*The Barrow-Downs Official Birthday Newspaper* - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Oddwen · 05-02-2007, 03:27 PM

The Argonath: The Awesome-Tastic Namarie Tour
by Alfredo Norman "Pickles" McSpankypants-Winthorpe of Long Grange South III Jr.

This evening marked the ninetieth stop of the band "The Argonath" on their farewell tour, ineptly titled "We Are More Awesome-Tasticular Than You!". The antics of the band were many and varied, ranging from the physically disturbing to the mentally deranged, and every shade in between.

The opening act Sgt. Saucie's Shiny Pan Club Band was a hit amongst the kiddies, playing their bawdy and jolly tune "We All Post On A Green and Black Forum" five times in succession, changing merely the tempo in an attempt to hack it.

Finally, the headlining band took the stage, and began their ninetieth stop on the tour with a bang as the guitarist fell off the stage. Nine helpful people set him back upright, and sheepishly, almost cajolingly, they opened with their hit "I Can Stand Up Better Than You, Dumbface".

The police were called in fifteen seperate and distinct times, but the same number of times were beaten back by walls of sound and strange nearly-invisible creatures summoned by the lead singer with the blood of one of their fans and their guitarist's "special" guitar, which looked more to this reporter like a sacrificial knife, as it had no amplifier cord. Or strings.

"I'm baffled," confessed Mme. Oromin Uialwen loudly. "I came here because it was supposed to be the most fan-tastic-abular thing ever, but I never expected for them to steal my blood! I want my mommy and a tourniquet!"

"We're baffled," shouted an irate policeman, the name of which we did not catch as he could not seem to yell very loudly with smashed bass guitar around his neck. "We keep getting more and more people with missing limbs down at the station - and I for one am getting suspicious."

The band, which consists of two grey statues with one uplifted arm each, played for several hours, in which time seven people collapsed from blood loss. Only once was their magnanimous performance interrupted, when a man leapt with superhuman strength onto the stage and attempted to wrest a guitar from one of the backup players and play it. It took eight men and D.C.I. Lalwende, but finally the man was dragged offstage. We were not able to get a name.

The Argonath's arguably biggest hit ever "Flood Posting" began with a creschendo of kazoos building up a wave of sound that flattened nearby mountains, and ended with a buzzing of pipes and small squashed frogs went over very well, even bringing tears to a few eyes.

"It was beautiful," sobbed a Mr. Elf Warrior. "I've loved this band ever since their first album came out, and I watch all of their shows. I have all of their albums. I cut pictures out of magazines. I take newspapers and clip the letters out of them to spell their names and paste them on my walls. I quit my job to see this show." Mr. Warrior then ran off towards the stage and began to mosh uncontrollably, and violently.

The musical talents of The Argonath are undeniable, mostly due to the fact that their drummer has six legs and is able to play both percussion and a gramaphone simultaneously. Most of the fans whom we asked were not overly adverse to this physical deformity, indeed the drummer seemed to be much loved and coddled over as a young child's teddy bear never was.

"Hubba hubba," we quote from a young lady named Diamond18.

But every six-legged drummer has their enemies, as is evidenced by our next quote from a one-legged moderator named Norman. Or Mormegil. We couldn't hear anything and are making a lot of this up.

"This is outrageous," said Mormegil. "I donated my leg to a very reputable charity in the assurance that it would go to a small cute child, and there it is on a troublesome stone drummer! The authorities shall hear of this!" At this Mr. Mormegil began approaching the stage, but at the same moment a nearly invisible creature grabbed him and dragged him screaming into a newly opened crevasse in the earth.

At this point, this reporter was overcome by the weed smoked by the hobbit next to me, and my notes are all muddled. From my horrible handwriting and the smears of blood, it appears that as the guitarist began the long and occult-sounding riff at the beginning of "Balrog Wings/Balrogs Don't Have Wings", a portal of some sort opened above the stage and many people were sucked therin. Here my words end, save for fragments such as "horrible", "suffer", and "We cannot get out".

And after this, all this humble reporter can say is to go see The Argonath on tour if you possibly can, you will not regret it.

Signing off to bind my arm and clip letters out of this newspaper to spell my new favorite band's name with,
Your Friend
"Pickles" McSpankypants.

The Might · 05-03-2007, 12:10 PM

The Downer managed to acquire another picture, which proves beyond doubt the existence of a link between the Cat Mafia with the Corleone family.
Also, yesterday one of Serious' long time cat friends was found badly injured in a dark alley. Coincidence? We think not...

piosenniel · 05-03-2007, 02:13 PM

From the 'Classifieds'

Come on down if you got the notion!

* Party at the Bird and Baby *

Happy BD, B-D

Bêthberry · 05-03-2007, 08:17 PM

The Downer has exhaustively examined these allegations of feline fellonies and the disappearance of Serious Cat. Crack investigative reporter, Fedora Cat, seen below, has produced the following report.

Fedora Cat:

Notwithstanding that it is extremely difficult to infiltrate the secret society of Cafia, it is still possible to ascertain some information of the actions and behaviours of the members of this secret society that threatens to overrun the Downs. First of all, we find a definite predilection for playing not pianos, but violins.

However, these musical instruments are a ruse to hide the most violent forms of assault known in this country. Here is the formerly peaceful violin-playing cat showing his true colours:

Yet even more nefarious are those feline fellons behind the scene who engage in the worst sort of conspiracy against the happily Dead. I refer to those planners, the catsigliori, who mastermind the overtaking of the barrow:

Thankfully, however, all was not lost in this case. The Downs can commend DCI Eomer of Scotland Yardarm for his swift action in uncovering this cell by the efficient caterwauling of his national musical instrument.

The Downs remains a safe barrow in which to celebrate another day.

Oddwen · 05-03-2007, 09:16 PM

To our reader(s):

It is a great occasion that we write you on; the birthday of a most illustrious forum dedicated to an illustrious and wonderful work, and also another anniversary to be celebrated, namely, the Coming of Age of our Great and now Official newspaper.

We wished to take this moment to beg a boon of our reader(s). While our policy has always been "We'll Print Anything Vaguely Interesting We Get In The Mail, All Of It, No Really We Mean Anything", we take great pains to not run the same story twice (without changing a few names, anyway).

In short, the phantom, will you please stop sending us six pages a week reading nothing but "The Lord Of The Rings And I Are Awesome". We will never get anywhere (important or controversial enough) by continuously stating the obvious.

Thank you,
The Editor

Durelin · 05-06-2007, 02:52 PM

Woopsies, forgot: The original putting Leonidas' head on that particular cat was not done by me.

Bêthberry · 05-06-2007, 07:25 PM

To: Editor
From: Fedora Cat
Subject: Mewlitzer Prizes

Chief,

The quality of submissions to the Downer of late has been substantial, so substantial that the acclamation of Newspaper of the Year seems an inadequate designation.

Has our publisher initiated any contacts with potential patrons who could underwrite Mewlitzer Prizes as awards for the outstanding contributions to journalism which our writers clearly merit?

Clearly, who would have thought that flogging a Serious cat could produce humour?

Yours,
a cryptic 'ora

05-02-2007, 03:27 PM	#1
Oddwen Drummer in the Deep Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Next Sunday A.D. Posts: 2,145	Too much fun. The Argonath: The Awesome-Tastic Namarie Tour by Alfredo Norman "Pickles" McSpankypants-Winthorpe of Long Grange South III Jr. This evening marked the ninetieth stop of the band "The Argonath" on their farewell tour, ineptly titled "We Are More Awesome-Tasticular Than You!". The antics of the band were many and varied, ranging from the physically disturbing to the mentally deranged, and every shade in between. The opening act Sgt. Saucie's Shiny Pan Club Band was a hit amongst the kiddies, playing their bawdy and jolly tune "We All Post On A Green and Black Forum" five times in succession, changing merely the tempo in an attempt to hack it. Finally, the headlining band took the stage, and began their ninetieth stop on the tour with a bang as the guitarist fell off the stage. Nine helpful people set him back upright, and sheepishly, almost cajolingly, they opened with their hit "I Can Stand Up Better Than You, Dumbface". The police were called in fifteen seperate and distinct times, but the same number of times were beaten back by walls of sound and strange nearly-invisible creatures summoned by the lead singer with the blood of one of their fans and their guitarist's "special" guitar, which looked more to this reporter like a sacrificial knife, as it had no amplifier cord. Or strings. "I'm baffled," confessed Mme. Oromin Uialwen loudly. "I came here because it was supposed to be the most fan-tastic-abular thing ever, but I never expected for them to steal my blood! I want my mommy and a tourniquet!" "We're baffled," shouted an irate policeman, the name of which we did not catch as he could not seem to yell very loudly with smashed bass guitar around his neck. "We keep getting more and more people with missing limbs down at the station - and I for one am getting suspicious." The band, which consists of two grey statues with one uplifted arm each, played for several hours, in which time seven people collapsed from blood loss. Only once was their magnanimous performance interrupted, when a man leapt with superhuman strength onto the stage and attempted to wrest a guitar from one of the backup players and play it. It took eight men and D.C.I. Lalwende, but finally the man was dragged offstage. We were not able to get a name. The Argonath's arguably biggest hit ever "Flood Posting" began with a creschendo of kazoos building up a wave of sound that flattened nearby mountains, and ended with a buzzing of pipes and small squashed frogs went over very well, even bringing tears to a few eyes. "It was beautiful," sobbed a Mr. Elf Warrior. "I've loved this band ever since their first album came out, and I watch all of their shows. I have all of their albums. I cut pictures out of magazines. I take newspapers and clip the letters out of them to spell their names and paste them on my walls. I quit my job to see this show." Mr. Warrior then ran off towards the stage and began to mosh uncontrollably, and violently. The musical talents of The Argonath are undeniable, mostly due to the fact that their drummer has six legs and is able to play both percussion and a gramaphone simultaneously. Most of the fans whom we asked were not overly adverse to this physical deformity, indeed the drummer seemed to be much loved and coddled over as a young child's teddy bear never was. "Hubba hubba," we quote from a young lady named Diamond18. But every six-legged drummer has their enemies, as is evidenced by our next quote from a one-legged moderator named Norman. Or Mormegil. We couldn't hear anything and are making a lot of this up. "This is outrageous," said Mormegil. "I donated my leg to a very reputable charity in the assurance that it would go to a small cute child, and there it is on a troublesome stone drummer! The authorities shall hear of this!" At this Mr. Mormegil began approaching the stage, but at the same moment a nearly invisible creature grabbed him and dragged him screaming into a newly opened crevasse in the earth. At this point, this reporter was overcome by the weed smoked by the hobbit next to me, and my notes are all muddled. From my horrible handwriting and the smears of blood, it appears that as the guitarist began the long and occult-sounding riff at the beginning of "Balrog Wings/Balrogs Don't Have Wings", a portal of some sort opened above the stage and many people were sucked therin. Here my words end, save for fragments such as "horrible", "suffer", and "We cannot get out". And after this, all this humble reporter can say is to go see The Argonath on tour if you possibly can, you will not regret it. Signing off to bind my arm and clip letters out of this newspaper to spell my new favorite band's name with, Your Friend "Pickles" McSpankypants. __________________ But all the while I sit and think of times there were before I listen for returning feet and voices at the door Last edited by Oddwen; 05-02-2007 at 03:32 PM.

05-03-2007, 02:13 PM	#3
piosenniel Desultory Dwimmerlaik Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Pickin' flowers with Bill the Cat..... Posts: 7,779	From the 'Classifieds' Come on down if you got the notion! * Party at the Bird and Baby * Happy BD, B-D __________________ Eldest, that’s what I am . . . I knew the dark under the stars when it was fearless - before the Dark Lord came from Outside.

05-03-2007, 08:17 PM	#4
Bêthberry Cryptic Aura Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 6,003	St. Barrow's Day Massacre Averted The Downer has exhaustively examined these allegations of feline fellonies and the disappearance of Serious Cat. Crack investigative reporter, Fedora Cat, seen below, has produced the following report. Fedora Cat: Notwithstanding that it is extremely difficult to infiltrate the secret society of Cafia, it is still possible to ascertain some information of the actions and behaviours of the members of this secret society that threatens to overrun the Downs. First of all, we find a definite predilection for playing not pianos, but violins. However, these musical instruments are a ruse to hide the most violent forms of assault known in this country. Here is the formerly peaceful violin-playing cat showing his true colours: Yet even more nefarious are those feline fellons behind the scene who engage in the worst sort of conspiracy against the happily Dead. I refer to those planners, the catsigliori, who mastermind the overtaking of the barrow: Thankfully, however, all was not lost in this case. The Downs can commend DCI Eomer of Scotland Yardarm for his swift action in uncovering this cell by the efficient caterwauling of his national musical instrument. The Downs remains a safe barrow in which to celebrate another day. __________________ I’ll sing his roots off. I’ll sing a wind up and blow leaf and branch away.

05-03-2007, 09:16 PM	#5
Oddwen Drummer in the Deep Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Next Sunday A.D. Posts: 2,145	From the Editor (or an editor of her own posts, anyway...) To our reader(s): It is a great occasion that we write you on; the birthday of a most illustrious forum dedicated to an illustrious and wonderful work, and also another anniversary to be celebrated, namely, the Coming of Age of our Great and now Official newspaper. We wished to take this moment to beg a boon of our reader(s). While our policy has always been "We'll Print Anything Vaguely Interesting We Get In The Mail, All Of It, No Really We Mean Anything", we take great pains to not run the same story twice (without changing a few names, anyway). In short, the phantom, will you please stop sending us six pages a week reading nothing but "The Lord Of The Rings And I Are Awesome". We will never get anywhere (important or controversial enough) by continuously stating the obvious. Thank you, The Editor __________________ But all the while I sit and think of times there were before I listen for returning feet and voices at the door Last edited by Oddwen; 05-04-2007 at 03:36 AM. Reason: See? I am The Editor...

05-06-2007, 02:52 PM	#6
Durelin Estelo dagnir, Melo ring Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 3,063	Woopsies, forgot: The original putting Leonidas' head on that particular cat was not done by me. Last edited by Durelin; 05-06-2007 at 03:50 PM.

05-06-2007, 07:25 PM	#7
Bêthberry Cryptic Aura Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 6,003	Downer memo To: Editor From: Fedora Cat Subject: Mewlitzer Prizes Chief, The quality of submissions to the Downer of late has been substantial, so substantial that the acclamation of Newspaper of the Year seems an inadequate designation. Has our publisher initiated any contacts with potential patrons who could underwrite Mewlitzer Prizes as awards for the outstanding contributions to journalism which our writers clearly merit? Clearly, who would have thought that flogging a Serious cat could produce humour? Yours, a cryptic 'ora __________________ I’ll sing his roots off. I’ll sing a wind up and blow leaf and branch away.