ATM II RPG

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The hole in the wall was defiantly not big enough for Smilog, and certainly not big enough for Tollin. Anakron walked out of the lab, casually ignoring the existence of Smilog but giving a nod to the large figure of Tollin, whose shadow was cast over the whole area. Or was it. There was far too much shadow around to be natural. There was only one explanation.

"How long have you been standing there, Roggie?" said Tollin, looking at the Balrog as he sat on the floor reading a newspaper entitled 'The Daily Death', it carried a large picture of Mount doom and Roggie out side it. The headline was 'Greatest Balrog ever?'. It was clear that Roggie (or someone who liked him) controlled the Mordor media.

"Oh, a few minuets," he said, "I've seen you walk by here at least three times. That dwarf's sense of direction is about as reliable as an Orc's food not to be poisonous." Tollin rolled his eyes and then explained the situation, Roggie pondered it for a moment, then decided he had nothing better to do and so decided to see how it would play out.

"Now," said Smilog, "Tollin can use his mighty horns to make this hole larger, then we can investigate the path."

"What happens if the Mountain starts to move while we're on the side?" asked Roggie, "Won't we be knocked off?" they pondered this for a moment, and then Smilog produced three small axes from his pack.

"If it does," said the dwarf, "we can hold on with these, I would hope." Roggie punched Smilog across the face for no apparent reason that he could think of.

"Good idea," he said, "lets get to it!" Tollin scrapped away with his horns until there was a nice big hole. The Minotaur went first, followed by Roggie, who knocked Smilog to the ground, almost not knowing why he did it. Just as Smilog was about to climb down, he heard the screams of Panakeia. Typical Mordor, he thought and rolled his eyes.

[Diamond18]

Skittle grinned maliciously and advanced upon the trapped Panakeia. She deftly whipped three extra switchblades from her pockets and snapped them open in unison. Panakeia reached a particularly high note. Skittles paused to juggle the switchblades and asked, "Are you sure you don't believe?"

Panakeia paused screaming long enough to gulp, "I will not forsake the Captain!"

"Okay then." Skittles sent the switchblades slinging towards the helpless older woman. Swoosh thump (repeat 4x) went each blade as they miraculously landed in such a way as to pin the corners of Panakeia's dress to the floor (which was, oddly enough, made of corkboard.)

"You wish to torture me before you kill me, then?" cried Panakeia.

"I'm like a cat that way." Skittles knelt beside her. "But I'm giving you one more chance to believe before I do you in like I did in ol' Nuglut."

"Don't delay, slay right away!" said RoboSkitt, as she did jumping jacks.

"N-no, wait, I'm t-thinking," Panakeia held up one hand. She thought hard. How could she stay alive without betraying the Captain? She thought back to what Anakron had done -- claimed to believe without really believing. But could she do the same? Should she? Would the Captain understand? Surely He, in His infinite greatness, would not hold a little self preservation against her... would He?

"Alright, I believe," she lied, crossing her fingers behind her back.

Skittles raised an eyebrow. "Mmmmm, are you sure you're not just saying that so I won't slit you from bellybutton to clavicle?"

"Oh no indeed. Um, I'm, er, just so in awe of.... that." Panakeia jerked her head towards the robot (who was now attempting to lick the soles of its feet) and smiled stiffly.

"Spectacular," said Skittles, and pulled the switchblades out, flicking them shut. "We can serve RoboSkitt 2000™ together!"

"Great...."

Skittles helped her untangle her dress and they stood, facing the contorted robot. "Shall we now go forward and slay all non-believers together?" Skittles asked.

"What? Oh, sure. But first get me some coffee, two sugars."

"You can't drink coffee, you're a robot," Skittles protested.

"I'm a Goddess, I can do anything. Get me some coffee or I will slay you for being a disobedient minion."

Skittles snorted. "Yeah, right, like that's gonna happen. What are you gonna do, strangle me with your bikini top?"

Panakeia looked between both Skittles shrewdly, her mind working in such a logical way that whatisname would be proud. She saw that Skittles' newfound devotion to her robot Goddess was at war with her natural independence. Perhaps while the two Skitts argued she could slip out unnoticed....

"Do not mock me, mere human!" said RoboSkitt, stepping in front of the doorway. "You are flesh and bones whilst I am, like, totally indestructible," she thumped her chest. "Hear me roar!"

"Yes, Goddess, I am sorry I questioned you," said Skittles, dropping to one knee and bowing her head. "I must do your bidding."

"Ya got that right. Now, I'm making a new proclamation! All flesh-bags must die and robots must rule Middle-earth. You must slay all carbon based lifeforms in my name!"

"That's illogical!" Panakeia protested in horror. "Skittles, you yourself are carbon based and you must not listen to this mad machine!"

"In order to truly serve RoboSkitt 2000™ I must commit hara-kiri with my own switchblade," Skittles said, looking thoughtfully at the knife in her hand. "Which seems rather annoying."

"I will not let this mockery of a humanoid form destroy all mankind," said Panakeia. "I will go get her coffee so that when she drinks it she will explode." She turned to the robot. "Step aside so I can go fetch you some nice coffee, yes?"

RoboSkitt shook her head and leveled a malicious gaze at Panakeia with her one good eye. "I no longer desire coffee, I only desire death and destruction."

Panakeia quickly deserted that plan and turned back to Skittles. "I have an idea." She smiled, convinced this idea was spoken to her mind by the voice of the Captain himself. "You and RoboSkitt must engage in a one-on-one battle to determine who is more worthy, man or machine."

Skittles gave it some thought, but before she could answer, RoboSkitt said, "I have grown tired of this tedious discourse, and when RoboSkitt is tired, RoboSkitt is angry!" Then, right before their eyes, she lifted her hands and lo! they converted to giant, gleaming steel scissors.

"Oh no," said Skittles. "She has been upgraded to RoboSkitt Scissorhands 2000™! I wonder when that happened!"

"Die, humans, die!" RSS 2000™ cried, advancing upon them with superhuman speed, waving her scissors and cackling madly.

Skittles and Panakeia fled from the room, screaming. They passed Igör in the hall, and when RSS 2000™ sped after, Igör began to regret choosing the Abby Normal brain.

[Celuien]

"Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh!" The sound of Panakeia's shrieking echoed down the hall. Absorbed in her screaming, she failed to notice Igör. Her heels met his toes with a crunch. Without stopping to apologize, she kept running. She had to. RoboSkitt was angry.

"This is your fault," she gasped to Skittles. "Why couldn't you have let Anakron's handiwork stand?"

"Are you doubting the might and magnificance of RoboSkitt?"

With her fingers firmly crossed, Panakeia replied, "No."

"Die, humans, die!" The refrain from RoboSkitt was insistent.

But this was ridiculous. Panakeia, follower of Kirk, she who had once held the Captain's toupee in her hands, was being pursued by a malfunctioning robot. It was not to be borne.

She stopped and deliberately faced the raging machine.

"Listen to this, RoboSkitt.

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream."

RoboSkitt stopped. "That is illogical. Life is not a dream." The gears in her head spun audibly.

"Yes, that's right. Good RoboSkitt. I'm lying. Life is not a dream. I never tell the truth. Believe me when I tell you that I always lie."

"Illogical, illogical." Smoke began to pour out of the robot's ears.

Panakeia grinned. "To be logical is to be illogical. Logic is a little tweeting bird chirping in a meadow. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell bad."

RoboSkitt's stared blankly into space. "Processing, processing. Bzzt." She froze, pondering the infinite illogic and contradictory nature of Panakeia's statements, and her scissorhands dropped.

Panakeia's smile now stretched from ear to ear. Spockú would be proud of her. "You may fix RoboSkitt if you like. Just a logic circuit or two blown, I'd imagine. But I wouldn't recommend it. Seek the Captain! Join the Federation! Remember what I've said. Bye now."

Leaving Skittles to tend to her robot double and goddess, Panakeia triumphantly glid down the hall. Spotting a guard, she inquired if the Grand Anakronist had been seen. Anakron, she was told, had stepped outside. The guard pointed her to an exit.

She followed in Anakron's footsteps and stepped onto the hot sand of Mâl-in-Bû. Anakron couldn't be too far away. He didn't have that much of a head start.

Left or right?

Panakeia heard the noise of a fight to her left. With a sigh, she decided Anakron must have gone that way. She headed towards the disturbance, hoping to find him before he could cause anymore problems.

[Diamond18]

"Wow," said Skittles, inspecting the deactivated robot. "The total incongruity of my robot double giving one twat about logic bears a certain irony that is not lost on me!"

"Huh?" quoth Igör eloquently, shuffling up beside her. He had found that when he scuffed his feet along the floor, he could zap things with his finger, and thought a moment about giving Skittles a shock, then thought better of it.

"Simply put -- that brain we put in the robot really was whack, because prior to the brain transplant RoboSkitt 2000™ would have been completely unfazed by all things illogical. Like me. Ergo, the Abby Normal brain must have had a susceptibility to logicitis. Yet, I still feel compelled to worship her. Perhaps it was whack in a divine sort of way. Or, perhaps, divinity itself is whack?"

"Huh. Do you want to repair it again?"

Skittles shook her head. "Nah. I find her easier to worship when inert, actually. I think I'll just put little wheels on her feet and roll her around with me."

"How are you going to worship her?" Igör asked, his curiosity getting the better of him despite a niggling suspicion that he didn't really want to know.

"Well, first, I'll declare today RoboSkitt Day, and make it a government holiday, so that in the future all government agencies can close for the day and retailers can make a profit off of it by selling various themed items. I like that idea better than slaying all organic life forms."

"That's a relief."

"Then, I'll find an attractive place to set up a monument to RoboSkitt. Or maybe I could just drill rivets through her feet and set her up as a monument.... At any rate, I will then build a shrine around the monument and people can come to pray and leave money in a holy hat or sacred open guitar case in order to worship, and I will collect said funds as Chief High Priestess of RoboSkitt, of course."

"You've been giving this a lot of thought."

"No, actually, I'm just saying it as it comes into my head."