If LotR had been written by someone else!? - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Estelyn Telcontar · 04-03-2009, 02:33 PM

footnote:

Glorfindel: I r 'portant Elf wif vital role - Arwen no can haz!

Pitchwife · 04-03-2009, 06:41 PM

I wonder if any of you will recognize this...

LotR by Patti Smith (Horses):

The hobbit was sitting in his hole drinking a cup of tea
On the other end of the hole the wizard was uncloaking
The wizard looked at Frodo
Frodo wanted to run
but the movie kept moving as Peter Jackson had planned
The wizard took the Ring
he threw it into the fire
threw it deep into the fire
started explaining the fiery letters
started sermonizing ominously
when
suddenly
Frodo
gets a feeling
he's being surrounded by
Nazgûl
Nazgûl
Nazgûl
Nazgûl
black, eery, creepy wraiths with their swords in flames
he saw
Nazgûl
Nazgûl

(etc.; goes on for about ten minutes, covering the story by wild associative jumps, and ends with something like: )

No one saw
that sail
No one saw
the elven ship
sailing west
on a simple
straight
path

Gordis · 04-04-2009, 05:00 AM

what a great thread!

Here is my little contribution:

LOTR by RL Stevenson

At the Sign of the Admiral Took

King Aragorn Elessar, Gandalf the Wizard, and the rest of these gentlemen having asked me to write down the whole particulars about the Ring Quest, from the beginning to the end, I, Frodo Baggins, take up my pen in the year of the Shire Reconing 1420 and go back to the time when my uncle Bilbo kept the Admiral Took inn and the haggard old hobbit with greenish skin and bulging pale eyes first took up his lodging under our roof.

I remember as if it were yesterday, as he came plodding to the inn door. I remember him looking round and whistling to himself as he did so, and then in his high, old hissing voice breaking out in that strange song that he sang so often afterwards:

"We only wish
to catch a fish,
so juicy-sweet!"

"This is a handy hole," hissed he at length; "Much company, fat hobbitses?" My uncle Bilbo told him no, very little company, the more was the pity.

"Well, then," said he, "this is the hole for me. I'll stay here a bit, among nice hobitses. I'm a plain customer; water and eggses and sweet juicy fissh is what I want…" Here he made a strange noise in his throat: gollum gollum! "What you mought call me? You mought call me Preciousss. Oh, I see what you're at — there"; and he threw down three or four silver pennies on the threshold.

All days he spent fishing in the river; all evenings he sat in a corner of the parlour furthest from the fire, his gnarled fingers constantly fiddling with a plain golden ring. Mostly he would not speak when spoken to, only look up sudden and fierce with greenish light in his eyes and make this sound in his throat "Gollum!"; and we and the people who came about our house soon learned to let him be. Between us we called him Gollum.

Every day when he came back from his fishing he would ask if any Big Men had gone by along the road. For me, at least, there was no secret about the matter, for I was, in a way, a sharer in his alarms. He had taken me aside one day and promised me a silver fourpenny on the first of every month if I would only keep my "eye open for a tall half-blind Big Man in a black cloak" and let him know the moment he appeared. "Now, if I can't get away nohow, and they pierce my heart by the black knife, mind you, it's my Ring they're after; you get on a pony, and go to — well, yes, I will! — to the Sheriff, and tell him to call all magistrates and such. But not unless you see a Big Black Man." How that personage haunted my dreams, I need scarcely tell you. On stormy nights, I would see him in a thousand forms, and with a thousand diabolical expressions. And altogether I paid pretty dear for my monthly fourpenny piece, in the shape of these abominable fancies.

There were nights when he took a deal more brandy than his head would carry; and then he would sometimes sit and sing his wicked, old, wild songs, minding nobody; but sometimes he would call for glasses round and force all the trembling company to listen to his stories or bear a chorus to his singing. Often I have heard the house shaking with " to catch a fish, so juicy-sweet! " all the neighbours joining in for dear life, and each singing louder than the other to avoid remark.

His stories were what frightened people worst of all. Dreadful stories they were — about evil Big Men and Orcs and Spiders, and walking in the wilderness, and deep caves under the Mountains, and the dread Land of Mordor, and wild deeds and places in the Wide world. Uncle Bilbo was always saying the inn would be ruined, for people would soon cease coming there to be tyrannized over and put down, and sent shivering to their beds; but I really believe his presence did us good. People were frightened at the time, but on looking back they rather liked it; it was a fine excitement in a quiet country life, and there was even a party of the younger hobbits who pretended to admire him, calling him a "true fearless adventurer" and such like names.

Morthoron · 04-08-2009, 08:20 PM

ELROND'S SOLILOQUOY
By Will Shakespeare after a night of drinking port

An Elf or not an Elf...that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler to be mortal and suffer
The twinges and hair-loss of mankind's fortune,
Or to take up Elfdom and unlimited potential,
and by inference become immortal. An Elf -- to sleep no more --
Because Elves rarely sleep given their high metabolism.
But there is heartburn -- a thousand years of eating lembas --
Does not aid in my digestion. 'Tis not a bowel movement
One would wish on an enemy. And sheep -- the sheep that yearn to dream --
Ah, I've lost count. For in that count of sheep no dreams may come,
While snuggly mortals coil soundly 'neath comforters and nap without pause,
There's only insomnia that makes a calamity of so long a life....

Morthoron · 04-08-2009, 08:56 PM

Part of an aborted Rock Opera by Deep Purple (this section refers to the Battle of Laketown):

When Smaug came out to Laketown,
He flew up and down the shoreline.
The baked wreckage burnt in profile --
He ate a troop of mimes.

Rank sacks and broken rudders
Floated to the shore from town,
Cos’ some monster like Godzilla
Burned the place to the ground.

Smaug on the water --
A dragon in the sky!
Smaug on the water...

He burned down the Master’s house,
Who cried as it toppled down.
A fool named Bard was running in and out,
Trying to save the stunned crowd.
When they ran for cover,
They couldn't find a safer place.
In boats they paddled out,
And rowed like they were in a race.

Smaug on the water --
A dragon in the sky!
Smaug on the water...

Bard ended up all alone as well --
The town was empty burnt despair.
But a flitting blue thrush flew from outside.
Whisp'ring to Bowman there.
Bard took his aim for just a bit
His bowstring thrummed with sweat.
Slow motion shot -- the arrow hissed --
And Smaug, and Smaug was finally dead.

Smaug on the water --
A dragon in the sky!
Smaug on the water.

Pitchwife · 04-09-2009, 06:12 AM

Morth, that was gorgeous!

04-03-2009, 02:33 PM	#1
Estelyn Telcontar Princess of Skwerlz Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: where the Sea is eastwards (WtR: 6060 miles) Posts: 7,500	footnote: Glorfindel: I r 'portant Elf wif vital role - Arwen no can haz! __________________ 'Mercy!' cried Gandalf. 'If the giving of information is to be the cure of your inquisitiveness, I shall spend all the rest of my days in answering you. What more do you want to know?' 'The whole history of Middle-earth...'

04-03-2009, 06:41 PM	#2
Pitchwife Wight of the Old Forest Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Unattended on the railway station, in the litter at the dancehall Posts: 3,329	I wonder if any of you will recognize this... *LotR by Patti Smith (Horses):* The hobbit was sitting in his hole drinking a cup of tea On the other end of the hole the wizard was uncloaking The wizard looked at Frodo Frodo wanted to run but the movie kept moving as Peter Jackson had planned The wizard took the Ring he threw it into the fire threw it deep into the fire started explaining the fiery letters started sermonizing ominously when suddenly Frodo gets a feeling he's being surrounded by Nazgûl Nazgûl Nazgûl Nazgûl black, eery, creepy wraiths with their swords in flames he saw Nazgûl Nazgûl (etc.; goes on for about ten minutes, covering the story by wild associative jumps, and ends with something like: ) No one saw that sail No one saw the elven ship sailing west on a simple straight path __________________ Und aus dem Erebos kamen viele seelen herauf der abgeschiedenen toten.- Homer, Odyssey, Canto XI

04-08-2009, 08:20 PM	#4
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,515	ELROND'S SOLILOQUOY By Will Shakespeare after a night of drinking port An Elf or not an Elf...that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to be mortal and suffer The twinges and hair-loss of mankind's fortune, Or to take up Elfdom and unlimited potential, and by inference become immortal. An Elf -- to sleep no more -- Because Elves rarely sleep given their high metabolism. But there is heartburn -- a thousand years of eating lembas -- Does not aid in my digestion. 'Tis not a bowel movement One would wish on an enemy. And sheep -- the sheep that yearn to dream -- Ah, I've lost count. For in that count of sheep no dreams may come, While snuggly mortals coil soundly 'neath comforters and nap without pause, There's only insomnia that makes a calamity of so long a life.... __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision.

04-08-2009, 08:56 PM	#5
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,515	Part of an aborted Rock Opera by Deep Purple (this section refers to the Battle of Laketown): When Smaug came out to Laketown, He flew up and down the shoreline. The baked wreckage burnt in profile -- He ate a troop of mimes. Rank sacks and broken rudders Floated to the shore from town, Cos’ some monster like Godzilla Burned the place to the ground. Smaug on the water -- A dragon in the sky! Smaug on the water... He burned down the Master’s house, Who cried as it toppled down. A fool named Bard was running in and out, Trying to save the stunned crowd. When they ran for cover, They couldn't find a safer place. In boats they paddled out, And rowed like they were in a race. Smaug on the water -- A dragon in the sky! Smaug on the water... Bard ended up all alone as well -- The town was empty burnt despair. But a flitting blue thrush flew from outside. Whisp'ring to Bowman there. Bard took his aim for just a bit His bowstring thrummed with sweat. Slow motion shot -- the arrow hissed -- And Smaug, and Smaug was finally dead. Smaug on the water -- A dragon in the sky! Smaug on the water. __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision. Last edited by Morthoron; 04-09-2009 at 07:31 PM.

04-09-2009, 06:12 AM	#6
Pitchwife Wight of the Old Forest Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Unattended on the railway station, in the litter at the dancehall Posts: 3,329	Morth, that was gorgeous! __________________ Und aus dem Erebos kamen viele seelen herauf der abgeschiedenen toten.- Homer, Odyssey, Canto XI

04-04-2009, 05:00 AM	#3
Gordis Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Minas Morgul Posts: 431	what a great thread! Here is my little contribution: LOTR by RL Stevenson At the Sign of the Admiral Took King Aragorn Elessar, Gandalf the Wizard, and the rest of these gentlemen having asked me to write down the whole particulars about the Ring Quest, from the beginning to the end, I, Frodo Baggins, take up my pen in the year of the Shire Reconing 1420 and go back to the time when my uncle Bilbo kept the Admiral Took inn and the haggard old hobbit with greenish skin and bulging pale eyes first took up his lodging under our roof. I remember as if it were yesterday, as he came plodding to the inn door. I remember him looking round and whistling to himself as he did so, and then in his high, old hissing voice breaking out in that strange song that he sang so often afterwards: "We only wish to catch a fish, so juicy-sweet!" "This is a handy hole," hissed he at length; "Much company, fat hobbitses?" My uncle Bilbo told him no, very little company, the more was the pity. "Well, then," said he, "this is the hole for me. I'll stay here a bit, among nice hobitses. I'm a plain customer; water and eggses and sweet juicy fissh is what I want…" Here he made a strange noise in his throat: gollum gollum! "What you mought call me? You mought call me Preciousss. Oh, I see what you're at — there"; and he threw down three or four silver pennies on the threshold. All days he spent fishing in the river; all evenings he sat in a corner of the parlour furthest from the fire, his gnarled fingers constantly fiddling with a plain golden ring. Mostly he would not speak when spoken to, only look up sudden and fierce with greenish light in his eyes and make this sound in his throat "Gollum!"; and we and the people who came about our house soon learned to let him be. Between us we called him Gollum. Every day when he came back from his fishing he would ask if any Big Men had gone by along the road. For me, at least, there was no secret about the matter, for I was, in a way, a sharer in his alarms. He had taken me aside one day and promised me a silver fourpenny on the first of every month if I would only keep my "eye open for a tall half-blind Big Man in a black cloak" and let him know the moment he appeared. "Now, if I can't get away nohow, and they pierce my heart by the black knife, mind you, it's my Ring they're after; you get on a pony, and go to — well, yes, I will! — to the Sheriff, and tell him to call all magistrates and such. But not unless you see a Big Black Man." How that personage haunted my dreams, I need scarcely tell you. On stormy nights, I would see him in a thousand forms, and with a thousand diabolical expressions. And altogether I paid pretty dear for my monthly fourpenny piece, in the shape of these abominable fancies. There were nights when he took a deal more brandy than his head would carry; and then he would sometimes sit and sing his wicked, old, wild songs, minding nobody; but sometimes he would call for glasses round and force all the trembling company to listen to his stories or bear a chorus to his singing. Often I have heard the house shaking with " to catch a fish, so juicy-sweet! " all the neighbours joining in for dear life, and each singing louder than the other to avoid remark. His stories were what frightened people worst of all. Dreadful stories they were — about evil Big Men and Orcs and Spiders, and walking in the wilderness, and deep caves under the Mountains, and the dread Land of Mordor, and wild deeds and places in the Wide world. Uncle Bilbo was always saying the inn would be ruined, for people would soon cease coming there to be tyrannized over and put down, and sent shivering to their beds; but I really believe his presence did us good. People were frightened at the time, but on looking back they rather liked it; it was a fine excitement in a quiet country life, and there was even a party of the younger hobbits who pretended to admire him, calling him a "true fearless adventurer" and such like names.