The Rules of War

[Hookbill the Goomba]

This idea came to me in a dream.

The phrase 'rules of war' always struck me as odd. All the same, I felt it was well worth making fun of. Considering all the obscure rules and regulations that are put onto battles and so on. In ancient times, these rules were very much unwritten. That's what I think was going on in Middle Earth times, as well. These unwritten laws make the battles some what more fair... Sometimes.

So, lets say Aragorn and Sauron sit down, have some tea, and write down some basic rules to govern their battles. It will be called; The Big Battle Rule Book. Also known as The BBRB Agreement. It was a long document! Full of articles, subsections, footnotes and words.

The task of this thread is for us to write down what sort of odd and obscure rules may have appeared in such a contract. Here is my first example;

According to Article 7, subsection 4, paragraph 9 of The BBRB Agreement;

No orc may wear striped trousers during any battle that takes place on Gondorian soil. If any orc is found wearing such a garment, the battle must stop immediately and said orc will be taken out in front of both armies and forced to burn his trousers. He must be wearing them at time of ignition.

*****

So... What other silly laws could there be for Middle Earthian warfare?

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

In a battle environment involving cliffs, no Steward is allowed to jump off a cliff, unless under one of these conditions:
A. The Steward is on fire,
B. a King is present on the battlefield, superior to the Steward, AND the King is looking in the direction of the Steward, OR the King is not looking in the direction of the Steward AND the leader of the opposite army is not looking in that direction either, OR the leader of the opposite army is looking in the direction of the Steward AND the King is looking in the opposite direction than the leader of the opposite army, i.e. in the opposite direction than where the Steward is; unless the King and the leader of the opposite army are in opposite directions so that the placement of their units in the field allows them both to look at the same place but not in the same direction at the same time,
C. the Steward is running.

The conditions A and B may apply at the same time, or the conditions B and C may apply at the same time, but the conditions A and C may not apply at the same time, i.e. either just one of them may apply OR one of them AND the condition B may apply; the conditions A, B, and C may not apply at the same time.

Violation of the rule is punished by dragging the Steward onto a nearest cliff and burning him alive without allowing him to jump off the cliff or run. The punishment is applied collectively by the leaders of all the battling armies. If the Steward is one of these leaders, the person next in command after him applies the punishment.

The #2017 addition to the rule:
If either condition A or C are fulfilled, the Steward may NOT be dead by the time of jumping. At least ten witnesses from at least two sides of the battle (i.e. at least five from each) need to verify that the Steward was alive by the time of jumping, in other case, the Steward will be punished according to the rule.

[Bêthberry]

Not sure where this article belongs--maybe in a section regarding the cleaning, maintenance and safe-keeping of weapons rather than in the manuals of actual warfare.

One must never improvise with one's weapon, but use it solely for the purpose for which it was intended. This means, no surf boarding with one's shield, as if the battle were an Olypmic games competition.

Note that swords can be used to skewer and shish ke bob meat over an open fire, as this enacts the original intent of the weapon while providing a fire which could benefit the maintenance of the weapon.

[Eönwë]

Nice thread Hookbill. I'll try my best.

On the battlefield, if one side bears swords, they must be of simple steel. It must not be made of any of the following: Copper, Bronze, Mithril or TILKAL. No weapons are allowed which are imbued with any spells, Elvish, Morgul or otherwise. No talking swords. No swords which have any function other than fighting. No extra-long sowrds, or those carved with runes or other writing.

If a spear is used, it must be made of finest maple and the point of nothing but steel, as specified under the Druadan Forest Convention of 1214. There may be no spear exceeding 9'6756" in length. Again, no magical spears. None cast with spells of unbinding of a certain individual. No spears of the Elder Days. None that are carved to be specifically aerodynamic or have feathers attached in the manner of arrows. If thrown, spears must be thrown by hand.

To make sure that the above rules are heeded, six of the highest ranking members on either side must witness the checking of each weapon. If a weapon is found to have any of the above properties, all twelve members stabbed with that weapon, unless it is intended for individual, in which case the battle must be postponed in time for other weapons of the sort to be made (if not found) for the purpose. The owner of such a weapon must thenbe chained to the back of a lame cave troll for fifty-five days, starting from one minute after noon. If the offender survives, they must use their weapon (if it still exists) to claim lordship over their army, and become the one who leads them in battle.
If the current leader rejects their claim, they must do 300 star-jumps to prove their authority before they can maintain control over their tropps.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Article 5, subsection Z, paragraph H

In the event of a tie, the highest ranking officials left on either side (most probably peasants at this point) must decide the victor by a simple game of hide and seek. The seeker is to be the winner of a mace battle. The Hider is not permited to hide in; trees, ents, mountains, houses, caves, holes (Hobbit or otherwise), boxes, crates, barels, long grass or towers.

Article 7, subsection B ,footnote 47, paragraph 2.6

No Biting.

[Lalwendë]

Is this suspiciously like a D&D rule book?