The Barrow Downs Newspaper - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

the phantom · 02-14-2011, 12:49 AM

Having received permission from our good Sir Hookbill, I present to you a fantastic new weekly feature! (translation: not fantastic, but new and will last a few weeks anyway)

I introduce- Dear Downer. This is your chance to write to the paper and have your questions answered by exciting guest columnists! Now, many of the questions for the early columns I've already prepared, but as weeks roll by I'll start asking for all of you loyal readers to send in questions to be featured in the following week's edition.

This week, a double feature!

******************************************

DEAR DOWNER
THIS WEEK’S GUEST COLUMNIST- A Wizard That Really Loves Pipeweed

Blind Guardian writes- If you were stuck up a tree surrounded by Orcs, what would you do?
Wizard answers- I mean honestly, that’s certain death, particularly if there are also wolves present and the tree is on fire, as is often the case. I suppose I’d use the flames to light my pipe, as really what else is there to do but have one final glorious smoke? The real question you’re asking is, what year and leaf type would I want for my final smoke? Really… I can’t decide!

GreatElvenWarrior writes- Which race or creature in Middle-Earth do you find the most intruiging?
Wizard answers- All groups have their merits of course, so one must look for a truly unique feature. For instance, did you know that Hobbits invented growing and smoking pipeweed as we know it today? Elves invented things too of course. Hmm… you know, I can’t recall ever seeing an Elf smoking. Men to be sure, and a dwarf here and there, but no Elves. Strange. I wonder how Ents feel about smoking- are the leaves their relatives, and we’re burning them? Wait, what was the question?

Pitchwife writes- What was it like battling a Balrog?
Wizard answers- Well now, that would be a feat! No, no, that was Gandalf who did that- people often confuse me with him for some reason. Wonderful chap, Gandalf. Makes the best smoke rings, and always has some spare Hobbit-grown pipeweed! Never fought a Balrog myself. I’d love to see one! Always wondered about their wings, and if they like to smoke. They are fire creatures, so you’d think they would enjoy smoking.

******************************************

DEAR DOWNER
THIS WEEK’S GUEST COLUMNIST- The Phantom fresh off of his stunning Cobbler performance.

Morai writes- Why are you back writing again? The paper was better without you.
Phantom answers- It’s okay, lad, we all get jealous sometimes. Well, not me, but other people do. We can’t all be best friends with the paper owner, or BW’s arch-nemesis, or the greatest Werewolf performer in the world. Just focus on what you are capable of instead of hating others for their brilliance. For instance, perhaps you could fetch me a soda while I work on my next article? There’s a good boy. We all have our place.

Glirdan writes- What’s the toughest thing you’ve ever done?
Phantom answers- If you had asked me at an earlier time, then no doubt it would’ve been the time I was forced to kill my twin brother. But now the answer would have to be my Cobbler act on the final day of Mac & Rikae’s game. I had to appear as a Cobbler to the Wolves, appear as a Wolf to the Hunter, and appear as a Seer to the rest. The task looked darn near impossible, but I met the challenge with a level of subtlety, nuance, and charisma never before witnessed on the Downs!

Agan writes- Have you considered that your arrogant persona has been pushed to the point that you’re detestable rather than amusing?
Phantom answers- I’m not sure what you mean. Are you trying to say you love me and wish to have my babies? Because that’s what I’m hearing. If that is indeed the correct interpretation, I can’t say I blame you. Yesterday I bumped into Jeremy Irons and he pledged his eternal loyalty to me. Stuff like that happens to me all the time.

******************************************

Next week's Dear Downer guest columnist will be- Legate, while visiting Lommy!

narfforc · 02-14-2011, 12:33 PM

I am planning revenge.......

Glirdan · 02-14-2011, 03:32 PM

Yes phantom, that was a rather intense last Day, one that was pulled off magnificently and to our greatest success.

Morai · 02-15-2011, 11:15 PM

Quote:

Morai writes- Why are you back writing again? The paper was better without you.
Phantom answers- It’s okay, lad, we all get jealous sometimes. Well, not me, but other people do. We can’t all be best friends with the paper owner, or BW’s arch-nemesis, or the greatest Werewolf performer in the world. Just focus on what you are capable of instead of hating others for their brilliance. For instance, perhaps you could fetch me a soda while I work on my next article? There’s a good boy. We all have our place.

Haha! My androgynous user name strikes again!

Also, I'm not sure you'd want me to fetch you a soda. I make no guarantees as to whether or not I've shaken the can en route to its destination.

the phantom · 02-16-2011, 12:00 AM

Well, I'd say that makes the response much better in fact, as obviously Phantom can't be bothered to find out such trivial details about you commoners.

Aganzir · 02-16-2011, 06:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ronaldodm123

I don't want to give any spoilers, but let me tell you my book discusses at least pole axes

PLAGIARIST!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by the phantom

Agan writes- Have you considered that your arrogant persona has been pushed to the point that you’re detestable rather than amusing?
Phantom answers- I’m not sure what you mean. Are you trying to say you love me and wish to have my babies? Because that’s what I’m hearing. If that is indeed the correct interpretation, I can’t say I blame you. Yesterday I bumped into Jeremy Irons and he pledged his eternal loyalty to me. Stuff like that happens to me all the time.

No I just meant that your head has been getting smaller and smaller of late and people don't find it very attractive.

Mmm penguins!

satansaloser2005 · 02-21-2011, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the phantom

THIS WEEK’S GUEST COLUMNIST- The Phantom fresh off of his stunning Cobbler performance.

sd;oies;nnbds QW*(UW%! >.<

Oddwen · 02-21-2011, 11:31 PM

It's funny because I actually was making cookies on Sunday! Ha ha!

(help meeeee)

Hookbill the Goomba · 02-27-2011, 06:02 PM

Bring out your dead! Bring them out so they can read the Downer!

And now for your regularly scheduled Phalian.

Don't forget that if you've lost track of The Phantom and Alien, you can look back though the...

PHANTOM AND ALIEN
COMIC ARCHIVE THING

If your head is still able to read after that series of craziness and stomach cramp inducing news, then you'll be happy to read the following words;
Grumbling. Shoes.

Glirdan · 02-28-2011, 02:32 PM

The Poor Children!!!!!!

the phantom · 02-28-2011, 04:17 PM

DEAR DOWNER
THIS WEEK’S GUEST COLUMNIST- Urwen

Nerwen writes- Who is better- Maedhros, Glaurung, Eru, or Beren?
Urwen answers- Well Maedhros is totally out, since he’s the one that made Melkor mad enough to make the plague that killed Lalaith. Plus everyone knows Melkor used Maedhros’s severed hand as source material. Glaurung was very very mean to Lalaith’s family, and he probably even laughed when she died. And Eru didn’t spare her somehow, even though her brother was. What, was she unworthy?! Big jerk. And Beren wouldn’t give the Silmaril to Feanor’s sons, so they got mad, and that’s why Doriath didn’t help Maedhros’s alliance, and if they had maybe they would’ve been strong enough to move quicker ahead of the plague or maybe Melian could’ve healed Lalaith or something. So no- they’re all bad!

Rikae writes- Would you be so kind as to come up with a scenario in which Lalaith marries Aragorn?
Urwen answers- Ha, I thought of that years ago!
Maedhros: “Never mind Morgoth. We give up. Let’s talk.”
Morgoth: “Okay, so, you surrender now?”
Maedhros: *stalls* “Um….”
Morgoth: “So….?”
Maedhros: “Ha ha, I was kidding! Just giving time for all children to be evacuated! Now we fight!
Thingol: “Yes, we will take care of Turin and Lalaith for you, Hurin.”
Melian: “And I will send Lalaith to Beren and Luthien and have them put her into enchanted sleep, because I had a dream that said Turin would marry his sister!”
Hurin: “Thanks, you guys are great.”
Luthien: “Hi, Lalaith. We’re taking you up to a cave in Ered Luin to sleep.”
**Many years pass**
Cirdan: “I’ve lived around here a long time, but never noticed this cave before.”
Lalaith: “I’m awake now!”
Cirdan: “I will send you to Elrond to grow up. He can tell you all the history you missed.”
Elrond: “Good job Lalaith. You’re completely smart now, and a good fighter and everything.”
Lalaith: “Who’s that?”
Elrond: “That’s my adopted son, Aragorn. He just got back from a long trip.”
Aragorn: “You’re really pretty and funny and stuff. I like you.”
Lalaith: “Yay!”

Galadriel55 writes- I think that the next logical step after obsession with a fictional toddler would be obsession with a real life toddler. What do you say to that?
Urwen answers- I'm kinda there already. I killed my parents so I could have my little sister, and I made her to answer to “Lalaith”. When she started looking too old to be Lalaith, I killed her and had her stuffed. Now she can always be my Lalaith! I love going on walks with her (I pull her in a wagon).

Phantom writes- Who’s your favorite Tolkien character?
Urwen answers- Oh, ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Sally writes- I heard a rumor that you’re secretly Nog, and he created your account just to have a bit of fun with us.
Urwen answers- Oh my! Perhaps we can have a private chat about this?

satansaloser2005 · 02-28-2011, 04:23 PM

That last one totally happened, except the chat had nothing to do with Nog being Urwen.

02-14-2011, 12:49 AM	#1
the phantom Beloved Shadow Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: The Stadium Posts: 5,971	Having received permission from our good Sir Hookbill, I present to you a fantastic new weekly feature! (translation: not fantastic, but new and will last a few weeks anyway) I introduce- Dear Downer. This is your chance to write to the paper and have your questions answered by exciting guest columnists! Now, many of the questions for the early columns I've already prepared, but as weeks roll by I'll start asking for all of you loyal readers to send in questions to be featured in the following week's edition. This week, a double feature! **************************************** DEAR DOWNER THIS WEEK’S GUEST COLUMNIST- A Wizard That Really Loves Pipeweed Blind Guardian writes- If you were stuck up a tree surrounded by Orcs, what would you do? Wizard answers- I mean honestly, that’s certain death, particularly if there are also wolves present and the tree is on fire, as is often the case. I suppose I’d use the flames to light my pipe, as really what else is there to do but have one final glorious smoke? The real question you’re asking is, what year and leaf type would I want for my final smoke? Really… I can’t decide! GreatElvenWarrior writes- Which race or creature in Middle-Earth do you find the most intruiging? Wizard answers- All groups have their merits of course, so one must look for a truly unique feature. For instance, did you know that Hobbits invented growing and smoking pipeweed as we know it today? Elves invented things too of course. Hmm… you know, I can’t recall ever seeing an Elf smoking. Men to be sure, and a dwarf here and there, but no Elves. Strange. I wonder how Ents feel about smoking- are the leaves their relatives, and we’re burning them? Wait, what was the question? Pitchwife writes- What was it like battling a Balrog? Wizard answers- Well now, that would be a feat! No, no, that was Gandalf who did that- people often confuse me with him for some reason. Wonderful chap, Gandalf. Makes the best smoke rings, and always has some spare Hobbit-grown pipeweed! Never fought a Balrog myself. I’d love to see one! Always wondered about their wings, and if they like to smoke. They are fire creatures, so you’d think they would enjoy smoking. ************************************** DEAR DOWNER THIS WEEK’S GUEST COLUMNIST- The Phantom fresh off of his stunning Cobbler performance. Morai writes- Why are you back writing again? The paper was better without you. Phantom answers- It’s okay, lad, we all get jealous sometimes. Well, not me, but other people do. We can’t all be best friends with the paper owner, or BW’s arch-nemesis, or the greatest Werewolf performer in the world. Just focus on what you are capable of instead of hating others for their brilliance. For instance, perhaps you could fetch me a soda while I work on my next article? There’s a good boy. We all have our place. Glirdan writes- What’s the toughest thing you’ve ever done? Phantom answers- If you had asked me at an earlier time, then no doubt it would’ve been the time I was forced to kill my twin brother. But now the answer would have to be my Cobbler act on the final day of Mac & Rikae’s game. I had to appear as a Cobbler to the Wolves, appear as a Wolf to the Hunter, and appear as a Seer to the rest. The task looked darn near impossible, but I met the challenge with a level of subtlety, nuance, and charisma never before witnessed on the Downs! Agan writes- Have you considered that your arrogant persona has been pushed to the point that you’re detestable rather than amusing? Phantom answers- I’m not sure what you mean. Are you trying to say you love me and wish to have my babies? Because that’s what I’m hearing. If that is indeed the correct interpretation, I can’t say I blame you. Yesterday I bumped into Jeremy Irons and he pledged his eternal loyalty to me. Stuff like that happens to me all the time. ************************************** Next week's Dear Downer guest columnist will be- Legate, while visiting Lommy! __________________ the phantom** has posted. This thread is now important.

02-14-2011, 12:33 PM	#2
narfforc Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Muddy-earth Posts: 1,297	I am planning revenge....... __________________ [B]THE LORD OF THE GRINS:THE ONE PARODY....A PARODY BETTER THAN THE RINGS OF POWER.

02-14-2011, 03:32 PM	#3
Glirdan Energetic Essence Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Where Lark Nor Eagle Ever Flew Posts: 3,285	Yes phantom, that was a rather intense last Day, one that was pulled off magnificently and to our greatest success. __________________ *I'm going to buy you a kitty, I'm going to let you fall in love with the kitty, and one cold, winter night, I'm going to steal into your house and punch you in the face!* Fenris Wolf

02-16-2011, 12:00 AM	#5
the phantom Beloved Shadow Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: The Stadium Posts: 5,971	Well, I'd say that makes the response much better in fact, as obviously Phantom can't be bothered to find out such trivial details about you commoners. __________________ the phantom has posted. This thread is now important.

02-21-2011, 11:31 PM	#8
Oddwen Drummer in the Deep Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Next Sunday A.D. Posts: 2,145	It's funny because I actually was making cookies on Sunday! Ha ha! (help meeeee) __________________ But all the while I sit and think of times there were before I listen for returning feet and voices at the door

02-27-2011, 06:02 PM	#9
Hookbill the Goomba Alive without breath Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: On A Cold Wind To Valhalla Posts: 5,912	Bring out your dead! Bring them out so they can read the Downer! And now for your regularly scheduled Phalian. Don't forget that if you've lost track of The Phantom and Alien, you can look back though the... PHANTOM AND ALIEN COMIC ARCHIVE THING If your head is still able to read after that series of craziness and stomach cramp inducing news, then you'll be happy to read the following words; Grumbling. Shoes. __________________ I think that if you want facts, then The Downer Newspaper is probably the place to go. I know! I read it once. THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket...

02-28-2011, 02:32 PM	#10
Glirdan Energetic Essence Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Where Lark Nor Eagle Ever Flew Posts: 3,285	The Poor Children!!!!!! __________________ *I'm going to buy you a kitty, I'm going to let you fall in love with the kitty, and one cold, winter night, I'm going to steal into your house and punch you in the face!* Fenris Wolf

02-28-2011, 04:17 PM	#11
the phantom Beloved Shadow Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: The Stadium Posts: 5,971	DEAR DOWNER THIS WEEK’S GUEST COLUMNIST- Urwen Nerwen writes- Who is better- Maedhros, Glaurung, Eru, or Beren? Urwen answers- Well Maedhros is totally out, since he’s the one that made Melkor mad enough to make the plague that killed Lalaith. Plus everyone knows Melkor used Maedhros’s severed hand as source material. Glaurung was very very mean to Lalaith’s family, and he probably even laughed when she died. And Eru didn’t spare her somehow, even though her brother was. What, was she unworthy?! Big jerk. And Beren wouldn’t give the Silmaril to Feanor’s sons, so they got mad, and that’s why Doriath didn’t help Maedhros’s alliance, and if they had maybe they would’ve been strong enough to move quicker ahead of the plague or maybe Melian could’ve healed Lalaith or something. So no- they’re all bad! Rikae writes- Would you be so kind as to come up with a scenario in which Lalaith marries Aragorn? Urwen answers- Ha, I thought of that years ago! Maedhros: “Never mind Morgoth. We give up. Let’s talk.” Morgoth: “Okay, so, you surrender now?” Maedhros: stalls “Um….” Morgoth: “So….?” Maedhros: “Ha ha, I was kidding! Just giving time for all children to be evacuated! Now we fight! Thingol: “Yes, we will take care of Turin and Lalaith for you, Hurin.” Melian: “And I will send Lalaith to Beren and Luthien and have them put her into enchanted sleep, because I had a dream that said Turin would marry his sister!” Hurin: “Thanks, you guys are great.” Luthien: “Hi, Lalaith. We’re taking you up to a cave in Ered Luin to sleep.” Many years pass Cirdan: “I’ve lived around here a long time, but never noticed this cave before.” Lalaith: “I’m awake now!” Cirdan: “I will send you to Elrond to grow up. He can tell you all the history you missed.” Elrond: “Good job Lalaith. You’re completely smart now, and a good fighter and everything.” Lalaith: “Who’s that?” Elrond: “That’s my adopted son, Aragorn. He just got back from a long trip.” Aragorn: “You’re really pretty and funny and stuff. I like you.” Lalaith: “Yay!” Galadriel55 writes- I think that the next logical step after obsession with a fictional toddler would be obsession with a real life toddler. What do you say to that? Urwen answers- I'm kinda there already. I killed my parents so I could have my little sister, and I made her to answer to “Lalaith”. When she started looking too old to be Lalaith, I killed her and had her stuffed. Now she can always be my Lalaith! I love going on walks with her (I pull her in a wagon). Phantom writes- Who’s your favorite Tolkien character? Urwen answers- Oh, ha ha ha ha ha!!! Sally writes- I heard a rumor that you’re secretly Nog, and he created your account just to have a bit of fun with us. Urwen answers- Oh my! Perhaps we can have a private chat about this? __________________ the phantom has posted. This thread is now important.

02-28-2011, 04:23 PM	#12
satansaloser2005 The Sweetest Spoiler Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: from beneath you it giggles incessantly Posts: 5,789	That last one totally happened, except the chat had nothing to do with Nog being Urwen. __________________ "My heart always cowers behind the defense of my wit." Friendship is two pals munching on a well-cooked face together. Fenris bookworm.