[the phantom]

Having received permission from our good Sir Hookbill, I present to you a fantastic new weekly feature! (translation: not fantastic, but new and will last a few weeks anyway)

I introduce- Dear Downer. This is your chance to write to the paper and have your questions answered by exciting guest columnists! Now, many of the questions for the early columns I've already prepared, but as weeks roll by I'll start asking for all of you loyal readers to send in questions to be featured in the following week's edition.

This week, a double feature!

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DEAR DOWNER
THIS WEEK’S GUEST COLUMNIST- A Wizard That Really Loves Pipeweed

Blind Guardian writes- If you were stuck up a tree surrounded by Orcs, what would you do?
Wizard answers- I mean honestly, that’s certain death, particularly if there are also wolves present and the tree is on fire, as is often the case. I suppose I’d use the flames to light my pipe, as really what else is there to do but have one final glorious smoke? The real question you’re asking is, what year and leaf type would I want for my final smoke? Really… I can’t decide!

GreatElvenWarrior writes- Which race or creature in Middle-Earth do you find the most intruiging?
Wizard answers- All groups have their merits of course, so one must look for a truly unique feature. For instance, did you know that Hobbits invented growing and smoking pipeweed as we know it today? Elves invented things too of course. Hmm… you know, I can’t recall ever seeing an Elf smoking. Men to be sure, and a dwarf here and there, but no Elves. Strange. I wonder how Ents feel about smoking- are the leaves their relatives, and we’re burning them? Wait, what was the question?

Pitchwife writes- What was it like battling a Balrog?
Wizard answers- Well now, that would be a feat! No, no, that was Gandalf who did that- people often confuse me with him for some reason. Wonderful chap, Gandalf. Makes the best smoke rings, and always has some spare Hobbit-grown pipeweed! Never fought a Balrog myself. I’d love to see one! Always wondered about their wings, and if they like to smoke. They are fire creatures, so you’d think they would enjoy smoking.

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DEAR DOWNER
THIS WEEK’S GUEST COLUMNIST- The Phantom fresh off of his stunning Cobbler performance.

Morai writes- Why are you back writing again? The paper was better without you.
Phantom answers- It’s okay, lad, we all get jealous sometimes. Well, not me, but other people do. We can’t all be best friends with the paper owner, or BW’s arch-nemesis, or the greatest Werewolf performer in the world. Just focus on what you are capable of instead of hating others for their brilliance. For instance, perhaps you could fetch me a soda while I work on my next article? There’s a good boy. We all have our place.

Glirdan writes- What’s the toughest thing you’ve ever done?
Phantom answers- If you had asked me at an earlier time, then no doubt it would’ve been the time I was forced to kill my twin brother. But now the answer would have to be my Cobbler act on the final day of Mac & Rikae’s game. I had to appear as a Cobbler to the Wolves, appear as a Wolf to the Hunter, and appear as a Seer to the rest. The task looked darn near impossible, but I met the challenge with a level of subtlety, nuance, and charisma never before witnessed on the Downs!

Agan writes- Have you considered that your arrogant persona has been pushed to the point that you’re detestable rather than amusing?
Phantom answers- I’m not sure what you mean. Are you trying to say you love me and wish to have my babies? Because that’s what I’m hearing. If that is indeed the correct interpretation, I can’t say I blame you. Yesterday I bumped into Jeremy Irons and he pledged his eternal loyalty to me. Stuff like that happens to me all the time.

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Next week's Dear Downer guest columnist will be- Legate, while visiting Lommy!