The Bad LotR Fan Fic Drinking Game

[Nerwen]

That's the most typical Mary Sue scenario. Or we could do one of those ones where somebody has been poisoned, or the victim of an evil spell, and we have to go on a quest to find the antidote... possibly to the land of some creatures from a completely different fictional world.


As I said, I was going to propose an alternative character, based on a particularly silly Daughter-of-Evil I just found... butI think I've put quite enough work into making Alatariel Moonflower as special as she is.

If anyone needs inspiration, here are some excerpts from the work in question:

There was no such thing as beauty in Mordor till Sauron married the elf maiden, Lady Elaine, the sister of the Lady Galadriel. Further beauty was placed in Mordor when Dûrwen (Half-Elf/Half-Maia) was born.

She had fair skin, as smooth as the mountain water, jade eyes brighter than all the jewels under the earth, and delicate features like all elves. The only characteristic that she had of her father was his hair. Dûrwen’s hair was dark brown and had a red tint to it that resembled a garnet stone.

"He knew you could use it [the Ring]. You are half-Maia. You have his will and his strength and more! There is no doubt that you can wield it for him."

Dûrwen was shocked.

Her father, whom she had loved so dearly, merely kept her as a back-up plan in case things did not go his way. For the first time in her life hatred filled her soul.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

That's the most typical Mary Sue scenario. Or we could do one of those ones where somebody has been poisoned, or the victim of an evil spell, and we have to go on a quest to find the antidote... possibly to the land of some creatures from a completely different fictional world.

My thought would be that our story does indeed coincide with the Fellowship of the Ring; however, we are given a quest, ostensibly because the Ring-bearers objective will fail utterly without our considerable assistance (when in actuality, either Elrond or Galadriel, having had enough of our angst, think up a plausible scenario to get us the hell out of town). So, we are sent as far away as possible, in another direction (east, towards Erebor or Rhun), where our whining characters might redeem their insufferable insipidity (or die, which might be the preferable, but unspoken, hope of the powers-that-be).

[Lindale]

My goodness. I did find the work you seem to be referring to.

That is the first fan fic I've read. And it horrified me.

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda.

Of course, we'll need to be careful saying that around Eönwë's character...

Originally Posted by Morthoron

My thought would be that our story does indeed coincide with the Fellowship of the Ring; however, we are given a quest, ostensibly because the Ring-bearers objective will fail utterly without our considerable assistance (when in actuality, either Elrond or Galadriel, having had enough of our angst, think up a plausible scenario to get us the hell out of town). So, we are sent as far away as possible, in another direction (east, towards Erebor or Rhun), where our whining characters might redeem their insufferable insipidity (or die, which might be the preferable, but unspoken, hope of the powers-that-be).

Sounds good to me.

Originally Posted by Lindale

My goodness. I did find the work you seem to be referring to.

That is the first fan fic I've read. And it horrified me.

Oh, they get far worse than that. It's very common for a LotR Sue to be the daughter of Sauron (or Saruman). And her mother is always an Elf, often Galadriel's uncanonical sister (or Galadriel).

Caution: it's best not to think about this too hard.

Basically, this is one is exactly like all the others... only a little bit more so. It's the quintessence of Daughter-of-Evil fics.

[Mithalwen]

When she says she can barley win against Haldir, is that a drinking contest do you suppose?

I do like the way it is claimed to be authenticated by the Silmarillion... and Elrond's letter writing skills are ..awe-inspiring.

[Nerwen]

My favourite bit is when it finally dawns on the Mary Sue that Daddy Dearest wasn't... you know... all that nice.

Only took her several thousand years to work that one out...

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

I couldn't make it past the "preface":

***NOTE: the Half-Maia comes from the Silmarillion. Sauron was known to have originated as a spirit called a Maia, which were sent down to Middle-Earth to help the Valar shape the world. They came before the race of man or even elves. Prior to the publication of The Silmarillion Sauron's origins and true identity were unclear to those without full access to Tolkien's notes. In early editions of Robert Foster's The Complete Guide to Middle-earth, Sauron is described as "probably of the Eldar elves." BUT I don’t have much information on them so I concluded that the Maia part of Dûrwen is what makes her like Sauron. Though she thinks of herself as “full” elf, the Maia qualities start to devour her thoughts, emotions and actions throughout the story, but become too strong for her as she gets closer to Mordor.

Okaaaay.... So much of this makes me cringe, I shuddered to think of the train wreck that would follow. As a lover of Tolkien's works, the apparent lack of understanding of his works boggles the mind. As a fan writer, it appalls me. If I had this little comprehension of what I was writing about, I wouldn't bother. And I have been asked why I insist on posting my stuff on my own website and not in any fanfic archives. This just sorta sums it up... "But I don't have much information on them..." ...so I went and wrote this story, anyway. Don't have much information on the Eldar... yeah, right.

How many shots does that preface alone get in the drinking game?

From what was quoted in Nerwen's earlier post, I suppose we ought to give Sauron credit for doing the right thing by Elaine and marrying her. Usually, his kids are the products of unspeakable horrors. Like him coming to personally oversee and participate in Celebrian's torture.

[Lindale]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Oh, they get far worse than that. It's very common for a LotR Sue to be the daughter of Sauron (or Saruman). And her mother is always an Elf, often Galadriel's uncanonical sister (or Galadriel).

Caution: it's best not to think about this too hard.

I actually read more. And I consulted a cousin who is a rabid fan of anime fan-fics. She told me yaoi scenes and such are very usual in those, so she assumed (rightly) that yaoi scenes would be present... so I went back to the site, and visited something called fanfiction.net, and to my surprise I found myself laughing at a fan-fic about Feanor and his sons trying for the nth time to escape from Mandos. Unfortunately I have cleared my private data, and cannot find the link anymore.

About the one fan of the fan fic in discussion, I remember a saying: If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, dazzle them with bullsh*t.

[Mithalwen]

The first fanfic I read involved a pregnant Boromir. It would take a lot to faze me after that....

[Lindale]

I found it again!! The fanfic that made me laugh so hard. It isn't as bad as the Merisu-ish ones. I don't even think it has a Merisu.

How many shots to that? A swim in an oak barrel of beer, if I may suggest.

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

My thought would be that our story does indeed coincide with the Fellowship of the Ring; however, we are given a quest, ostensibly because the Ring-bearers objective will fail utterly without our considerable assistance (when in actuality, either Elrond or Galadriel, having had enough of our angst, think up a plausible scenario to get us the hell out of town). So, we are sent as far away as possible, in another direction (east, towards Erebor or Rhun), where our whining characters might redeem their insufferable insipidity (or die, which might be the preferable, but unspoken, hope of the powers-that-be).

I like this idea very much... so let's think of an appropriate quest...

[Lindale]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

I like this idea very much... so let's think of an appropriate quest...

How about the 'real' Ring is actually unwittingly in the jewelry box of our dearest Mary Sue? And that Mary Sue then has the 'real' quest, and somewhere down the road meets the Fellowship, or manages to get into the Councils of Elrond or the Wise?

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

I think it might be a bit more amusing for the Mary Sue to THINK she has the Real Ring, but doesn't. In actuality, it's one of those "other" rings of power that were mentioned but the fate of which we know nothing about. It probably gives Mary Sue some hitherto unknown abilities that will make her the perfect guardian for the Ringbearer (and the rest of the Fellowship), able to go one-on-one with any and all of the Nazgul, Elven ringbearers, wizard, and probably Sauron himself.

[Lindale]

Or how about she manages, by some weird fate (or "doom"), to create a perfect copy of the One Ring, or of the other elven rings? And she must show the childish girlish naivete in the grand style of those Suethors.

[Morthoron]

Elrond thinks us completely expendable (as well as annoying), so he sends us on a suicide mission with a false ring -- its properties give the appearance of the One Ring, like invisibility, but as Gandalf said, 'There are many magic rings in the world and none of them should be taken lightly'.

Thus, believing we have the One, we (the anti-fellowship) traipse off over the Misty Mountains and head eastward, get mixed up with Thranduil, then the dwarves of Erebor, and, passing to the Orocarni Mountains, we are to find the last sacred pool of Cuivienen to toss the Ring in (thus dissolving it in holy water)...

BUT!

We meet...THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!! Ummm...just kidding, actually, we meet...The BLUE WIZARDS, who are warring with each other in the East just as Gandalf and Saruman are in the West. Both Blue Wizards see the chance of using the pseudo-one ring to destroy the other, and we get mixed up in the whole mess.

Unwittingly, of course, we have steeled the hearts of both Thranduil and the dwarves (who had no intentions of fighting before we came), and we prevent the great legions of the Blue Wizard Alatar (the bad blue wizard of course) from marching into Rhun and then to Mirkwood at the behest of Sauron (because, naturally, there was another unaccounted for Palantir). Without the legions of Alatar, Sauron's armies are limited against Erebor, Dale and Mirkwood, and thus they are eventually defeated, and Rivendell and Eriador are not overrun.

There. How's that?