Middle Earth Tech Support

[Carrûn]

...a bit morbid and off color perhaps. Hope it's ok.

Tech Support #1: Hello?
Túrin: Hello?

~ Static ~

Túrin: Hello?
Tech Support #1: Yes, can you I help? Call will being monitored for your safety and satisfaction.
Túrin: Um, I'm having some issues with my sword.
Tech Support #1: We not be making spear. Please hold for transfer.
Túrin: !?

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #2: Hello?
Túrin: Yes, I'm having some issues with my sword.
Tech Support #2: This is Nogrod Crafts and Craftsman, we specialize in jewels. Do you have any jewels?
Túrin: I was transferred here by your associates. I need help with my sword.
Tech Support #2: If you don't have jewels, we don't want your business. Sword manufacturing has been outsourced to Gondolin. Good day.
Túrin: Wai-

Tech Support #1: Hello?
Túrin: Fix my sword.
Tech Support #1: Yes, we making sword. Also making very strong medicine. What is problem with you?
Túrin: I'm fine, my sword is the problem.
Tech Support #1: How fine when sound so angry? Please hold for supervisor.

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Supervisor: Hello? Tech supervisor speaking. How can I help you?
Túrin: I need some answers about my sword.
Tech Supervisor: Please describe the problem.
Túrin: I feel some malice lies deep within it. Or maybe I just still feel guilty for killing my friend with it, I'm not sure really.
Tech Supervisor: I can transfer you to our sister service, Morwen Counseling, Inc. if you would like...
Túrin: No! Wait, please. I'm convinced that it speaks to me.
Tech Supervisor: It speaks? Really? I've always wanted one of those but they were always a customer only product.
Túrin: I don't like that feature. How do I turn it off?
Tech Supervisor: I don't know. There's nothing about that on the screen here in front of me.
Túrin: You're using a screen?
Tech Supervisor: Swords 1.0. The boss doesn't want to pay the license for 1.5.
Túrin: I hate you. I want to return the sword. Now.
Tech Supervisor: Please hold.

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #3: Hello? Product Returns Department? Help you I can, yes.
Túrin: I want to return my sword.
Tech Support #3: Having problem? Let me transfer you to customer service.
Túrin: !

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #1: Hello?
Túrin: I want to return my sword.
Tech Support #1: Will be transferring. Please hold.

~ An hour passes with Morwen singing in the background ~

Tech Support #3: Hello? Product Returns Department? Help you I can, yes.
Túrin: I want to return my sword.
Tech Support #3: Shipping address for you?
Túrin: Doriath
Tech Support #3: Dorthonion no good, address only, no Postal Office boxes.
Túrin: No, Doriath. One more mistake and you're on my list of tragically deceased associates.
Tech Support #3: So sorry, please to be speaking more calmly and slowly. Model name please.
Túrin: Gurthang.
Tech Support #3: Very nice model. Not many available.
Túrin: I want mine replaced.
Tech Support #3: When replacing, will be sending special offer. Only 19.95. Will enjoy.
Túrin: I just want the sword replaced.
Tech Support #3: What about offer #2, two payments of 9.99?
Túrin: No, just the sword.
Tech Support #3: Very well, will be sending special offer after you be receiving us sword.
Túrin: I don't understand. So will the sword be replaced?
Tech Support #3: Sword being replaced after you complete special offer.
Túrin: Special offer? Goodbye. I'm coming to kill you and eat your children alive while I dance on your corpse.
Tech Support #3: Thank me for you calling. Please be having wonderful day and call anytime we make you problem.