Who Would Win?

[The Only Real Estel]

In a flying contest between the Balrog and Smaug Smaug would win because Balrogs, of course, have no wings .

In a staff fighting contest between Saruman & Gandalf Saruman would win because Gandalf would let him, knowing he could just get another later. And another and another...

[Nimrodel_9]

In a wheel-barrow race between teams Legolas/Pippin, and Merry/Aragorn

Team Merry/Aragorn would win because Legolas would be too terrified to touch Pippin`s hairy-hobbit-feet.

[Lachwen]

In a staring contest between Aragorn and Sauron; Sauron wins, of course, because he's a giant eye: probably doesn't even have eyelids.

In a beauty contest between Gimli and Boromir; Gimli wins because he actually washes his hair.

In a tree-climbing contest between Sam and Gollum; Sam wins, despite his inbred fear of heights, because Gollum says the tree smells like Elves and leaves to wash his hands.

In an arm-wrestling contest between the Witch-king and Merry; Merry wins by distracting the Witch-king with a sword to the back of the knee.

In an archery contest between Legolas and Lachwen; Lachwen wins because Legolas plucks like a biznatch.

[Lalwendë]

In a welly throwing competition * between Tom Bombadil and Strider, which would of course be held at the Prancing Pony Beer Festival and Family Fun Day on Wedmath Holiday Monday, then the competition would be closely fought. Tom's infamous yellow boot would speed through the air aided by the sneaky workings of Goldberry, who would charm the breeze to better propel the boot. But Strider, with his 'high boots of supple leather' would have the advantage of greater height and a longer reach. Ultimately, the layers of mud caking Strider's boot would take away any advantage he gained, by reducing the aerodynamic properties of the said item. Many cheers all round for Tom Bombadil as he aces the competition and then proceeds to spend the rest of the day in draining the last barrel of Old Hobgoblin dry.

*Welly throwing is a very silly competitive game which will be familiar to UK readers of a certain age and background...

[Lachwen]

In a caber toss between Saruman and Treebeard: Treebeard wins by successfully tossing not only the caber, but the entire Tower of Orthanc as well.

In a fishing competition between Sméagol and Déagol: Déagol takes an early lead by actually catching a fish while Sméagol sits on shore, but is murdered by Sméagol and thus disqualified.

And in an arrow-catching competition between Boromir and Faramir: well, that's just harsh, isn't it?

[Rimbaud]

In a Scrabble competition between Frodo and Legolas, the Elf triumphs, due to his language having a higher average of letters per word, and a preponderance of 'q's.

In a Monopoly competition between Frodo and Gimli, the Dwarf comes through easily, as he has a more natural propensity to hoard and gather resources, and proves a ruthless landlord. Frodo, rather sportingly, lets Gimli stay in Park Lane for free. Feh!

In a Poker competition between Frodo and Gandalf, the wizard snatches the cash, due to his face being entirely obscured by bushy beard, not allowing Frodo to read his reactions. The Hobbit's ruddy cheeks are thoroughly scarlet by now. Three straight defeats!

In a Cross-country race between Frodo and Aragorn, the Man is victorious, because a) his legs are longer and b) he's a Ranger. Doh! Four down for Mr Baggins.

In an Eating competition between Frodo and Sam, the young Gamgee is ecstatic following a thumping win, as Frodo is worried that excessive weight gain may not enable him to wear fine pieces of gold jewellery, particularly on his fingers.

In an Invisibility competition between Frodo, and the two Blue Istari, the mssing wizards are successful by default, as nobody had seen them at all, whereas they'd all see Frodo fall over in the pub and disappear.

Thoroughly fuming by this point, Frodo sets off for his Ring-throwing competition with Sauron, with a deadly glint in his eye... Who'd be a naughty Maia, eh?

[Beanamir of Gondor]

In yet another Eating contest, this one between Merry and Pippin, both would eat themselves sick, and as they lie on the floor groaning and asking for a pipe, Frodo waltzes over and, picking up a single cracker FINALLY GETS A VICTORY by eating it! Merry and Pippin, after a long period of convalescence, are very bitter.

Then in a DITZSCHIFAT (think Mark Chang from Yugopotamia) between Boromir and Haldir, the Elf's herringbone is cut off by the Gondorian's sword, and the Men cheer; then Haldir whips out his bow and arrow. The manly heir to the Stewardship of Gondor falls to the ground whimpering. Faramir rushes into the ring and whips out a sword pilfered from an orc at Osgiliath. Haldir screams and tries to hide under the prone Boromir, and Faramir is declared the winner.

Finally, in the Forced-Growing contest between (yet again) Merry and Pippin, both spill so much Ent-draught that they are disqualified (even though Merry ends up as the tall hobbit yet again) by Treebeard, who roars at them for three days.