101 Things LOTR Characters Would Never Say

[ElanorGamgee]

Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry (singing in high-pitched voices): "We represent the lollypop kids, the lollypop kids, the lollypop kids..."

Billy Ferney (to Sam): "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little pony, Bill, too!"

[Nevfeniel]

Aragorn: Yay, my sword is fixed! *skips around waving sword around in circles* smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Samwise]

Boromir: *Hides behind a rock* "Orcs! Aahh! Hide me, I'm s-scared! "
"A fair jaw-cracker dwarf language must be! "
~Sam Gamgee

[Nevfeniel]

Isildur: Hey, Sauron! Can I have that pretty ring on your finger?
Sauron: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, whatever. *hands the ring over to Isildur**pause* d'oh!

Haldir (or any Lothlorien elf): Visitors! Yay!

Okay, this is all I can think of.

[non_conformist13]

frodo and sam at the edge of mt. doom:

frodo: you mean you don't have the ring?!

sam: no... i thought you had it!

frodo: you had it last! you LOST it!? We came all the way up here, and we don't even have the stinkin' ring!? I gave it too you! you were supposed to take care of it for me!

sam: i had it, but then i gave it to gandalf, to give back to you.

frodo: i saw gandalf giving something to merry, but i thought it was just my b-day present, you know, for later.

sam: oh, well, whatever merry had, he gave to pippin, cause he said his shoulders ached, and he didn't want to carry anything.

frodo: yes, but pippin dropped that box, and legolas picked it up for him!

sam: but legolas was always trading stuff with aragorn.

frodo: that's right! and aragorn never left anything behind!

sam: yeah, but then he went off for a break, and gimili carried everything of his.

frodo: and then boromir offered to hold the box...

frodo and sam: BOROMIR!

[non_conformist13]

durring one of aragorn and gandalf’s heart to heart guy talks:

aragorn: umm... Gandalf? I kinda' need to talk to you...

Gandalf: oh, sure, aragorn, you know you can tell me anything, right?

Aragorn: thanks gandalf, that means alot, but it's about girls...

gandalf: ohhhhh, say, this wouldn't happen to be anything about Arwen, would it? or maybe Eowyn?

aragorn: actually, no, they're both great and all, but this is a bit more serious than those too.

gandalf: what is it aragorn?

aragorn: i think i'm in love with rose!

gandalf: rose? sam's...ohhhh. he's gonna kill you man.

aragorn: i know, but... it's just, i really like her!

gandalf: son, listen to me, you don't want to get involved with hobbit women, if it's one thing i learned over the years, it's not to get involved with one of them, especially, if they are going with sam.


aragorn: you're right, you’re right! but what am I supposed to do?

Gandalf: I’ll tell you what, how about you and me, go out on the forest, later, when we get back to the Shire. we can talk, and you can forget all about her.

aragorn: you don’t think we could do it any sooner? i’m kinda’... not going back to the Shire with you guys.

Gandalf: what?

aragorn: neither is legolas, we both decided, you know, to go our separate ways, that’ s all. you know, he’s got that longing for the sea, and i’m gonna end up being king or something, so, it just wouldn’t work out, but i’ll be sure to visit!

gandalf: i can’t believe you’re just ditching me, us, like this! after all we’ve been through...

aragorn: that’s just it, all we’ve been through, when you go through stuff, you get to know people alot differently, and, don’t take this the wrong way, you’re still great, and all, but the hobbits, and that dwarf, they’re really getting on my nerves, i don’t think i could stand another day with those munchkins! i’m just sick of the whole thing, gandalf, you understand, don’t you? It’s nothing about you, or legolas, or any of the other guys, but i need stature, i need hight. all that looking down does a real number on my neck.

gandalf: whoe, so this is about race? i didn’t think you were like that, man. i’m so disappointed. you think you know someone, and then bam, he tells you he doesn’t like short people.

aragorn: yeah, so what? you didn’t like them either.

gandalf: i’ve...i’ve changed, i’m older, smarter now. i know better, besides, that was a long time ago, we were young, and stupid! it was just a dumb thing we did, can you just put that behind us, gosh, it was such a long time ago. before all of this...

aragorn: people don’t change that easily, gandalf, you know that, aren’t you just fooling yourself?

gandalf: no, i love them, they’re like family, what’s your problem man? and if you hate them so much, then how can you love rose? huh? you’re just confused. you don’t know what you want. if you want my opinion, i would pick eowyn. yeah, she might be cold, and bitter, but man, have you seen her? and she’s brave. man, that chicks got guts. she likes you aragorn, i’ve seen her looking.

aragorn: whatever man, you just like arwen.

gandalf: that’s so over, you know that.

aragorn: yeah, right, sorry man. well, i’m glad we got to talk.

gandalf: anytime man.

[Rosa Underhill]

Inspired by Belin's post.

(Gollum and Sam are fighting behind Frodo)
Frodo: Hey, hey! Don't make me come back there! I'll stop this journey and turn right back around if you two don't cut it out!
(Sam and Gollum start pouting and march sullenly and quietly behind Frodo.)

[Nevfeniel]

This is inspired by the movie Die Hard:
Boromir: I'm going to count to three. There will be no four. Give me the ring.

PS My picture doesn't work smilies/frown.gif
PPS Non_Conformist13, that post where Sam and Frodo lost the ring, that was genius! Couldn't stop laughing!

[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: Nevfeniel ]

[ElanorGamgee]

Gandalf (after Pippin drops a stone down the well in Moria): "That's alright, my lad; we learn from our mistakes. Let's have a group hug!"

*After hugging, the Fellowship sits in a big circle around the well, holding hands and singing "Kumbayah"*

[Birdland]

Rose: LOL! Good one!

("He started it!")

[Daecuiel the Elf]

SAURON TO SARUMON: Y'know, you stinky little name sounds too much like mine! When I get my body back, I'm gonne roast you and eat you, you smelly old man!

SARUMON: smilies/smile.gif smilies/biggrin.gif Joy! smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/smile.gif

~Elfy

[Samwise]

Welcome to the 'Downs, Daecuiel the Elf! You know, I always thought their names sounded too much alike, too; I thought it was a ME "bad guy" thing... smilies/confused.gif
"Safely!" said Sam. "All alone and without me to help you? I couldn't have a borne it, it'd been the death of me. "

[ April 23, 2002: Message edited by: Samwise ]

[ April 23, 2002: Message edited by: Samwise ]

[Samwise]

Back to the topic...
Barliman Butterbur:
Gandalf? Oh, yes, Mr. Underhill, I have a very important message for you from him; here, I have it written down so I wouldn't forget..."

"But I am going to Mordor."
"I know that well enough, Mr. Frodo. Of course you are. And I'm coming with you. "

[Samwise]

*A knock at the gate to Bree*
*Gatekeeper opens window and sees Nazgul* "Yes? State yer buisness.*
Nazgul leader: "Good evening, sir, we were wondering if we might gain enterance to your quaint little hamlet? "
*Random Nazgul* "Yes, and have you seen four Hobbits? Little fellows, cute fuzzy things, we were supposed to meet them here..."
Frodo crouching over his knees heard Sam muttering and groaning: "What a place! What a horrible place! Just let me out of this boat, and I'll never wet my toes in a puddle again, let alone a river! "

[Aosama, the Wandering Star]

Gandalf: hey cool! (throws rock in well)
Fellowhsip: GANDALF!!
Gandalf: heh heh. sorry.
Pippin: Fool of a Maia!
Gandalf: (bursts into tears) I want my mommy!
Boromir: Here's a hanky. It's okay, Gandy. C'mon, lets keep goin' on our lovely scenic walk through Moria!
Gandalf: *sniff* okay.
Fellowship: (walking arm-in-arm through Moria) zip a dee do dah, zip a dee day! my, oh my, what a wonderful day...

[Samwise]

LOL, Aosama! Hi an' welcome!
"Begging your pardon," said Sam, "I don't think you understand my master at all, "

[Aosama, the Wandering Star]

Rosie: I wanna divorce!
***
Saruman: (singing that song from the movie "Rush Hour"): I'm so into you, dialing if you want me to, give me a sign... you walk by every night, talking sweet and lookin' fine...
***
Elrond: Please let me come on your quest-thing!
Fellowship: I dunno...
Elrond: Pleeeeeeeezzzze!
Arwen: stop whining daddy!
***
Sauron: (blinking innocently) ring? what ring?

[Aosama, the Wandering Star]

the Gaffer: Sam, I love you son.
Sam: Go fend for yourself, fuzzy-feet!
the Gaffer: *sniff*
***
Rosie: We've got a new baby.
Sam: Let's call him Frodo.
Rosie: It's a her, ninnyhammer!
Sam: Frodo, what should we call... aw, forget it, lets just call her Jill.

[Jessica Jade]

Aragorn: "Look how valiant I am!"

smilies/biggrin.gif

[KingCarlton]

Aragorn to Gandalf the White : You must take me to that Laundromat.

Denethor to his servants : Keep the fire extinguishers handy.

Pippin : Forget breakfast, let me ride into battle with the winged black riders.

Eowyn : Oh goodie I get to stay home again and play with my robotech collection.

Boromir : One does not walk into Mordor, we take the super fast bullet carts.

Faramir : Screw you, Dad. I need some time by myself.

Gandalf to Frodo : Take the yellow brick road till you come to the three bears house. Here wear this wig and frock.

Elrond,( while Isildur tosses ring into doom) : Behold, Isildur’s sane !

[ April 24, 2002: Message edited by: KingCarlton ]

[Nevtalathiel]

ROTFL, everyone, and you inspired me Samwise

The ringwraiths *knocking on the gates of Bree*: Hello, we were wondering if you'd like to buy one of the quality products now available in the "Dark Lord" range, used by Sauron himself, we've got double glazing, fitted kitchens...

[Samwise]

LOL, Nevtalathiel! And thank you for reading! Never thought mine were all that funny, much less inspiring! smilies/wink.gif
"But Mr. Frodo, he knows he's got to find the Cracks of Doom, if he can. But he's afraid. Now it's come to the point, he's just plain terrified. That's what his trouble is. Of course, he's had a bit of schooling, so to speak--we all have--since we left home, or he'd be so terrified he'd just fling the Ring into the River and bolt. But he's still too frightened to start. And he isn't worrying about us, either: wether we'll go along with him or no. He knows we mean to. That's another thing that's bothering him. If he screws himself up to go, he'll want to go alone. Mark my words! We're going to have trouble when he comes back. For he'll screw himself up all right, sure as his name's Baggins. "

[Cassandra]

This is a good topic.

Elrond: Shove the ring in the cuboard for now, we'll deal with it after the game.

Frodo: Here gollum, you have the ring, Bilbo stole it off you first.

Gandalf: Forget the staff, give me a sword.

Legolas: I was thinking of dying my hair black.

Dream the impossible, because dreams do come true (Elijah Wood)

[Samwise]

LOL, Elanor!! smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif
"Whoa, Sam Gamgee!" he said aloud. "Your legs are too short, so use your head! Let's sse now! Boromir isn't lying, that's not his way; but he hasn't told us everything.
Something scared Mr. Frodo badly. He screwed himself up to the point, sudden. he made up his mind at last--to go. Where to--off east. Not without Sam! Yes, without even his Sam. That's hard--cruel hard! "

[Nevfeniel]

Legolas: You have my bow, give it back! Elrond, he stole my bow! *pouts in a corner*

[Nevfeniel]

Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my ax.
Merry: Hey! And you have my carrots! Give 'em back!

[Belethiriel]

Frodo:Gandalf, why do you always wear gray?
Gandalf:do not meddle in the affairs of Saruman, for he is subtle in putting his black socks into your whites.
-----

Legolas:ya know, Gimli, all this riding is hell on the hair.
Gimli:serously. i think i need a some lotion. the axe is soooo chafing
Legolas:i have some,here
Gimli:mmmm essense of valinor
----
Denethor:Faramir, im so happy to see you!Tell me everything about your first orc hunt! awwww, did you kill that yourself! how cute!
----
Frodo wearing a shirt that says: my uncle went all the way to Erebor and all i got was this shirt and a cursed ring.
----
both Merry and Pippin standing next to each other, wearing shirts that say: Im with stupid.
----
Aragorn:hmmm either an immortal elf who sits at home sewing, or a blond Rohirrim chick who killed a ringwraith. Choices
----
Gollum smilies/redface.gifk fine so you wont give me the ring and i cant kill you. (looking through pockets) ill give you, um, 5 bucks and a silmaril. o and a 10 dollar gift certificate to starbucks.
Frodo:throw in a fish and you have a deal
----
Celeborn:Galadriel, how come you have the ring and magical powers?i want something special.
Galadriel:shut up, everyone knows i wear the pants in this relationship
----
ok, my pitiful american mind cant think of anything better right now. chow

[Samwise]

Belethiriel, welcome! LOL, I really like that first one!!!!
~your friendly neighborhood gardener
"Coming, Mr. Frodo, coming!" called Sam, and flung himself from the bank, clutching at the departing boat. He missed it by a yard. With a cry and a splash he fell face downward into the deep swift water. Gurgling he went under, and the River closed over his curly head.

[Belethiriel]

3 rings for the elves who just wont die
7 for the dwarf lords who hate everyone
9 for the Mortal Men who have open flies
1 for the Dark Lord with his one eye
in the land of Mordor, where all eat pie
one ring to rule them all
one ring to find them
one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
in the land of Mordor where all eat pie

so kiss it, stupid elf smiths

[TheWindsorStar]

Eowyn: I love life!

Gollum: Flowerss, yess preciouss, we lovess flowerss, and sunshine!

Sam: Rosie Cotton?! Why on earth would I like her? She's a hard lookin' ticket, if I do say so myself.

Gandalf: My counsellor tells me I need to work on my communication skills.

Saruman: The first step is admitting you have a problem...

Legolas: Anybody got a pair of snow shoes I could use?

Gimli: Moria? What's so great about Moria?

Eowyn: Dammit Aragorn, stop hitting on me!

Treebeard: Don't worry, I'll just be a moment.

Luthien: I guess my father's right. I never really liked that Beren guy anyway...

Legolas: I hate boats, they make me seasick... Why won't those frickin' gulls shut up?!

Sauron: Wait a moment, I've got something in my eye...

Elrond: I payed the orcs to kill my wife.

Faramir: It reminds my of Numenor.
Eowyn: Numenor?
Faramir: Yeah, I saw I special on it on the Discovery Channel the other night.

Sauron: Dude, where's my ring?

That's all I can think of right now. smilies/tongue.gif

[Samwise]

Hullo, TheWindsorStar ! Welcome to the 'Downs, and to this goofy li'l thread.
(We have GOT to be WAY over 101...)
"Save me, Mr. Frodo!" gasped Sam. "I'm drownded! "

[Mr. Frodo]

LOL! These are great, they are so funny!

Sam: What the hell is in elf?

Frodo: I need a hug.
*a few million teenage girls fight to be the one who gives him a hug*
Legolas: I need a hug.
*teenage girls leave Frodo*

Eowyn: Ewww! Strider has cooties!

Frodo: So let me make sure I understand this, Elrond. You are going to send four of the most sheltered people in Middle Earth, who don't even know which end of the sword to hold, and one of whom's voice is still changing to do WHAT?!? No @#$%^&* way!

Pippin: (looking at feet) Maybe I should shave that.

Orc in Cirith Ungol: What the hell is wrong with his feet?

Hobbits tap dancing (Inside joke alert!)
An elf singing off key
A manly looking elf

Aragorn: I think I'll take a nice bubble bath and listen to my Enya CD.

Dernhelm: (PMSing) Nobody understands me! Where is my midol?!? *starts to cry*
Theoden: There's something wrong with that boy.

[non_conformist13]

saruman to sauron: are you feeling okay? your eye is a little red.

sauron: yeah, so i've killed, and destroyed, and terrorized people in middle earth for a long time, but does anyone care when i have a bad day? (giant flaming tears fall)

elves: (wearing T-shirts) "never underestimate the power of stupid people (Men) in large groups.

sauron: i'm thinking of getting my eyelid pierced.

gandalf: another grass stain? and in my white robe too! this will never come out! i guess they'll have to change my name to Gandalf the Slightly Greenish. drat.

aragorn to gandalf: and all this time, i thought that ring on your finger was of a wife that you never told anyone about!

bilbo flipping through his books: oh, paper cut!

[Birdland]

"Save me, Mr. Frodo!" gasped Sam. "I'm drownded! "

Samwise: your quote made me think of a good one:

Frodo: "For the last time Sam; you are NOT coming with me! (Wacks Sam over head with oar.) "Geez! Some people just can't take 'No' for an answer!"

[pippin_took0]

Aragorn, when he sees Eowyn: Arwen, Arwen, you're engaged to Arwen, think Arwen...

[Nevfeniel]

Sauron: Hm, should I get color contacts? smilies/eek.gif

[Belethiriel]

Sauron at the battle of the black gate:Wait!wait!eyelash!eyelash!
-----
Eowyn to Arwen:so, your immortal, huh?(shifty eyes)
-----
Gollum to the Ring:look, youre just too demanding. im dumping you, sorry.
-----
Feanor:that sucker morgoth, those silmarils are completaly plastic
-----
Beren:that song was great and all, but i actually like being dead
-----
Sam:so why did bilbo actually give you the ring?
Frodo:i think it stemmed from:hey, bilbo, if you replace the b's in your name with d's you get....
-----
this one was inspired by someone, im not sure who tho....
Merry to Aragorn:hey...Trotter,doesnt it suck being a hobbitt sometimes?
Aragorn:shut up
"If I hear 'not allowed' much oftener, im going to get angry" samwise

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Witch King to the other Nazguls: Come on you guys we're already so late.

Nazgul #4: Wait, I'm almost done. It's so hard being a Nazgul and all. Black just so isn't my color! I'm more of a pinkish you know?
*All other Nazguls agree, but one replies in a slightly gayish voice; "I hear you sista!"
*Nazguls pause* Then they get back to talking about how pink is more their color.

Witch King: Hey shut the f*** up u f***** pansies, we're f***** nazguls not f***** hobbits.

*Sam and Frodo walk by*
Frodo: Hey excuuuze me! Are you trying to imply that we're gay!

Sam: Yeah cuz we are so not! *Sam has his hand in Frodo's back pocket.

*Nazguls stare at them for a few moments* "You know what, black is more our color...."

Sorry, no offense to hobbits. I love hobbitses:-)

[Gimli Son Of Gloin]

Bilbo at his party; OK everyone, I have two rules at my party here. The first is no smoking pipes and the second is no drinking. Thank you.

[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: Gimli Son Of Gloin ]

[Nevfeniel]

This is inspired by a short story called The Necklace.
Frodo: Gandalf, I lost the ring.
Gandalf: What do you mean? You returned it.
Frodo: That was a replacement Sam and I bought.
Gandalf: But the ring I lent you was just paste!
Frodo: smilies/eek.gif smilies/mad.gif smilies/eek.gif

[serin]

Frodo: im not takin it you take it
Aragorn: what you takin bout frodo
Legolas: shut up short round smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Nazguls stop at Bree gate (this was inspired by one of the quotes above, sorry forgot the person's name):

Nazgul to Frodo: Hey,um excuse me, I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you, but you see, my boss, a rather uncharming grumpy eye who is very controlling, but also a splendid guy once you get to know him, but he has me and my other friends here with me,
(Nazguls wave and say hello)
well, he has us looking for this short little dude with a ring that is supposedly his, and he wants us to get the...um.... little person and bring him back to him...and see,

Frodo: Are you almost done, I get what your saying. You want to know if I've seen this "little dude", by the way, we're hobbits, and you want us to tell you where this hobbit is am I right?

Nazgul: Oh yes, that would be most helpful!

Frodo: Oh yeah, I'm sorry, he....died.. yeah he was in a terrible..uh...pillow fighting contest...yeah, he got savagedly beat in the head. Poor ol' guy, a good friend of mine too!

Nazgul: *emotional* Oh, oh I'm really very sorry. That's so awful. Yeah, I once knew this wight who was killed by a flying boar. Hard for me too, he was a beloved friend of mine. Well, um I guess you wouldn't happen to know where this ring is would you?

Frodo: No, sorry I don't.

Nazgul: Ok, well I'll just have to go back and tell the master that I couldn't find it. Yeah, he won't be too happy, but what can I do......pillow fight *fighting back a tear*, oh it sounds brutal, very sad. Ok, well gooday to you sir hobbit and I'm sorry about your friend.

Frodo: Ok thank you very much Nazgul dude, good luck with the whole dead thing. It must be hard to keep warm and stuff.

Nazgul: Oh thank you, yeah and my fingers keep decaying too, but nothing much. Toodles!

Frodo: *thinking to himself*. Wow, They live for thousands of years and you'd think they would only get smarter...

[Nevfeniel]

Ha! That's a good one, Lothiriel Silmarien! Poor Frodo, a pillow-fighting contest. Sam must be really depressed. smilies/frown.gif

[NyteSky]

Sauron: Lord of the Rings? Who wants that? It is so passe. From now on I'm Lord of the Earrings! Or maybe noserings...

Saruman: Have you hugged a tree today?

Elrond at Council: Frodo! Raise your hand and wait to be called on!

Goblins: Welcome to Moria! Visit historic Balin's tomb or enjoy our excellent restaurant, Durin's Diner. Stop at the gift shop on your way out and don't forget to tip the Balrog!

I could keep going but i don't want to be shunned for the rest of my life. smilies/wink.gif Ha, there are some hilarious ones up here, "Sam: "Workers everywhere, UNITE!" (ElanorGamgee) Lol!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Thanks Nevfeniel smilies/smile.gif Finally someone read one of my quote thingys!!!! Yeah, Sam would be all depressed and stuff. Sam will have to find someone else and he definetly won't be happy about that! lol

[Kyela_Frodo]

This is somthing I could not imagine Frodo say to Sam:

Frodo: Sam, you can`t have Rosy! Shes mine! God damn Rosy`s butt is so sexy! smilies/tongue.gif

[Celebmundoiel]

Legolas: I'm every do gorgeous.

In Bilbos house:

Gandalf: Bilbo you still have the ring
Bilbo: Oh yes
Bilbo turns and runs while yelling "sucker"

[Aosama, the Wandering Star]

Inspired by the "Pillow Fight" sorry, forgot posters name, me bad smilies/frown.gif hope this post makes up for it!
(Setting: Battle of Pelennor Fields, Eowyn's just done her whole "But no living man am I!" speech, but she hasn't killed any winged steeds of evil. yet.)
Merry(taps Witch-King on the back): Um, excuse me, dude, but your flying horse.. skinny bird.. thing.. is really scaring my friends, so, um, y'know, if you could just...
Witch-King: Just what? Just move? Just get out of your way? That's all anyone ever says to me! Not even Sauron or the other Nazgul appreciate me! *bursts into tears* Nazgul have feelings to y'know! I feel... so alone, so unwanted! I'm just doin' my job, y'know? And all these people trying to kill me and all? *turns to Merry* y'know what I mean?
Merry(sympathetically): I'm so sorry, man, I just had no idea... (puts arm around Witch-King) But it'll be okay, right? You'll make some friends, right?
Witch-King: *sniff* do you know of any singles bar that allows me through the door without screamin' or tryin' to kill me?
Merry: Well, I'm always here for you!
Audience: Aww!
Witch-King (wipes eyes): Thanks hobbit dude!
Eowyn (throws down sword in disgust): Ugh! How am I supposed to kill anybody with these two sentimental schmucks in the way? *turns around, starts walking* I'm gonna go play with my Barbies! This is no fun anymore!
Merry: Uh, Eowyn, Rohan is that way (points in opposite direction)
Eowyn: ARGH! (turns around, goes in other direction). I'm telling my Uncle!

[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: Aosama, the Wandering Star ]

[Nevtalathiel]

Aosama, the Wandering Star, you've inspired me:
Setting: as above post
Merry, tapping the Witch-King on the back: Do you mind moving you're winged steed, you've double parked and i can't get my horse out!

[Nevfeniel]

With this post, I make the replies on this thread 300.
Now, onto business!
Galadriel and/or Eowyn: No, I'm not a natural blonde! I'm so ashamed for tricking you, Celeborn/Faramir (whichever the case may be)

[Birdland]

(In honor of listening to Gang of Four on a Saturday afternoon smilies/smile.gif

Girls of Gondor to Pippin - "I love a Hobbit in a Uniform!"

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Good post Aosama. I don't care if you borrowed a little from my idea, I'm just happy that I inspired someone....*sniff*,wow I'm corny! oh well, but now I'm gonna think of more quotes cuz I'm bored and I like doing this.

[Lanniae of the Axe]

"All that is gold DOES glitter.
All those who wander ARE lost...."
*ouch, that was bad* smilies/eek.gif

Frodo: Gee, this whole Ring-detroying business is sure fun! Golly, we should do this more often, huh? Wee! smilies/biggrin.gif

Legolas: I wish I were a Dwarf. smilies/rolleyes.gif

Gimli: I wish I were an Elf. smilies/rolleyes.gif

Arwen: Hey, whoa, call me a grave-digger, but dang! Mr. Gandalf is SEXAAAAY! :P

Aragorn: Sure, Eowyn, forget Arwen, you're absolutely gorgeous. Let's get married. And while I'm at it, here Eomer, have Narsil.

Boromir: Keep that silly ring, Frodo, Boromir son of Denethor will not be tempted! smilies/smile.gif

Galadriel: Ha, ha, Legolas! Even Gimli agrees I'm prettier than you! :P

And the one thing that a LOTR character would NEVER say:

Elrond: "Men. Men are weak." smilies/mad.gif

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Aragorn: What are you lot laughing about?
Pippin: Oh nothing......Trotter! A hahaha!
Aragorn: Right, I've had it up to here with these Trotter remarks. Trotter was a hobbit and the original idea for the one who guided you lot to Rivendell. I, Aragorn son of Arathorn, have always been called so, and no 'History of the LOTR' is going to change that. Ok?
Pippin: Ok, chill big guy....
Aragorn: Not until you admit that I'm right, I'm right, aren't I.......MARMADUKE! A hahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Merry: Oh my God! He found out! I'm a laughing stock!
Frodo: It's OK Merry, things turned out fine for us two in the end. Though, I too have nightmares about the name of....BINGO!

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Legolas: I'm out of lembas. Pass me the cram Gimli
Gimli: No, no, it's OK Legolas. Here, you take my lembas and I'll have the cram.
Aragorn: Yes Legolas, I can spare you some lembas too. Gimli and I will take the cram.
Legolas: Look, I can handle it OK?
Gimli: No Legolas, an Elf must have his lembas...
Legolas: Oh, I see! Elves aren't tough enough to live on cram eh?
Aragorn: No Legolas, that's not what we meant at all........well....I suppose.....oh whatever, you're right. Gimli and I think Elves are too prissy to eat good, hard, road food like cram.
Legolas: A Elbereth! Gilthoniel! If you two want to make snide remarks about my race then just spit it out why don't you!
Gimli: Listen here you ponce! Aragorn and I are the backbone of this mission and we'll be dead before we see an Elf try and rough us up!
Legolas: Why I oughtta....
Merry/Pippin: Oh blessed hunters! You've found...
Gimli: Be quiet you dratted hobbits, can't you see we're in the middle of something?
Merry: Well! I see someone doesn't care about our near-death experience. Come on Pip, we're going back to Fangorn.
Legolas: Wait hobbits, I'm coming with you. I do not wish to be with these two barbarians any longer.
Pippin: Oh leave us alone you lanky nuisance. Go back to Mirkwood and strum on a harp.
Legolas: Why does everyone hate me!?
Gandalf: I was gonna keep quiet Legolas but....
Legolas: Mercy!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

lol, good one Eomer!

[Nevfeniel]

Pippin: Oh leave us alone you lanky nuisance. Go back to Mirkwood and strum on a harp. smilies/eek.gif Pippin is so mean!

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

I love this thread, it will go on forever.

Pippin: I'm not your clown! *bursts into tears*

Gandalf: Pippin has feelings?

Galadriel: Mirror, mirror, on the water...

Faramir: I'm Slim Shady! Yes I'm the real Shady!
Frodo: Excuse me?
Faramir: Oh...uh...nothing

Denethor: My dog's got no nose, how does he smell?

Elrond: Bloody in-laws, think they know everything...

Elrohir: Screw this, I can get a bigger part in Harry Potter

Aragorn: Come on guys, I mean...I'm the King! I just click my fingers and the girls drop to their knees!

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Arwen: And she said, he said, she said "No way!"
Eowyn: oooh! REALLY?
Arwen: Uh-huh! I was all like "Wow"
Eowyn: Totally! She is, like, sooo selfish!
Arwen: Uh-huh! But I put that hussy in her place
Eowyn: Oh you go girlfriend! Say, can Aragorn REALLY do that?
Arwen: Oh you know!
Eowyn: Now that's what I'm talking about!
Elrond: Keep the noise down girls, I'm trying to sleep! *dratted sleepovers*

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Lothiriel: Eomer, honey, do you still think Arwen's hotter than me?

Eowyn: Faramir, darling, do you still think Arwen's hotter than me?

Rose: Sam, dear, do you still think Arwen's hotter than me?

Legolas: Y'know Gimli, you get hotter chicks than Arwen in Mirkwood. Oh yeah!

[pippin_took0]

Legolas: Hey, Aragorn, you wanna borrow my shampoo?
Aragorn: Do I ever!

[Kyela_Frodo]

LOL grat once here!!!

Some of mine:

Frodo: Sam, I`m glad your with me.
Sam: *smiling* wisphering to him self 'Damn you Aragorn! Just because you are a Big folk kind does not mean that you can make me go with Frodo and be killed on the road to Mordor....

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[Elenna]

Legolas: You know, being pretty isn't everything.

Gimli: Dwarf chicks are sooo much hotter

Gimli: Taking another man's wife is wrong

Saruman: I am going to retire and donate all my money to Greenpeace.

Eowyn: Actually, I am in love with Wormtongue, Faramir.

Aragorn: I sew my own banners.

Aragorn: Hmmm, OK Eomer. Screw the Paths of the Dead. Lets go hunt some Orc!

[Kyela_Frodo]

and one more smilies/biggrin.gif
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[Vinyaampawen]

This thread is hilarious!

By the way Eomer, not to be picky but Arwen lives in Rivendell, not Mirkwood. Legolas came from Mirkwood but Arwen is Elrond's daughter and lives at home with her Daddy and Mommy.

smilies/cool.gif

[silverpunk]

The one thing ANY LotR character would ever say (thank God)--Waszzup!?! smilies/evil.gif

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Hey what's up my friends, I'm back for another post. Yes, yet another. And right now I'm listening to Hero,the song for the spiderman soundtrack-which by the way, Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott are singing it.And what is that u say....? Is Chad a member of Nickelback?!! Well why in fact, yes he is!!!! He's that gorgeous, hot, good-looking singer dude, and he has such an awesome voice!! Ok I'll shut-up about them now and I'll just get to the post. Sorry, but I had to do that! smilies/smile.gif

(inspired by A Night at the Roxbury)
*at the council of Elrond*
Pippin: Hey Merry, is that a mirror in your pocket?

Merry: Bad one Pippin, I heard that.

Pippin: Damn!....Hey Aragorn, is that a..

Aragorn: Heard that from Arwen already, and obviously that pick-up line worked.

Pippin:....ok..uh, Hey Frodo is that a mirror..

Frodo: In my pocket? Sorry Pippin, I know that too.

Pippin: Damn you people! Ooh! Sam, hey is that a mirror in your pocket?

Sam:....what? why?

Pippin: Cuz I can see myself in your pants!....Ok, yeah that would work better if I said that to a girl, perhaps.

Sam: Yeah, but that's a good one. I'll use that on Rosie, maybe she'll go for it!

Elrond: Excuse me Pippin and Sam...this is a council meeting about very important matters going on, not some joke session! The Dark Lord is trying to take over the world and we have to figure out how to destroy him!! *Elrond walks over to Pippin and looks at the back of his shirt*

Pippin: What are you doing?

Elrond: Checking your label, just as I thought....made in heaven!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Ahh, nothing like good corny lines...ok yeah a little too corny, but still.

[Tarthang]

Manwe: Ok, who forgot to pay the electric bill this time?

Morgoth: Stop the violence!

Merry & Pippin: Take a stand!

Feanor to Morgoth: Quite all right ol' chap, no real harm done, all is forgiven.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Vinyaampawen

I never said Arwen lived in Mirkwood! I just said that Legolas thinks that there's hotter Elves than Arwen and these said hot elves happen to live in Mirkwood, which is where Legolas would see hot elves, being from Mirkwood and all.

Arwen does live with her Daddy but her Mommy's gone

back to the point....

Aragorn: They were once men.....but one quick call to New Beginnings.....

(that's a bit obscure, I know)

Pippin: I was thinking dreadlocks....

Frodo: Sometimes I look in the mirror and think 'Damn, I'll never be able to kiss that gorgeous face'

Celeborn: Let's order a Chinese

Gandalf: Sometimes I....I get so...so afraid

Gollum: Hey Everybody! Sssssurf's up!

[Vinyaampawen]

Aragorn: But Arwen is the hottest elf in Middle Earth! No other elf holds a candle to her.

Gandalf: "Hottest elf"! Is this the way you are to speak of your betrothed? Anyway have you checked out the Visgoths lately? They are pretty hold stuff too!

Legolas: Well Aragorn...I think you should visit the Visgoths while I pay a visit to Arwen. Don't you believe in "sharesies"? Arwen has a "thing" for me. After all, I have been around longer.

Aragorn: Well, o.k. I will check out the Visgoths...but don't bring anymore whipped cream to Arwen and you can forget about using ours when you go visit Arwen. Anyway...Arwen is starting to like honey spread all over her body. Try that!

Legolas: Hey Bud! Thanks for the heads up! smilies/smile.gif

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

lol, that's a really good one!

[Oandanel]

Legolas: Okay, who farted? Gandalf? Don't be shy.

Boromir: Legolas, Legolas, let down your hair, that I may climb the golden stair!
Legolas (looking down from the tower): Eew! Go kiss an orc! You ain't getting your filthy hands of my pretty elfie hair!

Elrond (in balcony, singing in a tenor voice with one hand on his chest and the other in front of him): A drrream is a wish yourrrr hearrrt makes...

[Frodo Baggins]

I have one

Bilbo or Frodo to the Sackville-Bagginses: Oh no really! Stay for tea! I insist!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

At Aragorn's bachelor party-

Aragorn: Ok, guys, I can't do anything bad, I'm getting married.

Eomer: Oh, yeah well Aragorn that's too bad. I'm getting married too and you don't see me whining! Enjoy the last few hours of your single life! FREEEEEDOMMM.

Aragorn: *looks at Eomer strangely* Yeah.....ok I guess your right anyway.

Faramir: Bring out the whipped cream!!!!!

*The boys are having a most splendid evening, Faramir spreading the whipped cream over the ladies and Eomer and Aragorn licking it off. Frodo and Merry are dancing on a table, and Pippin is getting drunk and spilling his beer over everyone while singing a groovy tune. Gandalf is off parading around in his fanciful robes with Legolas swinging around his hair like a headbanger. Gimli is having his beard braided while judging a wet shirt contest, and Sam.....wait, where is Sam?!!!

*The big cake comes rolling out, while Pippin is leading everyone into a drunken rendition of "Happy Birthday". They seem to be singing it very well, but Pippin is too drunk and forgets most of the words and throws everyone off. But they don't seem to mind, all they want is their cake!!*

Aragorn: Oh yeah baby, let me make my wish!

*Aragorn is just about to joyfully settle down to have his cake, while Sam comes bursting out of the cake! He startles everyone, including Aragorn who screams like a little girl*

Sam: Haaahaaaaaa, Happy Birthday big boy! Did I scare you????

Aragorn: No, I uh.....I uh just um wasn't expecting you to pop out.

Sam: *who is pretty drunk by the way* Well, don't worry mister birthday man I'm saving my birthday dance for Mister Frodo's birthday...hehe mister Frodo, I'm gonna suuuurpriiiiiise you!!!

Aragorn: Hey, uh Sam? It isn't my birthday. And you just spoiled your "surprise" that you were gonna do for Frodo's birthday...

Sam: Damn! I knew something was wrong. Oh, well....Mister Frodo, be surrrrpriiiised, oops. Sssshhhh, don't say anything, it's a surprise!!

Frodo: Ok, this is scaring me. Is Sam more drunk than Pippin???!!!!

Pippin: *who says in a drunk voice, so it's kinda hard to hear what he's saying* No way!!! NO one gets drunkerer than ME!!

Aragorn: Whatever people, let's have my cake!

*everyone screams along* YEEEEEEEAAAAAAH!!!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

I had to end it in some way.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Very funny. I know he died but this is hardly wanting accuracy; was Boromir getting down at that party? He always seemed like he would be life of the party to me. Well, apart from Merry and Pippin.

If I can add on....

Faramir: Well look over here, it's Boromir!

Aragorn: Hey man! You shoulda been here earlier.

Boromir: You're gonna forgive me when you see what I've got. Come on girls! (brings out a host Lothlorien babes)

Eomer: Elf chicks! Now that's what I'm talking about!

Boromir: And that's not all, I brought my Andrew WK cd.

(puts on CD)

Pippin: Yeah, lesh get a parry sarted !!!!!!!

Gandalf: Andrew WK! Oh yeah! Party over here!

Frodo: Come on guys, we're not all as wasted as you. Faramir! If you MUST do that with those Elven girls then please do it upstairs! Merry, put those pants back on...

Merry: You're kiddin' Mr.Frodo! EVERYBODY GET NAKED!

Arwen: Oh my Gosh Aragorn! What is going on here? Where are you Aragorn!?

Gimli: He's right over there sweety, with that Rohan chick

Aragorn: Arwen! Honey! I can explain!

Arwen: This marriage is off!

Aragorn: Come on! I was drunk! Doesn't that count for anything anymore?

(relative quiet)

Boromir: You scratched MY cd?

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

That was hilarious! I liked that very much and it's a good extension. Yeah, now that I think of it, Boromir does seem like he'd be the life of the party. Too bad he died, he would definetly have gotten that party going. And the Andrew WK cd is so Boromir. Anything heavy metal and hard rock I would agree with smilies/biggrin.gif

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Ooh, kudos to you your from Scotland! I love anything that has to do with Scotland, so I had to point that out. Most likely I did already, but oh well.

[avarerniliel]

LOL, those are so funny! So much for keeping it clean though...!! smilies/wink.gif

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

I know the guy who started said keep it clean but it has degenerated (sorry!)

What can I say about Andrew WK? The guy is the choice of Boromir AND Gandalf!

Party hard Middle Earth!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Very true, I forgot about Gandalf-imagine seeing Gandalf at one of those concerts though? Swinging around his long hair and throwing people into mosh pits. Yeah Gandalf!! lol, but for keeping it clean.....ok come on, that's just really hard. there's only so much jokes you can make and keep clean. I tried to keep it as clean as I could cuz I don't wanna get in trouble or something, but atleast I didn't curse!!! Sorry though, I don't wanna seem like I'm inconsiderate or something. I'll try and remember that next time I post something up smilies/smile.gif

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Sam: I hope communism kicks in soon

Orcs: We like short shorts!

Denethor: Lighten up eh?

Aragorn: Another 100 miles? I really need some ice cream!

I was wondering if this is the longest running thread? Really, to keep the comedy of such high quality this number of posts is exceptional.

Well done!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

I think it is the longest running thread. I mean it does have 9 pages!!! The most other than this was like 5 pages. I atleast think so, but someone else may know for certain. And that post about the orcs reminds me of the shaving cream commercial. Skintimate......or not. Ok, maybe it's just me though!
You know what would be funny though! Orcs doing Riverdance!!! They'd be doing the flips and everything. That would be twisted...orcs on crack. lol, that would be funny too! An orc thats high....hey, do you know what makes string string....? And then they go to battle but charge at people with the hilts of their swords instead of the pointed knife edge. Ok, again maybe it's just me that would find this hilarious to see! this is by far my favorite thread smilies/smile.gif smilies/smile.gif

Orc fighting in battle: *says to the enemy he's fighting*- Hey, you gotta smoke?

Man: Yeah sure, need a light?

*some demented, misshaped form of an orc flys by

Orc: Yeah that'd be great. *lights up cigarette* Oh yeah, the good stuff....Hey, maybe after he war, you know, we could hang out or something, kill an extra couple of stray animals, people, whatever...

Man: Yeah, that sounds great but I think I have to try to kill you first. You know, it's what we're supposed to be doing I think.

*a severed arm flies by and nearly misses the orcs head*

Orc: Oh yeah, right, right. Sorry if I kill you though, just so I say this now because, well I won't be able to if your dead!

*they both laugh that corny tv fake laugh, but a flying razor frisbee thing flies by and slices the orc's head off. The head then falls to the ground and rolls over to the man's feet*

Man: Guess I was the one who should have said that!! *he laughs that stupid laugh, but an arrow shoots right through him, and he falls to the floor*

Hope that wasn't too stupid.

[ElanorGamgee]

Éowyn (in the Houses of Healing): "Oh, my head hurts so much! I think I'll faint. Please, someone bring the smelling salts! Ohh, my back! Will you bring me another blanket, nurse? I'm absolutely freezing. Oh, I don't think I'll get out of bed in a month. I might even die."
*starts to cry*

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity!

Aragorn: What happened?

Gandalf: Peregrin here dropped a stone in the well, not thinking about our danger and possibly putting us in a lot of trouble

Aragorn: Oh Pippin! Why'd ya go and do that hey?

Pippin: Gee, I'm sorry guys...

Aragorn: Oh! Well! If he's sorry then eh chaps? I suppose, while your at it, you might as well go and just...SURRENDER... us to the Orcs eh? I guess you could just go and do that eh?

Frodo: Come on Strider, he knows he made a mistake, let him go

Aragorn: No, no, no, no, no, no. Is that just me? Am I the only one who has a problem with this.....amateur? Is that it?

Gandalf: Bloody hell Aragorn! Even I can see that the lad's sorry....

Pippin: When did you start speaking like a woman Aragorn?

Aragorn: Oh! Oh my GAWD! Please someone tell me he did not just say that!

Merry: Not really a woman, more like a 14 year old girl....

Aragorn: Oooooh! I could just explode! Listen here Merry....

Balrog: Uh...guys? You're kinda running a bit late. Can we move on from here?

Gandalf: Right, sorry man

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

That's a good one! Poor Pippin smilies/frown.gif The Balrog made them hurry cuz he probably has an appointment to get his nails done. Hey, a Balrog's gotta do what a Balrog's gotta do! That's probably not the reason but oh well.

Sauron: *on the phone with the Nazgul next door*- Hmm, hey Nazgul #9.

Nazgul: Hey Sauron, what's up? You sound depressed.

Sauron: Yeah well....oh nevermind.

Nazgul: No what Sauron, you know you can tell me anything. I'm always here for you.

Sauron: Thanks man, that really touches me. Well.....it's just

Nazgul: Yeah, what is it Sauron....

Sauron: I'm just lonely. Nobody likes me, my followers have all gone to war and left me, and I'm just this eye......a lonely eye with no one to turn to.

Nazgul: Oh Sauron, don't fret. If you want I can be there in a quicky quicky half hour or so.

Sauron: No, no that's ok #9. You don't have to.

Nazgul: No come on I want to....I insist.

Sauron: No, really you don't have to.

Nazgul: Oh come on, we can play scrabble!

Sauron: weeeell....

Nazgul: And then we can bake some cookies!

Sauron: Well, ok ok.

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

The secret love story of Sauron and Saruman:

*Sauron and Saruman are just connecting with the palantir. It's the usual time when they get in touch with each other.*

Saruman looks into his palantir, hoping to catch Sauron when he's not looking....

Sauron: Saruman! I told you don't do that! I could be not at my best....you know I have to get ready!

Saruman: Yeah, I know that's what I was hoping for...

Sauron: Saruman, your so bad!

Saruman: Sauron, how dd it go....does he know yet?

Sauron: Sshh, Saruman, no I didn't tell him yet. Keep it quiet, I don't want him knowing yet.

Saruman: Sauron! You gotta tell him! This can't go on any longer like this.

Sauron: I know, I know. It's just not the right time yet, you know. He's a very sensitive one, I can't just flat out tell him about us. He'll be too hurt. And I don't want him doing anything rash.

Saruman: You know you gotta tell him though. You can't keep putting it off like this. Tell him! Come on, tell him now!

Sauron: No, I will, wait I...

Nazgul #9: Sauron....what are you doing? Who are you talking to?

Saruman: Is he there?? Was that him?

Sauron: Shh, hold on...Yes Nazgy?

'Nazgy': Sauron, what are you doing, are you coming soon?

Sauron: I'll be there in a minute booboo. Hold on, I just gotta....um, I just gotta

'Nazgy': Is that Saruman your talking to?!

Sauron: No, it's uh....

'Nazgy': Ooh! Let me talk to him, I gotta tell him something.

Sauron: Wait, but

'Nazgy': Hey Saruman, what's up.

Saruman: Listen, I gotta tell you something.

Sauron: No don't wait!

Saruman: No...#9 listen. Me and Sauron...we...we've been seeing each other for quite a while. And we're pretty serious and all, you know.

Nazgul: What!? Sauron, is this true!???

Sauron: Wait, Nazgy hunny, I ment to tell you, I really did!

Nazgul: No, no just save it Sauron....we're through!

Sauron: Wait, but!!! Saruman, how could you!

Saruman: Oh Sauron, you knew it had to be done, I just told him first that's all. Sauron....I love you...

Sauron: What....you do?

Saruman: Yes, I do.

Sauron: Saruman I.....

*Next, on The Dead and the Useless......*

[Elenya]

My sister gave this one to me. Has anyone seen The Others, that Nicole Kidman flick? Well anyhoo:

Elrond: Where is my daughter?
Legolas: I am your daughter.

I know, it's not that funny, but can't you just picture it?

[Gorothlammothiel]

Sorry to have to bring this up but Elenya your comment reminded me very much of an earlier one and this is even more of a sight to see

Gandalf: He told me you killed him.....

Balrog: No Gandalf, I am your father

Once again i do apologise, but just had to put that down smilies/frown.gif

[Aosama, the Wandering Star]

Gimli (drags Troll off Pippin): Whoa, dude, that troll guy just dropped on top of you! I was so worried!
Pippin(moans): oooh... that was weird... but... I'm okay!
Audience: Hurray!
Gimli(puts Pippins arm around his shoulder): That's great, dude! Let's go get you all fixed up!
Pippin: Thanks man!
Gimli: Hey, guess what dude? We won!
Pippin: Gimme five!
(Gimli 'gives five')
Gimli: you know what this means, don't you?
Pippin: Oh, yeah!
Gimli and Pippin(singing): We are the champions my friends... we'll keep on fightin' til the end... we are the champions, we are the champions... no time for losers, 'cause we are the champions...
Arwen: HEY! Don't sing that song! It's by Queen! And I'm the only queen! The Once and Future Queen!
[Pippin and Gimli exchange glances, shrug]
Pippin and Gimli smilies/biggrin.gifon't dis us, Arwen! Because... (singing) We are.. we are.. the youth of the Na-a-tion...
Arwen: Argh!

[Sindacuion]

Arwen - Does this come in black? Blue is SO not my colour..
Bilbo - Quest? What quest? Nah. I think I'll live here in Bag End happily ever after.
Eowyn - Who cares about Aragorn! There's always Gimli!
Fatty Bolger - What? Steak? No thanks. I'm on a diet. Could you hand me the salad dressing?
Pippin - Oi, Merry! Stop teasing that Gandalf and give me another another back rub!
Arwen to Eowyn - Don't even go there, girlfriend!
Gandalf - Ring schminz, let's have a cup of tea and discuss my personal matters.
smilies/biggrin.gif

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Pippin: I want my ale
Gandalf: I want my smoke
Sauron: I want my ring
Frodo: I want my MTV

Frodo: Your crazy, I would NEVER sing along to Nickelback (oh sorry, that should be in the thread 'Things they would say')

Orc: When I grow up, I wanna be a Nazgul!

Witch-King of Angmar: Oooh, my scones are ready!

The Barrow-Wight to Frodo: I have my own Middle Earth website y'know...

Gandalf: Barrowdowns.com isn't all its cracked up to be

Treebeard: When I finish my coke, I just throw the can away, don't you?

Prince Imrahil: Wait a minute, your marrying my daughter? How old am I? (ok, thats irrelevant, but I wanna know how old Imrahil is)

Eomer: Lothiriel, sweety, how does your dad look so young? I gotta pay a visit to his salon

Arwen: Sometimes I just wanted to get more....involved, y'know?

Gandalf: Butterbur you forgetful nuisance! I'm getting a mobile

Sam: I stand by my opinion that Lenin was superior to Stalin, with regards to ideals, AND effective politics
Pippin: No way! Lenin was weak! Stalin had the iron that was needed to run the country

Gandalf: N Sync
Aragorn: No
Gandalf: I'm telling you N Sync rock harder than the Backstreet Boys
Aragorn: You're kidding! Backstreet boys are way cuter anyway..

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Those were funny, except I don't know what you meant by the Nickelback comment, but I hope it wasn't bad!! I'm a little stupid today, sorry. Guess I tripped over the damn cat too many times. lol, Aragorn listening to Backstreet Boys.......my worst nightmare.
Ok, I thought of another thing. I just thought of it because of that comment. When Gandalf is on the bridge of Khazad-dum, he and the Balrog start dancing to Nsync, Bye Bye Bye. And instead of "You shall not pass", it would be bye bye bye. And since they'd be singing to Nsync, they fall off because such bad music couldn't be tolerated, and the bridge broke. And that's why they lost Gandalf-because of his bad taste in music. Ok, not so good, but I tried.

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Hey people, we really need to start posting more comments, ok. There is a topic in novices and newcomers and it has something like 326 comments.....we can't let them beat us!!!! Even though we still do have more, they will catch up! And plus, I like reading all the funny things you people say.

[ May 19, 2002: Message edited by: Lothiriel Silmarien ]

[ArwenBaggins]

Frodo: Come one! Come All! Evil Creatures wanting the Ring, Here It Is! I'm Starting the bid at $20.00!"

[Daniel Telcontar]

Gandalf: No Frodo, do not tempt me!! I do not wish the Ri... No wait, on the other hand, I think it would be safe here with me. Just be a good little hobbit and hand it over. (Hehehe smilies/evil.gif)

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Frodo is way too cool to listen to Nickelback.

And no way will any thread ever beat this one.

Aragorn: Stop! Stop the Battle! We are needed at barrowdowns.com

Witch King: How come?

Aragorn: The thread 'Things LotR characters would never say' needs more posts!

Witch King: Oh, uh, ok, how about this - Eowyn would NEVER say 'Just bring it Witch King you filthy little tart!'

Eowyn: That's true

Aragorn: Yeah, thats the idea! Get posting guys!

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

ok so that one was REAL cheap, but it was still funny in a corny sort of way

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Corny is funny.
And I'm not gonna get started on what you said about Nickelback.....but Frodo is cool, you weren't lying there. Actually I think Frodo is too cool to listen to the gaystreet boys and nstink. No offense to the people who like them, sorry. And Britney too, he would never listen to her either. Just in my opinion, so please don't bite my head off people! Now I gotta think of something....oh ok, got something. Although it may not be all that good.

*In Moria*
Gandalf is hurrying the company toward the Bridge.

Gandalf: Frodo, hurry up! The Balrog is coming!

Frodo: Wait Gandalf, I can't leave without him!

Gandalf: Frodo you must!

Frodo: No!!! He's been by my side this whole time, I can't leave him now.

Gandalf: Forget it Frodo you must come!

Sam: Don't worry Mr. Frodo I'm here!

Frodo: No Sam, my Ken doll! I left my Ken doll back there!

*The fellowship safely passes through Moria*

Gandalf: I wonder why that Balrog never came to get us...

Balrog: Get your hands off my Ken doll orc!!

Orc: I found him first!

Balrog: Want me to burn you damn head off?!! Didn't think so.

[Aosama, the Wandering Star]

Elrond sits down on his pouffy couch in Rivendell, glad to relax now that that pesky Fellowship is gone. I mean, really. Legolas trying all his hiar care products, and Boromir and Aragorn fighting over Arwen... it can really wear you out.
*turns on T.V.*
"Today, on Fashion Spy..."
Elrond: My favourite show!
"...you will be seeing the Fashion Greats, and the Fashion Mistakes."
*Elrond is aborbsed.*
"Here is today's Fashion Greats. We planted a secret camera at the Council of Elrond to get the footage you see here."
*Elrond sits straight up*
Elrond: That's my council! I'm on T.V.! They think I'm a fashion great!
"If you look to the corner, you'll see him. His blond hair is perfectly balanced by his silver robes..."
*Announcer blahs on and on about how great this guy is, Elrond acts very smug, convinced its him*
"And the name of our Fashion Great is..."
Elrond: Me! It's me! Elrond!
"...Legolas!"
*Elrond too shocked to do anything.Just sits there gaping.*
"Now, on his opposite is our fashion mistake. Those robes are totally second age, and I think I can still see battle smears from the Last Alliance!.."
*Announcer blahs on and on about how bad this guy is. then:*
"...and this poor unfortunate soul's name is... Elrond!"
*Elrond bursts into tears*
Elrond: Nooot faair! I'm w-w-way prettier than L-l-legolas! I'm gonna take a ba-a-ath!
*retreats sniffing to his bathroom, where we can soon hear him talking to his rubber ducky and singing.*
Elrond: ducky, everyone's so mean to me! *sniff*
Ducky: quack squeak.
Elrond: You really think so?
Ducky: squeak squeakity quack.
Elrond: Oh, me too! Let's elope! I'm so over Celebrian!
Ducky: Cluck squeak quackity.

"Next week on the Desperate and Deranged..."
p.s.: I do not in anyway mean offence to Elrond. Elrond is cool. This is stuff they'd NEVER say, remember?

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

lol, quack squeak quack.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Aragorn: Hasta la Vista....baby

Gimli: If ya smeeeeeeellllll what the Dwarf is cookin'!

Arwen: Don't call me babe

Galadriel: Call me babe

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Inspired by gangsta films;


Gandalf: I'm gonna beat you so bad!

Saruman: What?

Gandalf: I'm a beat you so bad!

Saruman: What?

Gandalf: .....you get the point.

Saruman: Mmm Hmm, I got your point!

(scuffle breaks out)

Eowyn: Ooooh! Come on now, back it up G

Saruman: Yeah, you know I got'chu

Eowyn: Ooooh! Listen here now, you better step right out of his face !

Gandalf: Yeah that's right sucka!

Wormtongue: Oh come on now, what? You call him a sucka? Them's fighting words!

Gandalf: Damn straight! If you got the fortitude, you meet me here next week, after I take out that punk Sauron!

Aragorn: I do hate to interrupt but must we really act so barbaric? I'm royalty don't you know...

Saruman: Back up white boy

Aragorn: Excuse me?

Saruman: Uh...nevermind, looky here. I take both you suckas out RIGHT NOW! Anyone got a problem wit that?

Frodo: Uh, guys, I lost the ring

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Frodo: Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows!

Sam: Oh, I hate this place!

Frodo: Oh come on Sam! Cheer up! We'll be home before you know it

Sam: But you heard what Mr Gandalf said Frodo, we're likely to die while doing this task. Oh the humanity!

Frodo: No Sam, look ahead! We're almost there, you'll see!

Sam: I don't wanna

Frodo: Well Sam, if you're going to be grouchy then you can just wait here until I get back and we'll walk home then ok?

Sam: Really?

Frodo: I don't want you to do something you don't want to.

Sam: Oh Mr Frodo! Thank you sir! (runs away in glee)

Sam: Oh that lad!

*days later*

Gollum: Yesss precious, finally we gets it back don't we?

Frodo: Oh! Gollum, you scared me!

Gollum: Oh but we mustn't be scared in this land mustn't we precious? Yessss, must be cheerful and look ahead, yes, yess!

Frodo: Can the sweet talk Gollum, I've heard you speaking to Faramir's men and it's nothing like that

Gollum: Look, I was bored ok? It became a habit

Frodo: So what now?

Gollum: Ah, just get rid of the Ring, I don't care for it. You know the whole story was made up by Gandalf and Saruman to fool Sauron don't you?

Frodo: Yeah, pretty obvious really, who were G and Elrond trying to kid eh?

Gollum: Ha ha ha! Indeed!

Frodo: Well, so long Gollum

Gollum: Yeah, later Frodo. Hey, I'll give you a call when you get back ok? Come round to my place for some dinner. Bring Sam too, nice chap.

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Eomer, good gansta one, lol. But add some of the girls like,

Arwen: Girl, you betta watch it. That's my man, you know what I'm sayin?

Eowyn: Naw aw, I'm gon get him if I want you hear me?

Arwen: Mmm, no you did not! No you didn't. Oh no, girl you betta watch it ya hear me?

Something like that I guess. I can't end it I'm too lazy now, lol.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Galadriel: Oooh that's right, I'm talking DOWN TOWN! You hearing me?

[Nevfeniel]

Galadriel *on cell phone*- Celeborn! Can you hear me? Oh, stupid phone. Celeborn! Listen! I'm running out of minutes, so pay attention! We're having guests over for dinner so make some extra lembas while I do the shopping! Okay? Did you hear me? Did you- uh oh, tunnel! *connection dies* Ooh, I hope he heard me. . .

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Boromir: But Daddy! You got Faramir a new ball! I wanna comic book!

[Olo Gamwich]

I am amazed at how many people have posted here...
smilies/eek.gif smilies/eek.gif smilies/eek.gif

[miss_sam-wise_sam_gamgee]

ok it is REALLY late and i am not thinking really well so I only have on... Soryy if it has already been used I only went throught the first page so far

Treebeard: " Come On You Ents, You guy s are moving to slow..... HURRY UP!!

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Wow, ten pages

Faramir: Am I clever? Come on! I mean, Gandalf was basically my tutor...

Elrond: Y'know, when it comes down to it, you really have to admire Sauron, the guy's accomplished so much

[Xeno]

Frodo to Gollum (at mount doom) - "Oh... so it's all about this ring... I didn't quite get that, here you go, have fun."

[Kyela_Frodo]

Saruman: We must join with him, Obi-Wan, we must join with Dooku...

Gandalf: pssst... it`s Gandalf and it`s not Dooku...

Saruman: Damn... That`s true... well I have two jobs, it`s hard to think Lord of the Rings as one film and Star Wars as another...

Gandalf: ye ye...

[Oandanel]

Gandalf: Fly, you fools!
Aragorn (flaps his arms): We're trying!

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Haldir: The Hobbits shall stay here with us tonight, we do not fear them!

Pippin: What's that supposed to mean?

Haldir: Ha ha! I was just saying that...

Pippin: No, no, it seems like your saying that YOU'RE harder than US! Isn't that it?

Haldir: Look, I didn't mean anything by it

Merry: Lets see if you fear the Hobbits now!

( Merry and Pippin attack Elves )

Pippin: Yeah! One for the Shire!

Frodo: What the....you guys just killed 3 Elves!

Merry: Yeah, they insulted us

Legolas: Uh...guys, the entire army of Lorien is coming to get you

Frodo: Screw this! I'm putting on the Ring!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

That just reminded me of one.

*The hobbits just arrive in Bree*

Frodo: Well, everyone seems nice so far here.

Merry: Yeah they sure...

*someone comes by and pats Merry on the head*

Merry: I HATE when people do that!

Pippin: Oh they're just trying to be nice Merry.

*another person comes by and pats Pipin on the head*

Pippin: Ok, NOW they're gonna pay!!

Sam: Oh no! Fight later you guys we gotta hide, hurry up!!!! The Black Riders are coming!!

*The hobbits all scramble to a hiding place but they don't get there fast enough. The Black Riders jump off the horses and pat them on the head. Then they head over to the Prancing Pony to get a pint.*

Nazgul: Awww, aren't they cute.

Nazgul #2: Yeah, they're so small! I could just fit them in my robe!

[Hírilamara]

These are great! I need to think of some. *thinking hard*

[Melkor]

Sauron: you will have to excuse me I have something in my eye.
Gandalf: Your right Pipin Why didnt I think Of that.
Aragorn: What...sorry I am a little hard of hearing.
Nazgule: how is my hair?
Saurumon: Looks Like a good day for a long walk in the woods.
Samwise: Look an ollephont, I thought it would be bigger.


What you would hear Radegast(sp) say: There is a war on?

[ May 27, 2002: Message edited by: Melkor ]

[GreatWarg]

Here's a good one:

Saruman: Join with him, Gandalf, and we could rule Middle-earth with wisdom!

Gandalf: Erm... are you talking about the Dark Side or Sauron?

Saruman: ...

(They both suddenly cast off their outer robes, revealing Jedi robes underneath. With one fluid movement, they both produce liightsabers and ignite them)

Gandalf: (igniting his green lightsaber) Gee, Qui-Gon was such a nice fellow. At least I got to keep his lightsaber...

Saruman: (igniting his red lightsaber) Join the Dark Side and we can rule over Middle-earth! Or... we could take the One Ring too.

Peter Jackson: CUT! This isn't Star Wars! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?! Follow the script! No where does it say to 'Join the Dark Side!'

[Legolas'sLover]

* Warning: I don't know entirely what I'm doing*

Elrond: and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii will always love uuuuuuuuuu...


For those not smiling, I'm sorry smilies/frown.gif

[Legolas'sLover]

* Caution: I still am unaware if this is funny or not...SO DON'T CRITICIZE ME!!!!

Legolas:Imagine me and you....

Gimli:..I do,I think about you day and night...

Legolas:...it's only right to think about the girl you love and hold her tight...

Gandalf and Aragorn: So happy together!!!

Gimli:...if i should call you up, invest a dime...

* Aragorn and Gandalf echoing in unison in the background *

Legolas:... and you say you belong to me, i'd lose my mind...

Gimli:... imagine how the world could be...

Legolas:...so very fine...

Aragorn and Gandalf:So happy together!!!

Legolas and Gimli(holding and hands):I can't see me loving no body but you for my life!!!When your with me baby the skies will be blue for all my life!!!( a little softer now) Me and you, and you and me. No matter how they toss the dice, it had to be, the only one for me is you, and you for me...

Gandalf and Aragorn: So happy together!!!

Legolas and Gimli( now fralicking off, still holding hands mind you): I can't see me loving no body but for my life!!!When your with me baby the skies will be blue for all my life!!!ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba baa...

Gandalf TO Aragorn: God! they're just so beautiful!(tear)


yeah... welllllllll...uuummmmmm....

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Songs eh? How about this...

Fellowship: S CLUB!

Gimli: There aint no party like an S Club party!

Fellowship: Gonna show you how!

Boromir: Shake ya body from side to side

Fellowship: S CLUB!

Frodo: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH YEEEEEAH!!!


or.......

Wormtongue: I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here, I don't belong here.

Saruman: Yeah, great song

Wormtongue: Eh? Song? I'm just speaking to myself...

or....

Theoden: WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU - ROCK YOU!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Legolas's Lover I love that! lol. Ok, if it's songs:

Sauron: And I waaaant, to rip his eyes out, just for looking at you. And I want, to rip his heart out, yes I do!!!

Had to be atleast one Nickelback, don't say anything Eomer! I know your against them...

[Catherine]

Nazgul one(whispers to Nazgul 2): Isn't Frodo A HOTTIE?!?!?!?!?!
Nazgul two:Ummmmmm.......Like......no, but if you think he is hot you should ask him out!!! Maybe he will say YES!!!!!

Nazgul one: I'll go for it.

Nazgul three:didn't we have to um like get something from him?

Nazgul four:like who cares

Nazgul six:he reminds me of *****in CATZ

*(Nazgul walks up to Frodo)*

Frodo: Sup?

Nazgul one: Um.......like....(long pause)....
do you wanna.....like......go out wit...me?!?!?!?!

Frodo: YOU ONE CRAZY MO FO TO GO ASKIN ME SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I am the hottest one of the Fellowship.

Legolas:Frodo you are so wrong, I AM THE HOTTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*(Nazgul runs away cring)*

Pippin: Oh My God you guys are like so mean.

*(Gimli runs after the Nazgul and you see them riding on the horse together and as they bothlook up they see Orli's hot *** glistening in the moonlight.

[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: Catherine ]

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Too many likes Barfy. And Orli's *************, lol. Mmmmmm...... Wait I meant HOT ************************************************** ******************. See you in school and you spelt *****in wrong by the way. And I'm the B. Catz!!!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

They *** that out didn't they. Oh well....lol. LOLLLLLLLOLOOLOLOL)(OLOLOLOLOLOLOLO(LOLOLOL

[Catherine]

Did anyone like my story thingy smilies/smile.gif

[Catherine]

This is a short and stupid one-

Merry:Hey Pippin!

Pippin:What?

Merry:Wanna get drunk?

Pippin:Na, I am not in the mood!!!!

[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: Catherine ]

[Catherine]

People can you please rate my stories so if I have to I will improve them smilies/wink.gif

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

I'm only rating cuz I wanna see my picture. Very good Catherine cuz Pippin would never say that. Very creative name how did you get it?!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Pippin: I don't like beer

[Catherine]

I know my name is creative but i can not tell you how i got it ok!!!! lol smilies/wink.gif

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Pippin: I don't like beer or wine

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Pippin: Get me a Bacardi Breezer.

Hey, this is gonna sound real amateur but how do i get a little picture beside my name?

Theoden: No Eowyn, you are not riding to Minas Tirith!

Eowyn: Oh! It doesn't matter. ER's on tonight

Aragorn: Hey, I love that show. Maybe I could stay and watch it with you?

Eowyn: Ooooh! Well Mr.Aragorn, I'd just LOVE your company (winks)

Aragorn: Oh yeah! (winks back)

Merry: Wow, this is going to have a huge effect on the battle. I guess its time for Meriadoc to step up to the mantle.

(a few days later)

Merry: Well, I was a bit worried when the Nazgul's vulture swallowed me but....well! you know the rest!

Eomer: All hail Meriadoc, the King of Gondor!

Aragorn (aside to Sam): Y'know, that was MY place, but sometimes, you just gotta score, y'know what I mean?

Eowyn: And I unusually got a bit of cheer! Oh well, at least the good side won in the end, and nothing changed too much

Faramir: I can't help but feel I'm missing something

[Birdland]

Gandalf - "Hey Frodo! Watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat!"

Frodo - "But that trick never works!"

Gandalf - "This time for sure! Presto!

(Pulls out Balrog. ROAAAAAR!!)

Hmmmmm. Maybe I should get another hat?"

(With love to Rocky and Bullwinkle smilies/biggrin.gif )

[Gimli Son Of Gloin]

Gimli-I vote for Cardas Gladhorn, I'm scared of the dark.

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

lol, I liked all your posts! Eomer, especially about Faramir missing something....
And if you want a picture near your name, it doesn't sound amateur don't worry, but you have to find one you wanna put up there first, get that web address, then go to my profile up at the top of the page by.....by whatever it's next to, and click the edit thing, and then type in the web address next to the line that says where to put it.

I know that's not much help but sometimes I'm really bad at explaining stuff right. Hope it does help though.

[Catherine]

(at the cracks of doom)

Frodo:Hey this place is very welcoming and roomy, we should vacation here sometime.

Sam:I agree the darkness gives it a nice touch.

Frodo:Let's invite all our friends and have a huge party.

Sam:Sounds great!!!!!

[Catherine]

Hello people can you rate my posts? Thank you. smilies/wink.gif

[Aosama, the Wandering Star]

(In Lorien)
Sam and Frodo are whispering...
Sam: Frodo?
Frodo: What is it, Sam?
Sam:Have you read the script?
Frodo: No. Why?
Sam: Well, I did a while ago, back in Moria to see how we should react to Gandy's dying (giggles) dying? dying? dye-ing? Don't you get it?!? (at Frodo's confusion, Sam gives up the joke) oh well. I read the script, and I think we're supposed to be doin' sumthing in Lorien now.
Frodo: In the dead of night?
Sam: Um.. yeah.
Frodo: That's very suspcious of you, Sam-
Sam(very angry): Why does everyone always accuse me of stuff?!? I dare you to check the script! I'm right! (folds arms and sticks nose in the air).
Frodo: Dare? No Baggins ever stepped down from a dare!
(they check script)
Frodo: Well, gee, Sam, I guess you were right. So, I'm supposed to look into a birdbath and see some weird stuff and talk to the big-haired elf lady?
Sam: Galadriel.
Frodo: Whatever. You're supposed to come too, so let's get going.
(they enter clearing to find Galadriel humming to herself as she lies, up to her neck in suds, in the Mirror of Galadriel. She is shaving her legs when she notices the hobbits)
Galadriel: Hey! Do you pervs mind?!?
Frodo: Hey, sorry.
Sam(whining): you were supposed to show us some wonky stuff in your mirror!
Frodo(aside to Sam): You think she's in any postion to do that now?
Galadriel: Aw, get outta here.
(Frodo and Sam leave. As they leave...)
Galadriel(muttering): stupid hobbits... they are a virus... I'll get my own back... in the place of the Dark Lord they'll set up a Queen... that'll be me...
Sam(aside to Frodo): Do you think they're something weird about the big-haired elf lady?
Frodo: Too many special effects can do that to you.

[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: Aosama, the Wandering Star ]

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Getting a little picture sounds like hassle. Thanks anyway Lothiriel, you are always praising my posts, you're like my biggest fan! I'm gonna have to say something nice about you sometime.

Gimli: Then what are we waiting for? Destroy it!

(Gimli smashes Ring with axe and destroys it)

Elrond: Uh...I knew that would work


Frodo: Gollum, this is Sting. You have felt it before, do not try anything funny.

Gollum: Don't hurts us please, nice hobbitses! Yess!

Frodo: What do you want Gollum?

Gollum: We wants our Bon Jovi CD back, yes, yess!

Frodo: Oh right, sorry about that. It's at Bag End, just let yourself in

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Thanks Eomer, I feel nice now!!! Well, I like your posts a lot anyway, so that's why I say all that stuff smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif And you don't have to say anything nice to me, (that chance will most likely never come, lol. Yeah, my posts are never that good. Some are about Nickelback, and I get in trouble for those ones....*remembers bad experience with the other post the Barrow-wight had said not to talk about*) AHHH< the time!!!! It's too late, I gotta be doing my damn homework now, nooooooooooooooooooo! I'll be on later guys, bye for now! smilies/biggrin.gif

[Catherine]

Frodo:You know what Gandalf I don't want to be apart of this whole ring thing!!!

Gandalf:You better take this "job" because if you don't i will stab you with my pointy hat. I just go a new one yesterday, I ordered it on-line.

Sam:Go ahead and kill him I will take the ring.

Frodo:Hey Sam what side are you on?

Sam:My own side. Hey, is there anything wrong with wanting the rings powers?!? Opps I wasn't suppose to say that!!!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

No one has been responding for a while! Come on people, keep the thread alive!!!! Ok, since I had to bring it up, I'll try to think of something:

*Aragorn rallies up the armies, as they prepare to fight at Helm's Deep*

Aragorn: Come on you guys, it's time!

Eomer: It's time.....the time has come already?!

Aragorn: Yes....the time has come.....

*all the guys come together and form a straight line. Everyone sings together*:

We're men.......we're men in tight TIGHT tights, we steal from the rich and give to the poor that's RIGHT! We maaaay look like sissy's, but watch what you say or else, we'll punch out your lights! We're men, men in tight TIGHT tights......

[ June 02, 2002: Message edited by: Lothiriel Silmarien ]

[ElanorGamgee]

Sam: "Um, Rosie, will ya marry me?"

Rosie: "Oh, Sam, I'm so sorry, but I love someone else..."

Sam: "Augh! No! It's Pippin, isn't it? I never trusted that wooly-pated little twerp!"

Rosie: "Pip? No way!"

Sam: "Then it's Merry! Don't tell me you'd take up with a drunk like him!"

Rosie: "No, it's not Merry..."

Sam: "Then it's Frodo! Didn't know you liked older men. Don't you know he's over the hill already?"

Rosie: "Not Frodo..."

Sam: "Stop messing with my mind! Who is it? Not old Bilbo?"

Rosie: "Bilbo? Are you kidding me? I love...Smeágol."

*Gollum crawls out from behind some bushes*

Gollum: "We loves Rosie, yesss, precious. We is much better than the nasssty, cross, cruel Hobbit."

Sam: "What?!? Oh, come on. This has to be a joke. I thought we got rid of this little creep back in Mount Doom!"

Gollum: "Nassty Hobitses doesn't lose us that easily, no, precious."

*Frodo, Pippin, and Merry stroll up*

Frodo: "Hey, Smeág, long time, no see. Gimmie five, bud!"

*Frodo and Gollum high-five*

Sam: "This creep stole my girlfriend!"

Pippin: "Way to go, Slinker! So, when's the wedding?"

Gollum: "Next Saturday, precious. All nassty Hobbitses invited, even the cross one. We has fissh at the reception. RSVP."

Frodo: "I'll have to give you one of my toasters as a gift."

Sam: "I can't believe this! No one cares about me! I'm the hero's best friend, for crying out loud!"

Pippin: "Aw, shut up and look for a new girlfriend. I don't think Widow Rumble is dating anyone..."

Sam: "That's it, I've had enough!"

*Sam stomps away and sulks in his garden*

[MallornLeaf]

Gandalf to the mouth of Sauron: You would do well to join us, for you have no hope.
Mouth of Sauron: Yeah, you're right. lemme just go give the boss my two-weeks notice.

Frodo to Smeagol: Listen to me, you! when I catch you, I'm going to take your eyeballs out and stuff them down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you!

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Aragorn: I'd give up the chance to be King for a nice, long soak in a hot-tub

Elrond: Ooooh! Cherry ice cream, my favourite!

Pippin: No Treebeard! You can't mix polyurethene with polyglyzocine! Think of the environment.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Sauron: (On the destruction of the One Ring)

Not fair!

[Catherine]

Frodo and Boromir gather around the ring as it falls to the ground. As they both reach for it Bill comes running up and eats it.

Frodo and Boromir smilies/frown.gifScreaming)NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Boromir:We will just have to wait thill the ring comes out again, if ya know waht I mean and whoever gets it first keeps it. Deal?

Frodo:Sure sounds great!! smilies/wink.gif

[Nevfeniel]

Sauron *looking at the palatir*- What the...
*he sees Saruman doing a commercial*
Saruman- If I'm Saruman of Many Colors, I want my many colors to look their best. That's why I use Tide. It's safe on colors! *cheesy grin*

[ElanorGamgee]

*Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin are roughing it through the Wild*

Aragorn: "Guys, you're walking too fast! I'm worn out. Let's have a rest."

Frodo: "But Strider, we rested ten minutes ago! At this rate we'll never reach Rivendell!"

Pippin: "Yes, according to my calculations, at our present rate we will reach Elrond's lodgings at precisely 5:00 pm two hundred and twenty days from now."

Aragorn: *pouts* "I don't care. I'm not walking any farther for at least half an hour." *crashes on the grass and starts snoring*

Merry: *stares at map* "According to the map and Sam's travel log, we camped at this precise location a month ago!"

Sam: "You must be joking. Even Strider isn't that bad a guide!"

Aragorn: *sits up* "Well, you guys keep going on and on about rings, so I thought we'd travel in one to go along with the theme. Surprise!"

*the Hobbits start at him with gaping mouths*

Frodo: "You mean to tell me that we've been traveling in a circle for the past thirty days?!?" *lunges at Aragorn, but Pippin and Merry hold him back*

Sam: "Let go of Mr. Frodo!" *jumps on Pippin's back and pulls on his hair*

*Hobbits fight among themselves until they hear Aragorn wailing*

Merry: "Stop crying, you big baby!"

Aragorn: "I just wanted to help and you guys yelled at me!" *blows nose and sniffles*

Frodo: "Ok, ok, we forgive you. Now lets get going or we'll never reach Rivendell!"

Aragorn: "You expect me to walk in my condition? I need at least an hour to calm my poor nerves!"

*Hobbits sigh and have an early second breakfast*

[Brinniel]

Arwen: Aragorn, dear, I really don't think our relationship is working out. Honestly, how do you expect me to memorize all those names you have for yourself?

Legolas: Daddy, don't make me join the fellowship on their journey! It sounds too scary!

Eowyn: Aaahh! A Nazgul! Help me!

Aragorn: Why rescue Merry and Pippin? Let's just go straight to Minas Tirith. They were annoying little hobbits anyway.

Ugluk: Ah, don't worry little halfing. I won't let anything happen to you. You're too cute to torture.

Sam: I hate elves! They're hideous and way too snobby.

Sauron: Oh Well, I never really wanted that ring after all.

Galadriel: Screw this whole passing the test thing! Give me the ring now!

Gimli: Eww! Hair? You give Merry and Pippin silver belts, but you give me a couple strands of your hair? I deserve more than that!

Nazgul: I'm tired of running around Middle-earth looking for that stupid ring. Why don't get some sleep instead?

Boromir: Who said that I wanted the ring? Destroy it! Quickly!

Gandalf to the Balrog: Alright, I'll let you pass this one time. Just promise you won't hurt any of my friends across the bridge.

Frodo: The Sackville-Baggins are so nice and fun to be around! I can't wait to see them again!

[MallornLeaf]

Saruman to Gandalf: you must join with me, Obi Wan, together we will destroy the sith!
Gandalf: tell me, my dear friend, when did Saruman the wise forsake reason for madness? dost though not see? it is I! Gandalf! I think I should get you to a doctor!

Sam: Gollum is so cool! I love the way he smells! he's so nice to master frodo!

Gandalf: good, pippin, good dog! sit... sit boy, sit! good dog!

[Alakwilaiel]

Arwen to Elrond: " Oi pops, I hope you snuff it!" (If anyone but a Britisher or someone who has heard or read that phrase before knows what it means)

[ June 15, 2002: Message edited by: Alakwilaiel ]

[Catherine]

This is hard because you really really have to think about what your are going to write to write something good!! smilies/wink.gif

[AragornsHeir]

Legosa-"I hate you" Hence Kalasins Rant

[Cyborg8844]

Frodo:Here you go Nazgul, I give you this ring to take to Sauron so he can rule all of Middle-earth.

Gimli:Oh well, I never liked him anyways.(Mines of Moria)

smilies/eek.gif smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Thulorongil]

Aragorn smilies/frown.gifin council of Elrond during Boromir's speech) *cough*loser*cough*

Galadriel smilies/frown.gifas the Fellowship leaves Lothlorien) *holds up her hand in a farewell gesture and spreads her index and middle finger away from her ring and pinky in a V-shape* (star trek? jeez u people)

Arwen smilies/frown.gifwhat she WOULD say to the ringwraiths) Now lets see here, first we have to deal with your whole "black creepy guy look"...

Gandalf's hat smilies/frown.gifat the gate of Moria) Griffindor!

(i spend too much time with my harry potter-loving friends)

[Thulorongil]

Ok, whoops! every time i tried to type a : and then parenthesis, i didnt put a space. so they all turned out as sad faces. whoops!

[Lady_Galadriel]

Ents: Trees? I thought you said those were bees!!
okay not so funny but hey!

[Nevfeniel]

Hey! What's the betting that this one's already been done? smilies/biggrin.gif
Éowyn- Feminism? Pfft! I just want to stay home and work on my needlepoint. I definitely don't want to go out into a battle. I might muss up my hair or break a nail. Besides, a woman's place is at home, especially in the kitchen. When the man comes home, he's supposed to have a meal ready for him, or else her duty has failed.

[ July 15, 2002: Message edited by: Nevfeniel ]

[Gorothlammothiel]

I don't think i could add anything even remotely funny to this board, you are all very amusing

[Elessar,Elfstone]

Faramir:What?This arrow that's poisoned me?No,it doesn't hurt one bit!

Frodo:You mean that Sauron has sent out all of his orcs,sent out the nine ringswraiths and put silent watchers in his fortress,just so he can get his hands on this little peice of round gold?What a loser!Han't he got better things to do?

Gandalf:Ooh goodie-we've got a plantir...hey wait!This is a real glass marble!

Pippin:Why did Gandalf change his colour to white?He could have at least used a cood colour,like pink. smilies/tongue.gif

[Brinniel]

Sam: Ooh! Yay! A boat ride!

Pippin: Merry, do I eat too much? My pants have been feeling a little too tight lately and I was just wondering.

Eowyn: Why would I marry YOU, Faramir? I'd rather marry Frodo! He saved all of Middle-earth, and what did you do? Nothing nearly as important!

Aragorn: How OLD are you anyways, Gandalf?

Boromir (after being struck by an arrow): You shot me! What did you do that for, Lurtz? What did I ever do to you? *bursts into tears*

Galadriel: Hello! You must be the Fellowship of the Ring! It's a pleasure to meet you! I hope you have had a safe and pleasant journey so far! BTW, where's Gandalf?

[Elessar,Elfstone]

Bilbo:Frodo,how could you?I gave you that rings out of the goodness of my heart,and what do you do with it?You melt it!This is the last time you inherit anything from me!
Frodo:But Bilbo-that's what we went for.Gandalf told me the ring was dangerous!
Gandlaf:What's that?You actually take notice of what I say?*rolls around on floor laughing*It was all a joke!*rolls around some more* smilies/tongue.gif

[Eruwen]

I don't think I could come up with anything even REMOTELY funny compared to all of these. Oh, and Thulorongil, HILARIOUS about that Harry Potter thing. {Yes, I have seen the movie.} But don't tell my friends, they will think I'm am a complete freak!! Of course, they think LOTR is stupid too. Oh well. {Their loss} smilies/wink.gif

[Owain son of Urien]

I am looking for adventure.
Successful businessman seeks new challenge. Fed up with hum drum existence. Would like to join any arduous expedition heading to dangerous parts. Please contact personally [NO LETTERS].

Barliman Butterbur

[Uialellethwen]

Legolas Greenleaf (or Orlando Bloom...) : *burps* Good brewski, man! Mmm, who's that hot mama cita? *burps the alphabet and crushes can against head*

lol

Frodo: Sam, I hate you.
Sam: What? I'm not sorry, but I was off not helping you.

Frodo (or Elijah Wood...) : I am MAN! *flexes muscles*

Arwen: Daddy! I need help! How am I supposed to fend for myself, I'm only a girl! *cries*

Aragorn: Dude, I know what I want to do! Instead of being king and marrying Arwie Baby, I'm gonna marry Sauron! (no idea where that came from... *slightly scared of self* )

Sorry if those have been done already, but I don't care. I'll post more when I think of them.

[Uialellethwen]

I just about died of laughter when reading the Harry potter one! ...So Gandy should be in Gryff, not Slyth?...

[Uialellethwen]

Ok, here's one!

*in the scene at The Prancing Pony from FOTR*

Mysterious Stranger: Wee lad, d'you know a Frodo Bagginseseses?
Pip: *in perfect english* No. I am sorry, but I do not know a Mister Baggins.
Strider: I know a Baggins! He's the guy with the magic ring! 'Doh!

lol, so true...

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

That Legolas burping one was funny!!! (I love your quote from Nickelback!!!!!! smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/biggrin.gif )

[Uialellethwen]

<font color=#00EE76> <font size=4>Thank you! hehehe, the Leggy one is part of a wet-dream in a story I'm writing... When it's published, I'll let you shell out money to read the rest! smilies/biggrin.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/biggrin.gif

[ July 17, 2002: Message edited by: Uialellethwen ]

[Uialellethwen]

Saruman (to Gandy) : Gandalf, my friend, I know absolutely nothing of the great evil that has obviously come from the Land of Shadow.
Gandy: Really, friend?
Saru: Yes... Oh, before I forget, I found one of the palantirs-
Gandy: A palantir? Oh, many years have passed... All this time it has been right here infront of my very own over-sized-novelty nose?!?
Saru: Maybe you need to destroy it. So how's Hobbiton? And Bilbo's party?
Gandy: The Ring... I MUST HAVE IT! *grabs palantir and runs away. No break dancing takes place.*
Saru: Hhm? All right then. *goes back to watching Martha Stewart and baking cookies and pies*
I'd add more, but my brain's dead from lack of sleep. I'm going to turn in now.

[tangerine]

Elrond to Frodo: I HATE this place, this zoo, this prison, this reality, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink. And every time I do I feel I have somehow been infected by it. It's repulsive, isn't it? I must get out of here. I must get free and what you have is the ring, my ring. Once Lorien is destroyed there is no need for me to be here, don't you understand? I need the ring. I have to get inside Mordor, and you have to tell me how. You're going to tell me or you're going to die.

(hehe, the Matrix is one of my favorites, right up there with LOTR)

[Nevfeniel]

Nazgul- "I told you, there were only eight black horses. Now shut up and keep pedaling."

[Maria_Caps]

Aragorn:*yawns* I'm tired of following those damn hobbits everywhere!

[eleniwilwarin]

*Legolas sneaking up to gimli at night with a razorblade*
Legolas: HEHEHE
*Gimli wakes up*
Gimli: I dont have the ring Frodo has it, kill him instead
Legolas: i was not going to kill you, just shave your beard * holding up the razorblade with a smile*

*Sam is standing in the front of the boat on their way leaving Lothlórien. holds his arms up, the wind is blowing in his hair..*
Sam: Frodo I´m flying I´m flying
Aragorn: sit down sam, sit down, i cant see
*the boat crashes into a stone and the unsinkable boat starts to sink*


Legolas: stop, stop, stay, wait for me i think i to stop and eat. i`m Staarving
Pippin: oh come on Legolas we just finished our THEIRD breakfast. how many more do you want?

[greywind]

Theese may have been posted before, I have not had the mind to read them all.

Merry & Pippin: "Oh Sugar Grishnak, save us from those savages! Carry oss away in those big, strong, muscly arms... Its that Chanel you are wearing?"

Legolas (as he appears before Manwë in Aman): "And here is Gimli, son of Gloin. He is my dear longlost... friend"

Rose Cotton: "Galadriel, Sam is MINE, please stop sneaking him little lovepresents you *****"

Gimli: "Galadriel, sure theese lembas are OK? No surprise hairthreads in them I hope?"

[ July 20, 2002: Message edited by: greywind ]

[Himalata]

Pippin: What's that?!
Merry: This my friend is a pint
Pippin: It comes in pints!! Big whoop smilies/rolleyes.gif

*When Frodo and Sam encounter a nazgul
Sam: Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee, and it's really hard not to.

[Bulelainwen]

Ok these probably arent that funny and sorry if theyve already been posted:

Frodo: Oops I brought the wrong ring
Legolas: Oh no I got a zit, Gimli I need my concelear back
Legolas: I'm tired and I need my beauty sleep
Nazgul *sings: I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul, I wanna make you happy
Sam to Frodo: Is it true that you've just been using me? This relationship is SO over
Legolas to Gimli: You know I never did like you that much
Treebeard: I DIDN'T RIP THE RICE PAPER!!!! (this might only be funny if you've seen Kung Fu)

This is a convo I had with my friend, I hope its funny:

Me: I saw FOTR again
You: Did you cry again
Me: Yeah
You: Let me guess when Legolas got the bruise?

[Evisse the Blue]

wow, these are so great! I'm barely halfway through page 6 and ROTFL.
Ahem. I would like to add my humble contributions:
Frodo at Mt Doom: I'm too sexy for my ring! (throws ring in, whilst doing a MJ impression)
Legolas (sprinting around): I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and Briiiight!!
Gandalf face to face with the Balrog: Why, my friend, you are gifted! Those red piercing eyes, that dark complexion, and the howl - could I hear it again -marvellous! Listen, buddy, I got a deal for you (puts arm around Balrog's shoulder and they start to walk away): I know a friend of mine who's making a movie in New Zealand, and you're perfect for the part. What part? the hero, of course. (aside, to the Fellowship, who are staring and mumbling to themselves): Fly you fools!

[Elenna]

OK, this is part of a much longer parody.

Gandalf arrives at Isengard.

GANDALF: Saruman, you are the wisest of the wise
SARUMAN: Yeah, whatever. (spreads black vampire cloak). I vant to suck your blood.
GANDALF: Despite your creepy demeanor, I will reveal some secrets.
SARUMAN: I'm evil
GANDALF: I trust you implicitly
SARUMAN: I work for Sauron
GANDALF: You are the wisest of the wise
SARUMAN: I'll make you break dance
GANDALF: You ARE evil!

[Aragost]

At Bilbo's farwell party:
Bilbo:I know half of you half as well as I like and I like less than half of you half as well as you should like.DAMN!I screwed my speech up.

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins I love these spoons that was so thoughtful of him.

[Daniel Telcontar]

Elrond: You want my daughter, Aragorn? Really?
Aragorn: I know I am but a Ranger, but I will soon be king of both Gondor and Arnor...
Elrond: I don't care, just get married now before you change your mind. Phew. I never thought I was gonna get rid of her. And with my sons abroad and Celebrian in Aman I have the house for myself!!

[charly]

LOL!!!!!!!

Eowyn: Eomer,gimme my Barbie doll!!!
Goldberry: Tom, you can´t sing a tune!
Elrond:A date? Are you crazy? He´s your brother!Besides,your much too young for a date!
Eowyn: Help,I´m 14 and don´t wear a bra yet.
Merry: Eowyn cut it, I don´t want to ride to war!
Aragorn/Gandalf: Smoking is bad for you!
Faramir: Gee, Frodo, can I keep this Gollum for my zoo?
Faramir: Eowyn, I´m married. Eowyn: Aragorn... there´s a problem... I´m pregnant.
Wormtounge: Theoden,did you take your Anti-Aging stuff yet?
Gandalf(to Theoden) I understand, it´s just natrual you´d rather listen to wormtounge. Sorry we disturbed you.
Wormtounge: Gandy will you marry me?
Treebeard:HURRY UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok... was that too much? Sorry! I really, really loved your ideas*ggg*!

[cyborg8844]

smilies/rolleyes.gif smilies/eek.gif smilies/tongue.gif
these are SOOOO funny! here's some more

Aragorn to Arwen: I hate your guts!
Arwen to Aragorn: I hate yours back!

Gandalf: I will serve Sauron and become evil!

Gandalf to Saruman: I like your little black ball thingie. What's it for?
Saruman: I use it to contact Sauron to ask for my orders.
Gandalf: Cool, can I play with it?

that's all for now. smilies/smile.gif

[RiderOfRohan]

any hobbit saying- I hate pipe-weed

[Nevfeniel]

Boromir (after being struck by an arrow): You shot me! What did you do that for, Lurtz? What did I ever do to you? *bursts into tears* Brinniel, this post has inspired me.

Boromir: Lurtz! You shot me! Why? How could you? I thought we were friends!
Lurtz: Gee, I'm sorry, Boromir. But I had orders. Lesse how bad it is. *walks over to Boromir*
Boromir- *pulls arrow out of himself and sticks it right into Lurtz's chest* Friends, hah.

Ooh, just thought of another!

Balrog- Gandalf! You stole my girlfriend! Now you must PAY!
Gandalf- Just TRY and get me! *breaks bridge*
Balrog- If I go, I'm takin' you with me!

[ August 01, 2002: Message edited by: Nevfeniel ]

[raci]

Frodo facing Gollum on Mount Doom - Holds up ring and says "Moon Prism Power". All of a sudden he has a perfect manicure which gets covered up by white gloves. He then makes a speech about love and justice while wearing a Sailor uniform with big pink bows on it. Then he throws his tiara at Gollum whilst shouting "Moon Tiara Magic". Gollum explodes. Frodo trips over his own feet and drops his ring in the volcano. He bursts into tears and crys like a baby.
(This will only be understood by Sailor Moon fans, and even they probably won't find this funny. Oh well, I had to get my name sum where on this great thread)
smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif
mailto:lotr21@hotmail.comlotr21@hotmail.com</A>

[raci]

Frodo facing Gollum on Mount Doom - Holds up ring and says "Moon Prism Power". All of a sudden he has a perfect manicure which gets covered up by white gloves.
He then makes a speech about love and justice while wearing a Sailor uniform with big pink bows on it (his hair is suddenly long and blond and looks like a couple of meatballs).
Then he throws his tiara at Gollum whilst shouting "Moon Tiara Magic". Gollum explodes. Frodo trips over his own feet and drops his ring in the volcano. He bursts into tears and crys like a baby.
(This will only be understood by Sailor Moon fans, and even they probably won't find this funny. Oh well, I had to get my name sum where on this great thread)
smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif
mailto:lotr21@hotmail.comlotr21@hotmail.com</A>

[raci]

Frodo facing Gollum on Mount Doom - Holds up ring and says "Moon Prism Power". All of a sudden he has a perfect manicure which gets covered up by white gloves.
He then makes a speech about love and justice while wearing a Sailor uniform with big pink bows on it (his hair is suddenly long and blond and looks like a couple of meatballs).
Then he throws his tiara at Gollum whilst shouting "Moon Tiara Magic". Gollum explodes. Frodo trips over his own feet and drops his ring in the volcano. He bursts into tears and crys like a baby.
(This will only be understood by Sailor Moon fans, and even they probably won't find this funny. Oh well, I had to get my name sum where on this great thread)
smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif
mailto:lotr21@hotmail.comlotr21@hotmail.com</A>

[raci]

Frodo facing Gollum on Mount Doom - Holds up ring and says "Moon Prism Power". All of a sudden he has a perfect manicure which gets covered up by white gloves.
He then makes a speech about love and justice while wearing a Sailor uniform with big pink bows on it (his hair is suddenly long and blond and looks like a couple of meatballs).
Then he throws his tiara at Gollum whilst shouting "Moon Tiara Magic". Gollum explodes. Frodo trips over his own feet and drops his ring in the volcano. He bursts into tears and crys like a baby.
(This will only be understood by Sailor Moon fans, and even they probably won't find this funny. Oh well, I had to get my name sum where on this great thread)
smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/tongue.gif
mailto:lotr21@hotmail.comlotr21@hotmail.com</A>

[Halbereth Diagona]

Ok....how about this one:
Boromir: I'm invicible!!
Lurtz: You're a loony.

[Anastasia]

Aragorn: Well I really dont want to draw attention to myself... I dont think i'm that important.

Gandalf: Saruman! Tell me who ur manicurist is! Those nails are so GORGEOUS!

[Anastasia]

Aragorn: DON'T WORRY! I'LL SAVE YOU!
Eowyn: OH! MY HERO! WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU?

its not that great but there you are

[Thulorongil]

At the Lake of Moria:
Frodo is picked up by one of the tentacles screaming. Boromir, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Merry, and Pippin rush out hacking away, trying to save him. Gandalf and Samwise remain on the shore, looking on. The others are unsucessful and Frodo is eaten. Sam says "oh, well" Gandalf turns back to him and replies with a shrug "well, that solves our ring problem"

can ya tell that I thought that one through a little?

[Kaszul]

Sauron: I never wanted to be a dark lord, I always wanted to be...........A LUMBERJACK!. Leaping from tree to tree with my best ringwraith at my side as we float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. We'd sing, .....sing, .....sing!

[Kaszul]

After placing he ring in the fire, Gandalf pulles it out and hands it to Frodo and asks, "What do you see?"

Frodo: Well, I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!

Spanish Iquisition after busting down the door to bag end: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquistion, our cheif weapon..........

[Morquesse]

Greetings, people! smilies/biggrin.gif I think I'll try a bit.

At the council at Rivendell, Elrond was saying: 'The Ring must be destroyed, and it must be destroyed by someone who does his work well, pays his taxes on time, and helps his land-lady take out her garbage.'

~M

[ August 17, 2002: Message edited by: Morquesse ]

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

So this is where this thread has been hiding! I was looking all over The Books section. I haven't had a post on here for about 2 pages.

*smiles insane grin as he finds his precious*

ok...

Elrond: Say Eowyn....doing anything tonight?

Aragorn: I'm not going to lie to you Frodo. When it comes down to it, I'm a cold-blooded psychopathic maniac and you are not safe around me.

I'll be back! Make sure this thread stays right here!

[Rosseiliantiel]

Frodo: Here, Gandalf, take the Ring!
Gandalf: I MUST NOT!!!!!
Frodo: I'm GIVING it to you!
Gandalf: Ok, fine.
Frodo: Here.
Gandalf: Heeeheee, Thanks! *does a happy dance*

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

I haven't posted here in a while either! Eomer, you gave me an idea..

Frodo: Aragorn. I know what I have to do.

Aragorn: Good for you Frodo. *goes to walk away but Frodo begins to talk again*

Frodo: I must go to Mordor. Alone. This is my quest. I must see through it.

Aragorn: You are a brave hobbit, Frodo Baggins. Have a good trip!

Frodo: Aragorn, wait. How dangerous is the road to Mordor?

Aragorn: Not gonna lie, you'll probably die. There's no where more dangerous on all of Middle-earth. Heh, you'll probably not even make it past Emyn Muil! Actually, you'll be lucky if you get halfway through there! But don't worry. You'll probably die a quick and painless death! No, nevermind. Most likely slow and painful.

*Frodo looks as if he's about to cry*

Aragorn: Cheer up, Frodo! It'll be fun!! Take Sam along too!
*Aragorn think to himself* Hehee, two birds with one stone.. smilies/evil.gif

[Craban]

At Weathertop:

FRODO: Oh $*%(#*! How many hit points does a lich have again?
SAM: (whimper)
FRODO [breathing on and kissing many multi-sided dice]: Come on, luck be a lady!

[Catherine]

Boromir:We should use the ring against him...

Aragorn smilies/frown.gifIn that wierd voice)You cannot wield it, none of us can.

Boromir:What would a mere ranger know of this matter?

Aragorn:You know what, your right I will just shut up now.

(Its not funny but I had to say you cannot wield it for Lothiriel smilies/biggrin.gif )

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Thanky Catherine smilies/wink.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/biggrin.gif

But seriously. YOU can not weild it! None of us can! The ring answers to Sauron alone, it has no other master!!!

[NazgulNumberTen]

aragorn: (in a weird voice) YOU CAN WEILD IT!!!!

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Aragorn: You cannot wield it! I took it to the jeweller's earlier and it's almost broken, so be careful! We don't want to get Sauron even more mad at us

Boromir: My goodness Lord Elrond, the luncheon here in Imladris is quite spiffing.

Legolas: Guys, The Strokes want me to fill in for Fab on their tour of Eriador so....good luck and all Frodo but what can I say - Rock comes first!

Sam: I'll do your garden in a minute Mr. Frodo, I'm playing Champ Manager...

Denethor: Ha ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! You...ha ha ha! But...hee hee! Oh my! That's funny!

[Kithrèna Greenarrow Legolas]

Legolas: *Singing at the top of his lungs on that snowy moutain in "Fellowship of the rings"* THE HIIIILLLSS ARE ALIIIIVE, WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUSSSIIIC!!!!!!

Aragorn: Black is five meniutes ago, I belive I'll try pretty, pretty pink

Frodo: ITS BEEN FOUR WEEKS AND I STILL HAVENT GOTTEN A REPLY TO MY SUBSCRIPTION TO THE BACKSTREET BOYS FAN CLUB!!!
Aragorn: Well...Theres allways *N Sync

Gimli: Legolas?
Legolas: Yes?
Gimli: When we was running from that fire monster back there and I sliped wile jumping over to you, WHY DID YOU GRAB THE BEARD
Legolas: Well...*Stops and thinks* it was either that or your nose hair

Grandlaf: *Walking along and heres something go squish, and looks down* Theres an elephent in these parts....EEEEeeeewwww!!!

Sam: Mr. Frodo, have I told you how nice your hair looks today?

Frodo, Aragorn, Pippin & Legolas: *Up on stage at the Pranceing Poney, singing acopello* Trailor for sail or rent, rooms to rent 50C. No dogs, no cats, no pets...I aint got no ciggrettes!

[Lothiriel Silmarien]

Aragorn: Gentlemen, what are you doing! We don't stop till nightfall! Get up, we have a long way to go. We can't just sit around all the time, you know. We're men. We must be strong.

Pippin: But Strider, I've gotten so far in Pretty Pretty Princess! I'm almost a Princess!

Aragorn: Well then, a short rest won't do a man any harm!

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor.....the prices are extortionate!

Eomer: (on seeing Elladan and Elrohir) I'm seeing double! Four Elves!

Frodo: I sense danger!
Sam: Be careful Ninety-Nine!
Pippin: What?
Frodo: You are so young...

Aragorn: (to Gandalf) Could you maybe step out of the limelight for ONE SECOND?

Arwen: Keg party at my house!

[Keeper of the Feet of Melkor]

Sauron: Come on Elrond, let's go have a drink at the Happy Tyrant! smilies/biggrin.gif

*dedicated to Zoe, who will be leaving the Fort for one whole year*

[ August 31, 2002: Message edited by: Keeper of the Feet of Melkor ]

[Melichus]

Wringwraith #1: Wind!
Wringwraith #2: Water!
Wringwraith #3: Fire!
Wringwraith #4: HEART!
All (thrusting their rings into the air): With our powers combined...

[NazgulNumberTen]

gollum: (coughs up a fishbone) (speacks in british accent) oh thank eru, i've been trying to get that thing out for 600 years. hmmm, poking it with a finger works.

[NazgulNumberTen]

aragorn: crap, my sword broke...KA...ME...HA...ME...HA!!!!!!!!!!!
(a giant blast of energy kills a bunch of orcs)
i know, not even funny to dbz fans (sigh)

[raci]

I just got it NazgulNumber10.

Pippin: Mercury Bubbles....Blast!
Merry: Mars Fire....Ignite!
Sam: Jupiter Thunder....Crash!
Frodo: Venus Crescent Beam....Smash!
Legolas: Moon Sceptre....Elimination!

(Not funny unless you're a Sailor Moon fan, still probably not funny if you are)

mailto:lotr21@hotmail.comlotr21@hotmail.com</A> smilies/tongue.gif

[raci]

P.S. (The real Invader Zim is hiding out in my closet. Don't tell anyone!)

[NazgulNumberTen]

not really a fan, just watched it a couple of times. and HELP SAVE ZIM!!!

[Merry_Pippin_Frodo_Sam]

Frodo: ok, so what your saying is, if i look into this bird bath... i'll see my future?!
no way!!!

i'll try to come up w/better ones! smilies/wink.gif

[Celebmornie]

Galadriel: Look into my mirror!
Frodo:Its a bird bath!
GaladrieL: Its my mirror!!
Frodo: I still say its a bird bath!
Galadriel: *looks at frodo* Fine look into my bird bath!
Fordo: Why i all ready know what i'll see!
Galadriel: What? *looks at him with shocked expression*
Frodo: Im gonna see birdys!

---------------------------------------------

Frodo offers the ring to Galadriel and she goes all weird!
Galadriel: In place of a dark lord you will have a.......*Starts coughing uncontrolably*
Crap!*gets out a cough drop and eats it! Looks at Frodo realizing she forgot him!* Oh an no i dont want the ring!

---------------------------------------------

I know they suck but oh well! smilies/biggrin.gif

[ September 07, 2002: Message edited by: Celebmornie ]

[Maltaharma]

Black Rider: Give me back my kazoo, dammit!

[Brinniel]

This one I got from my friend (who I'm trying to get to join this forum).

After Frodo wakes up in Rivendell:
Frodo: Where were you, Gandalf? Why didn't you meet us?
Gandalf: I'm sorry, Frodo. I had better things to do.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Saruman: The Nine have left Minas Morgul. They crossed the river Isen on Midsummer's Eve. They will find the Goblet, and kill the one who carries it.
Gandalf: Goblet? No, no, mate, it's a Ring they're looking for.
Saruman: You mean I've wasted hundreds and hundreds of years searching for a non-existant Goblet?
Gandalf: Sounds like it.
Saruman: Oh, uh, hmm.....well then
Gandalf: I guess this is kinda awkward for you huh?
Saruman: hmmm....yes....indeed
Gandalf: Ok, I'll just let myself out. Don't feel too bad mate.

Saruman: Wait a minute, who were those fellows in black asking for a Goblet then?

Elrond: God I hope they find my Goblet soon, my beer isn't as good without it!

*ba-da-bing!*

[Cyborg8844]

smilies/eek.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/rolleyes.gif
i don't know if these are funny but:

Saruman:Gandalf me old chap, we must join Sauron to survive.
Gandalf:Sorry Saruman, old matee, I'd rather shoot you. *Gandalf shoots Saruman killing him. He laughs wildly*

Frodo:What delayed you Gandalf, why didn't yo meet us?
Gandalf:Because I was killing Saruman like I'm goin to kill you. *He kills Frodo and laughs wildly*
*Sam walks in*
Sam:What have you done you old sleezbaggy jerk? You killed master Frodo! *Sam grabs Gandalf's gun and shoots him then he laughs wildly, takes the ring from Frodo, puts it on, and runs off to Mordor to give it to Sauron so he can rule over Middle-earth*

Alternate Universe Webpage (http://www.foxkids.com)

[Brildagniriel]

Ok, here's one. (Sorry if it's not funny)

Strider: Are you frightened?
Frodo: Yes.
Strider: Great. Then my work is done here. (exit stage left)

[bombur]

Gollum: What is the average flying speed of a migrating swallow?
Bilbo: African or European swallow?
Gollum: I dont know aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

JH

[bombur]

Gandalf: Why do you not come down from your tower instead.
Saruman: Obi-wan once thought like you, it is too late for me my son, you do not know the power of the dark side.
Gandalf: Then my father is truly dead.

JH

[bombur]

Mouth of Sauron: -politely- "the director has another meeting at the moment, would you like to come back later, or would you like to leave a message?"

[bombur]

"My name is Tuk, Peregrin Tuk."

[bombur]

Frodo: We are putting the band back together.
Sam: We are on mission from god.

[Anastasia]

LOL Bombur.... smilies/tongue.gif

Aragon: I'm such a jerk.

Not that funny but there you are.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

By the way, I thought that one about Gandalf killing people insanely was REALLY funny. I do have a strange sense of humour though.

Here's 2.

Legolas: Crebain from Dunland!

Aragorn: Hide!

Legolas: No wait guys, hold on a second.

Gandalf: Legolas, those are spies of Saruman! Hurry and hide!

Legolas: No problem, I can shoot them all down.

Gandalf: Don't you realise that we........I'll bet you 20 quid you can't.

Legolas: Oh really?

Boromir: Hey, I want some of this, I raise you 50 Legolas.

Legolas: Well then! Throwing away our cash today are we? I'll show you!

*Legolas proceeds to kill every single bird but one with a total of 14 arrows*

Legolas: Oh blast!

Boromir: Whey-hey! Cough up, big guy!

Sam: Am I the only one who thought that was really good?

Frodo: Uh....guys - the spy?

Saruman(to Lurtz): Do you know how the Orcs first came into being?
Take some olive oil, some ash, a dash of molten iron and a pinch of parsley, stick it in a pot and VOILA!

[Bill Ferny]

Frodo to Butterbur at the Prancing Pony: Mr. Took and Mr. Brandybuck, and this is Sam Gamgee. My name is... umm... Shoemaker, Frodo Shoemaker.

[Cyborg8844]

i love this thread! i hope it never goes away
here's a continuation of my last one:

Sam:*after putting on the ring and runnung to Morder* You said we would be partners in ruling middle earth!
Sauron:I lied! Hahahahahahahaha!
Sam:You dork! *Sam shoots Sauron, laughs wildly, throws the ring into mt. doom, and turns back to normal when he trips and alls to his death. luckily, landing on a ledgebefore reaching the magma*
Frodo:*seeng Sam on the ledge* I'm coming my love!
Sam:Frodo, my love, don't!*Sam spoke to late and Frodo falls toward Sam and knocks them both into the fire and they both die* smilies/rolleyes.gif smilies/tongue.gif smilies/eek.gif

[raci]

Good thread smilies/tongue.gif smilies/smile.gif

[Laurelin]

Scene:
The Fellowship hiking up the mountain side.
Frodo falls down the hill, Boromir picks up the ring and says " It's mine it's finally mine!!! Eat my dust" and runs away. smilies/tongue.gif

[Lady_Espel]

Frodo to Any person who asks him-"The ring, oh yea. Would you like it gift wrapped." Actually you never know.

[raci]

Frodo: Yu-Gi-Oh! Now, I play a trap card. Magical ring (spellbinding circle), encircle Sauron's orcs! Mystical elf (Legolas) finish them off! Now I play my dark magician (Gandalf)! Defeat Sauron!

Hee hee. Probably not even funny to Yu-Gi-Oh! fan. This ones for you Lostrambaion. smilies/smile.gif smilies/tongue.gif

[ September 30, 2002: Message edited by: raci ]

[ September 30, 2002: Message edited by: raci ]

[Cyborg8844]

that is so funny and thx for dedicating it to me, raci. i like yu-gi-oh and its still funny! smilies/smile.gif smilies/smile.gif smilies/smile.gif smilies/smile.gif

[raci]

Thanx. Thought of somemore fast. Sorry they r not funny.

Frodo = Yugi (what with the height)
Pippin = Joey
Eowyn = Mai
Saruman = Pegasus (what with the hair)

Don't you think Tea's corny speechs r like the ones from Tuxedo Mask in Sailor Moon?
smilies/smile.gif smilies/tongue.gif http://exclamation-yu-gi-oh.com/img/char_mai.gif

[ September 30, 2002: Message edited by: raci ]

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Yu-gi-oh? Please, when it comes to cartoons there is but one man who rules the world. Johnny Bravo.

Sam: Hey there, pretty mama!

Rose: Excuse me?

Sam: You smell nice, wanna smell me?

*Usually followed by a slap*

[raci]

Johnny Bravo is okay but anime is still better. So is YuGiOh! smilies/smile.gif smilies/tongue.gif

[Nevfeniel]

*after Boromir was killed and Aragorn was with him*
Aragorn: Be at peace, son of Gondor. *kisses Boromir*
Boromir: *eyes pop open* Heeeey, wait a minute, Aragorn! I don't swing that way. . .

[Luinëcolloien]

Here goes nothing---
Celeborn- Where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him.
Galadriel-he..has..fallen..into..shadow.
Celeborn- Well that's a little vague, lady, dont ya think?

Treebeard- Hurry up, you little pokey hobbits!! geese!! *takes out whip and whips their ankles*

[Elenna]

Aragorn: Sure, Arwen's cute, but gentlemen prefer blondes, right? *snuggles on the couch with Eowyn*

Legolas: *sobbing* You told me you only like brunets!

Aragorn: Errr...

[Shadow_Staar]

Gandalf: BILBO BAGGINS!! I am NOT trying to rob you, I'm trying to hit on you.
Bilbo: *Sweatdrops*

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Arwen: Not tonight Aragorn, I have a headache.

Aragorn: Aw, man...

[Eruialiwen]

LOL, this is hilarious!!! smilies/biggrin.gif

[Diamond18]

Picture this scene from the movie: Frodo is lying on the ground, eyes all pale, you know, breathing raspy...looking really bad.

Pippin: "Is he going to die?"

Aragorn: "Yes, he just got done reading the whole entire '101 Things LOTR Characters Would Never Say' thread in one sitting. Yes, all 13 pages. There is no hope. Not even Elvish medicine could save him."

Merry: "Um, actually that was Diamond18. Frodo, now, he was stabbed by a morgul blade."

Aragorn: "Oh, right. Well, it doesn't really matter; they will both die because of it."

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Just thought of these to extend the agony:

Círdan: Right: I'm sick of hanging around here running a free cruise line for every Noldorin freeloader that turns up. We'll give that chit Galadriel and those Istari johnnies five more days; then we're all off back to Tol Eressëa without them.

*Trails off mumbling about what he'll do if he sees another boat that day*

Gwaihir: If you think that I've nothing better to do with my time than to rush about hither and yon carrying you and your friends, Mithrandir, you've another think coming.

Tom Bombadil: Why do I have to rescue every group of morons that wanders through here? They got themselves into that pickle, so they can jolly well get themselves out of it. Right: where's my black suit?

Radagast: Ruddy winged vermin! Everything I own is covered in guano! I'm off to see what Olórin's up to. At least he's not surrounded by blasted birds!

Ghân-buri-Ghân: Me no help you. Wild Men no play with food. Get in pot.

The Mouth of Sauron: Sauron says that he'd like to decide the battle with a game of charades. Are we still on for golf this weekend, Aragorn old chap?

Celeborn: Look here, Darling: I'm supposed to be in charge around here, but I never seem to get a word in edgeways. Can't you go and make some rope or something while I find out what sort of people you've brought home this time?

Gandalf: Actually, Saruman, you've got a good point: it's all completely hopeless. Would he let me have Eriador, do you think?

[ October 09, 2002: Message edited by: Squatter of Amon Rudh ]