Assigned to Mordor RPG

[Kath]

Sai stared in horror at the car she was supposed to be driving. She'd never even driven something the size one of the little French cars never mind one of these huge PT Cruisers! As she stepped towards it, the orc named Lûgnût leapt out from the other side, making Sai jump and causing her to fall off the pavement and into the car. Shooting her arms out she managed to catch herself on the wing mirror and was just regaining her balance when it snapped off. Horrified at her seemingly wanton destruction Sai tried to reattach it, but was stopped by the orc who was smiling broadly. Well, she assumed he was smiling, though it did look more like he was about to cough up a hairball, or very possibly an entire cat. Having not been here that long Sai wasn't exactly sure what was included in an orcs diet, though she was quite certain it would be nothing she would choose to eat herself. Nevertheless he was smiling and taking the broken mirror from her hands he exchanged it for a piece of paper with her name on it and some keys.

"What's this?" she asked in confusion.

"Your drivers license. There you see your name, which you will need to sign under, and there's your details and . . ."

"Wait - what? How can I have passed the test? I didn't even get in the car! I just broke it!"

"But you have understood perfectly the principle of driving on Mordorian roads. You want to get to where you're going so to, well, Mordor, with anyone else! It doesn't matter whether you see them or not, though you do tend to get in more trouble with the insurance people if you crash and you did see them. So, to keep premiums down, no wing mirrors mean you didn't see them and so you can't be at fault. Makes perfect sense!"

Sai just stared at him, trying to work out if she had understood anything the orc had just said. Apparently ignorance was the best policy on the roads, and she decided it might be the best policy right now as well because if that was the test then ridiculously easy was about the understatement of the millennium. Forcing her face into a smile she took the piece of paper and scribbled her name on it before heading back over to Mardil. Everything going on around her right now was just too confusing for her to want to even try and figure it out. She'd not been in a situation where she was dependent wholly upon herself before (thanks to those neurotic and over protective parents of hers) and she wasn't too keen to begin her independence in the middle of Mordor, especially not with this cold fog that had just rolled in.

She returned to her car after a quick word with him and was just about to begin loading her spare tyres into it when she felt a hand grab her arm. She was whirled around and as she turned a wire was slipped around her neck and something small and black was attached to it. Batting hands away from her body she backed away and bumped right into a man with a large black box sitting on his shoulder.

"Who are you? What do you want? And what is this thing" she cried out, lifting up the wire on her neck and pointing at it.

"We, young lady, are your kamura crew, and that is a my crow phone. "

My what? Thought Sai, before remembering Mardil's words about the reality crews. She knew she should do as he asked, well, as he told her. Arrogant and bossy he may be, but it wasn't like she had anyone better right now. She wasn't too keen though on the idea of having a group of strange men in the car with her. She hated that even now her mother's warnings about not getting into a car with strangers kept ringing in her ears, and that (as well as the mans referring to her as 'young lady') gave her the courage to resolutely ignore her doubts and make the most of this situation.

"And you are supposed to be following me and filming all I do right?"

Receiving nods from those around her she smiled triumphantly, before sitting down on the edge of the pavement and declaring,

"Well, I'm not going to be going anywhere until all those spare tyres are stacked neatly in the boot, so you'd best get on with it."

Realising they'd been had the kamura crew began to argue, but Sai sat silently examining a most interesting puddle and, noting they had a stubborn one on their hands, the crew reluctantly acceded to her demand. As they began heaving tyres into th car, Sai looked up again and reflectively enquired as to the availability of food. When no answer was forthcoming she sighed quietly and stood up. Theatrically raising her arm to her head she threw it across her eyes and fell gently to the floor, crying out that she had low blood sugar, and that if she didn't get food this instant she would surely not make it through the next test. Lowering her arm she saw a packet of something heading her way at a fair pace, and she snatched it before it could hit her. Barely looking at the label (which said Pronged Cockerel Tail crisps) she ripped it open and guzzled the first morsel of food she'd had in the past 48 hours or so.

Just as she finished her breakfast and her new crew finished loading the tyres, Sai saw Mardil peel away in his Cruiser. Standing up she meandered over to the car, looking as though she was going in no particular direction. Some of the crew turned when she stood up, and she waited until they had gone back to their tasks and closed the boot before wrenching open the drivers door, leaping inside and slamming on the central locking system (helpfully labelled with a big red key sign). Her transformation into an orc was surprising but not painful, and she was quite pleased with the fingernails she developed, having long suffered from the bad habit of biting her own nails. Looking at the encrusted dirt and who knew what else that was on her hands now, she thought she might just have been cured of that particular problem. The crew left stranded outside banged on the window in indignation and Sai rolled it down just enough to yell back at them.

"If you want to film me you're just going to have to catch me - if you can!"

She then turned the key in the ignition as she had seen Mardil do when he set off and slammed her feet down onto whichever pedals happened to be in reach. The car jerked backwards, knocking the crew away and bumping into the kamura van behind it with an audible and destructive sounding crunch. It wasn't exactly purposeful on Sai's part, but she certainly hoped it would mean it took them a little longer to catch up. She was shy enough about small camera's, let alone these ginormous kamuras! Several seconds later she found the forward pedal, and sped away, learning to steer as she went, though not fast enough for the unfortunate lamp post on her right which received a severe dent as she screeched past, and the even more unfortunate pedestrian who had to leap halfway up the now bent lamp post to avoid being crushed between it and the car.

After a while she saw Mardil's Cruiser parked up ahead, and had a slight panic attack as she tried to work out how to brake. Lifting her feet off all the pedals had something of a slowing effect, but she was saved from the need to to anything else by the handily placed bin bags that had been haphazardly thrown around the place but had ended up on the swerving route she was taking. Whatever they had in them was strong enough to withstand the impact of the large car and she skidded to a halt.

Throwing open the door she collapsed out onto the ground and debated with herself as to who was going to turn up first, the crew or Mardil, as she slowly returned to her normal self.

[Encaitare]

While the others rushed off to pick a vehicle, Wilhelmina stayed where she was.

"You don't seem in much of a hurry," Anakron commented.

"I'm not going anywhere those obnoxious kamuramen are going to follow," she said, crossing her arms. "I've had more than my fair share of reality television stardom."

"Oh, we'we weady to fowwow wou into the Void and back, Mth. Bwokenback," lisped an orc who was tottering under his heavy kamura.

"The show comes with the chance to get out of this wretched land, as does getting your license," said Anakron. "You do want to leave, don't you?"

Wilhelmina glared at him and stomped off to where the cars were parked. She looked between the PT Cruisers and the Little French Cars in dismay. She'd developed a dislike for Cruisers after what had happened in Lûndûn, but she'd also had a bad experience with some frog legs once, and therefore was not inclined to drive a French vehicle.

"Frog legs are disgusting," she muttered as she selected a blue Cruiser.

"What wath that?" asked the kamura-orc, who had followed her.

"It wath nothing," Wilhelmina replied, feeling very spiteful. Curse you, Karís Mâtiktwít, and curse your stupid show, too! she thought. Fortunately, Lûgnût approached the car, which kept the other Orc from asking any stupid questions.

"If you would please step into your chosen vehicle, your RET shall commence momentarily," he said mildly. Wilhelmina got into the car; the kamura-orc clambered into the passenger seat, and she tried to ignore him, as well as the fact that she was turning into an Orc herself. She looked out the window at Lûgnût, but all he did was glance at a clipboard and wave his hand in a noncommital direction. Wilhelmina took this to mean that she was supposed to prove that she could actually make the car function. She stepped on the gas and steered dangerously close to a kamuraman, who was forced to jump out of the way; this, however, might have been done on purpose.

In her rearview mirror, she could see Lûgnût beckoning for her to stop. She got out of the car as he approached. "Very good, very good," he said. "Please sign here," he said, handing her a small card with a hastily drawn sketch on it that looked like a stick figure with a large hat. "Now that you have your licence, you may depart and make for your destination."

"If you think I'm driving for a second time, you must be daft," she said, marching right past him towards Fléin's car, hoping he wouldn't mind taking a passenger.

[the phantom]

As Sai exited her car, Mardil came jogging up out of the fog. "Glad you could make it, Sai. Did you see..." Just then Mardil noticed the damage to Sai's car. "Well, my car has a leaky gas tank, but mine came that way. Yours- I don't remember it looking like that. Did you have a bit of trouble getting here?"

"I told you, I'm not a very experienced driver," said Sai. As she spoke, Mardil's TV crew came up behind him. "So, you didn't lose them?" asked Sai.

"We aren't supposed to lose them. If we purposefully lose them for long without their permission, they can appeal to Anakron to have one of our points removed. For your sake, I hope you didn't completely lose your crew, Sai." But Sai had not lost them. They pulled up behind her car as Mardil finished speaking.

Mardil stood thinking while Sai's crew got out of their van. "That damage on your car- did the cameras catch it?"

"I'm pretty sure they did. It was mostly in the parking lot where we started," said Sai.

"Good, good," said Mardil, nodding his head. "Hold on one second. I want to check your car's mileage." Mardil opened the door and peeked in quickly. "Very good. Now, let's get indoors out of this cold fog."

"Into this used car dealership?" asked Sai.

"Yes," said Mardil.

As soon as they entered, an overweight man who reeked of cigarette smoke greeted them. "Hello! Hello, my friends, and welcome to Big Neil’s Steal a Deal, where you can find the best deals on cars of all makes and models. We have-"

"Cut the spiel and let's deal, Neil," interrupted Mardil.

"Of course! Of course! Come on into my office, and we'll get started right away."

"Go on in and wait for me. I'll only be a minute," Mardil told the dealer. Mardil turned to Sai and whispered in her ear, "I'm going to get us a better vehicle."

"How?" she asked.

"I'm going to sell both of ours, and one of the TV crew's vans."

"Hey, you guyth," said Roger, the leader of the crew assigned to Mardil. "We can't heaw what you thayin', tho could you thpeak a wittle wouduh?"

"Leave us alone for two seconds, will you?" said Mardil. "After this, Sai is going to sit down and tell you her life story."

"But, I don't want-" said Sai, but Mardil continued.

"If you're going to follow us during our escape, you'll want to do a focus episode on each of us. Let today be your day to get the story behind Sai. She'll talk to you about her life while I talk to this salesman. And, seeing as my dealings won't be very interesting, this is a perfect time to focus on Sai. That sounds good, doesn't it?"

"Yeth, yeth- I think my both ith gonna wike that. Okay, cwew- evewybody thet up ovuh deh fo' da intevoo. Evewyone 'thept you," he said, pointing at a geeky looking orc with large glasses and pants pulled up to his belly button. "You thtay with Mawdiw."

While Roger was giving his orders, Mardil and Sai continued their conversation, each with a hand covering the microphones that were hanging down on their chests.

Sai spoke first. "How are you going to sell one of the vans?"

"I snatched the key out of the driver's pocket before you got here. Just don't tell anyone. Anyway, once I sell the vehicles, we'll have more than enough money to buy us something much better."

"Okay, that sounds good, I guess. Are you going to buy it here?"

"No, no. I'm going to buy a new one from down the street. But don't worry- it won't take me long. Just keep the crew with you. I'll get rid of my guy long enough to make a deal for the van, and then he can come with me to get our new vehicle. I'll be back with something good within thirty minutes." With that, Mardil turned and made his way towards Neil’s office with the geeky looking camera-orc in tow.

Neil welcomed Mardil into his office and sat down behind his desk. "Now then, you said you're feelin' like dealin'?"

"That is correct, I- oh, I completely forgot to get the keys to my Cruiser! They're out in the car. What's your name, orc?"

"Orckel, thir. Thteven Orckel," replied the nerdy orc.

"Orckel, I want you to go get my keys and bring them back. I can't remember where I left them- someplace in the vicinity of the front seat, I'm sure. I have to have the keys to hand over to this gentleman if I expect to sell him the car. Hurry up and get them for me!"

Orckel looked a bit unsure, so Mardil added, "I promise nothing interesting will happen in here while you are gone."

That was enough to convince the orc, and soon he and his camera were out the door. Mardil shut it behind him.

"Now that I've gotten rid of him, let's do some business," said Mardil, who was successfully shielding his microphone from sound as he spoke.

"What've you got?" asked Neil.

"I've got two PTCs, GT. A brand new one goes for just over 24,000 trolls. The ones I have aren't brand new, but they aren't too used either. They are both one year old and have ten thousand miles on them. The tires aren't the best, but they each have ten spares."

"Ten spares?!"

"Yes, so I think that makes up for the baldness. Now, one of them is a bit beat up, but it happened on the way here, so it may actually be more valuable that way."

"I'm not sure I follow you on that," said Neil.

"Well," said Mardil, "You know who we are, don't you?"

"Well, sure, everyone knows. You two are a couple of the escapees. I've been watching the coverage on television," answered Neil.

"Yes, and don't you think you could get more money for a vehicle that was driven by an escapee? I mean, you know this show is only going to get bigger and bigger. We'll be some of the biggest celebrities ever in Mordor."

"Well, yes, that is true- but how does that make the damage any better?"

"Don't you see?" said Mardil. "The damage adds some... how would you say it... color to the car. That damage actually happened on camera, and so the buyer will be able to show people the dents on the car and then show the clip of the show in which that dent was received. It really gives the car character."

"I suppose," admitted Neil.

"So anyway," continued Mardil, "What we have here is two cars that are only slightly used and have been driven by celebrities. You shouldn't have any trouble at all getting more than original price for these."

"Okay, so what are you wanting to sell them for?" asked Neil, getting straight to the point.

"Less than original price," answered Mardil. "Twenty-thousand trolls." Neil leaned back and stroked his chin. "And I'm in a hurry, Neil, so I'm not going to barter. Twenty-thousand is my price, and if you turn me down then I will go elsewhere, and someone else can have the distinction of owning a PTC that was featured in Escape From Mordor."

"Well, all right then, I'll take them both!" said Neil. He pulled a key out of his pocket and unlocked a safe behind the desk. Mardil watched him as he counted out 2,000 double dragons, but before he put the money back in the safe, Mardil piped up.

"How much for one of those vans out there? You can see they aren't very old, they have lots of equipment in them, and they helped to cover Escape From Mordor. How much would you give me for one?"

"Well," said Neil, "I suppose I could give you 15,000 trolls."

"Done!" said Mardil, flipping Neil the key to the van, as well as both of the keys to the Cruisers.

"I thought you sent that orc to find your key," said Neil as he counted out another 750 double dragons.

"I did," said Mardil with a chuckle. "Now, would you be kind enough to send some of your employees out and have them take that van someplace out of sight, and don't let anyone know you have it for a couple months?"

"I guess I could, but why?"

"Just do it as a favor to me. I've just given your dealership some business and some nice publicity, so you can do a favor for me, can't you?"

Neil grinned and winked at Mardil. "Of course I can do you a favor," he said, handing Mardil two very think stacks of double dragons, amounting to 55,000 trolls. Mardil checked them to make sure they weren't fakes (having grown up around lots of money, he could tell quite easily). But the money was legit, so he proceeded to find several different places to stick the money.

------------

"Tho, why awe we goin' hewe?" asked Orckel as he and Mardil walked in the door of a car dealership. "We alweady have cawth."

"No we don't. I sold our cars, and now I'm going to buy a new one," said Mardil.

------------

Ten minutes later, Mardil drove away behind the wheel of a Ford Explorer. As he drove, he thanked whoever it was who had assigned large vehicles to Mordor. Though the Explorer XLT usually went for around 28 or 29,000 orcs, Mardil convinced the dealer to let it go for 20,000 in exchange for allowing them to place a large bumper sticker on the vehicle advertising their dealership. They knew it would be seen by millions of television watchers and so was worth the price knock-off. They also threw in four spare tires, though they probably would not be needed as the dealership had, at Mardil's request, stuck their super tough Mordor-grade tires onto the SUV.

When Mardil arrived back at Neil’s Steal a Deal, he blew his horn until Sai and the tv crew emerged. After Sai was inside the vehicle, Mardil leaned over and whispered to her everything he had done. Sai was extremely pleased to learn that they had a better vehicle and were also 35,000 trolls richer.

Meanwhile, the tv crew was busy scanning the street for their van. Mardil rolled down his window. "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but I can't wait for you. I need to get on the road. I guess you'll all have to get into the van Sai's crew drove."

"But one of uth needth to wide with you guyth," said Roger.

"Don't be silly- we already have Orckel, and one camera-orc is quite enough." Mardil rolled his window up and turned to Sai. "Okay, first we'll stop by the starting point and I'll pick up my cloak. Then, we'll grab something quick to eat, and then- we're off to Mount Doom!"

------------

There was a knock at the Grand Anakronist's door. "Who is it?" he asked.

"Lûgnût, sir!"

"You may enter."

"Grand Anakronist," said Lûgnût as he entered, "Mardil and Sai just passed by the start point. It seems they sold their vehicles and bought a different one."

"Hmm, yes, I know. Very smart- very smart, indeed."

"Mardil threw this little bag at me when he drove past," said Lûgnût, tossing a small brown leather bag onto Anakron's desk. It landed with a heavy clinking sound. Attached to it was a note that read- To The Grand Anakronist- a small token of thanks for your help and advice.

Anakron opened the bag. Inside he found 5,000 trolls.

"Now there's a good noble man, no doubt about it," said Lûgnût.