The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Oddwen]

KALIMAC CHRISTMAS, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT

Originally Posted by Special Shire Correspondent Burpy Upheaver

Of late, Yule time is not always a happy time in the four farthings of The Shire. Traditional Hobbit traditions dictate that the tiny hobbit children stay up all night with clubs to keep the legendary figure known as Sando Clausefoot from eating their Yule Breakfast. Most hobbit children fall asleep early on, while parents leave nibble marks in all of the puddings to teach their children some sort of lesson in home security. All this has changed with the arrival of a Big Person calling himself "Sharkey Clause". He is said to send his elves out in wagons to cut down trees and collect toys from all the good boys and girls.

We tried to get a statement from one of his elves, but were spat on and told to stop asking questions as it was on the List as "not allowed". This was ridiculous, as we had checked the List beforehand to make sure. Upon a second checking, the rule was indeed there, sloppily written in pencil. We then tried to get a statement from Sharkey Clause himself, but were chased away while the old man screamed out "Yule Pay!" at our fleeing forms.

"I just can't understand it," says local character Gaffer Gamgee. "Maybe his weskit is two sizes too small."

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The Downer would like to assure its readers that we have a very good explanation for the past two weeks hiatus. So here are the reasons our staff haven't been putting out new content;
We got freaked out by last year's solar eclipse, and barricaded ourselves in an underground bunker, where to this day we await the end of the world.
Either that, or we're trapped beneath a pile of unsold P&A t-shirts.
But then we discovered that the Downer was just a figment of our imagination - an imagination long since shredded by our chronic twin addictions to strong alcohol and horse painkillers.
We'd written the instructions on how to update the site on a marzipan wafer, which was erroneously swallowed by a clown.
Then the rozzers discovered our illegal whale ovary removing factory, and dragged us off to the cells.

So, without further delay, here is the newest issue of the Downer. With a brand new look to hide the fact that we have no new content.



Now back to your regularly scheduled Phalian.

Don't forget that if you've lost track of The Phantom and Alien, you can look back though the...

PHANTOM AND ALIEN
COMIC ARCHIVE THING

The Downer will be back next week. We promise. And also, Hookbill promises that he will no longer imagine that The Downer has any staff.

[Blind Guardian]

Oh dear God...the alien is such an idiot...

[Galadriel55]

I have been taken to hospital? Cool.

Bugger Denethor.

Yay for the new looks! And news don't actually have to be new... just old enough not to be remembered anymore!

[Morthoron]

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

To whom it may consume:

I have been told that your tabloid has a "new look". Well, I actually haven't been told of this "new look", but I did manage to read the previous post that indicated this was the case. But I am not writing to complain about this alleged "new look"; on the contrary, I have an issue with the "old look".

Since I cannot even recall what the "old look" looked like with any specificity, how then do I know that this "new look" isn't just the "old look", or merely a look that was, in fact, around previous to the supposed "old look" -- a "recycled older look", if you will?

Speaking metaphysically, what is a "look" anyway? Since appearances can be deceiving, and since your paper has never had any depth in the first place, I do not see the point of renaming a skimpy veneer covering an empty shell. Replacing a blank facade does not alter empty air.

In conclusion, I strongly suggest you eliminate the "new look" as well as the "old look", and opt for a "don't look now". That way, I will not have to concern myself with changes I know nothing about regarding a tabloid I never read. I do not like to think of things that I do not think about!

Thank you in advance for doing nothing previously,
Mrs. Blithe Spacey
Heedless, Muddlesworth, Bewildershire

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

It's nice to see that The Downer is still with us. Nice new layout, it seems thatHookbill has found some exciting new fonts to play with.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Thanks to a very ODD mysterious contributor for the second story this week. It's very odd indeed.



Now back to your regularly scheduled Phalian.

Don't forget that if you've lost track of The Phantom and Alien, you can look back though the...

PHANTOM AND ALIEN
COMIC ARCHIVE THING

Alien is always at his best when he is destroying things, isn't he?
Anyway, we should be seeing some progress on the P&A animation in the next few weeks. The whole Christmas and New Year thing got in the way and my brother has only just gone back to collage, but work will continue, and no mistake!