[Morthoron]

Expose #3: The Dark Elf learns you're never alone when you're with a schizophrenic.

The Dark Elf: Today we are interviewing that most famous of tragic-comic villains, Gollum. Ummm...excuse me, Mr. Gollum, would you mind coming down from that tree and talk to us?

Gollum: What does it wants, eh? Nasty Dark Elfses, we hates them.

TDE: Ummm....We'd like to talk to you, to get your side of the story.

Gollum: Nasty, tricksy Dark Elfses wants to put magic ropses on us...it burns us, it fr-e-e-e-e-zes! *gollum*

TDE: No...no ropes. I just want to talk.

Gollum: Just wants a talk, eh preciousss? *gollum* Then whats it got in it handses, eh? Looks like nasty Elfses' ropses to me!

TDE: Errr...This is a mic and a mic cord, not a rope.

Gollum: Mike? What's Mikes, precious?

TDE: Mi-cro-phone. It's to talk into.

Gollum: *Rolls eyes* Well, why doesn't tricksy Dark Elfses says whats it means, eh? We can't reads minds, can we, preciousss?

*Creeps sinuously down tree trunk head first*

TDE: That's better. Now, Mr. Gollum, what would you like to say to our readers?

Gollum: S-s-s-s-s! Where's these readers, eh? You means to tricks us! *gollum* We knows it has trickses for us all the time!

Smeagol: No, nice Elfses wants our story. Nice Elfses not like effeminate Legolas in tights. Oh how we hates him!

Gollum: Legolas! *shivers* Garn! Never says that name again! Worser than fat, stupid hobbitses, my precious, worser!

TDE: Ummm...Would you two mind pulling yourself together and get back to the interview?

Gollum: Eh? We never left. You says come and we comes! Silly Elfses!

Smeagol: Praps he means we sits here and chats with it a bitsy, my preciousss. It likes riddles, praps it does, does it?

TDE: Ummm...No, I don't care for riddles. I lack the patience.

Gollum: Does it find them hard? Does it find them crunchably, scrunchably hard? Chestnuts! It must have a competition with us, my preciousss. If precious asks, and it don't answer, we eats it!

TDE: *Fingers the pommel of his dagger* They'll be no eating of anyone, thank you. And I'll ask the questions!

Smeagol: If it asks us, and we doesn't answer, then we does what it wants, eh?

TDE: *Roll his eyes and sighs* No, I want to ask questions about you and your...ummm...better half...and you just answer.

Gollum: *Frowns* We sees no fun in that, my preciousss! It doesn't wants to follow rules! Cheats! Cheats! Tricksy Dark Elfses, we hates him forever!

TDE: *Bites his lip* Oh for the love of Eru...

Smeagol: Forgives him, nice Master Darksies, preciousss has been beside himself since we lost our birthday present.

Gollum: Bah, Bagginses! We hates them, preciousss, hates them forever! *gollum*

TDE: Yes, yes...we hates them...ummm...I mean, you hates...hate...them. We know that part of the story already...

Gollum: *Eyes squint angrily and a snarl crosses his lip* Ss-ss-ss....How does it knows our story, eh precious? Unless it has hobbitses as friends, praps? Yesss, my precious, nasty hobbitses and elfsies as friends!

TDE: Actually, I despise Hobbits. Almost as much as this interview. Ummm...would you mind not gnawing on my microphone!

Smeagol: *Spits and grimaces* Mean Master Darksies tries to poison us with Elfses' technology! We are starving, preciousss, starving! And no Academy Awardses nominations for poor, tired Smeagol!

Gollum: We tolds you the Master was bad, my precious! *gollum* Fat, stupid Jackson with bad hairses and crumply tuxes! Only thinks of itselves, never for the preciousss!

*The Dark Elf throws up his hands and walks away*

Smeagol: Hey! Where's Dark Elfsies going to, we wonders? Yes, we wondersss.

Gollum: Never you mind smelly Elfses, my preciousss. But we are hungry, what say we go get some nice fish and chipses?

Smeagol: Bleah! No nasty chipses. We wants rings...onion rings with fishes, my preciousss.