The Dark Elf File - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Morthoron · 07-07-2007, 03:54 PM

Expose #3: The Dark Elf learns you're never alone when you're with a schizophrenic.

The Dark Elf: Today we are interviewing that most famous of tragic-comic villains, Gollum. Ummm...excuse me, Mr. Gollum, would you mind coming down from that tree and talk to us?

Gollum: What does it wants, eh? Nasty Dark Elfses, we hates them.

TDE: Ummm....We'd like to talk to you, to get your side of the story.

Gollum: Nasty, tricksy Dark Elfses wants to put magic ropses on us...it burns us, it fr-e-e-e-e-zes! *gollum*

TDE: No...no ropes. I just want to talk.

Gollum: Just wants a talk, eh preciousss? *gollum* Then whats it got in it handses, eh? Looks like nasty Elfses' ropses to me!

TDE: Errr...This is a mic and a mic cord, not a rope.

Gollum: Mike? What's Mikes, precious?

TDE: Mi-cro-phone. It's to talk into.

Gollum: *Rolls eyes* Well, why doesn't tricksy Dark Elfses says whats it means, eh? We can't reads minds, can we, preciousss?

*Creeps sinuously down tree trunk head first*

TDE: That's better. Now, Mr. Gollum, what would you like to say to our readers?

Gollum: S-s-s-s-s! Where's these readers, eh? You means to tricks us! *gollum* We knows it has trickses for us all the time!

Smeagol: No, nice Elfses wants our story. Nice Elfses not like effeminate Legolas in tights. Oh how we hates him!

Gollum: Legolas! *shivers* Garn! Never says that name again! Worser than fat, stupid hobbitses, my precious, worser!

TDE: Ummm...Would you two mind pulling yourself together and get back to the interview?

Gollum: Eh? We never left. You says come and we comes! Silly Elfses!

Smeagol: Praps he means we sits here and chats with it a bitsy, my preciousss. It likes riddles, praps it does, does it?

TDE: Ummm...No, I don't care for riddles. I lack the patience.

Gollum: Does it find them hard? Does it find them crunchably, scrunchably hard? Chestnuts! It must have a competition with us, my preciousss. If precious asks, and it don't answer, we eats it!

TDE: *Fingers the pommel of his dagger* They'll be no eating of anyone, thank you. And I'll ask the questions!

Smeagol: If it asks us, and we doesn't answer, then we does what it wants, eh?

TDE: *Roll his eyes and sighs* No, I want to ask questions about you and your...ummm...better half...and you just answer.

Gollum: *Frowns* We sees no fun in that, my preciousss! It doesn't wants to follow rules! Cheats! Cheats! Tricksy Dark Elfses, we hates him forever!

TDE: *Bites his lip* Oh for the love of Eru...

Smeagol: Forgives him, nice Master Darksies, preciousss has been beside himself since we lost our birthday present.

Gollum: Bah, Bagginses! We hates them, preciousss, hates them forever! *gollum*

TDE: Yes, yes...we hates them...ummm...I mean, you hates...hate...them. We know that part of the story already...

Gollum: *Eyes squint angrily and a snarl crosses his lip* Ss-ss-ss....How does it knows our story, eh precious? Unless it has hobbitses as friends, praps? Yesss, my precious, nasty hobbitses and elfsies as friends!

TDE: Actually, I despise Hobbits. Almost as much as this interview. Ummm...would you mind not gnawing on my microphone!

Smeagol: *Spits and grimaces* Mean Master Darksies tries to poison us with Elfses' technology! We are starving, preciousss, starving! And no Academy Awardses nominations for poor, tired Smeagol!

Gollum: We tolds you the Master was bad, my precious! *gollum* Fat, stupid Jackson with bad hairses and crumply tuxes! Only thinks of itselves, never for the preciousss!

*The Dark Elf throws up his hands and walks away*

Smeagol: Hey! Where's Dark Elfsies going to, we wonders? Yes, we wondersss.

Gollum: Never you mind smelly Elfses, my preciousss. But we are hungry, what say we go get some nice fish and chipses?

Smeagol: Bleah! No nasty chipses. We wants rings...onion rings with fishes, my preciousss.

07-07-2007, 03:54 PM	#3
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,517	Expose #3: The Dark Elf learns you're never alone when you're with a schizophrenic. The Dark Elf: Today we are interviewing that most famous of tragic-comic villains, Gollum. Ummm...excuse me, Mr. Gollum, would you mind coming down from that tree and talk to us? Gollum: What does it wants, eh? Nasty Dark Elfses, we hates them. TDE: Ummm....We'd like to talk to you, to get your side of the story. Gollum: Nasty, tricksy Dark Elfses wants to put magic ropses on us...it burns us, it fr-e-e-e-e-zes! gollum TDE: No...no ropes. I just want to talk. Gollum: Just wants a talk, eh preciousss? gollum Then whats it got in it handses, eh? Looks like nasty Elfses' ropses to me! TDE: Errr...This is a mic and a mic cord, not a rope. Gollum: Mike? What's Mikes, precious? TDE: Mi-cro-phone. It's to talk into. Gollum: Rolls eyes Well, why doesn't tricksy Dark Elfses says whats it means, eh? We can't reads minds, can we, preciousss? Creeps sinuously down tree trunk head first TDE: That's better. Now, Mr. Gollum, what would you like to say to our readers? Gollum: S-s-s-s-s! Where's these readers, eh? You means to tricks us! gollum We knows it has trickses for us all the time! Smeagol: No, nice Elfses wants our story. Nice Elfses not like effeminate Legolas in tights. Oh how we hates him! Gollum: Legolas! shivers Garn! Never says that name again! Worser than fat, stupid hobbitses, my precious, worser! TDE: Ummm...Would you two mind pulling yourself together and get back to the interview? Gollum: Eh? We never left. You says come and we comes! Silly Elfses! Smeagol: Praps he means we sits here and chats with it a bitsy, my preciousss. It likes riddles, praps it does, does it? TDE: Ummm...No, I don't care for riddles. I lack the patience. Gollum: Does it find them hard? Does it find them crunchably, scrunchably hard? Chestnuts! It must have a competition with us, my preciousss. If precious asks, and it don't answer, we eats it! TDE: Fingers the pommel of his dagger They'll be no eating of anyone, thank you. And I'll ask the questions! Smeagol: If it asks us, and we doesn't answer, then we does what it wants, eh? TDE: Roll his eyes and sighs No, I want to ask questions about you and your...ummm...better half...and you just answer. Gollum: Frowns We sees no fun in that, my preciousss! It doesn't wants to follow rules! Cheats! Cheats! Tricksy Dark Elfses, we hates him forever! TDE: Bites his lip Oh for the love of Eru... Smeagol: Forgives him, nice Master Darksies, preciousss has been beside himself since we lost our birthday present. Gollum: Bah, Bagginses! We hates them, preciousss, hates them forever! gollum TDE: Yes, yes...we hates them...ummm...I mean, you hates...hate...them. We know that part of the story already... Gollum: Eyes squint angrily and a snarl crosses his lip Ss-ss-ss....How does it knows our story, eh precious? Unless it has hobbitses as friends, praps? Yesss, my precious, nasty hobbitses and elfsies as friends! TDE: Actually, I despise Hobbits. Almost as much as this interview. Ummm...would you mind not gnawing on my microphone! Smeagol: Spits and grimaces Mean Master Darksies tries to poison us with Elfses' technology! We are starving, preciousss, starving! And no Academy Awardses nominations for poor, tired Smeagol! Gollum: We tolds you the Master was bad, my precious! gollum Fat, stupid Jackson with bad hairses and crumply tuxes! Only thinks of itselves, never for the preciousss! The Dark Elf throws up his hands and walks away Smeagol: Hey! Where's Dark Elfsies going to, we wonders? Yes, we wondersss. Gollum: Never you mind smelly Elfses, my preciousss. But we are hungry, what say we go get some nice fish and chipses? Smeagol: Bleah! No nasty chipses. We wants rings...onion rings with fishes, my preciousss. __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision.