The Hobbit Survivor

[Kuruharan]

His Imperial Majesty the Emperor Hongwu of the Great Ming Empire, Son of Heaven, Lord of Ten Thousand Years

To: The Pretentious Peasant styling himself Formendacil

His Majesty the Emperor has commanded me, His Imperial Majesty’s humble avatar bearer and lowly governor of this flyspeck of an island, to communicate to you a few pertinent points.

A) Your manner is unfit for communicating with His Imperial Majesty, it in fact being something of a capital offense.

I have taken the a name based on my conquests.

-and-

including any and all territories held by the Ming Dynasty. If you retain any titles at all, it is at my sufferage.

B) His Imperial Majesty somehow failed to notice your alleged troops knocking about His Imperial Majesty’s dominions any time in the past few centuries. Seeing as how His Imperial Majesty would miss nothing of the sort, His Imperial Majesty thinks that this is nothing more than a whole lot of arrogant bluster. (And it is “sufferance”, not “suffrage.” Unless you are pretending to bestow the right to vote. )

In the great tradition of my ancestors, the Kings of Gondor

C) His Imperial Majesty’s real empire was larger than the fictitious one that could ever be imputed to this barbarian land known as “Gondor.”

descended from Luthien- a claim no Dwarf or Easterling- however noble- can make

D) His Imperial Majesty is not particularly bothered that His Imperial Majesty literally rose from peasant straight to emperor. It means that His Imperial Majesty gained all from his accomplishments and did not gain it from a bunch of stuck-up useless slackers who had everything handed to them on a silver platter.

E) His Imperial Majesty seriously doubts that you even possess a proper style and title or could present it fittingly.

F) His Imperial Majesty is pleased to point out that His Imperial Majesty’s portrait makes a really spiffy avatar. His Imperial Majesty doubts that you even possess a portrait in your supposed regal regalia. And even if you did it wouldn’t make a really spiffy avatar.

G) His Imperial Majesty created some pretty potent alliteration based on the letter “p” earlier in this message.

In my eyes, he will (if he goes) leave with his (gnarled and warty) head held high.

At least until it is cut off in the fifth of the Five Punishments.