Chapter 1: Of the Beginning of Time

[ArcusCalion]

Having read through the changes, I have only a few comments:

In the second paragraph, the [sic] is in reference to the grammatically incorrect "being." it should be "beings" plural.

In the next paragraph:

for he knew that to that kingship Ilúvatar designed to give the highest royalty in Eä, and under the rule of that throne to bring forth the Children of God.

"Children of God" should be "Children of Eru" or "Children of the One." Tolkien nowhere else uses "God" to refer to Eru, and this feels extremely out of character.

BoT-15: This addition is fine, but:

Now therefore the Valar were gathered upon Almaren and feasted and made merry, fearing no evil, and because of the light of Illuin they did not perceive the shadow in the North that was cast from afar by Melkor; for he was grown dark as the Night of the Void. And it is sung that in that feast of the Spring of Arda Tulkas espoused Nessa the sister of Oromë, and Vána robed [her] in her flowers, and she danced before the Valar upon the green grass of Almaren.

The bolded part contradicts the earlier assertion in Ainulindale that flowers had not yet been brought forth from the mind of Yavanna. It is a shame to lose the reference to Vana, but i think it is best to remove it.

BoT-18: This is indeed a problematic section for several reasons. It references a change in light which has not yet happened (as everything is still lit in unchanging day, and the only ill that has happened is the corruption of Melkor) and thus feels out of place. If it were to be included it should be moved to after the fall of the lamps. Even so, I think it too closely tied to the round earth version to be included, as it references day and night, and the sun and moon, long before such things existed. Therefore, I think it is best and safest simply to remove it.

BoT-20: This addition is fine but:

And he descended upon Earth in power and majesty greater than any other of the Valar,

The opening phrase is problematic, as in this restructuring he is already in Arda, and thus cannot be said to descend into it. maybe change "descended" to "arose". so it becomes "And he arose upon Arda in power..."

AINU-11: This entire segment until BoT-23 does not fit here. It pretty clearly refers to the original war of the Valar in Arda, as Melkor is said just after this to flee in the darkness and confusion after the fall of the lamps. Thus this whole section should be moved earlier. I would have it replace BoT-05,as it fits in quite nicely.

Those were the only things I noticed, the rest was quite wonderful!

[Findegil]

Arcus Calion worte:

In the second paragraph, the [sic] is in reference to the grammatically incorrect "being." it should be "beings" plural.

Sure, the question is do we corret being -> beings. This singular for plural case is not in being due to our editing. It is inehrent in the source text from JRR Tolkien. I would say it is a slip of the pen and should be corrected.

Children of God -> Children of ?: I agree that God should be changed. But I think that Children of Ilúvatar is the most natural replacement, or was it your desire to keep a difference by taking Eru?

BoT-15: What about: '..., and Vána robed her in her {flowers}[signs of spring], ...'?

BoT-18: As said in my comment, I am also hesitating with this addition. Probably we can work it into the chapter of the making of the sun and the Moon. What about using such a reduced version here:

[BoT-17[/b]<[b}MT; 2[/b] ... When they perceived that Melkor would now turn darkness BoT-18{and night }to his purposes, as he had aforetime sought to wield flame, they were grieved; for it was a part of their design that{ there should be change and alteration upon Earth, and neither day perpetual nor night without end.[footnote: For it is indeed of the nature of Eä and the Great History that naught may stay unchanged in time, and things which do so, or appear to do so, or endeavour to remain so, become a weariness, and are loved no longer (or are at best unheeded).] For by Night}[in the dark] the Children of Arda should {know Day, and }perceive and love Light{; and yet Night should also in its kind be good and blessed, being a time of repose, and of inward thought; and a vision also of things high and fair that are beyond Arda, but are veiled by the splendour of Anar}. But Melkor would make it a {time}[state] of peril unseen, of fear without form, an uneasy vigil; or a haunted dream, leading through despair to the shadow of Death.>

BoT-20: Agreed.

AINU-11: I am not that sure, which conflict is here discribed. But nonetheless I agree to chift the §. But I would not repalce BoT-05 but arange the texts differntly:

BoT-02 <MT, 2 ...
...
When therefore at last Melkor discovered the abiding place of Manwë and his friends he went thither in great haste, as a blazing fire. And finding that already great labours had been achieved without his counsel, he was angered, and desired to undo what was done or to alter it according to his own mind>BoT-03 <Ainulidale D {§23 So began their ... to his own desires and Purposes}; and he kindled great fires. When therefore Earth was young and full of flame Melkor coveted it, and he said to the Valar: 'This shall be my own kingdom! And I name it unto myself!'
§24 But Manwë was the brother of Melkor in the mind of Ilúvatar, … And there was strife between Melkor and the Valar{, and for a time Melkor departed and withdrew to other regions and did there what he would, but he did not put the desire of the kingdom of Arda from his heart}.>
AINU-11 <Ainulidale D §27 Thus began the first battle of the Valar and Melkor for the dominion of Arda; and of those tumults {we}[the Elves] know but little;{ for know thou, Ælfwine,} what {I have}[has been] declared{ unto thee} is come from the Valar themselves, with whom{ we of} the Eldalië spoke in the land of Valinor, and {we were}[by whom they were] instructed{ by them}; but little would {they}[the Valar] ever tell of the days of war ere the coming of the Elves. But this {said Rúmil in the end of the Ainulindalë which I have recounted to thee:}Bot-04 <Ainulindale D §31 This} tale {I have heard also among}[was learned from] the lore masters in ages past. {For they tell us that the}The war began before Arda was full-shaped, and ere yet there was anything that grew or walked upon earth, and for long Melkor had the upper hand.>{that the}The Valar endeavoured ever, in despite of Melkor, to rule the Earth and to prepare it for the coming of the Firstborn; and they built lands, and Melkor destroyed them; … slowly nonetheless the Earth was fashioned and made firm.>BoT-05 <AAm And Melkor wrought great ruin with fire and deadly cold and marred all that the other Valar made.> But in the midst of the war a spirit of great strength and hardihood came to the aid of the Valar, hearing in BoT-06{the far heaven}<AAm distant regions of Eä> that there was battle in the Little Kingdom. And he came like a storm of laughter and loud song, and Earth shook under his great golden feet. So came Tulkas, the Strong and the Merry, whose anger passeth like a mighty wind, scattering cloud and darkness before it{.}BoT-07 <AAm , but he turned a face of anger towards Melkor; and Melkor fled before his wrath and his mirth,>{And Melkor was shaken by the laughter of Tulkas, and fled from the Earth} BoT-08 <MT; 2 {But as is elsewhere written Melkor was at that time defeated with the aid of Tulkas (who was not among those who began the building of Eä)} and he was driven out again into the Void that lay about Arda. This is named the First Battle; and though Manwë had the victory, great hurt was done to the work of the Valar.>{; and}Thereafter there was peace for a long age. And Tulkas remained and became one of the Valar of the kingdom of Arda; but Melkor brooded in the outer darkness, and his hate was given to Tulkas for ever after.> BoT-09<Ainulidale D §24 And {there was strife between Melkor and the Valar, and for a time Melkor departed and withdrew to other regions and did there what he would, but} he did not put the desire of the kingdom of Arda from his heart.>

Respectfully
Findegil

[ArcusCalion]

I agree with all of those changes, they all look good.

[Findegil]

I found an addition worth considering while working on The Making of the Sun and the Moon ... chapter:

... But in the midst of the war a spirit of great strength and hardihood came to the aid of the Valar, hearing in BoT-06{the far heaven}<AAm distant regions of Eä> that there was battle in the Little Kingdom. And he came like a storm of laughter and loud song, and Earth shook under his great golden feet. So came Tulkas, the Strong and the Merry, whose anger passeth like a mighty wind, scattering cloud and darkness before it{.}BoT-07 <AAm , but he turned a face of anger towards Melkor; and Melkor fled before his wrath and his mirth,>{And Melkor was shaken by the laughter of Tulkas, and fled from the Earth} BoT-08<MT; 2 {But as is elsewhere written Melkor was at that time defeated with the aid of Tulkas (who was not among those who began the building of Eä)} and he was driven out again into the Void that lay about Arda. This is named the First Battle; and though Manwë had the victory, great hurt was done to the work of the Valar.> BoT-08.5<MT; 2; Outline It was in the wielding of flame that Tulkas {(? originally Vala of the Sun) }defeated {him}Melkor in the First Battle.> {; and}Thereafter there was peace for a long age. And Tulkas remained and became one of the Valar of the kingdom of Arda; but Melkor brooded in the outer darkness, and his hate was given to Tulkas for ever after.> ...

The information that it was in the wielding of flame that Tulkas overcome Melkor is only given in the outline.

In addition I found a better place to use a later part of BoT-17. So we must skip it here:

... the haunts of fear; and beasts became monsters of horn and ivory and dyed the earth with blood.> BoT-17 <MT; 2 The Valar therefore, when they became aware by the signs of evil that were seen upon Earth that Melkor had stolen back, sought in vain for him, though {Tulcas}[Tulkas] and Oromë went wide over Middle-earth even to the uttermost East.>
BoT-19 <Ainulidale D §32 And when he saw his time, Melkor revealed himself, ...

Respectfully
Findegil

[ArcusCalion]

agreed.