for Sindarin Langue d'Oc for Adunaic? Or as our whimsy takes us?

Of course characters should engineer otherwise entirely reduntant scenes for the chance to say "Elen sila lumenn omentielvo" or "Ai na vedui ..."

[Nerwen]

Of course. And no, there's no fixed convention. In fact, if possible, everyone should do something different.

However–

21. Phrases in Middle-earth languages (real or fake) should be accompanied by a translation in brackets. This translation must be wrong.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Codicil to 21: the inaccurate translation in brackets must accompany EVERY use of the word, and should include Sin., Q., or the apparently scholarly abbreviation for whatever language it's supposed to be.

I have seen this so many times, I've occasionally been tempted to chuck my laptop across the room in sheer... I don't know what, frustration or craziness come closest. But no bad fanfic is worth that. :)

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Morthoron, Mithalwen, I quite agree that you should have the freedom of setting up your own original story rather than having to fit into an existing one. My idea was more wishful thinking than anything else, my Elvish nostalgia for the glories of days gone by...

As to the location, you'd best write a PM to piosenniel, who can advise you on all matters RPG.


edit: It's so much fun to read all of your highly amusing ideas - are non-participants allowed to contribute? If so, I would like to add a couple of codicils:

to #6: This fact does not stop your character from romantic involvement with every other appropriate or inappropriate character that comes her/his way.

to #7: The weapon must have a name, preferably one that shows its noble lineage and notable history.

to Mithalwen's idea about pets: In addition to other accompanying animals, each character must have an equine companion with special gifts - a unicorn, or at the very least, a speaking horse, if not an even more exotic beast - to ride.

[Nerwen]

14. If your melancholia is severe and Sauron is your father, then he either killed your lost love, or is holding him prisoner.

Addendum to 14.: If this is not the case, then your melancholia results from the fact that Daddy sent you to wipe out the Fellowship (which he knows all about, for reasons which will never be explained) ...and you've fallen in love with Aragorn.

[Mithalwen]

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda. :D

My, this could get truly warped.


Or even melatonin if you are sleep deprived.

I do hope so :D

[Nerwen]

And how could I forget...

22. Should all go as planned between you and the object of your lust– er, I mean admiration– remember that Gandalf moonlights as a marriage celebrant.

[Morthoron]

Morthoron's character

NAME: Naugredhil

AGE (chronological): 1st Age (several thousand years)

AGE (mental): about 16

RACE(S): Half-dwarf (half-Sindarin)

GENDER: Male

SPECIAL WEAPONS/JEWELRY/OTHER ITEMS: The Naugrond -- Hammer of the Dwarves.

RENOWNED CRAFTSMAN WHO MADE THEM: Created by Telchar in the deeps of time (he actually wittled it on a lunch break during the days he was crafting Narsil).

SPECIAL ABILITIES: A dwarf's endurance and drinking ability, with elvish acuity and fashion sense.

SPECIAL PET(S): having also the dwarvish ability to speak with birds, he has as his companion the foul-speaking myna named Harlot.

RELATIONSHIP TO TOLKIEN'S CHARACTER(S): He once saved Elrond from a bad hair day.

IS IN LOVE WITH: An unrequited love for the elf-maiden Rintintinavulaossea-Estelauder, whose father refused his proffer of marriage because of his unseemly height.

IS LOVED BY: No one, he does not fit in with the elves, who mock his shortness, nor the dwarves, who laugh at his parti-colored robes (Particularly the ones with the satin hoods).

APPEARANCE: He has smoldering black eyes flecked with green that turn a fiery red when he is angered. He is blessed with a wavy mop of brown hair that has silken strands of blond highlights that glisten in the early morning sun. He has a five-o'clock shadow even though he shaves constantly (having inherited a beard gene from his unknown dwarvish father). He's about 5'8'' with the gnarled muscles of the dwarven race, but his movements are agile with the predatory grace of a feline.

TOKEN FLAW/WEAKNESS (which proves that your character is NOT, repeat NOT, a Mary Sue!): His height, which is a constant cause for melancholy.

TRAGIC PAST/OTHER REASON FOR ANGST: His mother, a Sindarin elf, was raped by a dwarf of Tumunzahar during the sack of Menegroth after the death of Thingol. His mother, though wane from grief and embarrassment, still bore the cursed child out of a sense of duty and faith (Tolkien being Catholic and all). As she lay dying from blood loss, she uttered the famous prophecy:

All that is withered is not necessarily old,
Not all that ponder do deeply think.
Some haven't the sense to come in from the cold
Because they've had far too much to drink.

From the squat gawking up at the world --
Sorely mocked for his poor lack of height --
Shall get all the cool stuff and the girl,
In spite of his measure so slight.

(OPTIONAL) REALMS TO WHICH YOUR CHARACTER IS THE RIGHTFUL HEIR: His mother, who just happened to be Eol's sister, was heir to Nan Elmoth. At the end of his days, Naugredhil shall steal a rowboat (knocking some Hobbit named Sam into the water), and sail out into the West. Unfortunately, he won't find Nan Elmoth because it is, of course, submerged.

REASON THE FATE OF MIDDLE-EARTH DEPENDS ON YOUR CHARACTER: Ummm...because...I will eventually figure out a way to make it so?

[Nerwen]

Now I'm torn. My character was going to be Elrond's Other Daughter... but I just discovered a wonderfully absurd Daughter-of-Evil fic. I'm really tempted to base my character on that instead.

Decisions, decisions...:(

[Mithalwen]

play both ... I am torn between 2 ideas so I may have to have a carry-on ;)

Actually the second is just my first ever RPG character who would just slot in :o

[Nerwen]

23. You are, of course, free to invent customs for any Middle-earth society– provided they add to the specialness/angst of your character.

[Nerwen]

Character Description Form:


Nerwen's character (1)

NAME: Alatariel Moonflower.

AGE (chronological): 513.

AGE (mental): 14.

RACE(S): Half-elf(ess).

GENDER: Female.

SPECIAL WEAPONS/JEWELLERY/OTHER ITEMS: A golden amulet that warns her when evil is near (by going "ping" loudly). A mithril bow studded with rubies.

RENOWNED CRAFTSMAN WHO MADE THEM: Celebrimbor. Originally they were a present to the Sue's grandmother, Galadriel.

SPECIAL ABILITIES: Really good ESP, which enables her to be a skilled warrior despite her total blindness. Archery (best bow-elfess in Middle-earth). Healing. Magical singing (of traditional Elvish ballads like "May It Be", "Into the West" and "The Wind Beneath My Wings").

SPECIAL PET(S): Sparklehorn, her unicorn– the last unicorn in Middle-earth, naturally. They can communicate telepathically.

RELATIONSHIP TO TOLKIEN'S CHARACTER(S): Elrond's younger daughter.

IS IN LOVE WITH: Glorfindel. But he has barely noticed her existance.

IS LOVED BY: No-one... no-one at all... *sob*

APPEARANCE: Golden hair shot with silver– just like her grandma. Emerald-green eyes which are "more beautiful than eyes that see", as I will remind you all at frequent intervals. They turn silver when she is using her ESP at full power.

TOKEN FLAW/WEAKNESS (which proves that your character is NOT, repeat NOT, a Mary Sue!): Well, she's blind.

TRAGIC PAST/OTHER REASON FOR ANGST: She was scarcely more than a babe when her mother, Celebrían, for some reason decided to take her on her ill-fated trip over the Redhorn Pass. The infant Alatariel Moonflower had to witness her mother's torture– until the Orcs blinded her, using the proverbial "poke in the eye with a burnt stick". (Somehow™, this did not disfigure her eyes at all.)

Since then she has had to suffer both her father's overprotection... and the contempt of other Elves, who, it turns out, hate blind people. Oh, and they despise her for being a "mongrel", too.

No wonder her only friend is her unicorn.:( Oh, and her grandmother– see below.

(OPTIONAL) REALMS TO WHICH YOUR CHARACTER IS THE RIGHTFUL HEIR: Lórien. Her older siblings are out, due to a law which bars dark-haired people from inheriting. ("It's the golden house of Finarfin, geddit?" Galadriel was heard to remark.)

REASON THE FATE OF MIDDLE-EARTH DEPENDS ON YOUR CHARACTER: She's the ideal backup Ringbearer. Since she can't see, she can't be dazzled by the Ring's evil beauty. Not only that, but like all handicapped people (in fan-fiction), she is noble and unselfish enough to be trusted with an object that gives virtually unlimited power. Honestly. You believe her, right?:Merisu:

[Eönwë]

How about an albino orc, who exiled by his clan (I assume orcs are worse-than-Spartan) who strikes up a frienship with a similarly outcast elf (both of whom- or at least the orc- managed to survive alone in the wild since they were young children) and theychallenge anyone to think otherwise.

Awww... but I have neither the time nor the skill...

[Mithalwen]

Ah well that solve that dilemma - Moonflower is far too close to that original character Aglariel Laurelote, niece of Glorfindel and beloved of Elrohir :o

[Nerwen]

Ah well that solve that dilemma - Moonflower is far too close to that original character Aglariel Laurelote, niece of Glorfindel and beloved of Elrohir :o

You haven't seen my other character yet...:D

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

TOKEN FLAW/WEAKNESS (which proves that your character is NOT, repeat NOT, a Mary Sue!): Well, she's blind.

And she has absolutely no problem whatsoever seeing better than anyone else in Middle-earth, right? :D

There is a certainly quality that harkens back to the very first Mary Sue (who was of Star Trek fanfic in origin, and provided the name, as she was Lieutenant Mary Sue) that should not be forgotten, I think: Everyone, even the people who hated her, still loved her. Mary Sue, of course, was not necessarily aware of this, but all men loved her (openly or secretly; she left a trail of broken hearts behind her, which she would have healed had she but known) and even the women who envied her beauty, skill, wit, charm, etc. and should have hated her loved her anyway. Now, that the Sue might be unaware of this immense outpouring of love toward her... oh, the angst, the tragedy...! :rolleyes:

Eonwe, perhaps it should be an albino half-orc. It seems that most Sues in Middle-earth are half-something (half-witted, no, though that could be said of many Sue writers). And perhaps a shape-shifter. Sues seem to love that ability. :D

[Nerwen]

And she has absolutely no problem whatsoever seeing better than anyone else in Middle-earth, right? :D

As I said, she has really good ESP... when she cranks it up she can see colours and everything... in a "not seeing them" kind of way, of course (whatever that means) :Merisu:

[Mithalwen]

Like synaesthesia I expect

[Kitanna]

Character Description Form:



RENOWNED CRAFTSMAN WHO MADE THEM: Celebrimbor. Originally they were a present to the Sue's grandmother, Galadriel.


TRAGIC PAST/OTHER REASON FOR ANGST: She was scarcely more than a babe when her mother, Celebrían, for some reason decided to take her on her ill-fated trip over the Redhorn Pass. The infant Alatariel Moonflower had to witness her mother's torture– until the Orcs blinded her, using the proverbial "poke in the eye with a burnt stick".

My dear Nerwen, we could be relatives. I say that because I was planning to make my character Galadriel's other daughter. The more angst ridden one of course. Though I'm sure Celebrian was full of angst in her time.

[Nerwen]

All the more reason for your character to out-angst her.

[Morthoron]

All the more reason for your character to out-angst her.

I am looking forward to the story with angsticipation.

What time period shall we choose? Are we sticking with a 'forever-following-Frodo' format directly in-sync timewise with LotR?

[Nerwen]

That's the most typical Mary Sue scenario. Or we could do one of those ones where somebody has been poisoned, or the victim of an evil spell, and we have to go on a quest to find the antidote... possibly to the land of some creatures from a completely different fictional world.;)


As I said, I was going to propose an alternative character, based on a particularly silly Daughter-of-Evil I just found... butI think I've put quite enough work into making Alatariel Moonflower as special as she is.:Merisu:

If anyone needs inspiration, here are some excerpts from the work in question:

There was no such thing as beauty in Mordor till Sauron married the elf maiden, Lady Elaine, the sister of the Lady Galadriel. Further beauty was placed in Mordor when Dûrwen (Half-Elf/Half-Maia) was born.

She had fair skin, as smooth as the mountain water, jade eyes brighter than all the jewels under the earth, and delicate features like all elves. The only characteristic that she had of her father was his hair. Dûrwen’s hair was dark brown and had a red tint to it that resembled a garnet stone.

"He knew you could use it [the Ring]. You are half-Maia. You have his will and his strength and more! There is no doubt that you can wield it for him."

Dûrwen was shocked.

Her father, whom she had loved so dearly, merely kept her as a back-up plan in case things did not go his way. For the first time in her life hatred filled her soul.

[Morthoron]

That's the most typical Mary Sue scenario. Or we could do one of those ones where somebody has been poisoned, or the victim of an evil spell, and we have to go on a quest to find the antidote... possibly to the land of some creatures from a completely different fictional world.;)

My thought would be that our story does indeed coincide with the Fellowship of the Ring; however, we are given a quest, ostensibly because the Ring-bearers objective will fail utterly without our considerable assistance (when in actuality, either Elrond or Galadriel, having had enough of our angst, think up a plausible scenario to get us the hell out of town). So, we are sent as far away as possible, in another direction (east, towards Erebor or Rhun), where our whining characters might redeem their insufferable insipidity (or die, which might be the preferable, but unspoken, hope of the powers-that-be).

[Lindale]

My goodness. I did find the work (http://www.lotrfanfiction.com/viewstory.php?sid=10288&PHPSESSID=64e5783e3e5eab35d0e07350ab4ac1d1) you seem to be referring to.

That is the first fan fic I've read. And it horrified me. :eek:

[Nerwen]

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda. :D

Of course, we'll need to be careful saying that around Eönwë's character...

My thought would be that our story does indeed coincide with the Fellowship of the Ring; however, we are given a quest, ostensibly because the Ring-bearers objective will fail utterly without our considerable assistance (when in actuality, either Elrond or Galadriel, having had enough of our angst, think up a plausible scenario to get us the hell out of town). So, we are sent as far away as possible, in another direction (east, towards Erebor or Rhun), where our whining characters might redeem their insufferable insipidity (or die, which might be the preferable, but unspoken, hope of the powers-that-be).

Sounds good to me.:cool:

My goodness. I did find the work (http://www.lotrfanfiction.com/viewstory.php?sid=10288&PHPSESSID=64e5783e3e5eab35d0e07350ab4ac1d1) you seem to be referring to.

That is the first fan fic I've read. And it horrified me. :eek:

Oh, they get far worse than that. It's very common for a LotR Sue to be the daughter of Sauron (or Saruman). And her mother is always an Elf, often Galadriel's uncanonical sister (or Galadriel).

Caution: it's best not to think about this too hard.

Basically, this is one is exactly like all the others... only a little bit more so. It's the quintessence of Daughter-of-Evil fics.

[Mithalwen]

When she says she can barley win against Haldir, is that a drinking contest do you suppose?

I do like the way it is claimed to be authenticated by the Silmarillion... and Elrond's letter writing skills are ..awe-inspiring.

[Nerwen]

My favourite bit is when it finally dawns on the Mary Sue that Daddy Dearest wasn't... you know... all that nice.

Only took her several thousand years to work that one out...

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

I couldn't make it past the "preface":

***NOTE: the Half-Maia comes from the Silmarillion. Sauron was known to have originated as a spirit called a Maia, which were sent down to Middle-Earth to help the Valar shape the world. They came before the race of man or even elves. Prior to the publication of The Silmarillion Sauron's origins and true identity were unclear to those without full access to Tolkien's notes. In early editions of Robert Foster's The Complete Guide to Middle-earth, Sauron is described as "probably of the Eldar elves." BUT I don’t have much information on them so I concluded that the Maia part of Dûrwen is what makes her like Sauron. Though she thinks of herself as “full” elf, the Maia qualities start to devour her thoughts, emotions and actions throughout the story, but become too strong for her as she gets closer to Mordor.

Okaaaay.... So much of this makes me cringe, I shuddered to think of the train wreck that would follow. As a lover of Tolkien's works, the apparent lack of understanding of his works boggles the mind. As a fan writer, it appalls me. If I had this little comprehension of what I was writing about, I wouldn't bother. And I have been asked why I insist on posting my stuff on my own website and not in any fanfic archives. This just sorta sums it up... "But I don't have much information on them..." ...so I went and wrote this story, anyway. Don't have much information on the Eldar... yeah, right. :rolleyes:

How many shots does that preface alone get in the drinking game? :D

From what was quoted in Nerwen's earlier post, I suppose we ought to give Sauron credit for doing the right thing by Elaine and marrying her. Usually, his kids are the products of unspeakable horrors. Like him coming to personally oversee and participate in Celebrian's torture.

[Nerwen]

"But I don't have much information on them..." ...so I went and wrote this story, anyway. Don't have much information on the Eldar... yeah, right. :rolleyes:

But note the attempt to sound knowledgeable:

Prior to the publication of The Silmarillion Sauron's origins and true identity were unclear to those without full access to Tolkien's notes. In early editions of Robert Foster's The Complete Guide to Middle-earth, Sauron is described as "probably of the Eldar elves."


Want to bet those two sentences aren't copy-pasted from Wikipedia or something similar?

From what was quoted in Nerwen's earlier post, I suppose we ought to give Sauron credit for doing the right thing by Elaine and marrying her. Usually, his kids are the products of unspeakable horrors. Like him coming to personally oversee and participate in Celebrian's torture.

Or kidnapping Mrs Thranduil and having his wicked way with her. :rolleyes: There was one where he turned out to be Legolas' father...

[Oddwen]

Take a shot if a situation damaging to any romantic relationship occurs, such as Arwen walking in on Aragorn & Legolas kissing, and the angst goes on for chapters and chapters, but is solved in one small explanation (take two shots if it's in the heat of battle) such as "I was only kissing him to save the world." Because that's such an acceptable reason, after all.

Take a shot if everyone in the fic cries of angst at least once. Even Sauron.

Take a shot if a member of the Fellowship is an evil spy. Two shots if it's not Boromir.

[Nerwen]

Take a shot if a situation damaging to any romantic relationship occurs, such as Arwen walking in on Aragorn & Legolas kissing, and the angst goes on for chapters and chapters, but is solved in one small explanation (take two shots if it's in the heat of battle) such as "I was only kissing him to save the world." Because that's such an acceptable reason, after all.

Take a shot if everyone in the fic cries of angst at least once. Even Sauron.

Take a shot if a member of the Fellowship is an evil spy. Two shots if it's not Boromir.

Excellent suggestions, Oddwen. I've seen ALL of them.

...I think I've seen too much.:eek:

[Morthoron]

Okaaaay.... So much of this makes me cringe, I shuddered to think of the train wreck that would follow. As a lover of Tolkien's works, the apparent lack of understanding of his works boggles the mind. As a fan writer, it appalls me. If I had this little comprehension of what I was writing about, I wouldn't bother. And I have been asked why I insist on posting my stuff on my own website and not in any fanfic archives. This just sorta sums it up... "But I don't have much information on them..." ...so I went and wrote this story, anyway. Don't have much information on the Eldar... yeah, right. :rolleyes:

Yet, as with all such dreadful drek, the story has an ardent fan (see the one 'review' of the story). It reminds me of the H.L. Mencken quote: "No one in this world has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses..."

[Lindale]

Oh, they get far worse than that. It's very common for a LotR Sue to be the daughter of Sauron (or Saruman). And her mother is always an Elf, often Galadriel's uncanonical sister (or Galadriel).

Caution: it's best not to think about this too hard.


I actually read more. And I consulted a cousin who is a rabid fan of anime fan-fics. She told me yaoi scenes and such are very usual in those, so she assumed (rightly) that yaoi scenes would be present... so I went back to the site, and visited something called fanfiction.net, and to my surprise I found myself laughing at a fan-fic about Feanor and his sons trying for the nth time to escape from Mandos. Unfortunately I have cleared my private data, and cannot find the link anymore. :(

About the one fan of the fan fic in discussion, I remember a saying: If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, dazzle them with bullsh*t.

[Mithalwen]

The first fanfic I read involved a pregnant Boromir. It would take a lot to faze me after that....

[Lindale]

I found it (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2771448/1/Crime_and_Punishment) again!! The fanfic that made me laugh so hard. It isn't as bad as the Merisu-ish ones. I don't even think it has a Merisu.

How many shots to that? A swim in an oak barrel of beer, if I may suggest.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

But note the attempt to sound knowledgeable:

Quote:
Prior to the publication of The Silmarillion Sauron's origins and true identity were unclear to those without full access to Tolkien's notes. In early editions of Robert Foster's The Complete Guide to Middle-earth, Sauron is described as "probably of the Eldar elves."

Want to bet those two sentences aren't copy-pasted from Wikipedia or something similar?


I would call that a sucker bet. :D And funny, I knew that Gandalf was "an angel" well before the Silmarillion was published. References to that comment of Tolkien's showed up in at least two scholarly works that I read back when I was in college (in the early '70s). Even before that, when I first read LotR at age 11, I figured out long before the end of the book that Gandalf was something unusual, since he was not an Elf, and could not have been a Man, either, since he was nearly 2000 years old. That and other things in the story made me figure that Sauron might be a wizard gone bad -- which wasn't all that far from the truth. Robert Foster apparently didn't make that connection, nor, it seems, did the Sue writer. Sigh.

[Morthoron]

Well, since we are going for a veneer of pseudo-intellectuality, then in addition to misquoting and misinterpreting obscure Tolkienia, perhaps we should inject a little exoliterary (a word I just pompously invented) blundering as well. I am thinking specifically of the classic misunderstandings and misidentifications found in Shakespeare's pastoral plays (As You Like It, for example): He loves her, but she spurns him because she loves the other, but the other is not really a he but a disguised she who loves the first, etc.

Of course, blatant literary rip-offs on this scale must be plainly labeled as such in order to show off our pretentiousness. Maybe we can have an elf NPC named Touchstone making snide asides.

[Nerwen]

Ah well, I know of one dreadful LotR Suethor who also writes... Hamlet fanfic!

(Yes, the Prince of Denmark does have raven hair and emerald eyes. Why do you ask?)

There's another who specialises in Jane Austen-Tolkien crossovers... rewrites of Emma and Pride and Prejudice set in Minas Tirith.

[Morthoron]

Ah well, I know of one dreadful LotR Suethor who also writes... Hamlet fanfic!

(Yes, the Prince of Denmark does have raven hair and emerald eyes. Why do you ask?)

There's another who specialises in Jane Austen-Tolkien crossovers... rewrites of Emma and Pride and Prejudice set in Minas Tirith.

Alas! Then truly, there is nothing new under the sun! Or if I may quote Umberto Eco completely and utterly out of context (which is appropo for this pompously smirking venture):

The property of knowledge, as a divine thing, is that it is complete and has been defined since the beginning, in the perfection of the Word which expresses itself to itself...There is no progress, no revolution of ages, in the history of knowledge, but at most a continuous and sublime recapitulation.

Let us then recapitulate, my Mary-Sues, for we cannot hope to get any odder than what has come before us. We are standing on the shoulders of eccentric giants, who have, unfortunately, sunk neck deep in the tar pits. Be sure to wear your play clothes, and leave your Sunday-go-to-meeting best at home. This could get dirty.

*The Dark Elf puts on his wading boots and slogs off through the muck and mire*

[Nerwen]

My thought would be that our story does indeed coincide with the Fellowship of the Ring; however, we are given a quest, ostensibly because the Ring-bearers objective will fail utterly without our considerable assistance (when in actuality, either Elrond or Galadriel, having had enough of our angst, think up a plausible scenario to get us the hell out of town). So, we are sent as far away as possible, in another direction (east, towards Erebor or Rhun), where our whining characters might redeem their insufferable insipidity (or die, which might be the preferable, but unspoken, hope of the powers-that-be).

I like this idea very much... so let's think of an appropriate quest...

[Lindale]

I like this idea very much... so let's think of an appropriate quest...

How about the 'real' Ring is actually unwittingly in the jewelry box of our dearest Mary Sue? And that Mary Sue then has the 'real' quest, and somewhere down the road meets the Fellowship, or manages to get into the Councils of Elrond or the Wise?

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

I think it might be a bit more amusing for the Mary Sue to THINK she has the Real Ring, but doesn't. In actuality, it's one of those "other" rings of power that were mentioned but the fate of which we know nothing about. It probably gives Mary Sue some hitherto unknown abilities that will make her the perfect guardian for the Ringbearer (and the rest of the Fellowship), able to go one-on-one with any and all of the Nazgul, Elven ringbearers, wizard, and probably Sauron himself.

[Lindale]

Or how about she manages, by some weird fate (or "doom"), to create a perfect copy of the One Ring, or of the other elven rings? And she must show the childish girlish naivete in the grand style of those Suethors.

[Morthoron]

Elrond thinks us completely expendable (as well as annoying), so he sends us on a suicide mission with a false ring -- its properties give the appearance of the One Ring, like invisibility, but as Gandalf said, 'There are many magic rings in the world and none of them should be taken lightly'.

Thus, believing we have the One, we (the anti-fellowship) traipse off over the Misty Mountains and head eastward, get mixed up with Thranduil, then the dwarves of Erebor, and, passing to the Orocarni Mountains, we are to find the last sacred pool of Cuivienen to toss the Ring in (thus dissolving it in holy water)...

BUT!

We meet...THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!! Ummm...just kidding, actually, we meet...The BLUE WIZARDS, who are warring with each other in the East just as Gandalf and Saruman are in the West. Both Blue Wizards see the chance of using the pseudo-one ring to destroy the other, and we get mixed up in the whole mess.

Unwittingly, of course, we have steeled the hearts of both Thranduil and the dwarves (who had no intentions of fighting before we came), and we prevent the great legions of the Blue Wizard Alatar (the bad blue wizard of course) from marching into Rhun and then to Mirkwood at the behest of Sauron (because, naturally, there was another unaccounted for Palantir). Without the legions of Alatar, Sauron's armies are limited against Erebor, Dale and Mirkwood, and thus they are eventually defeated, and Rivendell and Eriador are not overrun.

There. How's that?

[mark12_30]

Verily I am stunned into silence.

[Morthoron]

Verily I am stunned into silence.

You're stunned? Just think how I feel, I had to write it!

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

But.... (it feels weird to be saying this) ....that almost sounds like too good a plot for a truly awful Sue. Where are the cute guys for the Sue to adore (or for the Stu to become bestest buddies with)? Okay, there's Thranduil, who is okay because he's Leggy's dad, but a bunch of dwarves and elves and wizards and men that nobody's ever heard of (well, they didn't make it into the movies, so they didn't really exist, did they???)... Oh, the horror, not enough of the Right People for the Sues to ogle or impress with their miraculous and splendiferous skills and beauty...!

(time to go scrape residual crud off the roof of my brain... ;))

[Oddwen]

Well, Alatar could have a daughter and Pallando a son, who of course are in love with each other...and since, ubiquitously, they've obviously been forbidden to even meet, though they regularly have secret midnight meetings a couple of times a fortnight, they could be easily swayed by any passing fancypants.

Or a tribe of Amazon-Sues are in the employ of one of the wizards. Of course, they must be dazzled by even the least of well-choreographed Suecraft.

[Morthoron]

But.... (it feels weird to be saying this) ....that almost sounds like too good a plot for a truly awful Sue. Where are the cute guys for the Sue to adore (or for the Stu to become bestest buddies with)? Okay, there's Thranduil, who is okay because he's Leggy's dad, but a bunch of dwarves and elves and wizards and men that nobody's ever heard of (well, they didn't make it into the movies, so they didn't really exist, did they???)... Oh, the horror, not enough of the Right People for the Sues to ogle or impress with their miraculous and splendiferous skills and beauty...!

(time to go scrape residual crud off the roof of my brain... ;))

You know, I had thought about that. Having personally written extensive fan-fic taking place in the far east of Middle-earth (and not a Mary-Sue character anywhere, mind you!), I considered the possibility that this plot might be too...ummm....credible. However, I had to weigh the readability factor of the piece, as well as take into consideration we the writers.

My concern is that if it is too idiotic, then it will quickly loose any cohesion and will not maintain any readership; likewise, if the writing isn't clever, how soon shall the contributors grow bored of the exercise? A farce or satire is only as good as its premise. If the story we write has an internal logic and a credible storyline, the abuses to canon and the distraught nature of the romances will be apparent but acceptable because a suspension of disbelief has hopefully occurred.

Anyone can mock bad Tolkien fan-fic (this thread is a testament to that), but most bad fan-fic is not readable after the first page. As soon as the first violet-eyed, silver-haired Elfess comes prancing out mourining the loss of her lover Legolas, the literate readers roll their eyes, laugh for a moment, copy pertinently abysmal passages, then post them elsewhere on threads like these for other posters to heap their derision on. I know, I've done it before.

Traveling eastward opens up some new dimensions of banality:

1. Falling in love with a Beorning and bearing his cub (great for the skinchanger crowd)

2. The tragic King Brand, who is to fall before Erebor. Who knew he had the sodomitical proclivities of Edward II?

3. Legolas' other brother Orophelas (or sister Thrandulasse?) is forbidden to leave Mirkwood (because, of course, one prince is all that can leave at a time). He/she might consider disobeying her/his tyrannical father (a la Luthien/Thingol) to go with her/his lover into great danger.

4. The Blue wizards are much more...ummm...passionate in an earthy sense than Saruman or Gandalf. Who knows? We can have a part 2 based on the son or daughter of the Blue Wizard trying to dominate the world after Sauron's fall.

5. Jesus Christ lives in Dorwinion (or perhaps its John the Baptist).

6. The Arkenstone is really a Silmaril (I got that from this forum), and with the combined force of the Silmaril and the Ring, one of the anti-Fellowship's power becomes too great and he/she betrays us and must be destroyed.

7. One of the characters in the anti-Fellowship is actually a Black Numenorean mole, and the son of the Mouth of Sauron, who has been sent to infiltrate and destroy the anti-Fellowship (stupidly mistaking us for the actual Fellowship).

*shrugs*

I don't know. Thoughts?

[Mithalwen]

Other than I think we should keep Jesus (and indeed his cousin) out of it .... some splendid ideas there

[Morthoron]

Other than I think we should keep Jesus (and indeed his cousin) out of it .... some splendid ideas there

Actually, I was joking; but I have seen Tolkien fan-fic so overtly religious that there were indeed churches and sacerdotal paraphernalia so profuse, one would think they were at the Vatican.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

One could probably leave him in as a rumored figure. That rather reminds me of some of the old sandal epics in which Jesus was never seen, but there were plenty of rumors. :)

Morthoron, I suspect I've seen some of your work -- very few fan writers even know of the existence of the Blue Wizards, and if they do, there is often little connection between them and any kind of Tolkienian reality. I agree that farce or parody is the only route to go, since I have a feeling that those discussing this project are either writers or readers of fanfic whose computers would slag if they attempted to write a "real" MS. :D

The idea of Legolas' siblings is so common in Suedom, it certainly deserves a nod -- as do siblings of Aragorn, descendants of the hobbits who went off on adventures and never returned, relatives of Gimli, the rejected or runaway daughter of Denethor... you get the idea. I can't imagine a "serious" Sue writer wanting to "abandon" their beloved characters -- since it's the love of a particular character (usually because of the actor who portrayed him) that gets a lot of their juices going (at least from what I've seen). But to go to the aid and rescue of their kith and kin (who can be imagined and portrayed in all manner of wonderfully gorgeous ways...!)... That I can see, since so many Sues are long-lost friends and relatives, anyway.

[Mithalwen]

Actually, I was joking; but I have seen Tolkien fan-fic so overtly religious that there were indeed churches and sacerdotal paraphernalia so profuse, one would think they were at the Vatican.

I thought you probably were but while I would hope not to regard myself as being particularly timorous I don't want to go there remotely. From experience can, open, worms everywhere so at the risk of seeming it have a sense of humour bypass I'll leave that rock right there and move some of the others..

[Morthoron]

Alright, enough of this maundering blather; it's time to commit our blathering to paper (in a cyber sense) and maunder indelicately through the fair fields of Eriador (or the mirk and mire of Rhovanion).

I've decided it's best to put our story (and its requisite commentary thread) in the mirth section, where our flippancy will be better accorded (after all, there's a perennial werewolf thread there already).

Any additions or comments 'ere we begin our hazardous trek?

[Lalaith]

Sorry I've been out of the loop on this.
I am loving the 'Go East' theme.
My own Sharpairien, and her camp chum Daemian, will be ready to roll characterwise soon. Of course, there will be half-sibling rivalry (we already have some other daughters of Elrond, don't we?). And campness.

I think we MUST have the Arken-Sil in there somewhere. Perhaps the pseudo-Ring is a kind of homing device to it? Like one of those things that locate your lost car-keys...
Oh and what about a lost tribe of Moriquendi, just boys, who haven't seen an elven-lass in, oh, Ages?

[Lalwendë]

I've just found this thread. :cool:

The first page was like browsing the Fantasy section in Waterstones. What does that signify?! :eek:

Mithalwen, please, please, please provide us with a pwinceth. ;)

[Morthoron]

I think we MUST have the Arken-Sil in there somewhere. Perhaps the pseudo-Ring is a kind of homing device to it? Like one of those things that locate your lost car-keys...
Oh and what about a lost tribe of Moriquendi, just boys, who haven't seen an elven-lass in, oh, Ages?

How about a working title, pompously rendered, such as:

The Ancillarion: Of the Silmarkenstone Conspiracy and the Incidental Fellowship -- Their Trials, Tribulations, Loves Lost and Found, and Their Salvation of Middle-earth (as utterly unlikely as that may seem)

P.S. I believe the story should start at the Painted Pony (because don't all fan-fics start in Bree?).

[Lalaith]

I have to confess that I very rarely read fan-fiction, so to limber up I had a quick scan of the Daughter of Sauron thing.
I love the following:
1. That mother and daughter spend 500 years living in cosy domesticity with Daddy Sauron, in the heart of Mordor.
2. That dear old Durthren or whatever her name is, is so sanguine about Daddy murdering Mummy. "he took care of her, she could never hate him.."
3. That Elrond is her grandfather. Why? How?

[Nerwen]

Of course, there will be half-sibling rivalry (we already have some other daughters of Elrond, don't we?)

Yes– Hiss! Spit!:mad:

How about a working title, pompously rendered, such as:

The Ancillarion: Of the Silmarkenstone Conspiracy and the Incidental Fellowship -- Their Trials, Tribulations, Loves Lost and Found, and Their Salvation of Middle-earth (as utterly unlikely as that may seem)

P.S. I believe the story should start at the Painted Pony (because don't all fan-fics start in Bree?).

We also need the obligatory scene in Rivendell where the Anti-Fellowship are sent on their perilous quest.

As well as having a mole in the Fellowship, how about them being hunted by a Tenth Nazgûl? They're quite popular with the more Gothically-inclined fanbrat.


I have to confess that I very rarely read fan-fiction, so to limber up I had a quick scan of the Daughter of Sauron thing.
I love the following:
1. That mother and daughter spend 500 years living in cosy domesticity with Daddy Sauron, in the heart of Mordor.
2. That dear old Durthren or whatever her name is, is so sanguine about Daddy murdering Mummy. "he took care of her, she could never hate him.."
3. That Elrond is her grandfather. Why? How?

That's nothing. There's one where Frodo is Galadriel's son... and there's a Ringwraith named Miguel... and the Mary Sue is a TV-obsessed American teenager who reforms Sauron through the power of lurv (he was just misunderstood, anyway– had an unhappy childhood).

I could go on... You won't believe the things these kids come up with.

Morthoron is right– we need a coherent plot, even at the risk of improving on our models. You can't write something more ridiculous than what already exists

[Lalwendë]

I have to confess that I very rarely read fan-fiction, so to limber up I had a quick scan of the Daughter of Sauron thing.
I love the following:
1. That mother and daughter spend 500 years living in cosy domesticity with Daddy Sauron, in the heart of Mordor.
2. That dear old Durthren or whatever her name is, is so sanguine about Daddy murdering Mummy. "he took care of her, she could never hate him.."
3. That Elrond is her grandfather. Why? How?

Is this true? Did someone really write that? :eek:

Incidentally, are you going to have a Fourth Age female wizard in this too? One who lives in the woods and looks for herbs to heal people with? ;)

[Lindale]

Is this true? Did someone really write that? :eek:

Yes dear somebody did write that. I posted a URL to that, if you want to be horrified more. :D


Incidentally, are you going to have a Fourth Age female wizard in this too? One who lives in the woods and looks for herbs to heal people with? ;)


Don't you think quasi-feminism will work too? I've seen enough fan fic to last me a lifetime now, and almost everything has a heroin, erm, heroine.

[Mithalwen]

Mithalwen, please, please, please provide us with a pwinceth. ;)

I don't think I could improve on...

Perhaps the pseudo-Ring is a kind of homing device to it? Like one of those things that locate your lost car-keys...

My mother had one of those. Everything used to set it off - clinking against the dashboard, my aunt's voice (albeit she works on a frequency largely audible to bats). It was horrific and drove us insane. As a result an "all keys will be hung on the hooks on the hall" policy was introduced. Yes it would be a gift to burglars but you don't get everything.

Actually with so many daughters of Elrond, I think my character will be more of a Hermione Granger type. Mousy but irritatingly clever. Her get out of being Mary Sue card will be that the famous relative is Erestor.... :p

[Morthoron]

Perhaps the pseudo-Ring is a kind of homing device to it? Like one of those things that locate your lost car-keys...

Well, yes, it should be like a mood ring, glowing brighter in proximity to the Silmarkenstone. *snickers* Perhaps it should actually be a mood ring, and the Silmarkenstone a pet rock, and everyone has been hoodwinked by an unscrupulous swindler (the same guy who wove the emperor's new clothes).

Never mind, just thinking out loud.

Actually with so many daughters of Elrond, I think my character will be more of a Hermione Granger type. Mousy but irritatingly clever. Her get out of being Mary Sue card will be that the famous relative is Erestor.... :p

Sounds great, Mith. I would like to see everyone with a highly individualized character. I mean, after all, we don't want to fall into stereotypes.:rolleyes:

[Durelin]

It seems to me you have collected more than enough fodder here to create a rival for 'The Downer'...something like 'The Middle-earth Inquirer'.

[Morthoron]

It seems to me you have collected more than enough fodder here to create a rival for 'The Downer'...something like 'The Middle-earth Inquirer'.

Naw, we don't wish to compete with poor Hookbill. A rival paper may just push him over the edge.

*Considers a moment*

Hmmm...he's already over the edge, so I guess a rival paper would push him back up the cliff....a retrocide, as it were.

Anyway, I will be posting an admin thread for our story later this eve (after work), so we can continue any discussion there.

[Morthoron]

I've started a discussion thread in the Mirth Section, found here:

http://forum.barrowdowns.com/showthread.php?p=566950#post566950

I don't really want to start on the story until this weekend, preferring to get some more ideas before we start.

So please, add your story comments over on that thread, unless of course you want to continue with the drinking game here (then by all means, continue with this thread).

Oh, and the actual story is here:

http://forum.barrowdowns.com//showthread.php?t=15053

(Make sure to bring along antacids, pain-relievers, or your favorite alcoholic beverage)