New Movie Script

[lothlorien]

I wrote a new part

Gandalf: Quick to battle and certain death everyone (Gandalf rides towards the outer defenses. And sees everyone is reluctant to do what he says)

Gandalf: What’s wrong with you people you act like you’ve never had an assault on Mina’s Tirith before

Soldier: They’re a bit down sir

Gandalf: Down. There isn’t time to be down we…I mean you have to fight

Random soldier: Sir maybe if you gave the men a pep talk

Gandalf: Right then now I know some of you might be a bit concerned about dying because we’re seriously outnumbered. Well you should be. but what you have to remember is that we’re the good guys we’re not meant to die

Boromir: I did

Gandalf: Well most of us. He’s the exception…wait he’s not even dead (Boromir coughs nervously)

Boromir: Um yes I am

Gandalf: Come on to the wall defend the wall. *points in the opposite direction* you know it’s over there

(the soldiers reluctantly get up and go to defend the wall, there are a couple of seconds with soldiers and civilians rushing about in confusion.)

Gandalf: Return to your posts!

(He reaches the outer wall, and sees the oncoming army.)

Gandalf: WHOA that’s a big army, how am I supposed to win against all that?. Oh well I’ll improvise

(The Gondorian soldiers begin hurling large rocks and pieces of buildings towards the Orcs with trebuchets.)

Gothmog: Stay where you are, we’ve seen scarier things at home.

Soldier: Watch out! (A rock flies towards the outer wall, flinging several people off of the wall.)

Gandalf: Oohh that had to hurt

Soldier: Down to the lower level. Quick!

(One flung rock comes hurtling towards Gothmog, who having taken dance classes earlier in life neatly leaps aside at the last minute. Suddenly he realized all the orcs were staring at him in disbelief, He spat on it and the battle continues as normal)

Soldier: Did you see what I did

Gandalf: Yes I give him a 9.5

Soldier: Right

(The Nazgûl on their fell beasts then arrive, and strike terror in the hearts of the Gondorian soldiers, by picking up random Men and dropping them. Pippin appears, holding his ears with his hands, to block out the sound of the Nazgûl cries.)

(Gandalf yells at the warring soldiers)

Gandalf: Don’t get discouraged now. Keep fighting strong, Stay where you are


Gandalf: Hold them back. Do not give into fear! Stay at your posts!

Gandalf: Oohh those things, hit those um what do you call them? Big things, they move

(The siege towers are nearly at the wall.)

Soldier: Siege towers

Gandalf: No although they’re big too

Soldier: (nervously) Uhh trolls

Gandalf: That’s it. trolls, hit them

(The archers aim for the indicated target, they fire and miss, a mass of arrows go awry and hits a random lot of orcs)

Gandalf: (to the archers) Not at the towers. Aim for the Trolls! Kill the Trolls!

(The siege towers connect with the walls, and Orcs begin swarming in. Gandalf sees Pippin coming down the stairs towards him.)

Gandalf: Fool of a took go back to the Citadel! Let me handle this

Pippin: They called us out to fight

(An Orc heads towards Pippin, and Gandalf heads it off, killing it.)

Gandalf: This is not the place for you, nor any hobbit. Do as I say

(The Wizard fights off several more Orcs, but one comes up behind him while he is busy fighting another Orc. Pippin stabs the Orc just as it is going to hit Gandalf.)

Gandalf turns and upon seeing the Orc lets out a loud girly scream)

Pippin: I killed it

Gandalf: Oh uh right ahem, Guard of the Citadel indeed. Now, back! Up the hill! Quickly! Quick!

(Huge creatures pull the massive battering ram, Grond, towards Minas Tirith. It is shaped like a giant wolf, with flames licking inside its mouth.)

Armies of Sauron: (chanting) Pizza, pizza, pizza (orc general scratches his head in confusion)

General: I don’t think that’s the right chant, try again

Armies of Sauron: (chanting) Grond! Grond! Grond!

General: Ah that’s the one

(Gandalf looks down from the wall with great concern.

Gandalf: Oh this can’t be good

Well that’s it from me the next part should be back with Frodo and Gollum

[Oddwen]

Only seven months later...that's not too bad, right? Er... >.>

Scene: The Three Walkers are standing, smugly prepared to board the entire Corsair fleet.

)p)p)p)p)p)p)p)p)p)p)p)

*Aragorn and Gimli stand at the shoreline, staring at Legolas who is floating upside down in the air*

Gimli: Is there really any need for that?

Legolas: You should try it sometime. It's quite restful.

KotD*whining*: Can I put him down now?

Aragorn: Hmm...*he strokes Anduril*...I guess so.

*KotD throws Legolas on the ground and stalks back to the rest of the Dead*

Legolas: Ouch! Well, that undid any possible bit of good that could possibly have been good.

Aragorn(to the Corsairs): You may go no further. You may not enter Gondor.

*The Corsairs pause for a moment before bursting out into loud, ribald, jocular and fruity laughs.*

Captain: And, pray tell, who are you to order us about?

Bosun: Why are we even talking to them? Why don't we just shoot them now?

Captain: No...I feel a need to talk to them.

Bosun: By "need," do you mean a trifling need? Fleeting? As in, say, a passing fancy?

Captain: No, a resolute and unyielding need.

*Legolas finds himself staring at the wheelman, for his stupid, ugly, girlish, stupid, posing, scrawny, stupid, hammish, and perpetually befuddled face looks familiar*

Aragorn: Legolas, fire a warning past the bosun's ear.

*Legolas takes aim, but at the last second Gimli whacks him in the kneecap with the flat of his axe. Legolas screams and misses the bosun entirely, smacking the wheelman smack in the heart*

Wheelman: Aiiaghh!

Bosun: Nice Wilhelm.

Wheelman: ...thanks...*dies*

The Crew(advancing toward the wheelman): Part of the ship, part of the crew, part of the ship, part of the crew...

Captain: None of that now.

The Crew: Fine.

Aragorn: Dangit...try again, Pansy, and don't kill anyone this time.

*Legolas, through his tears and above his blubbering, fires another shot into the Corsairs, this time hitting the captain square between the eyes*

Captain: You will always remember this as the time you almost killed Captain Ja-*dies*

Aragorn(visibly upset): What is WRONG with you?? You're an elf, your aim is supposed to be perfect! I don't know why I continue traveling with you!

Gimli: Aragorn carries a heavy burden...Gimli knows. The elf...he's always watching. He wants your necklace...very soon he will ask you for it...he will try to take it from you...

Aragorn: Huh? Anyway. Goodbye foul Corsairs, we are going to kill you.

Bosun: You and whose army?? Heh, I've always wanted to say that...not cheesy and overused and out-of-place at all...

Aragorn*whispering*: This army.

Bosun: What?

Aragorn: This army.

*all the Corsairs lean forward in the boat* What?

Aragorn: This army.

Corsairs: WHAT??

KotD & the Dead: BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!

Corsairs: AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!

Gimli(jumping up and clapping): Yay! Yippee! Oh, the carnage! I want that ship for mine! No, I want that ship!

Legolas(clutching his leg): Which one has the new kneecaps on it?

Aragorn(to the retreating Dead): Where do you think you're going?

KotD: To rest, of course. We fulfilled our oath.

Aragorn: Nu-uh. Nothing doing. Do you expect us three to ride on to the city alone? Hah! Maybe if I had, oh, say, thirty-odd of my stout, studly, stubbly kinsmen and a couple more elves by my side to fight, but I ain't letting you go just yet.

*the Dead sag and moan, but Aragorn waves Anduril threateningly, and they slump toward the boats*

(p(p(p(p(p(p(p(p(p(p(

And the next scene is: Frodo and Gollum entering Cirith Ungol.

[Oddwen]

Only five months...that's even more of an improvement...sorta...


-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Scene: Frodo and Gollum entering Cirith Ungol

Frodo: *pant pant* That was a LOT of stairs, Smeagol.

Gollum: Good things that we had that stair-master in our dark, deep pool under the mountains, gollum!

Frodo: *wheeze* Not sure leaving Sam behind was such a good idea now, he could have carried me that last mile...

Gollum: Oh no, you made the right choice, Master. Unless we coulds have pushed him off of this ledge here...but enough! Master must go inside the tunnel. You knows, precious, in order to come out the other side where you wishes to be.

Frodo: Now that I'm here, I'm not sure I want to go in.

Gollum: *facepalm* Really, Master? After those ten miles of stairs? You couldn't have changed your mind during that? This is the only way. There is no going back!

Frodo: I can't go back.

Gollum: Thanksss you, Master Obviouses. Gollum!

Frodo: Eugh! What's that smell?

Gollum: Well Master, you haven't been in any enclosed spaces in a while, and baths have been few and far between...nice baths! Hey, I haves an idea - RUN THIS WAY!

*Gollum scampers off, cackling and giggling. He ducks down a tiny side tunnel and peers back the way he came*

Gollum: *muttering* You'll see, precious, you'll see!

Frodo: See what?

Gollum: Ahh! Uh, Master, what...

Frodo: You're not trying to lose me, are you Smeagol? You didn't forget that I'm a Hobbit and used to live in Brandy Hall, a Hobbit hole which makes this place look like a ditch, did you?

Gollum: Uhh, err, no of course not, nice Master...let's...continue, then...

*Meanwhile, back down several long, long miles of stairs...*

Sam: *sniffling* Poor Mister Frodo, poor skinny Gamgee...whoops!

*Samwise slips, and plummets twenty miles to his death!! Oh no wait, he catches himself on a handy step. Go figure*

Sam: What's this? The elven bread! Yum! *scarfscarf*

*Sam eats the lembas bread, and flexes his muscles to show off his anchor tattoo. He leaps back up the stairs two at a time crying...*

"I'm Samwise the Gardener Hobbit!
I'm Samwise the Gardener Hobbit!
Not a warrior elf,
Or a filthy handed tark,
I'm Samwise the Gardener Hobbit!"

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

That's all I'm good for right now - the next scene would be the fight with Shelob. See you in three months.

[Oddwen]

Hurrah, right on schedule! *

^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^

Scene: Frodo and Gollum traversing Cirith Ungol.

*Frodo and Gollum have been traversing the paths of Cirith Ungol for some hours*

Frodo: ...and that's when I kissed a cake of soap. I say, Smeagol, shouldn't we be out of these tunnels by now?

Gollum: No no master, we're not out yet, not by long shotsss!

Frodo: Well, it's only that we've been travelling in a circle, you see. According to my Hobbit senses, we should take this tunnel and we would come outside in a matter of minutes.

Gollum: Oh no, massster, just a bit more this way and we'll come out! (I hopes!)

Frodo: Well forget that. I'll just pull my handy Phial out of my pocket, and...good eatings, it's sticky! What is it?? Oh, just some gum. I knew I still had it somewhere...

Voice of Galadriel: And to you, Ringbearer, I give the light of Earendil, our most beloved star. May it be a light for you when all other lights go out.

Frodo: Agh!

Gollum: Shhhh, precious, not so loud!

Orc Voice: Did you 'ear that? It came from this way!

Orc Voice 2: Yeah, we've caught something in the Circle Tunnel Trap!

Orc Voice: Something female!! Let's get it!

Gollum: Master?

Frodo: Yes?

Gollum: I'm wearing a skirt.

Frodo & Gollum: AAAAGH! *they run*

*they run*

*they run*

*they run*

Frodo: Smeagol, this way?

Gollum: Oh, right!

*they run*

*finally, they enter the less-dimly lit outside, the beginnings of the land of Mordor. Frodo is exultant, thinking that he lost their pursuit*

Frodo(skipping ahead): WHEE! YIPPEE! I'M IN MORDORRRR!

Gollum: Finally he's distracted, precious. Time enough at last for our Last Dalliance!

*Gollum turns to go, but as he turns his thick glasses fall off and break on the stones. He weeps and cries how it's not fair...no no wait, he creeps down into a hole in the rocks*

Frodo(surveying the cold, harsh lands, jumping up and down and clapping): Yippee! The hardest part of the journey is over! Yay! Woo...oh, hello Sam! Welcome back!

Samwise: Hello, Mister Frodo! Say, did you know you could be heard from a mile away?

Frodo: Oh, oops. Well, I wasn't shouting anything important. It shouldn't matter.

*a huge spider falls on his head*

Sam: AAUGH! Eww! I'm coming Mr. Frodo, I'm *gack*

Gollum: Stupid fast hobbit! But I've got you now *gack*

Sam: *gack*

Gollum: *gack!*

Sam: *gack!*

Gollum: *gack!*

Sam: HIIII-YA!


^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^

* Well, I've had this half-scene typed up for a week without posting it - I don't know where to go with it so I'll post it and maybe someone can get some use out of it, or I can come back to it.

The next scenes, unless you wish to re-do this one, are the Rohirrim coming nearer to Gondor, and the Pyre of Denethor.

[Oddwen]

Three years and five months later, Oddwen enters the scene.

She hasn't seen the movies in a very very long time.

Think this'll be finished before it's time to do The New Hobbit script?

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

EE: The Rohirrim prepare for battle.

Eomer: Our scouts are back. Minas Tirith is surrounded and the first two levels are on fire.

Theoden: Thus it was truly said, "Thye wymmen and chyldrene fyrste".

Eomer: Ooooookay. One more thing to utterly change when I am king. The enemy is advancing.

Eowyn: Do not worry, Merry. It will soon be over.

Merry: *re-re-re-counting his ammunition rounds* Huh? Oh, yeah, with this baby at my side it will be. *patpat* So um, you're like pretty and stuff? And like, everyone likes you, and I know I'm just a hobbit...and there may be no hope for a lot of people in the following days. If I were a knight of Rohan, I'd ride my brave, unwashed self to the rescue of my friends...

Eowyn: Uh, you're not my type.

Merry: What?

Eomer: Hey Eoreds, are you ready to rock?

Eoreds: YEAH!!

Eomer: Are you ready to roll?

Eoreds: YEAH!!!!

Eomer: Are you ready to rock and roll?

Eoreds: YEAHHHHH!!!!

Eomer: Then let's gooo!

(All Eoreds begin to rock back and forth and roll around on the ground. Eomer is confused)

Theoden: ...yeah, they'll do that. Don't ever tell them that again. All right then Eoreds, listen up! NO! SLEEP! TIL GONDOR!

(The Eoreds get up and look at each other horsishly [they know nothing of sheep] and get ready to move out)

Eowyn: Welp. To battle!

Merry(relishing the words): At last, to battle! MWA-HA-HA-HA!

And not bothering to stifle his maniacal laughter, he mounts up behind Eowyn and rides off into the dark.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

The next scene would be the Pyre of Denethor.