Two cents: The Phantom Finance

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

I always thought that it was something of a devaluation when applied to my own opinions, the value of which begins at around £400 for an off-the-cuff remark about the weather to several billion in Sterling for a general solution to world poverty and distress.

Naturally I don't value any words of mine in cents, not only because two cents is too small an amount for any British bureau de change to consider exchanging, but also because that is too small an amount to justify the energy that I would expend in expressing myself. Clearly the wear and tear on my bronchial passages alone is worth at least fourpence ha'penny. When typing, the impact damage to my fingers and strain on my tendons comes to nearer half-a-crown and a pickled egg. *

Plus, as Rimbaud's legendary Foible-ometer has pointed out to us, it's really annoying, especially after eight or nine people beforehand have used precisely the same get-out for opinions ranging from the lucidly perceptive to the almost bovinely crass. There's no need for anyone's two Drachma, Sestertii, Doubloons or Cents, Euro or otherwise. We only want your opinions.

All cheques for my six-hundred and thirty-one pounds, four shillings and ninepence should be made payable to the Amon Rûdh Roof-Restoration and Drainage Fund. Thank-you for your generosity.

* All amounts given in Imperial currency. I'll be cold in my grave before I acknowledge decimalisation.