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You shall love me because I shall provide you with all the supplies you need!
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Oh, the joys of corruption...
Well, I guess you can then provide me a new Bible since I'm
A Good Christian Barrowdowner! 
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Part of the attraction of Tolkien for you is that it's "good, clean fun."
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Since when has killing and fighting become either of those above (especially
clean fun...)? I think it's rather messy
