Monty Python's "There and Back Again"

[Morthoron]

ROAST MUTTON, PART IV

Narrator: When last we left our band of intrepid questers, Blibo's feet were near crushed by the wicked trolls and the dwarves were all in sacks, individually wrapped for a homemaker's convenience. Just pop them in boiling water, heat and serve. Voila! You have a tasty and economical meal for even the most trollish of appetites...

Thorin: HMMMMPPPPHHHMMMMPPPHHH!

Narrator: Right. Sorry. The unsuspecting trolls were gleefully preparing for their meal, but they never expected [cue menacing music]...THE SPANISH INQUISITION! Ha-ha-ha, just had to throw that one in there!

Thorin: HMMMMPPPPHHHMMMMPPPHHH!

Narrator: Yes, yes, hold your sack on. As I was saying, little did the unwitting trolls know that even now Gandalf had returned, just in the nick of time!

Thorin: HMMPH-MMH!

Narrator: You're welcome.

A voice like Berts: It was Thomas Jefferson who rightly said, "Take from Plato his sophisms, futilities and incomprehensibilities, and what remains? His foggy mind."

William: [who thought it was Bert speaking] Don't start that argument all over again, Bert, or it'll take all night!

Bert: [who thought it was William speaking] Who's arguing, I should like to know? I thought you had an epiphany and were finally agreeing with Tom and I regarding the modern rejection of Plato.

William: I'll epiphany you all right! Stop arguing, you lout!

Bert: I was not arguing, and I demand you retract you assertion!

William: I shall not!

A voice like Tom's speaking: Well, Friedrich Nietzsche did say "Plato is a bore."

William: [who thought it was Tom speaking] See? Now you've got Tom in on it, with his boorish asides!

Tom: [who thought it was Bert speaking] I'm not in on nothing! But Bert's got a point about Nietzsche's appraisal...and what do you mean by boorish asides?

William: Nietszche? Bah! A syphilitic mental-case mumbling nihilistic aphorisms!

A voice like Bert's speaking: Well, Thomas Aquinas was so grossly obese he should have named his philosophy Elasticism rather than Scholasticism!

William: [who thought it was Bert speaking] Oh, very clever, Bert! Did you think that one up all by yourself, or did you confer with the other buffoon?

Bert: [who thought it was William speaking] Who's the buffoon? You're the idiot arguing with himself, like some contradictory schizophrenic!

Narrator: And so, the philosphical battle of intellectual giants (well, trolls, actually) raged on through the evening, and into the night, and right up to the break of day, when...

William: And isn't that just like an existentialist, trying to get the last posit in...

Bilbo: Well, would you look at that, the trolls have turned to stone!

Gandalf: [appearing from behind some bushes] Of course they turned to stone, dear Bilbo, trolls can't take the sunlight.

Bilbo: I get a rash myself. [suddenly noticing Gandalf's unexpected arrival]. Gandalf! Then it was you throwing your voice that caused the trolls to argue! Hey, wait a minute! Where have you got off to? We nearly drownded in the rain, froze without a fire and were about to be fricasseed by pretentious trolls!

Gandalf: Errrmm...I had to run an important errand.

*FLASHBACK SEQUENCE -- Gandalf mind wanders back to the day spa at Rivendell, with elvish maidens massaging him in a hot tub.*

Bilbo: An important errand? Out here in the wilderness?

Gandalf: [clears his throat] Never you mind, Bilbo. You are, after all, a small person in a large world; while a wizard's toil is great and never ends.

Biblo: Well, yes...of course. Forgive me.

Gandalf: Think nothing of it, dear boy, but lets make haste and get these dwarves out of their sacks. They're near to suffocation, I'd wager.

Thorin: HMMPH-MMH!

Gandalf: My pleasure.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Morthoron]

CHAPTER III: A SHORT REST, Part I

Narrator: Having handily dispatched the trolls and removed the dwarves from bondage, Gandalf suggested that perhaps the trolls had a hidden cave nearby where they hid from the sun and hid their swag as well.

*Gandalf parts some bushes near a rocky outcropping*

Gandalf: Here's the cave door, but unfortunately it is locked. It is obvious we'll need magic to get this open. I once knew the songs to every Disney animated feature ever produced. [Begins singing a rather off-key version of Lady and the Tramp's 'Bella Notte']

*Several hours later, the door remains locked*

Gandalf: Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh my, what a wonderful day
Plenty of sunshine headin' my way
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay...

Thorin: [sighing] It just doesn't seem to be working, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Hmmm...perhaps a tune from a newer film. [the wizards adopts a French accent, and the dwarves sing along]:

Be our guest
Be our guest
Put our service to the test
Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie
And we provide the rest
Soup du jour
Hot hors d'oeuvres
Why, we only live to serve
Try the grey stuff, it's delicious
Don't believe me? Ask the dishes...

Bilbo: Excuse me...

Gandalf and the dwarves: [In a Folies Bergere-style chorus line]

Course by course
One by one
'Til you shout, "Enough! I'm done!"
Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
But for now, let's eat up
Be our guest
Be our guest
Be our guest
Please, be our G-U-E-S-T...

Bilbo: Halloo...excuse me, I found this key over by the trolls. Perhaps it will help.

Gandalf: [Taking off a black top hat and replacing it with his conical wizard's cap] Ahem...yes...well...that will do nicely, Bilbo, nicely indeed. [Gandalf irritably grabs the key away from Bilbo]

*The stone door creaks open revealing a dank and dreary, foul-smelling cobwebbed chamber*

Narrator: And so Gandalf, Biblo and Thorin's company crept warily into the cave. The sunlight revealed a trove of oddities and treasures -- aside from the bones of the trolls' previous victims and a good deal of food stuffs stored carelessly about on various shelves, there were brass buttons, pots of gold, SPF 150 sunscreen, introductory makeup kits from Avon, a rather attractive gold lame' evening dress, colorful pumps, ballet flats and sylish stiletto-heeled thigh boots for every occasion, bustierres, chemises, camosoles, teddies...

Gandalf: Ahem...That'll do!

Narrator: Errrmm...right...and in a corner they discovered some marvelous jewel hilted swords with wondrously wrought scabbards. Gandalf kept one, as did Thorin, and they gave Biblo a handsome leather-sheathed dagger of the same make.

Gandalf: Hmmm...These are no ordinary swords. They are of a marvelous make, obviously First-Age craftsmanship.

Bilbo: I shall call mine 'Sting'.

Gandalf: [Raising an eyebrow] But by the intricately carved runes on the blades, it indicates they were made by the Noldorin Elves who came from the Undying lands...

Bilbo: 'Sting' it is then.

Gandalf: [Becoming more irritated]...who wrought these peerless and magic blades in the fabled city of Gondolin, hewn out of the very living rock of Thangorodrim. Its impervious walls sparkling of jewels, its spiralling white towers piercing the cerulean blue skies of the now lost land of Beleriand...

Bilbo: [flashing about his knife like Eroll Flynn] Ha-ha, feel my 'Sting'!

Gandalf: [Rolling his eyes in disgust] Why don't you just call it 'Stab' and be done with it.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[skip spence]

That's some funny (and clever) stuff Morthoron. I would have repped you but it seems I must spread it around first.

[Morthoron]

CHAPTER III, A SHORT REST, Part II

Narrator: Gandalf and the rest skipped blithely through the next few pages -- relatively boring stuff, like descriptions of landscapes and mountains, which of course are all CG animated, and aren't we all rather tired of the replicated splendor of computer graphics? I know I am. So, they walked and walked...blah, blah, blah...and scrambled up the mountains...blah, blah, blah...anyway, it was getting to be about supper-time (which would be dinner for you Yanks), when they came upon a hidden valley...

Gandalf: Here we are! The fair valley of Rivendell where lives Master Elrond in the Last Homely House.

Bilbo: What, is he a bad housekeeper?

Gandalf: No.

Bilbo: Ah, he's like one of those eccentric neighbors who insist on painting their house bright blue and plopping plastic pink flamingos and garden gnomes all about their front yard.

Gandalf: No, not at all, don't be silly.

Bilbo: Well, you did say his house was homely.

Gandalf: Merely a figure of speech, dear boy. Homely meaning comfortable, at-ease, a place of relaxation and enjoyment.

Bilbo: Something like Madame Harbottle's House of Red Light?

Gandalf: Drop it.

Thorin: [suddenly putting a hand to his ear] What's that? It sounds like...singing.

Where are you going,
And why are you here?
Your noses need blowing,
You have wax in your ears.

O! Toora-loora-lally,
The Dwarves stink up the valley!

O! Where did you come from,
And how long will you stay?
Don't except much of a welcome
When you smell that way!

O! Toora-loora-lie,
'Tisn't the smell, but the burning of my eyes!

O! Follow the turnings,
And head down the path --
You're clothes will need burning,
And you need a bath!

O! Toora-loora-loma,
Gandalf save us
From this dwarvish aroma!

Gandalf: Damnable Elves.

Bilbo: They seem quite gay.

Dumplin: Oooh! You think so?

Bilbo: Errr...I meant gaiety, to be merry.

Thorin: Well, gay or not, it's rather a rude welcome.

Gandalf: Don't let it bother you, Thorin, the mischievous elves are only having a little fun at your expense. It's rare they see dwarves now-a-days. But let's follow the path down to the Last Homely House....before they get really nasty.

*As the Party of dwarves start descending down the path, the hidden Elves start taunting them*

Elf #1: Why do dwarves have beards?

Elf #2: I don't know, why do dwarves have beards?

Elf #1: So they can look like their mothers!

Elf #2: Hahaha! Here's one: A man in a hay wagon runs over a dwarf. When the man gets down from the wagon to apologize, the dwarf says, "I'M NOT HAPPY!" The man answers, "Well, which one are you then?"

Elf #1: Ba-dump-bump! What do you get when you cross a dwarf and a donkey?

Elf #2: A little jack-*** about this tall!

Gandalf: Fly, you fools! This foe is beyond you!

Narrator: And so the dwarves escape the savage taunting of the Elves by running as fast as their little legs could carry them, finally finding themselves at the very doors of the Last Homely House!

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Morthoron]

CHAPTER III, A SHORT REST, Part III

Narrator: Having reached the Last Homely House, the road-weary company of travelers finally found rest and relaxation, but not along the lines of Madame Harbottle's House of Red Light -- if you get my meaning (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). The Last Homely House, as Bilbo would later recall, was not homely at all (like his acne-plagued cousin Primula); rather it was perfect for just about anything: reading, writing, thinking, croquette with pink flamingos, painting the roses red, talking with chess pieces...
And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall,
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call.
Call Alice
When she was just small...

Narrator #2: We regret the intrusion, but Narrator #1 has been caught in a bit of a flashback...

Narrator #1: When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead,
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said...

*Sounds of a struggle*

Narrator #2: And I am afraid he will have to go on short-term disabiility...

Narrator #1: "Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head"...

*The sounds of shouting and scuffling fade and a door slams off-stage*

Narrator #2: Ahem...now, where were we? Ah yes, after a bit of a rest, the company of travelers were sent for to meet with Master Elrond.

Bilbo: Now Gandalf, just who is this Master Elrond again?

Gandalf: He is a descendant of a great old family. Quite famous, really. His great-grandfather was the mortal Beren and he was wed to Luthien, daughter of an Elf and a Maia.

Bilbo: What, like an Aztec?

Gandalf: No, Maia as in 'of the Maiar'. I am one myself.

Bilbo: I didn't know you came from Peru!

Gandalf: Oh, skip it! Just know that Elrond is a half-elf.

Bilbo: He's short then?

Gandalf: No, no, no! His father was mortal and his mother was an elf. No, wait...actually they both were elves, but his grandfather was mortal. Bah! Needless to say Elrond is still considered an elf, while his brother was mortal.

Bilbo: That makes no sense genetically.

Dumplin: Can dwarves wed elves?

Gandalf: I'm not sure. I don't see why not. Why do you ask?

Dumplin: Well there's this elf in Mirkwood named Legolas, and he's just GORGEOUS!

Bilbo: [Turning and whispering to Balin and Dwalin] What is the story with Dumplin? He certainly acts odd.

Balin: [whispering back] Well, first of all, Dumplin is not a he, but a she-dwarf.

Dwalin: [whispering also]: Are you sure?

Balin: [still whispering] Well of course I'm sure. Look at her beard!

Bilbo: Dumplin is a she?

Balin: Well, close enough for a lonely night on the road.

Dwalin: You see, Bilbo, we dwarves have very few females...

Biblo: What with half-elves from Peru and he-she dwarves, thank the Lord I'm a hobbit!

Gandalf: Quit your gossiping, you three, there is Master Elrond.

*Elrond is sitting regally upon a carved, oaken throne, reading manuscripts and drinking a glass of sherry*

Elrond: Welcome, welcome!! Do come in, please do. So nice to have dwarves about the Last Homely House. Here for a short visit are we? Ha-ha, lovely, lovely. And what's this? A hobbit? My, I haven't seen one of your race for a thousand years. But then there could be a few hiding 'neath the table and you couldn't see 'em, eh? Ha-ha-ha, lovely, just lovely!

Gandalf: [bowing] We thank you for your hospitality, Master Elrond.

Elrond: Oh, no formalities, old friend, no formalities! You weren't so damn genteel in the hot tub the other night!

*The dwarves scowl at Gandalf*

Gandalf: Ummm...yes...well...Master Elrond, we seek your aid. Thorin has a dwarvish map that needs deciphering.

Elrond: Oh-ho, a dwarvish map, eh? Devilishly tough, those. Usually written in shorthand. Ha-ha, short-hand! Eh? eh? Lovely, lovely! Pray tell, Master Thorin, where did you come upon this map?

Thorin: Well, it's quite a long story actually, and it had to be edited out of the theater release of the movie. But it will be told in its entirety in the Blue-ray Disc Extended Version available in stores this coming Christmas.

Elrond: Will it indeed? Lovely, just lovely. No short subject documentaries for the dwarves, eh? eh? Ha-ha, lovely.

Narrator #2: Please stay tuned for the next installment of Chapter III and find out what Master Elrond can discern from the dwarves' map.

Director: Cut! Cut! Narrator #2, that was the most bleeding boring segue I've ever heard!

Narrator #2: Well, it's not my fault, you know... [sobs a bit] I'm not a method narrator. I need my lines, and Narrator #1 was still holding the script when he was taken out.

Director: That's it! Randall, it's time for lunch.

Randall: Lunch everyone! Be back in an hour!

TO BE CONTINUED

[Morthoron]

CHAPTER III: A SHORT REST, Part IV

Narrator: [formerly known as Narrator #2] And so Master Elrond sets his great store of loremastery into deciphering the dwarven map.

Elrond: Jolly wonderful the dwarves were at mapmaking once in their short history, eh? Lovely detail, wot?

*The full moon appears from behind the clouds and casts it wondrous white light full upon the map*

Elrond: Eh? What's this?

Thorin: [drawing nearer in curiousity]: Yes? What is it?

Elrond: Oh, nothing. This coffee stain looks remarkably like a dragon.

Gandalf: Why, that is a dragon!

Elrond: Yes, yes...of course it is. Temporarily blinded by the moonlight, you know.

Gandalf: Hmm...it seems the moonlight is showing hidden runes and letters on the map.

Elrond: It is? Oh yes, of course it is. They're callled...ummm...moon letters. Yes, moon letters...that's what they are!

Bilbo: What are moon letters, wise Master Elrond?

*Elrond stares blankly at Bilbo for a moment*

Elrond: Why, they are...letters that...errrr...only show up in moonlight.

Bilbo: My, you are wise. Where did you learn that from?

Elrond: I believe it was in a rerun of an old MacGyver episode or in an Umberto Eco novel about monks. I can't recall, really. I am a few thousand years old, after all.

Bilbo: What do the moon letters say?

Elrond: What do they say? [Long pause] Well, if I read the runes corrrectly, they say --"Stand by the gray crone until her knees knock," and then it says -- "and the sitting nun with a bad bite from tooth decay will shut her pie-hole."

Thorin: But that makes no sense at all.

Elrond: It doesn't?

Gandalf: No, it does not. Where are we to find an old crone in a habit with periodontal disease who we have to shut-up? And what good will it do us in any event?

Elrond: [indignantly] Well, the other translation seems even more daft -- "Stand by the gray stone when the thrush knocks, and the setting sun with the last light of Durin' Day will shine upon the key-hole."

Thorin: Durin's Day! A thrush knocking!

Elrond: That makes sense to you?

Thorin: Yes, it does. Durin's Day arrives in autumn and the key-hole in question is obviously a secret entrance to the Lonely Mountain! And I have the key! All we need to do is find the stone where the thrush knocks on Durin's Day and we shall find the secret entrance!

Elrond: Oh yes, that does make a lot of sense. [rolls his eyes] You'll have more luck finding the toothless old nun with creaky joints.

Thorin: We'll have to be on our way, and soon, if we want to reach the Lonely Mountain by Durin's Day. If I remember correctly, it is the first day of the last moon of autumn.

Elrond: Would that be the Julian or Gregorian Calendar?

Bilbo: Or is it by Shire Reckoning?

Gandalf: Neither and none, as the proper chronology for Middle-earth has not been fixed as of yet. Not until Tolkien writes The Lord of the Rings.

Bilbo: The Lord of the Rings? Is that a take-off on the Sword of Shannara?

Gandalf: Ummm...

Elrond: May I ask a favor?

Gandalf: Certainly, Master Elrond.

Elrond: Take me with you.

Gandalf: What?

Elrond: Please, take me with you!

Gandalf: I don't understand...

Elrond: I am bored, Gandalf, bored! I feel sort of thin and stretched...like not enough mayonnaise scraped over too much bun.

Gandalf: Buns?

Elrond: It's the Elves, Gandalf -- So damn merry! No wonder why they call death the Gift of Men! It's preferrable to living here for thousands of years...they don't even have cable. Always tra-la-la-lally, hopping and skipping, all blonde, all dull as doorknobs!

Gandalf: But...

Elrond: Let me explain...

[The lights dim and a single spotlight shines on Elrond]

ELROND'S SOLILOQUOY

An Elf or not an Elf...that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler to be mortal and suffer
The twinges and hair-loss of mankind's fortune,
Or to take up Elfdom and unlimited potential,
and by inference become immortal. An Elf -- to sleep no more --
Because Elves rarely sleep given their high metabolism.
But there is heartburn -- a thousand years of eating lembas --
Does not aid in my digestion. 'Tis not a bowel movement
One would wish on an enemy. And sheep -- the sheep of which I've dreamed --
Ah, I've lost count. For in that count of sheep no dreams may come,
While snuggly mortals coil all soundly 'neath comforters and nap wihout pause,
There's only insomnia that makes a calamity of so long a life....

Narrator: While Elrond rambled in stilted iambic pentameter, the company of travelers had slipped unnoticed from the Last Homely House, and even now were heading up the great slopes of the Misty Mountains.

Elrond: Hey! Where did everyone go?

Elves: Tra-la-la-la-lappy, Elrond isn't happy

Elrond: Oh good lord.

Elves: Tra-la-la-la-lever, you're stuck with us forever!

*Elrond sobs uncontrollably*

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Morthoron]

CHAPTER IV: OVER HILL AND UNDER HILL, Part I

Narrator: And so, Gandalf, Bilbo and the dwarves escaped the dread gaiety of the elves and the taxing dialogue of the Last Homely House. Guiding their ponies up the circuitous paths that lead to the very heights of....

Bombur: 'Old on! Just a minute! Where did we get these blinkin' ponies from?

Narrator: Well, you see, the Italian funding the producers were expecting has fallen through (I told them they shouldn't trust the Italians), and subsequently the production team has had to sell the utility vehicles that were expected to be used as transport in all the Misty Mountain scenes. As a consequence of this budget reduction, they've had to buy these ponies on the cheap from a local glue factory to do the job instead. You'll notice various different departments' equipment crammed into your packs.

Bombur: Well, don't that defeat the suspension of disbelief required for a successful fantasy movie? I mean, the last scene we were scramblin' up the mountain on foot, and the next we're riding ponies?

Narrator: Not any moreso than a costumed character in the piece having an out-of-context discussion with an off-camera narrator.

Bombur: Right. Go on then.

Narrator: As the stalwart band of travelers made for the pass which would lead them over the Misty Mountains, a virulent thunderstorm struck.

Director: Cue the virulent thunderstorm!

Randall: Cue the virulent thunderstorm!

Scottie: I'm givin' 'er all she's got, Cap'n!

*Colorful animation of a virulent thunderstorm, complete with stone giants playing cricket with lightning bolts and storm clouds*

Bilbo: My, this is a virulent thunderstorm!

Gandalf: Indeed! No sense in muddling our way further, I can't see a foot in front of my nose, and the pass is treacherous enough without missing the trail and falling into an abyss.

Bilbo: That would be abysmal.

Thorin: I believe Fili and Kili have found a cave over to the right.

Gandalf: Hmmm...I am not at all comfortable with lodging in a cave in these parts. One never knows what lurks inside.

*A livid streak of lightning strikes a boulder nearby*

Gandalf: But then again, perhaps we should go in; at least until the storm abates...for the sake of the Hobbit.

Narrator: Safe from the crash and din of the storm, the travelers -- soaking, bedraggled and low in spirits -- made a small fire with Gandalf's wizardly assistance, and huddled the ponies at the very far end of the cave. Shorn of their wet clothes and exhausted from the perilous journey up the mountain, it wasn't long before the company started to nod off.

*Bilbo awakens to the sound of grinding rock*

Bilbo: What's this?

*To Bilbo's surprise, he sees the last of the ponies being herded off into a great crack that had opened in the rear of the cave*

Bilbo: This mountain certainly has an appetite. I wonder what it eats when it can't get ponies?

*Coming groggily to his senses, Bilbo sees goblins creeping from the crack where the ponies had disappeared*

Bilbo: GANDALF! HELP!!!

*Bilbo's cry awakens his companions, foremost of all Gandalf, who, having a knack for self-defense unleashes a bolt of lightning, killing several goblins, and in the smoke and confusion, saves himself by disappearing, leaving Bilbo and the dwarves at the mercy of the remaining infuriated goblins, who grabbed the helpless hobbit and dwarves and dragged them through the crack, which snapped shut with an angry crash*

Goblin #1: I 'eard you 'airy-footed 'alf-pints like singin' and merriment.

Bilbo: That's Hobbits, not half-pints, thank you, and yes we do like singing and making jolly.

Goblin #2: Garn, he's a precocious li'l blighter, aint 'ee?

Goblin #1: I'll say. But 'ee'll change 'is tune once we 'ave our way wi' 'em! Ready m'boys?

*a pitch pipe sounds in the darkened stone corridor, followed by several goblins struggling to get in tune*

The hills are alive with the sound of goblins
Wi' songs we have sung for a thousand years
The hills shake your bowels with the sound of goblins
And enchained, you can't stop up your ears

*The dwarves and Bilbo grimace in agony*

Your heart wants to shriek like the wings of bats
That rise like the dead in the dark
Your belly does a churn as the horse flies
Leave maggots on droppings so stark...

Bilbo: Enough! Enough! Oh please, no more torment!

Goblin #1: Ho-ho! You think this is bad, do ye? Wait'll the Goblin King gets 'is 'ands on ye!

Bilbo: He sings worse?

Goblin #2: [Coughs out a hoarse laugh and then becomes serious] Totally tone deaf.

Goblin #1: Aye, that 'ee is. Now, where were we?

How do we solve a problem like a Baggins?
How do you pinch and bite him while he's down?
How do you find the words to insult a Baggins?
Why, drag his sorry arse to Goblin-town...