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#1 | ||||||||||||||||
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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Hi all! I have finished reviewing Findegil's changes for this section, and I will here place my thoughts. This will be quite a long post, so I apologize. Before I begin, I want to commend Findegil for doing such a thorough job of finding all relevant passages to be included.
all bits in italics are my proposed changes. Any section not remarked on is one I've agreed with completely. CE-EX-01: I agree about this insertion, but your version is somewhat choppy, as it contains some repetition. Maybe: Quote:
CE-SL-01: agreed. just a question, are we going with Ork or Orc? CE-SL-02, -03, -04, -05, -06 and -07: I agree with the fact that they need change, but I have a few minor suggested changes. For 03 we should remove "again" from "the stars were again shining in the morrow-dim" because in this version they have always been shining, so there is no need to make note of their shining "again." For 04 In a similar vein, the preceding sentence reads: "It was still night and clouds were in the sky." we should no doubt change "still night" to "dark" because again, it was always night then. There is a reference you did not mark which I will call CE-SL-04.2 For 05 I think we could keep simply "by twilight" but we could also simply delete it. For 06 I think we should delete the reference to the Sun of summer. Inserting "later" to me seems awkward, and also seems to contradict that the sun was for Men and gave them the greatest joy. For 07 I would remove "in the spring of the year" because it was during the sleep of yavanna, and so there were no seasons. CE-EX-05: I agree about the insertion. Two small things: in your version Cuiviénen is missing its accent mark here and several other places, but that's minor. The other question is "Endon." the published Sil has Endor, so are we sure that "Endon" is the latest form? CE-EX-07: This section does not work at all tonally or in its subject matter. This is Tolkien analysing the nature of Morgoth, and does not fit at all in this section. CE-EX-08: The transition is jarring, and I think a subheading is need “Of Orcs.” If we remove the previous paragraph, then it should be placed here. Otherwise, this is good, as it flows with the narrative. CE-EX-10: I could not find where it was moved to. Why is it out of place there? CE-EX-11: this has too colloquial of a tone, maybe: Quote:
CE-SL-08: agreed. I have one question: Quote:
CE-EX-17: The text of the note is not finished, and so inserting it as is does not work. Perhaps a rewording of: Quote:
CE-EX-18: agreed. I noticed that you stopped after Quote:
Quote:
CE-EX-21: The word (sterile!) is awkward. Maybe remove: Quote:
CE-EX-24: I cannot find a source for the subheading, but this heading is plainly necessary, and the Captivity of Melkor is the period and the event it is describing, so it works. CE-EX-26, -27: This section feels tonally jarring, perhaps some minor editing is needed. I agree with -27 however. Maybe: Quote:
Quote:
CE-SL-12: Why was “and make an end” removed? CE-EX-30, -31, -32, -33, -34, and -35: The first part of this section feels to me to be very much against the tone and presentation of the Valar in the later legendarium. They are presented as physical pagan gods in war gear, whereas Tolkien later came to view the Valar as more spiritual and demiurgic in their conflicts. This description of them seems to reduce them from their state in the later legendarium as the Powers of the Earth to simply pagan gods. However, if we want to retain it, we must remove the reference to Salmar and Omar, as they were not major figures in the later legendarium: Quote:
[quote] { Thus was it that}[Then] the {Gods}[Valar] got them over the sea and through the isles, and set foot upon the wide lands, and marched in great power and anger ever more to the North. Thus they passed the Mountains of Iron and {Hisilome}[Hithlum] that lies dim beyond, and came to the rivers and hills of ice. There {Melko}[Melkor] shook the earth beneath them, and he made snow-capped heights to belch forth flame, yet for the greatness of their array his vassals who infested all their ways availed nothing to hinder them on their journey.> CE-EX-37: Ringil should be Illuin CE-EX-39, -40, -41, -42, and -43: This section is tonally jarring in many places, being an analytical text of motives, and often does not translate well into narrative form. I will recommend my changes: Quote:
Quote:
CE-SL-15: agreed. But shortly after this there are some lines that are awkward: Quote:
CE-EX-48, -49: looks good, except {Valmar}[Valimar] and {Palisor}[Endon/r] CE-EX-50, -51: This requires some changes: Quote:
CE-EX-52: This requires minor editing: Quote:
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CE-EX-59 to the end of -60: These sections should go under the next section, to be consistent. CE-EX-65 till the end: The complex philological discussions of the Elven clan names should be included, but I do not think they belong in the narrative itself. I think the QS (and AAm) sections should be put under the main “Of the Captivity of Melkor” heading, and the clan names, including the Avari discussion, should be placed under the subheading “The Clan Names, with Notes on Other Names of the Divisions of the Eldar.” To leave it as is is to ruin the flow of the narrative entirely, and make it virtually unreadable. Phew, that was a long one! Fndegil, you did an incredible job synthesizing so many varied sources of such differing types, and I really have to commend you! |
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#2 | |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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I was just throwing together a draft for the next chapter and I saw a good addition from the Grey Annals for the Captivity of Melkor. Maybe in this way:
Quote:
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#3 |
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,721
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Hello guys,
I just wanted to let you know that I have read through ArcusCalions comments. Thanks for the detailed criticism. I think some of your suggestion will make it to the final text. (e.g. your CE-EX-35.2). I as well have read your misplaced post in thread about the Athrabeth (probably you should replace it there with a comment that is a misplaced post and but it in here). I will have to read through all this again with my original text beside and my own comments to my changes as well. But it is late already here in Europe (3 o’clock in the night actually) and I will therefore postpone that. (Since I am very occupied in real life, am not sure how soon that might be.) But one more general comment might be in order: I can see your point that the stuff from MT is awkward in style if taken to stand inside a narrative. But we have to be careful in that territory. The project once to the great annoyance of one of its initiators decided to shy bake from any stylistic change. That meant our finished work is not supposed to have any high literature value. (At least in the first step. If motivation would last - as it seems it has not - the members that wanted the stylistic changes envisioned a second phase, in which they would go through the finished work again and remove all the tonally jarring jumps.) Respectfully Findegil P.S.: I see the need to have my draft of the chapters before this one up here in the forum, and to work on that was what brought me here today in the first place. |
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#4 |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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What post do you mean Findegil? All my posts in the Athrabeth thread were there by intention.
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#5 | |||
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,721
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Okay at least a first go at the comments of ArcusCalion:
CE-EX-01: If we have to fragment our sources farther to make them work together than I think this might be the better arangement: Quote:
CE-SL-03: Agreed. CE-SL-03.8: 'still night' to 'dark' in the sentence before CE-SL-04: Agreed. CE-SL-04.2: Please explain what you nominated with this? I could not find any change in between CE-SL-04 and CE-SL-05. CE-SL-05: Agreed. CE-SL-06: Agreed. CE-SL-07: But the comparision is with later times when there was a 'morrowdim' and 'even-dim' and with that for sure as well seasons. CE-EX-05: Cuiviénen: Thank you for finding. I will corret it. Endon/Endor: Frankly speaking I don't know. Please feel free to research this since I am away from my books. CE-EX-07; CE-EX-08: I do not agree that CE-EX-07 'does not work at all in its subject matter.' The subject is exactly Melkor's corrupting power which anabled him to creat the Orks. I agree so that it might be better to adapt it 'tonally' at least slightly (see below). To better the transition we might reinstall CE-EX-06 after CE-EX-07 and if you still feel the need of a sub-heading that should be inserted before §45 and it should be simply 'Orcs' taken from Myths Transformed, Text VIII or do we have a sub-heading some where in our source texts 'Of Orcs'? All this would lead to: Quote:
CE-EX-11: I agree on the last sentence, but I do not see why we would need the change in the first. Chapter '3 Concerning Naugrim, Ents and Eagles' has the following sub-chapters: 'Of Aulë and the Dwarves' with the sub-heading 'Here are the words of Pengolod concerning the Naugrim' and 'Anaxartaron Onyalie' with the sub-heading 'Of Ents and Eagles'. CE-EX-17: Why do oyu remove the '(', ')' around 'even demon form'? I also do not see the need to delet '(killing)'. The same is true for the removal of ''damned': i.e.'. We might aksed damned by whom? But or reads might ask that question as well. And their answer is as good as ours. I am not willing to let the 'poltergeist' slip away that easy! May be we change her to make it less essay like formulation: Quote:
CE-EX-19, CE-EX-20: Angband is mention at the end of Chapter 1. CE-EX-21: To remove 'sterile' is a no-go for me. The emphasis (!) is Tolkiens and the whole note shows that there was a way of 'sterile' cross breading, at least for the big bad bosses. This info is what I think we must transport, and with removing the 'sterile' we would loss that. CE-EX-24: That is what 'editorial addition' means: An addition with out source in Tolkiens texts. CE-EX-26, CE-EX-27: I agree on {Palisor}[Endon/r]. But the rest of your changes is only for reason of stlye. In this phase 1 of the project we have up to know kept away from such changes. CE-EX-28: Okay, here I agree at least to a few changes: 'magic' might be out of place for the crafts of the Valar. So I agree to the change of magic to power in the making of tilkal. In the footnote I would change 'magic' names to 'poetic' names. Can you give at least a hint what is linguistically wrong with 'Vorotemnar' and 'Ilterendi' -just for the record. CE-SL-12: I removed 'and make an end' because only two sentences above we learn that the war was undertaken without hope of real victory. What else would 'an end' (of what so ever) be, than real victory? Okay, here I have to stop to get at least a tinny bit of sleep. I will go on as soon as times allows. Respectfully Findegil |
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#6 | ||
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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CE-EX-01: agreed.
CE-SL-04.2: Looking now, I cannot find what I was referencing, so I was probably making a mistake. CE-EX-05: I have just looked into it, and it seems the latest form was Endor, as in the Sil77: Quote:
CE-EX-17: I agree about killing, but to me the word 'damned' and the word 'theological' are too grounded in real world terminology to be applicable in the Ardan conception. but this might be again the issue of style and I am not sure if would fall under the banner of things not to be changed. Your poltergeist addition looks good. CE-EX-81.2: Ah ok that makes sense CE-EX-21: I see that you are right, but sterile cannot simply stand as is, even with the hesitation to change the style. This is simply not in narrative format at all, and should possibly be changed to: Quote:
CE-SL-12: makes sense. |
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#7 |
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,721
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CE-EX-07 & CE-EX-17: For 'theological' I can see your reason to find it out of place in a Middle-earth jargon. And I agree hasintatingly to remove it. But for 'damned'? Why should that not be used?
CE-EX-21: I see that your interpretation what the 'sterile' insert means is completely differnt from my one. For me it was a qualifier for the process not for the outcome and it was a kind of precaussion against accusation of Zoophilia. It seems that we can not change the sentence, since we would fix then one interpretation. CE-EX-28: Okay, I will at least try to look abit more intensliy, if I find arguments against the elvish names. Resspectfully Findegil |
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#8 |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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Damned is not bad, I suppose the quotation marks seem out of place.
CE-EX-21: even if we had different interpretations, we cannot simply leave it as (sterile!) as that is not grammatically correct at all, as tolkien was simply jotting thoughts down. We must either remove it or pick one. |
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