T-I-G LVI: Panic at the Prancing Pony

[satansaloser2005]

NEW MEMBER:
Good Morning.
SALLY:
Good Morning, sir. Welcome to the Barrow-Downs.
NEW MEMBER:
Ah, thank you my good lass.
SALLY:
What can I do for you, sir?
NEW MEMBER:
Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on New Row just now, skimming through “The Shibboleth of Feanor” by our dear Professor, and I suddenly came over all cutthroat.
SALLY:
Cutthroat, sir?
NEW MEMBER:
Belligerent.
SALLY:
Eh?
NEW MEMBER:
(In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all bloodthirsty, like.
SALLY:
Ah, bloodthirsty.
NEW MEMBER:
In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little strategic game will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Tolkienian activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of recreation to negotiate the lynching of some hapless denizen.
SALLY:
Come again?
NEW MEMBER:
I want to play Werewolf.
SALLY:
Oh, I thought you were complaining about the duck in the corner there.
NEW MEMBER:
Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Anatid Family.
SALLY:
Sorry?
NEW MEMBER:
(In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a nice duckie.
SALLY:
So she can go on quacking, can she?
NEW MEMBER:
Most certainly. Now then, some candidates please, my good man.
SALLY:
Certainly, sir. Whom would you like to vote for?
NEW MEMBER:
Well, eh, how about a little Thinlomien?
SALLY:
I'm afraid we're fresh out of Lommy, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
Oh never mind, how are you on Fea?
SALLY:
I'm afraid we never have her at the end of the week, sir. We lynch her fresh on Monday.
NEW MEMBER:
Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, one vote for mormegil, if you please.
SALLY:
Ah. He's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting him this morning.
NEW MEMBER:
It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Cailin?
SALLY:
Sorry, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
Eomer?
SALLY:
Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
NEW MEMBER:
Ah. Mithalwen?
SALLY:
Sorry.
NEW MEMBER:
Rikae? Macalaure?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Any Finnish Noggie, per chance?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Thenamir?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Holbytlass?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Fordim Hedgethistle?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Danish Rune?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
littlemanpoet?
SALLY:
..... No.
NEW MEMBER:
the guy who be short?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
The Saucepan Man?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
alatar, Legate, Morthoron, William Cloud Hickli(n), Sauron the White, wilwarin, davem, Lalwende, Hookbill?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
The Barrow Wight, perhaps?
SALLY:
Ah! We have The Barrow Wight, yes sir.
NEW MEMBER:
You do! Excellent.
SALLY:
Yes, sir. He’s, ah ..... he's a bit invisible.
NEW MEMBER:
Oh, I like them invisible.
SALLY:
Well, he's very invisible, actually, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
No matter. Fetch hither le mod of this great site! M-mmm!
SALLY:
I think he's a bit more invisible than you'll like, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
I don't care how invisible he is. Hand him over with all speed.
SALLY:
Oh .....
NEW MEMBER:
What now?
SALLY:
The duck's eaten him.
NEW MEMBER:
Has he?
SALLY:
She, sir.

(pause)
NEW MEMBER:
Diamond18?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Roa_Aoife?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Durelin?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
piosenniel?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Nilpaurion Felagund?
SALLY:
No, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
You do have some villagers, do you?
SALLY:
Of course, sir. It's a discussion forum, sir. We've got .....
NEW MEMBER:
No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
SALLY:
Fair enough.
NEW MEMBER:
Er, sally?
SALLY:
Yes?
NEW MEMBER:
Ah, well, I'll cast a vote for her.
SALLY:
Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Miss sally, that's my name.

(pause)
NEW MEMBER:
lindil?
SALLY:
Ah, not as such.
NEW MEMBER:
Er, Bethberry?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Sharku?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Squatter of Amon Rudh?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
burrahobbit?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Folwren?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
Ibrinidhilpathanazel?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
legolasluvvver_13_andahalf?.
SALLY:
Not today, sir, no.

(pause)
NEW MEMBER:
Ah, how about phantom?
SALLY:
Well, we don't get much call for him around here, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
Not much ca- He's the single most popular member in the world!
SALLY:
Not round here, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
And who is the most popular member round here?
SALLY:
Alien, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
Is he.
SALLY:
Oh yes, sir. He’s staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
NEW MEMBER:
Is he.
SALLY:
He's our number-one top rep-ee, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
I see. Ah, Alien, eh?
SALLY:
Right, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
All right. Okay. Have you got him, he asked, expecting the answer no?
SALLY:
I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
NEW MEMBER:
It's not much of a Werewolf game, is it?
SALLY:
Finest in the district, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
SALLY:
Well, it's so clean, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
It's certainly uncontaminated by villagers.
SALLY:
You haven't asked me about Boromir88, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
Is it worth it?
SALLY:
Could be.
NEW MEMBER:
Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY DUCK UP!
SALLY:
(To Emily) Told you so.
NEW MEMBER:
Have you got Boromir88?
SALLY:
No.
NEW MEMBER:
That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
SALLY:
Yes, sir?
NEW MEMBER:
Have you in fact got any villagers here at all?
SALLY:
Yes, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
Really?

(pause)
SALLY:
No. Not really, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
You haven't.
SALLY:
No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
SALLY:
Right-O, sir.
NEW MEMBER:
(Shoots her) What a senseless waste of human life.